grovepointblank

A review of School for the Blind (first draft)

by grovepointblank on 03/29/2013

This script is an extremely fast read. And I think that's something to be proud of. Physically, it looks clean on the page. Lots of white space and no lengthy, adjective-littered descriptions. So that's encouraging. However, I was unable to connect with the characters or the story and was extremely frustrated with the ending. But I did pick this script to read above my other... read

It's all there

A review of Tinseltown, Illinois

by grovepointblank on 03/26/2013

Strong concept, lovable/hatable/relatable characters, witty dialogue and a suspenseful climax. I loved this script. Structurally, this fits three-act paradigms to a tee. You set up the world of the story immediately. It is succinct and has momentum. The opening scene is perfect because it lets me know what type of story I'm getting into: a comedy about movies where people will... Strong concept, lovable/hatable/relatable characters, witty dialogue and a suspenseful climax. I loved this script. Structurally, this fits three-act paradigms to a tee. You set up the world of the story immediately. It is succinct and has momentum. The opening scene is perfect because it lets me know what type of story I'm getting into: a comedy about movies where people will die. You then introduce us to the major players, their plights, and by the time we hit p.25 there's a clear plot point.

The various forces working against the protagonists are well established and the middle act has a nice flow where we see the different threads leading towards an eventual collision. The one character that did not strike me as compelling as the others was Dina. Is she just a psycho ex or does she have a deeper motivation? As soon as she hears about the theater making money she goes apeshit. Maybe it's sufficient as is, especially since the other antagonistic forces are well-grounded in the world of the story, but Dina's motivations struck me as comparatively under-developed. That's just a small critique.

For 122 pages this script has impressive pace. No descriptions struck me as extraneous and the dialogue was dedicated to moving the story forward and/or revealing details about characters. Some of Trina's speeches appear long-worded on the page, but I read them multiple times and they seemed to flow nicely. I personally loved the game scene between Trina and Robby, nice way of showing how they are kindred spirits while maintaining the threat of the gun--there was never a moment when I thought she would actually shoot him, so maybe you can add more suspense...then again, there are enough others threats that this particular one might be good as is.

The climax weaves all the threads together nicely. My only concern is that it's a bit on the long side. In terms of reading, the final 20 pages took me the longest to read. There's a lot of action going on and the writing is generally tight, but the scene runs on for a while and I wonder if a punchier climax would be more effective than what seems like a 15 minute chase scene. Another concern I have with the climax is that it's a shooting in a movie theater. I know this is beyond your control, but I couldn't help but think of last summer's batman shooting. And if this script gets close enough to production, I bet that would be a legitimate issue. Again, I realize you can't do anything about that. And it's only fitting this story ends in a movie theater, but it's a practical consideration to keep on your radar.

Well done and good luck! read

Highs and Lows

A review of ALBUMOLOGY

by grovepointblank on 03/26/2013

This script has a lot going for it--colorful characters pursuing nefarious goals in Cleveland's seedy underbelly--but there several elements that slowed it down and made it tough to get into the story as a reader. The biggest hurdle to my reading experience was the amount of exposition. Too much exposition!! I understand that there are a lot of moving pieces and backstory to... This script has a lot going for it--colorful characters pursuing nefarious goals in Cleveland's seedy underbelly--but there several elements that slowed it down and made it tough to get into the story as a reader. The biggest hurdle to my reading experience was the amount of exposition. Too much exposition!! I understand that there are a lot of moving pieces and backstory to account for, but when too much of it leaks from your outlining and planning into the script, it waters the story down and bores the reader. For example, Martin's opening scene that features him talking with Malkmus and Sean is filled with exposition-heavy dialogue. We are in Martin's office for 5 pages of cliched criminal dialogue and I had a really tough time staying interested. Especially because we just came from an exciting opening hook--Nick's hotel hit. For me, the script went from 90 to 0 at a point that's crucial to grabbing the reader. I can't offer concrete suggestions for Martin's intro scene. I do think it is the right point to introduce him. And I do agree that you need to plant the seeds of his agenda. But do the bare minimum. Give the reader less so we want more. Some good advice I was once given is "get into a scene and the latest possible point and then leave it as soon as you can." I think that's a great rule of thumb for writing a tight script, but it should also help you trim the exposition fat.

The other main detractor for me was Nick. There is nothing original about this story--a hitman who wants to leave the game. And that's not a problem. Hollywood makes the same movies over and over again and I'm sure they'd love another good disgruntled hitman one. But to pull it off you need a compelling, action-oriented protagonist. And Nick just stuck me as too passive. The stakes were never all that high and then at the end 'Martin just says "I'll handle it." He has no agency in obtaining what he's been looking for! I think the plot needs to be simplified and re-worked. Nick should DO something to show his uncle that he really is serious about leaving...which he does, by the way, by not killing the business man. But then he just gets a slap on e wrist! Martin should threaten him with violence, but then give him a chance...one last dangerous hit. Highly risky, but if he pulls it off he can walk away. Here's what I was hoping for all along: Nick has to locate and kill Oliver's daughter...and then in the climax we discover that the daughter is....Jen! Rather than the daughter being some unnamed floozy, why not make her Nick's love interest. That way the stakes are high, suspense comes from the story as opposed to being forced on it, and the protagonist will have a hell of a choice to make at the end.

That's just a plot line I thought of quickly. I'm sure you can develop something more entertaining, but my point is that Nick needs to have a greater hand in his fate. I hated the ending. I'm okay with Nick dying, but it just seemed so inconsequential. Consider a movie like The Departed where basically everyone dies at the end and each death hits you with a brick of emotion. I didn't get that with Nick's and I think it's because I never grew attached to him or his goal. And just a technical note about the climactic scene--there is some nice suspense building with the dialogue, but pointless little descriptions kept ruining the flow. Like, "Oliver snaps his head," or "Oliver looks at Nick." Who cares? That's all implicit and the actors and director don't need it. You have some good dialogue but it gets buried under things like that.

Not to be entirely negative, there were some really enjoyable moments in this script. Martin was my favorite character. I love when bad guys are humainzed...and Martin was comically human. You also had some strong dialogue. I laughed out loud when I read "you are a puppet for two men that will spend the rest of their lives getting fucked in the ass for cigarettes."

There is a lot of potential with is script and, like all of our scripts, plenty of work to be done. Good luck! read

Lean and mean

A review of The Tale of Lefty and Fortuna

by grovepointblank on 03/24/2013

This script had me at hello. It's extremely tight and the writer has an efficient voice that pulled me into the story without wasting any time. I found the descriptions articulate and humorous. I also appreciated how the writer concisely captured little moments that lesser writers would waste a great deal of time describing. For instance, "it's a crime scene and police do... This script had me at hello. It's extremely tight and the writer has an efficient voice that pulled me into the story without wasting any time. I found the descriptions articulate and humorous. I also appreciated how the writer concisely captured little moments that lesser writers would waste a great deal of time describing. For instance, "it's a crime scene and police do their crime scene thing." I realize this is a minor detail, but I think it's a good example of how this writer maintains a fast pace and includes just enough description to help conjure a clear image.

Lefty is a flawed but ultimately sympathetic protagonist. Yes he is a drunk and a washed-out has-been, but he has one overarching trait that propels him through the story and makes him fun to root for: his love for Fortuna. The fact that he's trying to learn Spanish when we first meet him is a simple but sufficient token that expresses his dedication to her. Conversely, I appreciate that Fortuna is a strong-willed woman who does not let him off the hook so easily. It's clear she loves him--she smiles when he plays with Dizzy, puts a blanket over him when he's passed out--but we're also led to believe Lefty has made her life difficult in many respects. Consider the side note "it's not enough to be rich." That had me asking, why not? Rusty helped fill in the blank when he indicated Fortuna could solve a lot of her problems by marrying lefty, but she won't. I would've liked to see a bit more of the suffering that Fortuna has endured on behalf of Lefty. Greater tension and conflict at the start of the story, when blended with the nature sequence of events they are thrust into, should make the resolution even more rewarding.

The minor characters were stellar. The Wiseguys were my favorite. And Joe reminded me of some of Joe Pesci's memorable roles...which is a good thing. I loved how human they were. For instance, Pete taking a dump while they bury a body. Very nice touch. Forsythe is another colorful character...I love the hypocrisy of a bible loving crooked cop. It comes out well in the scene when he asks Pete nt to curse. I was curious to learn more about why he has a stigma in the police station, but I suppose we are given a few hints and its nice to leave somethings to the reader's imagination.

I wish I could be more constructive, but this was a fun and smooth read. Great pace, memorable characters and gripping action. Nice work and good luck! read

Bow wow

A review of Larry's Best Friend

by grovepointblank on 03/23/2013

The premise is money. Simple, intriguing and funny. This is a great high concept story with lots of potential. Larry is an uptight scientist with no sense of humor. He prefers talking to his dog (ie hearing himself speak) to normal social interaction. His world is turned upside down when he breaks up with his girlfriend and her wacky shaman casts a spell that leads to Ginger... The premise is money. Simple, intriguing and funny. This is a great high concept story with lots of potential. Larry is an uptight scientist with no sense of humor. He prefers talking to his dog (ie hearing himself speak) to normal social interaction. His world is turned upside down when he breaks up with his girlfriend and her wacky shaman casts a spell that leads to Ginger becoming a woman. Structurally this is a strong setup. By the time we hit page 10 the protagonist's world has been violently shifted and there is an exciting plot for us to latch onto.

But after this strong opening sequence, the story stalled for me and didn't maintain the exciting pace that I had come to expect. There weren't enough twists and turns. Comedy, IMO, is the hardest genre to write. A good way to elicit laughter is through surprise. I was hardly surprised by how the ploy unfolded--the ending was a great twist, but I have other issues with that which I'll touch on later--and I think there are a couple reasons I was unfulfilled.

Dialogue. Unless it's moving the story forward or shedding light on a character, it shouldn't be in the script. There are large chunks of dialogue that sucked the air out of the page. Sometimes it was circular and redundant--ie characters discussing things they've already discussed or summarizing things the reader already knows or suspects, in which case it is overkill--other times it was robotic and unnatural. Reading the dialogue aloud should be a helpful gauge of what sounds fluid and organic vs what seems contrived. Granted, McCalister is an absurd character so some of his lines could work depending on their delivery....but overall I found the dialogue trying to accomplish too much in terms of exposition and stating characters' view points. My suggestion is to tighten and remember that less is more.

Larry. I hated Larry! He was whiny, pathetic and showed no capacity to change. Although he undergoes a drastic transformation, it is forced upon him. There are plenty of unlikable protagonists that readers/viewers come to sympathize with--my favorite is Miles in Sideways (played by Paul Giamatti). But Larry is one dimensional. First of all, it annoyed me how he never really accepted the premise. Sure it's natural to be skeptical and think he's going nuts when he first sees Ginger, but his skepticism drags on for the entire script. I understand that this doubt is his thing. He latches onto the idea that he's crazy and it leads to his downfall. But there has to be a better way to take him down. Besides, this is a story that requires the audience to suspend disbelief and just go with it. Bt when the protagonist refuses to let himself become immersed in the world of the story, it makes it even harder for the reader to. Think about a similar high concept movie, Freaky Friday. How boring would it be if Jamie Lee Curtis spent the whole movie thinking she was in a dream or having a nervous breakdown? It's hard to take the story somewhere interesting when the protagonist is dragging his feet.

I really enjoyed the ending, it was ironic and surprising. But it's almost deus ex machine. Not quite, but almost. I think there's a way to set it up more. For instance, what if Larry had an innate desire to be a dog all along? Not to say he consciously wanted to be a dog, but perhaps he's a guy that is so depressed with life: the social pressures, responsibilities, etc and throughout the story we just see him floundering. And through the climactic scene we realize: wow, this guy would be much more content in life as a dog. And since we know that Ginger is more fulfilled as a human, it feels right. Final note, you set the stage for Ginger to deliver some sage wisdom. It never happens and lets the reader down. I'm not suggesting she delivers a philosophical message, but maybe Ginger says or (more visually exciting) does something that fulfills this promise while also setting up the resolution. Maybe she did, but the dialogue in the final 7 pages is just so cluttered that it's tough to identify the most significant lines.

Overall, killer concept. I could see this movie being made. Colorful characters, I don't think you're missing any other players. But the story and dialogue were the biggest road blocks to my reading experience. Have fun with it...you get your reader to buy into this magical world, don't spend the whole time with a wimpy protagonist who doubts the world. Have him embrace it and thus follow a set of events to his demise. Good work and good luck!
read

Lots of potential

A review of I'm With the Band

by grovepointblank on 12/22/2012

Every time I watch reality tv I catch myself wondering what type of have-beens these people become. Do they quietly fade away into a 9-5 lifestyle, or do they fight with every ounce to get back in the spotlight? Kathy certainly falls into the latter. She is a caricature of herself and, as such, an ideal character for a comedy. The other thing I wonder about fizzling reality... Every time I watch reality tv I catch myself wondering what type of have-beens these people become. Do they quietly fade away into a 9-5 lifestyle, or do they fight with every ounce to get back in the spotlight? Kathy certainly falls into the latter. She is a caricature of herself and, as such, an ideal character for a comedy. The other thing I wonder about fizzling reality stars is...what do their families think of them? Your story aptly touches on this too. These characters are interesting enough to carry an entire movie, but the current story feels incomplete and underdeveloped.

From the logline I assume Jake is the protagonist--which is totally cool. The brother of a has-been offers an exciting POV. Personally, I found Kathy most interesting and would have loved to see her undergo a transformation...like she puts everything she has into getting back on tv, only to realize it's the offscreen stuff she cares most about, which causes her to surprise Jake and Dee by showing up at the last performance--sorry about that digression, I just became more attached to Kathy and felt let down that she ended exactly where she started. But since Jake is your protagonist, his transformation is the necessary one. And he certainly changes from that pitiful choir boy.

The script starts with a good quick hook before slowing to a crawl throughout the first act. Nothing really important happens p.14-30. I understand that Jake and Dee's first encounter is significant. However, it takes up almost 6 pages that really put an attention span to the test. A more action-driven meeting would help maintain the pace and also offer more room for comedy than 5 minutes of dialogue. And even though I thought the peach schnapps was funny, I'm torn whether or not to believe it fits with Jake's character...at that point of the story. What if he was standing in front of a mirror trying to hit a soprano scale when Dee meets him?

The peach schnapps could come in a later scene...one element of the story that I didn't buy is Jake and Dee's romance. First, the affection only comes from Jake. At least that's how it reads on the page. So I'm not convinced Dee's into it. Secondly, it comes so easy for Jake. That's no fun. What if he tries making a move early on but she kind of laughs it off. "No offense Jake, but you're not my type." He thinks he needs to win her over by becoming a bad boy. So he enlists Kathy to help with a make over. And then, even though its something he would never normally do, he sneaks booze into their homecoming dance. Dee is surprised when he hands her a flask..and even more surprised when its peach schnapps..but she starts to see him a bit differently. These are all hypotheticals and I'm sure you can invent much better scenarios, but my point is that Jake isn't showing me enough agency to be a strong protagonist and the romance falls into place too perfectly.

Other points. Kathy's dialogue had me laughing. Snarky, totally believable. Jake and Dee's voices felt less distinct and sometimes their lines were too long, almost like run on sentences. If you try reading them aloud you'll see what works and what sounds like a robot.

The structure is good. You have an inciting incident, plot point, the characters hit a wall and then generate another plot point. The story itself feels underdeveloped. The mom does a disappearing act--although I understand the need to get her out of the way for the siblings to bond--and the potentially funny interaction between Kiki and the Kweefs vanishes with Kathy's DUI. Their one practice ended with the expectation they would meet again. I realize the DUI leads to a practicality which thwarts the Kweefs next practice. But it's not explosive or funny. If Kathy did something during the practice--like slam her bass through the tambourine and muzzle Steph's face with it--that would be more comical.

This was an enjoyable read that left me wanting a tighter, more rewarding story. The characters are the strength--which is the most important ingredient to a successful comedy--now you need to unlock their potential. Good luck! read

Review of Why We Fight

A review of Why We Fight (Post Bin Laden Edition)

by grovepointblank on 12/21/2012

In my opinion comedy is one of the toughest genres to write because you need to generate consistent laughs while creating a story that sinks its teeth into the reader. From the opening pages, I was hooked by your script and found myself lol-ing throughout the read. Credit goes to Jack and Walter--who I assume are named after comedy legends Jack Lemmon and Walter Mathieu? (nice... In my opinion comedy is one of the toughest genres to write because you need to generate consistent laughs while creating a story that sinks its teeth into the reader. From the opening pages, I was hooked by your script and found myself lol-ing throughout the read. Credit goes to Jack and Walter--who I assume are named after comedy legends Jack Lemmon and Walter Mathieu? (nice touch!)--for being energetic protagonists who each carry their own problems. Problems which hit home on a very real level. Maybe we all can't relate to impressing our prostitute-Oliver's mother. But the need to win over a future mother-in-law? That's universal. Walter is a larger than life character with a very relatable problem. One thing I would like to have seen is an early interaction between him and mama. We could see how tall an order it will be for him to appease her, which would make the end even more rewarding.

Jack and Dana's relationship was also enjoyable. Their love is convincing and is well represented through their dialogue and actions. I appreciate that Dana is not an impassive character. Her own agency comes through clearly during her I.C.E. ploy while serving as a strong indicator that this woman loves her husband.

The structure is fundamentally sound and carries the story well. The plot points occur at the appropriate moments and Rock serves as a worthy opponent that forces the heroes to alter their course. My one problem is that when Rock finally comes clean as a porno fan, it feels a bit to easy for the guys. The script definitely builds momentum to make us think that this guy is getting ready to ruin the day for Jack and Walter, and then he surprises us. The surprise is great. But if you can delay just a bit longer, make us worry for the heroes a bit more, that could create more suspense.

The final stars and stripe sequence really did it for me. Some people use montages as cop outs for difficult writing, but I think this montage is the perfect way to wrap the story up. The patriotic music and the quick sequence of shots summarize the tone of the story and fit the genre perfectly. I realize this is an overly positive review, but I don't have many criticisms of this script. One small issue...the title reminds me of one of the most grim episodes of Band of Brothers. The one where the soldiers liberate a concentration camp. Not sure how many people will draw the connection, but it was on my mind as I started reading. However, I quickly forgot about that as I burst out laughing. Nice work! read

Deeper but not as clean

A review of Redemption Song V.2

by grovepointblank on 12/20/2012

I read the previous draft and enjoyed reading your story even more this time. From the earlier draft, I remember craving more. More character depth, more action and more suspense. This version delivers more and it seems like you've addressed some major areas with your revision. Before diving into the changes I just want to point out that your writing style fits well with the... I read the previous draft and enjoyed reading your story even more this time. From the earlier draft, I remember craving more. More character depth, more action and more suspense. This version delivers more and it seems like you've addressed some major areas with your revision. Before diving into the changes I just want to point out that your writing style fits well with the crime genre. The writing is (for the most part) tight-- at 130 pages there are definitely some longer descriptions and unshootable lines that can be omitted--the characters are likable yet unabashedly flawed, and the dialogue is witty and constantly propelling the story forward. On a technical note, the structure is sound with no major flaws. I do think the length is a bit protracted, but the plot points come at the right moments and the action beats are never few and far between. Now for the revisions...

Three areas strike me as significantly more built up in this draft. Solomon's backstory and investigation, Mike's subplot and Ray's redemption quest. The latter is the most convincing to me. I remember feeling unsatisfied with his efforts in the first draft. The money orders are a more visual and compelling gesture. I also like Ray's admission that he wanted to be Robin Hood when he was a kid. That provides a nice backlight for his actions.

Solomon. I appreciate the added character depth. By pumping more life into one of the forces working against the protagonist, you instantly create tension and suspense. However, elements of Solomon's character felt contrived and some new insertions seemed a bit clunky. I'm specifically thinking of the flashback he has on the way to the hospital to see Brenda Mack. First, the flashback slows the excellent momentum that is already building towards the final sequence. Secondly, who is Brenda 'Mack? Why should I care? Other than Solomon asking the prostitute about her, she doesn't really mean much to me. Sure she's important to Solomon, but I don't really feel much when he finds her in the hospital...I'm just waiting to see if Ronnie will be okay. But if Brenda becomes a part of th story, it could fit together nicey. Also re: Solomon, his final action of letting Jimmy off the hook could work well, but doesn't feel as rewarding as it should. Think about other movies that reach a similar cross roads (eg The Fugitive). The conclusion feels right because the "good" and "bad" guys have known about each other and fighting (not nec physically) each other throughout the entire script. While Solomon's investigation is on the right track, this is an area that still needs more. The scene with him and "Sammy" was great. It left me hoping they would interact more. Form a relationship. And then when the truth comes out, it would be a real Oh shit! moment.

Finally, I'm a big fan of the mike subplot. Before he was somewhat of a convenient gimmick, but now he is a part of the story and the resolution feels much more organic. I will say that he's a bit of a contrasting figure. For a gangster he appears pretty smart. I mean, he drives a Beemer and uses a blue tooth. But his decision to kill buddy and brook is impulsive. I like that he's cold and hard. But if that's how he is through-and-through. Shouldn't he have punched or pistol-whipped the husband early on? That would also serve to set up the husband's revenge.

Overall I think this draft showcases strong improvements. From my reading perspective you took on the right areas. Now I think they just need to be refined and integrated more smoothly. Nice work and good luck! read

Gripping action, murky story

A review of Nothing But the Truth (V2)

by grovepointblank on 12/19/2012

Off the bat, I have to say that the unfolding story left me craving more resolution. Not resolution in the sense of an over-the-top tell all moment, but just more clarity in terms of the larger forces at play beyond the single protagonist. I really enjoyed your script. Chase is a gritty, morally-flawed but endearing protagonist. The supporting characters each serve distinct... Off the bat, I have to say that the unfolding story left me craving more resolution. Not resolution in the sense of an over-the-top tell all moment, but just more clarity in terms of the larger forces at play beyond the single protagonist. I really enjoyed your script. Chase is a gritty, morally-flawed but endearing protagonist. The supporting characters each serve distinct purposes to advance th story. And each character has their own voice. Dialogue is not fluffy and avoids the ideological rants that pop up too often in crime movies that hinge on the realization that the chief antagonist is a disgruntled cop.

The premise and concept were the most striking elements of my read. Very original, very marketable (Boston movies are hot today--and as someone who is from Boston, I loved your choic of setting), and the premise sets up a great deal of urgency that keeps the viewer on edge. In terms of structure, I have no criticism. You've built a good house for your story. However, I think you can improve the decorations. My biggest grievances are tied to the story and how it's revealed to the viewer.

I'll start with a tiny detail that can be easily remedied. When we finally see "the voice" with Juliana, I'm not sure the viewer will instantly recognize the "shaved head, angry" guy as the voice they heard previously. Maybe giving th voice a distinct sound or trait--squeaky, stutter, lisp, etc. Not a big problem though.

And I love the suspense you set up in this scene when the viewer sees Falco's true colors. This sets up excellent tension since we now know something that the hero does not. But here's my problem. The best conflict is created by juxtaposition to contact. Chase and Falco have very little contact. Yes, there is a nice opening hook, but what else? Chase finds him with his dead CI (which he seems to not have any questions about), and then they meet again in the denouement. I think the ultimate betrayal for Chase would be more compelling if we saw a tiger bond between him and Falco. A teacher/student relationship or even father/son could work. I realize you might be trying to avoid too much of a Training Day scenario, but bringing the protagonist and antagonist closer will heighten the suspense and lead to a stronger payoff.

Speaking of the payoff, we never get a clear sense of what the big scandal is..other than the broadcast at the end and a few snarky lines from Falco in the bunker. I'm not suggesting an explicit addition of corrupt politicians and brass, but throw the viewer a bone. I loved the characters and their problems, but the resolution left me with blue balls. If you decide to build the Falco/Chase relationship, you can weave some of the larger issues into it. Subtly of course.

One final point--less pressing than the above. Pena surprised me by taking the torture so well forChase. I viewed him as a weasel--he is a CI after all. Don't get me wrong. I like being surprised. But an earlier sign that this guy is not as soft as we think could help make the torture more believable.

So all in all, I think you have a strong script here. The writing is tight, visual and addictive. You have colorful characters ensaired in a gripping action plot. I just think you can make the story grittier and more rewarding by building contact for the conflict to feast on, Nice work and good luck. read

Thumbs up

A review of Playlist

by grovepointblank on 05/04/2012

Wow. Reading this script was a real treat. For starters, the concept is original and well-designed. There aren't too many DJ stories out there so I didn't feel like I was reading a script that had been written a million times already. The characters are fascinating and impressively deep. They say the protagonist is the person who suffers the most and Danny definitely fits... Wow. Reading this script was a real treat. For starters, the concept is original and well-designed. There aren't too many DJ stories out there so I didn't feel like I was reading a script that had been written a million times already.

The characters are fascinating and impressively deep. They say the protagonist is the person who suffers the most and Danny definitely fits the bill. One thing I was left longing for was a glimpse into Danny's back story. Obviously his sister's death has fueled a lifetime of guilt, but it can't be the reason why he's decided to scam Rico and flee with Karla. So what's the inciting incident? You don't necessarily have to show it, but at least imply or reference what circumstance in his life has changed that makes this plan necessary. If it's just to get away and start a new life with Karla, I don't buy it.

Speaking of lifelong guilt, Michael is such a complex character. His guilt has got to be even worse than Danny's, but he's clearly a weaker individual than his brother. That's why I had a hard time buying that he is suddenly able to confess to his mother after Mel reveals her conversation with Danny. I love the scene when he opens up: how he lies to his father and then we watch him tell his mother from the father's POV. But I think it comes to easily. One thread that felt underdeveloped with Michael is his coke habit. There's not enough usage to call it a "problem," but the fact that he's trading his vinyl for blow is telling. After all, he loves his records more than Karla. So if he's willing to trade them for drugs, it's perfectly believable for him to have a problem. Perhaps playing this thread out a bit could lead to more suffering and soul-searching for Michael, which concludes with him confessing to his mother. One idea is that he goes on a real bender after talking with Mel. Almost dies. And when he wakes up with his parents over his hospital bed, he comes clean.

Dialogue is superb. Each character has a very identifiable vocabulary and tone. So much so, that I immediately recognized Richie's voice as one of the thugs from the knife fight. The repetition of "bruv" is what tipped me off. Not sure if you want the audience to figure it out so soon--I don't think any suspense is lost though. The fact that we know who Richie is builds up the suspense and drama as we hold our breath for whenever they will meet again.

While the end feels right, I'm left wanting more for Danny. I wanted him to hear his mother's voicemail before he died. That would've been a cathartic experience. But I also recognize how much more tragic his death is since he dies without knowing his mother forgives him. And again, things just feel too easy for Michael. He finds Karla in Cancun and happily ever after...

Best of luck moving forward with Playlist. It was a suspenseful and fast read. Certainly a script I would enjoy seeing transformed to the screen. read

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