hinge1492

by hinge1492 on 04/05/2013

I like the concept of a phobia spawning from the date of the protagonist’s birth, which was also the death of her mother. Then it’s reinforced by the death of her father under the auspices of 13, and future occurrences of 13. It points to how deeply family and circumstances can contribute to lasting personality effects. I also love the touch of renumbering the flat to 31 to... read

The Reluctant Bishop review

A review of The Reluctant Bishop

by hinge1492 on 04/04/2013

I really dig historical fiction, especially fiction involving the middle ages church. This is a rich setting with lots of potential conflict. The opening sentence is a run-on and clunky. “Walter Giffard, Lord of Logueville studied the calm middleaged man stood before him, Bishop Wulstan of Worcester was the last Anglo-Saxon Bishop still in office after the wholesale changes... read

Triskaidekaphobia review by a fellow 13

A review of Triskaidekaphobia

by hinge1492 on 04/04/2013

This is an interesting story, focusing on a largely unremarkable homeless narrator who has a phobia of 13, rather than the other far more pressing concerns in his life. I like how he focuses on the number to the exclusion of other worries. Speaks to how all-consuming the obsession is. I think the secondary title is unnecessary, and is too reminiscent of Dr. Strangelove. It’s... This is an interesting story, focusing on a largely unremarkable homeless narrator who has a phobia of 13, rather than the other far more pressing concerns in his life. I like how he focuses on the number to the exclusion of other worries. Speaks to how all-consuming the obsession is.

I think the secondary title is unnecessary, and is too reminiscent of Dr. Strangelove. It’s fine as John’s title, but what we’re reading is obviously not his letter.

I noticed a pattern in your sentence structure. You regularly connect two similar observations with a comma, often with “and” as well: “Piss and sweat – a junkie’s leftovers, and the mattress reeks. I inhale, my eyes still closed, and the smell fills my mouth and nose.” “Manhole Face is stretched out on the lower bunk in tattered clothes, and wiry, coarse hair juts out from under a black, bundled skullcap that sits crooked on his head. He clutches a cigarette between his thick fingers, and his eyes burn like the end of the nicotine stick were it lit.” I would encourage you to mix up your sentence structure, breaking up sentences with periods and using both long and short sentences. I also think that the piece is a little overwritten, and I’d scrub for redundant or unneeded adverbs (most are unnecessary), prepositional phrases and adjectives.

The narrator uses some words that seem outside his wheelhouse: piquant, paroxysm, etc. The words feel incongruous with his situation and normal demeanor.

The discussion on page 8 and 9 seems like an “as you know, Bob” conversation. It informs the reader of John’s issues, and doesn’t feel like an actual discussion the two would have. Most of it is unnecessary IMO. The protagonist already has shown he has an obsession with 13, we don’t need the priest to reinforce it. I actually think the father may be an unnecessary character that can be cut. Also, his internal monologue regarding 13 on page 11 is overly long and also unnecessary and redundant. I’d advise cutting most of it.

Which brings me to the climax. The touch of Manhole face being the killer is a good one, well foreshadowed, but it’s confusing with the allusions to 13 and the other 13-obsessed guy trying to kill John. Then I presume John dies, but that’s not satisfying because he doesn’t have any hand in the actions of the story. It’s very deus ex machina. Everything just happens to him, rather than him having an active hand at any time. He’s resigned to his fate, and it makes him a victim the whole story. I’d prefer him take the role of the guy that says “you’re not going to kill me” rather than putting him at the mercy of the fate he reveals in the very first line.

I don’t have a good suggestion to resolve this issue, other than having him resist his fate. I think the start can be slimmed down, perhaps even eliminating the father character.

Again, this is a story that highlights the power of obsession, with nods to a supernatural significance to that obsession, and good foreshadowing of the eventual killer. I think the writing can be slimmed down and the ending made less deus ex machina and more driven by the narrator’s actions. These changes can take the good idea you have here and make it stronger. read

The Apartment review

A review of The Apartment

by hinge1492 on 04/02/2013

Flash fiction is a difficult story form to write, and even more difficult to master. Every word, from the title to the ending line, matters when you have less than a couple thousand words to tell your story. And though The Apartment does several of the mechanical things right, I feel it misses the heart of a flash fiction piece. The piece is not overwritten, which is a common... Flash fiction is a difficult story form to write, and even more difficult to master. Every word, from the title to the ending line, matters when you have less than a couple thousand words to tell your story. And though The Apartment does several of the mechanical things right, I feel it misses the heart of a flash fiction piece.

The piece is not overwritten, which is a common mistake I find not only on Triggerstreet but most submissions I see. Overwriting is bad in prose in general (authors don't realize how much they can get away with not saying or explaining), and death in flash fiction. In this piece there are no words wasted on unnecessary description or throat clearing. No names, either, which is a common flash fiction space waster. There are two characters, one simple setting and one story, perfect for flash fiction.

However, after getting the mechanics of the piece right, I felt the rest falters. The situation is not unique or compelling as it's presented. Most of the first page involves the two characters eating, laughing and having sex. The start does not begin with an engaging hook nor with a crisis. It belabors sex and happiness for half its length, which is a huge digression. The dissatisfaction in the relationship happens in the space of a paragraph, and then she's dead (which was the obvious crisis the piece built toward). Most flash fiction (though not all) banks on a twist close to or just after midpoint, and there's no twist here. The flow is very predictable and methodical.

The biggest issue is that the resolution leaves the reader confused and unsatisfied. I had the luxury of reading the piece several times, with different situations in mind each time. None of them fit well, and none of them added meaning to the piece. A literal translation of the action as if she died in her sleep, reading as if he killed her and he's in jail, reading as if he's crazy and the whole thing is in his head, reading as if the first part is true and her "death" is the way he sees her leaving him, none of these interpretations fit the piece or unlock anything in the text. Flash fiction can have deeper themes uncovered by study, but it can't be obtuse regarding the primary story it tells. And a literal reading (things happen exactly as they're presented) does not have enough tension, conflict or emotional resonance to create an engaging piece.

I think you have the strict mechanics of flash fiction down (no wasted words, no overwriting, no unnecessary characters or complications). But to make the story work, it needs to start closer to the crisis, build tension, and have a better plot flow that is clearer for the reader while leaving subtleties and themes that can be seen on reflection. read

The Present review

A review of The Present

by hinge1492 on 04/01/2013

I like the story idea of a child picking up a bundle of cocaine, and the ramifications of it. It’s a simple idea with lots of potential conflict. I also liked the twist of her being the sharpshooter cop in secret. However, that twist made me question Allegra's initial reactions to Julio finding the package. When I reread the piece, her actions before the twist feel incongruous... read

Final 13 review by a fellow 13

A review of The Final 13th on the Yabuttherabbit List

by hinge1492 on 03/28/2013

I really admire writing a story from the point of view of someone mentally challenged. Always difficult to manage well as a character, let alone the POV character. It is also clearly and fluidly written, with only a few grammar errors. As a result, I really wanted to like this story. And it works at a character study level. But it didn't work for me as a short story. A story... read

Failure to Communicate review

A review of Failure to Communicate

by hinge1492 on 03/28/2013

This is a cute little story twisting the cliche of walking in on your spouse by making your spouse a closet gay. This theme is getting cliche, too, though, and you have to work to make it fresh. I had trouble buying that she was communicating all this in chat, to some guy she had one IRL date with and some amount of online association. It seems like she does so much well thought-out... read

Thicker Than Water review

A review of Thicker Than Water

by hinge1492 on 03/27/2013

This is a solid story idea reminiscent of the Untouchables and Road to Perdition. I like the historical nods in it that give it authenticity. At first I thought the beginning was slow, but after finishing, it’s more appropriate given the twist. The twist is a good one; I only saw it coming at the start of the Doyle scene. I would actually recommend cutting that scene, as his... read

Service Station review

A review of The Service Station

by hinge1492 on 03/27/2013

I dig the concept of a guy randomly encountering his ex-wife anywhere; always uncomfortable, as a guy who’s been divorced. However, it’s even more impactful when it’s in an unfamiliar environment. There is plenty of potential conflict in this situation. I also like the climax when she leaves the note for him, but her departure seemed a bit contrived. If she had more reason... I dig the concept of a guy randomly encountering his ex-wife anywhere; always uncomfortable, as a guy who’s been divorced. However, it’s even more impactful when it’s in an unfamiliar environment. There is plenty of potential conflict in this situation.

I also like the climax when she leaves the note for him, but her departure seemed a bit contrived. If she had more reason to be uncomfortable I could better buy it. Right now it feels like an accelerated ending to get the story over. I think it’s a rich enough situation that you can probably double its length for a more satisfying story.

The intro has some long sentences that can be broken up a bit. It also seems like a slow burn with a lot of info we don’t need and could be cut or slimmed down. I would honestly start up when the ex-wife approaches and have the narrator be surprised. Honestly, I’d have her say “was it worth leaving me for her?” as her first line, possibly surprising him with the question for a moment.

Watch for passive voice and avoid when possible.

You tell what the narrator is feeling rather than showing it. Have him break out in sweat, his heart seize, or his hands shake on his coffee cup. Also, don’t forget your senses. Does he remember how she smells? The sound of her voice? Things you don’t immediately think of when you meet someone again after a long time, but are very impactful.

He also infodumps their history, the court order, etc. A lot of it doesn’t need to be said, and some feels unnatural to share. They haven’t seen each other in more than a quarter century. I’d be more gradual with the reveals and extend the conversation.

As a grammar issue, dialogue by different speakers should typically be put into separate paragraphs.

Again, great concept, good if abrupt climax, and a lot of potential conflict. I think the piece should be a lot longer with dialogue that delivers more than it actually says, and a few grammar issues should be cleaned up. But overall a nice story. read

Rats review

A review of Rats

by hinge1492 on 03/26/2013

This is a well-written short story that tackles the subject of the annoying and sketchy neighbor in a new and refreshing way. I enjoyed the read. Very good descriptions throughout that paint the scene quite well, and you don't waste time getting to the action. I would recommend going through the piece and scrubbing for the few spelling and grammar issues there are. My biggest... read

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Submissions by hinge1492

Reviews by hinge1492 94

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Submissions by hinge1492

Reviews by hinge1492 94

Comments About hinge1492 45

Michael Leath on 05/01/2013

f-ceska on 04/06/2013

Mike Wolfson on 04/01/2013

Michael Leath on 04/01/2013

Belinda2112 on 03/30/2013

Crispim on 03/30/2013

Pili Nathaniel on 03/29/2013

MaxWatt on 03/26/2013

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