a screenplay
by holmes5387
Two strangers, bound together by the corpse of an outlaw, must travel together across the harsh oregon brushlands... more
holmes5387
member since 08/20/2009 |
last login 11/07/2012
I'm a 24 year graphic designer who absolutely loves the film industry. I'm a very passionate person, both in my personal life and my career choices, and I constantly have the desire to create, in any medium....
Bio
I'm a 24 year graphic designer who absolutely loves the film industry. I'm a very passionate person, both in my personal life and my career choices, and I constantly have the desire to create, in any medium.
Submissions by holmes5387
Reviews by holmes5387 10
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A review of Trench Coat Blondeby holmes5387 on 03/06/2010Trench coat blonde is a well written fast past heist story that has a few elements that don't quite make the grade, particularly in its main characters. Hey there, me again. Assignments are handed out randomly, and it was just chance that I got another one of yours in my assignment box. The premise was very interesting, so I decided to go for it. Once again your formatting... Trench coat blonde is a well written fast past heist story that has a few elements that don't quite make the grade, particularly in its main characters.
Hey there, me again. Assignments are handed out randomly, and it was just chance that I got another one of yours in my assignment box. The premise was very interesting, so I decided to go for it.
Once again your formatting and spell checking is pretty darn good. I only noticed a few errors.
pg. 82 - Wide West, should be wild west
pg. 85 - Eve IS checks
Just little things like that. The story however is where things need the most work.
I think your other script Freudian Sip has a much more realistic narrative and more relatable characters. The characters in TCB are hard to keep up with, and hard to sympathize with. For one thing, there are many of them. I had a hard time differentiating the women characters, and their respective attitudes towards the heists. On top of that, their attitudes seemed to change throughout the story very abruptly.
Everything happens very fast, and if anything things need to be slowed down. Kate's change of heart to join her friends in the robberies comes about much too quickly. She needs time to think on it, time to reflect on how it could help her life.
That's my next criticism, their motives. In order for 5 otherwise normal women to go to such extremes, they really need a better reason to do so. The things that are mentioned, new braces, mortgage payments, etc. Are all everyday problems that we all deal with. When I get behind on a car payment, I can get stressed about it, but it doesn't lead me to a life of naked crime. On the other hand, if I had no family or friends to rely on, and I was losing everything in my life, my home, my car, my possessions, THEN my mind might lean towards drastic tendencies. I think you need to find better reasons for these girls to get into this mindset.
Like I mentioned in the previous script you do have quite a bit of detailed action that may need to be slimmed down. On the other side of that coin, your lengthy dialogue scenes are very enjoyable. While they don't have the same uniqueness a lot of the conversations did in Freudian Sip, they are still entertaining. If anything I think they should be longer, both setting up our characters pasts, and their decisions to rob these banks.
Funny that I would read two of yours scripts and come to many of the same conclusions about both. But that's what I've seen. Hopefully my comments are helpful in future re-writes. As always, keep writing. read -
A review of Freudian Sipby holmes5387 on 03/05/2010First things first, you've written a great screenplay. I will admit that very early on I was skeptical, particularly by your title and brief synopsis of the story. I was almost under the impression I'd be reading a comedy. But things get much better, very quickly. Your formatting is very good, and as far as I could tell from my limited experience there aren't really any major... First things first, you've written a great screenplay. I will admit that very early on I was skeptical, particularly by your title and brief synopsis of the story. I was almost under the impression I'd be reading a comedy. But things get much better, very quickly.
Your formatting is very good, and as far as I could tell from my limited experience there aren't really any major flaws. I'm still unsure myself about the necessity of using (Cont'd) in every break of a single characters dialogue, but I don't think it really hurts. As far as I know, one should only use it if a characters speech is not intended to be split on screen by the action. If there is a pause between what a character says, and an action, you don't need the Cont'd. I know some screenwriting programs add it automatically, but I've also known many people to turn it off, so it's hard to say.
Typos are very far and few between, but I did notice a few.
Page 63- Freud begins to "COUGHS"
Page 68 - "has Lucian" - should be "as Lucian".
These are very easy to miss, and surely will be weeded out as others read it and you re-read it. It's pretty impressive how many times you can read your own script, and fly over these types of mistakes. I do it all the time. I will be sick of reading my own script, and I'll think I've found EVERY error. Then by chance I open it right to a page where I see I've used "Your" instead of "You're". Etc.
Moving on to the content itself. As I said in the beginning I was a little uncertain as to how this story would unfold. But as I got into it, I enjoyed it more. In particular, your final scene in the graveyard is wonderful to say the least. It is a bit wordy, and I'm sure you'll be called on that by others as well.
I have a terrible habit of writing my actions scenes exactly as I want them to be seen. But as many people have told me, you are a writer, NOT a director. And as hard as it is to do, you may need to leave some action out of your hands. I wish that wasn't the case, as the final battle is both exiting and I think iconic. In fact I think it's the most original scene you have. The image of vampires dueling while epic explosions rock the city in the background is a fantastic one. On top of that, the final way in which Jonathan kills Lucian wraps the story up perfectly, and I can see the image clear as day in my mind. I think your beginning/end relationship is your strongest characteristic. And truth be told, that is usually what makes or breaks a movie. As screenwriter Robert McKee has said: "Wow them in the end, and you've got a hit."
So what about the body of it? Well here's where things get tricky. Vampire stories are a large part of our culture, particularly right now. And one very common recurring theme is soul searching/human sympathy. Interview with a vampire, Twilight, Daybreakers, True Blood, and even Underworld deal with this dilemma in varying degrees. Fortunately for you, none of the vampires depicted in these stories ever seeks therapy (as far as I can recollect.) The closest we have is Interview with a Vampire, in which Louis gives just that- an interview.
It's both a compliment and a criticism to say your story will draw comparisons to Interview, but it will. Though the time period is much more sprawling in Interview, Lestat and Lewis's characters share close resemblances to Jonathan and Lucian's. You may want to think on adapting on your characters histories, explain their pasts better, to both define them, and allow us to care more about their future. Katherine in particular has very little back story, and she seems like a more interesting character than she's portrayed.
Now.. Freud. The reason I initially thought it was a comedy really lay in Freud. The name and the association in today's society does not revere him as he was. Psychiatrists have a theatrical representation of being comical, cool, witty characters, which often lends them to be great dead-pan deliverers. As I read however, your therapy sessions were not funny or cheesy, in fact I found them quite compelling. You've done your research on Freud, and his mannerisms and dialogue is some of the best in your story. I was very excited every time Jonathan would visit him, and if anything I think you need at least 1 more scene in which they meet. Their conversations are great, but too infrequent. Not enough of a conclusion or diagnosis is made by the time we've reached their final session. Though I realize it was cut short by Lucian, I still would have liked to see Jonathan make a revelation in his last meeting (or shortly after.) Their final discussion is about sex, and I think it would be more powerful if it had ended on love, not started with it. As love seems to be the missing ingredient in living forever.
The other major issue is history. In movies you are allowed to step on history's toes (See Quentin Tarantino for examples) but it's not always the safest first step. You are more or less trying to convince your audience, that Freud was killed by vampires in OUR history, and that it was hidden by an apparent suicide. For whatever reason, people have a hard time with this sort of thing. Did the lookouts inadvertently crash the Titanic because they were watching two people make out instead of looking for icebergs? Probably, not. And I know a lot of reviewers noted the silliness of that addition. Then again, you can't really argue with a 1.8 billion dollar worldwide box office. All I'm saying is it may up the credibility a good deal if your psychiatrist was just a random character, and not a historical figure. Then again, hard to say how many of his kind were even out there at the time.
Overall good pacing, great dialogue, your characters need body, and your story needs more fiction. Just my opinions, hope they are helpful. Good luck and keep writing. read -
A review of Exit Strategiesby holmes5387 on 03/03/2010I've just finished reading Exit Strategies, and in short it's a well paced action adventure that may perhaps borrow a bit to extensively from its inspiration. I watch a lot of movies. I imagine I received this script because it falls into line with the type of films I enjoy. Unfortunately that is both a good and bad thing. The writing is good, the pacing is good, and the... I've just finished reading Exit Strategies, and in short it's a well paced action adventure that may perhaps borrow a bit to extensively from its inspiration.
I watch a lot of movies. I imagine I received this script because it falls into line with the type of films I enjoy. Unfortunately that is both a good and bad thing.
The writing is good, the pacing is good, and the formatting is overall about right. I only noticed a few typos, and a few formatting mistakes, particularly with characters continuous dialogue, but I'm going to focus my thoughts more on the story, because I feel that's what I'm best suited to review.
First and foremost, there are just too many similarities with your story, and with the film "Wanted." Intended or not, the contrasts are too stark for your film to stand apart. Whether it's the carefree but gung-ho female co-star, the overly nice but willing-to-kill male lead, or the series of events that bring these two together, there is just too much. Even changing Sydney to a male would help this dynamic a good deal, but even then- The way in which she approaches X about his special skills, the solitude X feels knowing he has no family or people who care for him, and the overall theme of kill 1 bad guy, save a bunch of good guys, is too similar.
There are similarities with other films as well. Kings shake-up of all the city is getting into Joker/Dark Knight territory, and even X's phone call to the car owner seems to reflect Sean Connery's in "The Rock."
You may think I'm being too harsh, but I'm only trying to be constructive. People who would enjoy this movie, would have seen the films I've mentioned. This isn't to say it doesn't have potential, it does, a good deal of it. There is good material here, good visuals, and great action. Action I'd pay to see. All it needs is some revision, and bit of your own flavor mixed in. You don't have to change the central story, just the way a few key characters interact with it.
I did enjoy your villains ruthless manner, and the ability you have to kill off characters without warning. But be cautious of how you set these things up. When X sees kitty has been captured, would he announce "We have to save her?" When King is obviously within earshot? The viewer knows his connection, and knows his first thought would be to rescue her. There are a few cases like this where your characters are saying instead of showing.
Don't get discouraged, and don't stop writing. One of my biggest problems is when I love a scene or character from a movie, I can't help but mimic it. I can't tell you how many times I've written Daniel Day-Lewis Characters into my westerns realizing only later how their quick talk and smooth manner pulls too much from "There Will be Blood." Or I've written ruthless killers whose cold attitude stems too much from "No Country for Old Men."
Hollywood's scarcest treasures are original screenplays. It's why we see so many remakes, reboots and sequels. There is a huge target audience for stylized ultra-violent gunplay, but always be wary of the fact that the people who enjoy that theme, know it better than anyone. read
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Submissions by holmes5387
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a screenplay by holmes5387Two strangers, bound together by the corpse of an outlaw, must travel together across the harsh oregon brushlands... more
Reviews by holmes5387 10
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A review of Trench Coat Blondeby holmes5387 on 03/06/2010Trench coat blonde is a well written fast past heist story that has a few elements that don't quite make the grade, particularly in its main characters. Hey there, me again. Assignments are handed out randomly, and it was just chance that I got another one of yours in my assignment box. The premise was very interesting, so I decided to go for it. Once again your formatting... Trench coat blonde is a well written fast past heist story that has a few elements that don't quite make the grade, particularly in its main characters.
Hey there, me again. Assignments are handed out randomly, and it was just chance that I got another one of yours in my assignment box. The premise was very interesting, so I decided to go for it.
Once again your formatting and spell checking is pretty darn good. I only noticed a few errors.
pg. 82 - Wide West, should be wild west
pg. 85 - Eve IS checks
Just little things like that. The story however is where things need the most work.
I think your other script Freudian Sip has a much more realistic narrative and more relatable characters. The characters in TCB are hard to keep up with, and hard to sympathize with. For one thing, there are many of them. I had a hard time differentiating the women characters, and their respective attitudes towards the heists. On top of that, their attitudes seemed to change throughout the story very abruptly.
Everything happens very fast, and if anything things need to be slowed down. Kate's change of heart to join her friends in the robberies comes about much too quickly. She needs time to think on it, time to reflect on how it could help her life.
That's my next criticism, their motives. In order for 5 otherwise normal women to go to such extremes, they really need a better reason to do so. The things that are mentioned, new braces, mortgage payments, etc. Are all everyday problems that we all deal with. When I get behind on a car payment, I can get stressed about it, but it doesn't lead me to a life of naked crime. On the other hand, if I had no family or friends to rely on, and I was losing everything in my life, my home, my car, my possessions, THEN my mind might lean towards drastic tendencies. I think you need to find better reasons for these girls to get into this mindset.
Like I mentioned in the previous script you do have quite a bit of detailed action that may need to be slimmed down. On the other side of that coin, your lengthy dialogue scenes are very enjoyable. While they don't have the same uniqueness a lot of the conversations did in Freudian Sip, they are still entertaining. If anything I think they should be longer, both setting up our characters pasts, and their decisions to rob these banks.
Funny that I would read two of yours scripts and come to many of the same conclusions about both. But that's what I've seen. Hopefully my comments are helpful in future re-writes. As always, keep writing. read -
A review of Freudian Sipby holmes5387 on 03/05/2010First things first, you've written a great screenplay. I will admit that very early on I was skeptical, particularly by your title and brief synopsis of the story. I was almost under the impression I'd be reading a comedy. But things get much better, very quickly. Your formatting is very good, and as far as I could tell from my limited experience there aren't really any major... First things first, you've written a great screenplay. I will admit that very early on I was skeptical, particularly by your title and brief synopsis of the story. I was almost under the impression I'd be reading a comedy. But things get much better, very quickly.
Your formatting is very good, and as far as I could tell from my limited experience there aren't really any major flaws. I'm still unsure myself about the necessity of using (Cont'd) in every break of a single characters dialogue, but I don't think it really hurts. As far as I know, one should only use it if a characters speech is not intended to be split on screen by the action. If there is a pause between what a character says, and an action, you don't need the Cont'd. I know some screenwriting programs add it automatically, but I've also known many people to turn it off, so it's hard to say.
Typos are very far and few between, but I did notice a few.
Page 63- Freud begins to "COUGHS"
Page 68 - "has Lucian" - should be "as Lucian".
These are very easy to miss, and surely will be weeded out as others read it and you re-read it. It's pretty impressive how many times you can read your own script, and fly over these types of mistakes. I do it all the time. I will be sick of reading my own script, and I'll think I've found EVERY error. Then by chance I open it right to a page where I see I've used "Your" instead of "You're". Etc.
Moving on to the content itself. As I said in the beginning I was a little uncertain as to how this story would unfold. But as I got into it, I enjoyed it more. In particular, your final scene in the graveyard is wonderful to say the least. It is a bit wordy, and I'm sure you'll be called on that by others as well.
I have a terrible habit of writing my actions scenes exactly as I want them to be seen. But as many people have told me, you are a writer, NOT a director. And as hard as it is to do, you may need to leave some action out of your hands. I wish that wasn't the case, as the final battle is both exiting and I think iconic. In fact I think it's the most original scene you have. The image of vampires dueling while epic explosions rock the city in the background is a fantastic one. On top of that, the final way in which Jonathan kills Lucian wraps the story up perfectly, and I can see the image clear as day in my mind. I think your beginning/end relationship is your strongest characteristic. And truth be told, that is usually what makes or breaks a movie. As screenwriter Robert McKee has said: "Wow them in the end, and you've got a hit."
So what about the body of it? Well here's where things get tricky. Vampire stories are a large part of our culture, particularly right now. And one very common recurring theme is soul searching/human sympathy. Interview with a vampire, Twilight, Daybreakers, True Blood, and even Underworld deal with this dilemma in varying degrees. Fortunately for you, none of the vampires depicted in these stories ever seeks therapy (as far as I can recollect.) The closest we have is Interview with a Vampire, in which Louis gives just that- an interview.
It's both a compliment and a criticism to say your story will draw comparisons to Interview, but it will. Though the time period is much more sprawling in Interview, Lestat and Lewis's characters share close resemblances to Jonathan and Lucian's. You may want to think on adapting on your characters histories, explain their pasts better, to both define them, and allow us to care more about their future. Katherine in particular has very little back story, and she seems like a more interesting character than she's portrayed.
Now.. Freud. The reason I initially thought it was a comedy really lay in Freud. The name and the association in today's society does not revere him as he was. Psychiatrists have a theatrical representation of being comical, cool, witty characters, which often lends them to be great dead-pan deliverers. As I read however, your therapy sessions were not funny or cheesy, in fact I found them quite compelling. You've done your research on Freud, and his mannerisms and dialogue is some of the best in your story. I was very excited every time Jonathan would visit him, and if anything I think you need at least 1 more scene in which they meet. Their conversations are great, but too infrequent. Not enough of a conclusion or diagnosis is made by the time we've reached their final session. Though I realize it was cut short by Lucian, I still would have liked to see Jonathan make a revelation in his last meeting (or shortly after.) Their final discussion is about sex, and I think it would be more powerful if it had ended on love, not started with it. As love seems to be the missing ingredient in living forever.
The other major issue is history. In movies you are allowed to step on history's toes (See Quentin Tarantino for examples) but it's not always the safest first step. You are more or less trying to convince your audience, that Freud was killed by vampires in OUR history, and that it was hidden by an apparent suicide. For whatever reason, people have a hard time with this sort of thing. Did the lookouts inadvertently crash the Titanic because they were watching two people make out instead of looking for icebergs? Probably, not. And I know a lot of reviewers noted the silliness of that addition. Then again, you can't really argue with a 1.8 billion dollar worldwide box office. All I'm saying is it may up the credibility a good deal if your psychiatrist was just a random character, and not a historical figure. Then again, hard to say how many of his kind were even out there at the time.
Overall good pacing, great dialogue, your characters need body, and your story needs more fiction. Just my opinions, hope they are helpful. Good luck and keep writing. read -
A review of Exit Strategiesby holmes5387 on 03/03/2010I've just finished reading Exit Strategies, and in short it's a well paced action adventure that may perhaps borrow a bit to extensively from its inspiration. I watch a lot of movies. I imagine I received this script because it falls into line with the type of films I enjoy. Unfortunately that is both a good and bad thing. The writing is good, the pacing is good, and the... I've just finished reading Exit Strategies, and in short it's a well paced action adventure that may perhaps borrow a bit to extensively from its inspiration.
I watch a lot of movies. I imagine I received this script because it falls into line with the type of films I enjoy. Unfortunately that is both a good and bad thing.
The writing is good, the pacing is good, and the formatting is overall about right. I only noticed a few typos, and a few formatting mistakes, particularly with characters continuous dialogue, but I'm going to focus my thoughts more on the story, because I feel that's what I'm best suited to review.
First and foremost, there are just too many similarities with your story, and with the film "Wanted." Intended or not, the contrasts are too stark for your film to stand apart. Whether it's the carefree but gung-ho female co-star, the overly nice but willing-to-kill male lead, or the series of events that bring these two together, there is just too much. Even changing Sydney to a male would help this dynamic a good deal, but even then- The way in which she approaches X about his special skills, the solitude X feels knowing he has no family or people who care for him, and the overall theme of kill 1 bad guy, save a bunch of good guys, is too similar.
There are similarities with other films as well. Kings shake-up of all the city is getting into Joker/Dark Knight territory, and even X's phone call to the car owner seems to reflect Sean Connery's in "The Rock."
You may think I'm being too harsh, but I'm only trying to be constructive. People who would enjoy this movie, would have seen the films I've mentioned. This isn't to say it doesn't have potential, it does, a good deal of it. There is good material here, good visuals, and great action. Action I'd pay to see. All it needs is some revision, and bit of your own flavor mixed in. You don't have to change the central story, just the way a few key characters interact with it.
I did enjoy your villains ruthless manner, and the ability you have to kill off characters without warning. But be cautious of how you set these things up. When X sees kitty has been captured, would he announce "We have to save her?" When King is obviously within earshot? The viewer knows his connection, and knows his first thought would be to rescue her. There are a few cases like this where your characters are saying instead of showing.
Don't get discouraged, and don't stop writing. One of my biggest problems is when I love a scene or character from a movie, I can't help but mimic it. I can't tell you how many times I've written Daniel Day-Lewis Characters into my westerns realizing only later how their quick talk and smooth manner pulls too much from "There Will be Blood." Or I've written ruthless killers whose cold attitude stems too much from "No Country for Old Men."
Hollywood's scarcest treasures are original screenplays. It's why we see so many remakes, reboots and sequels. There is a huge target audience for stylized ultra-violent gunplay, but always be wary of the fact that the people who enjoy that theme, know it better than anyone. read -
A review of Jonah and the Shark (v2)by holmes5387 on 08/30/2009It isn't often I receive a piece of writing, particularly a screenplay that I can just barrel through in one sitting. It takes something special for me to be drawn in right from the get go, but something about this story felt very right. The setting is great, perfect even, and the time period is ideal. It's like watching through a window at a piece of world that's trying... It isn't often I receive a piece of writing, particularly a screenplay that I can just barrel through in one sitting. It takes something special for me to be drawn in right from the get go, but something about this story felt very right.
The setting is great, perfect even, and the time period is ideal. It's like watching through a window at a piece of world that's trying its best to stay slow, while wars and politics go on behind it. I loved the coastal towns charm, and the deep characters who inhabited it.
For the sake of being constructive, there were a few things I'd like to share my opinion on. Now for the majority of this story I felt like it fit right into the perfect zone of filmmaking, the spot where both children and adults would enjoy it. But there were a few spots that would bump an otherwise PG tale, to PG-13. The profanity automatically would shed a larger part of your audience, and I think with the most minor of adjustments, this could be avoided. It's important to keep the intensity up, in particular with Jonah and his father, but it seems a shame to alter the genre from "family drama" to "drama" with a single word.
While we're on the topic of that particular scene between Jonah and his father, I think it's actually not a bad idea to tone down his father's loss of temper, if only slightly. I think pushing Jonah would be better than hitting him, if only because it would make his 180 degree apology and Jonahs acceptance of it, more believable. Through the story Jonah's father always seems like the type to border on hitting the boy-but would never actually do it. I can see the regret in his eyes as he sees his son laying on the dock, with his gear scattered around, it would be a very emotional moment for them both.
The story had a wonderful "father-son passing the skill" sort of theme, which was perfect because Jonah's father may have always wished to see his son show an interest in the military (but he never does.) The only problem then arises with Blue. Don't get me wrong, I loved her character, and her passing was believable and very sad, but I felt like this was such a father-son story, her character would make more sense as a man. I still think there needs to be a sassy, aggressive, female character in the story however, so it makes sense to make one of the two fellow fisherman that character. It works either way, I just got the feeling the symbolism would have been stronger, and Jonah's inevitable bond with his father would have been more sentimental, if a male Blue had a father who loved fishing, and a son who didn't.
Overall it's a fantastic story that I couldn't help but read from start to finish. I love stories where there is a location you can't wait for the main character to get to. It's like Gladiator, you enjoy the movie, but are most excited for when Maximus enters the coliseum. The pier is Jonahs battle ground, and it's thrilling each time he goes. As far as I know there hasn't been a story about shark fishing from the shore. It's a unique and frightening sport. And in this business, originality is everything. Keep it up. read -
A review of A Constant Variableby holmes5387 on 08/20/2009I just finished reading "A Constant Variable" and have to say it was both an enjoyable, and reasonably realistic take on time travel. As a big fan of any story that messes with the space-time continuum, I'm typically a pretty harsh critic when it comes to the matter of paradoxes. In the case of the constant variable however, there were very few moments during the read that... I just finished reading "A Constant Variable" and have to say it was both an enjoyable, and reasonably realistic take on time travel. As a big fan of any story that messes with the space-time continuum, I'm typically a pretty harsh critic when it comes to the matter of paradoxes. In the case of the constant variable however, there were very few moments during the read that anything cropped up as inconsistent, or irrelevant. Which is good. And important.
One of the hardest elements of writing time traveling stories, I imagine, is keeping your dates, times, and characters in order, and making sure your audience doesn't get lost in the mix. Because this story is based in a smaller, more personal setting, the elements of time travel become simpler to grasp, and events that transpired earlier on, aren't lost in the fray of what's happened since. It's well written and has some genuinely funny moments, (when I found out Tayah had sent his double to the pool party I laughed out loud.)
There are some opportunities for improvement, if I may say so. For one I think there is definitely time for more character building, with some more background on Tayah and Jacob in particular. At an estimated 106 minutes, the script still has room for a little more personal time with its main characters. Jacobs motives could use some fleshing out. Finding an original motive for time travel is hard, granted, you don't want him fighting to save a loved one (see Simon Well's "The Time Machine"), and you don't want him doing it for academic purposes, (see the first half of Zemeckis's "Back to the Future.") And you don't want him scrambling to un-do all that has been done in the first place. (see Back to the future trilogy, Star Trek: First Contact, the Terminator series, etc.) Now what you HAVE come up with, is good. He desires to travel because he is unhappy with his life, and the paradox is, only in traveling does he begin to realize what was missing in the first place, (love, chemistry, purpose). The inherent problem then, is WHY does he not enjoy his life in the present? As Tayah says, he has a lovely wife, and home, and job. If it is a sort of mid-life crisis, I think that angle should be explored deeper. "Some men buy sports cars, others time travel." He needs to show more disdain in what he has, perhaps by describing what he'd always longed to have. Why is he missing the chemistry and romance from his life now? There's probably a paradox in there.. He's lost it because he needs to find it. But, I'll leave that to you.
Overall great job, great read. Keep it up. You have everything ironed out well. I was never lost or confused, and visually the movie would look very cool. Don't be afraid to get the audience to connect deeper with Jacob, he's a likable individual, despite his desire to never stay put. read
Comments About holmes5387 9
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MSchmidt13 on 09/08/2010
Aloha!
To clarify, I just really like "Blood Meridian" so far. I'm reading it right now. It's got great imagery and beautiful prose. I'd advise anyone who writes a western to check it out.
I figured you might dig it. Along with "Preacher". I love that series.
Anywho, good luck! Lemme know if I can assist you further.
Cheers!
Mike -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/14/2010
Hey--
I haven't read the second draft yet, but based on the first and your comment:
Magnetite stone gone = good idea.
Changin Owbridge=bad idea.
I like that Ashley's greed and eagerness to chase after the big bounty blinds him so readily against the outright cruelty that Owbridge exudes. It sets up and makes Ashey's fate palatable for the audience to a certain degree.
I mean it's probably too late, but I'd strengthen Ashely's motive for going on the trip at the get go rather than changing Owbridge so that Ashley going on the trip is more understandable.
Just me though.
Good luck!
Nick -
regpark on 07/09/2010
Hey Holmes... (sorry that just sounded cool) As one who just figured out credits and all - I was wondering if you assigned your earned credits to your submission. I mean I liked your story and figured you deserve more reviews than 2 and since those reviews took away the credits that were assigned to the script, if you haven't manipulated your credits - your script isn't being assigned anymore.... If I am off base - that's cool, have been there before - but just thought maybe you wanted more feedback.
Cheers
Reggie -
OldFFF on 03/08/2010
I'm not sure how you would get that intention across. Wallace could never tell Ashley that he was going to use the body to inflict more harm on the family and therefore the audience can't learn of it. It is classically difficult to move a story with two characters together so much. A thrid person would allow you to have each of them see and hear different things.
I also wondered, but did not presume to suggest, if there would not be some implicit threat to the girls at the farm. If Wallace wants the Owbridge family to suffer, who better than Ashley to deliver the body for him while he goes back to the farm for the women? He could pump Ashley up with talk of the money and how Ashley could help his mother with it. If Ashley can be tricked into stealing the body for the reward and keep both horses early, the only sensible thing for Wallace to do would be to walk back to the farm. -
drakeisawake on 03/06/2010
Thanks for your review of Trench Coat Blonde, and deciding to read yet another of my scripts. I do appreciate the feedback and will keep some of your suggestions in mind during the re-writes. Thanks, again. -
drakeisawake on 03/05/2010
Thanks for your review of Freudian Sip. I am glad it turned out to be more than you expected. I will definitely keep some of your suggestions in mind during rewrites. -
Agent Cooper on 03/03/2010
Hey Holmes
Thanks for your review of Exit Strategies. Appreciate it. Always nice to get an intelligent review.
Thanks again
-
BDC on 08/23/2009
I've been having a tough time with my writing and yr review was really encouraging to me. Thank you so much for the time you put into reading it and thinking about it and I will definitely think about everything you said. I really appreciate it. -
Kathren on 08/21/2009
Thanks for your review. I appreciate your comments and will take them into consideration in any future re-write.
Best,
Kathren
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Comments About holmes5387 9
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Aloha!
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Hey--
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Hey Holmes... (sorry that just sounded cool) As one who just figured out credits and all - I was wondering if you assigned your earned credits to your submission. I mean I liked your story and figured you deserve more reviews than 2 and since those reviews took away the credits that were assigned to the script, if you haven't manipulated your credits - your script isn't being assigned anymore.... If I am off base - that's cool, have been there before - but just thought maybe you wanted more feedback.
+ more commentsMSchmidt13 on 09/08/2010
To clarify, I just really like "Blood Meridian" so far. I'm reading it right now. It's got great imagery and beautiful prose. I'd advise anyone who writes a western to check it out.
I figured you might dig it. Along with "Preacher". I love that series.
Anywho, good luck! Lemme know if I can assist you further.
Cheers!
Mike
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/14/2010
I haven't read the second draft yet, but based on the first and your comment:
Magnetite stone gone = good idea.
Changin Owbridge=bad idea.
I like that Ashley's greed and eagerness to chase after the big bounty blinds him so readily against the outright cruelty that Owbridge exudes. It sets up and makes Ashey's fate palatable for the audience to a certain degree.
I mean it's probably too late, but I'd strengthen Ashely's motive for going on the trip at the get go rather than changing Owbridge so that Ashley going on the trip is more understandable.
Just me though.
Good luck!
Nick
regpark on 07/09/2010
Cheers
Reggie