Horace Jacobi

Right Hand

A review of Red Left Hand

by Horace Jacobi on 03/01/2011

If I cared about formatting at all, I would point out the lack of paragraph indentations and it being single spaced (my story is as well), but I don’t, so overall, your story is perfect. I really can’t imagine anyone who has reviewed this piece having anything at all to complain about, and I imagine if there is some fault hidden beneath the great tale being told here, it is... read

Curtain Call

A review of Curtains

by Horace Jacobi on 03/01/2011

I can honestly say I have nothing to offer you. No help, no advice, but do you really need it at this point? I believe this is a story of yours that has already been published, so reviewing it now is simply for pleasure. I noticed Curtains has been on the Top Ten for a while, so by now, if there even were some slip-ups or errors of any kind, they would have been mentioned... read

Ignorance is Bliss

A review of This Island Is Bliss

by Horace Jacobi on 03/01/2011

I enjoyed the story, and the whole idea buried within the many, many lines of over-explanation. What I think needs to be done, essentially, is trim the fat and leave only the meat of the story. Combine sentences and all that, and you’ll have a decent story. My only other issue was that I felt as though something was missing. I don’t know what to call it, resolution maybe... I enjoyed the story, and the whole idea buried within the many, many lines of over-explanation. What I think needs to be done, essentially, is trim the fat and leave only the meat of the story. Combine sentences and all that, and you’ll have a decent story. My only other issue was that I felt as though something was missing. I don’t know what to call it, resolution maybe – I just feel as though its missing something. But, I suppose if the message is: ignorance is bliss; it does work in some ways.

There were a few things I noticed, like formatting and the like. One thing that seemed to be constant is large paragraphs. One example of this is the initial two paragraphs; it felt as though they could have been a lot shorter without really losing anything. A lot of the same ideas seemed to repeat. I feel condensing some of these types of paragraphs would only help make the piece stronger.

Pages 2-3: The dialogue between our main character and this mysterious stranger doesn’t sit right with me, and I believe this lies heavily on the main characters repetitive use of the word “what”, “excuse me” and the like. This, like the paragraphs mentioned before, felt as though it could be condensed. Finding something more interesting than a loop track of “what” would also probably help. It almost makes him seem deaf rather than the reason he is actually saying what, that reason truly being he doesn’t want to hear what the man is saying.

Page 5: ‘I had expected the liquor to make the thought of death more tolerable, but instead small remnants of hope started to bubble up inside of me and life started to become more tolerable.’
I couldn’t tell if tolerable was an intentional repetition or not, but it didn’t read right to me and made me do a double take.

Page 5: ‘I was at the edge of a tall, steep cliff that had a ladder to the bottom. I figured that I could start climbing down the ladder part ways and just jump off if, along the way, I changed my mind.’
This is a perfect example of condensing sentences. I feel as though the first sentence is strong enough on it’s own that it doesn’t need the explanation. Of course, I could very well be wrong and some might not pick up on what you mean, so I suppose it could really go either way.

I did like the story. I just feel it gets lost within some of the drawn-out paragraphs. I could also see some people injecting a different kind of conflict for this tale, like maybe the main decides he misses his old life and fights to get off the island, but I feel as though there is a much deeper message hidden here that I would be much more willing to search for after a rewrite. read

No Words

A review of The Sound of the Night

by Horace Jacobi on 02/27/2011

I heard quite a bit of good things about this story so I was excited when it popped up on my assignment list, and the fact that it’s sitting in the Top Ten only confirms what I have read. I loved the story from the first sentence to the last. The unique voices and characters all mix together with such ferocity, it is truly astounding. I think what I loved most about this... I heard quite a bit of good things about this story so I was excited when it popped up on my assignment list, and the fact that it’s sitting in the Top Ten only confirms what I have read. I loved the story from the first sentence to the last. The unique voices and characters all mix together with such ferocity, it is truly astounding. I think what I loved most about this piece was Toledo’s description of Mookie’s ability to describe his life through music. That part especially stood out to me, not to mention Mookie’s advice.

I noted a few things below. Nothing important really, a few things that caught my eye. Really, though, due to the narrator’s unique voice all of these could be derived from that and ignored, but I wouldn’t feel right with giving a generalized answer like “there were a few things that didn’t read right for me”, because this doesn’t exactly help the reader when trying to figure out what the reviewer meant.

Page 4: ‘…a baritone that somehow I knew if I had the two of us'd be speaking out loud and proud together. Somehow I knew we could say things…”
Okay, this is me (and only me, probably) but whenever I see words or phrases repeated it always sticks out in my mind as a bad thing – even though many great writers use repetition for that very effect, to stick out in the readers mind. So, the phrase “somehow I knew” being repeated felt awkward to me, but could have been your intention to do. I guarantee I’m the only one who will point this out… I have weird ways of looking at writing, though.

Page 5: ‘And yet I knew I must talk to him.’
This sentence sounded clunky to me, almost as if it shifted tense. Rather than ‘must’ maybe ‘had to’.

These things can be racked up to the narrator’s voice and honestly, I was reaching for straws. You got a solid piece on your hand and it deserves all the positive feedback it has received. I envy your ability to weave an intricate web of storytelling with such a simple premise. read

The Golden Child

A review of SKIN DEEP

by Horace Jacobi on 02/26/2011

Wow, that is one hell of a name (the characters). I like the description in your story; it flows into each proceeding line nicely, for the most part. The ugly nature of the hotel and Maria’s observations, ‘ugly boyfriends, ugly babies… etc’ make for a nice contrast with the beautiful women in her Vogue magazine. Her characters is portrayed perfectly. She has her own voice... Wow, that is one hell of a name (the characters). I like the description in your story; it flows into each proceeding line nicely, for the most part. The ugly nature of the hotel and Maria’s observations, ‘ugly boyfriends, ugly babies… etc’ make for a nice contrast with the beautiful women in her Vogue magazine. Her characters is portrayed perfectly. She has her own voice and her desire for a ‘fair baby with light hair and light eyes’ says a lot about who she is, especially when compared to her observations of the others, whose skin she viewed as dirty. This could be played out in a horrible manner, coming off as racist (against her own ethnic background nonetheless) but you, the author, manage to express Maria’s feelings without the hint of racial prejudice, but much rather a poor woman who desires cleanliness, even in her mate. The magazines play a detrimental role in the story as well, reminding me of those people who strive for perfection by looking like others rather than being happy with themselves. It says so much on a sociological scale. Love it, and I usually only love stories with guns and bad guys.

It seams like you reuse words like musty and mildew while describing the scent of the hotel room, which works very well the first time, but then begins to feel repetitive. Maybe think of some other vivid words that could be used in their place after the initial usage?

I try to point out story structure, character and content flaws rather than things an editor or the author themselves could do, but I did decide to note just a few things of this nature down, more for reference than anything else. Myself, I find it annoying when someone reviews a piece of mine and says that ‘parts of the story did not work’ but do not give any hint as to which parts they are referring to. The following act as areas of example for when I say something like that.

Page 3: ‘That man maybe made her pregnant with his ugly seed just now, and then she would have to raise his ugly child.’
I cannot necessarily place the problem in this sentence, only that while reading it caused me to lose pace and almost felt as if it were originally written in one language and then translated with Google into English. I do not mean to be rude by saying this, only that it does not flow as smoothly as everything that had come before it.

Page 3: ‘She went back to work. She stripped the bed and wiped down the plastic mattress cover with a soapy sponge.’
This could probably be made into one sentence.

The ending was absolutely amazing. I really do not have much else to say. You have the structure down, the characters are each unique with their own personalities and voice. There is conflict, but the best part is the not-so-happy-ending. This could be just me, but I HATE happy endings and I loved this story. read

Just a... whoa, man.

A review of Just a Man

by Horace Jacobi on 02/25/2011

Always intriguing to read a Nick Keller piece, you have a knack for delving into any genre and kicking its ass. I’ve read horror, psychological thriller, Science-Fiction and now… OH MY GOD IT’S LITERARY PORN! Kidding, of course. But it inspires me to see such a wide array of subjects coming from the mind of a single person. I say this because I have a tendency to stick... Always intriguing to read a Nick Keller piece, you have a knack for delving into any genre and kicking its ass. I’ve read horror, psychological thriller, Science-Fiction and now…

OH MY GOD IT’S LITERARY PORN!

Kidding, of course. But it inspires me to see such a wide array of subjects coming from the mind of a single person. I say this because I have a tendency to stick to the filthy underbelly of writing, always having to include horrible main characters and trying to make the reader feel for them. I have much to learn. Maybe I should try my hand at romance… of course then someone would have to die a terrifying death…

Anyways, down to the actual review.

Okay, so I feel like an idiot, but yes, I had to check my dictionary for the word ‘harangue’. It’s as foreign to me as a healthy meal. What I found is that it means to give a loud, passionate speech. So based off of the dictionary this word feels misplaced to describe the sound a helmet would make hitting the ground, but I also have never EVER seen it used before in a sentence, so you should get back to me on that one and fill me in, because dictionaries can be filthy liars sometimes.

Page 3: ‘..reek of agony…’
I feel as though something more along the lines of ‘…torment of agony…’ would work better. I don’t know, to me, reek just didn’t seem to fit.

Page 4: ‘She wanted to be that well for him, a place of stillness in which he could probe for hope, where he could become lathered inside her desire to understand him and her need to know him.’
Good visualization on more than one level. There is what’s on the surface, her desire to be his rock, his bastion of hope and comfort, and then of course the sexual connotations that speak for themselves. I really like how this sentence works in more ways than one; like how “knowing him” can mean literally getting to know him as a person and also to “know” someone in the olden days meant sex.

I had a little trouble deciding whether her sudden interest in the man was tangible. It seems as though he walked in and she was immediately in love and wanted to jump his bones right then and there, but we were given no reason for this. But, then I decided there didn’t need to be one. Many stories have been based around what has been called “love at first sight”. Hell, Romeo and Juliet is a perfect example of this. They killed themselves after only being together for like what, a week? It’s like the paradigm of emo literature. For this story, I think the legend itself stands as enough reason for her to want to “know” him, not to mention the looming death he faces at the next battle. She had heard so many stories making him out to be a legend, upon realizing that he is Just a Man… I don’t know, it is enough for me to see it as believable, but you’re probably going to be getting a lot of feedback saying they want more background as to why she desires him so much.

Ah, metaphors once again are the subject. This time the stripping of his physical armor as compared to the emotional armor. She helps shed him of his shell, in turn allowing him to speak freely – think this would be so much stronger if his voice changed. While wearing the armor, have him speak like the warrior he is, violent and monotonous maybe, and then as she strips him of each piece of armor, have his tone slowly become more and more compassionate. I felt a sense of this already, but making it more obvious would do wonders.

Nick, good story. It really does amaze me that people are able to write outside their comfort zone and take on multiple genres, and do so with such talent. Although this story is nowhere near my interest areas, both romance and fantasy tend to turn me away, you made it about the characters rather than the genre. Good stuff, man.

Now, go write about death and destruction like a normal human being. read

It's the end of the world as we know it...

A review of A Dark Place

by Horace Jacobi on 02/24/2011

A Dark Place starts off well, short sentences that set an edgy feel for the rest of the story. A sense of matter-of-fact urgency about it. In the same vein as myself, the minimalistic-esque feel. As I continued to read I noticed some issues with sentence structure that could use a little reworking. I would normally take note of these but I found quite a number of them and... A Dark Place starts off well, short sentences that set an edgy feel for the rest of the story. A sense of matter-of-fact urgency about it. In the same vein as myself, the minimalistic-esque feel. As I continued to read I noticed some issues with sentence structure that could use a little reworking. I would normally take note of these but I found quite a number of them and didn’t want to come off sounding like an editor, but rather try to help with the story itself, plot and such, rather the grammar and the likes, which are best handled by the writer. One of the most important things to remember while writing is rewriting. Continuously go over your work, you’ll ALWAYS catch something that could be changed. Sometimes it’s even a good idea to go into looking over your piece under different emotional settings. Positive, negative, sad or mad, each emotion or state of mind can offer a new insightful eye to how your story should flow. Also, something to keep in mind, be careful while writing under the first person. It can be used very well and very poorly, how it is used is up to the author, of course. Something I read of Chuck Palahniuk’s once was, try not to introduce the “I” too early in the story. If you can, hide it until a few pages in with words like “me”, because it can set a certain tone for the reader. Of course, this is not always the case, but it is something to think about.

This feels very much like an outline to a story. Rather than describing things, people, places, you just cut from place to place. It feels hurried. There is a distinct feeling that this was rushed together and posted without giving it a rewrite at all. Also, repeating words, phrases and sentences can be a very powerful writing tool. It emphasizes important themes within the story. However, here, you seem to use it very immaturely and without insight. The same things, dark and death, are repeated without any sign of symbolism or thought. The dialogue lacks character. A good way of writing dialogue is to speak it aloud. This can do wonders, as what we hear in our head is not how we hear it in our head.

Because of how it felt, like this was merely an outline for a story, I figured I would check the production notes and saw that you wrote this in under two hours, so the structure of the story makes sense. Next time, I would suggest (and I’m not trying to be rude) looking over your story a few more times before submitting. You will catch a lot of problems yourself while doing this, so that way when you have a stronger piece you can get some aid on what you really need help with from outside sources (Trigger Street members). Otherwise it can be somewhat of a waste.

You seem to have a good IDEA as to what this story should entail, but the overall writing needs a lot of looking over. Remember, writing involves a lot of rewriting. In fact, you will do more rewriting of your work that any actual writing.

With more description of the overall horrendous situation they find themselves in and a little subtlety this story could be excellent. I had a feeling that it was in fact the main character, David, who was dead. I was surprised to find out it was actually his wife, but it does indeed make more sense this way. I love apocalyptic settings, it allows so much freedom for the writer with descriptions of their surroundings to the reason the world is in ruins. This freedom can be overwhelming for some and liberating for others. I would love to read this once it has been worked over a couple times. Give it a heart, because as of now I don’t feel emotionally connected to any of the characters. Give them each their own personality and voice.

Another thing I like to do is play on names. Not always, obviously, and not most do nor is it in anyway going to make a piece better in the overall grand scheme of things, but with dealing with this kind of “hellish” setting for the story, I think it would allow you, the writer, to give these names some real personality. When I do this, I like to look at mythological figures that have a similar essence. The Matrix is an excellent example of this. Neo means new, Morpheus is the god of dreams and Nebuchadnezzar (their ship) is from Greek mythology (if I remember correctly, I could be wrong – on fact, I probably am) means “Nebu (some god), protect my first born son (meaning humans in the case of The Matrix). I don’t know, I always like playing around with names.

All in all, though, good start. Now just needs some major tweaking and you will have yourself a good piece of fiction my friend. read

River of Styx

A review of Rivers

by Horace Jacobi on 02/22/2011

I feel compelled to note that your beginning paragraph flows very nicely. It is written well, smooth and consistent, drawing the reader into the story. I’m delighted to find this was not only the nature of the first paragraph but throughout. The descriptions are flawless and do not lose pace. They very nicely describe what is only needed rather than going into long drawn... read

The Life of Riley

A review of Living The Life of Riley

by Horace Jacobi on 02/22/2011

I’ll be taking note of things as I read and then conclude with an overall thought of your piece. I try not to focus on grammar and punctuation, but if I find something that slows the pace of reading I’ll probably take note of it. I will be trying to give more thoughts on characters and story, structure, the important things. Spelling and grammar can probably be handled by... I’ll be taking note of things as I read and then conclude with an overall thought of your piece. I try not to focus on grammar and punctuation, but if I find something that slows the pace of reading I’ll probably take note of it. I will be trying to give more thoughts on characters and story, structure, the important things. Spelling and grammar can probably be handled by the writer (you).

Page 1: “me”
I think you mean “be”. I know I said I wouldn’t point out spelling… oh, well.

Page 1: “They got ready for the big day, hopped in the car and took off, Riley babbling excitedly as they
drove, about getting to see the monkeys, they were always so funny to watch.”
You may want to look into breaking this up into two separate, maybe even more, sentences. It feels (to me) like one long run-on.

Page 2: “Riley laughed despite himself as they pulled into Jack’s driveway, where his dad’s friend was
sitting on the porch with a beer and a guitar.”
I don’t see what “despite himself” is doing in this sentence, it works perfectly fine without it and makes no sense with it.

Okay, so I did more spelling/grammatical stuff than I planned. As far as story goes, you have a decent first draft. The ending tied in very nicely with the beginning. I started to get lost halfway through, not from bad sentence structure but because I felt that there was so much material to work with that the writer left unattended. Feelings that could have been described, actions needed fleshing out. It all seemed so passé.

I did like this description:
Page 4: “Riley almost imperceptibly squeezed closer to the door, as far away from his father’s grasp as possible…”
I liked this because it showed, rather than told. “Imperceptibly” feels misplaced here. It doesn’t fit with the rest of your story and almost gives off that thesaurus-feel. I don’t mean to offend, that’s just what I (and many other readers) will think when they see it. Compared to the rest of the story, it just doesn’t fit.

Try to dig deeper into these characters. Flesh them out. Take on their persona, feel what they feel. Put yourself in their position. You need to paint a picture so vivid in your readers mind that they can’t look away. Also, the beginning should have a hook. Something interesting that makes the reader WANT to keep reading. Something that will hook their attention. Give them a taste so they have to read through to the end to get the full meal.

Also, I don’t know how many different authors you have read, but you should try a varied number of styles. I don’t mean to come off as presumptuous, but every writer needs a voice. For some it takes quite awhile to find that voice. But reader authors who have unique voices can help develop your own. Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club) has a minimalistic (short, punchy sentences) and transgressive (normal, everyday people who feel constrained by society and try to break free in obscene ways) approach. Whereas Cormac McCarthy (The Road) follows more along the traditional path; nice descriptions, strong character development and the usual. Try different authors and see what style works for you. Or take a little from each and make it your own.

I’m not trying to preach, just share what I have learned from my minimal experience. read

Twelve Questions

A review of Twelve Twelve Twelve

by Horace Jacobi on 02/20/2011

I would like to note, as this is the first time reviewing one of your stories, that I like to jot things down as I read, so keep in mind that these are pertaining to what I have read up to that point. I like the title and your style of writing, sort of minimalistic. I try to not focus on grammar and punctuation so much, I figure that’s something the writer can handle on their... I would like to note, as this is the first time reviewing one of your stories, that I like to jot things down as I read, so keep in mind that these are pertaining to what I have read up to that point. I like the title and your style of writing, sort of minimalistic. I try to not focus on grammar and punctuation so much, I figure that’s something the writer can handle on their own, but every so often if a sentence slows down the pace or just doesn’t “fit” (to me only, of course, not trying to ruin your work) I’ll point it out. Not trying to change your piece, merely note that which comes to mind while reading.

Page 1: “Light filtered in from pin prick sized holes in the garbage bags that covered the windows and shut out most of the light.”
To me, the “…and shut out most of the light.” Part feels a little redundant. I don’t know, it seems to me like that is already pointed out from what comes before.

So far I like how the story is going. Very interesting and engaging, draws the reader in and makes them WANT to continue and figure out what is happening. And I like how you show the characters problems rather than tell. Instead of saying Julia has OCD you describe her running, having to touch each pile and if she misses one she has to start over. It’s obvious you know what you’re doing and I feel as though I have very little to offer in making your story better. It reads like a final draft, honestly.

You really described everything to a tee. You make the reader feel Julia’s pain and torture, her constant fear. I kept expecting a psychological twist. Often times when you have a character with disorders there’s always some kind of “he doesn’t really exist” thing going on, so I was surprised when he turned out to be real. I have to be honest it felt like it ended way too soon. Your writing is superb, the character is flawless and you really know how to add subtext and meat to your story, my only problem is the end. I am wondering if this is completely finished or if you planned on writing more? Or if it’s part of an anthology maybe?

It left me with questions. I would love to hear back from you in regards to your direction with the end. But otherwise I absolutely loved it. Your voice is clear and enjoyable to read. I’m sure I’ll see one of your pieces on a bookshelf at some point. read

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