iceeis

by iceeis on 10/21/2010

I read an earlier version of this script a few months ago. It is certainly much improved from that draft. A lot of the situations seem a bit more natural, and you’re doing a better job of explaining why Aaron continues to cross-dress. That said, I still have a few concerns, many of which I mentioned in my previous review. The premise is good for a romantic comedy. Sure, there... I read an earlier version of this script a few months ago. It is certainly much improved from that draft. A lot of the situations seem a bit more natural, and you’re doing a better job of explaining why Aaron continues to cross-dress. That said, I still have a few concerns, many of which I mentioned in my previous review.

The premise is good for a romantic comedy. Sure, there has been cross dressing movies before, but this one tries to use the premise as a positive goal of understanding women, not to fool others.

Dialogue was good as well. There are still a few long winded speeches, but it’s been toned down from the previous version.

The story tended to, er, drag, in the middle. I found the numerous scenes in the ladies clothing store kind of boring. I’d like to see more creative/visual ways for Aaron/Erin to discover things about women instead of spending the whole time chatting with them. Things like Candy hooking up with Shane. You showed Shane being a jerk and Candy falling for him. I think the other reason was 120 pages is too long for a comedy.

I did enjoy the ending more. I don’t think the final Aaron/Megan confrontation is as powerful/explosive as it needs to be, but I was satisfied with Aaron hitting it off with Tracy at the end.

Most of the concerns I had were the same as the last version:

We need to see Aaron more as himself in the beginning and ease into “Erin”. Then as the story progresses, we see more of Erin and less of Aaron. You need to do this because it sets up the differences between the two, and thus comedy ensues. In my opinion, Aaron spends way too much time as Erin, and honestly doesn’t seem to act any different while disguised as her.

I still don’t see a compelling reason for Aaron to cross dress in the first place. He already seemed kind of effeminate to begin with, and already had the “best friend” symptom. He already was a confidant with girls, it didn’t seem like he needed to disguise himself to hear the same confessions. Basically, he was the same guy, just with a wig. Most of the information he obtained was stuff he could have easily observed on his own.

I didn’t like the Cole sub-plot. Cole was basically Aaron. It made no sense for Aaron to be trying to raise Cole’s confidence and try to reward him for being nice to women when Aaron himself hadn’t cracked the code yet. Basically it was the blind leading the blind… If you insist on keeping him, find a better way for Aaron to help him out.

It seemed like everyone that found out about Aaron/Erin seemed to take it rather well. I can’t believe Shane didn’t freak out, let alone allow his friend to continue his date with Erin.

Finally, as before, I had a tough time figuring out if Aaron was being/speaking as Erin. I still suggest you use the slug “AARON” when he is a man and “ERIN” while as a woman.

All in all, you are moving the right direction. I see significant improvement in this script, so the hard work is beginning to pay off.
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This could... go... all... the... way!

A review of The Rivalry

by iceeis on 08/04/2010

I was actually assigned the first draft of The Rivalry, but didn't get to it before it was deleted, so I was happy to get the second draft. It was a good read, and has potential to be a good traditional light hearted RomCom. One of the reasons I was interested was I am a huge Football fan. Unfortunately I mostly watch NFL, but I do keep track of College Football and go to... read

Would you kindly… review this script?

A review of People Who Love People

by iceeis on 06/21/2010

Wow, I really don’t know how to review this. Part of me is fascinated by this script, the other half is utterly confused. I loved the setting. It reminded me of the city of Rapture from the Bioshock games. A unique society slowly driven mad by the same thing that makes them unique. More importantly, the concept of the purple gas and the people choosing to live there made... Wow, I really don’t know how to review this. Part of me is fascinated by this script, the other half is utterly confused.

I loved the setting. It reminded me of the city of Rapture from the Bioshock games. A unique society slowly driven mad by the same thing that makes them unique. More importantly, the concept of the purple gas and the people choosing to live there made some of the craziness of the story less, er, crazy.

You are a good writer and extremely imaginative. I felt you had full control through this house of mirrors, which was good thing. Dialogue was well done. Made it feel like a 50’s noir-ish film.

I loved the various scenarios about the theory of who placed the gas in the first place, each ending with “Fire”.

One thing that must be done: Formatting. I was very confused as this script seemed to move effortlessly back in forth between reality, flashbacks, and (maybe) fantasy. I was unsure when Rodger and Will were seemingly dead, yet still talking, if they were really still alive, or were figments of Jules (or someone else’s) imagination. Later it’s revealed that Rodger isn’t dead (I think), but then I wonder how he could have sustained all that damage, and yet not be dead.

Again, the way Orange Island was presented made the story more believable. I slowly settled into the way everything worked in the story. One thing I didn’t understand was if it was so easy to kill someone by souplining them, why even go through the elaborate scheme to set up the suspects? Why didn’t Updike’s people just toss Rodger outside? Or better yet, gas him in his own home to make the yellow gas seem ineffective, thus accomplishing their goal?

The ending, while funny and unexpected pushed this script (which already walked a fine line of the absurd) over the edge. I would have bought the rabbit conspiracy, but the double conspiracy with Casabianca (and his masks) and final confrontation between a suddenly alive Rodger and Jules would have been well past the point when the General in Monty Python would have ended the movie for being “too silly”. Maybe if you moved Updike’s reveal until after Rodger is dead (again). I just feel you had control of the madness that was your script until the end where it quit being clever, and just became weird.

Anyway, critiquing this and offering story suggestions is like trying to make a Picasso look like a Norma Rockwell. It’s not what you intended and it would ruin the insanely fascinating script I had the pleasure of reading. Work on the ending and someone may take a chance on this. read

I tell you this now, so you will know...

A review of The Rescue of Sarah Madigan

by iceeis on 06/14/2010

It has been a very long time since I read a western, so I decided to give Sara Madigan a try. It was an entertaining screenplay, and fairly well written. I was able to follow everything, and it flowed well. I enjoyed the fact that the writer intended to tell a story and not a history lesson (which is one of the reasons it's been a while since I read a Western). I do have to... It has been a very long time since I read a western, so I decided to give Sara Madigan a try.

It was an entertaining screenplay, and fairly well written. I was able to follow everything, and it flowed well. I enjoyed the fact that the writer intended to tell a story and not a history lesson (which is one of the reasons it's been a while since I read a Western). I do have to point out a pet peeve of mine. Write in an active voice. Don't write "Johnny is walking...", write "Johnny walks".

The dialogue read a little stiff for my tastes. The townsfolk, Sarah, and Johnny were fine, but the villains sounded like they were European or something, and it just didn't seem to read right. Nemesio had a unique way of speaking, I'll give you that, but I felt he spoke a little too much, and seemed to describe every little thing he was doing/thinking. Kind of reminded me of a Bond villain. I enjoyed his catchphrase ("I tell you this now, so you will know.") but it was used so often, it wore out its welcome.

The story was an average typical western, which was both a good and bad thing. It was good because you made it work out well. It was bad because it was, well, average. Nothing to really make it stand out from the oodles of Westerns before it. I know it wasn't you intention, but this could made a fairly good comedy. The tone was fairly light, until near the end with repeated raping of Sara.

Structurally, I'd suggest you open the screenplay with Nemesio's pillaging of Roseville. That way, when Johnny comes rushing in with the telegram of Nemesio, we already know what a dangerous man he is.

I didn't understand why the whole town seemed to go on their daily lives despite Nemesio and his gang being in town.

The ending felt kind of rushed, and didn't feel Nemesio's return was really necessary.

I saved my biggest concern for last, the characters and the way they behaved.
Nemesio was probably the best of the bunch. I loved his obsession about teeth. Sara seemed a little too passive, especially for today's audiences. I don't understand how Sylvia was such a dominant woman, yet completely went off the deep end when Sara was kidnapped. Seemed really out of character.
I understand how the town folk were scared to fight and all, but I would have liked to see at least one person help out poor Johnny in some way (food, etc). It would help out with the weak scenes (that could easily be cut) when he is arrested in Clarksville.
Finally, poor Johnny. I had a real tough time rooting for him. He reminded me of that annoying kid who puts everyone in danger when he runs back into the burning building to save his dog, or the kid who thinks he's a superhero because he reads comic books. I want to see a glimpse of competence in the guy before you have him ride off in the sunset to get his girl back. Show us some hidden talent that might help him on his quest. I get that he's supposed to be the underdog, but just being one guy against many makes him an underdog. You don't have to make him completely useless until he gets saved by Igasho.

Anyway, like I said this was nonetheless an entertaining read. Work on setting this apart from the rest of the pack. Good luck! read

Still a ways to go...

A review of It's a Long Way to Tipperary (rv 4)

by iceeis on 05/30/2010

The premise of It’s a Long Way to Tipperary caught my attention and made this a must read on my list. After reading it, well, this may sting a bit. The obvious strength of Tipperary is the premise. A jewish man buried in an Irish Christian cemetery comes to life and wants to be buried in his plot in Tipperary, Iowa. Further complicating matters is a mysterious Daughter and... The premise of It’s a Long Way to Tipperary caught my attention and made this a must read on my list. After reading it, well, this may sting a bit.

The obvious strength of Tipperary is the premise. A jewish man buried in an Irish Christian cemetery comes to life and wants to be buried in his plot in Tipperary, Iowa. Further complicating matters is a mysterious Daughter and a conspiracy by his wife and former business partner.

The writing is technically proficient. The strong point being your action lines. I had very little difficulty “seeing” what was going on. It’s clean and efficient, just the way I like it.

The story, characters, humor and dialogue were all lackluster and average, however. Not terrible, but not outstanding either. I’ll hit on story last, because that is my biggest concern of this script.

The majority of the characters were fairly plain and ordinary. They didn’t have many identifiable traits or quirks that made them unique. You set up Paddy’s situation well with his uncaring wife, but unfortunately this gets completely abandoned. Father Patrick was probably the most unique. I enjoyed the irony of a kleptomaniac man of God. Sean was completely unnecessary and I’d recommend he be cut. Maria arrived too late in the story to have much development. I never got a feel for Arthur, much less saw any reason to root for him to succeed, with the exception of near the end where he went through extraordinary lengths to save everyone.

I know Humor is subjective, but I didn’t find this script very humorous (and this is coming from a person with a very broad range of what he finds funny). Honestly most of the one liners were something I’d hear from a Disney Chanel sitcom (“It won’t cost you and arm and a leg”), and many jokes were so forced, entire scenes were created just to try to make them work (Irish Spring). I’m only mentioning this because I feel this is something you should target and work on developing as a screenwriter.

The dialogue was very dry and on the nose. For example, Father Patrick bluntly tells Paddy that Arthur needs to touch him in order to stay “alive”. Not only do we wonder how he knows this, this could easily be shown. In fact, this is prime comedy territory where you could humorously show Paddy turning Arthur on and off, not realizing it’s his own touch doing it.

Finally, I had two major issues with the story. First is why Paddy helps Arthur. Currently it’s initially because Arthur threatens to kill Paddy if he doesn’t. This left a bad taste in my (and presumably the audience's) mouth and immediately made me dislike Arthur. I didn’t want him to succeed in his task simply because he was doing it by force. This also misses on a major story potential. By forcing Arthur to be bonded to Paddy, this immediately becomes a Buddy Comedy. Arthur needs Paddy’s help, and is dependent on him. He needs to get Paddy to do it willingly, either by sympathy or promise of reward. They’re gonna be stuck with each other for a while, they may as well learn something about one and another. Unfortunately, I didn’t see that in this screenplay. Arthur mainly barked orders to Paddy, and only poor Paddy’s heart of gold kept him committed to the task.

Second issue is “the rules”. When you create a fantasy story, you must establish a consistent set of rules to make whatever you created appear like to could operate in the “real world” and not seem contrived and changed by the writer whenever they need it to suit the story. Arthur’s reanimation was rife with inconsistencies. I was fine with no explanation of how he came back to life in the first place (an honestly think it works best if you don’t explain it). I did want to know why he bonded with Paddy, and why after it was a established that he had to maintain contact with Paddy, simply touching Paddy’s jacket animated Arthur several times.

Another inconsistency with Arthur was everyone’s reaction to him. Some didn’t mind he was a talking, decaying corpse, other fainted at the sight of him. I think the scene that best describes this is on P88 where the paramedics are giving oxygen and chest compressions to an apparently dead Arthur, then are shocked when he come to life. If they thought he was dead, why were they giving him oxygen?

Finally, it was apparent Arthur couldn’t move his legs, however seemed to crawl rather quickly when he needed to, and even somehow drove an ambulance without legs. One suggestion that may help fix some of these problems is to allow Arthur full mobility, but have to remain in contact with Paddy to be animated. That would be a lot more realistic than having him hang on to Paddy, and could sill provide some humorous situations where they have to keep contact with each other.

Sorry if this feels like an overtly negative review. Like I said before, I really like the premise, and you can obviously write. I wouldn’t have gone through the effort of this review if I didn’t think this script had potential. I just think it needs a lot more work before it’s ready. read

I bought it on eRay!

A review of eRay - 2nd draft

by iceeis on 05/14/2010

I really enjoyed eRay. It was a modern twist to a fairly standard Rom Com. The humor was good, and you did an excellent job of back and forth dialogue between characters. Ray was likable without being pathetic. His eventual pairing with Langley was obvious, but aren't all RomComs predictable? I liked the love er, square between Ray, Jill, Abby, and Langley. I enjoyed... read

Hudson Hawk 2: Hunka burnin' Bubb

A review of Chasing Elvis

by iceeis on 04/14/2010

I don't know why, but Chasing Elvis reminds me a lot of the movie Hudson Hawk. Fortunately, I was one of the 27 people who liked Hudson Hawk... This was a very fun script. It had the completely absurd combination of Elvis and the Vatican, but somehow you made it work. I realized very early in this script that you were going for crazy, so I rolled with it. I fell in love with... I don't know why, but Chasing Elvis reminds me a lot of the movie Hudson Hawk. Fortunately, I was one of the 27 people who liked Hudson Hawk...

This was a very fun script. It had the completely absurd combination of Elvis and the Vatican, but somehow you made it work. I realized very early in this script that you were going for crazy, so I rolled with it. I fell in love with the script at the beginning, but the feeling began to fade after about page 30. Not that I hated it, but it didn't seem quite as good as the excellent beginning for both story and dialogue. You pulled it through in the end but I think the focus of any rewrites will have to be the middle.

One of my concerns was with the whole Elvis competition in the first place. It just seems too under the radar for the biblical magnitude it represented. Also, this is one of the things that ground the story to a crawl. Once they hit Vegas it seemed like we were just killing time until the main event. Like there wasn't much purpose to getting there so early. It would have made more sense to keep Preston at the Vatican to protect him from Bubb. Your several mentions of Simon Cowell made me think that maybe if you made the competition something like "American Idol" ( sorry, I don't remember what the British version is called) and Preston had to climb his way to the finals, which happened to showcase Elvis songs, it may work better for both the church's goals and Preston's personal goal of becoming a singer.

The other concern was the Elvis theme seemed to take a back seat to a more biblical theme with all the talk about religion being man's invention, and philosophical discussions about the church and God. You need to find some way to keep Elvis in the mix. We get an awesome payoff when Preston meets him near the end, but I almost forgot that the script was about Elvis and not religion.

Dialogue was excellent, particularly the first and last thirds of the screenplay. I noticed it didn't seem as clever during the middle for some reason, but maybe that was because I was losing interest in the story.

The characters were great as well.

I don't want this to sound like I didn't enjoy Chasing Elvis. This is very good as is. I just don't want the weak 2nd act to be the one thing preventing this being made. Good luck and thanks for the read! read

Blue review

A review of Beyond the Blue

by iceeis on 04/11/2010

The story has potential, but at the moment, it's not quite there. The biggest concern is the main story, Carl and marie's romance. We spend a large portion of the script following this, and really nothing else. Then BAM, Marie dies. I understand she was fulfilling her "destiny" but I felt like I had almost wasted my time invested in the story. The real story turned out to be... The story has potential, but at the moment, it's not quite there. The biggest concern is the main story, Carl and marie's romance. We spend a large portion of the script following this, and really nothing else. Then BAM, Marie dies. I understand she was fulfilling her "destiny" but I felt like I had almost wasted my time invested in the story. The real story turned out to be about Ann and Carl... Which brings me to my second concern.

Ann is introduced to us almost the same time as Marie. At first I wondered if they were going to be competing for him, but then Ann disappeared for most of the script, then suddenly reappeared right before Marie died. I'm thinking you intended the purpose of Marie was to get Carl with Ann, but it wound up working the opposite. It doesn't work because Carl already met Ann before marie. If they are supposed to be together, then why are we investing so much time in Marie? We need to see more of Ann so she doesn't seem like a consolation prize.

Finally, Carl needs some other goal to be working towards so he is doing something other than romance Marie the whole screenplay. You have a good start with the astronomy club, but it doesn't show up until later in the script, and its only purpose is to bring Ann back in the fold.

One piece of writing advice... Always write in an active voice (and this applies to most things written, not just screenplays). Instead of "Carl is sitting on a blanket", write "Carl sits on a blanket".

Dialogue was pretty good. I chuckled at a few of the one liners. You need to work on trimming your dialogue, though. The characters seemed to spend a lot of time getting to the point of their conversations. Try to get through each line with as little words as possible. You may lose a few clever lines, but It helps the conversation sound more natural. If you cut it down some, I think you can build on what i believe is the strength of this script.

I also noticed a common problem I see with a lot of comedies here. Nearly Every character speaks with sarcasm. This makes everyone sound the same. It also dulls the comedy in the dialogue. If everyone is cracking jokes, it makes the audience become conditioned to it. This works in sitcoms, but movies are 3 to 4 times as long.

In comedy, don't forget the rule of 3. One, joke. Two, repeat the joke. Three, repeats the joke, but with a twist. I notice you had a tendency of overplaying jokes, thus muting the impact when you got around to the punchline. For example, on page 61 you should cut the third Harry potter reference, then go with the Sign. Also, the astronomy/astrology joke was used way too much. By the time we got to Carl's first club meeting it lost its punch.

I found it odd that Marie wasn't supporting Carl at his first astronomy club meeting. I also found it odd that Ann didn't have e telescope considering she was the one who introduced Carl to astronomy.

Anyway, sorry if this sounds a bit on the negative, but I can see some potential. Other than the passive voice, you write fairly well. I'm guessing this is your first screenplay, and if so it's not a bad first script. Keep writing and learning.
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Parade review

A review of Parade at the End of the World

by iceeis on 05/27/2009

I don't want to get into too many mechanical aspects of screenwriting (and this script has a lot of mechanics problems), but I feel I have to mention something about all the camera directions. They don't belong in spec scripts for the following reasons: 1. It's common knowledge that you don't. 2. It's very annoying to the reader 3. The director will chose how they want to... read

Still improving

A review of Stray (formerly Last Stop)

by iceeis on 01/30/2007

I've lost count of how many versions I've read of "Stray", but as always, each version improves upon the last. I don't know what more I can say for improvements (especially considering the impending Script Shark coverage is forthcoming). I can only re-iterate a couple things that I would do if this were my script. I would still like to see Jennifer's true character stay more... read

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