immaginativa

A review of Kissing Valentino

by immaginativa on 01/21/2008

I really enjoy reading romantic stories, but I felt pretty disappointed by this one. Your plot itself isn’t bad, and the dialogue sounds realistic enough in that it could plausibly come from the mouths of students of that age. But the screenplay suffers from a couple of overwhelming flaws. One is the very thin characterization that makes all your characters seem shallow and... read

Interesting premise but needs work

A review of The Doppelganger

by immaginativa on 12/28/2007

I received this as an assignment a few days ago, but since not all the screenplay was there, only the first 45 pages (the rest were blank), I decided it would be useless to try to pass an Eligibility test for it, and am posting my free will comments on what I was able to read. My major question so far: What does the main character (Roy) want? At times he's completely disinterested... I received this as an assignment a few days ago, but since not all the screenplay was there, only the first 45 pages (the rest were blank), I decided it would be useless to try to pass an Eligibility test for it, and am posting my free will comments on what I was able to read.

My major question so far: What does the main character (Roy) want? At times he's completely disinterested in the Dexter masquerade, at others he's all for it. I don't feel he ever made a definite decision to do it, with a strong motive for doing so. Strong dramatic characters have to have motives and Roy seems mostly passive. His little speech on p. 42 is great, but should come much earlier as a motive for his actions. He does decide to accept the "job" as Dexter's double out of necessity, and this is a plausible motive for doing so, but still you haven't set up a strong desire or goal of any kind for the character.

Instead of telling us that Roy's friends "look like" computer nerds (p. 1), have them engage in some computer nerd conversation. Not too much is revealed about character in the dialogue, other than them baldly stating someone is a writer, a photographer or a computer guy.

The opening was not very visually exciting. Why not have something in the opening that definitely contrasts the two characters who are going to face off: have the material about Dexter's tabloid troubles and the question about what's next for him, followed immediately by us meeting Roy and having the girls mistake him for Dexter. Then actually dramatize the moment that makes him want to quit acting rather than just having him refer to it later.

There is too much talking ABOUT things that are happening rather than showing them. Why don't we see the girls mistake Roy for Dexter? Why don't we have the boys have a conversation with Marcy in which her particular talents are revealed instead of just hearing about them?

p. 1 Close-in-view . . . . are seated – delete "are"
p. 3 Screenplay titles are funny!
p. 7. Dexter won Golden Globe and they don't know who he is?
p. 11 – he bares an unpleasant expression on his face? – the word is spelled "bears" but I think the word you actually want is "wears."
p. 12 – recorded should be recorder
p. 13 – WALLY: I'll take that as a yes. Shouldn't it read LOU?
p. 13 – music starts playing – is this a music montage or do they just have a boom box on in the room? If it's a montage, I think you should describe it more clearly as such.
p. 21 llok like they came – should be look
p. 24 – Coincidence or publicity stunt – neat bit of satire.
p. 40 – you're estranged twin brother – should be "your"
p. 45 "the deal if off" should be "is"

I think the satirical aspects of the screenplay are promising, but you need to think out your story and characters more thoroughly.

Good luck! read

Needs to shine a little more

A review of Sunshine Studios Presents R1

by immaginativa on 05/29/2006

This was a really cute story and had some very funny bits (I loved the Woody Allen Mini-Me!). I totally bought the Mattie and Jayne, who were unique characters, and their relationship with each other and their mom. The psycho-psychic scene with the neighbor girl was also very funny. Then it paid off later, which is even better! However, this has a ways to go before it becoes... read

Riveting Story, only needs a few fixes.

A review of 3400 Miles

by immaginativa on 03/20/2006

This script is great! I don't think I can improve at all on your story -- it has the potential to be a real crowd-pleaser! Underdogs fighting for dignity during the Depression, many colorful characters, and high stakes - it was riveting from start to finish, and an exciting page-turner near the end. The character arcs, particularly for Cooper, are strong. I was so caught up... read

Potential for fine family fun

A review of CORY'S HERO

by immaginativa on 01/24/2006

I enjoyed reading this screenplay -- the characters of the family were all interesting and well-developed, and the humor between them was often very charming. It could potentially make a good family film. It was also a relatively painless read, because the writing was good, and amazingly enough, I didnt notice a single grammatical or spelling mistake - this is a first for... I enjoyed reading this screenplay -- the characters of the family were all interesting and well-developed, and the humor between them was often very charming. It could potentially make a good family film. It was also a relatively painless read, because the writing was good, and amazingly enough, I didnt notice a single grammatical or spelling mistake - this is a first for me on TS! The action lines were clear and vivid, and the dialogue was bright and often funny.

The main problem I see with the script is certain aspects of the story. First, I had diffiulty in feeling what the stakes were for Nick, the main character. If his dramatic need is to be a hero to his children, this is never stressed very strongly - I seem to remeber only one line being devoted to it. He has a great relationship with his wife and kids, and they seem to think him pretty terrific as he is, so needing to be a hero never seems to be much of an issue for him. Then there is his relationship wtih J.J., his former classmate, and the fact that Nick feels responsible for the accident that crippled J. J. But it's relatively late in the story before we understand all this, so it isn't much of a motive for the audience to root for Nick to foil the assasination attempt against J.J., because we're not aware of why he's doing so. These motivations need to be very clear to the audience from early on. In particular, the conversation between Nick and J. J. after not seeing each other for so long, is full of dramtic possibilites, but they go unrealized, because at this point the audience is unware of the accident (except for the beginning flashback, which they audience may or may not connect to J.J.) and Nick's role in it. Also, we don't get enough insight into why Nick is unhappy as he is - does he truly hate his mailman job and miss his potential life as a police officer; does he have a strong urge to defend and protect people - or is he just bored? I think there would be tremendous comic potential in having Nick, for instance, be so gung-ho on the serving and protecting he missed out on, and always be trying to but in a rescue people. Everyone is tired of it by now - so when he begins to insist that John is dangerious, and people laugh it him, it would seem like there's more of a reason for it.

In particular, I would advise agains starting the story with those flashbacks to the accident and to Nick's aborted police career. The scenes aren't long enough for us to be aware of what's actually going on - why is there an ambulance at school - who was hurt? - what does Nick have to do with it?, etc. As a result, these flashbacks don't draw us into the story as they should.

I recently read an article in a screenwriting magazine where the author complained that this type of "flasbackitis" was leading to many scripts with weak openings - how can an audience get interested in the story when the first scene is a flashback, but we don't know whose life is involved in the flashback and what the significance is?

The flashbacks do work somewhat better later in the story - particularly as Nick flashes back to the accident that (presumably) causes his anxiety attacks as he is forced to face his fear of heights. But the audience should be made aware first in action or diialogue -- something else other than confusing flashbacks -- that Nick has this fears caused by the accident. Let us KNOW exactly how Nick feels about the accident to J. J. And what about J. J.? Does he blame Nick for the accident? Is that why they haven't seen each other for so long? Or is J. J. Ok with it, and is the guilt on self-blame all on Nick's part? Whatever you do, don't force us to guess -make things clear.

Once the audience knows the stakes, and what drives Nick the story will go from being simply so-so to really great.

I enjoyed much of your writing and humor, and I think the potential menace- violence level is OK for PG or PG-13. (You might want to re-consider that pool of blood J. J. is lying in). There was not very much slapstick for a Tim-Allen type film (for me, that was a mercy, because I'm not all that fond of slapstick, but you might want to consider whether there should be more of it for the particular audience you have in mind).

I liked the way you cut away from several scenes - such as not seeing Charlie actually drink the cofee, just knowing he's going to drink it and then seeing him out cold. Several scenes like this achieved a humorous effect. But I think you cut away much too soon from one scene - Sheila actually flirting with that police seargent! She is such a great character, that I was dying to see how she would do that!

Keep up the good work with this script -- I think it's a promising one. read

Wonderful Epic

A review of An Unnatural Soldier (Rev 4)

by immaginativa on 10/13/2005

This is a wonderful and beautifully written screeplay, beginning with the marvelous opening sequence, which gives us sorrow, mystery, a sense of the countryside, and sets up the characters. The story was engrossing, the battles well-described and the characters three-dimensional. The dialogue and even the humor were first-rate. The story was filled with great first-hand... This is a wonderful and beautifully written screeplay, beginning with the marvelous opening sequence, which gives us sorrow, mystery, a sense of the countryside, and sets up the characters. The story was engrossing, the battles well-described and the characters three-dimensional. The dialogue and even the humor were first-rate.

The story was filled with great first-hand details, like the soldiers pinning their names and place of death on their backs before going into battle. This must have taken a lot of research!

I can't think of many ways to improve the script, but I will mention a few things that some to mind.

I liked the fact that the relationship between Sarah and William was developed in a very low-key way (it could hardly be otherwise in their situation), but I missed a real, definite sense of the moment they fell in love. Perhaps that moment was when he wants to take her away from the fighting. Sarah's very practical and down-to-earth, but would that moment really have passed right by for her? She could react more, even non-verbally.

Along the same lines, I wondered throughout what Sarah's deepest feelings were about dressing as and for all practical purposes, being, a man. Does she regret in the end putting dresses back on, knowing more now about the freedoms men have for education, etc.? In a way, she's always known them, but I don't know if she was discontented with her womanhood at the end, or felt glad to return to it. Perhaps if there were some transitional scene of her putting on a woman's clothes for the first time since the war, something that would express her feelings. These would just be a few character details in an otherwise very well-written script.

Some minor details:

On p. 11: "Several knives are lined up on the stove, their blades glowing red-hot. Two half-finished supper plates sit beside them. They pick at the fried crow as the work." This would require "Sarah and Ethan pick" to be comprehensible." Otherwise it reads as if the plates or knives are picking at the food!

p. 63: It seems very odd to me that Ethan continues to talk, seemingly unconcerned, after he's been shot.

There are a great many place names and battle sights mentions, sometimes in rapid succession, as on p.97: Richmond, Amelia Spring's Sailor's Creek, etc. When major battle sights are spoken about in dialogue, this is OK, but I was wondering whether it might not be good to have some titles for some of the places onscreen. To be honest, they are rather intrusive, and tend to take you out of the story, but they may make the progress of the war more comprehensible.

Very good job! I can't wait to get in line to see this. read

Personal Tribute needs more universality

A review of Separate Dreams of a Brotherhood

by immaginativa on 09/25/2005

This is clearly a very personal story. It is well-written; the characters are distinct and interesting. The dialogue is believable. But I couldn't help wishing that it was enlivened by a little more actual drama. The best scenes involved Seth's storyline with his father: him standing up for his mother against Nick, the revelations of what Seth's father did to his football... This is clearly a very personal story. It is well-written; the characters are distinct and interesting. The dialogue is believable. But I couldn't help wishing that it was enlivened by a little more actual drama. The best scenes involved Seth's storyline with his father: him standing up for his mother against Nick, the revelations of what Seth's father did to his football chances, and Seth stopping Nick's suicide. But most of it was just the everyday details of people's lives. The thing that you want it to be about -- the relationship between blood brothers of different races -- isn't dramatic as written now, but you spend most of your time describing it.

This is hard to say, since clearly you've written it for personal reasons, but what makes it interesting to you may not be interesting to the widest possible audience. You might want to get away a bit from mere description of day-to-day things, and go more into the drama of those turbulent times of the 70's. Surely this must have affected Seth and Leonard's relationship in some way -- they never disagree, nothing ever comes between them. It's nice that their friendship is never broken, but reading about this continual agreement or seeing it onscreen will bore an audience after a while. Leonard's story as it is doesn't seem as dramatic or interesting as Seth's, so some disagreement between them or struggling to hold their friendship together during turbulent times would make it more interesting.

Many scenes are devoted to mere chitchat, introductions, etc. You devote some 6 pages to the boys' farewells to their families before going off to collge, but only a couple of lines to them having to have separate dorm rooms because of racial policies or to Leonard being asked to join the black student organization. Did their marijuana use in college ever affect them at all later? There was a good development in Seth's refusal to go to church or be baptized, but so little was made of it until the end that it was easy to forget it had every been there until it was suddenly resolved. More attention to these questions will give the story more universality, more of what everyone in America experienced druing those years.

You seem to be putting a great deal into the VO that it would be much better to dramatize, such as some of the above incidents. In fact, the VO often becomes intrusive. You might cut down on it a little to better effect.

I did find the ending moving, and particularly the photograph of the two young sons together. I think that if you work a little harder on adding more detail and drama, this will be a good solid story. Good luck! read

Hoping to be of service

A review of AT YOUR SERVICE

by immaginativa on 08/20/2005

First, I liked the concept for this script; I think a story about a child genius college professor will be fun for the whole family. The characters and their relationships are also great. Spike and his father were a great contrast to Winston and his supportive family. I liked the way Winston helped his friend. I also really loved the idea of the Egyptian knife, and I especially... First, I liked the concept for this script; I think a story about a child genius college professor will be fun for the whole family. The characters and their relationships are also great. Spike and his father were a great contrast to Winston and his supportive family. I liked the way Winston helped his friend. I also really loved the idea of the Egyptian knife, and I especially loved the imaginative way its story was played out in flashback with Winston and his friends in starring roles.

On the other hand, what really harms this script is the plot. The setup is lame -- it's hard to believe Winston would choose the words he does to describe his new invention. Plus being a genius, he would certainly have to know how it might possibly be misunderstood.

But the real problem is the lack of any suspense in the plot. Winston almost immediately confronts the villain face-to-face (something most films build up to gradually), but nothing comes of it. The villan's two goons are too ineffectual at anything they do for the audience to consider them a threat after the first few minutes. And what is the point of the mystic cabbie whose only purpose seems to be to show up and whisk the kids away every time they seem to be in danger? (Of course, in a family film you don't want the menace to be too severe, but there must be some suspense).

A plot like this needs a gradual increase in tension, but just when the suspense begins, the script always jumps back. When Winston is captured by the bad guys, you might consider letting him stay captured for a while, instead of letting him escape right away. That way, when Julie and Grandma come to rescue him, something will be at stake. As it is, the audience knows their errand is pointless.

Plus, the fact that there is no secret weapon means there is even less at stake. Winston might be in danger at times (not very much really until the very end), but he is not saving the world for everyone. On the other hand, if you had him come across a real weapon or deadly menace, and really used his genius to really save the world, that might really be something. I was sorry that the knife didn't play a larger part after its dramatic introduction. You might consider making that knife and its mystical properties the real threat to the world if it gets into the wrong hands.

As I said, I liked the characterization, but I was puzzled by the fact that Julie and Spike, while they are actually taking Winston's class, seem very much like ordinary kids, not really smart enough to be college students. (And three child geniuses in a single town seems a bit much). But if you're going to keep them geniuses, make sure that each has some specific area of genius that they can use in working together to defeat the bad guy.

I didn't find very much at all to criticize in the format, spelling, grammar etc. The first few pages were much too full of camera angles, but the description became much better after that. I did notice some typos: "fix you face" (p. 84), "your (instead of you're) perplexed" (p. 98). By the way, the script when I loaded it in Word came out to 134(!) pages, so I'm sure my page numbers are off. If you use search and replace, you can find the passages though.

I think with an overhaul, this could turn out to be a fine story. Good luck, and keep writing! read

Don't take the easy way out

A review of Between The Eisendraths (Draft 2)

by immaginativa on 07/31/2005

This script was really easy to read, with two really great female characters (that is so rare!). There were a lot of laugh-out-loud funny moments in this comic romp - I thought of "Terms of Endearment" meets "The Out-of-Towners." The escalating comic chaos really kept me glued to the script as I read along. I also really have to admire the imagination that came up with the... This script was really easy to read, with two really great female characters (that is so rare!). There were a lot of laugh-out-loud funny moments in this comic romp - I thought of "Terms of Endearment" meets "The Out-of-Towners." The escalating comic chaos really kept me glued to the script as I read along. I also really have to admire the imagination that came up with the name "Spitler." I really wanted to see some recognition of love between mother and daughter before the end, and it was satisfying to get it.

But I felt that this script also took the easy way out of the character conflict. Having someone get a serious or fatal illness seems like a cheap and easy way to do so. Of course Elizabeth will now reconcile with her mother! And she doesn't really have to struggle to do so. I really wanted a deeper exploration of their character differences finally exploding into the accusations that you wrote so well on pp. 66-68. The conflict could deal more with Elizabeth's rigid need for order in her life vs. Audrey's spontaneity. If you want to have an illness, make it something less drastic, say crippling arthritis, which makes Audrey worry that she can't continue her wild lifestyle. Introduce it a bit earlier. Then have the two characters deal with it. They are going to be tested by it. Audrey might have to consider settling down. Elizabeth might have to consider moving in with her to care for her. Perhaps Elizabeth's rigid schedules are really tiring not only her mother, but her boyfriend. Have them really deal with that rather than wrapping everything up so quickly and neatly after the big revelation. I think you are a really talented writer and capable of going much deeper. Of course the script will still be just as funny, but more real. And the illness won't seem so contrived -- and so much of a damper.

On the technical side, this was well-written, with proper spelling, grammar and formatting for the most part. (Though "euphomisms" is actually spelled "euphemisms.") The device of the VO was somewhat awkward, as it was used only at the beginning and never returned to. Also, some of it, such as the part on p. 3 beginning "I remember she took me to one of her book signings" is unnecessary, as it simply repeats what's said in the rest of the scene and the dialogue. You might want to either consider using the VO more consistently, or find some other device to get into the story.

This is a promising idea, which I think has a chance at commerical success if the story were improved. Good luck! read

You can make this even more involving - and funny

A review of The New Thirty

by immaginativa on 07/20/2005

Hi! I read and reviewed "The New Thirty" when it was up on the site in December. I gave it what I hope was a good review then - perhaps not appreciative enough, since I've read a couple dozen other scripts here since then and few of them have come up to yours! - at least in regard to skill in plot structure, humor and talent in general. I'm thrilled, but not really surprised,... Hi! I read and reviewed "The New Thirty" when it was up on the site in December. I gave it what I hope was a good review then - perhaps not appreciative enough, since I've read a couple dozen other scripts here since then and few of them have come up to yours! - at least in regard to skill in plot structure, humor and talent in general. I'm thrilled, but not really surprised, that it has received interest from a major prodco.

I took another look at the script, hoping that I could address the questions you raised. You don't seem to have changed it very much from what I remember. I did have some difficulty with the MIchael-Cheyenne relationship in my first review - nt necessarily because they slept together, but because Cheyenne's character was so thinly developed and shallow that I didn't know whether to care about her or not. I also thought less of Michael for falling for such a shallow person - it was totally physical on his part.

I've read some of the new reviews, and I agree with the one who suggested making it more of an ensemble piece, and developing Cheyenne to be more interesting and likeable. Also, consider making Michael's reaction to her not just a hormonal one, but one of him really coming to care for her as he mentors her. It certainly would make HIM look less shallow - and increase the emotional risk to his marriage.

I also think that maybe Evelyn is a little too perfect as she is. She really needs to have some issues with her marriage, even before Cheyenne comes along. In a way, it seems that her friendship with Conrad is a substitute for some of the closeness she and Michael don't have anymore. I think you should show that more. Since you never clearly resolved the question of whether Conrad is or isn't gay, maybe you could have Evelyn think he is gay and has no sexual interest in her - UNTIL they're on that vacation together, when he makes a pass - perhaps even confesses his love for her. Perhaps she's even tempted for a moment . . . why not get back at Michael? I'm sure she wouldn't, but this would give her a little more understanding of what temptation MIchael faced and more of a credible motive for eventually forgiving him.

I'm saying all this because I think that sometimes movie execs reading a script know there is something wrong, but don't know how to fix it, and may focus on the wrong thing. They want this script to be a comedy, but then that's at variance with the anger the audience will feel when Michael sleeps with Cheyenne. But if Michael is more likeable a character and his motives more mixed, the audience will feel for him more. In this circumstance, they might not feel so angry at him. Plus, you can still make it very funny as Michael first tries to avoid Cheyenne's come-ons, then starts to succumb, while having something really emotionally at stake for the characters . . . I have a feeling you are just the writer who can do that.

Now, if Cheyenne really fell for Michael while he was mentoring her, and he began to fall for her, even a kiss or coming close to actually sleeping together (even if you concede to the execs's wishes and they don't do it) would still provide plenty of drama and emotion for the audience -- and even humor as we see both characters' reactions - delighted, frightened, guilty.

Michael feeling emotion for Cheyenne would be in a way as much a betrayal of Evelyn as sleeping with her would be. It would also be a betrayal of the mentor relationship he should have been having with Cheyenne. Then she is emotionally devastated when he pulls away from the mentor relationship outof guilt, then she goes into an emotional tailspin, and everything she was working toward in her new direction in her career starts to fall apart. . . That way, you wouldn't lose the strong statement about midlife crises and marriage and responsibility you wanted to make in your story, whether the two characters actually sleep together or not.

You might say that this is awfully deep stuff for a comedy, but I've always believed there is a fine line between comedy and pain. Did you see "Sideways?" A very painful story about male mid-life crisis that was also hilarious. I think you are talented enough to aim that high.

Good luck and hang in there! read

TriggerStreet

Member Participation Level:

Recent Activity

Bio

Submissions by immaginativa

Reviews by immaginativa 55

Write a Comment

Submissions by immaginativa

Reviews by immaginativa 55

Write a Comment

Stay Connected!

Browse: