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A review of Liam and Theo (2nd draft)by Jackie Case on 12/01/2011Hi Tony, Something peeked my interest and I started reading a few lines, and before I knew it I had read the whole thing. I think your screenplay is the easiest read I have ever had on Triggerstreet. It’s just so clean, it’s almost like the non word screenplay. It packs a lot of punch for so little. Great work! You write about the mateship and friendship between Liam and... Hi Tony,
Something peeked my interest and I started reading a few lines, and before I knew it I had read the whole thing. I think your screenplay is the easiest read I have ever had on Triggerstreet. It’s just so clean, it’s almost like the non word screenplay. It packs a lot of punch for so little. Great work!
You write about the mateship and friendship between Liam and Theo in its purest and simplest fashion, but I would perhaps suggest that just like the war itself; which is complicated and complex, I’d try making their relationship more complex or at least the relationships around them more so. For example, Emma, she dislikes the dog because he is taking time away from Liam. Yes, maybe at first, but what if she likes the dog? Theo does something that wins her over. She’s clucky and wants children, so she forms a maternal relationship with Theo, but it’s distracting. She is over feeding him, or undermining the training. I don’t know, but make it harder for them both. The dog's confused, we are all confused, the war is confusing. They can still fight, but what if it’s about something less clichéd then the ‘spending too much time together.’ Just a thought.
I will also ask you this, how do you feel about this war? Because this is the one thing I think is missing here in this screenplay. I believe there are over 390 British soldiers killed to date, but what is your ‘voice’? I’ve read this, and I have no idea how you feel about it. The hurt locker was so powerful because we got to see the addictive nature of being a soldier. "The rush of battle is a potent and often lethal addiction, for war is a drug." This was the unique angle that Mark Boal wrote into his work. We saw how this was reflected in every scene of the film, until William James couldn’t even be with this own family and more horrifically, his own children! I mean how insane is that! Thought provoking and powerful. I know my thoughts on this war, but what are yours?
In Liam and Theo, we see how strong their bond was, but what do we really learn? Was it a waste? Was it a grand adventure (like world war I), was it revenge, proof of courage, what do you think? Once you have figured this out pepper your screenplay with these thoughts and you will have a truly amazing piece of writing.
Also, have you seen Armadillo? This is also a very powerful documentary I would also recommend.
You have a really solid screenplay here, and best of luck with it. Well done!
(My only other very small cristism, and maybe it’s different in the U.K but the bodies are returned home in Hercules, not Chinooks.)
Jackie read -
A review of A Tru Fairytaleby Jackie Case on 11/16/2011I really enjoyed reading your screenplay. It was an easy, entertaining and simply a joy to read. You have a concise and efficient writing style which is a credit to your writing craft and I commend you. Well done! Each character has their own voice and each was distinct and memorable, which is a huge feat. Your story was both entertaining, and more importantly (and some times... I really enjoyed reading your screenplay. It was an easy, entertaining and simply a joy to read. You have a concise and efficient writing style which is a credit to your writing craft and I commend you. Well done!
Each character has their own voice and each was distinct and memorable, which is a huge feat. Your story was both entertaining, and more importantly (and some times lacking in lesser screenplay) a wonderful moral question pertaining to one’s choice of fate.
I only have one problem with what you have written, and perhaps fixing this, you will have a truly great screenplay. Even though it’s a small point, it really hit your story hard.
I was reading in great anticipation as Oscar and Cecil were desperately climbing back to earth from high in the bean stalk. All hope appeared to be lost when…a cloud giant just happened to be there and rescued them… hmmm. This to me was a ‘Deus ex machina’ moment and really put a mark across your amazing work to date. If the cloud giant was mentioned before, I missed it. I didn’t see any build up to him, and didn’t know he was even a character. This could be my misinterpretation, but that’s how I read it.
So how do I suggest you fix this? I’d start by looking at possible ways Oscar and Cecil could be saved: parachutes, aircraft, flying witches… and plant a seed along the way. A great example of this is the goat in Hoodwinked – one of my favorite kid’s movies. He sings a song about ‘being prepared’, it really has no relevance (or so we think) until he’s catapulted of a mountain top and low and behold he has a hat with propellers. It works!
I think you need to look at this, and develop a more accountable rescue to Oscar and Cecil. I read some where that Michael Arndt (writer of Little Miss Sunshine) says the answer is already in the script. I think this applies here. Perhaps have a look at the golden goose – she can fly. The strands of hair from Rapunzel, as some kind of pully. Look at the spongy nature of the shortbread, perhaps this could break their fall. I once read how in the 70’s a young German girl survived a plane crash in Peru strapped to her chair because it spun – like a seed in a circular motion. Even the leaves of the plant… I don’t know. But I think this needs to be addressed. Do this, and it’s a winner.
I didn’t take many notes (I didn’t need too) but here are just a couple. See below.
Page 14
you are repeating yourself a little with the three witches. Oscar says …
who “Know All” and “See All”.
With the narrator Though they were blind - they could see
many things that you and I cannot - they
could see the past
And it’s a little too easy to get to the witches… make it harder.
Overall a wonderful read. I hope you are shopping this around. Try and get an interested female lead who would love to be Tru.
Cheers and good luck!
Jackie read -
A review of THE BEACHby Jackie Case on 08/26/2011This is my first short film review ( I usually hang around screenwriting) and so I’ll do my best given my limited knowledge. There was a really sweet element to this film which I really liked. And I must admit a real sense of sadness when I watched the last frame, which I don’t think was entirely intentional. First off I will suggest a closer look at your placement of characters... This is my first short film review ( I usually hang around screenwriting) and so I’ll do my best given my limited knowledge.
There was a really sweet element to this film which I really liked. And I must admit a real sense of sadness when I watched the last frame, which I don’t think was entirely intentional.
First off I will suggest a closer look at your placement of characters with in the frame. Take for example the opening scene in bed. The top bed head is crooked, and the sides are not exactly equally placed. If you are going for a quirky (State and Main) style then I would suggest paying very close attention to these details. Are you familiar with the “rule of thirds’ grid to help guide you with your arrangements? Perhaps researching this will help you. Google Rule of thirds, there is heaps of information. Again outside the garage, you’re not square centre, or enough to the side as to look comfortable – as explained in the “rule of thirds”.
Another section I will point out is the scene with the ‘son’. The lighting behind is stronger, and I like the way you have used the corridor (this technique is very effective when used well). I only suggest perhaps getting your actor to face forward. Though cute, we see a lot of his backside! Move the camera inside, even rig up a steady cam (inexpensive how to make your own steady cams are dotted over the web) to add more interest and dimension. Perhaps the camera could follow your “father” around the house very low. We see his feet moving around...
I’m not so keen on the fish eye lense here, but this youtube vision around the house is very dynamic. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz-0VaDX7zo .
I guess I have one last comment and that has to do with your lighting. I’ve been reading up and researching on cinematography. It is so important to the quality of the film. They describe it as painting in light. Think about how the light works in a room, on a texture and how it enhances the mood. In your scene with the ‘daughter’, we can see the background shadow of the characters which also makes the scene look more menacing then perhaps intended.
I hope these comments help. I think it looks like you had a lot of fun making this, and I hope you keep learning and making films.
Jackie read
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Submissions by Jackie Case
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Reviews by Jackie Case 37
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A review of Liam and Theo (2nd draft)by Jackie Case on 12/01/2011Hi Tony, Something peeked my interest and I started reading a few lines, and before I knew it I had read the whole thing. I think your screenplay is the easiest read I have ever had on Triggerstreet. It’s just so clean, it’s almost like the non word screenplay. It packs a lot of punch for so little. Great work! You write about the mateship and friendship between Liam and... Hi Tony,
Something peeked my interest and I started reading a few lines, and before I knew it I had read the whole thing. I think your screenplay is the easiest read I have ever had on Triggerstreet. It’s just so clean, it’s almost like the non word screenplay. It packs a lot of punch for so little. Great work!
You write about the mateship and friendship between Liam and Theo in its purest and simplest fashion, but I would perhaps suggest that just like the war itself; which is complicated and complex, I’d try making their relationship more complex or at least the relationships around them more so. For example, Emma, she dislikes the dog because he is taking time away from Liam. Yes, maybe at first, but what if she likes the dog? Theo does something that wins her over. She’s clucky and wants children, so she forms a maternal relationship with Theo, but it’s distracting. She is over feeding him, or undermining the training. I don’t know, but make it harder for them both. The dog's confused, we are all confused, the war is confusing. They can still fight, but what if it’s about something less clichéd then the ‘spending too much time together.’ Just a thought.
I will also ask you this, how do you feel about this war? Because this is the one thing I think is missing here in this screenplay. I believe there are over 390 British soldiers killed to date, but what is your ‘voice’? I’ve read this, and I have no idea how you feel about it. The hurt locker was so powerful because we got to see the addictive nature of being a soldier. "The rush of battle is a potent and often lethal addiction, for war is a drug." This was the unique angle that Mark Boal wrote into his work. We saw how this was reflected in every scene of the film, until William James couldn’t even be with this own family and more horrifically, his own children! I mean how insane is that! Thought provoking and powerful. I know my thoughts on this war, but what are yours?
In Liam and Theo, we see how strong their bond was, but what do we really learn? Was it a waste? Was it a grand adventure (like world war I), was it revenge, proof of courage, what do you think? Once you have figured this out pepper your screenplay with these thoughts and you will have a truly amazing piece of writing.
Also, have you seen Armadillo? This is also a very powerful documentary I would also recommend.
You have a really solid screenplay here, and best of luck with it. Well done!
(My only other very small cristism, and maybe it’s different in the U.K but the bodies are returned home in Hercules, not Chinooks.)
Jackie read -
A review of A Tru Fairytaleby Jackie Case on 11/16/2011I really enjoyed reading your screenplay. It was an easy, entertaining and simply a joy to read. You have a concise and efficient writing style which is a credit to your writing craft and I commend you. Well done! Each character has their own voice and each was distinct and memorable, which is a huge feat. Your story was both entertaining, and more importantly (and some times... I really enjoyed reading your screenplay. It was an easy, entertaining and simply a joy to read. You have a concise and efficient writing style which is a credit to your writing craft and I commend you. Well done!
Each character has their own voice and each was distinct and memorable, which is a huge feat. Your story was both entertaining, and more importantly (and some times lacking in lesser screenplay) a wonderful moral question pertaining to one’s choice of fate.
I only have one problem with what you have written, and perhaps fixing this, you will have a truly great screenplay. Even though it’s a small point, it really hit your story hard.
I was reading in great anticipation as Oscar and Cecil were desperately climbing back to earth from high in the bean stalk. All hope appeared to be lost when…a cloud giant just happened to be there and rescued them… hmmm. This to me was a ‘Deus ex machina’ moment and really put a mark across your amazing work to date. If the cloud giant was mentioned before, I missed it. I didn’t see any build up to him, and didn’t know he was even a character. This could be my misinterpretation, but that’s how I read it.
So how do I suggest you fix this? I’d start by looking at possible ways Oscar and Cecil could be saved: parachutes, aircraft, flying witches… and plant a seed along the way. A great example of this is the goat in Hoodwinked – one of my favorite kid’s movies. He sings a song about ‘being prepared’, it really has no relevance (or so we think) until he’s catapulted of a mountain top and low and behold he has a hat with propellers. It works!
I think you need to look at this, and develop a more accountable rescue to Oscar and Cecil. I read some where that Michael Arndt (writer of Little Miss Sunshine) says the answer is already in the script. I think this applies here. Perhaps have a look at the golden goose – she can fly. The strands of hair from Rapunzel, as some kind of pully. Look at the spongy nature of the shortbread, perhaps this could break their fall. I once read how in the 70’s a young German girl survived a plane crash in Peru strapped to her chair because it spun – like a seed in a circular motion. Even the leaves of the plant… I don’t know. But I think this needs to be addressed. Do this, and it’s a winner.
I didn’t take many notes (I didn’t need too) but here are just a couple. See below.
Page 14
you are repeating yourself a little with the three witches. Oscar says …
who “Know All” and “See All”.
With the narrator Though they were blind - they could see
many things that you and I cannot - they
could see the past
And it’s a little too easy to get to the witches… make it harder.
Overall a wonderful read. I hope you are shopping this around. Try and get an interested female lead who would love to be Tru.
Cheers and good luck!
Jackie read -
A review of THE BEACHby Jackie Case on 08/26/2011This is my first short film review ( I usually hang around screenwriting) and so I’ll do my best given my limited knowledge. There was a really sweet element to this film which I really liked. And I must admit a real sense of sadness when I watched the last frame, which I don’t think was entirely intentional. First off I will suggest a closer look at your placement of characters... This is my first short film review ( I usually hang around screenwriting) and so I’ll do my best given my limited knowledge.
There was a really sweet element to this film which I really liked. And I must admit a real sense of sadness when I watched the last frame, which I don’t think was entirely intentional.
First off I will suggest a closer look at your placement of characters with in the frame. Take for example the opening scene in bed. The top bed head is crooked, and the sides are not exactly equally placed. If you are going for a quirky (State and Main) style then I would suggest paying very close attention to these details. Are you familiar with the “rule of thirds’ grid to help guide you with your arrangements? Perhaps researching this will help you. Google Rule of thirds, there is heaps of information. Again outside the garage, you’re not square centre, or enough to the side as to look comfortable – as explained in the “rule of thirds”.
Another section I will point out is the scene with the ‘son’. The lighting behind is stronger, and I like the way you have used the corridor (this technique is very effective when used well). I only suggest perhaps getting your actor to face forward. Though cute, we see a lot of his backside! Move the camera inside, even rig up a steady cam (inexpensive how to make your own steady cams are dotted over the web) to add more interest and dimension. Perhaps the camera could follow your “father” around the house very low. We see his feet moving around...
I’m not so keen on the fish eye lense here, but this youtube vision around the house is very dynamic. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sz-0VaDX7zo .
I guess I have one last comment and that has to do with your lighting. I’ve been reading up and researching on cinematography. It is so important to the quality of the film. They describe it as painting in light. Think about how the light works in a room, on a texture and how it enhances the mood. In your scene with the ‘daughter’, we can see the background shadow of the characters which also makes the scene look more menacing then perhaps intended.
I hope these comments help. I think it looks like you had a lot of fun making this, and I hope you keep learning and making films.
Jackie read -
A review of Mark of the Veilby Jackie Case on 03/17/2011Mark of the Veil I’ve been reading your thread about how worried you are having put up a screenplay. I perfectly understand. Look, you clicked refresh and here is another review… Now this can be hard to review for a ‘film maker’ rather then ‘screenwriter’. Please allow me to clarify. I assume you are more interested in ‘story’ rather then ‘screenwriting technique’, even though... Mark of the Veil
I’ve been reading your thread about how worried you are having put up a screenplay. I perfectly understand. Look, you clicked refresh and here is another review…
Now this can be hard to review for a ‘film maker’ rather then ‘screenwriter’. Please allow me to clarify. I assume you are more interested in ‘story’ rather then ‘screenwriting technique’, even though I’ll end up mentioning both.
To start with, I really enjoyed your ending. I think it lifted this up a couple of notches. I enjoyed the subterfuge of James tricking Webb. This is great, and leads the reader to want to continue with the rest of the series. So well done on that front.
I guess though, getting to the end was harder then I had hoped. I think you have this story all in your mind's eye – your story, your direction, your characters, it’s perhaps just not quite clear for us as the reader to see all this yet. I write and re-write the same story, and even though the essence of the story is the same, hopefully I’m slowly getting better at telling it, and thus finding the parts that need to be changed accordingly. I think this is the case here, and thus as I mentioned above, is it really necessary to pick apart the wording of the screenplay, when, as I assume you, the director/writer/producer have it all in your head…?
I guess I have a couple of points I want to stress when I read this. It does start off a little slow, but because the ending is so strong does this really matter? A good ending will lift and create a ‘blockbuster’ but a bad ending will kill a film faster then internet reviews. Have a look to see if you can spice up the start more. My initial guess, which I wrote on my notes came by page 8, and even though it’s not clear what James really is, I kind of feel like I guessed too soon, and the rest of the screenplay confirmed this. No surprises. Try and hide this a little more to keep the intrigue up.
I’d also look into your characters more. I hate to be harsh, but I did find them a little flat. You really need to make them leap out of the page. If, James as a ‘child’ was so argumentative, let’s see this from the get go. He’s a fascinating concept and try and bring him to life more. Perhaps a cross between Sheldon from Big Bang theory, so smart, but not street wise, and Bruce Willis, all gut and instinct, but immature, now there is a complex character mesh.
Also, one last thing I want to mention. I don’t know what draft this is, but you have a lot of clichés in there. AS writers, we all start with clichés, and slowly rid ourselves of them until there are none left. I wanted to point them out, not to sound cruel, but to challenge you to write something better. These are the lines, situations as a film goer would sit in the theatre and roll your eyes (another cliche). There are unavoidable at first, but I think you are a good enough writer to change them and elevate this work.
Below are my notes as I read along. This is just my uneducated opinion, and a gut instinct. My qualifications are purely a love of film and an obsessive compulsive need to read and re-read McKee’s ‘Story’…
Must admit I don’t know what a Nova type of program is?
Page 3 What’s up, cuz?
Do you call your cousin cuz? Personally I call them by their names or their nicknames. You mention later he is his cousin so scrape that, we’ll figure it out soon enough.
Page 6 He watches his mother, and she feels it.
This is an unfilmable, but I can kind of see what you’re trying to do. As a director you can tell your actors this, but as a screenplay, it’s frowned upon.
Page8. So my guess is he is a clone… Am I right?
Page 16 HARPER
What’ve you’ve got on ’The Veil’?
What’ve you got on ‘The Veil’.
Page 23 Why is he having visions now?? How do we know it’s a vision and not a flash back…
Page 26-27-28
As this is a film you are hoping to make these are important, but in terms of scriptwriting they are too precise and a general description ending where you want it to is sufficient. There are cash writers who specialize in car scenes and would amend the cash sequence. The important thing is to just create the urgency or the vibe of the scene.
Page 41.
WEBB
...who is in heaven. Needs a question mark.
Must admit it all seems a little too easy with Bree. There is a lot of co-incidences around her. Your characters need to work harder to achieve their goals.
Found myself drifting off for a bit…
Maybe some description for Anderson’s house – what can we learn about her?
Page 66 JAMES
I don’t know. But I’m done playing his games… A little clichéd, you can write better then this.
Page 68 Two black SUVs pull up and idle… again a little clichéd.
You use a lot of moonlight beams, and light references – clichéd.
Page 71
His face stretches painfully, grows horrifyingly fast.
Typo, plus this is an important piece of information and it’s almost lost here.
I’m finding this very confusing. Some one is shooting them, then James is dead, no, no he’s not. He’s having more visions. How do we know the difference between a vision and a flashback?
Page 79 Just a
JAMES
Okay.
After learning all this! Shouldn’t he show a little more emotion? Even if he was genetically made up. Or just delete the okay, at the end works better.
Page 82
INTEL GIRL
Webb sent us a video as we fled.
Now this really confuses me. Webb just stands there and uploads a video, or Intel girl whilst being pursued, stops to check if she has any recent uploads…?? Hmmm
Page 83 charis should be chairs.
Ezra and Bree will be with us.
What does that mean? Are they burning them down too?
Page 85 I like how James turns it all around by pointing the gun at Kylie, and then turning it back on himself. Well done.
Page 86 HARPER
When this is over, you’re coming home.
Why would he say that? Webb/the veil knows where his home is?
Page 89 the tracer, seems out of the blue. He’s so mistrusting of pills at the start, but then he gladly munches on that one.
Page 92 Fine,
fine, you win! Again a little clichéd.
BIG GUY
You think they’re actually gonna release them?
I’m with you Big Guy. They should have at least met at a neutral rendezvous, it’s just stupid to go to the compound.
Page 98 The battle rages. Big Guy falls. Intel Girl wounded, Techie killed.
After all this, you kill half of them off in a line.
Page 99 EZRA
Go on without me. Tell Bree-- another cliché.
JAMES
You can tell her yourself. A double header cliché …
So James just waits while Webb takes a phone call?? Hmmm… and then Webb tells him how to escape?
Do like your ending, however the diary stands out like a saw thumb. Can you incorporate it more seamlessly, so we don’t suspect its importance later on??
Hope this helps. Sorry if I sound harsh.
Jackie read -
A review of Pâtisserie (v.2)by Jackie Case on 02/12/2011This is a tricky one to review, so I’ll do my best. As you would already know, world war II period dramas are difficult to get made, but having written a treatment for an idea set during this time, myself, I say go for it anyway. We write what we write to tell our stories. Plus it’s almost like a one set feature, so the costs in the end shouldn’t be too expensive. But you know... This is a tricky one to review, so I’ll do my best. As you would already know, world war II period dramas are difficult to get made, but having written a treatment for an idea set during this time, myself, I say go for it anyway. We write what we write to tell our stories. Plus it’s almost like a one set feature, so the costs in the end shouldn’t be too expensive. But you know all this anyway.
You are obviously a good writer, as I’ve seen this as screenplay of the month on Zoetrope, and I’m not surprised to see a blue star as I read this version on here. I didn’t get round to reading it on Zoetrope (I tend to spend more time here.)
This is a very competent screenplay. It’s pretty tight, nicely paced and an enjoyable, easy read. I’m going to talk more about story, as your formatting and mechanics are great, and your writing is above anything I can do myself.
I like the idea behind this screenplay. The swapping of the protagonist’s wife and a Jewish girl is interesting and makes for great drama. What I feel needs a little more work are your character’s personalities. I want to feel under their skin. I want to see the desperation in Andre, and see a more exhaustive search, asking more people, or if this is too dangerous, looking himself in crowded streets, following girls that from behind look like his wife. Going to the pictures and watching news reels, simply trying harder, everything. He kind of just disappears and we don’t really see anything of what or if he’s really trying to do. OR... if he decides to stop, make it a conscientious decision. Something happens. What is it? The way his son reacts to his new Mum, or Andre realizing that he’s spending so much time looking for his wife, that he’s missing out on the life he has in front of him. At the moment it’s not so clear, it kind of just happens.
The other thing I wanted to point out is my reaction to the ending. It’s a hard one to write, as I think you’re done a wonderful job at coming to this point. Getting Andre to finally have to choice between his wife, the mother of his child, and Emilie. I wish I was at the end of my seat, at the climax, I wish I cared so deeply for either Emile or Mireille, that I was barracking for one or the other, but in the end I didn’t care for either. In one way, I felt worse for Mireille, and I ended up hated Andre for what he does to her. Because he never really became attached to Emilie, physically, emotionally, (as stated by Emilie who claims he always thought of his wife) Are you saying that in the end he cared more for his son? There just has to be one tipping the other in the balance. Unfortunately I’m just left feeling unsatisfied. The war was shit, people in war are shit, or at least forced to do shitty things, and in the end the world is a horrible place. I’m also not saying you can’t have a down beat ending, it’s just that I’m left feeling empty and sad for everyone here. Surely someone must win. Or is that the point? The only ones’ who do are children, who don’t know any better?
So in the end, I’d just suggest making Andre and Emilie have a little more personality. Small things to really bring them to life, what’s Emilie’s favourite pastry? What does Andre like to do after hours? Show them making the pastries together; having a laugh, enjoying each other’s company more.
This is getting really close. This is just one person’s opinion, and an honest but uneducated one at that. I just say how I feel rather then from any training. It will probably end up script of the month here, and I’ll be interested to see what they say.
Cheers and good luck, below are my notes as I read.
Needs a montage or a few more scenes of Andre looking for his wife. An exhaustive search.
Page 47
Isn’t it time for her to leave?
Why would he say this??
And why does he tell his father when clearly they have a strained relationship?
Page 69
He goes to the stairs and looks up at them, listening. Missing word.
Madame Monchamp needs more development, she’s a small role I know, but she has the least dimensions. What is her motivation?
Page 86.
I wish my children at 2 years old would do exactly what I wanted. This throws me out of the story for being unbelievable. Give him a pastry and then he’d be good.
Page 86
How do we know it’s his son that’s being shot? Perhaps he calls out, “my son” or his name to make it personal.
Page 100
Would Durand still call her Émilie, what does every one else call her? Perhaps Emi, which sounds close to M. for Marielle.
Page (sorry forgot to write the page number)
Émilie’s head twists to see who it is. Mireille? No, just an OLD MAN with his coin purse open.
This gives too much away. Perhaps she turns quickly, like she is expecting some one. Or she keeps looking up, once when the music stops at the end of a song, once when the bell rings… once after she sweeps etc… Once when she closes the door, but instead walks outside and scans the street…
Page 106
Oh! You’re leaving.
How does he know this? What if he asks, ‘Are you leaving?’
Page 118
ANDRÉ
This...is the mother...of my son.
Ouch…harsh…
Jackie
read -
A review of Mind the Gapby Jackie Case on 01/09/2011Hi Marinda. I can see you are new to Triggerstreet and with only two downloads this could be your first review. So I will try and be gentle. First off welcome. Triggerstreet can be harsh and unforgiving, but it truly is a fantastic place to grow your thick ‘writer’s skin’ that you will need to survive in such a competitive medium. The thing to remember is that we are all learning... Hi Marinda. I can see you are new to Triggerstreet and with only two downloads this could be your first review. So I will try and be gentle.
First off welcome. Triggerstreet can be harsh and unforgiving, but it truly is a fantastic place to grow your thick ‘writer’s skin’ that you will need to survive in such a competitive medium. The thing to remember is that we are all learning and not to take things personally.
O.K your premise is a Scottish Doctor goes to America. Now I’m not sure how it actually works, and there is nothing wrong with this idea, I’m just finding it difficult to believe that there are agencies set up to handle this. Surely third world countries, but the U.S.? England has a crumbling health system as it is, and to be sending out Doctors doesn’t make much sense. I’d have a think about your premise. How do we get our reluctant Scottish Doctor to Johnson’s Gap? Maybe it’s a cross continental exchange? Part of his final year of medicine internship? Maybe he’s working on a paper about diabetes at altitude and that the only way he can research this? These are just brain storming, but try and be creative but realistic.
The second thing I want to ask here is what is this screenplay about? I know he goes overseas, but what does he really learn? How has he changed forever from the person her was in the first page? Currently I’m not seeing much. Also look closer into what does he need, and there will be your ‘quest’ for Dr. John. What does he want? What is stopping him from getting it? Is it the job? Yep, he gets that pretty easily. Is it to be loved? Yep, he gets that pretty easily. Everything just happens and there is little build up. Look into his desires and there is your story, your drama. At the moment this is reading as underdeveloped.
Also one last thing, be careful of your flood scene at the end. There is this thing called ‘deus ex machina’ which they talk a lot about her on Triggerstreet and as a new writer you may not be aware of it. It’s basically when at the very end something completely out of the blue comes along and whereby a seemingly inextricable problem is suddenly and abruptly solved. The flood wrecks the shop, Sarah has no reason to stay and she leaves. Just be really careful with this. Perhaps set up a previous flood, or at least mention it so we as the audience are not hit with this bolt from the blue.
Look, I actually found this a pleasant read. And despite some formatting problems (some people are obsessed with formatting) you have a nice flowing style and I wasn’t chocked with frustration when I read this. All I can suggest is absolutely keep writing. Keep reading, especially unproduced but sold screenplays - you’ll get an idea of the industry standard (try http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/) he’s very helpful. But most importantly, people like me are just giving an opinion and remember just keep to your own guns and intuition.
Keep writing.
Best of luck, any questions please ask.
Jackie
Below are my notes as I read.
Page 2. hastily getting ready for a job interview
How do we know this is going to be a job interview? Show it don’t say it. He could be just hastily getting ready and we learn later on it’s for a job interview.
Forgotten slug lines is it day – night??
I’m assuming Tommy and John are still talking to each other on the phone – not very clear.
Page 6 try and avoid large blocks of text. Break it up into ideally 3 to four lines.
Page 7 There is an even newer Dr. Who isn’t there? Possibly dating your work.
Just not sure of the premise here – wouldn’t every agency just be screaming for Doctors in disadvantage areas?? And how disadvantaged it Tennessee. Worse then third world??
But having said that, I do enjoy a good foreigner in a foreign land tale so lets keep going…
Page 11 retainer, is a very American word, and not likely to be used by the Scottish.
Page 13, try and avoid ‘Typical’ just describe it. What is typical??
Page 20 maybe a little more description on Heather and Claudia.
Page 23 ‘creepy old pictures’ I must admit I’m a huge fan of Mike Disfarmer photos – engaging.
Page 28 JOHN
Well, if I lived in this boring town I’d
probably resort to a mental holiday myself,
now and again.
Bit harsh, makes me dislike John.
Remember every scene must build towards something. Where is your drama, what does the Doctor want? He wants to survive his stay here? From boredom?? This is starting to get very slow…
Page 41 It’s just silly, is all. Also doesn’t sound very Scottish.
Page 45 John should try and get in the drivers side – it’s so easy to forget which side to sit when you’re used to the opposite in a car – done it myself.
Page 59 but don’t you think it’s time to let it go? How long have they been fighting seems just like it was yesterday.
Page 62 and I was doing something to damage my health… A little on the nose, would you really say that. Most people don’t speak to directly, if anything they don’t say what they mean at all.
Page 67 Bye, crazy old man! Not very sympathetic of John.
Page 77 that’s a big block of text, and it pretty descriptive though nothing is really happening.
Why does Bobby change his mind in front of every one?
Page 92 Its three weeks since the flood. How do we know this? Maybe a title ‘Three weeks later’.
read -
A review of King: A Dream Deniedby Jackie Case on 11/13/2010I wasn’t going to read a screenplay tonight, but I thought I’d just check it out and before I knew it, I’d read the whole thing. I thoroughly enjoyed this. I must admit I do enjoy this type of film so you had a captive audience. First off, I’m no expert in this era of American History (I’m an Australian) so in all honesty I can’t make a valid judgment on the content of the... I wasn’t going to read a screenplay tonight, but I thought I’d just check it out and before I knew it, I’d read the whole thing.
I thoroughly enjoyed this. I must admit I do enjoy this type of film so you had a captive audience. First off, I’m no expert in this era of American History (I’m an Australian) so in all honesty I can’t make a valid judgment on the content of the story. I assume like most things there is the element of conspiracy theory, fact and fiction all rolled together. In my ignorance I am assuming what you have here are based on facts.
I can see you have done reams of research and hours of reading in piecing together a linear story like this. What if you played around with the structure and story time line? Milk is a great example where Harvey is talking into a microphone and recording his thoughts. This plays with the non linear storyline. Another fantastic film is Frost/Nixon, the dialogue is amazing, it’s almost like a thriller.
I guess there is one element that I feel is missing in this. It’s you angle; Frost/Nixon is really all about conceit, it’s the perception of power. Milk deals with prejudice, but also about acceptance, both personally and politically. Even The Social Network has a wonderful ironic angle (I won’t spoil it if you haven’t seen it.)
As a writer, what is your voice in all this? The facts are abhorrent and sickening. King’s death is a terrible waste. How do you feel about it? I’m not saying to personally write it down, but I’m looking at the subtext with in this and for me it’s not clear.
Often when I’m reviewing I don’t even mention subtext as there are clearly many faults in the formatting and actual story, but I make the exception here. You have a wonderful screenplay but if you want to bring it up to the next level you really need to think of it as a whole. As mentioned before I’m no expert in that era so I can’t make any suggestions, I do think that gentlemen such as King paved the way forward for Obama, and without getting too political there is something to be said in that: a gratitude and irony an angle??
I guess what I’m saying is where is your voice?
Couple of notes as I read along.
Perhaps 5 minutes is too long, just make is a montage of poignant images to set the tone.
Perhaps a little more information about the nature of the sanitation
Page 7 office, office.
Page 10 when the phone rings it gives them a start!
Page 12 Your the best, daddy. You’re
Page 13 typical what is typical?? Be more specific
Page 24 Your – you’re ‘you think your going’
Page 48 what race is CARTHEL WEEDEN the fire captain? I
Page 57 Your – you’re ‘your in luck’
Best of luck and keep writing. read -
A review of The Humane Facadeby Jackie Case on 08/01/2010I read this over a few weeks with a big break in the middle. Here are my notes as I read along... I’m being harsh, but what’s with your front cover? Just put the name of your screenplay, your name, and I would recommend an email address (one your feel confident letting the world see). You never know who is going to read your stuff. (Even I have had outside interest through... I read this over a few weeks with a big break in the middle.
Here are my notes as I read along...
I’m being harsh, but what’s with your front cover? Just put the name of your screenplay, your name, and I would recommend an email address (one your feel confident letting the world see). You never know who is going to read your stuff. (Even I have had outside interest through Triggerstreet.)
Really concentrate on the tone of your writing. At the moment it’s all;
And this and this and this.
Rather then ‘loud commotion’ write what it is.
i.e . A heavy glass vile crashes to the floor. The shards of glass tear through the sterile room. SAMANTHA SHEPHARD (20) fights violently as two medics try valiantly to contain her.
It’s not great, but try and really capture the emotion and the depth of feeling in every sentence.
Don’t use camera actions.
Again on page 3.
A foot is seen kicking frantically against a door.
How can you write this in a more interesting manner?
Frantically, a young man in purple leather pumps kicks at an old wooden door.
Go over every line and make it the most interesting you can. The trick is doing it in a way that’s both economical and moves the story forward.
Here is an opportunity to really amp up the drama. We have someone trying to committee suicide. Make us care; show Ling setting up the car, turning the key. Breathing in the fumes. The struggle. Let’s see Shen frantically calling him, breaking down the door.
It’s doesn’t have to be long, but you want your reader on the edge of their seat. Will he get there in time? This is drama, this is conflict.
Dialogue needs a lot of work, people rarely say what they mean.
What does Shen want? What is his goal in this screenplay?
He’s travelling and is now a Monk, but why? The soon we learn this the quicker we can get behind him and root for him that he will get it.
Cut your int/ext and just use the rooms needed. Ie. Page 13/14
INT. - SHEPHARD HOME – DAY
LIVING ROOM
HALL
EXT. BACKYARD
It’s stream lines the screenplay and makes for a smoother read.
They also recommend using only day or night, no afternoons dusk…
Page 16
Must admit finding it a little difficult to believe freshly arrived Monks, who have just walked into a new person’s home as a quest would within the first few minutes start playing with a super soaker.
There is no differentiation between the brothers. Just their names. What makes them memorable, physical characteristics/speech/ what does each character want?
Look at your scenes and see how they move the story forward. They bike scene with Samantha is perhaps too long. Really try and cut to the core of the scene. We have Samantha and Shen meeting for the first time. What can we learn about them that we didn’t know already?
You need to look at your scene headings, you don’t need to write INT. - LIVING ROOM – AFTERNOON every time.
Just explain, that Shen is looking at the photos in one corner and Donden is looking at DVD’s in the other.
Check out the screenwriter’s bible – David Trotter to check all your formatting, especially your actions. Apparently, you’re not meant to just put them into a bracket.
Watch out for repeats in your scripts for example; Jacob explaining to Samantha what a Mandela is (we learnt this previously at the beginning of the screenplay.)
Watch with your timing here around pages 50/55 a lot is happening as Jason washes his tile. Samantha is doing all this and Jason still hasn’t finished cleaning his tile. Are there more tiles and lines of basins? How does this scene look?
http://www.abc.net.au/tv/enoughrope/interactive/angelsanddemons/
Is a fantastic resource dealing with people with mental illness. I found part 3 most profound and frightening.
Page 66. SHEN remembers finding LING’s body.
We need a flashback scene to show this. What does he see? How is this relevant and what do we learn about this scene which we didn’t know before? Don’t just repeat it.
Again page 66 we are hearing the voice over but what are we seeing?
EXT. CHINESE VILLAGE – DAY
A quaint country road stretches on for miles. A young boy waves happily at his fellow villages as he strides confidently. An elderly man, leaning heavily on his cane, looks coldly at the young boy as he waves at him.
The boy looks sad and despondent. He looks down at his hand which now holds a heavy brick…
You don’t need the voice over here is a wonderful story you can just show. The when the boy is surrounded by the bricks Shen can use his voice over so we learn how he is feeling.
Why does she need a brace for a broken nose? Wouldn’t the doctor just snap it back?
Page 78 Pissed off is more accurate.
Would you really say that to a Monk?
Page 84 Can you really speak to a police officer like that in the States?
The photographic references are clichéd. Try and think how can I show this a different and more unusual way?
Page 93. Why can’t her mother let her in? I know the monks understand but I don’t. Make me understand. I know she’s a schizophrenic HIV, but are they going to lock the back door and let her sleep on the couch? It’s reading too far fetched the way it is.
Page 105 So why is Mildred all of a sudden tolerant of Samantha? What changed in her?
Perhaps a montage would work best here – with the mother and daughter sewing and the Mandela.
So did Shen get infected? Was Samantha miraculously cured of both HIV and her mental illnesses? Where is your ending?
And they just all drove away smiling…mmmm
You’ve got a good start here. But what you really need to do is get your formatting right. It’s the most painful part of screenwriting, but unfortunately it’s important. Every time there is an error it throws the reader away from your story. And if there are a lot then you will loose your reader altogether. The most obvious is all your scene headings. You just need one pre scene. You could cut your screenplay down by pages by getting that right.
But underneath all that do you have a story? Yes. Do you have drama? Not so much. What do all your characters want? Sam seems to want for nothing but live on the streets, which she does no drama. She doesn’t even seem to care or know she’s HIV.
What are Sam’s personal dreams? Maybe she learns about someone who is able to fulfill their dream despite their mental illness. What is her depth of character?
Shen wants to care for everyone to avenge his brother which he does? No drama.
We need the conflict.
What if Shen could see something that Sam does which is exactly the same as what Shen’s brother did just before he took his life. Shen is compelled to help her for more personal reasons.
Last thing are your characters. All your monks seem the same. Other then Master and Shen whom also come across as pretty similar there is little uniqueness to them.
Samantha seems to chop and change and one minute she is street-smart and then next she talks like a baby. If she has multiple personalities then we have to see them. Give them all names so we know which Samantha is talking (The United States of Tamara.)
I hope I’m not being too harsh, there is a lot to like here, just push yourself and get it better. Keep writing and best of luck in the future.
Jackie read -
by Jackie Case on 05/13/2010Your reputation precedes you as you have written well received screenplays here on Triggerstreet. So I review this with great trepidation. I’m a hack, who follows their instincts rather then any particular methodology. So please take or leave my suggestions, them just is what they is… About this one… you obviously can write, and you will already know that you have a solid... Your reputation precedes you as you have written well received screenplays here on Triggerstreet. So I review this with great trepidation. I’m a hack, who follows their instincts rather then any particular methodology. So please take or leave my suggestions, them just is what they is…
About this one… you obviously can write, and you will already know that you have a solid talent for screenwriting. This is a first draft, and it’s good but I’II point out a few things I felt. Over all it is fun and well paced and yes, it’s an ‘easy read’.
You have created a likable protagonist. However he kind of changes from being a ‘I’m hearing rumours of full frontal’ to some who says … ‘dollars to donuts’ and’ ladies’. I am also glad that he was a ‘bad ‘comedian because I didn’t laugh at any of his jokes whilst I did laugh at JD’s jokes. So you can write humour, maybe makes this clear up front so it doesn’t reflect badly on your writing rather then on the ‘uncomedic’ nature of your character.
I really enjoyed Stu and Emma’s meetings at the beginning; however it did feel very similar to the film ‘It’s a lot like love’ which (despite the lack of critical acclaim) I actually enjoyed, and I enjoyed your version too. (It was one of those late night surprises that your start watching and end up saying up way too late to see what happens). Anyway I digress. I think you should cut all this even though it’s good, to the bare bones. Your highest drama in the script is when the race is on for Emma to find Stu. That’s your most intense conflict. Work it harder, have us on our seats in anticipations. If we learn how dangerous Amy is, we’ll know the risks and the consequences. I’m not suggesting go all thriller, but use this to create a more completing screenplay.
1. One last suggestion is the whole twin thing. I did see it as a bolt from the blue, and a little jarring. Perhaps your set up needs just a little adjusting. If Emma is searching for someone, something that is missing, she doesn’t know what it is but it keeps her on the road. It’s a minor detail but it lets us slide into the idea of a twin with out it knocking us over. Also the idea of the good and bad twin is also problematic. You’re right, a twin not raised by their natural parent could have multiple problems but rather then just a one dimensional good and bad use this. Emma got lucky, her parents couldn’t look after two (too poor/Amy needed expensive medical treatments…whatever) Amy gets shipped around, treated badly and ends up being evil sits a lot more comfortably then just she was born that way. It gives her a little more dimension and it explains her character better. We can almost feel happy for her and her at her wedding. There’s a great line in Juno beautiful and really mean. kind of like diana ross. This is what I’m trying to get at. What if you modeled Amy on Diana Ross?
Anyway below are my ramblings as I read;
Why Titanic at the start? Just curious…? But nice solid setup. Well done.
Here’s a wonderful opportunity to try and use a joke about the father being an asshole… slip one in…something like ‘ I asked my dad once when I was little, why is drinking so wonderful? And he said, “it intensifies your personality” I just remember thinking ‘yeah but what if you’re an asshole”
Perhaps a brief description of how’s he looking at 21 – rougher/ smoother, even if it’s exactly the same just something.
OK he hates flying can you mention this the first time they meet? When he’s going to see titanic it was the only choice other then a ‘flight film’ we learn later he hates flying. Plus he likes a bit of front nudity…
Or when they decide to go for the drink…
EMMA
We could walk.
STU
No.
EMMA
Are you suggesting we should fly?
STU
Even worse.
Page 36 typo should be hear not here.
Page 46 Remove at.
HELEN
Comedians are the most disturbed
patients I’ve ever had. Why do you
feel the need to have people at
laugh at you?
Perhaps just think about the evil twin a little more, this could be done smoother. Try making the reader think that it is maybe Stu that she has been missing her whole life, but she’s not sure, too young, not ready… when in fact it’s her twin she’s been looking for.
Page 70 missing a ‘looks’
One of those people is MIKE, 50’s, big guy who looks likes he’s consisted on a diet of nothing but bratwurst for a good thirty years.
Page 85 why is Emma freaked out?
On the nose
EMMA
Okay, okay. Calm down, Emma. She’s
clearly a bit disturbed. You don’t
need a sister. And you don’t need a
soulmate.
Page 103
She quickly heads away from the window and walks back to Stu, who is still tied, leans against the barricaded door
I did laugh at this below. Well done!
You look just like her.
EMMA
We’re twins.
SAMUEL
You don’t look anything like Danny
Devito.
You have a great writing style and I can see you’ve optioned a screenplay so you are already on the way towards a fantastic career. These are only gut suggestions. Read then and throw them out. Good luck, not that you need it.
Jackie read -
A review of Dancing Madnessby Jackie Case on 05/10/2010Dancing madness OK, you’ve written this as a comedy, drama, which is kinda of an oxymoron. Mixing genres can be very difficult to do successful. I’m all for them, but in your case, I’m afraid you really need to decide once and for all which direction you want this screenplay to go. I’d go the comedy. The premise is an 80’s wanna be and his struggles… or sort of, it’s about... Dancing madness
OK, you’ve written this as a comedy, drama, which is kinda of an oxymoron. Mixing genres can be very difficult to do successful. I’m all for them, but in your case, I’m afraid you really need to decide once and for all which direction you want this screenplay to go.
I’d go the comedy. The premise is an 80’s wanna be and his struggles… or sort of, it’s about the side lick that becomes the hero, or is it about lost love? What you do need to do decide is what is this screenplay about – just one thing and then stick to that. I’m not saying don’t have all the other subplots, but making this about one theme would really tighten this up. I personally like that idea of living in the past (Blake and his father, Adam the professor etc…) There is a dark humour and tragedy about people who can’t move on. Why can’t they move on? What do they want? Why can’t they get it?
One last generalization before you get to my notes below. Who is the main character in this screenplay? I thought it was Blake, then maybe Drew, then Keats? If it’s an ensemble piece it needs to be an ensemble piece the whole way through. You’ve started with Blake, and ended with Molly which is confusing and makes it hard to get behind your characters
I actually enjoyed this screenplay. It was a quick easy read for most parts, and you have a nice fluid style. I really enjoyed the 80 references and you would have so much fun with costumes/music/ mannerisms with this. I don’t know how many drafts you have written on this, and I absolutely appreciate the ‘feeling around’ process of writing. You have a solid story here; you just need to focus on the subtext more. What is this all about? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vyN8VN4BSzM
Anyway, keep up the writing .
Here are my notes as I went;
Your log line gives too much away. I’d remove- his hero is a villain.
Page 3. DREW (CONT.)
And start thinking for yourself,
instead of copping your every move
from some washed-up teen idol.
Copping - should be copying.
Watch your directions between dialogue. Especially if it’s between every single characters dialogue. Remove it, unless it’s absolutely necessary. Why, it can really slow down a reader. It should all be in your dialogue already.
Not understanding why Blake’s two hours late? Wouldn’t you be on time to meet the girl of your dreams?
Page 50 Grocer should be caps. New character.
Loads of coincidences. 80’s kid/ professor/Damian Swizzle etc. To tighten up this screenplay have a think about how you can seamlessly create these coincidences.i.e. Blake decides to do the class because for a term they will be studying Knights work. But he doesn’t realise Knight is actually going to be the guest speaker /lat minute replacement,.
Headings, perhaps make them clearer.
GET A ROOM FURNITURE STORE
Confused about Adam’s mail. Did he think it was fan mail? From when, what year, yesterday, 20 years ago? Maybe if Adam points out the mail to Keats previously, that he has so much mail he still hasn’t had time to open it all?
The screenplay runs a little fragmented.
Who is your main character…? It’s Blake then its Keats…Molly?
So does Molly die? Check your time sequence. Nobody seems to care for a long while?
Why are all the shoppers for Swizzles so supportive? They are shopping there, so you’d think they liked it..
Your ending though nice is that fine line between funny and silly. Look, if I read Ferris Buller, I’d be scoffing about the scene where he’s singing on the float in the middle of the street surrounded by dancing girls. But it worked. Your ending has that sentiment. I personally not sure if it would work, trains, hospitals and the obligatory microphone. Just surprised he didn’t use it to sing to Molly! So all I can say is I’m not sure about it.
This however was a lot of fun, and frankly what do I know about anything?
Good luck
Jackie read
Comments About Jackie Case 39
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covofdark on 12/02/2011
Hi,
Your very welcome. I believe your SP deserves higher marks than what I see.
You had me on the edge of my seat with Suto at the end. I though he was a goner for sure with the electric fence.
Anyhow, I hope you get a better reviewer than me with the skill set who can offer you advance sound advice.
Keep up the good work!
Will
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snony on 12/01/2011
Hey Jackie,
Thanks for your review of Liam and Theo. I appreciate the time you've taken and will make good use of your notes in future drafts.
Thanks again
Tony
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Jeff H on 11/19/2011
Hi Jackie,
Thanks for taking the time to read and review my screenplay. I'm definitely getting the feeling that my page count is scaring away TS readers, so I really appreciate that you decided not to delete this assignment like several others have already. Getting the page count down is certainly one of the reasons I decided to post our script on TS. I was hoping that, based on what TS readers thought, I could figure out the best places to cut from. My writing partner and I have shown it to a few friends, but I wanted to get the unbiased opinions of people we didn't know or who weren't already familiar with Alan's story.
You see, most (if not all) of our friends and family are already quite familiar with Alan's story because, well, Alan is family. My writing partner, Jenny, is not only my wife, but she's also Alan's daughter (young Jennifer in the screenplay). Several years ago, she and I made a documentary about her father that was fairly well received (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0437780/). After showing it at several film festivals, we got enough comments from people saying that Alan's story would make a great movie that we decided to go ahead and try and to write a narrative version ourselves. But because all of our friends and family have either seen the documentary or know Alan personally, we’re finding it hard to get opinions from our intended target audience, which would be people who have never heard of Alan or his story.
By the way, I really liked your film mash-up description of the script: “The Yes Men Who Stare at Goats.” “Goats” was indeed a script that I looked at for it’s narrative structure, although my initial inspiration was “Citizen Kane.” And it’s funny that you mentioned the Yes Men, because they have credited Alan for being an inspiration for what they do. They even invited him to help them with one of their stunts a couple of years back, but unfortunately that never panned out.
There was one thing about your review that I was curious about: At the end, after you Googled Alan and realized that he was a real person, did it make you see the screenplay in a different way? I’m just wondering because, obviously there were certain decisions we made about that story that were based on the facts of what really happened, and not on how we might have written it if it was just a story that we made up. For instance, the reason the SINA hoax section (clothing naked animals) is so long is because not only is it one of Alan’s first and best known stunts, but also because it really did go on for years.
Speaking of going on too long, I think I’ll wrap it up here. Thanks again for your review. I’m still not sure if you actually liked the story or not, but you did give a few things to think about.
Cheers,
JH
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RickCarr on 11/16/2011
Jackie,
Thanks for the review of A Tru Fairytale. I appreciate both the positive comments and the suggestions for improvements. I'm sure your review will help me as I work on the next draft. Thanks. Best of luck to you on your own projects. - Rick -
wanderingmbhorn on 03/21/2011
Jackie,
Thanks for an absolutely wonderful review of DREAM-WALKING! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it and even more glad you got the Flowers in the Attic reference, pretty sure you're the first person, haha!
I've actually begun re-tooling the ending completely because, as you said, I wasn't happy with the script's message. Going into this, I wasn't trying to "say" anything, but in the process, I created something that says, essentially "better to be dead than paralyzed." Not exactly the kind of message studios wanna' be throwing at audiences, haha.
So instead I've begun the process of re-tooling the ending to be similar, but different in scope to be one of acceptance, as Sam realizes what he has is special, and ducks out of surgery in the final moments. Thank you for re-confirming my ending, haha.
Thanks!
John -
Hall E Woode on 03/18/2011
I'm hinting (falsely) a bit now that James is a clone of Avelyn's 'real' son early on, but your review made me realize that I really wasn't clear about James' true origin in Harper's explanation. Now by James' and Harper's discussion in the cabin, James voices our (the audience's) hunch that he's a clone, and then Harper makes the complete reveal very clear... So we'll see how that works...
And thank you again for your review. Last night and this evening I did a major retooling of Acts 2b and 3. Webb doesn't send a video, they don't arbitrarily burn the church down (I do something else with the church instead that's much more workable), and Webb is surprised by Harper and James' arrival at the old compound, not planning for it, and in fact is in the middle of getting grilled by The Veil for failing to hang onto James... I think those and some other changes I've made will really help.
Your review was probably one of the most helpful pieces. Would love for your thoughts on draft 2!
Brandon -
Hall E Woode on 03/17/2011
Ah, looking back on my second draft in progress, I changed 'vision' to 'hallucination' in the header. Heh, looks like I'd already thought of that! -
Hall E Woode on 03/17/2011
Hi, Jackie,
Thanks for your review of 'Mark of the Veil'! Already working on a second draft (this was draft one), I've decided the 'twist' of James' origin is hurting the film by trying to make it be a twist, so as I'm developing draft two, I'm just letting it out there (more or less) from the get go. The point is not the discovery, but seeing James as he encounters it. I've sped up the beginning a bit by Webb showing up earlier. We see the 'deal' being made between Avelyn and Webb.
Also, I added a lot of clarity to Webb's designs for James, and the purpose of The Veil.
Thanks for your notes on 'visions' vs. flashbacks; my aim there was to communicate a half-true memory, or a daydream of a forgotten memory. Does that make sense? Kind of like dreams or 'visions' influenced by the blocked memory that's violently fighting to get to the surface. I'll have to think about how to put that.
There are other changes that I have already made that I'd be curious to get your input once I upload draft two... But you've given me another perspective and some more things to chew on...
Thanks! :)
Brandon -
djslik on 02/17/2011
The scoring system is strange. i don't read to much into it. anyway i've only had four reviews.
my influence is more westernized. i fell i have a better understanding of the movie culture.
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Johnstone82 on 02/14/2011
Hi, Jackie,
Thank you for taking the time to read and review "Yes-Man." And, yes, I have seen "The Office"--actually, only the English version... I'm a fan of awkward, sort of tongue-in-cheek humor. And don't worry about being harsh; your review didn't come off that way. Take care!
John
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Comments About Jackie Case 39
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Hi Jackie,
+ more commentscovofdark on 12/02/2011
Your very welcome. I believe your SP deserves higher marks than what I see.
You had me on the edge of my seat with Suto at the end. I though he was a goner for sure with the electric fence.
Anyhow, I hope you get a better reviewer than me with the skill set who can offer you advance sound advice.
Keep up the good work!
Will
snony on 12/01/2011
Thanks for your review of Liam and Theo. I appreciate the time you've taken and will make good use of your notes in future drafts.
Thanks again
Tony
Jeff H on 11/19/2011
Thanks for taking the time to read and review my screenplay. I'm definitely getting the feeling that my page count is scaring away TS readers, so I really appreciate that you decided not to delete this assignment like several others have already. Getting the page count down is certainly one of the reasons I decided to post our script on TS. I was hoping that, based on what TS readers thought, I could figure out the best places to cut from. My writing partner and I have shown it to a few friends, but I wanted to get the unbiased opinions of people we didn't know or who weren't already familiar with Alan's story.
You see, most (if not all) of our friends and family are already quite familiar with Alan's story because, well, Alan is family. My writing partner, Jenny, is not only my wife, but she's also Alan's daughter (young Jennifer in the screenplay). Several years ago, she and I made a documentary about her father that was fairly well received (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0437780/). After showing it at several film festivals, we got enough comments from people saying that Alan's story would make a great movie that we decided to go ahead and try and to write a narrative version ourselves. But because all of our friends and family have either seen the documentary or know Alan personally, we’re finding it hard to get opinions from our intended target audience, which would be people who have never heard of Alan or his story.
By the way, I really liked your film mash-up description of the script: “The Yes Men Who Stare at Goats.” “Goats” was indeed a script that I looked at for it’s narrative structure, although my initial inspiration was “Citizen Kane.” And it’s funny that you mentioned the Yes Men, because they have credited Alan for being an inspiration for what they do. They even invited him to help them with one of their stunts a couple of years back, but unfortunately that never panned out.
There was one thing about your review that I was curious about: At the end, after you Googled Alan and realized that he was a real person, did it make you see the screenplay in a different way? I’m just wondering because, obviously there were certain decisions we made about that story that were based on the facts of what really happened, and not on how we might have written it if it was just a story that we made up. For instance, the reason the SINA hoax section (clothing naked animals) is so long is because not only is it one of Alan’s first and best known stunts, but also because it really did go on for years.
Speaking of going on too long, I think I’ll wrap it up here. Thanks again for your review. I’m still not sure if you actually liked the story or not, but you did give a few things to think about.
Cheers,
JH