a screenplay
by jakenp
What if the person you loved had no idea who you really were?
jakenp
member since 11/23/2010 |
last login 02/27/2013
Thomas Edison said that success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration. I’ve found that screenwriting is similar, but a little bit different, in that it’s 10 percent perspiration and 90 percent looking at facebook....
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Thomas Edison said that success is 10 percent inspiration and 90 percent perspiration. I’ve found that screenwriting is similar, but a little bit different, in that it’s 10 percent perspiration and 90 percent looking at facebook.
Submissions by jakenp
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a screenplay by jakenp
What if the person you loved had no idea who you really were?
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a screenplay by jakenp
What if the person you loved had no idea who you really were?
Reviews by jakenp 79
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A review of Vengeanceby jakenp on 02/07/2012Vengeance explores the classic Western premise of "main character is avenging someone's death." In this story, it is Chuck avenging his fathers. His sidekick Joe is around (with a twist at the end) and he is close with a family that keeps horses. He falls for the daughter in that family. Your story structure is actually pretty good. The twist at the end is competent. But... Vengeance explores the classic Western premise of "main character is avenging someone's death." In this story, it is Chuck avenging his fathers. His sidekick Joe is around (with a twist at the end) and he is close with a family that keeps horses. He falls for the daughter in that family.
Your story structure is actually pretty good. The twist at the end is competent. But the devil is in the details of this script.
Somehow you manage to tell a story (with an enormous amount of inherent tension) without including any conflict in any scene. Every back-and-forth plays out very convenient and polite. Way too much "hi, how are you? Good how are you?" Characters uses each other's names way too much in dialog--a totally unrealistic detail.
These characters are quite flat. It was hard for me to glean any backstory other than the stuff with the murdered dad who was in the Civil War.
The Joe twist actually might have worked, but you didn't earn it. He just out of the blue is like "oh yeah, I'm your enemy too." You need to plant seeds for that kind of stuff all through the story.
If you plan on reworking this, make sure you give your scenes and characters some texture. Give everything enough complexity and flaw and conflict that your readers can sink their teeth into. Make your script anything but boring, and you can see through what is really a pretty good premise. read -
A review of FLOOD OF TEARSby jakenp on 02/04/2012Flood of Tears is the story of a British man who is caught in the Thailand during the tragic tsunami which occurred several years back. He goes there on a vacation that his family got for him and has a romance with a woman there who is reminiscent of (or actually) a childhood memory. The tragedy prompts him to finally grieve his deceased daughter, and reconnect with his ex-wife... Flood of Tears is the story of a British man who is caught in the Thailand during the tragic tsunami which occurred several years back. He goes there on a vacation that his family got for him and has a romance with a woman there who is reminiscent of (or actually) a childhood memory. The tragedy prompts him to finally grieve his deceased daughter, and reconnect with his ex-wife.
Your format was smooth and the read never got terribly bogged down. Characters were well rounded, distinct and had good dialog. Harry is quite likable, so that's good. I was certainly intrigued with the Susie-Sue thing, but was a bit confused as to whether or not Sumalee was actually the girl from the tin, all grown up.
I think there are two major issues with the script. The first is your structure. The tsunami doesn't hit until after page 50. Such a big thing that affects the main character so greatly should come a lot earlier, I think. If you are building a script using traditional screenplay structure (and I think a story like this certainly benefits from a traditional structure) the tsunami should come before page 20. Then Harry can spend his time helping others, looking for Sumalee, trying to contact his family, and grieving/understanding this horrible tragedy. In this story, the tsunami is not simply another thing that affects Harry...it IS the story. I think it has to come way earlier and dictate everything that Harry decides to do.
Sumalee was the storyline that resonated with me, but there is so little attention paid to her after Harry and her get separated. I feel like this is a setup for a journey story of Harry and Sumalee trying to find each other in the midst of the horrible aftermath of the tsunami. I connected with their relationship, but then it goes away. If you want them to end up apart, that's fine, but I at least want to see a scene where they have to face each other.
Finally, I want to note that the tsunami was the greatest natural tragedy in modern history in terms of loss of human life. If you want to tackle this subject, first off let it be the whole story, and secondly, I think there's no room at all for comic relief. A lot of the story struck me as in bad taste. Harry's quip at the driver regarding the Bond film was very out of place. Don't show tampons going by right before dead bodies. And even the guy who was hawking phones off of the dead seemed bad. I know you were showing him in a bad light, but it's so despicable it takes me out of the story.
Even the American who took the suit off of Harry's back didn't work. Yes, he is horrible and I know I'm supposed to hate him, but after he behaves like that, shouldn't Harry be ultra-inspired to be extra good and help people. Instead, he half-asses the Sumalee search, goes home and stays to be a grandpa.
I don't mean to come down hard, but I really wanted to express my visceral reaction to a lot of the stuff. You're clearly a good screenwriter, so I wanted to be as honest as possible. read -
A review of SENIOR DISCOUNTSby jakenp on 01/29/2012Senior Discounts is a comedy that follows Saul, a successful scumbag NY lawyer. He wants to get away from a cheating fiancee and sees a news story about a sinkhole and decides to buy a house in Florida and hope for the investment to appreciate. When he arrives at his new home, he realizes it is located in a retirement community. Your concept sets up a lot of comedic potential... Senior Discounts is a comedy that follows Saul, a successful scumbag NY lawyer. He wants to get away from a cheating fiancee and sees a news story about a sinkhole and decides to buy a house in Florida and hope for the investment to appreciate. When he arrives at his new home, he realizes it is located in a retirement community.
Your concept sets up a lot of comedic potential. Old people and a selfish jackass lawyer. Some scenes approached the tone and type of humor that this script needs, the old men phallus gardening scene and the old smoker's hair catching on fire. But there was little continuity from scene to scene. I never felt a lot of conflict or tension and this led to me to not care about characters or even really the action in the story.
There was little opposition and little consequence for Saul. So what if the old folks find out that he was just trying to make a buck? I don't think he would care, and frankly, they never really get that close to finding out.
I like your instinct to make Saul grow throughout the story, but it feels largely tacked on. I need to see him be worse and I need to learn, along with him, how and why he has to change. As it is, he seems to simply start talking about legacy and then lucks into the alligator heroics. I wasn't convinced.
The relationship with Maria read as half-baked. They hit it off too quickly and they set up their first date too easily. I want to see Saul work in an interesting and unique way.
I think that this script seems like it is farther from done that it really is. But I think that what you need is a very strong A story...what you have now is a couple of B-stories and some nice side characters. Give the story some real consequences so that you stakes go way up. What does Saul really want and what is threatening it? Add a strong antagonist who is funny, interesting and really wants to stick it to Saul. If you can do these things, I think that the script will read a lot smoother and funnier.
Screenplay style-wise, too long of scene description. It was a struggle for me not to skim. Keep them short, sweet and only what's necessary.
Thanks for submitting. Best of luck. read
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Submissions by jakenp
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a screenplay by jakenp
What if the person you loved had no idea who you really were?
-
a screenplay by jakenp
What if the person you loved had no idea who you really were?
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a screenplay by jakenp
What if the person you loved had no idea who you really were?
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a screenplay by jakenpGenres: comedyHigh school senior Will wants nothing more than to fast forward to real life. But on the eve of his chance to pitch... more
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a screenplay by jakenpGenres: comedyWhen two LAPD fingerprinters see cops all around them going crooked, they figure "why not us?"
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a screenplay by jakenpA failed novelist moves back home and reconnects with his best childhood friend. Together, they discover a scavenger's... more
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a screenplay by jakenpGenres: comedyIn 1919, Bourbon County's prodigal sons have it all...then prohibition hits. Faced with losing their family farm... more
Reviews by jakenp 79
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A review of Vengeanceby jakenp on 02/07/2012Vengeance explores the classic Western premise of "main character is avenging someone's death." In this story, it is Chuck avenging his fathers. His sidekick Joe is around (with a twist at the end) and he is close with a family that keeps horses. He falls for the daughter in that family. Your story structure is actually pretty good. The twist at the end is competent. But... Vengeance explores the classic Western premise of "main character is avenging someone's death." In this story, it is Chuck avenging his fathers. His sidekick Joe is around (with a twist at the end) and he is close with a family that keeps horses. He falls for the daughter in that family.
Your story structure is actually pretty good. The twist at the end is competent. But the devil is in the details of this script.
Somehow you manage to tell a story (with an enormous amount of inherent tension) without including any conflict in any scene. Every back-and-forth plays out very convenient and polite. Way too much "hi, how are you? Good how are you?" Characters uses each other's names way too much in dialog--a totally unrealistic detail.
These characters are quite flat. It was hard for me to glean any backstory other than the stuff with the murdered dad who was in the Civil War.
The Joe twist actually might have worked, but you didn't earn it. He just out of the blue is like "oh yeah, I'm your enemy too." You need to plant seeds for that kind of stuff all through the story.
If you plan on reworking this, make sure you give your scenes and characters some texture. Give everything enough complexity and flaw and conflict that your readers can sink their teeth into. Make your script anything but boring, and you can see through what is really a pretty good premise. read -
A review of FLOOD OF TEARSby jakenp on 02/04/2012Flood of Tears is the story of a British man who is caught in the Thailand during the tragic tsunami which occurred several years back. He goes there on a vacation that his family got for him and has a romance with a woman there who is reminiscent of (or actually) a childhood memory. The tragedy prompts him to finally grieve his deceased daughter, and reconnect with his ex-wife... Flood of Tears is the story of a British man who is caught in the Thailand during the tragic tsunami which occurred several years back. He goes there on a vacation that his family got for him and has a romance with a woman there who is reminiscent of (or actually) a childhood memory. The tragedy prompts him to finally grieve his deceased daughter, and reconnect with his ex-wife.
Your format was smooth and the read never got terribly bogged down. Characters were well rounded, distinct and had good dialog. Harry is quite likable, so that's good. I was certainly intrigued with the Susie-Sue thing, but was a bit confused as to whether or not Sumalee was actually the girl from the tin, all grown up.
I think there are two major issues with the script. The first is your structure. The tsunami doesn't hit until after page 50. Such a big thing that affects the main character so greatly should come a lot earlier, I think. If you are building a script using traditional screenplay structure (and I think a story like this certainly benefits from a traditional structure) the tsunami should come before page 20. Then Harry can spend his time helping others, looking for Sumalee, trying to contact his family, and grieving/understanding this horrible tragedy. In this story, the tsunami is not simply another thing that affects Harry...it IS the story. I think it has to come way earlier and dictate everything that Harry decides to do.
Sumalee was the storyline that resonated with me, but there is so little attention paid to her after Harry and her get separated. I feel like this is a setup for a journey story of Harry and Sumalee trying to find each other in the midst of the horrible aftermath of the tsunami. I connected with their relationship, but then it goes away. If you want them to end up apart, that's fine, but I at least want to see a scene where they have to face each other.
Finally, I want to note that the tsunami was the greatest natural tragedy in modern history in terms of loss of human life. If you want to tackle this subject, first off let it be the whole story, and secondly, I think there's no room at all for comic relief. A lot of the story struck me as in bad taste. Harry's quip at the driver regarding the Bond film was very out of place. Don't show tampons going by right before dead bodies. And even the guy who was hawking phones off of the dead seemed bad. I know you were showing him in a bad light, but it's so despicable it takes me out of the story.
Even the American who took the suit off of Harry's back didn't work. Yes, he is horrible and I know I'm supposed to hate him, but after he behaves like that, shouldn't Harry be ultra-inspired to be extra good and help people. Instead, he half-asses the Sumalee search, goes home and stays to be a grandpa.
I don't mean to come down hard, but I really wanted to express my visceral reaction to a lot of the stuff. You're clearly a good screenwriter, so I wanted to be as honest as possible. read -
A review of SENIOR DISCOUNTSby jakenp on 01/29/2012Senior Discounts is a comedy that follows Saul, a successful scumbag NY lawyer. He wants to get away from a cheating fiancee and sees a news story about a sinkhole and decides to buy a house in Florida and hope for the investment to appreciate. When he arrives at his new home, he realizes it is located in a retirement community. Your concept sets up a lot of comedic potential... Senior Discounts is a comedy that follows Saul, a successful scumbag NY lawyer. He wants to get away from a cheating fiancee and sees a news story about a sinkhole and decides to buy a house in Florida and hope for the investment to appreciate. When he arrives at his new home, he realizes it is located in a retirement community.
Your concept sets up a lot of comedic potential. Old people and a selfish jackass lawyer. Some scenes approached the tone and type of humor that this script needs, the old men phallus gardening scene and the old smoker's hair catching on fire. But there was little continuity from scene to scene. I never felt a lot of conflict or tension and this led to me to not care about characters or even really the action in the story.
There was little opposition and little consequence for Saul. So what if the old folks find out that he was just trying to make a buck? I don't think he would care, and frankly, they never really get that close to finding out.
I like your instinct to make Saul grow throughout the story, but it feels largely tacked on. I need to see him be worse and I need to learn, along with him, how and why he has to change. As it is, he seems to simply start talking about legacy and then lucks into the alligator heroics. I wasn't convinced.
The relationship with Maria read as half-baked. They hit it off too quickly and they set up their first date too easily. I want to see Saul work in an interesting and unique way.
I think that this script seems like it is farther from done that it really is. But I think that what you need is a very strong A story...what you have now is a couple of B-stories and some nice side characters. Give the story some real consequences so that you stakes go way up. What does Saul really want and what is threatening it? Add a strong antagonist who is funny, interesting and really wants to stick it to Saul. If you can do these things, I think that the script will read a lot smoother and funnier.
Screenplay style-wise, too long of scene description. It was a struggle for me not to skim. Keep them short, sweet and only what's necessary.
Thanks for submitting. Best of luck. read -
A review of Herb & Jeremy in Axe Her Outby jakenp on 01/09/2012Herb and Jeremy are grown up high school losers with a grudge; they're ex-losers out for blood. But the last of their high school hot-girl tormenters has a mean streak too: she's been killing all the guys that used her for her looks. Your logline is the best I've read on triggerstreet. Great concept in the big sense with perfect, inherent, and interwoven irony. A majority... Herb and Jeremy are grown up high school losers with a grudge; they're ex-losers out for blood. But the last of their high school hot-girl tormenters has a mean streak too: she's been killing all the guys that used her for her looks.
Your logline is the best I've read on triggerstreet. Great concept in the big sense with perfect, inherent, and interwoven irony. A majority of your jokes work well and really jump off the page. Lots of clever banter and self-reflexive stuff that is actually funny...hard to do and great pay-off when it works. Your screenwriting style moves quickly and it pithy for the most part.
I like Herb and Jeremy and their relationship. They start out pretty similar with only minor differences, but I think this works in your advantage when their dynamic becomes a lot more complicated and textured. Really felt like I was in Herb's boat as the story goes on. Your act I is great. Perfect violent sexiness with enough humor, with the perfect punctuation of the Beth reveal. Great.
Act II lagged a bit for me as I never was terribly interested in Connie Calculus. I see that she is the foil to Beth, but I didn't feel like you ever really explored how Herb has to react to their differences. I'd love to see more situation stuff with the two-ladies-for-Herb thing--I think it fits with and could enhance your already comedic tone.
I had a hard time following the action exactly in the middle to end of act II. The flashback/alternate past stuff was confusing and I got lost as to the dynamics of the cat and mouse stuff.
Really great concept though. I enjoyed the read throughout despite the flaws that struck me. Thanks for the read. Concept is everything and you've got that. read -
A review of Doppelgängers_vrs2by jakenp on 12/30/2011Doppelgangers is a "Being John Malcovich" type story of a fraternity of mega celebrities, led by Rob Reiner, which has to avoid being "absorbed" by their one-in-the-world mirror image...their doppelganger. This story follows Jeff Bridges's discovery of the phenomenon as well as a floundering bass-player-nobody named Spencer who becomes his confidant out of happenstance. This... Doppelgangers is a "Being John Malcovich" type story of a fraternity of mega celebrities, led by Rob Reiner, which has to avoid being "absorbed" by their one-in-the-world mirror image...their doppelganger. This story follows Jeff Bridges's discovery of the phenomenon as well as a floundering bass-player-nobody named Spencer who becomes his confidant out of happenstance.
This was the type of read where I'd sit down with the intent to read 10 pages, then blast through 25, which is an amazing feat to achieve in a screenplay. Almost all of the dialog is awesome and perfectly clever without being too self-congratulatory or cute. Clooney cracked me up a lot. And the Shatner thing is perfect, probably the funniest detail to me. Also loved the scene where Jeff, Clooney, and Spencer are sort of mediating on fame and money and life.
I'm sure you've heard it a million times and thought about it a million times, but it is a daunting task when your whole story rests on the inclusion of a half a dozen mega celebs. I do think your page 2 disclaimer is really well done, though, and I'll shut up about casting logistics.
So, basically I like the thing, in style and substance. I will mention one pretty broad note. I think you have a protagonist...issue. Who is it? There is this celeb club, which is the establishment. Jeff Bridges is the new face in it, so he is sort of the natural protag, but then there's Spencer, who is the REAL outside man, and has these under-developed relationships with girlfriends/women and his own problems outside of the problems of the A-story.
I do like the final twist with Spencer even though it wasn't totally unexpected. And I like the Jeff Bridges stuff, as well as the relationship between them. Maybe a possible idea could be to make the celeb club a bit of a smaller emphasis and save the big exposition scene for later. Then ramp up the Spencer/Jeff stuff earlier so that it is the big A story. Then the expository celeb-club stuff comes at the beginning of act II. Then we get more of Spencer's life, more of Jeff's marriage, etc, which would have upped my investment in your protag(s).
But enough idea pitching. All in all, great read, super unique concept, very well executed. Thanks! read -
A review of The Senatorby jakenp on 12/28/2011The Senator follows Senator Raymond, a right-wing, publicly-in-the-closet gay Senator who is on the fast track to national notoriety. He has Reverend Johnson, a renowned TV preacher, on his side, and even meets with the weirdo president before delivering a speech at the Republican national convention. When the Senator's lies begin to unravel, big money people are affected,... The Senator follows Senator Raymond, a right-wing, publicly-in-the-closet gay Senator who is on the fast track to national notoriety. He has Reverend Johnson, a renowned TV preacher, on his side, and even meets with the weirdo president before delivering a speech at the Republican national convention. When the Senator's lies begin to unravel, big money people are affected, and kidnap him, threatening him and his family.
This was a pretty quick read, and you do a nice job with the biggest satirical elements of style. P.A.N.D.E.R. was pretty funny and the gospel-dome made me laugh out loud. Titan industries, etc...these details are here for sure.
But the meat of the story missed the mark for satire, for me. Satirical comedies have to have almost every element exaggerated. The one that comes to mind is Dr. Strangelove, where everyone is crazy. In The Senator, Reverend Johnson is evil and the president is a rambling weirdo, that's about it. Raymond's family is pretty vanilla and real, David is a nice guy, even the kidnappers toward the end really blended into the woodwork.
I never knew exactly what Raymond really wanted. I saw that he liked David, but he's kind of a jerk to him. He's not completely bought into the family stuff, but he rides that line for the majority of the story. I think it would help an audience if you can early on have it become apparent what Raymond wants, then make him struggle for it against all of the strange forces in the story world.
And that sort of flows into my next note, which is that the kidnapping didn't make a lot of sense to me. I think that if you had built a truly satire world throughout, then I could have gone along with what seemed to me to be a random decision on the Reverend's part to have Raymond kidnapped. (And also, I thought it was a bit of a cop out to just call the police. I feel like in real life, that 911 call would be met with a scoff, a laugh, and a hang-up.)
Finally, I would have liked to have seen more pages devoted to the latch-gate fallout. For me, this is the most dramatic part of the story, but it gets skimmed over with a montage. I want to see everyone reacting...what does David do, what does Raymond say to his family. What does the Reverend say to his congregation, his higher-ups.
The story read smoothly and did keep me engaged, I just had a hard time imagining this getting produced with such straight characters. But thanks for a good read. read -
A review of The False Flagby jakenp on 12/21/2011The False Flag follows Sean, a new CIA guy as he rebels against a despicable, secret government operation that he is assigned. The entire CIA chases him for the duration of the story, but Sean is wily and sharp. It ends in a climactic near-recreation 911-using-planes-as-weapons ploy. You have a knack for telling an engaging and exciting story. This was a quick read, despite... The False Flag follows Sean, a new CIA guy as he rebels against a despicable, secret government operation that he is assigned. The entire CIA chases him for the duration of the story, but Sean is wily and sharp. It ends in a climactic near-recreation 911-using-planes-as-weapons ploy.
You have a knack for telling an engaging and exciting story. This was a quick read, despite some overly dense pages of action direction (which I do think you can pare down significantly).
I love your beginning. Very nicely done with the false start "it was a training mission." Brianna and Jenny are nice. Kitty is pretty good once I get into her. Very high concept in a fun way that could make for a super-successful high-budget blockbuster.
I do think there is a lot of room for improvement here. I will just rattle off my thoughts. I hope they are helpful.
I think that your tone is way too whimsical. Duke is a buffoon who offers a ton of amusing (but not terribly funny); Sean smiles when he gets to listen to a classic rock song. I really feel like these moments don't work in such a sober story as the US government is doing a false flag operation to kill Americans and start a war. This story warrants a tone more in the vein of the TV show 24 or "Enemy of the State".
I think your good vs. bad is too black vs. white. The Agents and the Smoking Man seem quite cartoonish and Sean never really has to make a tough moral decision. Similarly, we never get to know Kitty, but we are expected identify with her on the simple fact that she made the decision to bail on the evil operation. Then she even becomes something of a second protagonist, as she has scenes of her own toward the end of act II.
For me, the whole Mall of America sequence seems like an act III. It's very long for such an early action sequence. It just felt dragged out.
I think you should have a scene at some point in the middle when Sean gets a hold of Brianna, pleading with her, whatever. Just have them get in touch and I bet some good drama will happen.
Some of the jumps you make seem unbelievable to me. Here's an idea pitch: what if Sean has FINALLY passed his training test and now is on the squad...a squad whose purpose he doesn't know yet? Then its on the way to the mall and at the mall that the true false flag operation becomes apparent to him. Make him (and the audience) put the pieces together, don't just have Duke do it all.
This story skewers the government pretty hard. I can't believe it. Maybe others could, but that is just my reaction. I was expecting that the whole thing was a rogue non-gov't operation (sort of like TV show "Alias")...but that is up to you.
Thanks for an engaging read. Despite my issues with this draft, the story is very enjoyable and exciting. Best of luck! read -
A review of Kung Fu Red (v2)by jakenp on 10/10/2011Good. That's my overall reaction to this script. It's not the quickest read in the world, with the jumping between the movie world and a story within a story world, but it makes up for this complexity in imagination and clever drama. This is a great, interesting, unique effort. So...well done. As it is, it is something that I would gladly watch. So take my note with that... Good. That's my overall reaction to this script. It's not the quickest read in the world, with the jumping between the movie world and a story within a story world, but it makes up for this complexity in imagination and clever drama. This is a great, interesting, unique effort. So...well done.
As it is, it is something that I would gladly watch. So take my note with that sentiment in mind. What the script reminded me of most was "Scott Pilgrim vs. the World." I'll bet you guys like that movie too.
I hate that these notes will be so sporadic. But the overall thing has cohesion, so I guess I'll have to just randomly note things I think you can improve. Forgive me.
The pairing of Shawn and Samona struck me as convenient. The teacher just says, you both want to write this thing, write it together. Too easy for me.
Shawn is a good character, but not a great one yet, for me. He's pretty reckless at the end, but I really didn't feel that from him early on. I think his ultimate fighting at school would be more interesting if it were sort of a "falling off the wagon" moment. As it is, he's just pissed at Will. Also, his cluelessness regarding race and terrorism was unbelievable, because he's pretty smart and if he really thinks like that then he's a bigot.
Your biggest moments of drama read a bit like melodrama for me. I think you can tone it down. You earn the right to treat your most dramatic moments with some subtlety. At times I felt like I was being talked down to. The instance that comes to mind is when Samona is having it out with Will and says, "My name is not Sam, it's--" and Shawn cuts her off and says "Samona." Too big, too melodrama for me. You don't need it; your story holds water without this.
I loved the moments when the real world showed up in the story, like the grandfather wandering through the story world. Consider doing it more often. Or even subtle things like passive aggressive stuff from Shawn or Samona directed at each other in story world, depending on who is telling the narrative at a certain time.
Lesbian jokes: awesome. I say call it back at the end. Maybe Samona works some lesbians into the story in the diner scene, as an olive branch.
Thanks for a great read and good luck with this script. Well done! read -
A review of Liam and Theo (2nd draft)by jakenp on 10/01/2011Liam and Theo is the story of Liam, a soldier who's assignment is to take care of an utilize his explosive and bomb finding dog, Theo. The pair is from Great Britain and is stationed in Afghanistan. The story investigates the merits and flaws of war along with the relationship between a man and his dog. I hope I can find some worthwhile critique while I'm blathering on about... Liam and Theo is the story of Liam, a soldier who's assignment is to take care of an utilize his explosive and bomb finding dog, Theo. The pair is from Great Britain and is stationed in Afghanistan. The story investigates the merits and flaws of war along with the relationship between a man and his dog.
I hope I can find some worthwhile critique while I'm blathering on about what I like about this script. For me, it's pretty spot on. Lean writing style made it a pleasurable read. Great comic relief toward the beginning set an enjoyable but foreboding tone that made me excited and terrified to get to act II. Simple yet fresh plot was easy to follow but never seemed too contrived.
Liam was a nicely textured character. I like that he is such a hothead at times. Makes for good conflict and he's always in the right, so makes us like him.
I do think that you can improve Liam and Emma's relationship. I like the meat of it, but I felt like you were beating me over the head. For instance, page 47, she pats her belly AND says "But I think I'm pregnant." I didn't need both things...seemed redundant. And their conflict all comes from Theo, just got to be a bit one-note for me. If you showed her sacrifice and compromise more, then have it culminate in some bigger moments of conflict, I think that could be more dramatic and more interesting.
The only characters that I'm really left with after reading this are Liam, Theo, and Emma. The brother and all the other soldiers weren't really memorable. Not a problem, per se, but just thought I'd mention it. Could strengthen a future draft if you just make some more resonant side characters.
When Liam's superior pretty much discharges him after the incident with the sniper, it just sort of happens that he gets some evidence that made him change his mind. Liam had no active bearing on this change of heart/fate. Would be good if Liam's goodness/hard work was the thing that saved him.
In the end Theo just sort of dies...of heartbreak? If that is what really happened, I guess it's fine, but I thought you were gonna have him sent back to Emma. Then she can love the dog b/c it's a part of Liam and we can see that all resolved in a sad but sweet way.
All in all, great story and great script. I would love to see this movie shot as is, but I hope my notes might help you out if you decide to pursue another draft. Best of luck--thanks for a great read! read -
A review of It Is What It Is (v.2)by jakenp on 09/28/2011It Is What It Is follows the story of Dave, a romantic newly single divorcee as he strikes a friendship and secret facebook affair with his beautiful lesbian co-worker. Of course, his online time with Jessica is hidden under a fake identity. They fall for each other hard. Your characters are quite likable. This is the part of your script that kept the pages flowing for me... It Is What It Is follows the story of Dave, a romantic newly single divorcee as he strikes a friendship and secret facebook affair with his beautiful lesbian co-worker. Of course, his online time with Jessica is hidden under a fake identity. They fall for each other hard.
Your characters are quite likable. This is the part of your script that kept the pages flowing for me. Dave is a good guy, and Jimmy is an excellent guy (sometimes unbelievably so--when he leaves the poker game, I thought to myself, "come on...") Jessica is a decent character, not terribly unique, but I bought that Dave and her had feelings for each other.
Your big high concept is interesting and does what any good high concept should do: make your reader able to picture the potential of the premise. Clearly, you've got the standard Rom-Com "the lovers are hiding a big lie" angle. And when that shined though, I thought those were your strongest pages.
I do think that plenty of things in this script need work. Dave first starts his fake courtship of Jessica on page 27. There is so much stuff before this, I was waiting to find out what the story was about. The stuff isn't all that bad, but it just has little to do with your story. I actually thought that the Dave-coming-home to his wife cheating scene was the funniest in the script, but I think you have to make some choices in how you put Dave in a spot where he betrays his morals and starts to trick Jessica. We see Jimmy in class, Jimmy and Dave bullshitting...all this stuff, when I really just NEED to see these things: Dave's a likeable guy, Dave's in a weird spot, Dave has feelings for Jessica, Dave's desperate enough to do something dumb and out-of-character.
So you start your story on 27, but the promise of your premise shines through only a couple of times. I felt like every 5 pages, Dave says to himself "Shit! Why am I doing this!?" And every time I said to myself, "Yeah, why is he doing this. This is dumb." Dave is a smart guy and I think he would know that this wouldn't work. I get that he was drunk when he first contacted Jessica as Olivia, but for subsequent sober weeks/months he keeps up the lie. All he would have to do is lie as Olivia to get out of the pickle...and frankly, if he really cared about Jessica, wouldn't he do this anyway to save her the long term hurt?
Maybe if it is Jessica who keeps drawing Dave back to being Olivia, I could buy it more and you could spin it as Dave's caring side not wanting to let Jessica down. Or his guilty side. Also, I think Jimmy would have a bit more clarity on the whole issue and offer real advice saying, "No, you should get out." As it is, he sort of talks a lot but offers no advice.
Dave gets pretty jealous a couple of times which makes me think he's selfish. He goes to great lengths to keep her from hooking up with girls, but in his mind there's nearly no chance that he and Jessica can end up together. Seems selfish and petty.
I never saw that Dave as Olivia and Jessica were getting all that close. There's some cute back and forths over instant messenger and there's a montage where we cut between Dave and Jessica saying how they have so much in common. I think you could show a lot more between Dave as Dave and Jessica as she tells him how happy she is with this person she's met online, etc...Might go a long way in having your reader feel the feelings that your characters have for each other. Now you have a lot of them relaying their feelings to their friends, but not a lot of actual scenes with palpable emotion.
Your scenes are way too long for me. There's a lot of conversation dialog which is devoid of jokes and feels like it is just filling up pages. When Jimmy is riffing on his theory of computers and cell phones, I couldn't wait to finish the scene. Wasn't funny and really didn't move story or reveal character. Just because Dave is smiling and shaking his head because his friend is so outrageous doesn't mean your reader is.
The resolution conveys a weird notion of sexuality. I'm not going to jump on a high horse here, but it just felt weird. Dave says online that he'd go for Jessica even if she was a guy, and she says she would too. I guess Dave would be stoked at this news, but why didn't he breach it earlier? Was this his plan all along? Would many lesbians have this capacity? Then when Dave brings a stranger (yes, Jessica has seen her picture, but a stranger), Jessica is down to meet her. Seems overly simplistic.
All in all, I think this needs a fair amount of work. I hope some of this is helpful, and with my negative notes, understand that I'm just one guy. At the end of the day, though, you've written some likable characters, and your moments of emotional crisis came through, especially the stuff between Dave and Don. read
Comments About jakenp 64
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Cobb05 on 02/08/2012
No prob. I actually like a lot of different comedies and romantic comedies. Just to name a few. History of the World Part 1, National Lampoon's Vacation, Cannonball Run, Porky's, Clue, All of Me, The Man With Two Brains, Office Space, Neighbors, Super Troopers, Dazed and Confused, Used Cars, Clerks, Dogma, Superbad, Tropic Thunder, Role Models, Sex Drive, Hot Tub Time Machine, There's Something About Mary. Romantic Comedies: Just One of the Guys, Never Again, Dummy, Modern Romance, Fatso, The Lonely Guy, Overnight Delivery, Eagle vs Shark, Harold and Maude, High Fidelity, The Wedding Singer, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I trired to make the list diverse. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 02/07/2012
A note to say thanks very much for yoru review. Thanks for your kind words. And thanks for the notes - certainly something to work on. Much appreciated! -
wlawrence on 01/23/2012
Hey Jake -- thanks a ton for the review and the kind words. They mean a lot coming from a seasoned reviewer like you. -
redofme on 01/21/2012
Hi Jake,
Thank you for taking the time to read and review Murphy's New Law. Your review touched on the difficulty we're having, the stakes are diminished while Murphy is an unstoppable force, so for pacing it's better to move the mid point backwatds, but you can only do so at the expense of character and relationship development. As far as the extending of the third act goes, we've just aired on the side of caution and brevity so far.
Thanks again for your well-considered thoughts, we hope your own writing is going well.
Richard. -
SteveJamesWriter on 01/14/2012
Jake, thanks for the review of "Life is a Drag."
You made some interesting observations. I'm kinda thinking about what you said about some goldmine comedy moments were looked over, i.e. Butch getting a ring.
Thanks,
Steve -
Captiva on 12/31/2011
Thanks so much for the review of Doppelgangers! We really appreciate your insights. Yes, protagonist issue, you nailed that one. We've been going back and forth with it for awhile. In the first version Spencer had a lot more story, and we thought it was Spencer's story, but feedback was that folks didn't care about him as much. The clincher was when it was pointed out to us that Jeff has a lot more compelling issue, ceasing to exist, so we dug in and allowed him to take over and allowed ourselves to imagine the fictional existential crisis of someone we don't know. Thanks also for mentioning our authors' note at the top of the script. We were wondering whether to include it or not. Thanks again, for taking the time to read and respond. All Best_ S&J -
David Hayes on 12/21/2011
Hey, thanks so much for the review! This was a first draft, and many of the concerns you shared, particularly tone, is something I'm already hard at work addressing.
The "black & white" aspect is also something I'm very anxious to work on. I'm ready to add some layers here.
I really do appreciate your time and thoughts and I hope to get the chance to read some of your work as well.
Take care,
-D -
snony on 10/02/2011
Hi there,
Thanks for the review of Liam and Theo. I really appreciate your thoughts and analysis and will definitely take them into account in future drafts.
Your pic looks familiar. Did you review 'Cuz' a while back?
Thanks again,
Tony -
cbaldwin31 on 09/29/2011
Jake,
Thank you so much for taking the time to review It Is What It Is. This is my first venture into writing anything or really doing anything related to film so there's definitely a steep learning curve.
I agree that the SP is slow initially and I need to tighten it up. Thank you for that suggestion. As far as why he takes so long to tell her and why he continues doing it, I'm trying to show that how conflicted he is. He knows it's wrong, but yet, he likes this girl so much that he just can't stop. I need to do a better job of trying to show this conflict.
I like your suggestion about Dave and Jessica sharing with each other how they've both met someone and will try to incorporate it. As far as the ending, I was just trying to have Dave make things whole. The romance part is big in the story, but it's also about Dave growing up, learning to do the right thing, and finally heeding the advice of his Dad. When Olivia/Natalie shows up, I want it strictly to be an introduction. I need to do a better job of explaining that.
Thanks again for your help. I really appreciate it! -
Johnstone82 on 09/28/2011
Sounds good to me. Have you made any headway since moving out there?
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Comments About jakenp 64
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Quote
No prob. I actually like a lot of different comedies and romantic comedies. Just to name a few. History of the World Part 1, National Lampoon's Vacation, Cannonball Run, Porky's, Clue, All of Me, The Man With Two Brains, Office Space, Neighbors, Super Troopers, Dazed and Confused, Used Cars, Clerks, Dogma, Superbad, Tropic Thunder, Role Models, Sex Drive, Hot Tub Time Machine, There's Something About Mary. Romantic Comedies: Just One of the Guys, Never Again, Dummy, Modern Romance, Fatso, The Lonely Guy, Overnight Delivery, Eagle vs Shark, Harold and Maude, High Fidelity, The Wedding Singer, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. I trired to make the list diverse.
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Quote
A note to say thanks very much for yoru review. Thanks for your kind words. And thanks for the notes - certainly something to work on. Much appreciated!
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Hey Jake -- thanks a ton for the review and the kind words. They mean a lot coming from a seasoned reviewer like you.
+ more commentsCobb05 on 02/08/2012
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 02/07/2012
wlawrence on 01/23/2012