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Submissions by jason0222
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Reviews by jason0222 23
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A review of Little Bobaby jason0222 on 10/15/2009Hey, Scott! jwest sent me your way, because we were discussing filming/editing. I watched all four of your short films and must say that by the time I got to this, your most recent, you had REALLY improved. WOW! Each film better than the last. But, the jump from the last to this one was huge. The change is night and day. Not only is this one better in every technical... Hey, Scott! jwest sent me your way, because we were discussing filming/editing.
I watched all four of your short films and must say that by the time I got to this, your most recent, you had REALLY improved. WOW! Each film better than the last. But, the jump from the last to this one was huge.
The change is night and day. Not only is this one better in every technical way, but it is definitely more entertaining as well. Good writing! Even the acting is at a much higher level.
So, congrats on the constant growth. Look forward to your next one. Good luck!
-J read -
A review of Black Larkby jason0222 on 10/14/2009Well, there were definitely some surprises laying in wait. I like to be tricked a little. More about that later. Oh, let's just jump on in... 1. In an upstairs window, young Philomena "PHIL" PEDRA (6) --thuds her hands on the glass. Tears run down her face. --This was an intriguing first couple lines. The rest of page one was mostly a struggle to memorize names and... Well, there were definitely some surprises laying in wait. I like to be tricked a little. More about that later.
Oh, let's just jump on in...
1. In an upstairs window, young Philomena "PHIL" PEDRA (6) --thuds her hands on the glass. Tears run down her face.
--This was an intriguing first couple lines. The rest of page one was mostly a struggle to memorize names and nicknames, ages and attributes. I'd love if you could make it flow better.
And then things get surprisingly violent. Nice.
2. A sparrow flies smack -- straight into an open, upstairs window...
-- Shouldn't the window be closed? It confuses what happened. At first I thought it flew inside the house.
-- Then there is time for Phil to climb the tree as the bird is sliding down? That's a slowww slide. It would actually bounce off. I've seen it too many times. 8(
4. Phil takes off her jacket to reveal her Mum's gold locket around her neck. How would we know Alice was her Mum? Or even James' wife? I first assumed James was Phil's brother, but that is only because the script gave his last name.
"She flicks her stereo on and twiddles..." "twiddles?" UK-ers are kooky. 8)
-- I think Suzy needs an exact age, since each teen year has its own craziness.
--James is alive! Great!! You tricked us. Most will assume both are dead. (ya got me on the ol' double reverse! but i'll leave this here to show how you did me.)
10. I like the V.O. bit as she finds the trench coat.
11. GREY
All [Pedra’s] Are Bastards.
--I don't think their name has been spoken yet. May help to say it before this. Also, only 3 letters can fit BETWEEN the knuckles. Unless you put one by the thumb.
Okay, I am being too nitpicky. I need to relax and get a better feel for the story. I'm going in. See ya later...
Pg 35. Oh fuck! You're evil. You got me good. The funny thing is, I even read in someone else's review that Phil talks to her dead father! I totally forgot. LOL!
-- Just reread all James' scenes. Cool. I dig it.
-- What I don't get is: why is this the first time they have this talk? In 12 years she never told him he's dead, or asked if he sees Mum? This can't be the 1st time she sees him, cuz she's too calm about it all. Maybe better to have them both know everything, but they rehash their old talks.
-- Then he tells her that "things don't work that way." So now he does know he's dead, and how it all works? Confusing.
38.
MEG
Girls, I expect you to be packed by the time we [get return].
39.
JAMES
Is it just you? Can anyone else [can] see me?
-- Okay, so Suzy is 14. Not "mid teens," since the teens start at 13.
50. GREY
Sir. Call me crazy.
-- Tough choice of wording here. Basically: "everyone calls me 'Sir.' Call me crazy." Or did you mean this as a joke?
62. BAILEY
Nobodies leaving...
-- Should be "Nobody's leaving..."
-- Did Swayze spook a cat in "Ghost" to help get the killer? Can't remember, but think I saw it somewhere.
69. Each girl sees different parent! Very interesting!! Though, I'd imagine a very emotional moment. Especially for Phil who was old enough to remember Mum. She'd ask suzy lots of questions and have here translate. But they gloss right over it too easily.
Okay, all done. It was decent. One thing that kept me from connecting and following everything was all the non-distinct names. Matt, Matthews and Mark were tough. Phil has a boy's name. Suzy is the only name I never struggled with. Every other name made me stop and think for a sec.
I felt some of the dialog was on the nose. Though, there was plenty of plot that needed explaining. So, it didn't bug me too much, cuz I wanted the answers. But you might still dramatize the lines more.
There seemed to be too many bad guys too. I never had any of them straight. Could you merge a few and make them more distinct and stronger?
It seemed odd that this whole movie revolved around one hand of poker that James won fair and square, then gives back most of the winnings (for what reason we don't know), and then his entire family needs to die even years later. This should have a stronger premise. Why didn't Grey just kill him at the poker table and be done with it? And you have Grey say later: "Ah well, fair’s fair." This seems inconsistent with his character.
Maybe have an even bigger boss at said game and James embarrasses Grey as he beats him consistently. When Grey takes over he wants revenge. Just a thought.
I do like the ghost idea, though you may need to explain WHY each kid can only see one. And how long has Suzy seen Mum? And why has neither kid told the other?
You may even want to have more fun with this SP, since the ghost part adds a fun touch. Like, I'd love to see James hanging outside with the bad guys and yelling all their plans to Phil inside. The bad guys would have no idea he was there and that could be fun when she anticipates and counters their every move.
The concept is pretty cool. Kinda like "Ghost" meets "The 6th Sense." Both, great movies.
And I liked your quasi-flashbacks where the lights dim and Phil can even participate in them. Pretty clever.
Okay, good times. You have a very interesting mind. I shoulda known. If you have any comments/questions, don't hesitate to write.
JJ read -
A review of COUSIN JEFFREY (re-rewrite)by jason0222 on 08/26/2009What a coincidence! Well, since you were kind enough to answer my three-headed questions, I will return the favor and give you a very thorough review. I enjoyed your detectives, so let's see whatcha got here... Well, off to a good start. I love your opening line - "It’s the morning after scene..." I notice you don't use a lot of hyphens, like in "fifties something," or... What a coincidence! Well, since you were kind enough to answer my three-headed questions, I will return the favor and give you a very thorough review. I enjoyed your detectives, so let's see whatcha got here...
Well, off to a good start. I love your opening line - "It’s the morning after scene..."
I notice you don't use a lot of hyphens, like in "fifties something," or "Four thirty." Even your opening line should have one between "morning" and "after."
You know, from some of your posts, I get the impression that you don't like to sweat the small stuff. So, my nitpickiness just may annoy you. I'm gonna TRY to not be too anal. We'll see, but it ain't gonna be easy...
Like here:
4. "Snotty nosed?" Isn't the expression "snot nosed?" Okay if she says it in her dialog, but then you say it in action, too. And I don't think it refers to being snotty. Maybe you're mixing two different things here?
5. What kind of poker room is it, casino? Is there a dealer? Though, I do enjoy your bare-bones approach, it's short and sweet, and shows that all the rent money might've just gotten "flushed" away.
6.
JEFFERY
Yes. Will you be needing anything else? Perhaps you'd like to take a sample of my blood.
--Come on, you're better than that. It could be less wordy and more obnoxious. Something like: "What, no stool sample?" I've heard the "sample of my blood" line many times.
7. JEFFREY - "Bloody hell!"
--Ha! Simple and funny. Would love to see the agent hint at a smirk, to reinforce how his obnoxiousness effects others. And so we can enjoy his comeuppance through her eyes.
8 - 9. Vince describing losing the money is great! This type of scene is where you really shine in your writing.
10. Would be funny if the same agent has switched to Jeffrey's new line now. It'll feel like she could've possibly helped him before.
--And again, Jeffrey's speech is too long and not funny.
JEFFERY
Yes. I'll cherish the few hours I have left considering I've spent the better part of my holiday waiting in line at the bloody airport.
--Just snap off a quick retort that sums him up AND makes us laugh.
--This is more like it:
JEFFERY
Out of my way[ ] you imbecile.
Walter steps to the side as Jeffery storms past.
--Funny! But don't forget the comma.
17. How can Jeffrey hear them, but they can't hear him, and he must be screaming even louder than them. And how is he just passing them when his boat already left and they only walked in a straight line on the dock? Sounds impossible.
19. JIMMY (EA)...(ENGLISH ACCENT)
--Accents normally go under the name.
20. JIMMY (EA)
He’s joking[]
-- Forgot a period. I will now stop pointing out all the little typos. I might also suggest just saying that Jimmy speaks in an accent whenever around the family, and remind us with his British vernacular now and then. The (EA) thing will get old fast.
--I also can't help thinking how much more fun it'd be to give Vince the accent. He could sail with that. Don't see Jimmy as the talented accent kinda guy. Though, it would change your entire movie, but thought I'd throw it out there. Not just anyone can pull off an accent like that. Not consistently. Maybe if he mocks a Brit earlier? And Vince mentions how perfectly he does that?
32.
JIMMY (EA)
I'm really sorry there aren't any peanuts. But I could order some nachos and throw those on the floor if you'd like.
--Funny!
40. Jimmy never says ANYTHING British. You need to juice that up. A "Cheers" once in a while can go a long way. Or he overdoes it with a righty-ho or two, and people look at him funny.
41. "Vince steps up and swings. His racket collides with Jimmy's head. It's a nasty blow."
--This happens so fast, out of nowhere, before they even get started. And I laughed out loud... at the library.
And then: VINCE - "You’re in the clear." LMAO!
43.
VINCE
You've had that silly grin on your face ever [sense]...
44.
MELISSA
Was that a good year for parties?
--Funny line. But this, plus the previous egg-beating/omelet stuff makes her out to be a dumb blonde all of a sudden. This is not how she was portrayed earlier, I don't think.
47. Walter says he's worried the girls will get hurt, yet makes no statement about not hurting them or offer a plan going forward. He should do both.
48. JEFFREY - "Look! It’s Moby dick!"
--C'mon now, you are way better than that. And if the captains eyes are already closed, then just going and grabbing the gun makes the most sense. Not risking waking the captain. And suddenly they all speak English? "Yes Captain," without subtitles now.
--I notice you have inconsistencies with spacing. Sometimes it's one space after periods, sometimes two.
66. EXT. FISHING BOAT - DAY
--Why slug this twice. Maybe just a LATER, or MOMENTS LATER?
72.
VINCE
His parents found him on the back porch when he was an infant.
--That's a nice little surprise. Didn't see it coming, good.
78.
JOAN
I told him I was a lesbian. Right before I slept with him.
--Nice! I had my suspicions she was full of it, but then they went away. Good, patient writing.
96.
WALTER
The Sinclairs have decided to depart in a few days.
--Might be better to say "tomorrow." Ratchet up the urgency.
--Where are they living now? What happened to their appartment?
--Great fliers!
--Do actual fireworks go off both times they kiss? Is it in their heads or is it a major coincidence?
--Nice ending. Overall, a very decent flick. Reminds me of "Overboard," which I loved!
I liked Joan and Vince the most. All the characters had their own voices, which is great. I like how you keep it all very simple and fast-paced.
Your structure is right on. You wove Jeffrey's subplot into the whole very well. I like how he came out okay in the end. Most would just leave him in a big vat of fish oil or something. This took it to a whole... nutha... level.
Even Walter's gettin' some strange on the side. Sweet.
I definitely think you should go comb through for all the typos, of which there are tons! People will trust you more if they don't keep stumbling over these.
Regardless, this is getting high marks from me. It was a pleasure and I would certainly pay to see it.
Best of luck!
-Jason read
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Submissions by jason0222
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Reviews by jason0222 23
-
A review of Little Bobaby jason0222 on 10/15/2009Hey, Scott! jwest sent me your way, because we were discussing filming/editing. I watched all four of your short films and must say that by the time I got to this, your most recent, you had REALLY improved. WOW! Each film better than the last. But, the jump from the last to this one was huge. The change is night and day. Not only is this one better in every technical... Hey, Scott! jwest sent me your way, because we were discussing filming/editing.
I watched all four of your short films and must say that by the time I got to this, your most recent, you had REALLY improved. WOW! Each film better than the last. But, the jump from the last to this one was huge.
The change is night and day. Not only is this one better in every technical way, but it is definitely more entertaining as well. Good writing! Even the acting is at a much higher level.
So, congrats on the constant growth. Look forward to your next one. Good luck!
-J read -
A review of Black Larkby jason0222 on 10/14/2009Well, there were definitely some surprises laying in wait. I like to be tricked a little. More about that later. Oh, let's just jump on in... 1. In an upstairs window, young Philomena "PHIL" PEDRA (6) --thuds her hands on the glass. Tears run down her face. --This was an intriguing first couple lines. The rest of page one was mostly a struggle to memorize names and... Well, there were definitely some surprises laying in wait. I like to be tricked a little. More about that later.
Oh, let's just jump on in...
1. In an upstairs window, young Philomena "PHIL" PEDRA (6) --thuds her hands on the glass. Tears run down her face.
--This was an intriguing first couple lines. The rest of page one was mostly a struggle to memorize names and nicknames, ages and attributes. I'd love if you could make it flow better.
And then things get surprisingly violent. Nice.
2. A sparrow flies smack -- straight into an open, upstairs window...
-- Shouldn't the window be closed? It confuses what happened. At first I thought it flew inside the house.
-- Then there is time for Phil to climb the tree as the bird is sliding down? That's a slowww slide. It would actually bounce off. I've seen it too many times. 8(
4. Phil takes off her jacket to reveal her Mum's gold locket around her neck. How would we know Alice was her Mum? Or even James' wife? I first assumed James was Phil's brother, but that is only because the script gave his last name.
"She flicks her stereo on and twiddles..." "twiddles?" UK-ers are kooky. 8)
-- I think Suzy needs an exact age, since each teen year has its own craziness.
--James is alive! Great!! You tricked us. Most will assume both are dead. (ya got me on the ol' double reverse! but i'll leave this here to show how you did me.)
10. I like the V.O. bit as she finds the trench coat.
11. GREY
All [Pedra’s] Are Bastards.
--I don't think their name has been spoken yet. May help to say it before this. Also, only 3 letters can fit BETWEEN the knuckles. Unless you put one by the thumb.
Okay, I am being too nitpicky. I need to relax and get a better feel for the story. I'm going in. See ya later...
Pg 35. Oh fuck! You're evil. You got me good. The funny thing is, I even read in someone else's review that Phil talks to her dead father! I totally forgot. LOL!
-- Just reread all James' scenes. Cool. I dig it.
-- What I don't get is: why is this the first time they have this talk? In 12 years she never told him he's dead, or asked if he sees Mum? This can't be the 1st time she sees him, cuz she's too calm about it all. Maybe better to have them both know everything, but they rehash their old talks.
-- Then he tells her that "things don't work that way." So now he does know he's dead, and how it all works? Confusing.
38.
MEG
Girls, I expect you to be packed by the time we [get return].
39.
JAMES
Is it just you? Can anyone else [can] see me?
-- Okay, so Suzy is 14. Not "mid teens," since the teens start at 13.
50. GREY
Sir. Call me crazy.
-- Tough choice of wording here. Basically: "everyone calls me 'Sir.' Call me crazy." Or did you mean this as a joke?
62. BAILEY
Nobodies leaving...
-- Should be "Nobody's leaving..."
-- Did Swayze spook a cat in "Ghost" to help get the killer? Can't remember, but think I saw it somewhere.
69. Each girl sees different parent! Very interesting!! Though, I'd imagine a very emotional moment. Especially for Phil who was old enough to remember Mum. She'd ask suzy lots of questions and have here translate. But they gloss right over it too easily.
Okay, all done. It was decent. One thing that kept me from connecting and following everything was all the non-distinct names. Matt, Matthews and Mark were tough. Phil has a boy's name. Suzy is the only name I never struggled with. Every other name made me stop and think for a sec.
I felt some of the dialog was on the nose. Though, there was plenty of plot that needed explaining. So, it didn't bug me too much, cuz I wanted the answers. But you might still dramatize the lines more.
There seemed to be too many bad guys too. I never had any of them straight. Could you merge a few and make them more distinct and stronger?
It seemed odd that this whole movie revolved around one hand of poker that James won fair and square, then gives back most of the winnings (for what reason we don't know), and then his entire family needs to die even years later. This should have a stronger premise. Why didn't Grey just kill him at the poker table and be done with it? And you have Grey say later: "Ah well, fair’s fair." This seems inconsistent with his character.
Maybe have an even bigger boss at said game and James embarrasses Grey as he beats him consistently. When Grey takes over he wants revenge. Just a thought.
I do like the ghost idea, though you may need to explain WHY each kid can only see one. And how long has Suzy seen Mum? And why has neither kid told the other?
You may even want to have more fun with this SP, since the ghost part adds a fun touch. Like, I'd love to see James hanging outside with the bad guys and yelling all their plans to Phil inside. The bad guys would have no idea he was there and that could be fun when she anticipates and counters their every move.
The concept is pretty cool. Kinda like "Ghost" meets "The 6th Sense." Both, great movies.
And I liked your quasi-flashbacks where the lights dim and Phil can even participate in them. Pretty clever.
Okay, good times. You have a very interesting mind. I shoulda known. If you have any comments/questions, don't hesitate to write.
JJ read -
A review of COUSIN JEFFREY (re-rewrite)by jason0222 on 08/26/2009What a coincidence! Well, since you were kind enough to answer my three-headed questions, I will return the favor and give you a very thorough review. I enjoyed your detectives, so let's see whatcha got here... Well, off to a good start. I love your opening line - "It’s the morning after scene..." I notice you don't use a lot of hyphens, like in "fifties something," or... What a coincidence! Well, since you were kind enough to answer my three-headed questions, I will return the favor and give you a very thorough review. I enjoyed your detectives, so let's see whatcha got here...
Well, off to a good start. I love your opening line - "It’s the morning after scene..."
I notice you don't use a lot of hyphens, like in "fifties something," or "Four thirty." Even your opening line should have one between "morning" and "after."
You know, from some of your posts, I get the impression that you don't like to sweat the small stuff. So, my nitpickiness just may annoy you. I'm gonna TRY to not be too anal. We'll see, but it ain't gonna be easy...
Like here:
4. "Snotty nosed?" Isn't the expression "snot nosed?" Okay if she says it in her dialog, but then you say it in action, too. And I don't think it refers to being snotty. Maybe you're mixing two different things here?
5. What kind of poker room is it, casino? Is there a dealer? Though, I do enjoy your bare-bones approach, it's short and sweet, and shows that all the rent money might've just gotten "flushed" away.
6.
JEFFERY
Yes. Will you be needing anything else? Perhaps you'd like to take a sample of my blood.
--Come on, you're better than that. It could be less wordy and more obnoxious. Something like: "What, no stool sample?" I've heard the "sample of my blood" line many times.
7. JEFFREY - "Bloody hell!"
--Ha! Simple and funny. Would love to see the agent hint at a smirk, to reinforce how his obnoxiousness effects others. And so we can enjoy his comeuppance through her eyes.
8 - 9. Vince describing losing the money is great! This type of scene is where you really shine in your writing.
10. Would be funny if the same agent has switched to Jeffrey's new line now. It'll feel like she could've possibly helped him before.
--And again, Jeffrey's speech is too long and not funny.
JEFFERY
Yes. I'll cherish the few hours I have left considering I've spent the better part of my holiday waiting in line at the bloody airport.
--Just snap off a quick retort that sums him up AND makes us laugh.
--This is more like it:
JEFFERY
Out of my way[ ] you imbecile.
Walter steps to the side as Jeffery storms past.
--Funny! But don't forget the comma.
17. How can Jeffrey hear them, but they can't hear him, and he must be screaming even louder than them. And how is he just passing them when his boat already left and they only walked in a straight line on the dock? Sounds impossible.
19. JIMMY (EA)...(ENGLISH ACCENT)
--Accents normally go under the name.
20. JIMMY (EA)
He’s joking[]
-- Forgot a period. I will now stop pointing out all the little typos. I might also suggest just saying that Jimmy speaks in an accent whenever around the family, and remind us with his British vernacular now and then. The (EA) thing will get old fast.
--I also can't help thinking how much more fun it'd be to give Vince the accent. He could sail with that. Don't see Jimmy as the talented accent kinda guy. Though, it would change your entire movie, but thought I'd throw it out there. Not just anyone can pull off an accent like that. Not consistently. Maybe if he mocks a Brit earlier? And Vince mentions how perfectly he does that?
32.
JIMMY (EA)
I'm really sorry there aren't any peanuts. But I could order some nachos and throw those on the floor if you'd like.
--Funny!
40. Jimmy never says ANYTHING British. You need to juice that up. A "Cheers" once in a while can go a long way. Or he overdoes it with a righty-ho or two, and people look at him funny.
41. "Vince steps up and swings. His racket collides with Jimmy's head. It's a nasty blow."
--This happens so fast, out of nowhere, before they even get started. And I laughed out loud... at the library.
And then: VINCE - "You’re in the clear." LMAO!
43.
VINCE
You've had that silly grin on your face ever [sense]...
44.
MELISSA
Was that a good year for parties?
--Funny line. But this, plus the previous egg-beating/omelet stuff makes her out to be a dumb blonde all of a sudden. This is not how she was portrayed earlier, I don't think.
47. Walter says he's worried the girls will get hurt, yet makes no statement about not hurting them or offer a plan going forward. He should do both.
48. JEFFREY - "Look! It’s Moby dick!"
--C'mon now, you are way better than that. And if the captains eyes are already closed, then just going and grabbing the gun makes the most sense. Not risking waking the captain. And suddenly they all speak English? "Yes Captain," without subtitles now.
--I notice you have inconsistencies with spacing. Sometimes it's one space after periods, sometimes two.
66. EXT. FISHING BOAT - DAY
--Why slug this twice. Maybe just a LATER, or MOMENTS LATER?
72.
VINCE
His parents found him on the back porch when he was an infant.
--That's a nice little surprise. Didn't see it coming, good.
78.
JOAN
I told him I was a lesbian. Right before I slept with him.
--Nice! I had my suspicions she was full of it, but then they went away. Good, patient writing.
96.
WALTER
The Sinclairs have decided to depart in a few days.
--Might be better to say "tomorrow." Ratchet up the urgency.
--Where are they living now? What happened to their appartment?
--Great fliers!
--Do actual fireworks go off both times they kiss? Is it in their heads or is it a major coincidence?
--Nice ending. Overall, a very decent flick. Reminds me of "Overboard," which I loved!
I liked Joan and Vince the most. All the characters had their own voices, which is great. I like how you keep it all very simple and fast-paced.
Your structure is right on. You wove Jeffrey's subplot into the whole very well. I like how he came out okay in the end. Most would just leave him in a big vat of fish oil or something. This took it to a whole... nutha... level.
Even Walter's gettin' some strange on the side. Sweet.
I definitely think you should go comb through for all the typos, of which there are tons! People will trust you more if they don't keep stumbling over these.
Regardless, this is getting high marks from me. It was a pleasure and I would certainly pay to see it.
Best of luck!
-Jason read -
A review of ZACK'S MACHINEby jason0222 on 08/22/2009Wow, this video of yours caught me right off guard. It's the first short film I've reviewed on here, so I hope I follow whatever the guidelines are. I somehow thought the synopsis said it was a puppet, not a puppy! No idea why I would want to even see a puppet movie. LOL Anyhow, I will admit that I got a bit teary through a good half of this thing. What a great concept... Wow, this video of yours caught me right off guard. It's the first short film I've reviewed on here, so I hope I follow whatever the guidelines are.
I somehow thought the synopsis said it was a puppet, not a puppy! No idea why I would want to even see a puppet movie. LOL
Anyhow, I will admit that I got a bit teary through a good half of this thing. What a great concept. I almost ended it halfway through cuz I didn't want my emotions to get jerked around too much, and then -BAM!- you totally switched it up and the bastard actually came home! Great.
And yet, you weren't done with me. Where's the pooch? Oh no, it's in the toilet! Oh no, it got flushed somehow. Wait, I hear a whimper. Whew... Like a roller coaster. Really great!
Thanks for that. It reminded just how much that day has sunken to the back of my mind. It also forced me to think about aspects of that event I hadn't ever considered before. The news sterilizes it to unseen faces and numbers.
Your editing was crisp and smooth. The actors were superb. Way to go!
Good luck,
-Jason read -
A review of THE BABY CLIFFby jason0222 on 08/17/2009I have thoroughly enjoyed this script! You are an excellent story teller and an even better wordsmith. There are several things that I believe could use some help, but overall, I loved it. It took me forever to finish, cuz I was savoring it most of the way through and I didn't want to miss anything. Okay, here we go: I like your title, but am not sure it is the sum... I have thoroughly enjoyed this script! You are an excellent story teller and an even better wordsmith.
There are several things that I believe could use some help, but overall, I loved it. It took me forever to finish, cuz I was savoring it most of the way through and I didn't want to miss anything.
Okay, here we go:
I like your title, but am not sure it is the sum of what your movie is about. Aside from the documentaries and a few scenes/mentions about babies, it almost seemed like a side theme. It added to a nice ending, if she actually was pregnant, which I assume she was, but it seemed uncertain. And parents might imagine this will be a movie about life with kids. And your poster makes it seem like it will be a kids' movie. Hmm...
Here are notes as I read:
EDDIE
Who would you like me to make this vagina out to?
--Hysterical!
4. I really like this exchange.
BRANDY
I have a hostile womb.
STACY
Who doesn't? Listen...
5. "Stacy the Gorilla does the pee-pee dance."
--This is great, too. You make sure we picture her in the costume during the pee-pee dance. And you word it playfully.
--Again - "Brandy hangs her colossal head." Perfect! And she got her friend fired. A lot happened in a short period. Great lines as boss mocks Stacy's complaints too. Though I would have liked to see Brandy struggle with telling stacy she was fired. She seems mad, but wouldn't she feel bad? Unless she is pretty cold or self-centered. It could be fun if she just mentions a place that's hiring.
6. "Brandy shoots a loaded look[s] at the Bellevue letter."
--I have already noticed several typos like this.
--Setting a watch for your period is great! That should be a standard setting on watches.
16.
JULIAN
So, Mr. Thumb, are you happy
With your current representation?
AYLA
Don't answer that.
--Just great. As if in court, and insecure as well.
17. This one I don't buy:
Brandy rips the phone out of his hand, puts it to her ear.
AUTOMATED VOICE
(filtered)
At the tone, the time will be --
--How could that recording come to be? Especially if he just flipped open the phone without dialing. It should be no sound at all.
--I wonder why you put in all the transitions. A new scene heading should be enough to know we're cutting away. I know it was popular once, but not so much anymore.
22. This dialogue heading has redundancy:
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
23. "Nets, rigging and fish guts litter the deck. You'd need a tetanus shot just to look at it."
--Wow, I really appreciate your action lines! It adds such a nice element to the read. It is rare that I'm not racing through to the end, but I am just taking my sweet time here.
I also like how when we first meet Tucker, you say we are "SOMEWHERE," so we won't know right away that Brandy is about to be found on this boat. For a second I thought she was dead and we were just starting a whole new story. Nice.
23. "[An] plump hand named CHUB..."
24. A little too expository:
TUCKER
You know I need to protect my hands, Nino. They're my bread and butter. I'm a musician.
--Maybe if Tucker raised his hands like a surgeon and said something like: "A musician must protect his instruments." Obviously, you don't really need my help, but I thought I'd toss it out there. I kinda felt this too when his dad told him what to call him in front of the crew. I'd imagine they've said these things many times.
--Love that Brandy's suitcase splats on deck first!
--And then: "...except Nino, who glares upward.
NINO
(to God)
Show off.
--This just shows how you pay attention to every little detail. Very rich.
--What a fantastic montage! Though "series of scenes" might be more accurate. And you may need to replace Bea Arthur, since she died. You have many payoffs from earlier setups, nothing extraneous. Great work. And funny. And reveals character. Great ending with the watch alarm. Loved it!
I would suggest not adding "OVER WEEKS" next to "MONTAGE." Show us instead. I think a perfect way would be to have Tucker grow a beard that is full and bushy by the end. This will also show that he neglected himself as he cared for her. He can always shave it after.
36. I want to make a prediction, I hope comes true. Great stuff with her grabbing for the VHS tapes and all, and I'm hoping that she watches it and finds how kindly Tucker treated her, all the while falling for him. That would be awesome and I think you're the man to pull it off. Let's find out, shall we?
-Well, so far she sees a couple clips and nothing. I like that a lot. You show patience. I know it's coming! If not, I may have to go back and erase all this. Ha!
37. Some of your slugs can be simplified for better flow:
EXT. GLOUCESTER HOTEL ROOM -- LATER
--This could just say LATER, since you've established the rest already. It'd look better too.
--I'm surprised she isn't more surprised to find her manuscript. And did Tucker just leave it on the floor outside her room?! What if it got stolen?
38. "The Life & Death Of Mrs. Wattlebottom, Starring Stacy Pepper."
--Well I sure couldn't've predicted this! You've managed to sum up how the world has been impacted by her disappearance without telling us. Great!
39. "...bedazzled leotard with [an] sparkling image..." and "[Brandy's] picks her jaw off the floor."
--No more typo notes, It's slowing me down.
--Okay! Here we go... she sees Tucker being nice on the tape. I knew you'd come through, you tease! Very well done, too. Simple and direct.
44. The ghost scene is a little hokey. Not too believable. Twelve laxatives a day for a month, ouch. Too much. This whole scene felt out of place, IMO.
51. Oh crap, the phone message -beep- scene is hysterical. And he has no idea that she got 8 messages, and worse, thinks he called 8 different times. And she has no idea it was just one call. Though even if she did, she might still think him too desperate by trying to perfect his message. And then she hurts his poor feelings. 8-(
-- You're playing with my emotions, man... Good work.
60. "...hands Julian a one hundred dollar bill as a peace offering. He snatches it, verifies it's authenticity."
--Very funny, and I swear I actually envisioned it.
72. The first page of the green-paint scene was very hard to figure out. I finally did, but you might wanna simplify.
73.
LEANNE
How about one of those sites I've heard about on the [Internet machine]?
--This has been done a lot. And having a kid, she'd have to be internet savvy, unless she's joking.
74. --I tried my hardest to figure out what the following means. Haven't a clue:
JO
What happens in the labyrinth stays in the labyrinth.
CHUB
You said you were never actually "with" Tucker. I have to tell him. He's my best bucko.
JO
"Howdy-Nudie," Chub.
CHUB
What if Tucker caves first?
JO
Then things would be different.
--Though, I did understand the Jo and Tucker stuff leading up to it. **Even after finishing the script, I still don't get it. Try to simplify, be less vague. Parts of it I think I understand, then a line negates what I thought.
89. "We mercifully cut to --"
--That's just too damn funny!!
--How did the cannons become loaded? And why did Brandy keep lighting dud cannons?
110. "Brandy stares at a pregnancy test. Blank. She stares more. Still blank. More staring. Blank as ever. She keeps her eyes locked on it and with the next BEEP we cut to BLACK."
--What's blank, her eyes or the test? And didn't she miss her period back before she even started on her novel? Wouldn't she be a mommy by now?
Over time I kinda grew weary with the story. For the first 2/3 I was riveted. I laughed a lot and really enjoyed your personal touches. At some point, maybe I'm just tired, it seemed like you were forcing things. So much was happening in the third act it was dizzying. And some of the lines started missing more.
I wasn't crazy about the guinea pig stuff, or the Yoda thread, though if that one was MORE subtle, I would've liked it better. I guess cuz some of your humor was just so far above some of the lower brow stuff, it highlighted it more.
I thought your characters were pretty good. Everyone was distinct. Not sure the father needed a peg leg and all. It seemed like the movie wasn't exactly sure what it wanted to be and we ended up with a bit of a hodgepodge.
But,
I still loved it, dammit! I'm confused at that. I think more than anything, your style gripped me and I felt connected to you throughout the story and it was somehow comforting. Does that make any sense? I dunno.
Anyhow, I'm giving it very high marks and I hope to run into your work again down the road. You can go as far as you choose, cuz you have all the skill it takes.
-Jason read -
A review of FU Loveby jason0222 on 08/13/2009Extremely fast read. A lot of your dialogue reminds me of how my buddies and I talk. There was definitely some humorous stuff here, I had a few laughs. Though, I wish there would have been less dialogue, so you could've added more nuance in the actions. You even wrote: "A picture's worth a 1,000 words." That will serve you well if you follow that idea. Your title intrigued... Extremely fast read. A lot of your dialogue reminds me of how my buddies and I talk. There was definitely some humorous stuff here, I had a few laughs.
Though, I wish there would have been less dialogue, so you could've added more nuance in the actions.
You even wrote: "A picture's worth a 1,000 words." That will serve you well if you follow that idea.
Your title intrigued me. Though I keep thinking it says Foo Love. Maybe you could tweak it. F U Love? Or F-U Love? Though, I'm not sure if it really fits your story. Where was the love? Or is it more like a fuck-you to love? Not sure.
Your logline promises a movie that will be documented, but it stopped so soon and disappeared. If you take that out of your logline, it may work better, or use it throughout the script. And then it didn't even matter in the end. The whole premise of your movie evolves around that hook and it is simply dismissed by the professor in the end, without so much as a viewing. Pretty anti-climactic.
I am not sure what your theme was. And I can't tell what the inciting incident really was or when the new acts began. I would say you need to refocus your efforts and pick one main idea you want us to leave with. Something like "bros before hos" kinda works for this type of humor. And every scene should reflect it in some way.
There was a lot of hi-how-ya-doing scenes. Think of starting scenes late and leaving early.
Here is an example of stagnant dialogue:
Pg. 37
NICK
Hey! Jimmy!
JIMMY
Oh, hey.
NICK
What are you doing here?
JIMMY
Same as you I suppose.
NICK
Right. I guess that makes
sense.
JIMMY
How’ve you been?
NICK
Can’t complain. How ‘bout
you? Hangin’ in there?
Jimmy seems a bit confused at the question.
JIMMY
Um, yeah, I suppose.
--though, the rest of the scene is great! I love the football moves and knocking over the grocery display.
105. This was clever and what I referenced earlier:
MICHAEL
I did even better. At thirty
frames per second, there must
be close to a hundred thousand
stills there. And if a
picture’s worth a thousand
words, that’s what, like ten
million words?
The main conflict seemed to involve other people, like the stuff with accidentally spilling the pregnancy news. Michael seemed to be the main character, but his life was kinda boring compared to the rest. Maybe merge a few characters into one and pour all the conflict into a smaller cup.
I think this could become a decent story, but it will take some serious effort. I would call this the first draft. Remember: writing is rewriting. It ain't easy!
Best of luck.
-Jason read -
A review of LIBERTYby jason0222 on 08/03/2009Let me just start out by saying WOW! This is not a movie that would normally interest me, but, luckily, I have seen you around and was curious to see what a revered, acclaimed reviewer writes like. 8-) Well, I was hooked from the get-go. You will soon be too big for Triggerstreet's britches. Okay, here is what I found as I read. I wonder why Josiah hasn't slept with... Let me just start out by saying WOW! This is not a movie that would normally interest me, but, luckily, I have seen you around and was curious to see what a revered, acclaimed reviewer writes like. 8-)
Well, I was hooked from the get-go. You will soon be too big for Triggerstreet's britches.
Okay, here is what I found as I read.
I wonder why Josiah hasn't slept with Ellen before now. Could you find a way to make it more plausible?
pg13 - whispering romantically:
JOSIAH
You’re the only one I can stand to
look at.
--That's awesome! And quite romantic. 8-)
Pg19 The following seems clunky:
EXT. COLLINS PLANTATION / GROUNDS - DAY
Small groups of slaves, overseers, and plantation hands stream in the same direction, converging at:
EXT. SLAUGHTER PEN - DAY
Everyone funnels inside.
INT. SLAUGHTER PEN - DAY
--I wonder if they could just funnel inside and skip the other two headings. Or, at least, merge the first two. Also, I don't think you need to keep writing the time of day when it doesn't change and the scenes are in the same general area. It'll make for a smoother flow.
--Maybe have Josiah emphasize more strongly that if she doesn't finish the sewing, she ain't going. This will further highlight how overwhelming her sewing task is, and his intention to not let her travel.
Pg31 -
SLAVE PATROLMAN #3
[n]igger preacher, huh?
--Not capitalized. Wow, that is the only typo I noticed, thus far. Very impressive.
--Maybe you can *emphasize* how Ellen looks like a man once she's dressed up. She'd have to to make this work. And her black traits must be extremely minimal. I wonder how she's described in the story you based this on. Also, it is very rare a woman could sound like a man, unless she sounded close to begin with. But if you build it into your story... maybe she imitates/mocks Josiah when she's mad? Or she at least practices and sounds surprisingly like a man. It just all came too easily to her. As it stands now, I am envisioning a pretty, light-skinned woman trying to buy a train ticket, and I am imagining her chin dipping down to try and talk deeply, as most would. It seems silly in my head. So help me see it better. I will believe with your help. I want to.
Pg34 -
ELLEN
Augh! Son of a bitch!
MACON TICKET CLERK
What in the--?
--What does the clerk mean by his line? Is Ellen's "son of a bitch" a slave expression? Or is it because she dropped the quill?
--Maybe have William really be impressed at how well she passes for a white man. I know he saw her in candlelight, but at the train station is different. Plus, this is the first time he hears the deep voice.
Pg39 -
CEPHAS
Yes sir, I am a-workin'. I'ma do some sewin' today, and I hope some reapin' tomorrow.
Josiah turns, his face lighting up.
--Excellent! This is some good quality writing. You epitomize "writing with authority." There are several things that I never see in SPs, but because you write so confidently, I assume you are right and maybe I should develop your style. Like writing in italics. I always read NOT to do that. Then I see how well it flows here when people think or sing. And your use of colons before speeches. But I accept it. No idea if any pros will hold it against you, but lately I am starting to believe that the main objective is to write in such a way as to to be fully understood. And you have zero issues there. Not sure of my overall point with this, just thinking out loud. You also don't capitalize sounds, which I keep debating. I think it flows better without.
They can always be added to the shooting script, I guess. Okay, back to it...
--Katherine and Ellen on the train was a little far-fetched for me. I liked it, but, maybe too coincidental.
Pg44 -
JOSIAH
Cloyce, go home. Tell my wife I'll be in Washington D.C.
--Does Josiah not know Katherine is going to the sermon and is not home?
Pg48 - What a fantastic exchange between William and Ellen. I am fully invested now. You have obviously taken the time to flesh out the subtlest details and it is very rich.
Pg50 - Okay, this is just superb:
ELLEN
Where is my lazy, good-for-nothin' slave?
William steps toward her, uncertain - Ellen grabs his shirtfront and hurls him out the exit.
ELLEN
You goddamn black sonofabitch, the next time I tell you to do somethin', you goddamn well do it!
EXT. TRAIN PLATFORM - CONTINUOUS
She shoves him down the stairs, and he stumbles, trying to keep from falling.
ELLEN
Don't you run away from me, goddammit! Catch that nigger!
She catches him herself, and rains blows on his head and shoulders.
--Damn scene actually brought tears to my eyes. I have no idea why, but it happened immediately and only got worse.
Pg51 - ELLEN "Is that [ ] you want?"
Pg52 - Okay, this is the last exchange I will praise:
ELLEN
I couldn't think of any other way.
I'm sorry for hittin' you.
WILLIAM
And kickin'.
ELLEN
Sorry.
WILLIAM
Said some mighty ugly things, too.
ELLEN
You know I don't mean any of that.
WILLIAM
I thought I know you, but you got a foul mouth, girl.
ELLEN
I'm only tryin' to--
WILLIAM
Don't sound like no church choir leader, that's for sure.
--Absolutely fantastic! And yet so simple. Mmm...
Pg54 -
EXT. S.S. GENERAL CLINCH / GANGWAY - NIGHT
The gangway sways slightly as Ellen and William board the steamship S.S. General Clinch.
--I'd avoid repeating the slugline in the action. You do it twice here. Which brings up another point: your slugs are kinda clunky. It might serve you to simplify, mainly for the sake of flow. I keep having to pause to aborb all the info you squeeze in there. Like this one, couldn't you just slug the ship? And then the gangway in the action block? Also, adding what city and state they are in does not seem necessary. Is it even filmable? I could see it helping in a shooting script.
--I don't think all these minor roles, like clerks, need an exact age. 20s is better than 24, IMO.
PG64 -
WILLIAM
It weren't a real marriage, and it [weren't weren't] our idea.
Pg72 - "[Latshw] pats them both..."
Pg80 - How great that you have turned the tables with the maroons. Now William is the respected one.
--Terrific sermon with the maroons. I am very sad they left so soon. Why would they not choose to make this their home? You may need to convince us of this decision. They face misery, torture and death by leaving. Nothing but love if they stay.
Pg100 - Okay, just one more:
ELLEN
No, sir. But if any man calls me a Damned Abolitionist, I shall be honor-bound to shoot him for the slander!
An eruption of laughter and applause. Ellen endures a drunken mauling as she and William step over Preston's prostrate form - hand shaken, back slapped, toasts drunk to her health.
--Every single word of that is brilliant!
--I loved the climax with Josiah! Didn't see that coming at all. Very well set up. Very enjoyable. And just when I asked myself if he suffered enough -THUNK!- "Dark blood hemorrhages from his mouth, nose, and ears as his body is slowly, inexorably ground through an aperture that is far too small for it."
--Yeah, that oughta do it. I know he was already dead, but I still craved that extra cherry on the banana split. And you served it up right on time.
And a very fine denouement. Bravo!
I think you kept up the tension masterfully throughout. Though at times it seemed too easy for the bad guys to trace every single step they made. Not sure how to remedy that. If they lose the trail, it just eats up more pages. Hm.
I also think you could benefit from dropping a lot of the adverbs and ing words and use stronger verbs. I personally didn't mind it at all. I have just been brainwashed that adverbs are weak and I ache over removing my own. But everyone I read seems to do it, so again. Who knows. I'd rather just mention it all, and let you do whatever you will with these thoughts.
But here is the most important thing:
Hands down, Liberty is the best script I've read on this site. I trusted you throughout the entire journey. I felt I was in very capable hands. SOM for sure. I'm certain I will vote for it when prompted. Thanks!
-Jason read -
A review of Roadshow (rev.6)by jason0222 on 07/30/2009This was a super fast read! I love that. You have a nice breezy style that moves the scenes right along. Though, there were issues that need some attention. I did feel the script was a little dialogue heavy. I know it's a courtroom drama, but the same occurred outside the court as well. And most action lines seemed to focus more on description than revealing character... This was a super fast read! I love that. You have a nice breezy style that moves the scenes right along. Though, there were issues that need some attention.
I did feel the script was a little dialogue heavy. I know it's a courtroom drama, but the same occurred outside the court as well. And most action lines seemed to focus more on description than revealing character. In fact, Ester is the only character I had the slightest clue about. Most characters felt pretty one dimensional.
It is hard for me to pick on your SP, since I enjoy your comments on the message boards and you seem like a great guy. But this is also why I want to give it to you straight... as I see it, anyhow.
I also felt like you may have moved the action along too quickly at times. Especially in the beginning. I loved your opening, and was settling in for a wild, raunchy ride with an "Uncle" being suggestive about a young girl. I was like, "uh-ohhh, what have we got here?" And then -- BAM! -- she's in her 40s. Took the wind right out of the sails.
This is true for a lot of the courtroom action too. Often, when you built up the tension, you quickly solved it and we would start all over with the next stake. It may have been stronger to have less stakes that were more powerful, so as to keep us on the edge of our seats. Or at least take longer to solve them.
Basically, I never felt Ester was in danger of being beaten.
I'm not sure I was convinced about the whole daughter-being-taken-away parts. It wasn't really threatened based in so much law, as it was "hey, you better get straight with the girl, or else." And Ester just accepted it so easily. Though we learn later she may have had her own plan all along. It also didn't scare us as viewers because they kept mentioning that if anything turns sour they would just skip town. No worries.
And what legal reason did she have to "pretend" to fulfill Judge's wishes after the trial? Wouldn't her husband at least want to know that? He drives off into the sunset sooo easily. It didn't feel like it was based in truth. I guess you want to stress what a shallow guy he is?
Do we even want the daughter to end up with the mother? Should we be pulling for that? Is she really a good mother/person?
And we never got a chance to develop feelings for Justina. The only time we liked her was near the end when we find that she busted her own mother. But that was a mixed bag. I guess I liked when she did the opposite of playing hookie and snuck into school to just be a kid for a minute. But that was so short-lived. More of that would've been nice.
I know this is based on a true story, but it still needs a life all its own. Especially for people like me who have never heard about this story.
My overall thought as I neared the end was "why did you want to tell this story?" What was the actual point to be gained from hearing/seeing this story? I think the general masses at this point already agree with sex education and that prohibition and censorship are not really effective or even healthy for our society. So what is the greater meaning? That is what you may need to bring out of the story. Maybe you already have it and I just missed it. So it might need to be clearer.
I will say that you made some of the twists in court fun to experience. Though I was a huge fan of Boston Legal and many other such legal shows, so nothing knocked my socks off.
I would've better liked the setting-up of her rival, if she hadn't asked the bartender what was in his envelope. This telegraphed to us that she would find a way to counter whatever happened in Scranton.
I also felt the final court scene was very anti-climactic. The whole movie was built around this moment and he simply reads that the votes were in her favor. This is where we need to savor the moment longer and build to the climax and see her rejoice and her opponent suffer.
And then the resolution was a little confusing. What I think happened was that this was an elaborate scheme for her to get the husband out of the picture. It may not be clear enough though. I guess we didn't think he was THAT bad. Maybe you want to make him even worse if this is the case. A little sex on the side, that Ester doesn't seem too outraged about, may not be enough to build a movie up to end on. If he was abusive, sure.
There really wasn't much by way of typos and spelling. Several times you had [a] where it didn't belong. Like here:
P3 "offers a reefer to [a] MARY LOU"
--Not really sure you should even use reefer unless a character says it. It's pretty outdated. You did fine after using "joint" instead.
The good news is that you obviously understand the craft and write extremely well and in a very reader-friendly way. That is HUGE! It means you know how to move the action along and keep things hopping. Building dimension into the characters is the toughest part. Hopefully that will be your main focus in the next draft.
Best of luck!
-Jason read -
A review of Dead Mountainby jason0222 on 07/22/2009You really have skill at moving things along. I zipped right through this sucker. I noticed only 2 or 3 minor typos, which is incredible! That alone, makes me very happy when I read. You started off with a nice little piece of action. Not sure why you named Greg, who dies right away, and the other two have no names, though they have another scene. Maybe you wanted to... You really have skill at moving things along. I zipped right through this sucker. I noticed only 2 or 3 minor typos, which is incredible! That alone, makes me very happy when I read.
You started off with a nice little piece of action. Not sure why you named Greg, who dies right away, and the other two have no names, though they have another scene. Maybe you wanted to trick the reader so we won't see his death coming?
I would suggest to cut out a LOT of the descriptions of people and the cabin. You can still get the same feeling and essence with much fewer words, cuz it stopped the flow in its tracks. Pg. 3 was 90% description. Think of how to create the same flow for the reader that audiences will experience.
"No TV. No microwave. No phone. Whoever lives here cares not for convenience or comfort."
-- how can you even show "no phone?" A lot of the description can be summed up by saying the place lacks any modern conveniences, and let the set designer do the rest. Then mention no TV in dialogue, cuz the people will want to know why he doesn't know about the world.
I'd definitely get rid of all the time stamps in your sluglines. Those are mostly just meant to serve as lighting cues. Most prefer just night or day, and pepper in the occasional evening or afternoon if it is really necessary.
I was completely overwhelmed when you said ten people were walking around. It was impossible to try and memorize the names. Especially since you conditioned us that you might kill them as soon as we learn them. So I never got to really connect names with people. Maybe you can give a few of them descriptive names like the two in the beginning. Of course on screen it won't be hard to follow, but in the script...
Now, here is the one thing that sets your zombie movie apart. And it is huge. John in the woods! You have fused Rambo with Dawn of the Dead and I loved it! I would say do even more with him, I couldn't get enough.
And I would toss in more humor. Like the line about zombies humping your leg. We all love humor in our zombie flicks.
You write the action scenes very very well. It was crisp and quick and bambambam. My heart got going.
Some of the dialogue-heavy scenes dragged. Long speeches are not our friends. Maybe more quiet visual stuff.
I wish there was a little more uniqueness. Until John left, it was like most others in the genre.
Killing can be humorous too. Let a guy or two really get off on it. Let a girl feel sorry for the zombies. Just a little more variety to set them apart and it will rise above.
Overall, I really enjoyed it. Best of luck!
-Jason read -
A review of Don't Like Being 2ndby jason0222 on 07/21/2009Well, I was pretty certain I would remove this assignment, once I read your notes stating you were gonna film this yourself. I assumed you wouldn't put too much care into the script in general. Just a crude template. But I chose to just pop in for a quickie, see how your first page looked. I was intrigued right away. And soon found myself blown away by your gift with... Well, I was pretty certain I would remove this assignment, once I read your notes stating you were gonna film this yourself. I assumed you wouldn't put too much care into the script in general. Just a crude template.
But I chose to just pop in for a quickie, see how your first page looked. I was intrigued right away. And soon found myself blown away by your gift with words and the pictures you created in my mind.
There is a ton of great stuff here to love. There is also a good deal that if improved could really leave you with something incredible!
Let me start with what I think is the good:
The mechanics are incredible. You are a very concise writer. Clean, crisp, vivid. Tons of beloved white space. It flowed beautifully, one of the fastest I've ever read. And I didn't want to stop.
I did NOT see the crazy douchebag clan coming in a million years. They were a wonderful surprise. John Waters would be proud. And you never apologized for them. You were bold and wrote them with abandon and absolute authority.
I love how you set up early the fact that Harry could snap and become the warrior again, which you paid off.
I certainly loved all the "tits" flashing around! That alone can make me watch a movie more than once!! They were legendary boobs, too, I could see them, I tell ya.
There were many excellent lines and descriptions that made me laugh or smile. "Original recipe Jesus!!!" "My pierced beef curtains." Killer!
And the concept was awesome too. I was loathe to read another religious script, I keep getting them, not my thing. So I was very pleasantly surprised with how yours turned out. I will definitely grade that an "excellent."
Okay, that's enough blowing up your skirt.
Things i think could use some help:
As far as typos and misspelled words, I found only a few here and there. In fact, you had less than any script I've read so far. I chose not to add them, since you are not trying to sell this. No big deal. Here's an error:
Pg39
OLD MAN
"No, no, no!"
-- I think this is Harry's line, not the Old Man's.
Okay, on to bigger issues.
Pg21
THE OFFSHORIAN
Memory fogger. He'll forget everything.
-- Who is he telling this to? Wouldn't they all know what it is? Seems pretty expository.
Pg22-23 and the next scene too, where they all say who they are and what they do. This would work beautifully if they just drugged Harry and stuffed him into the backseat with them to be their audience as they say these great lines. He may even prompt them with a "who the hell are you people?"
-- They also French kiss (sloppily) right after the teens did. Maybe the teens could do something else?
-- Maggie might do well to have a tiny bit of a conscience. There is no emotional connect with the four. A little variety/conflict could spice things up. Watching her struggle with her desire for stardom versus her sympathy for Harry would be very rich to see unfold. Especially, so in the end, we will actually pull for her. She does try to save him later, but in her core is still a terrible person. She needs a soul.
Pg54 I think Maggie "trips" way too quickly here. Wouldn't it be about a half hour or so to kick in?
-- Once Harry starts fighting back is where I think this needs the most work. Actually I hate to say it, but I think from here on needs complete retooling. I know no writer wants to hear that. But let me throw out these thoughts. I am going to be brutal, so strap in...
-- There is a major problem with all the drug effects. It starts out decent, but then people don't remain consistent. The green batch they drank would certainly not allow any of what Harry does later on. He doesn't even seem remotely high once he fights back.
-- And the LSD from earlier should last up to about 8 hours if I remember correctly, so I think you should get rid of the second dosing. And mention more loopiness as he goes.
-- The entire attacking the car and jumping through the window seemed very hard to see cuz it seemed impossible. Then he flies out the window when the brakes are hit and no one else does. Maybe you need to reword some of it. The whole crushing The Offshoreman's knuckles on the floor was like, huh?
-- Then they all run away, even though they have a taser and nails of steel and fighting skills. Why run? And how does she hide a huge taser in her shirt? wouldn't it be bulging out?
-- Then he kills Offshore too easily. He is the one we want to see suffer the most physically, as well as mentally.
-- I don't know of any short-looping function on any camcorders. Though I like your execution.
-- I also could never understand how Harry could walk around and especially CRACK HIS KNUCKLES with these huge holes in him. It wasn't enough them saying it surprised them. Actual bone would have to be missing. Maybe make the holes smaller? I know you want the water falling through the holes scene, but is it worth it?
Pg 86 Maggie is supposed to be braless, as stated earlier.
-- How the hell did Harry, who needed Maggie to go get help, get on top of the bridge? And ahead of a vehicle that has been driving for like a half mile or so from where it picked up Maggie? That was insane.
-- I absolutely loved the crazy priest and wife at the end, but if done more subtly, I think it could have been great. Here is the major retooling I think this needs:
-- Spend more time screwing with Harry. Go deeper. Right now, he seems like he is gonna play along and then bam, suddenly he says he knows they are screwing with him and the tension is released. Let him go all the way and experience himself as Jesus for a while. Maybe Maggie starts to believe. Helps her change. I hated how quickly they revealed themselves on stage and told him everything. Very anticlimactic. Silly, even.
Then, after Harry crushes them, I would have the film end with them getting in the Winnebago and have the nuts reveal their outfits and sex toys at the last seconds, and just watch them drive out of view. It'd be like an uh-oh...
Because you have it where we killed off the main villains early and then have to build up to two new villains to defeat from scratch. Who we never really hated that much to begin with. You should always save the biggest enemy for last.
-- Your title never registered in my head, so I actually just went and looked now, after writing all this. Yikes! That is a very surprising title. I think it is not up to your obvious writing skills. I think it should be funny and slightly twisted. Maybe something like "JesusTube." Or something else with Jesus that makes us laugh just by hearing it. Remember what a great title Bruce Almighty was?
-- Okay, I know I reamed you a couple new stigmatas, but it is because I respect your work. Regardless of the issues that my personality picked on, I can still see how amazingly talented you are. This was probably my favorite read so far on this site. I wish you all the best. Please feel free to message me if you have any questions or comments. And thanks for adding a nice edge to this great site. I was getting a little bored from some of the most resent assignments. I actually deleted about the last 4 in a row before I got to yours.
WRITE ON!
-Jason read
Comments About jason0222 110
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duncanjames on 06/01/2010
No way to "Contact Me[You]." You throw in the screenwriting towel? -
duncanjames on 04/23/2010
The Bong Chronicles sounds like a hit. I'll be the first to offer a review. -
duncanjames on 04/19/2010
Great to hear from you again. Your update sounds like you gained enough material for another script. When can we expect a draft? -
agilitygsd on 01/03/2010
Thanks - where've you been? I was thinking about you the other day. -
Mike Wolfson on 11/17/2009
jason0222 wrote:hey, bud! my script was kind of a flop. i'm taking it down for a while to let it simmer. then i will probably fix 'er up later.
so, thanks for the offer. hopefully i'll get you a better version down the road.
keep doing what you do. it's been a pleasure. 8-)
j
Hi Jason,
I didn't think it was that bad, particularly for a first script. If I ever write that elusive first script I'd be happy if it comes out half as good yours. The sushi bar scene had me on the floor. I will await the next version. Keep at it.
All the best - Mike -
jwest on 11/13/2009
Hope yer well and happy weekend - to all three of yas.
: ) -
agilitygsd on 11/11/2009
You've dropped off the face of the earth - your profile says "Gone Fishing" - you OK? -
agilitygsd on 11/04/2009
Put a shirt on that avatar! Glad you removed the sideways heads - it made me dizzy every time I looked at it! -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/03/2009
Liking the new 'tar, amigo. You get a cut rate on haircuts? -
jwest on 11/01/2009
Not bad, thanks. Some do, some don't, becoming more popular. I think you lot are better and more dedicated to such festivities.
Lol. Happy recovery . . . ;)
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Comments About jason0222 110
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Quote
No way to "Contact Me[You]." You throw in the screenwriting towel?
-
Quote
The Bong Chronicles sounds like a hit. I'll be the first to offer a review.
-
Quote
Great to hear from you again. Your update sounds like you gained enough material for another script. When can we expect a draft?
+ more commentsduncanjames on 06/01/2010
duncanjames on 04/23/2010
duncanjames on 04/19/2010