a screenplay
by JasonDiggy
Genres:
drama
A young Jewish woman in occupied France escapes the Nazis by changing places with a shop owner. But as her love... more
JasonDiggy
member since 06/05/2009 |
last login 07/01/2012
I live in a small town of 2,000 people outside Montréal, Canada. That might seem like the farthest place from Hollywood anyone could be, but in the last few years there’s been many films made right on my street: The Score (Edward...
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Bio
I live in a small town of 2,000 people outside Montréal, Canada. That might seem like the farthest place from Hollywood anyone could be, but in the last few years there’s been many films made right on my street: The Score (Edward Norton, Robert De Niro, Marlon Brando), Love! Valour! Compassion! (Jason Alexander), Zelda (Natasha Richardson, Timothy Hutton), Gothika (Halle Berry, Robert Downey, Jr.), and Taking Lives (Angelina Jolie, Ethan Hawk, Kiefer Sutherland, Gena Rowlands). During the day I’m a mild-mannered teacher, but my superhero powers include writing novels and screenplays. In addition to my script here on TriggerStreet, my novel made the Editor's Desk on HarperCollins site, Authonomy.com, out of more than 4,000 books. It's now available through Amazon, Chapters/Indigo, B&N, etc., as "A Vigil for Joe Rose."
Submissions by JasonDiggy
Reviews by JasonDiggy 64
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A review of Dealing With the Deadby JasonDiggy on 03/08/2011Hi David, Good stuff! I really like this. Your strength as a writer is your dialogue--it’s very strong. My only suggestion is to up your game a bit and have Jack speak more uniquely, avoid clichés, make up his own twists on clichés so he is more distinct. He’s not very likeable, save for the great lines you give him. Use that! All-in-all there’s little else I can suggest... Hi David,
Good stuff! I really like this. Your strength as a writer is your dialogue--it’s very strong. My only suggestion is to up your game a bit and have Jack speak more uniquely, avoid clichés, make up his own twists on clichés so he is more distinct. He’s not very likeable, save for the great lines you give him. Use that!
All-in-all there’s little else I can suggest other than giving everything a bit more edge. You’re halfway there, push it a tad more. Make it darker, stranger. I get the feeling that’s where you wanted to go with this all along.
First 10 pages - I like the way your SP begins. There’s sufficient mystery here in the opening scenes to make me want to read on. You set up your characters nicely, including the mysterious backstory. It only gets bogged down a tad when Brick pokes around the house. It does go on for a bit too long. It weakens the strong beginning. Although his find (a rotten hand) is excellent!
A few other points:
Concerns/Questions/Observations:
p. 1 - “a MAN and a WOMAN” Bit of a problem. If we can see them looking into each other’s eyes, roll eyes, etc., then we can see their faces, or at least enough to make out if they’re characters we are going to see later. So why the mystery? Why not identify them? Unless you mean them to be faceless figures.
p. 22 - “INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY” This scene could be more ominous, less like bank officials and more like some tribunal in an old, dark bank. Almost like their souls are being judged.
p. 42 - “Something pretty big. Something pretty recent.” How would he know that?
p. 49 - Wouldn’t the Drano/bleach combination kill him?
p. 60 - “Close your mouth, boy. You're attracting flies.” Cliché. I expect more from Jack. Do a spin on this, something that makes Jack unique. Cliché’s would be too, well, cliché for him. No?
Typos
p. 36 - “He buries hs face back in the water, purging himself the best he can.” his (spelling)
p. 60 - “Made out of teflon.” Teflon (cap)
Very clean!
Technical
p. 2 - “CUT TO:” Lose these. If the scene changes, it’s obvious there has to be a cut. No one does this anymore.
Good luck with this and your writing. You have something here. read -
A review of COUSIN JEFFREY (re-rewrite)by JasonDiggy on 03/08/2011Hi Steve, This is a really cute story and you write it well. There are some funny things going on, a good setup, and you had me all the way with the likable characters and fun situations. There’s not a lot I can add other than to tell you I assume you’re not British. Jeffery seemed too British and Jimmy not British enough. I’m not sure that’s a big thing if this plays as an... Hi Steve,
This is a really cute story and you write it well. There are some funny things going on, a good setup, and you had me all the way with the likable characters and fun situations. There’s not a lot I can add other than to tell you I assume you’re not British. Jeffery seemed too British and Jimmy not British enough. I’m not sure that’s a big thing if this plays as an unrealistic farce, but if you are trying to go for a more real tone, then you might want to look at that. Other than that, very enjoyable. Good stuff!
First 10 pages - So. I didn’t think I’d like this when I started reading, to be honest. The premise seemed okay enough, but I dreaded it being too typical for words, a weak attempt at humour. But I have to tell you I enjoyed the first 10 enough to definitely want to read on. Well done! The characters are clear (if not a tad cliché), and the situation is nicely set up, although I can see where this is going given your logline. So what? you handle it very well--straight to the point. (I love Cousin Jeffrey. LOL)
A few other points:
Concerns/Questions/Observations:
p. 2 - “Looks at the money. Smiles.” Maybe he says something here. Something like, “Dumbass!” (But better.)
p. 13 - “You’ll be hearing from my barrister.” LOL
p. 15 - Love the jacket change. Highly unlikely, but it works.
p. 20 - “That would be great. Thanks.” Difficult to read that as English. He’d be overcompensating, no? How about, “That would be smashing. Ta.”
p. 104 - “I’ve always had a thing for a man with tentacles.” I don’t believe lobsters have tentacles.
Typos
p. 9 - “Walter places the bag into the trunk of his Limo.” limo doesn’t require a cap.
p. 49 - “Get over there with the rest of the heatheness little buggars.” No idea what “heatheness” means. Heathens? And “buggers” (spelling)
p. 67 - “Oh you buggars.” buggers (spelling)
Very clean!
Technical
p. 4 - JEFFERY Be careful with names. I got Jeffery and Jimmy mixed up because they’re close.
p. 19 - “JIMMY (EA)” Nice way to handle it.
I look forward to seeing what becomes of your work. I can see it being produced. Good luck! read -
A review of Parashitesby JasonDiggy on 03/07/2011Hi Philip, I really enjoyed your SP. I don’t see it as a true horror as I wasn’t “scared,” but it is a very good gross-out comedy. All the elements are in place that make this really work: a gross subject matter that shows you know your audience, along with some really funny dialogue and scenes. There’s little I can add to this other than to comment that at times it reads... Hi Philip,
I really enjoyed your SP. I don’t see it as a true horror as I wasn’t “scared,” but it is a very good gross-out comedy. All the elements are in place that make this really work: a gross subject matter that shows you know your audience, along with some really funny dialogue and scenes. There’s little I can add to this other than to comment that at times it reads as too conventional. But I’m not sure that’s a negative (I’m of mixed mind about it) as it will be “familiar” to producers and that might just up your chances of having it produced. You have something here, that’s for sure.
First 10 pages - Impressive! Very strong beginning. The story starts right away and there are some very strong visuals. You do a very good job in introducing the characters, even if they are stereotypes. But I guess in this genre that’s a plus. Because of your strong beginning, readers would definitely want to read on. Well done!
A few other points:
Concerns/Questions/Observations:
p. 9 - “Made it to regionals.” Does AI have “regionals”?
p. 17 - “Colin pulls out his phone and snaps a picture of the humongous turd.” Gross!
p. 18 - “Back in the stall a foot-long, INSECT-LIKE LEG suddenly reaches out of the toilet.” Super gross! LOL
p. 52 - “A long PARASITE about half Theo’s size is sticking out of Theo’s ass - like some horrendous two-headed creature.” Really? Really? LOL
p. 96 - Cool ending! Unexpected.
Typos
p. 8 (and other pages) - “Damien just shrugs and pops a french fry in his mouth...” French fry (cap French)
p. 9 - “Kevin smooths his hair back...” smoothes (spelling)
p. 15 - “Damien stiffles another gag.” stifles (spelling)
p. 55 - “TWO COURGAR-TYPE LADIES walk up...” COUGAR (spelling)
p. 81 - “The parasite is pulp atop Damien’s carcas.” carcass (spelling)
Best wishes on this work and your writing in general. I see this as having all the potential needed to making it to the screen. Good luck! read
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Submissions by JasonDiggy
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a screenplay by JasonDiggyGenres: dramaA young Jewish woman in occupied France escapes the Nazis by changing places with a shop owner. But as her love... more
Reviews by JasonDiggy 64
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A review of Dealing With the Deadby JasonDiggy on 03/08/2011Hi David, Good stuff! I really like this. Your strength as a writer is your dialogue--it’s very strong. My only suggestion is to up your game a bit and have Jack speak more uniquely, avoid clichés, make up his own twists on clichés so he is more distinct. He’s not very likeable, save for the great lines you give him. Use that! All-in-all there’s little else I can suggest... Hi David,
Good stuff! I really like this. Your strength as a writer is your dialogue--it’s very strong. My only suggestion is to up your game a bit and have Jack speak more uniquely, avoid clichés, make up his own twists on clichés so he is more distinct. He’s not very likeable, save for the great lines you give him. Use that!
All-in-all there’s little else I can suggest other than giving everything a bit more edge. You’re halfway there, push it a tad more. Make it darker, stranger. I get the feeling that’s where you wanted to go with this all along.
First 10 pages - I like the way your SP begins. There’s sufficient mystery here in the opening scenes to make me want to read on. You set up your characters nicely, including the mysterious backstory. It only gets bogged down a tad when Brick pokes around the house. It does go on for a bit too long. It weakens the strong beginning. Although his find (a rotten hand) is excellent!
A few other points:
Concerns/Questions/Observations:
p. 1 - “a MAN and a WOMAN” Bit of a problem. If we can see them looking into each other’s eyes, roll eyes, etc., then we can see their faces, or at least enough to make out if they’re characters we are going to see later. So why the mystery? Why not identify them? Unless you mean them to be faceless figures.
p. 22 - “INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -- DAY” This scene could be more ominous, less like bank officials and more like some tribunal in an old, dark bank. Almost like their souls are being judged.
p. 42 - “Something pretty big. Something pretty recent.” How would he know that?
p. 49 - Wouldn’t the Drano/bleach combination kill him?
p. 60 - “Close your mouth, boy. You're attracting flies.” Cliché. I expect more from Jack. Do a spin on this, something that makes Jack unique. Cliché’s would be too, well, cliché for him. No?
Typos
p. 36 - “He buries hs face back in the water, purging himself the best he can.” his (spelling)
p. 60 - “Made out of teflon.” Teflon (cap)
Very clean!
Technical
p. 2 - “CUT TO:” Lose these. If the scene changes, it’s obvious there has to be a cut. No one does this anymore.
Good luck with this and your writing. You have something here. read -
A review of COUSIN JEFFREY (re-rewrite)by JasonDiggy on 03/08/2011Hi Steve, This is a really cute story and you write it well. There are some funny things going on, a good setup, and you had me all the way with the likable characters and fun situations. There’s not a lot I can add other than to tell you I assume you’re not British. Jeffery seemed too British and Jimmy not British enough. I’m not sure that’s a big thing if this plays as an... Hi Steve,
This is a really cute story and you write it well. There are some funny things going on, a good setup, and you had me all the way with the likable characters and fun situations. There’s not a lot I can add other than to tell you I assume you’re not British. Jeffery seemed too British and Jimmy not British enough. I’m not sure that’s a big thing if this plays as an unrealistic farce, but if you are trying to go for a more real tone, then you might want to look at that. Other than that, very enjoyable. Good stuff!
First 10 pages - So. I didn’t think I’d like this when I started reading, to be honest. The premise seemed okay enough, but I dreaded it being too typical for words, a weak attempt at humour. But I have to tell you I enjoyed the first 10 enough to definitely want to read on. Well done! The characters are clear (if not a tad cliché), and the situation is nicely set up, although I can see where this is going given your logline. So what? you handle it very well--straight to the point. (I love Cousin Jeffrey. LOL)
A few other points:
Concerns/Questions/Observations:
p. 2 - “Looks at the money. Smiles.” Maybe he says something here. Something like, “Dumbass!” (But better.)
p. 13 - “You’ll be hearing from my barrister.” LOL
p. 15 - Love the jacket change. Highly unlikely, but it works.
p. 20 - “That would be great. Thanks.” Difficult to read that as English. He’d be overcompensating, no? How about, “That would be smashing. Ta.”
p. 104 - “I’ve always had a thing for a man with tentacles.” I don’t believe lobsters have tentacles.
Typos
p. 9 - “Walter places the bag into the trunk of his Limo.” limo doesn’t require a cap.
p. 49 - “Get over there with the rest of the heatheness little buggars.” No idea what “heatheness” means. Heathens? And “buggers” (spelling)
p. 67 - “Oh you buggars.” buggers (spelling)
Very clean!
Technical
p. 4 - JEFFERY Be careful with names. I got Jeffery and Jimmy mixed up because they’re close.
p. 19 - “JIMMY (EA)” Nice way to handle it.
I look forward to seeing what becomes of your work. I can see it being produced. Good luck! read -
A review of Parashitesby JasonDiggy on 03/07/2011Hi Philip, I really enjoyed your SP. I don’t see it as a true horror as I wasn’t “scared,” but it is a very good gross-out comedy. All the elements are in place that make this really work: a gross subject matter that shows you know your audience, along with some really funny dialogue and scenes. There’s little I can add to this other than to comment that at times it reads... Hi Philip,
I really enjoyed your SP. I don’t see it as a true horror as I wasn’t “scared,” but it is a very good gross-out comedy. All the elements are in place that make this really work: a gross subject matter that shows you know your audience, along with some really funny dialogue and scenes. There’s little I can add to this other than to comment that at times it reads as too conventional. But I’m not sure that’s a negative (I’m of mixed mind about it) as it will be “familiar” to producers and that might just up your chances of having it produced. You have something here, that’s for sure.
First 10 pages - Impressive! Very strong beginning. The story starts right away and there are some very strong visuals. You do a very good job in introducing the characters, even if they are stereotypes. But I guess in this genre that’s a plus. Because of your strong beginning, readers would definitely want to read on. Well done!
A few other points:
Concerns/Questions/Observations:
p. 9 - “Made it to regionals.” Does AI have “regionals”?
p. 17 - “Colin pulls out his phone and snaps a picture of the humongous turd.” Gross!
p. 18 - “Back in the stall a foot-long, INSECT-LIKE LEG suddenly reaches out of the toilet.” Super gross! LOL
p. 52 - “A long PARASITE about half Theo’s size is sticking out of Theo’s ass - like some horrendous two-headed creature.” Really? Really? LOL
p. 96 - Cool ending! Unexpected.
Typos
p. 8 (and other pages) - “Damien just shrugs and pops a french fry in his mouth...” French fry (cap French)
p. 9 - “Kevin smooths his hair back...” smoothes (spelling)
p. 15 - “Damien stiffles another gag.” stifles (spelling)
p. 55 - “TWO COURGAR-TYPE LADIES walk up...” COUGAR (spelling)
p. 81 - “The parasite is pulp atop Damien’s carcas.” carcass (spelling)
Best wishes on this work and your writing in general. I see this as having all the potential needed to making it to the screen. Good luck! read -
A review of Tree Swing v2by JasonDiggy on 03/05/2011Hi Jake, There are some good things going on here, for instance, the characters and how they relate to each other. Generally I like the premise and how you handle it. The only critique I can offer after reading your work is to go over it again and pull back the dialogue. With a story like this, subtly works best or it starts reading like a soap opera. There are many places... Hi Jake,
There are some good things going on here, for instance, the characters and how they relate to each other. Generally I like the premise and how you handle it. The only critique I can offer after reading your work is to go over it again and pull back the dialogue. With a story like this, subtly works best or it starts reading like a soap opera. There are many places where the obvious is stated. The worst: “The
only one that might of cared for you is dead. And she’s dead because of you.” Yikes! In the first sentence, find some way to get that across without spelling it out like this. In the second sentence, we know it. He killed her. Why pour it on even more?
First 10 pages - Your first 10 do a good job in setting up who the characters are and in what world they’re living. I’m not sure what the story is about at this point, but that’s okay, but not ideal. As discussed above, streamlining the dialogue more might help get us faster to the story. But otherwise, good characters in a clearly described world.
A few other points:
Concerns/Questions/Observations:
p. 1 - Not sure the first scene is necessary--too much a TV establishing shot. The tree and swing are a stronger image IMHO.
p. 4 - “I’m worried about
seeing my brothers.” Try to make your dialogue less obvious. Go back over it and see how little your characters can say and still get the point across so it won’t seem so obvious they are speaking to the audience and not each other. For example:
PHILIP
It’s not that. Just me worrying.
LISA
This trip isn’t about your brothers, it’s about your mom.
Lisa will know, so we will, too.
p. 4 - “I’m really sorry I can’t come with you.” This is a good line. You can get rid of the previous discussion of her not coming. This says it naturally. Follow it with, “Clients,” and we understand.
p. 37 - “Simon swings the gun towards Philip.” Kinda comes out of nowhere.
Typos
p. 2 - “...any youth like features...” youth-like (with hyphen)
p. 5 - “We are now beginning our decent.” descent (spelling)
p. 17 - “Nevermind.” Never mind (two words)
p. 29 - “We've had a lot of out of towners moving in...” out-of-towners (spelling)
p. 29 - “Philip is in his old bedroom siting in his bed reading.” sitting (spelling)
p. 38 - “INT. ATIC - DAY“ ATTIC (spelling)
p. 40 - “Cruella Devill” Cruella de Vil (spelling)
p. 51 - “EXT. RIDGELINE TRIL - DAY” TRAIL (spelling)
Technical
p. 11 - “MEMORY HIT” Not sure what this is, a quick flashback I suppose. Never saw it before in an SP.
Good luck with this work and your writing. read -
A review of Ah-Haby JasonDiggy on 03/05/2011Hi Robert, The strength of your SP is definitely the dialogue. It’s very good. Very funny. You have some great characters here, and you make the most of them. But because your SP is so dialogue-heavy, you might want to go back and pay attention to the action points in the scenes. Find ways to make the scene more visually dynamic, especially since there’s so much talking. Just... Hi Robert,
The strength of your SP is definitely the dialogue. It’s very good. Very funny. You have some great characters here, and you make the most of them. But because your SP is so dialogue-heavy, you might want to go back and pay attention to the action points in the scenes. Find ways to make the scene more visually dynamic, especially since there’s so much talking. Just a suggestion to amp up the SP. It’s a movie, not a stage play. The visuals need to be as strong as your dialogue is.
My only other quibble is the ending--I didn’t find it all that satisfying. Profit’s last speech was more informative than funny, or typical of him. I wanted to see his personality shining in the last moments, not just tying up loose end.
First 10 pages - Your SP starts with some funny stuff, mostly Profit and how he speaks and his personality. You do a good job in the early pages to show us what Profit is like, and I have to tell you, he’s a good, solid character on which to base a movie. Well done! Not sure what the SP is about yet, but I’d definitely stick around to find out.
A few other points:
Concerns/Questions/Observations:
p. 3 - “We hear the DIAL TONE” Why? Profit hung up? Then why do we hear the dial tone?
p. 7 - The 2nd collection call is repetitive too soon after the 1st one. Perhaps shorten it to just the funny and non-repetitive bits.
Typos
p. 19 - “Plus, they had some country bunkins upstate...” bumpkins is the word.
p. 24 (and other places) - “Show him how yall squabble...” y’all (spelling)
p. 39 - “And if I
was from some Indian slum, why in
the fuck would I be so concerned
with playing who wants to be a
millionaire?” Cap “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” like this, and in quotes.
p. 51 - “Seriously, I text alot..” a lot is 2 words.
Many places - Ellipses (...) are 3 dots, not 2.
Technical
p. 3 - “PAUL SCOTT” No idea how old he is, description, etc.
p. 10 - “OMAR” How old?
p. 105 - “FADE OUT\FADE OUT:” Never saw this before. It’s simply “FADE OUT.” (With a period and not a colon.)
Good stuff here. I look forward to what becomes of this SP. Good luck with it and your other writing. read -
A review of Year of the Snakeby JasonDiggy on 02/26/2011Hi David, The strengths of your SP are the authenticity—you seemed to have done the research, and it rings true. It even smells like this time and place. Well done! Also, I like the plot. You have enough of a story to keep it moving forward, perhaps even too much of a story, but, hey, it isn’t boring. That’s a major plus. Where there could be some more attention in another... Hi David,
The strengths of your SP are the authenticity—you seemed to have done the research, and it rings true. It even smells like this time and place. Well done! Also, I like the plot. You have enough of a story to keep it moving forward, perhaps even too much of a story, but, hey, it isn’t boring. That’s a major plus. Where there could be some more attention in another rewrite are the areas of dialogue and characterization as discussed below. All-in-all, though, a good read. An interesting time and not one that is often shown in film—the American Vietnam, yes, but not earlier. That’s a major selling point.
First 10 pages - You start off with action, which is a good point as it draws the reader into the story. There are many characters in the first 10 pages, and it seems more like an intro than the actual SP at this point. Think of some way to introduce them more naturally. The plot is strong, so I want to keep reading, but where the first 10 pages are a bit of a disappointment are the characters. Too many seem cliché: paper cutouts representing nationalities and character types. Build some nuance into your characters. Give us some unexpected ones.
A few other points:
Concerns/Questions/Observations:
p. 1 - “It's too damn quiet.” Cliché and too obvious. You could lose this line and just “Stay alert” would be enough.
p. 2 - “They slaughtered everyone of those guys.” Lines like this are too on-the-nose. Surely both George and Rob know this, so whom are you telling? The reader? Hmm. Think of more subtle ways to get this across. Maybe George isn’t sure and simply asks at some point, “The others?” A look from Rob, silence, would say it all. Give the reader more credit—let the reader work things out, put two and two together, without telling them directly.
Typos
p. 9 - “A word of warning, - Be careful what you say around the natives.” Don’t get what the comma followed by a hyphen mean.
p. 11 - “Fong empties dozens of ampules onto the table from her shoulder bag.” ampoules (spelling)
p. 12 - “I'm not asking for your concent.” consent (spelling)
p. 28 - “Florence Nightengale isn't going to be an easy conquest.” Nightingale (spelling)
p. 57 - “Sil vous plait, repondre!” S’il vous plaît répondre!” With apostrophe, accents, and no comma. Also, italicize foreign words in your SP.
p. 58 - “A grim Colonel Lacroix addresses...” Sometimes it’s Lacroix and sometimes LaCroix (with a cap C).
Good luck with this and your writing in general. read -
A review of American Independentby JasonDiggy on 02/26/2011Hi Chris, Your SP has been around for a while, so I’m not sure there’s a lot I can add that others haven’t already told you. I like your work, there’s some good intelligence at play here. I like the ensemble feel of the SP, yet rooted with Jordan. Your SP has a modern premise, but it’s told old-style, very Robert Altman. I have mixed feelings about that--on one hand, I love... Hi Chris,
Your SP has been around for a while, so I’m not sure there’s a lot I can add that others haven’t already told you. I like your work, there’s some good intelligence at play here. I like the ensemble feel of the SP, yet rooted with Jordan. Your SP has a modern premise, but it’s told old-style, very Robert Altman. I have mixed feelings about that--on one hand, I love Robert Altman, but, on the other, I’m not sure that style is very fresh in 2011. One of the strengths of this SP is how you mix up what could be some very static scenes by presenting them in different ways—well done!
First 10 pages - There’s a lot going on, and I’m not sure how it all fits together at this point. I like the premise, though, and the dialogue is interesting enough to keep me engaged. One thing though that doesn’t make me invest in the characters (except Jordan) are the generic names. Makes me think the character has a small part and doesn’t merit a real name. But I’ll keep on reading.
A few other points:
Concerns/Questions/Observations:
p. 3 - Long monologues with little action are a tough sell. I know it’s consistent with your movie, but it may be interesting to have Santa Fox speaking V.O. over a scene with Jordan. Perhaps some new humiliation. Kind of like the Wolfman in American Graffiti. (Wow! There’s an old movie.)
p. 10 - “And you never drew your gun.” Really cliché. So is the retiring cop.
p. 61 - Is this montage really necessary? Seems out of place--more straight RomCom.
p. 94 - Jordan’s last speech is pretty heavy-handed. Seems more like a Santa Fox speech, not Jordan’s. In any case, weren’t those points the whole reason for your SP? Do they have to be reiterated?
Typos
p. 4 - “I’m here to report the truth til they break...” ‘til (with an apostrophe)
p. 28 - “...contestants who will develope their knowledge of law and government...” develop (spelling)
p. 61 - “Each time, jordan stares at a stupid...” Cap Jordan.
p. 70 - “EXT. WASHINTON MONUMENT - DAY (FLASHBACK)” WASHINGTON (spelling)
Very clean!
Technical
p. 5 - “INT. OFFICE - DAY” Very generic. Insurance office? Real estate? Oh, TV.
p. 7 - “Executive stands over him.” Is this the same executive? The generic names make it less involving as a reader and more difficult working out characters. Why not give them names?
You have something here. There needs to be more intelligence in movies, so you definitely can make inroads in a niche market. I look forward to what happens to your work. Best of luck. read -
A review of LOCK THE DOOR (VER 2)by JasonDiggy on 02/20/2011Hi Emma, I love the premise of your SP. You did it justice--a really good read with so much potential to be made. Congratulations on that! The strengths of your work are the funny dialogue and great characters, especially the kickass female characters. You write action scenes well, too, so that’s another plus. The fight scene at the end was very good--the ending as a whole... Hi Emma,
I love the premise of your SP. You did it justice--a really good read with so much potential to be made. Congratulations on that! The strengths of your work are the funny dialogue and great characters, especially the kickass female characters. You write action scenes well, too, so that’s another plus. The fight scene at the end was very good--the ending as a whole was great!
First 10 pages - Reading the 1st 10 pages, I have to say I’d read on. You have some fine dialogue here--some good lines--although try not to be so obvious. I like the characters, especially Keiko--and there are a lot--but I’m not sure how they all fit together yet. Still, I’d keep reading to find out. You have my attention, and in the first 10 pages, that’s paramount. Well done!
A few other points:
Concerns/Questions/Observations:
p. 1-4 - I like this 1st scene. Some good dialogue here. I’d pull it back a tad, though, and not make it so obvious. Especially the “What is it with you?”/ “I’ve got... bonding issues.” exchange. We get it without having to tell us. Make their dialogue not so on-the-nose. Although I do like the suitcase remark.
p. 8 - “Relatively speaking.” LOL
p. 8 - “You made me piss my pants.” Show, don’t tell.
p. 9 - “Holding out makes Baby Jesus cry.” LOL
p. 49 - “Dustin steers into the Freeman’s driveway.” He was gone a long time.
p. 53 - “We’re here to kidnap little Madison. We didn’t have to break the glass, but Timms here thought it would be more dramatic.” Here’s where on-the-nose works for you. LOL
p. 66 - Love Timms’s death.
p. 74 - It’s difficult to sell a flashback as late in a SP as this one if there’s never been one before. Maybe there’s another way to get this across without a flashback, or use flashbacks more effectively throughout the SP.
Typos
p. 12 (and other places) - “INT. SAFEHOUSE -- DAY” SAFE HOUSE should be two words
p. 29 - “He’s all your’s.” yours (spelling)
Very clean!
Best wishes for this and your writing. You have talent! I look forward to seeing what becomes of this and your writing in general. read -
A review of The Defendant (Ver.4)by JasonDiggy on 02/20/2011Hi Thomas, Good story. There’s a lot going on here, a lot that will keep the audience’s attention. If there was one thing I would suggest, though, is that you give the SP another pass through to weed out everything that is obvious in the dialogue. Remember, “Show don’t tell.” I know lawyers like to talk, but look at each scene and see if you can show what everyone is talking... Hi Thomas,
Good story. There’s a lot going on here, a lot that will keep the audience’s attention. If there was one thing I would suggest, though, is that you give the SP another pass through to weed out everything that is obvious in the dialogue. Remember, “Show don’t tell.” I know lawyers like to talk, but look at each scene and see if you can show what everyone is talking about rather than having them just tell it. That’s the biggest problem with this otherwise good SP.
I also have a big problem with Michael when Robert goes missing. It would have more emotional impact if we see some (not too graphic) of what happens to Robert at the funeral home while Michael franticly searches for him. A few days should pass, making the inevitable more expected. The cops could go over to the funeral home based on what they found out, and Michael gets wind of it when he comes looking for the cops with some question/evidence, and races over there, too, thus being there for the discovery of the kill room. Then his emotional breakdown and grief are more believable. Just a suggestion.
First 10 pages - I enjoyed the first ten pages. These are what will sell your SP and have people wanting to read on. I know I did. I appreciated how you got to the point right away, no dithering around. Well done! Also, your characters and the world they live in is very clear. There’s a mystery as far as we don’t know how everything will fit together and how Michael ended up as he did. That definitely makes the reader want to read on.
A few other points:
Concerns/Questions/Observations:
p. 5 - “I got 48 hours to live.” Lines like this are too on-the-nose. Surely you can find a way to convey this info with more subtlety. Maybe have Rayfield say at the end of the scene: “Patient? How much patience can a man have in life when there’s only 48 hours left?”
p. 8 - “I always hate leaving her here.” Here, too. Try to show what you mean rather than say it. Robert could linger longer, and Michael would have to put his hand on his shoulder. Wordless action in these scenes go a lot farther than just having characters say the obvious.
p. 10 - “Dad, are we gonna be okay without Mom?” Here, too. This line made me cringe. People don’t speak so directly. He could ask something else, something not so obvious, and Michael surmises what he really means.
p. 11 - “It slowly
becomes recognizable as a hearse.” Ooh! Creepy!
p. 12 - “The front passenger door opens and Robert gets in.” Nice plot point.
p. 14 - “The officer points to a large five county map.” Seems a big jump from Robert going missing and talk of sex offenders. He hasn’t been missing that long.
p. 16 - Also, Michael doesn’t seem distraught or even that worried at this point. He’s just calmly going on a ride-along to visit a sex offender.
p. 23 - “Michael stares at them and clenches his fists.” I think we need more emotion than this. The audience will be watching Michael through all these scenes because we know they had Robert.
p. 24 - “You wanna Co-cola” Not sure what that is. I’ve heard of Coca-Cola or just a cola.
p. 27 - “Tears begin to flow down Michael’s face and he covers his ears with his hands.” Now this is more like it.
p. 52 - “I did. I killed Jeremiah Blythe.” Nooooo! LOL. We know this. Stop making your characters say what we already know. Be more subtle. Pull it back. He could just fall in her arms and cry, and we know what he did.
Typos
p. 7 - “EXT. CEMETARY - DAY” CEMETERY (spelling)
p. 29 - “Micheal glares.” Michael (spelling)
p. 30 - “...is more inadmissable fruit.” inadmissible (spelling)
p. 31 - “Blythe was voluntary and intelligently given -- it’s admissable.” admissible (spelling)
p. 36 (and other places) - “The governor’s assistant dials a cellphone.” Cell phone is two words.
p. 37 (and other places) - “PROSCECUTOR (O.S.)” PROSECUTOR (spelling)
p. 98 - “MIchael, hit in the middle of the stomach, goes down.” Michael (no capped I)
Good luck with this and your writing! read -
A review of Dogwoodby JasonDiggy on 02/14/2011Hi Jericho, I like your SP. You have something here. The strengths of your writing are the attention you pay to details, and the realistic characters you’ve created. The SP reaks of “insider knowledge” of the sk8-punk scene. I have a few issues, one of which is the dialogue when the boys are twelve. It does not seem realistic at all for twelve-year-olds. Fifteen, maybe, but... Hi Jericho,
I like your SP. You have something here. The strengths of your writing are the attention you pay to details, and the realistic characters you’ve created. The SP reaks of “insider knowledge” of the sk8-punk scene. I have a few issues, one of which is the dialogue when the boys are twelve. It does not seem realistic at all for twelve-year-olds. Fifteen, maybe, but not twelve. Later the dialogue does seem natural. My biggest quibble, though, is with the narration. It isn’t needed. Find some way to “show” (not tell) what is necessary from the narration and get rid of it.
Also, you might have some resistance from readers/viewers regarding the plot. It has a slice-of-life feel to it, but it might not be enough. There needs to be a more pressing/important through-story that links the characters over the years. Just a suggestion.
First 10 pages - You do a good job in capturing the life and world of your characters. Their dialogue is generally quite good, although they over explain things at times and that makes it seem less natural and more serving of the writer than the viewer. Ask yourself, “Is the character saying this for the audience or for the scene?” At this point, I have no idea what the story is about. But the characters are sufficiently interesting to keep me reading.
A few other points:
Concerns/Questions/Observations:
p. 1 - Narration is usually a turn-off right away. Ask yourself, “Do I really need this narration? Does it really help?” I think your visual images are strong enough without it. One rule about narration if you are going to use it, it CAN’T be about what the scene is. I know that sounds counter-intuitive, but it’s an excellent rule. Amateurs use narration to describe what we already see, so what’s the point. A professional uses narration to discuss something completely different, even at cross-purposes to what’s being shown.
p. 4 - “Don’t get your panties in a bunch.” Try to avoid clichés. Things like this are overused.
p. 6 - “Comics are for kids, faggot.” Even though this story takes place in the 80s, viewers will watch it today. When a character uses “faggot,” it makes him unlikable to many people. Be careful.
p. 29 - “Wow, conceited much?” I don’t think that expression (“much”) was used in the 1990s. I think it came later than that.
Typos
p. 1 - “Ryan begins shooting hime with the light gun.” him not hime.
p. 6 - “Erik bounds into the room and interrups...” interrupts (spelling)
p. 17 - “Skateboard parts cover every concievable surface.” conceivable (spelling)
p. 26 - “Erik walks up to them, lauging hysterically.” laughing (spelling)
p. 26 - “Like cartoon...whoop... thensuperman” space between “then” and “superman”
p. 26 - “He continutes to laugh” continues (spelling) and period at end of sentence.
p. 27 - “This cannible is!” cannibal (spelling)
p. 30 - “Whatch where the fuck you’re going, scarface.” watch (spelling) and cap “Scarface”
p. 33 - “After a couple of steps Jennifers stops as well.” Jennifer (without an s)
p. 37 - “We’ve got skaate punks...” skate (spelling)
p. 38 - “Can’t complain abou that, bitches.” About (typo)
p. 44 - “Either way, I’lll tell her you’re a virgin.” I’ll (typo)
p. 47 - “The singer, now recogniable as Erik” recognizable (spelling)
p. 47 (and other places) - “Ryan and Joe both have huge piles of french fries.” French (with a cap)
p. 48 - “Brian stops shovelling food in his mouth for a second.” shoveling (spelling)
p. 48 - “Skinhead against racial predjudice.” prejudice (spelling)
p. 52 - “She grabs the badck of his head and pulls him towards her.” back (typo)
p. 79 - “...random other pop-punk paraphenalia decorating her.” paraphernalia (spelling)
p. 80 - “You don’t know the first thig about punk...” thing (typo)
p. 80 - “Underneath it is an staine, torn Ramones shirt.” “a stained” (spelling)
p. 92 - “That “Smells Like Teen Spirit” vidoe really assed-up the pit.” video (spelling)
Before you post or send out your work, you really need to check and double check for spelling and typos. It will put people right off your work. Use SpellCheck at least.
Technical
p. 2 - You don’t know Joe’s age? 12 or 13? Which is it? You’re the writer.
p. 2 - How old is Ryan? Marc? (Other characters as well.)
p. 8 - Not sure what the point is having them all speak at once. The viewer won’t be able to make much of it out.
All-in-all you have talent as a screenwriter and I look forward to seeing what becomes of this work. Good luck on your writing. read
Comments About JasonDiggy 59
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duncanjames on 04/03/2011
Cool beans. Congrats. D. -
steve huffman on 04/03/2011
Congrats on the SOM, dude. -
AngelB on 04/03/2011
Yay for your PATISSERIE, Mike! Hugs -
BeanTown on 04/01/2011
Awesome! Enjoy the accolades. Very well deserved. -
blopar on 04/01/2011
Congrats on the SOM. Very well deserved. Tom -
JasonDiggy on 03/31/2011
brrose wrote:SOM and script shark even said nice stuff! You deserve a fresh pastry for that one! Good stuff!
Thanks! I'm in shock. LOL -
brrose on 03/31/2011
SOM and script shark even said nice stuff! You deserve a fresh pastry for that one! Good stuff! -
jwest on 03/18/2011
Knew it was just a matter of reviewing time. Well done on the Somnommy. G'luck!
:D -
steve huffman on 03/15/2011
Hey man, congrats on the somnom. Break an arm (leg is so damn cliche). -
BeanTown on 03/15/2011
Glad to hear of your SOM nomination! Good Luck!
Paul
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Comments About JasonDiggy 59
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Quote
Cool beans. Congrats. D.
-
Quote
Congrats on the SOM, dude.
-
Quote
Yay for your PATISSERIE, Mike! Hugs
+ more commentsduncanjames on 04/03/2011
steve huffman on 04/03/2011
AngelB on 04/03/2011