Jayberwock 

member since 01/08/2008 | last login 07/11/2013

I very much enjoy intelligent horror and anything that is mind-bending, puzzle-y, farce or comedy. I enjoy collaboration. Always open for inquiry; please contact me via the email link....

Bio

I very much enjoy intelligent horror and anything that is mind-bending, puzzle-y, farce or comedy. I enjoy collaboration. Always open for inquiry; please contact me via the email link.

Submissions by Jayberwock

Reviews by Jayberwock 71

  • by Jayberwock on 09/03/2011
    I remember reviewing an earlier draft of this. You've got an interesting conceit - a thriller set during dinner with two couples. WHO'S AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF meets DEATHTRAP and FUNNY GAMES. I believe the way you've structured your plot - which is the most important thing in this type of movie - is a bit clunky. Eliana meets Theo. She's out to fuck Theo. He's described... read
  • A review of Croak
    by Jayberwock on 03/28/2011
    CROAK is a comedic re-imagining of CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON. Previous horror movies have shown that horror and gore plus sketch comedy can work (see SLITHER), however horror-comedy always walks a very fine line choosing where to make the audience scream and where to make them laugh. This screenplay goes most of the way along the spoof route -- I can see this type... read
  • A review of Brotherhood
    by Jayberwock on 07/11/2010
    Woo. What a strange little story. A teacher essentially kidnaps a bookish quiet boy and a cheerleader and takes them to a hotel with designs on getting the kid laid. The teacher gets drunk and the boy ends up going to a party, running over the teacher in a truck, and the cheerleader's boyfriend attempts to drown himself. The action and dialogue are way overwritten. You... read
+ more reviews

Comments About Jayberwock 45

  • ProfRedSweater on 08/23/2011

    Thanks so much for the review on Suicide Shift! Great notes about pulling back on the action lines. I was trying a slightly more detailed style this time in an attempt to really sell my vision, but you're right I'm stealing too much involvement from the reader. It'll definitely be addressed in the next draft.

    Thanks again!

    Alex
  • rjsilva on 08/22/2011

    Jaberwock, thanks for reviewing NJALAGCAZAM. Got your message about the formatting that had me scratching my head as much as your next comment. “Okay, it read decently -- you have chops above the average writer -- but the prose is bulky and you could trim a whole lot of fat verbiage without losing a lot. You could definitely write more actively: "He goes" instead of "he is going" or "he boards the door" instead of "he begins to board up the door", "she eats" instead of "the food is eaten"... none of these examples are in my SP I usually find and fix these by the fifth read, I’ll look for similar ones and make the changes.

    The populace for the body count will be cut. I’ll get to the zombies faster. All the women can’t be tough, at least one has to be stereotypically girly. Angie will get more time in the rewrite.
    I'll take care of your disappointment and delete a few government scenes so I won’t “lay all my cards on the table”.

    You need a scene of weirdness to verify that we're watching a horror movie. AGREED, perhaps a couple of zombies from previous failed experiments locked away in the hallway the General was mistakenly travelling down.
    You need more character development with a reduced cast of characters. AGREED and will reduce the soldiers and add a few more townsfolk.
    Thanks again for a helpful review.
  • Cenydd Ros on 11/30/2010

    Hi,
    I think I got that noticed because I wasn't logged in when I read the review - it shows on my board as a ranking review and now that "not a ranking review" tag is gone.

    thanks again, I agree very much with your review and it helps me see where I need to work on this script.

    All the best,
    ~ C. Ros
+ more comments

Write a Comment

Comments only. Do not post reviews here.