jayelveejr

A review of NUMBER OF THE BEAST

by jayelveejr on 05/20/2013

There is something very eerie to me that after reviewing 666 scripts on this site, my next one is titled Number of the Beast. I'm watching my step after this one as I'm a little on edge. All kidding aside, I believe this is my second go round on this script and although I can't really remember what's changed, I still have very similar feelings. I admire the gusto and the fact... There is something very eerie to me that after reviewing 666 scripts on this site, my next one is titled Number of the Beast. I'm watching my step after this one as I'm a little on edge.

All kidding aside, I believe this is my second go round on this script and although I can't really remember what's changed, I still have very similar feelings. I admire the gusto and the fact that you've tackled quite an epic tale. And I still think the concept is rather original as this hasn't really been done before or quite in this way, so on that, nice job.

It does feel a bit like Forrest Gump meets Star Trek in that Asiah is the Gump character who touches on all these Earthly events just as he gets beamed up and down. One of the more intriguing aspects is that he ultimately dooms our planet. The Start Trek element for me was that he keeps beaming down to Earth ala Trek and just as he accomplishes what he needs to during these thousands of years, he gets beamed back up to the ship. There is something intriguing about all this but at the same time, it feels a bit disjointed and there are certainly a lot of characters. It is an episodic story so that makes it a little tough to connect because we get a series of events with Jesus, Nostradamus and Hitler and then we jump from one to the other. Also, I still find some of the scenes with the computer Benedict a bit clunky for me. I think it's the dialogue, although I do like the fact that the computer doesn't seem to like him, I think the dialogue feels a bit simple at times for what is an otherwise smart and ambitious tale.

I also still feel that Cpt. Stewart figures out that Asiah may be an alien too quickly and I still think that feels off. It's like he's servicing the plot because you wanted to get to this rather quickly. In fact, the third act feels a bit rushed to me, not sure. I think I had the same reaction before. It feels like we needed to wrap up the story quickly and the third act feels like it should be longer... although I do think 114 pages is about right so not sure if adding any more pages would help. Again, some of the dialogue felt clunky. Even the scene where Stewart tries to convince Allurs that his theory is that this guy is an alien and how the Arab leader scares him, they finish off the scene with Stewart asking Allurs if they want to go to lunch. It comes off a bit comically, like a scene from Dr. Strangelove where Stewart and Allurs are discussing possibly Armageddon but then one says, hey let's grab some lunch. Maybe just me but that kind of made me chuckle. I feel that this and some of the scenes with the computer needs some looking into to see if maybe it doesn't read too simplistic. I do feel still, again and sorry for repeating myself, that the third act felt rushed and this is evident by several scenes where we have montages, a series of shots as you convey scenes very fast. I normally would be happy with this because it keeps the pacing going but I almost think here it kind of felt a bit rushed. Not sure, see what others think. This certainly still has quite a powerful ending and I love the last shot of the jeep covering the camera, a nice visual shot that encapsulates what is to come.

Even with some bumps as I mentioned, I still found this to be a very intriguing read that was very entertaining. I could see someone like Roland Emmerich making something like this. I admire the fact that this has an epic quality to it. With some tweaks, this could turn out to be quite a whopper of a tale. You have a hell of an imagination to come up with this story so kudos. Although this isn't quite there yet for me, there is a great epic sci fi/fantasy buried deep within this that I think with some refinement, could really make a hell of a film.

Keep at it and best of luck. read

Reservoir Wolfen

A review of Dogtown Mass

by jayelveejr on 05/18/2013

This was a very well written script that is a fast and entertaining read. While it doesn't break any new ground, it's certainly a very serviceable thriller within the genre. I like the vivid descriptions and you did a nice job with the female characters. The thugs are kind of routine for this film as a times, it feels like they are just food for the beasts although I did think... This was a very well written script that is a fast and entertaining read. While it doesn't break any new ground, it's certainly a very serviceable thriller within the genre. I like the vivid descriptions and you did a nice job with the female characters. The thugs are kind of routine for this film as a times, it feels like they are just food for the beasts although I did think Terrance is the best defined of the lot. I also liked Detective Forester. Sure his character doesn't exactly stand out but I've always liked these detectives who are a few steps behind the people he's looking for and he has to sort of solve the puzzle. The routine here is that he's dealing with the usual typical inept type of small town sheriff's and/or cops and he is the smart detective who comes in and has a sort of contempt for the local law enforcement. I got that here but what I liked is that you did something similar to what Kubrick did in The Shining with Scatman Crothers' character of Halloran. The whole film is Forester looking for clues and getting very close to the robbers and justs as he gets into town, just like Halloran in The Shining... we really think he's going to save the day but then wham... just like that, he's gone. I liked that because you tease us with the thought that he is going to come in, possibly capture the robbers and possibly kill some of the beasts and be the hero but alas, he's food for them as well. Nice. He reminded me of Fernando Rey's detective in Stephen Frears' The Hit. In that film Rey doesn't even utter one word as he chases the crooks and is always a step behind. In fact, part of me wants you to show Forester just investigating and also maybe not even have any line of dialogue but just use visuals showing us he is after them and then when he finally gets to town, maybe we finally hear him speak. Dunno, just throwing out ideas but maybe lame.

I did think your best defined characters where the women of the town and that is an easy one to spot because they are the more intriguing. I liked the characters of Emily, Lydia and Harriet as they were all distinct and written well.

I suppose I could argue that I'm a bit tired of this genre, it seems to be towns with a mystery behind it and it's usually zombies or vampires or werewolves recently so kind of par for the course but at least it does mean that this has some commercial potential.

For the sake of a review, some thoughts that came to be or some minor bumps or observations... the opening in the car is very reminiscent of the robbers from Reservoir Dogs, complete with Billy losing blood as he was shot. Not sure if maybe there is a better way to open? Maybe push up the flashback of the robbery and have them exit the bank and then cut to the car. Not sure, it sure hit me that this was just like Tarantino's opening. I didn't like the fact that the boys take off their masks during the robbery. I get why you did that but I still don't buy it. I would think they would be smart enough to keep them on.

Although I get that the whole 1812 history of Tammy Younger is important to the story, I did wonder if you could lose that whole flashback to 1812? It's not that I didn't like it but do we really need the backstory? I tend to like more mystery so maybe Terrance finds an old clipping or something and that way we don't cut back to the flashback sequence and keep this all in the present? Not sure but that did flash into my mind. This script feels just a tad long for me and by cutting that out, it would take this down to about 100 pages which for me is where it should be. Another thing that I didn't get ... Tammy is an old lady now, in her 80s, yet when she turns into a wolf, she's the strongest of the lot. Wouldn't the fact that she is old also make her wolf be old as well? Why is she the strongest? Is it because she's the queen of the witches? Maybe that's it but I still think that the younger women would be stronger than her just because of her age. But then again, maybe I'm over analyzing something that is a fantasy anyway so disregard but it did cross my mind.

Overall, a very serviceable script for this genre that is probably a very commercial idea for now since the Twilights of the world seem to be big box office so I suppose werewolves are in style. Nice job and best of luck. read

My Cup is almost filled...

A review of Gilead's Dispensation

by jayelveejr on 05/16/2013

I really admire the passion behind your writing and the fact that you spent over ten years researching this project is certainly an incredible feat. I am one who likes writers who take up a challenge and don't settle for mainstream cinematic stories but rather try to push the envelope, a la my love of Kubrick or filmmakers like Fellini or Lynch. This is a very ambitious story... I really admire the passion behind your writing and the fact that you spent over ten years researching this project is certainly an incredible feat. I am one who likes writers who take up a challenge and don't settle for mainstream cinematic stories but rather try to push the envelope, a la my love of Kubrick or filmmakers like Fellini or Lynch. This is a very ambitious story and epic and I really, again, admire the effort you've put into this.

I think this would probably be one of those super visually stunning films with great vistas, costumes and settings. I even think some of your dream sequences would look fantastic on the screen. Parts of this, and this is a compliment, reminded me of films like Becket, A Man for All Seasons or Lion in Winter. For some reason, these films came to mind not only for the setting but also for the overall ambience. It certainly makes one think and the big "great secret" is certainly a whopper. It would probably be a very controversial film for what you are suggesting about Jesus and Joseph of Arimathea. I do think this is all very fascinating ... like the historical aspects of who really was William Shakespeare. As this deals with a legend of Jesus it is very compelling. I have heard, in parts of this theory, certainly the Mary Magdalene/Jesus myth. Even some scholars who studied DaVinci's Last Supper have delved into analysis of what the painting really means and the hidden layers so I've always found this fascinating and I think you're on to something with this but just needs a bit of focus.

Now, for all the above and how I admire the story and find it fascinating, I'm afraid that to me this script still needs some work to catch up to your fascinating story. The narrative, I'm afraid, is a bit muddled. When we write a script, we have to remember that we are writing something that is meant to be seen. So a script is a conundrum, it's something written but the final is meant to be seen. And, in order for the movie to get made, one big thing has to happen first ... one has to read it as a script and give it the green light. So what I'm really getting at is that you have to make the "read" as easily as possible for all readers. My theory is, the more complex the story, the easier the read has to be or else you've shot yourself in the foot. What you have here is a very ambitious tale about Andre de Montbard and it is filled with lots of characters, lots of dream sequences, flashbacks within dream sequences, mutual dreams that multiple characters are having and many, long expository and stilted dialogue scenes that are hard to read because they feel like they are coming from a history book rather than having characters actually speak. I found most of the historical aspects fascinating and even if I do think you have way, way, way too much dialogue in this visual tale, I was still intrigued. The problem is, what reads okay as dialogue on the page will probably be very tedious on the screen as several scenes go on and on with chunks of dialogue that all they do is grind the pacing and momentum to a big halt. Plus, I would re-think some of the cuts you use by going into dream sequences and then flashbacks within the dream sequences and then we cut back to present but instead of showing him dreaming, we continue into another scene. I'm afraid you've made the read so difficult that most will give up or not get into what is otherwise an extremely satisfying and interesting story that has a whopper of a twist, something that could be so controversial that it actually might end up getting this script made into a film. I for one, love controversial films in a way because at least they are not the usual routine thing, I like my movies to be a bit shocking.

I really do think this has great potential but you need to take some scissors to this and cut out chunks of dialogue and re-do some of those dreams which turn into flashbacks which make it a bit confusing to read. I have to admit, halfway through I had no idea what was going on in certain scenes nor cared about the text but just read your beautifully written dream sequences which I could picture in my head very easily. You did a great job on those and I only wish the read was more pleasant or easier than it is. For such a super visual "film" this has a lot of heavy handed and long scenes of dialogue that really hurt the overall read I'm afraid.

I think this has great potential. I'm fascinated by any film that deals with the Knights of the Templar and the aspect here of these secrets they had in conjunction with the Cistercian church is really superbly fascinating. And the big secret is something else again so I do think this just needs some re-thinking as far as the structure. If one doesn't really get into this then they will miss a fascinating script. I loved the character of Joseph and I do think the last act is the best here. So my suggestion, and only mine, is to go back and see how much dialogue you can cut down, certainly a lot feels like characters are just giving us historical information or exposition and it doesn't feel like two people talking to each other. I know this ancient dialogue is tough to conquer without making it feel a bit stilted but still, doesn't mean it has to sound like speeches instead of dialogue. I would also try and maybe cut down some of your action lines as you have some blocky ones and some filled with unfilmables that are better served for a novel than a script. Then take a look at those dream sequences where they just cut into scenes and then we have flashbacks within then that read a bit confusing. I had to go back several times to see if I was still in the middle of a dream or had come out. One thing I might do is... when you come out of a dream, show him waking up from it because by cutting from dream to another scene, hard for us and the viewer to realize we are now in the present. I think you just need a little more focus as now it's a bit all over the place and the narrative flow doesn't quite work because of this.

Again, overall, I found this to be a very fascinating tale with great visual dream sequences but one which needs a bit more focus and a bit less dialogue. If anything this might actually work better as a movie, with all the visuals, than a script since at times, it feels like it needs a better balance of less talk and more of your nice visuals... in any case... almost there.

Keep at it and best of luck.
read

Jack's Back

A review of The Immortal Jack the Ripper

by jayelveejr on 05/07/2013

This was a thoroughly engrossing and lurid tale that is a very entertaining read. It's got great atmosphere and a good menacing aura about it. There have been so many Jack the Ripper films that one wonders the saleability of this script but this is a very interesting take. You did a nice job on creating this world and this is very well written with drawn out characters and... This was a thoroughly engrossing and lurid tale that is a very entertaining read. It's got great atmosphere and a good menacing aura about it. There have been so many Jack the Ripper films that one wonders the saleability of this script but this is a very interesting take. You did a nice job on creating this world and this is very well written with drawn out characters and very good scenes. Overall, a decently worthy effort. I thought Barrington Davies was very menacing and chilling as written and would make for a very decent evil Ripper. Jack Kelly was also very well written and although he plays the familiar role of the lead investigator, it was well done. I do think the script can be cut down a bit and perhaps it might have more of an impact but overall, a very nice job.

Now for the sake of critique, some observations along the way, not really meant to be critical or flaws but rather some things that came to me. First, I loved the dream train sequence where Davies carves out all the folks on the train while he searches for Genevieve. That would make for a great visual sequence, very chilling. I also thought some of the killings would be very strong because they seem to come in a flash, quick and then they're over.

The one scene I wasn't crazy about was when he kills both twins. The idea of him knocking their heads together made it seem a bit cartoonish, Looney Tunes like and I wondered how strong one would have to be to bash two skulls together by taking the heads like that. One slight thing I think happens throughout and not sure if maybe we need a bit more conflict but it seems that for most of the investigation we have repetitive scenes of the two detectives coming to the crime scene afterwards and getting bits of info that we already know. I would look at those again and see if there is a way to make them different. They are basically one step behind Davies throughout and it seems like maybe cutting down the sequences might help. Remember the old rule of getting into a scene late and leave early. There were a few that felt like you came in too early and left too late. Sorry, I didn't take notes so can't exactly recall where but another read through will show them. Not sure I love the detecting here as things just kind of all into their laps. Did he drop his wallet with his identification or did he leave it on purpose? I read this a few days ago so slips my mind but at first I wasn't crazy that they just happened to be given that gift but later on I thought, maybe Davies did leave it for a reason. The thrill of making the coppers think it was him. Also, although I understand how the occult plays a part in this, I'm still not one hundred percent convinced I like the sequences where the beast appears to him. I wonder if that cut be cut out and maybe you can have just one dream sequence where it plays like the train scene where it's all in his mind. Unless that's the way it is and I missed it, maybe that is only in his warped mind. I think I would cut out a few of the folks telling Davies what a gorgeous hunk he is. A couple of times too many as I was getting a bit tired of men and women fawning over him, we get it, he's good looking but that point was kind of hammered on us.

That's really all I have as far as being minor bumps for me, mostly all "good" so not much here to critique. This has a Gangs of New York meets From Hell vibe to it that really helped the read for me. Nice job and best of luck with this. read

Enter the Void

A review of Origami Rain

by jayelveejr on 05/05/2013

For a script that still needs some work I actually have to admit that I found it very intriguing and it held my interest all the way to the end. Perhaps the short page count helped but late into this I really wanted to unravel the mystery behind it all so it really kept me turning pages. There is something about the script that gave me a vibe of a Gaspar Noe film. There is... For a script that still needs some work I actually have to admit that I found it very intriguing and it held my interest all the way to the end. Perhaps the short page count helped but late into this I really wanted to unravel the mystery behind it all so it really kept me turning pages. There is something about the script that gave me a vibe of a Gaspar Noe film. There is even one sequence inside a mother's womb which resembles the dazzling sequence in Noe's Enter the Void where we have a birth from the baby's P.O.V. Even your opening with a dude masturbating inside the bathroom of a club is very Gaspar Noe like to me. I liked the ambience here and the atmosphere developed.

Now if someone is looking for a three act structure or a semblence of a plot, they are going to be disappointed. This is certainly not a mainstream script. Although this script doesn't really have a plot, it didn't matter to me because this is more about ambience, mood and atmosphere than it is about plot and on that level it kind of worked. I think the scene with the college professor kind of gets to the heart of the idea: illusion and time. His speech about illusion of movement and time passing mirrors the script. This is the type of script that warrants some really cool visuals. For that reason, I think it would probably work better as a film than as a screenplay. I almost think it's kind of like a Terrence Malick type of vibe as his films don't have great scripts to me but are all about filmmaking and creating a type of mood rather than having what is a normal narrative, Tree of Life and To the Wonder are two recent examples. I almost feel this script should be more like that, certainly because it's about a mystery that may not be a mystery. Overall, although my thumb is not quite up yet it was certainly a very interesting idea.

Now, although I do like several aspects, I do think there are things in it that could be improved upon. For example, I get that this takes place almost in a Scorsese like setting of a film like After Hours, as in one night and the next morning ... but at times, I feel you need to give the boys something more to do than just drive around. Now although I was intrigued by what happened to Scarelt, these driving scenes aren't very interesting by themselves. I think those are the scenes that need the most work. The reason I kept going was because I wanted to know exactly what was going on but I think if I was watching the film, I may feel you lost some momentum in the middle act. Although I did like the two police station scenes. I would take a look again at some of these scenes and see if there is a way to provide some sort of conflict or something going on that would make it more interesting. Having a conversation about finding a hospital is not something very interesting. Also, early on there was a bit of confusion because Scarlet breaks her neck, or so we think, then we see her in the next scene where she is at home and taking a shower as we focus on her neck -- I was a bit confused as didn't know if that was a flashback at this point. I get that this is part of the script, illusion and what is real but I wonder if there is a way to make it a bit easier to figure out what is going on.

Also, I think the film is too dialogue heavy and needs to be more like a Malick film where they don't speak for long spells as there are several scenes when the two boys seem to talk to much. Once we find out what is really wrong with Phil, I kept thinking that I would have liked to see more scenes where there is little or no dialogue. Although must admit I thought the scene with all the Phils was quite intriguing.

Again, although this is not a normal mainstream type of tale, I really was intrigued for long spells and I think the central idea is a good one although it still needs a few tweaks in my estimation. Also, I do think that perhaps this might make for a better film than a script at this point because this, again, is all about atmosphere and ambience and having a sort of hallucinatory vibe to it, a kind of Gaspar Noe meets Terrence Malick meets a bit of David Lynchian weirdness. I also think, since I recall this was set in Toronto, that the city itself would play a big role in not only the whole film but also the visual look. I could really picture this in my head.

I do like this kind of foreign-type of film where images and idea are more important than the words or the plot so while I don't think this is great yet, it has some really good potential.

Best of luck. read

All the President's Men

A review of The Campaign

by jayelveejr on 05/03/2013

This was a very well written and solid political thriller. I really enjoyed it and think it would make for a hell of a good film. One thing I always like is several layers to a script and here you have so many that it really enhances the main story. These political intrigues really fascinate me and although this plays at times like an episode of "24", it's still entertaining... This was a very well written and solid political thriller. I really enjoyed it and think it would make for a hell of a good film. One thing I always like is several layers to a script and here you have so many that it really enhances the main story. These political intrigues really fascinate me and although this plays at times like an episode of "24", it's still entertaining even if it's in a genre that we've seen before. Kind of a mix between "24" and "Michael Clayton" meets "Murder at 1600" or at least in that same ball park.

Lots of good solid characters... from Temple to Caldwell to even Grace and Annie who are the two female roles in this and perhaps the only ones in the whole script who I wish we would see more of. The scene where Annie finds out who she really is and her reaction to the event was very well written. I also liked how Mayweather ends up being the one who saves Temple. I tend to like flashbacks, unlike most, and you did a really good job with them. I liked the fact that you used them to give us small tidbits of information spaced out throughout and what that did was keep us interested and invested in the story. Nice effort.

Overall, I thought this was a solid script that really showcases your talent as a writer.

Now for the sake of a review ... I'll share some things that came to me as I read, not really critiques but more of observations, maybe most will not really help you but thought I would share what came to me as a reader and observer of this film. Yes, let's call it a film as I could certainly picture this as a moving "picture."

Although Caldwell is ambitious and I understand why he is running for President ... would he perhaps have some slight reservation about running knowing full well that his past might catch up to him? I'm not even thinking about the lie of Annie not being his daughter but more of his violent past. I almost wanted one scene early on to show me that deep down he has this evil streak or could be capable of what he did. Maybe he kicks the family cat or does something to hint at his past? He's a rather likeable fellow throughout and one who has this secret we don't find out about for so long that when it hits, I wondered if just showing a little something might not make it one of those character changes that feel a bit abrupt. Maybe he mistreats someone?

I wondered if you shouldn't flesh out Grace more in this and show her to be kind of behind the man, a kind of Lady MacBeth. I do know that this has been used often, specifically I recall the first lady from the aformentioned "24" who is Lady MacBeth to Dennis Haysbert's president from the show. But I really did wonder if she should have been beefed up a bit more. But that's maybe because this is such a male driven script (and written by a talented woman) that maybe I just wanted them to be more in on it. I did like Annie as well, and I loved her speech as she introduces her father at the rally, that really gave us an insight into the relationship.

I liked Temple and his wife although late in this, I did wonder how the hell he was still alive. If they tried to kill him for what he thought he knew, why did they stop? It felt like things came a bit too easy for him. I thought that after the elevator episode he would've either been fired or they would have tried to kill him again. I liked his relationship with his wife.

I think back now and I do think it felt like the story takes just a tad too long to get to the first plot point. I do understand you have to give us a lot of info and layers early on, but I did think that maybe the big reveal needs to maybe come in earlier. Then again maybe not as the pacing is good througout.

Although it didn't feel realistic that Temple could bring Mayweather into the Oval Office without Caldwell knowing it at the end, I did like the confrontation between the two men. This really gives a good indication of why Caldwell did what he did and the reasons why. I did, however, still wonder why Temple was even still alive by this point. Was it because Caldwell respected him? To go so far and with that kind of ambition might lead me to think that Temple would have been dead a long time ago. But then again, he was protecting him and believed in him early on so maybe that's why.

That's pretty much it, despite the minor bumps I mentioned, things that might not hold up as well under closer scrutiny, I'm really just being nitpicky because overall I found this to be a hell of a good script. It's expertly paced, has solid characters and action scenes and makes one think as well which is a great mix for a political thriller like this.

And I liked the last shot of the door closing on Temple .. a la the last shot of The Godfather as the door closes with Michael Corleone on the other side. Two ambitious men behind those doors.

Job well done, Sheila. read

Movers and Shakers

A review of Moving

by jayelveejr on 04/25/2013

This is a character driven script and since it has a very simple concept, a father and son road trip, then it's the characters who have to make it work. I actually enjoyed the characters and thought you had some decent situations ... sure they're somewhat familiar and we've seen these before but I have to admit that Paul and Adam kind of grew on me along the way. In many ways... This is a character driven script and since it has a very simple concept, a father and son road trip, then it's the characters who have to make it work. I actually enjoyed the characters and thought you had some decent situations ... sure they're somewhat familiar and we've seen these before but I have to admit that Paul and Adam kind of grew on me along the way. In many ways this is a story about family hidden secrets ... each character has a secret. Adam has a deep secret that his wife finds out about at the restaurant scene and that is ... he doesn't really want or feel he's ready for kids. The obvious is Paul and his ex-wife who never let their son know the secret of why his parent's marriage ended -- because he was having an affair and she found out about it. Even Dani is also hiding a huge secret which we find out about and is the real reason she is so disappointed that Adam doesn't want a baby. These are all good elements to have and they make for interesting layers to what is, again, a simple father and son road film. Do they learn about things along the way? Sure and there is the inevitable bond that grows between father and son and the main theme here is also one of forgiveness because sometimes in life we think one thing for years but then realize we were wrong all along. In a way, it's a universal story of sons not knowing about their fathers or the sacrifices along the way. The thing that rings true is Paul telling Adam that maybe he should have stayed home and bonded with his son instead of having a job that took him away for those golden years. But one also has to look at it that he wanted him to never face any problems and that he was earning a wage to help the family -- the universal problem is that having a job like that helps the family but it hurts personal relationships. Again, these are familiar elements we've seen before but they still ring true. All the peripheral characters are also not bad. Even the strippers they meet are somewhat decent characters albeit a bit brief.

Now while I think these are all good elements, the script still needs some fine tuning. I think you need to add some stronger conflicts along the way for the boys. Drama is conflict and although this script has conflict within the characters and their past ... there is not enough conflict for us the audience to feel more engaged. In other words, although I liked the characters, you need to have stronger scenes of making things tougher for them. Everything here is too easy ... the van breaks down and their predicament is easily rectified because Paul has a winning salesman personality, not to mention they not only get a new van but they also get pizza ... another conflict they encounter is the bar fight but just when Paul is about to get his ass kicked by the bald dude, Adam breaks it up. Now, I don't mean to turn this into a Sylvester Stallone kick ass film but some more energy might help. Why not make them stranded out there for a while? Why not have them get beat up and they lose their money? I like the bond between father and son but what if they bond as they have a hell of a time getting back home? I think this actually reads better than it might play as a film because not only are there lots of dialogue scenes in cars but also you have several phone scenes and I'm afraid this as a film just might be a bit too slow. I would add some conflict. Maybe Dani finds out that Adam is at that strip club when they met Alex and she gets really angry and refuses to talk to Adam? And now, he wants to get home to his wife while at the same time he's bonding and finding out the secrets that Paul has hidden all these years? I just don't think there is enough here and you need to try and make this as entertaining as possible. Remember how Hitchcock once said that movies were like life but with all the boring parts removed. There is a fine line between showing real life but making it entertaining as well.

Again, it's not bad and I really like the characters but you need an extra something to jazz this up and make it stand out. Unless you get some really good actors, then I think this still needs more much needed conflict and it would really help. I also suggest you get late into scenes and cut out some extra stuff you don't need. Like Adam reading the directions of the pregnancy test. This scene is about them finding out if she's pregnanat so best to just get to that. I did like your open ended ending in that we don't find out if she's really pregnant. Now that is good conflict just as we end the film, inject more of that earlier in the script and this might make for a very decent drama or it could even work perhaps as a television film. It has some potential as these father and sons tales do have a good message at the core.

I tend to like some films that have little plot and are driven by the characters so I come at this from an angle that I kind of already like this type of tale, not to mention the short page count helps the read so these are all good elements at the core, just need to mix it up a bit.

Keep at it and best of luck. read

Rooster Cogburn (... and the Lady)

A review of Chickin Lickin

by jayelveejr on 04/16/2013

So maybe there is no one with Cogburn as a last name in this... and certainly no John Wayne or Katherine Hepburn in site but... there is a rooster and a lady... okay, sorry about the lame joke. This was an enjoyable read. Despite some dramatic turns, it's a breezy smooth trip with likeable characters and it carries a very important message. It also has something very unique... So maybe there is no one with Cogburn as a last name in this... and certainly no John Wayne or Katherine Hepburn in site but... there is a rooster and a lady... okay, sorry about the lame joke.

This was an enjoyable read. Despite some dramatic turns, it's a breezy smooth trip with likeable characters and it carries a very important message. It also has something very unique in that it is mostly set in a world where other films haven't really gone -- cockfighting. I can't recall too many films that are based in this world so on that level, it's very original. There are also two characters here that we really invest in and the fact that they are both roosters speaks to your writing talent. Of course Peck played a huge and important part but just as important was Hector. Great scene when they end up fighting together and Emily learns the real lesson of what Arnesto was trying to teach.

I kept thinking that these two roosters are such good actors that they would probably have to be CGI or else a director might take up to a year trying to get them to act in the scenes. What is it most actors say? That it's hard to act with animals? I'm afraid these two roosters would probably steal the show and the limelight from the humans in this.

I also liked the main theme which is one of never ever give up and always fight for what you believe in. It's also about being strong in character. One of the aspects I liked is that while Emily thinks of herself at one point of being a failure and not getting the message that life is giving her, she is actually quite the opposite. She's a good natured soul with a good heart and is the type of person who always comes out on top because she deserves to. Although the script is a tad formulaic, it's because of your main lead Emily that really gives this script heart.

The supporting characters were quite good as well. I liked Arnesto and his introduction in the film is fabulous as it looks like he's sucking face with the rooster. I loved the banter with Josh in that scene as she says she needs to find out why he's making out with that chicken and Josh's comeback. Very funny. Arnesto is the wisened soul who tries to teach Emily about the nature of a rooster and how that is also part of life, we have to be prepared for this life and using the rooster angle is quite good. It's a metaphor for someone who has a sunny disposition in life but might get harmed along the way because she is so sweet and kind. I also liked Carter and Ryan and although the romance between Ryan and Emily can be seen coming from a mile away, I still smiled when it happened because we really want to root for her. One of my favorite scenes is when she finally confronts Carter and tells him that she does not want to see him drink himself to death. That whole scene was very genuine and was well written.

A couple of items that came to mind... although I like that Emily realizes the lesson to be learned, I wonder if we need to see that in a more visual way than just having her say it in lines? I liked what happened to her late in the third act when like Job from the Bible everything starts to fall apart for her in a way and is capped by her seeing that chicken get killed on the road. Maybe a bit thick and heavy for some but I thought the script really started to spark around here in a good way. I rather enjoyed those scenes. And although I like her speech at the meeting, I still wonder if it might be better served by a visual and less dialogue or rather, have her find out in a way that she doesn't just have to tell us that she's changed and now she understands her lesson. I'm not sure how to do it so I can't give you any ideas but it felt like she just comes to this realization and I wonder if her enlightenment needs to come from an event. I dunno, maybe I'm off but whenever characters tell us that they've changed, I always think show and don't tell but... then again, the whole story is showing us how she got there so maybe I'm wrong.

On a side note ... As a Cuban, I've never heard of the Spanish names Arnesto nor Miquel. Maybe Arnesto is supposed to be a Spanish form of Arnie maybe? Ernesto is really Ernest but never heard of a comparable name for Arnie so maybe that is your intent - or maybe you know someone named Arnesto? First time I've encountered it. Same for Miguel which is Mike in Spanish but not familiar with Miquel with a Q? I'd be curious to learn about both those spellings. Maybe you know someone who was named Miquel as well. Although really anyone can use any name they like but I just wondered about those two.

All in all, while this script didn't blow me away, it was a very entertaining journey... with likeable characters... with a good message and... set in a very unique world we normally don't see in films. So on that angle, great job.

Best of luck. read

Wolf Run

A review of Wolf

by jayelveejr on 04/15/2013

This is a taut and well written screenplay which has several elements I really liked. I still think it needs some fine tuning to take it to another level however. What I liked most is that even taking the chase element away, this is really a well rounded character study with solid characters. A unique aspect here is that characters seem to be hiding, or rather you are not... This is a taut and well written screenplay which has several elements I really liked. I still think it needs some fine tuning to take it to another level however. What I liked most is that even taking the chase element away, this is really a well rounded character study with solid characters.

A unique aspect here is that characters seem to be hiding, or rather you are not telling us, the hidden layers behind each one. In other words, you are not spoon feeding us material and by leaving a mystery behind each one, it really enhanced the script for me. To me sometimes mystery is better than just having characters telling us expositional dialogue about what has happened to them or why they are doing things -- here you don't have that and because of that, I found it made this more of a page turner than it really should be. I mean, let's face it, this kind of chase tale has been told before as it has a classic type of structure ... a prisoner escapes ... he is hunted down and sometimes by parties that don't get along ... he bonds with someone ... and the chase is on. What separates this in a way is that the ending is a bit of a surprise. Again, mysterious as to why one man decides to let another man go when he's been chasing him but ... within the confines of your characters, it kind of made sense to me.

I liked how we only have small amounts of info about Wolf and love the fact that he rarely speaks at all, gives him a more mystical angle. He is also someone who has been in prison for most of his life so you had a great balance between this warrior like man who cannot be brought down but yet he is naive in several aspects of life, especially in how to deal with another human being which made his relationship with Dixie very meaningful. I also loved how Max and John were at odds ... this added a very good sublayer of having the two men who are chasing him be at odds with one another.Overall, a solid effort and although we've seen this type of tale before, it still was very entertaining.

Now for the sake of a constructive critique, some tidbits of bumps along the way and in one instance, something that needs to be done on the next pass to really make this even better than it is. Apologize if I make any mistakes as I'm writing this from memory... actually finished this script about four days ago and only now sat down to write the review ...

First, let's get this out of the way ... your formatting needs help. You have gobs and gobs of what I would call monolithic action lines that will make this a most difficult read for most readers and I'm afraid some might miss out on a darn good yarn because they will give up to early. You need to make white space your best friend. Although I like the descriptive elements of your writing, most of it is a tad too much. Less is more and even less is even better. I would take a look at your description and ask yourself what it is visually that you want the reader to "see" and try to write that in one or two lines. In other words, pare it down to the essential visual and get rid of everything else. Sometimes you have four to six lines of action that can easily be pared down to a couple. The fact I still found this to be a page turner despite the blocky and monolithic action lines speaks volumes and if you fix that ... it will make this even better in my opinion.

Now, although I did like the air of mystery here I also think you could give us a small dose to explaing some things that were bumps for me. For example, it seems like the whole chase takes too long and it seems like Max, in particular, drags it out. Why? I kept wondering why would this take so long, usually the authorities would want to get in and get out as quickly as possible. Think about the fact that this is set in an arid desert ... wouldn't Max want to get this done as fast as possible? There are several scenes where they seem to look for a bit and then they just wait for the next day ... that felt off to me. He even has John, who is the warden, go out and do some of his detecting ... again, why? Maybe I need just a small reason as to why they have hatred... what if Max's wife is John's ex-wife or girlfriend and that's why they hate each other? You hint that Max has a trouble relationship with his wife because of that one phone call late in the story and I kept thinking, okay ... here is a good reason why Max is drawing this out ... because he doesn't want to go back to his wife, maybe they are in a rough spot so he prolongs the chase so that he is out there ... so unless I read it wrong, I got an idea that he didn't want to be at home with her. This would explain why he seems to be taking his time and if you make his wife maybe John's ex-wife then not only would this explain the rift between them but it could also explain why Max makes that decision there at the end to let Wolf and Dixie go. Just an idea.

Also, I wondered why Dixie wanted to go with Wolf so quickly ... what if the dudes that raped her were her partners? And what if they had robbed a bank or something and she has to go to Mexico with Wolf because she's running away from the law as well? Their blossoming relationship would then make more sense to me because she has to go with him because she herself might be a fugitive as well? And what if you don't reveal this until the very end after Max leaves. We kind of get the idea that Wolf will live and what if Dixie has been holding a bag this whole time and we, nor Wolf, knows what is in there. And right there, Wolf can maybe hint that they are going to have a rough time in Mexico anyway and then she can smile and finally show what's in the bag ... a bucketload of cash from their bank holdup. Just another idea. Then that would justify Dixie for tagging along with this dark and twisted naive yet scary prisoner on the lam. And the other story between John and Max and the wife would explain their ordeal and also would be a reason that Max lets them go, because he realizes that they are in love which is something he doesn't have with his wife at the moment. Now maybe these are lame ideas but I do feel you can give us all this information with a line or two from each character that would plant that seed in our minds and we would understand why the characters behave the way they do.

Again, I do like the mystery and that you don't explain everything to us but I do think with a line or two from each character explaining certain things could really enhance some background info that is slight. And I don't mean blocks of exposition but subtle. Could be an exchange between John and Max where John says something like: You're sticking your nose where it don't belong again and Max could say something like, I didn't come looking for her, you drove her away. Maybe lame but you get the idea, maybe some subtext so we get the rift between them about the wife. And Wolf could ask Dixie something like, why were you with them? And Dixie could say, we were parners in a business venture and leave it at that -- since Wolf is a man of few words he wouldn't bother asking any more ... then later Dixie could reveal that the business venture was a bank job or something? Again, maybe lame ideas but just thoughts that came to me as I read.

Overall, I was very entertained and thought this was well written. Now, just clean up the blocky action descriptions and I think you have a very serviceable chase thriller in this with some really good characters.

Nice job and best of luck. read

Saved by the...

A review of The Bell

by jayelveejr on 04/08/2013

Time travel scripts can be fun and entertaining but they're also a bit tricky as sometimes the logic is a bit tough to understand. I found this to be a somewhat entertaining script and I bought into the time travel ... although I was still scratching my head at times trying to figure out exactly what was happening. To paraphrase a great line from the recently superb time... Time travel scripts can be fun and entertaining but they're also a bit tricky as sometimes the logic is a bit tough to understand. I found this to be a somewhat entertaining script and I bought into the time travel ... although I was still scratching my head at times trying to figure out exactly what was happening.

To paraphrase a great line from the recently superb time travel flick Looper: "I don’t want to talk about time travel, because we’ll start talking about it and then we’ll be here all day making diagrams with straws."

I liked the reason for the time travel here ... Brian, a man who was accused of burning down his high school wants to go build a time machine so he can change his outcome with the love of his life, Fiona. That is a worthy goal for the hero and I liked that. The fact that this has a happy ending works for the story and although there are some subplots here as well, I was glad that the two lovers ended up together.

Now, must admit, I still think there are some items that need some tweaks or maybe I just didn't understand them within the scope of your time travel. These movies always jumble my brain ... if we go back and change the future then how did the present really happen? And if the present is changed then why do we ... oh, well nevermind as I could be making diagrams with straws all day.

For the sake of a critique, here were some bumps for me. It seemed to me that somewhere along the story, which is about Brian making this time machine work for Fiona, we kind of stray off the path and we instead focus on the actual making of the machine only. I kept wondering why Fiona was gone for so long and it seemed that the story shifted to more of a sci fi tale of building this thing and the subplot with Hans and the Nazi radio etc. Even in a time travel tale like Somewhere in Time all points still led directly to the central romance. I wonder if Fiona needs to have more scenes so she doesn't just disappear from the film?

Plus, we have this whole subplot of Hans which kind of confused me. Did Hans travel back in time from Nazi Germany? I think he may have right? Did he get sucked in by Brian's time machine? Or was it that the Nazi's were working on their own? If so, it seemed a bit coincidental even in this fantasy that you would have a young man like Brian working on a time machine at the same time that this other dude has his own time machine -- unless they are connected and I missed it? Was the fact that there were two radios because Brian's time machine brought one back? I read this script a few days ago and I remember I was kind of confused along the way but again ... this might be my intelligence more than your script as sometimes the logic goes way over my head in these type of stories.

If I recall as well, and sorry I'm just reviewing this from memory, it seemed to me that the sheriff Truman believes Brian too easily when Brian tells him that he needs to go after the real killer and it's not him. I seem to remember that Truman just believes him and he doesn't question him but that didn't make sense because for the whole film, Truman distrusts Brian for thinking him to be this criminal who finally got out. I also thought that Fiona's boyfriend, I forget his name, copped too easily that he was the one who burned the high school by mistake and that felt like a Bond villain moment when the villain spills the beans. Plus the boyfriend pops up just in time and he felt like a character just placed in the story to be her old boyfriend but also who just happens to be the guy who screwed Brian by burning the h.s. himself while Brian took the blame. Maybe just me but I feel he needs to be fleshed out more so it doesn't feel like he's forcing the plot only.

I also had to really turn the brain off to believe that Brian and Randy could come up with that time machine so fast ... I get that Brian is supposed to be a wizard at science but just because Randy is an auto mechanic, well, maybe I'm getting too picky.

I don't want to get too picky here as for the most part, I thought this was a decent entry in the time travel scope especially since at it's core is a love story. A kind of modern Somewhere in Time. I did like how things wrapped up ... Randy becomes a rock star and even Kimble is alive and well so those are all good things. And of course Brian gets his future with Fiona which is what the whole tale is about so on that level it was a satisfying ending.

On a side note, I would try and get yourself a screenwriting program and check some of your formatting ... like the title is not needed on every page and you kind of overuse the secondary slug lines throughout which just adds unnecessary pages to the script.

Overall, while not breaking any new ground, I found this to be an entertaining script even with some minor flaws but overall enjoyed the read.

Keep up the writing and best of luck. read

TriggerStreet

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