a screenplay
by jeff2680
Genres:
adventure, mystery/suspense
A novice hunter fights for survival as he searches for his missing brother in the White Mountains.
Bio
no bio
Submissions by jeff2680
-
-
a screenplay by jeff2680Genres: adventure, mystery/suspenseWhile searching for a missing friend in the White Mountains, a novice hunter finds himself stalked by a mysterious... more
-
a screenplay by jeff2680Seven African-American soldiers and a handful of Italian Partisans defend a town from the Waffen SS.
Reviews by jeff2680 79
-
A review of Serial Killers: An Anthologyby jeff2680 on 10/05/2011Let me preface this by apologizing for taking so long to review this. And also to thank Matt for letting me participate in this. I did find this a bit awkward to review since I was involved in it and because I haven't being do much of anything in the writing and reviewer department of late. Air Defiantly could see this playing in my head as I read it. You crafted a solid... Let me preface this by apologizing for taking so long to review this. And also to thank Matt for letting me participate in this. I did find this a bit awkward to review since I was involved in it and because I haven't being do much of anything in the writing and reviewer department of late.
Air
Defiantly could see this playing in my head as I read it. You crafted a solid serial killer in Otto. The daughter dying aspect gave the story weight. The creepy masturbating scene might work better with a less is more approach. The ending seems to lack adequate closure, there seemed more you could mine from the story, but it might play better when filmed.
The Killer In The Black Boots
You really had me on tender hooks trying to figure out who was the killer. The song works really well. The burying of the dead lovers bodies is a great blend of music and imagery. Make that the final image combined with the killer’s reveal and you got one hell of an ending.
Agent Burgundy
Not sure what to make of this one. The story was a little hard to follow. The tone was like a fever dream. The alien was creepy.
The Silence
Not much on mystery, but a nice unsettling tone. Relatable protagonist. For some reason it reminded me of a serial killer version of Bartleby the Scribner.
The Summer of Blood
A clever spin on an urban legend standard. The sweet/sinister old lady keeping a psychotic gimp in her basement felt fresh. It plays more like the opening of a horror film than a short which of course isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
The Matchbreaker
Good misdirection as to who the killer is. The gender politics came off as one-sided. I realize the killer is crazy but doesn’t she cheat on her boyfriend? Is her boyfriend cheating on her? I found the motivation or justification a little unclear.
Dirty
Nice intro of the killer. The bait and switch of who’s the killer seemed evident, maybe only because it reminded a bit of Hard Candy. I liked the hair chopstick as weapon of choice. I wondered about the looking for the sister, was it a lie or motivation. It seemed unclear.
Insider
Unfortunately I saw the ending coming a ways off. But then again I’m the type of person that looks for it and in a short you don’t have room for red herrings to throw a reader off the scent. I think the typewriter with the bent key was done in Jagged Edge with Jeff Bridges.
Rude
Holy mother issues Batman! The exchange with the obese black woman on the bus felt a little over the top. Even if something like that happened in real life maybe it was just too much too soon. My only suggestion would be to start with small every day rude behavior and escalate the severity and tension until Marvin snaps.
A Dog Like Me
Dig the Marty reference. Not sure what to make of the ending. I liked Merwyn’s character more since he seemed more fleshed out. Roxy didn’t jib with me. Maybe it was the frank sexuality talk. I’m not sure.
Bodies
Lighting her vagina on fire made my balls cringe. Felt reminiscent of Cormac McCarthy or There Will Be Blood. In the end it left a bitter existential taste in my mouth. That’s not to say I didn’t like it but it may be more than my delicate civilian sensibilities can handle.
Hands
Porno mags as sheet music while playing the piano. Sick in every sense of the word. Someone elses hands as gloves disgustingly twisted. Could play up the rabid fan thing a little more up front maybe. Keep it coy though.
Killers Anonymous
Quirky, quick and to the point. Interesting premise but unsure of the tone. It has a one off comedic sensibility.
Interstate
A match made in the thirteenth level of hell. ‘The flat-nose shakes’ make me think of someone’s face twitching not a truck. I’m no grammar Nazi but it’s first used as an adjective and then a noun. Story wise though no complaints.
The Photographer
You write the kind of ‘unfilmable’ narrative that flows. I could always picture what you meant and it wasn’t distracting. I liked the twitching insanity underneath the picturesque Americana, but I was left wanting more.
Ricky and Chloe
I’m a sucker for sins of the father stories and unresolved Oedipal issues so I dug this alot. Sunny as fuck makes me think of funny as fuck. Nice song pick for the end. read -
A review of Perfect Encountersby jeff2680 on 12/29/2010The first thing I noticed when I started reading Perfect Encounters was that it all felt strangely familiar to me. I knew I had seen this story before. I almost deleted the assignment as I felt it was a blatant rip-off of something I had read or seen elsewhere. Then it hit me that I had first read it in the Love Anthology. The Pitch: Hitch meets Stakeout with a Matchstick... The first thing I noticed when I started reading Perfect Encounters was that it all felt strangely familiar to me. I knew I had seen this story before. I almost deleted the assignment as I felt it was a blatant rip-off of something I had read or seen elsewhere. Then it hit me that I had first read it in the Love Anthology.
The Pitch: Hitch meets Stakeout with a Matchstick Men style twist.
I’ll admit I found myself frustrated in the beginning. You lead with the B story, Rufus and Mimsey, when I wanted the A story, Dylan and Jackie. I found it misleading as I thought Rufus was going to be the protagonist not Dylan.
This for me was the biggest problem. It seemed to put a monkey wrench in the structure of Dylan’s story. I understand the point of Rufus as a reflection character for Dylan, but it doesn’t feel quite as connected to Dylan as much as it should be. He’s too disengaged, always on the phone telling Rufus not to panic, instead of dumping more complications on Dylan. The Rufus assignment should make Dylan suffer more. Do a push and/or pull thing concerning his feelings for Jackie.
And the whiff of death scene between Rufus and Mimsey felt one off to me. It works to a certain extant but I couldn’t help feeling it was something Dylan needed to face first hand. It seemed a missed opportunity for a much needed catharsis. And this all brings me to that proverbial 800 lb gorilla in the room.
The Third Act reveal.
This is where you sold me. I didn’t see it coming, even if I did read it before, and I totally bought it. But I still have reservations.
Firstly, when has a plan ever gone off without a hitch? You clearly show that it doesn’t work that way for Rufus. I feel that with Dylan’s P.I. background he should have smelled a rat along the way. In the end I wanted a couple red herrings before the big reveal. I feel like Agent Cory would be excellent for this purpose. I figured he could draw some convoluted and misleading assumptions about what’s really going on. Like any hard-boiled detective would before realizing the real truth. There’s definitely room to grow here, especially maybe concerning the ideas of love and trust. A million ways to go with this but, here’s one idea, maybe Cory gets Dylan thinking, mistakenly of course, that Brock is going to leave him holding the bag when the heat comes down.
I just think it would help to have Dylan suspect Brock and Perfect Encounters or Jackie maybe of being up to something. A little subterfuge/noir of some sort.
As far as character’s go I liked them. I think Gene and the Doc could be consolidated since they were the main two that I kept forgetting about. Marguerite’s Spanish patois started grating on my nerves after a while. Nice breasts though. I’d like to see more of the Dylan/ Cory dynamic. Hence my earlier suggestion. Question: if Brock didn’t know Cory was an undercover FBI agent, why not bring him on board with Dylan’s case? Wouldn’t that be one more person to be worried about becoming suspicious, finding them out and ruining the whole thing?
Not entirely sure how I feel about the Rufus and his dad. The enema and poo jokes seemed a little out of place. Seemed kind of stand alone.
The flashbacks didn’t bother me as much as some do in other scripts, probably because they tend to work better in comedies. I though Forgetting Sarah Marshall used them brilliantly. But I still didn’t feel a 100% on board with them.
Instead of a flashback to a ventriloquist with Tourettes, how a James Bond style mini mission in the beginning to open up with? Just a thought. I suggest this because of the unclear protagonist, show versus tell and well simply because I think it would fit given the James Bonds style vibe of the Perfect Encounters agency. And lets face a ventriloquist with Tourettes is funny.
Oh and did he end up being a Fed too, because I didn’t get that at all.
In the end I liked it. The third act delivers. My main complaint would be to make it more Dylan’s story. This only makes his character deeper and more dynamic. Best of luck with this.
Jeff read -
A review of Cupid Walsh and the Infernal Menaceby jeff2680 on 12/04/2010You’ve got a good premise here. You won me over with Screaming Eagles intro and I looked forward to the rest of the story. Nice hook. But I did have trouble with your script. I found it a difficult read. I’ll admit this may be on me as I’m what I call I frustrated reader. My chief complaint I have is that I found the story very confusing in places. I didn’t read this all in... You’ve got a good premise here. You won me over with Screaming Eagles intro and I looked forward to the rest of the story. Nice hook. But I did have trouble with your script. I found it a difficult read. I’ll admit this may be on me as I’m what I call I frustrated reader.
My chief complaint I have is that I found the story very confusing in places. I didn’t read this all in one sitting so if I forgot some things you explicitly set up please forgive me.
I didn’t wholly understand the necessity of Venus’s ivory bow in Thanatos’ nefarious schemes. Was there a specific reason he needs that bow to complete his plans?
You set up that the red and black arrows of the produce love and hate respectively in the shooting gallery lesson scene, but later you reference green and orange arrows. Green makes me think of jealousy though I think you mean it to be compassion. And I’m guessing you orange is platonic or puppy love or something.
I like this aspect of the Cupid universe and I think you could set it up better in the shooting gallery lesson scene. And maybe even work in more colors into the montage or into the story itself.
I’m a fan of the Marvel character Hawkeye so I guess I’d dig seeing more variety and exotic uses for the different arrows. This goes for Eagles arrows too. It seemed there’s were more high tech. And I keep wondering if cupid had special arrows for demons?
When Henry first drops a pulsar into a bag I had no idea what it was. You need to give a quick description of the device if you didn’t earlier.
And I had no idea what the X-155 device was all about or how it factored into the story.
Plot
I think the story would benefit from setting up Thantatos, great name by the way, and his evil scheme early on. Andy doesn’t necessarily have to know but I think the story would move forward better if the audience was in on it. I like the UN nuclear summit, great stakes and it’s clear why Thanatos would want to bring about the end of the world.
As an aside I did think you could give him a little motivation by having him complain about how long humans live nowadays kind a thing. Business isn’t what it used to be and all that. Just a thought.
I think the redeeming two fathers thing bogs down the narrative. More on that later.
Dialogue
Some sentences where confusing, I’ll list the more problematic ones in the notes, but overall seems its purpose. I liked the ‘By Zeus’ peppered in the speech, but wouldn’t cupids be more likely to invoke Venus? I wouldn’t even bring it up but Thanatos mentions Zeus specifically so I keep wondering if he was going to show up.
Structure
I’m going to say the inciting incident is when Andy learns of his father’s past. It seemed strange to me that this wasn’t public knowledge. Maybe make a mention of it being top secret or start the story with him having to live with the shame.
My only other comment about structure would to reiterate that you might consider revealing the stakes of Thanatos’ plot by page thirty.
Other that I feel you hit the beats on time.
Characters
Overall it felt there were too many superfluous characters. I’d consider streamlining and/or consolidating them. Andrea and Tony were to me the most forgettable. And I could do without Roland and Edward.
I didn’t understand having generic Handsome Operator in there. Give us one memorable operator, perhaps some comic relief or running gag surrounding him or her. Maybe play on the old 50s switchboard operator stock character.
Why have Nicole’s best friend Isabella if she only drops out of the story later on?
I like Max’s role as mentor but I still wanted more. I didn’t like that you killed him. I don’t see why Eagle Leader couldn’t get killed instead and Max has to prove his worth as squad leader. Kind of hoped I see him as Eagle Leader in the end.
I didn’t understand what was going on with Philip after he gets supposedly kidnapped. Ann reads some files. Is he complicit in something? You lost me there. Which brings me to the saving two fathers. I say pick one or the other. Sid seems the obvious choice. I didn’t get why after Philip gets redeemed he goes bad again. To protect his son maybe, but it felt very convoluted.
Notes
Pg 9 do you mean Demi-Gods?
Pg 9 Goimg
Pg 17 Ann drops pale. Confusing sentence
Pg 25 First mention of the Hi-Tech Pulsar, no explanation
Pg 27 Pass me security. Do you mean give me?
Pg 28 The green arrow. Set up.
Pg 32 They seem (to)
Pg 38 Teeth Bare. Awkward fragment. Maybe Bares its Teeth.
Pg 40 Again I dig the name Thanatos. Death drive nice.
Pg 45 You’re going nowhere without me.
This might be nitpicking but this sentence bugged me. It seemed an obvious and stilted line meant to set up Andy reply.
Pg 50 perhaps play up the nature versus nurture of Andy not being like his Dad when Nicole finds out Philip is responsible for Sid’s death. Then you can flip the argument when Andy discover’s Sid is the cause of his Dad’s shame. Just a thought.
Pg 62 It’s fifteen years I pretend to like it. Rethink wording.
Pg 62 Why does Philip let Sid know where his son is?
Pg 63 As (a) shield
Pg 64 You mean he’s hand in glove with mine? Confusing sentence.
Pg 67 enters through an open window
Pg 72 I think I missed why there’s a ticking clock here
Pg 75 How does Andy know where to go to find his Dad and Sid?
Pg 77 Are you out of your mind?
Pg 80 How does Nicole her father is being drugged?
Pg 86 X-155 No clue what this is or is for.
Pg 87 Forgot all about Andrea. Haven’t seen her since page 57. And if I recall there was some connection between her and Tony. She seems like a subplot left by the wayside.
Pg 87 I don’t mind adverbs but you use cautiously way too much for my taste.
Pg 87 Thanatos’s nefarious plan revealed. Much too late in my opinion.
Pg 93 Go check what’s taking them so long.
Pg 96 Torpor. Had to look this one up. Thanks I dig learning new words. Still you might consider Stupor as it’s more common.
Overall. It’s a good start. I suggest polishing up the grammar as it made it a difficult read. It a good idea and premise and I think it could go far. Maybe expand on the world of Cupid planet and the rules hunters have to play by. But in the end a very workable story. Best of luck read
Write a Comment
Submissions by jeff2680
-
a screenplay by jeff2680Genres: adventure, mystery/suspense
A novice hunter fights for survival as he searches for his missing brother in the White Mountains.
-
a screenplay by jeff2680Genres: adventure, mystery/suspense
While searching for a missing friend in the White Mountains, a novice hunter finds himself stalked by a mysterious... more
-
a screenplay by jeff2680
Seven African-American soldiers and a handful of Italian Partisans defend a town from the Waffen SS.
Reviews by jeff2680 79
-
A review of Serial Killers: An Anthologyby jeff2680 on 10/05/2011Let me preface this by apologizing for taking so long to review this. And also to thank Matt for letting me participate in this. I did find this a bit awkward to review since I was involved in it and because I haven't being do much of anything in the writing and reviewer department of late. Air Defiantly could see this playing in my head as I read it. You crafted a solid... Let me preface this by apologizing for taking so long to review this. And also to thank Matt for letting me participate in this. I did find this a bit awkward to review since I was involved in it and because I haven't being do much of anything in the writing and reviewer department of late.
Air
Defiantly could see this playing in my head as I read it. You crafted a solid serial killer in Otto. The daughter dying aspect gave the story weight. The creepy masturbating scene might work better with a less is more approach. The ending seems to lack adequate closure, there seemed more you could mine from the story, but it might play better when filmed.
The Killer In The Black Boots
You really had me on tender hooks trying to figure out who was the killer. The song works really well. The burying of the dead lovers bodies is a great blend of music and imagery. Make that the final image combined with the killer’s reveal and you got one hell of an ending.
Agent Burgundy
Not sure what to make of this one. The story was a little hard to follow. The tone was like a fever dream. The alien was creepy.
The Silence
Not much on mystery, but a nice unsettling tone. Relatable protagonist. For some reason it reminded me of a serial killer version of Bartleby the Scribner.
The Summer of Blood
A clever spin on an urban legend standard. The sweet/sinister old lady keeping a psychotic gimp in her basement felt fresh. It plays more like the opening of a horror film than a short which of course isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
The Matchbreaker
Good misdirection as to who the killer is. The gender politics came off as one-sided. I realize the killer is crazy but doesn’t she cheat on her boyfriend? Is her boyfriend cheating on her? I found the motivation or justification a little unclear.
Dirty
Nice intro of the killer. The bait and switch of who’s the killer seemed evident, maybe only because it reminded a bit of Hard Candy. I liked the hair chopstick as weapon of choice. I wondered about the looking for the sister, was it a lie or motivation. It seemed unclear.
Insider
Unfortunately I saw the ending coming a ways off. But then again I’m the type of person that looks for it and in a short you don’t have room for red herrings to throw a reader off the scent. I think the typewriter with the bent key was done in Jagged Edge with Jeff Bridges.
Rude
Holy mother issues Batman! The exchange with the obese black woman on the bus felt a little over the top. Even if something like that happened in real life maybe it was just too much too soon. My only suggestion would be to start with small every day rude behavior and escalate the severity and tension until Marvin snaps.
A Dog Like Me
Dig the Marty reference. Not sure what to make of the ending. I liked Merwyn’s character more since he seemed more fleshed out. Roxy didn’t jib with me. Maybe it was the frank sexuality talk. I’m not sure.
Bodies
Lighting her vagina on fire made my balls cringe. Felt reminiscent of Cormac McCarthy or There Will Be Blood. In the end it left a bitter existential taste in my mouth. That’s not to say I didn’t like it but it may be more than my delicate civilian sensibilities can handle.
Hands
Porno mags as sheet music while playing the piano. Sick in every sense of the word. Someone elses hands as gloves disgustingly twisted. Could play up the rabid fan thing a little more up front maybe. Keep it coy though.
Killers Anonymous
Quirky, quick and to the point. Interesting premise but unsure of the tone. It has a one off comedic sensibility.
Interstate
A match made in the thirteenth level of hell. ‘The flat-nose shakes’ make me think of someone’s face twitching not a truck. I’m no grammar Nazi but it’s first used as an adjective and then a noun. Story wise though no complaints.
The Photographer
You write the kind of ‘unfilmable’ narrative that flows. I could always picture what you meant and it wasn’t distracting. I liked the twitching insanity underneath the picturesque Americana, but I was left wanting more.
Ricky and Chloe
I’m a sucker for sins of the father stories and unresolved Oedipal issues so I dug this alot. Sunny as fuck makes me think of funny as fuck. Nice song pick for the end. read -
A review of Perfect Encountersby jeff2680 on 12/29/2010The first thing I noticed when I started reading Perfect Encounters was that it all felt strangely familiar to me. I knew I had seen this story before. I almost deleted the assignment as I felt it was a blatant rip-off of something I had read or seen elsewhere. Then it hit me that I had first read it in the Love Anthology. The Pitch: Hitch meets Stakeout with a Matchstick... The first thing I noticed when I started reading Perfect Encounters was that it all felt strangely familiar to me. I knew I had seen this story before. I almost deleted the assignment as I felt it was a blatant rip-off of something I had read or seen elsewhere. Then it hit me that I had first read it in the Love Anthology.
The Pitch: Hitch meets Stakeout with a Matchstick Men style twist.
I’ll admit I found myself frustrated in the beginning. You lead with the B story, Rufus and Mimsey, when I wanted the A story, Dylan and Jackie. I found it misleading as I thought Rufus was going to be the protagonist not Dylan.
This for me was the biggest problem. It seemed to put a monkey wrench in the structure of Dylan’s story. I understand the point of Rufus as a reflection character for Dylan, but it doesn’t feel quite as connected to Dylan as much as it should be. He’s too disengaged, always on the phone telling Rufus not to panic, instead of dumping more complications on Dylan. The Rufus assignment should make Dylan suffer more. Do a push and/or pull thing concerning his feelings for Jackie.
And the whiff of death scene between Rufus and Mimsey felt one off to me. It works to a certain extant but I couldn’t help feeling it was something Dylan needed to face first hand. It seemed a missed opportunity for a much needed catharsis. And this all brings me to that proverbial 800 lb gorilla in the room.
The Third Act reveal.
This is where you sold me. I didn’t see it coming, even if I did read it before, and I totally bought it. But I still have reservations.
Firstly, when has a plan ever gone off without a hitch? You clearly show that it doesn’t work that way for Rufus. I feel that with Dylan’s P.I. background he should have smelled a rat along the way. In the end I wanted a couple red herrings before the big reveal. I feel like Agent Cory would be excellent for this purpose. I figured he could draw some convoluted and misleading assumptions about what’s really going on. Like any hard-boiled detective would before realizing the real truth. There’s definitely room to grow here, especially maybe concerning the ideas of love and trust. A million ways to go with this but, here’s one idea, maybe Cory gets Dylan thinking, mistakenly of course, that Brock is going to leave him holding the bag when the heat comes down.
I just think it would help to have Dylan suspect Brock and Perfect Encounters or Jackie maybe of being up to something. A little subterfuge/noir of some sort.
As far as character’s go I liked them. I think Gene and the Doc could be consolidated since they were the main two that I kept forgetting about. Marguerite’s Spanish patois started grating on my nerves after a while. Nice breasts though. I’d like to see more of the Dylan/ Cory dynamic. Hence my earlier suggestion. Question: if Brock didn’t know Cory was an undercover FBI agent, why not bring him on board with Dylan’s case? Wouldn’t that be one more person to be worried about becoming suspicious, finding them out and ruining the whole thing?
Not entirely sure how I feel about the Rufus and his dad. The enema and poo jokes seemed a little out of place. Seemed kind of stand alone.
The flashbacks didn’t bother me as much as some do in other scripts, probably because they tend to work better in comedies. I though Forgetting Sarah Marshall used them brilliantly. But I still didn’t feel a 100% on board with them.
Instead of a flashback to a ventriloquist with Tourettes, how a James Bond style mini mission in the beginning to open up with? Just a thought. I suggest this because of the unclear protagonist, show versus tell and well simply because I think it would fit given the James Bonds style vibe of the Perfect Encounters agency. And lets face a ventriloquist with Tourettes is funny.
Oh and did he end up being a Fed too, because I didn’t get that at all.
In the end I liked it. The third act delivers. My main complaint would be to make it more Dylan’s story. This only makes his character deeper and more dynamic. Best of luck with this.
Jeff read -
A review of Cupid Walsh and the Infernal Menaceby jeff2680 on 12/04/2010You’ve got a good premise here. You won me over with Screaming Eagles intro and I looked forward to the rest of the story. Nice hook. But I did have trouble with your script. I found it a difficult read. I’ll admit this may be on me as I’m what I call I frustrated reader. My chief complaint I have is that I found the story very confusing in places. I didn’t read this all in... You’ve got a good premise here. You won me over with Screaming Eagles intro and I looked forward to the rest of the story. Nice hook. But I did have trouble with your script. I found it a difficult read. I’ll admit this may be on me as I’m what I call I frustrated reader.
My chief complaint I have is that I found the story very confusing in places. I didn’t read this all in one sitting so if I forgot some things you explicitly set up please forgive me.
I didn’t wholly understand the necessity of Venus’s ivory bow in Thanatos’ nefarious schemes. Was there a specific reason he needs that bow to complete his plans?
You set up that the red and black arrows of the produce love and hate respectively in the shooting gallery lesson scene, but later you reference green and orange arrows. Green makes me think of jealousy though I think you mean it to be compassion. And I’m guessing you orange is platonic or puppy love or something.
I like this aspect of the Cupid universe and I think you could set it up better in the shooting gallery lesson scene. And maybe even work in more colors into the montage or into the story itself.
I’m a fan of the Marvel character Hawkeye so I guess I’d dig seeing more variety and exotic uses for the different arrows. This goes for Eagles arrows too. It seemed there’s were more high tech. And I keep wondering if cupid had special arrows for demons?
When Henry first drops a pulsar into a bag I had no idea what it was. You need to give a quick description of the device if you didn’t earlier.
And I had no idea what the X-155 device was all about or how it factored into the story.
Plot
I think the story would benefit from setting up Thantatos, great name by the way, and his evil scheme early on. Andy doesn’t necessarily have to know but I think the story would move forward better if the audience was in on it. I like the UN nuclear summit, great stakes and it’s clear why Thanatos would want to bring about the end of the world.
As an aside I did think you could give him a little motivation by having him complain about how long humans live nowadays kind a thing. Business isn’t what it used to be and all that. Just a thought.
I think the redeeming two fathers thing bogs down the narrative. More on that later.
Dialogue
Some sentences where confusing, I’ll list the more problematic ones in the notes, but overall seems its purpose. I liked the ‘By Zeus’ peppered in the speech, but wouldn’t cupids be more likely to invoke Venus? I wouldn’t even bring it up but Thanatos mentions Zeus specifically so I keep wondering if he was going to show up.
Structure
I’m going to say the inciting incident is when Andy learns of his father’s past. It seemed strange to me that this wasn’t public knowledge. Maybe make a mention of it being top secret or start the story with him having to live with the shame.
My only other comment about structure would to reiterate that you might consider revealing the stakes of Thanatos’ plot by page thirty.
Other that I feel you hit the beats on time.
Characters
Overall it felt there were too many superfluous characters. I’d consider streamlining and/or consolidating them. Andrea and Tony were to me the most forgettable. And I could do without Roland and Edward.
I didn’t understand having generic Handsome Operator in there. Give us one memorable operator, perhaps some comic relief or running gag surrounding him or her. Maybe play on the old 50s switchboard operator stock character.
Why have Nicole’s best friend Isabella if she only drops out of the story later on?
I like Max’s role as mentor but I still wanted more. I didn’t like that you killed him. I don’t see why Eagle Leader couldn’t get killed instead and Max has to prove his worth as squad leader. Kind of hoped I see him as Eagle Leader in the end.
I didn’t understand what was going on with Philip after he gets supposedly kidnapped. Ann reads some files. Is he complicit in something? You lost me there. Which brings me to the saving two fathers. I say pick one or the other. Sid seems the obvious choice. I didn’t get why after Philip gets redeemed he goes bad again. To protect his son maybe, but it felt very convoluted.
Notes
Pg 9 do you mean Demi-Gods?
Pg 9 Goimg
Pg 17 Ann drops pale. Confusing sentence
Pg 25 First mention of the Hi-Tech Pulsar, no explanation
Pg 27 Pass me security. Do you mean give me?
Pg 28 The green arrow. Set up.
Pg 32 They seem (to)
Pg 38 Teeth Bare. Awkward fragment. Maybe Bares its Teeth.
Pg 40 Again I dig the name Thanatos. Death drive nice.
Pg 45 You’re going nowhere without me.
This might be nitpicking but this sentence bugged me. It seemed an obvious and stilted line meant to set up Andy reply.
Pg 50 perhaps play up the nature versus nurture of Andy not being like his Dad when Nicole finds out Philip is responsible for Sid’s death. Then you can flip the argument when Andy discover’s Sid is the cause of his Dad’s shame. Just a thought.
Pg 62 It’s fifteen years I pretend to like it. Rethink wording.
Pg 62 Why does Philip let Sid know where his son is?
Pg 63 As (a) shield
Pg 64 You mean he’s hand in glove with mine? Confusing sentence.
Pg 67 enters through an open window
Pg 72 I think I missed why there’s a ticking clock here
Pg 75 How does Andy know where to go to find his Dad and Sid?
Pg 77 Are you out of your mind?
Pg 80 How does Nicole her father is being drugged?
Pg 86 X-155 No clue what this is or is for.
Pg 87 Forgot all about Andrea. Haven’t seen her since page 57. And if I recall there was some connection between her and Tony. She seems like a subplot left by the wayside.
Pg 87 I don’t mind adverbs but you use cautiously way too much for my taste.
Pg 87 Thanatos’s nefarious plan revealed. Much too late in my opinion.
Pg 93 Go check what’s taking them so long.
Pg 96 Torpor. Had to look this one up. Thanks I dig learning new words. Still you might consider Stupor as it’s more common.
Overall. It’s a good start. I suggest polishing up the grammar as it made it a difficult read. It a good idea and premise and I think it could go far. Maybe expand on the world of Cupid planet and the rules hunters have to play by. But in the end a very workable story. Best of luck read -
A review of Aquarianna (v2)by jeff2680 on 11/18/2010This is a tough one for me. I like the idea but I had trouble immersing myself in the story. I’ll admit this may be totally on me and my expectations so take this review with a proverbial grain of salt. The trouble I had was that the opening (which is great by the way) had me expecting a love story. Then it morphed into a revenge story that I didn’t feel had much weight to... This is a tough one for me. I like the idea but I had trouble immersing myself in the story. I’ll admit this may be totally on me and my expectations so take this review with a proverbial grain of salt.
The trouble I had was that the opening (which is great by the way) had me expecting a love story. Then it morphed into a revenge story that I didn’t feel had much weight to it. My biggest problem was that after Leif discovers Aquarianna has two thirds of the Golden Trident medallion I thought for sure that this was his long lost love Arianna. If there are indeed Mermaids it didn’t seem that much of a stretch that she was somehow turned into a ravishing sea creature, maybe do in fact to the Medallion itself.
That said it became increasing frustrating waiting around for a reveal of her true identity that never came and left me scratching my head. So you can see that this review might be a little off because I might’ve missed something along the way or just didn’t get it.
If this isn’t a love story then the opening scene seems misleading. You don’t need a lover killed by whales as motivation for Leif to work on his father’s whaling boat. During that time sons often inherited their father’s vocations. And the death of his father supposedly serves as his motivation to seek revenge on Ardan, his lust to kill whales all but forgotten after that. So my point is why have it in the first place. The two different motivations and targets of revenge only compete with each other.
Which brings up another point: Ardan is the central villain, but Cutler receives the most screen time. Personally a pissed off sub-mariner type creature is far more compelling than a run of the mill rogue. I’d like to see Leif bring the fight to Ardan much sooner. Much of the second act felt like one keystone cop chase after the other.
Another thing I didn’t get was why the medallion and the map to the Golden Trident was never paid off. You first mention it on Pg 2 and again on Pg 56 and finally on Pg 93 as what I presume is a lead in to a sequel. I seen this before on Triggerstreet with adventure scripts and it always baffles me. Why wouldn’t you through everything and the kitchen sink into the first story? Selling one spec script is hard enough. If I’m mistaken please disregard. And I also found it all the more disappointing because you hint at this being a treasure hunt/quest type story but then never deliver on it.
This seemed a clear violation of Chekov’s maxim that if you show a gun in the first act it should be fired in the third act. You set up the medallion and the trident as a Macguffin but then it never factors into the plot after that. It’s all just window dressing.
And another point I found confusing was how the medallion is cut into thirds. Leif have one third and so did Arianna had one third, yet Aquarrianna had two thirds of it. Where did the other third come from?
Okay so I reread Arrianna’s descent into the abyss and it clearly seems( to me anyway) that she is in fact turned into a Mermaid. Call me Slow Joe in the back row. What I don’t get is why you didn’t you pay this off. Does Leif ever consciously figure out that Aquarrianna is indeed Arianna? If he does I clearly missed it. Is that why he was going to drop her into the Thames? Because I had trouble understanding that scene. If he still wants revenge it defeats the purpose. And if he just rediscovered the lost love of his life wouldn’t he be remiss to depart with her again?
I just didn’t understand why you didn’t play up the star-crossed lovers angle. Again this is where I felt my expectations thwarted. It feels as if you’re still trying to flesh out the spine of the story. I like the lost love part and suggest fleshing that out. And I’d like to see Ardan and Leif race to find the Golden Trident. Now that would up the stakes.
Don’t get me wrong. This is my kind of adventure. I like the idea behind this it just felt off concerning the core story.
Here are some other notes:
Dialogue – I’d reduce the capped dialogue and lose a lot of the exclamation points. Faulkner said they’re like laughing at your own jokes. For my money Taggard had the best dialogue. Though you might consider giving it someone a little more prominent in the story.
Structure – As of now it hits all the right beats and turns. But if you make the medallion more central to the plot I think it’d open this up to even cleaner and fresher act breaks.
Character – Pump up the relationships. Play Leif and Aquarianna as Lovers. Make Ardan a true foil to everything that Leif desires. I’d consider losing Cutler and his gang or significantly reduce their role. I like Leif and Torm’s relationship. While I appreciate his backstory with his wife I’m not sure it’s warranted as it doesn’t play into the larger context of the story. Of course if it was about the extreme sacrifices we make for love then it would. The refusing to whip another man was a nice touch though.
Plot – This is what I think needs the most tweaking. Crack this nut and you’ll have yourself a contender.
That’s all I got for now. All in all I like the idea but was frustrated with the execution. And honestly it may all come down to a matter of taste. Though I focused mainly on what didn’t work for me I do like it, for whatever that’s worth. If you want to elaborate on anything I missed or have any questions feel free to shoot me an e-mail.
Jeff read -
A review of By The Swordby jeff2680 on 08/28/2010Okay so this is a first. I'm going to give you a free will because I sat on this assignment too long and it got deleted from my assignments. Kinda embarrassing and I apologize. By the Sword has some interesting things going for it but in the end I felt it was lacking something. I appreciate what you’re going for and the world you’ve created. There’s a lot percolating just... Okay so this is a first. I'm going to give you a free will because I sat on this assignment too long and it got deleted from my assignments. Kinda embarrassing and I apologize.
By the Sword has some interesting things going for it but in the end I felt it was lacking something. I appreciate what you’re going for and the world you’ve created. There’s a lot percolating just below that you can bring to the surface.
The plot’s reminiscent of Gladiator to a small degree, the Northern campaign being most blatant example. I’d suggest relocating this to a desert locale or removing it altogether considering the battle scene doesn’t really move the story along. It’s only purpose being to set up General Tacitus’ renowned fighting ability, but since he is killed off I wonder if a different approach might work.
Which brings me to the first problematic area. On first reading I felt Tacitus was going to be the protagonist, which of course was not to be the case. I don’t mind this but it did seem you spent too much time on him before killing him off.
I wonder if you could condense the main plot lines of this into one mini movie. Maybe Tacitus fights Ferik in the area over the rape of his wife and loses to the meddling of Nuna’s sorcerer’s ways. Also I’d like to see the question of Brayden’s (dig the name by the way) paternity set up more ambiguously.
And this brings me to another area I had difficulty with. I found it hard to root for a guy who was the son of the villain and was going to kill his own dad. Right or wrong it made it awkward for me to back him, even though I liked his wiseass personality it was hard to relate to his quest. One reason being he’s avenging the death of two people he never met. When it comes to motive for revenge you generally need something taking away form you.
I feel there’s a missed opportunity here to deepen Brayden’s character. If he thinks he’s the son of brutal tyrant that shouldn’t that affect him more? There’s a whole sins of the father nature versus nurture thing you can mine here. And remember when Oedipus killed his father he wasn’t aware it was his father. Hell in the end Luke couldn’t bring himself to destroy Darth Vader. So his willingness to kill his father seems a little off to me.
You could play Brayden’s reluctance to be King if he defeats Ferik on him being worried that he’ll be just like his old man. Chip off the old block, fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree and all that. Long story short I think Brayden could use some sort of character arc. And his questioning his identity through the question of who his father is and where he comes from seems a logical place to start.
As for the contest I wondered if you couldn’t expand it more. Maybe have a quest for one object and the heroes race throughout the realm to get it and the winner faces Ferik alone in the arena. I bring this up because you’ve written a fantasy that takes place predominately in one location, albeit with a lot of variation. If choose it to keep the budget down then okay. But if not why not explore this alien world more?
And Ferik should learn of Braeden’s prophetic origin early on and do everything in his power to stop from the get go. This only makes your hero even more heroic. This ups the stakes at every turn and gives you opportunity to create rising action.
One final thing concerning the world you’ve created here. Magical versus non-magical. Aside from Nuna’s changing physical objects into snakes or sand and casting a spell of confusion your world seems to lean more towards a fictionalized Roman era. I couldn’t help wondering why Braedon wasn’t fighting magical creatures with magical weapons. Hell just think of the video game possibilities. I say this because I can’t recall a Hollywood movie of this genre that didn’t have overt magic in it. Maybe this is what you’re going for and trying to be different.
But if not I’d suggest moving towards more a Beast Master sort of universe. I say this because I like the Sisters of Serenity and the Merkai. I wanted more. Give me a unique Dungeons and Dragons universe to visit for two hours. Of course you can feel free to dismiss this all as the rantings of another TSer who just doesn’t get it.
Overall you’ve got a good start. I like the characters just expand on them. And I think the easiest way to do that is to expand on the world they live in.
Good luck. read -
A review of The Butterfly Casketby jeff2680 on 08/09/2010You start off with a killer hook. Nice fake out. I dig your absurdist sense of humor. The Spanish good cop bad cop scene stayed with me. The Big Mac stuff. Priceless. Maybe you should write a full on comedy. I’d pay to see it. The first act got me really excited to read the rest of the screenplay. But the goodwill you earned with the opening started to wane mid way through... You start off with a killer hook. Nice fake out. I dig your absurdist sense of humor. The Spanish good cop bad cop scene stayed with me. The Big Mac stuff. Priceless. Maybe you should write a full on comedy. I’d pay to see it.
The first act got me really excited to read the rest of the screenplay. But the goodwill you earned with the opening started to wane mid way through the second act. Don’t get me wrong I enjoyed the script but I think it’s quite there yet.
If this is a first draft my hat’s off to you.
What I think needs work is the story and structure. Jimmy needs to be at the center of the story more. I found myself wondering what his worst nightmare was and why it wasn’t addressed. He didn’t have much at stake personally.
You might want to streamline and/or consolidate the characters. I found the subplot of Jimmy’s Mom and Gabe distracting and a little forced. And there weren’t any transitions from Jimmy’s story to theirs so it came off a little jarring. If you’re not familiar with Transitions check out Linda Seger’s Advanced Screenwriting. And I did not like the Gabe twist as the Red Sparrow at the end.
I wondered if Susan’s Dad might make for a more organic love relationship. Since he really didn’t have anything to do anyway.
I also had a problem with Luther’s demise. You redeem him yet still have him meet a nefarious end. I feel if he is redeemed he need to live or sacrifice himself to save the others. As you have it know I don’t know how to feel about his death.
I liked Miranda and her eccentric family but the execution seemed off. I liked the whole exiled island thing, but something seems missing. Can’t quite put my finger on it.
I liked the dream world you created and dug Luther in his Top Hat. Would like to see more of that. It’s a nice indelible image seared into my mind’s eye. I preferred the chase scene in the dream world to the one in the value-mart.
In the end I think you need to find the center of the story. Start with asking what Jimmy’s journey is about. What is his goal/want/need and how does Luther Crowe (nice name by the way) oppose him in this quest. Do that and structure should fall into place.
As for the Macguffin aka the Butterfly Casket, I still don’t know if I fully understand what the whole purpose behind it was. I’ll admit that might be me. I’m not crazy about the title either, but I can be picky.
Overall I think you’re on to something. Flesh it out. Cut things out that don’t serve the story. Sad to say the good cop bad cop scene might be one. Consolidate your universe.
I definitely read another draft of this. I found my imagination spinning with the endless possibilities from the world you created. E-mail me if you want to hear some ideas.
Good Luck. Keep on writing. read -
A review of Rocket '78by jeff2680 on 07/27/2010You guys got a lot to like here, hell some parts I even envy. First off, real pro-looking script. Smooth read. I’m sucker for coming of age movies and you’ve really created a cool world with even cooler characters. Simply said I dug it. It’s hard to critique cause so much works and frankly I’m surprised it hasn’t been nominated for SOM already. That’s not to say I don’t think... You guys got a lot to like here, hell some parts I even envy. First off, real pro-looking script. Smooth read. I’m sucker for coming of age movies and you’ve really created a cool world with even cooler characters. Simply said I dug it.
It’s hard to critique cause so much works and frankly I’m surprised it hasn’t been nominated for SOM already. That’s not to say I don’t think there’s room for improvement. Always room for improvement.
All I can say is up the conflict. You’ve laid the track, so to speak, and this baby’s ready to soar. So all I can offer is what didn’t work for me. John needs to have more shit dumped on him, have more at stake and the like.
The end bothered me a little bit. Too ambiguous. I need to know John found the courage and the balls to go after what he wants in life. Problem is I don’t know what he wants. I felt he needed a dream he was scared of pursuing and in the end decided to grab life by the horns. Damn the torpedoes. Or rockets in this case.
The first act set ups Walt, Art and Ted all vying for John’s future, but by the second act the threat of all those less than stellar prospects fall by the wayside. And I never got inside John’s head why none of these choices were for him.
Why not go to college? If he clearly states why not I apologize, but if he has the grades and the money, isn’t that a good enough opportunity to get out of his small town hell? This one seemed a little harder to brush off, as say joining the military (Walt’s a perfectly good enough reason not to join)
And while inheriting his Dad’ scrap yard isn’t exactly the equivalent of working in the coal mine like in the October Sky, It’s easy to picture a life of drudgery. But going to school seems a perfect opportunity. Again I’m sorry if you reasoned this away and I missed it.
But while I loved the characters. (Sal and Beck are some the best character’s I’ve ever come across on the Street.) I think you need to amp up the war for John’s soul. By the end it should feel like he’s been through the ringer. This is a tough one to pull off when your character doesn’t know what he wants. I know I’ve tried.
Take the aforementioned October Sky, one of my favorite coming of age films. I think it has some similarities to Rocket ’78. Not for the reasons you’d think. Yes, there’s the pursuit of building rockets/rocket car, but both have a strong backdrop that serves as another character. I could taste the dust of this dead end town much like the coal dust was palpable in October Sky.
This brings me to another parallel, that of taking on the vocation of the father. I don’t think there was enough Oedipal coming of age kill your father tension here. I’m not saying you’ve got to go the hard ass father route of October Sky, but there’s definitely room to up the conflict quotient between Ted and John.
One striking example of lack of tension was Ted’s seemingly uncharacteristic turn as partner in crime concerning the JATO rockets. I could see him blackmailing Walt to keep his only son out of jail, but to give him one of the rockets. Well that took me clean out of the story. What kind of Dad would let his son or one of his friends drive a car with questionable ordinance strapped to it. That’s just way to too irresponsible for most parents to abide.
Now that seems a missed opportunity for conflict. If I tried something like that at that age my old man would probably have beat me within an inch of my life. And I’ll through a what if in here: what if Walt did ride off with all the rockets. What would John have done then? How much does it mean to him to see this thing work. Would he break the law? More what ifs: what would Walt do with said confiscated rockets? Does he maybe stop off at bar on the way back to the base? See where I’m going with this?
I’d also like to see Ellie’s story factor in more. I like how she’s a metaphor for John not going after what he wants, but he should be at risk of losing here forever. Her moving back to California didn’t seem all that insurmountable.
Now I’m going to throw a crazy idea out here and feel free to dismiss it as such, but I wondered if Walt could be a foil to John in this case. He could maybe even be one of those Uncle’s that’s actually younger than they’re nephews. Just a thought. The idea of Ellie looking for a stable life or maybe she’s broke or in debt after the funeral expenses and can’t go back to California and she’s looking for a way out too.
Just and idea. Do with it what you will.
In the end I think John needs to pick a life for himself, whether that be college or staying home and marrying his high school crush and taking over the family business. But I’d like to see something more concrete than driving off willy-nilly into the sunset.
Now don’t get me wrong. This is one the best screenplays I’ve read here. I could spend more pages praising you all day. I loved the banter between Sal and Beck. The characters were nicely defined. Overall it felt genuine. And in my mind that’s a rare feat in and of itself. I just ask you take it one step further. Keep reaching. This one is worth it.
Thanks guys I really enjoyed it.
P.S. Another movie this reminded me of, and I mean that as a compliment not in a derivative way, was Crossing the Bridge. If you haven’t seen I’d highly recommend it. read -
A review of MAG.I.by jeff2680 on 05/19/2010Hey Peter, Finally get to bust my free will cherry. Can’t believe it took me this long to do one. I realize this is a first draft and if you’re anything like me you’ve probably already re-written the whole thing in your head by now, so I’m not sure what you’re looking for exactly feedback wise, but I’ll throw in everything and the proverbial kitchen sink. Here goes. THE... Hey Peter,
Finally get to bust my free will cherry. Can’t believe it took me this long to do one.
I realize this is a first draft and if you’re anything like me you’ve probably already re-written the whole thing in your head by now, so I’m not sure what you’re looking for exactly feedback wise, but I’ll throw in everything and the proverbial kitchen sink.
Here goes.
THE PROMISE OF THE PREMISE:
I dig the idea. It’s got some G.I. Joe, definitely my demographic, with a little Star Wars™ and X-men thrown into the pot. I like Gabe, he’s an affable protagonist. He doesn’t necessarily arc in an overt way, but he’s relatable and functional. I’d like to see him come into his own a little more dramatically.
For me the most exciting part was the fight at the lake. I think the opening could benefit from some of this excitement. I don’t see why the Bedouins can’t use magic against Warren and his squad. The lake scene was very visual and visceral. Totally sucked me in. Like I used to say back in my band days. ‘I was in the jam’
Give me that in the first ten pages. I felt the opening needed to establish the parameters of this world better. Show the whole need to use both hand gesture and incantations to perform a spell. Maybe a Bedouin or a boot fucks this up and pays for the mistake with their life.
THE STORY:
This is hero’s journey territory so I’m totally on board. The part with Amazon village was a bit troubling for me, ironically because I enjoyed the characters Pata and Aja, but they aren’t integral to the story. Personally I’d like to see Pata or Aja be a mentor character to Gabe. Seems a lot of possibilities here. A former SAS MaG.I agent gone rogue or like a good trickster character is there to help guide the hero on his journey. Or with Aja you could go old school magic meets new world magic and he becomes a unwitting and invaluable ally. Or maybe even make them a composite character. Like I said numerous possibilities here. All I can tell you is that I was sad both these characters died. Or even more disappointed that Pata died at Gabe’s hands.
THE MACGUFFIN:
One of the main problems I had with the story was a weak Macguffin. In the opening scene where you introduce Abdul Aziz and the book I was sure it was going to be H.P. Lovecraft’s Necronomicon. And that Abdul Aziz was a play on its infamous author the ‘Mad Arab’ Abdul Alhazred. So that might factor in my disappointment.
The whole thing with the two temples and dual books left me a little confused. I wasn’t sure what Aziz wanted it for. I mean I get it. Rule the world and all that. But I was unclear on the specifics as to how and why this would occur.
Part of this may be the opening of the portal and the three figures (three Magi?) show up. That really left me hanging. Wasn’t sure what to make of it. Having a ponderous dangling thread like that can work in thinking man’s Sci-fi, but not so much in fantasy based actioner like this.
I also wonder if having dual books only distracts from the macguffin. Might be better to focus on one object that both sides want. Perhaps a book on how to read the black script. Or filled with black script that must be deciphered. Jeez, do you think maybe I liked the Black script.
But don’t have Gabe able to understand it. As you have it now, Gabe is too much ‘the chosen one’ with all the magic coming to him too easily and dispatching his enemies like they were nothing. Even Neo had arduous obstacles to overcome. Remember he couldn’t go out on the ledge in the beginning and in the Matrix he falls.
Also if Aziz gets the MaG.I.’s book, then what? Did he plan on joining the temples or just have a new book of spells? This seemed the biggest problem for me.
I feel like someone has to know the two temples will join, but not necessarily what will happen if they do. How about a good old fashioned prophecy? Anyway if Aziz mentioned this I missed it. Maybe they think it will destroy the earth or wipe all the mundys. I don’t know I just wanted more. I didn’t feel the stakes in the story and I think this is due in part to the Macguffin.
THE CHARACTERS:
My main concern would be to flesh out the relationship between Gabe and Warren. As a younger brother myself I personally like brother characters as I can attest that for better or worse that my brother is the one person I know best in the world. I feel you have lots of room to maneuver here. You can go for loving brothers or sibling rivalry. Since I’m the youngest I’d vote for the whole living in the older brother’s shadow thing. This could help pump up Gabe’s arc. And older brothers tend to resent the responsibility they shoulder at an early age caring the younger brother. So I feel this is one viable way to go since you’ve already laid the groundwork.
I’d also consider combining Dawkins and Major Penczak into one character,
And here are my reasons:
1) This would plant distrust of Gabe in Dawkins character which would provide an obstacle for Gabe to overcome both romatically and professionally.
2) It helps arc wise by allowing Gabe to have to win her trust and prove ‘he’s not his brother.’
3) Gabe and Dawkins’ relationship happened too easily for me and therefore lacked any spark.
4) Major Penczak’s is something of a throwaway character that only seems to function for plot purposes.
Other thoughts to consider regarding this. Perhaps lose the single mom bit, as it only served as a distraction as I wondered how her kid was going to play into it and it didn’t seem to factor in as important character motivation. It’s color commentary without the play by play.
And here’s a thought: Have Austin killed by the mid-point. This way Gabe spends the second half of the second act on the outs with the MaG.I. team because of Dawkins/Penczak grudge after she takes over command. Oh yeah making her a composite character would promote her to second in command. Now you have a giant obstacle for Gabe to overcome.
THE PLOT:
This could use some streamlining. Some events felt disconnected or didn’t make sense to me. Chasing Aja before the flash tripping and him getting cut in half has absolutely nothing to do with the main story. And again I felt let down by his demise as I hoped he would figure prominently in the story. I’d love to see him as a stowaway on the temple (Some red shirt MaG.I cut get cut in half in his place.) He’d be a perfect wild card if Dawkins had Gabe thrown in the brig.
I really had problems with Gabe’s whole MaG.I. test process. Maybe this is nitpicking but I’ll lay it out for you to decide.
First why destroy a perfectly good jet when you could easily push a drugged Gabe out of the plane?
Why would Austin be so reckless with a potential candidates life? Couldn’t they at least have Dawkins or someone on the ground to make sure he doesn’t die if he fails to fly?
Hard to root for the good guys when they don’t value human life.
And what’s with the needle? I think subterfuge might work better here. Plenty of soldiers have had to get shots to inoculate against chemical warfare. Many are wary of them but didn’t refuse the shot because they are under orders. Just a thought.
I liked the getting thrown in the jungle and having to find the temple. It has a vision quest quality to it. I would just skip the village. You could just have Aja and/or Pata tracking him. Throw in a Puma and tripping on magic manna and you could have a cool Serpent and the Rainbow kind of thing.
The initiation scene, while promising, needs a little more thinking. Why can’t Austin just drug him, slap a parachute on his ass and chuck him out of the plane? And then his real test takes place on the ground. I also didn’t like that Gabe kills a couple of Villagers and Pata. While it was in self-defense, they weren’t really bad guys so it seemed excessive.
And why not work in an astral plane projection of Warren into that scene? Seems a fitting place to do it. Gabe’s not really sure what he saw kind of thing. Also I’d like to see Gabe use his wits more during this. Give him some kind of clue or puzzle to figure out how to find and/or see the temple. This has the potential to be an amazing set-piece. Amp it up, but keep it grounded. If that makes any sense.
THE STRUCTURE:
Not much to say here. You hit all the main points, though they could be a little more engaging. This would be solved in my opinion by addressing the problems I’ve already cited. The third act felt too truncated. It left me wanting more. I think it was Billy Wilder who said ‘If you’ve got a problem in the third act, you’ve got a problem in the first act.’
OVERALL:
You got a promising first draft here. A solid re-write and you could have this baby firing on all cylinders. Again I can’t stress how much I dug the lake fight scene, give me more of that but different. Add more magic spectacle but weave it within the main narrative of Gabe’s journey. I’d be down for another mission with MaG.I. Good luck. read -
A review of Jim Hawkins and the New World Conquestby jeff2680 on 05/07/2010I was halfway through the review yesterday and it accidentally got deleted so I’m gonna just hit the ground running here. I biggest thing missing from Jim Hawkins and the New World Conquest is Long John Silver. You allude to him throughout the script, but he doesn’t show up until the end. And even then he’s only hinted at. I say throw him into the story from the get go. You... I was halfway through the review yesterday and it accidentally got deleted so I’m gonna just hit the ground running here.
I biggest thing missing from Jim Hawkins and the New World Conquest is Long John Silver. You allude to him throughout the script, but he doesn’t show up until the end. And even then he’s only hinted at. I say throw him into the story from the get go. You can easily swap him out for Cutthroat Charlie, who pales in comparison to dare I say the most famous fictional pirate of all time. Why keep this ace in the hole? It felt as if you were perhaps trying to set up the sequel. I think your shooting yourself in the foot with that kind of thinking. You have to pull out all the stops with the first script. No holding back. You’d be lucky to sell this one (as any of us would) so give it everything you got.
There are so many possibilities for Long John Silver within the context of the story you’ve already laid out. It could add a bickering buddy film feel to the film. I recently watched 1934 version of Treasure Island and I found myself wondering how an adult Jim would deal with being reuniting with Silver. Again you’ve set all the groundwork for this.
And with the addition of Rachel as his daughter and Jim’s love interest you have all the making for a dysfunctional family pirate adventure. It would also help flesh out the characters by dealing with all that bad blood. I also found Jim’s realization that Rachel is Silver’s daughter too easy and anti-climatic. Now if he found out during a reunion with Silver, that’d be one hell of a scene.
I liked the golden age banter between Jim and Rachel. You do this really well. Reminded of the classics: Han and Leia, Indy and Marion, Errol Flynn and Olivia DeHavilland. With Long John in the picture you have a definite obstacle for Jim and Rachael to overcome. Does the apple fall that far from the tree? Can he trust her? Can either of them trust Long John? Not to mention the possibility for character arcs for both Jim and Rachel, hell maybe even Long John. That’s up to you.
And the last and final reason you should consider putting in Long John Silver is actor bait. Supposedly that’s how you sell a screenplay to a producer. What actor worth his salt wouldn’t want to chew some serious scenery as the world’s most iconic pirate?
Notes:
Pg. 18 sage brush (did you mean tumbleweed) in England?
Pg. 26 ‘I’m too old to be stubborn, I’m blissfully senile’ good line
So far the dialogue flows and is good, but reads heavy in places and you need to sneak in the exposition a little better.
Pg. 31 The dagger drops into (from) his grasp.
Pg. 34 A shots zings
Caroming. I play pool and this one was new to me. Why not ricochet?
Pg. 36 Ah, the obligatory dispatching of a flunky henchmen. Muhahaha!!!
Pg. 37 the use of ‘suddenly’ is frowned upon in some literary circles.
Pg. 46 they split up – confusing, do you mean Jim and Rachel or the cannonballs?
Wow, Denton is a sound sleeper. Cannon fire wouldn’t wake that guy up?
Pg. 48 ‘I am Diego Ortella’ felt a little too akin to ‘I am Inigo Montoya’
Again didn’t like how Jim finds out about Rachel’s family history.
Pg. 59 Not sure I understood the mechanics of the molten metal scene.
Pg. 67 I don’t know, seems if the tables were turned, your back would be too. Good line. I could picture Jim saying this to Long John and it having a little more bite.
Pg. 74 did you mean slithering? Also the snake felt too contrived a way to give away their position to the Spanish. Or maybe just too quick.
Pg. 76 Didn’t really care for the whole Samantha-Diego dynamic. And the jealous spurned pseudo-girlfriend thing was confusing.
Pg. 78 Not sure I understand how three ships sail out of the hull of the Diablo. How big is that ship? This took me out of the story.
Pg. 84 As a whole your action lines need to be clearer. Too often Jim just vaguely escapes whatever scrap he happens to be in. Here you have Jim defending Diego and Sangre troops with the blue dagger as ‘best he can’
I understand how a reader fills in gaps with his imagination, but I had a hard time visualizing some of the action sequences.
Pg. 85 The Sangres: I’ll admit I liked them at first but by the end I was sick of ‘em. Do you really need a whole army of them? Again how big is that ship? How about just one with a Man in the Iron Mask/ Master Blaster sort of origin? Just a thought.
Pg. 92 He signal for his men.
Pg. 95 Diego wipes a trickle of blood from him mouth.
Pg. 99 Chick fight in a room of jewels. You can definitely open this scene up. If Rachel is her father’s daughter how would she feel about Samantha smashing all those priceless jewels into dust? Methinks you could milk some comedic gold here.
‘Adios Mr. Hawkins’ dig it. read -
A review of The Last Rose Of Winterby jeff2680 on 01/27/2010The Last Rose of Winter was a compelling read. I like your writing style. Eloquent and sparse. Okay onto what needs work. First and foremost is the format. By now you know the font is wrong and that industry reader's will supposedly toss it into the slush pile for such an offense. Another thing to note is that if you put this in the standard font size it'll most likely come... The Last Rose of Winter was a compelling read. I like your writing style. Eloquent and sparse.
Okay onto what needs work. First and foremost is the format. By now you know the font is wrong and that industry reader's will supposedly toss it into the slush pile for such an offense.
Another thing to note is that if you put this in the standard font size it'll most likely come under 119 pages. Which can be a good or bad thing depending on how much is shaved on the total count.
Get rid of all (contd.) next to character dialogue. Also I'd steer clear of using too many (wrylies). You have fourteen in the first ten pages. Use only if the character's intention would be unclear to the reader.
Some of your scene headings gave me pause. Mostly regarding time of day. Why use Evening instead of Night? Not sure what Resuming means. Did mean continuous? I'm no expert on this stuff. I'd recommend giving Troitter's Screenwriter's Bible a read if you haven't already.
The biggest problem I had with your writing was the overuse of exclamation points in dialogue! I'll admit it's a bit of a pet peeve of mine! Sorry but it screams melodrama! Don't believe me!? Here's what F. Scott Fitzgerald had to say about it!
"Cut out all these exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke."
Onto the Story. Overall I liked it. My biggest concern is the voiceovers. Personally I don't have issue with them in a screenplay, but I wonder if the epistolary scenes might play flat because the characters sit around writing or reading. Not very engaging. Why not work in Geena and Mcintyre sneaking in stolen moments from their spouses and family to read them. This is an affair after all.
I say this because what's written on the page is poetic and emotional, but some of the scenes are less than dynamic.
As for Megan's reveal as Mcintyre's daughter. Unfortunately I saw it coming a mile off. Even with the red herring of their almost first sexual encounter to throw off the scent. I like the ending so I forgave it, cause it felt true.
The B story involving Megan and Phillipe could stand some more work. I didn't buy Meg's interaction with his wife. It came off as extremely indelicate of her. And I didn't think it compared and contrasted the main narrative enough for my taste.
In the end the story felt lacking to me, but that just might be me as I can't quite put my finger on what needs work. Maybe it's just not to my taste as the romantic fool in me leans towards sweeping historical romantic epics.
Best of luck and keep writing.
read
Comments About jeff2680 67
-
redofme on 04/05/2011
Earlier in the thread it was suggested that somebody worse than Hitler could have existed had Hitler himself not. As crazy as it seems the allies had the same idea for the last couple of years of the war. My uncle, a spy, had several opportunities to kill him but by that point they were happy with his poor tactical decision making. They even went as far as to inform him of plots against him.
-
heat_wave187 on 03/12/2011
just thought you'd like to know that you made my sister-in-law's day... almost brough her to tears... "uncle" frank was THE single most popular prof at UCSB for many years...
heat
ps
if you look at my avatar, you'll see uncle frank as a robot in the corner... -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 03/08/2011
thanks for the thorough and awesome review of Cherokee. You raise some great points. I appreciate it a lot. Thanks again.
-Nick -
CrabbyLady on 03/01/2011
Hey there: thanks for answering the questions I had. I probably just didn't 'get' what you were trying to bring forth in your SP. I thought about your answers and I still just don't 'see' it. That could just be me, however; I hope others enjoy it and give you great constructive advice (if necessary).
Hang in there and best of luck to you! -
Magnet360 on 03/01/2011
Great post on storytelling tools. All that stuff is in Syd Fields Workshop book? I might have to check that out. -
David Hayes on 01/03/2011
Hey Jeff,
A belated Happy New Year and a big 'thank you' for your review of PE. I agree with much of what you said. And yeah, the damn thing should be familiar, I wrote it for the @#$%ing prick. I'm not a fan. lol
Thanks again,
-D -
GameArs on 12/24/2010
jeff2680 wrote:Hey Carl,
I know it's none of my business, but I thought I read in a post that you were going to post a swashbuckler screenplay. I'm part of you're target demographic and found myself highly anticipating it. Just curious if and when you're going post it.
Be happy to throw you a freewilly if you want.
Jeff
Hey there! You're right, I was gonna post a swashbuckling script but when I was about 80% through with the re-write I got a job to write a feature that shoots at the end of February, so I've been absorb by it for the past few weeks. I had to put my re-write aside - but the good news is I got work that pays!
Once I get the first draft of this job done, I'm going straight back to my swashbuckler to getting it ready for upload. Probably in January!
Thanks so much for asking about it! -
jwest on 11/27/2010
Ooooh, and thanks for the thanks and the congrats btw!
:o) -
jwest on 11/27/2010
Haharr, funny. I used to love that film as a yungun. :)
Best of luck with it, tis a great read.
Have a good weekend.
:D -
bthielke on 11/17/2010
Hey Jeff-- thanks for the heads up on that. I've been to Canada, I hope that counts for something!! Hope the writing in going well.
bob
Write a Comment
Browse:
Copyright © 2001-2013 Trigger Street Labs. All Rights Reserved.
Comments About jeff2680 67
-
Quote
Earlier in the thread it was suggested that somebody worse than Hitler could have existed had Hitler himself not. As crazy as it seems the allies had the same idea for the last couple of years of the war. My uncle, a spy, had several opportunities to kill him but by that point they were happy with his poor tactical decision making. They even went as far as to inform him of plots against him.
-
Quote
just thought you'd like to know that you made my sister-in-law's day... almost brough her to tears... "uncle" frank was THE single most popular prof at UCSB for many years...
-
Quote
thanks for the thorough and awesome review of Cherokee. You raise some great points. I appreciate it a lot. Thanks again.
+ more commentsredofme on 04/05/2011
heat_wave187 on 03/12/2011
heat
ps
if you look at my avatar, you'll see uncle frank as a robot in the corner...
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 03/08/2011
-Nick