jeffwinterton98

OFF TO BATTLE

A review of Games of Immortal Men Second Edition

by jeffwinterton98 on 08/01/2009

An easy story to follow. The words the writer has chosen rolls off the mind like a new sled in winter. I could easily envision Captain Seither, as he readied himself for battle. His speech sounding true to the time. There are a few instances where the words and speech escape the story. If not only to add a block between passages. " His head slammed off some rocks."... read

Didn't catch your name...

A review of Silent Sigh

by jeffwinterton98 on 07/31/2009

The story was well written. Well versed. I could imagine myself standing next to the man in the fields. Next to the woman in the apartment. Just one thing, Who are these people? What did they look like? What are their names, I kept asking the page. The names need to come quick. A name, no matter what it is, conveys a vision in the readers mind. I was stuck on this. Hoping... read

Apprehensive Review

A review of Self-Murder Attempt

by jeffwinterton98 on 07/31/2009

I'm almost afraid to write this review. Afraid it might damage the writer further or the character. It reads as if it is an entry in a diary. There is not much structure. Or dialogue to be stated with in. I did feel a touch of sympathy for the writer. Not much for the characters. it seemed rushed. Like the writer had another pill to take. Or another glass of wine to down... read

Sober enough

A review of Blue Bronco, Christmas Tree

by jeffwinterton98 on 07/31/2009

The story itself is an ok read. The dialogue hard to follow at times. Try and cut down on the small desription. "Once the corroded terminals were thoroughly brushed, Lonny climbed in. No key; it was on the air filter, so he got out to fetch it." The page count could be widdled down with a quick edit. The dialogue needs, at times, a name to follow or proceed it. There are... read

CUT IT OUT

A review of Innocent When You Dream

by jeffwinterton98 on 07/31/2009

Good story. Flows pretty well. There is the beginning to tend with. There seems to be too much info. A step by step if you will when he is cutting the trees. Try and cut this down a bit. It may not be a big deal, but the girls shadow falls on Nick before she swings her Doc Martins over. Reads funny. Switch it. Also, on the beginning of page nine, its a bit hard to follow... read

Adam or Jacob

A review of Pour me

by jeffwinterton98 on 07/30/2009

Starting out, I thought I'd be following Adam. I started to feel something for the dismayed bartender. Even after, Jacob came in. And especially after Jacob told Adam the soccer story. Then, just like that, I was reading about a guy named Roger. Then, Jacob shows up, again. Luckily, for the writer, the story is well told after this. When Jacob arrived home and has a... read

Late comings

A review of Sam, Roscoe & Her

by jeffwinterton98 on 07/29/2009

After the first paragraph or so, I was dreading it. Too, much information about Sam, and his dog Roscoe. And the affection they have for each other. But, soon after, I found myself wondering what was going to happen with the woman. This part comes way too late. You should try and condense some info about Sam. It doesn't seem to coincide with the story. The act of Sam... read

WHO WHAT WHERE...

A review of As You Wish It

by jeffwinterton98 on 07/28/2009

I felt the story raced by. Telling about the main character, but not actually making me care for her. Too, much space was spent on telling us, and showing, how Sandy felt. We need to get to know her. Not about her. She wants to escape the life she leads. Desparately. But, the ending, the moment of truth, went by without a bang. Maybe, try and show her wanting, needing... read

Holy Notes

A review of Holy Karma

by jeffwinterton98 on 07/26/2009

At first, I thought I would be amused. But, as I read it felt like a notebook fool of notes. The story truck me as being more of an outline than an actual story. As if the Author was rushing to finish the story. The concept is fresh. But, the characters need to be fleshed out more. As for notes, there are many. The first thing that jumped out at me was having the copyright... read

Where did Andrew go?

A review of Andrew's Walk Home

by jeffwinterton98 on 07/24/2009

The very first thing I see is a different 'TITLE' on the first page, than the one I seen on the site. This made me go back and look twice. Keep the title the same on the page as on the site. There are a few typo's in the story, is the second thing I noticed. Such as "He said down and wondered why." I know that Andrew is English, But I'm thinking it should be He SAT... The very first thing I see is a different 'TITLE' on the first page, than the one I seen on the site. This made me go back and look twice. Keep the title the same on the page as on the site.

There are a few typo's in the story, is the second thing I noticed. Such as "He said down and wondered why." I know that Andrew is English, But I'm thinking it should be He SAT down and wondered why. Typos are easily passed over by the writer. I always have more than a few before I correct them. Give your short to a friend for a read. They should be able to pick anything out.

The story itself leads me down the road. Wondering what's going to happen to poor Andrew. Although, the story is a bit stale, I kept reading. Wondering about the ending.

As Andrew crosses the street he turns in to Wiley Coyote. Or at the least, that's his new name. Keep the name you have given your characters. Let others in the story refer to him by a different name.

And who is Mr. Morrell. That stopped me cold. I had to go back to see if I had missed him. He is never mentioned before the ending. Keep the characters that do not have an impact on the story or do not keep the story moving a generic name. Such as the case with 'the shop owner.'

The ending did nothing for me. Maybe try and have Andrew notice Karen on the steps. She eagerly awaits his crossing the street. She call for the kids. They wave to their father. Then, wham!

Also, Karen is mentioned as "A Woman" at the end. Again, if her name is Karen at the beginning, her name is Karen at the end. I felt like the story took a hard turn for the worse with the last four paragraphs. Others are introduced, peoples names have changed, and we have to wonder, who is the lady across the street. Once your on your path, stay on it. Never stray from it.

The short description of the story is a bit misleading. - Andrew walks home after surgery. Will his family welcome him back? - His family never interacts with Andrew after his surgery. He gets hit by a bus even before he can make it home. Describe what is in the story. Overall it could use a rewrite. Not much of one, but a rewrite, still.

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Submissions by jeffwinterton98

Reviews by jeffwinterton98 25

Comments About jeffwinterton98 20

Leemanchee on 08/03/2009

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DELETED ACCOUNT on 07/30/2009

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