jehall

Great concept

A review of Pieces

by jehall on 12/23/2007

This was a great concept for a short and the music was top-notch for building the tension, although, the sounds seemed to be too loud in places. Despite all this, I feel like there should've been more. The whole doesn't equal the sum of the parts in this case as the cinematography is great. I think you have a creepy idea, but can take it a lot further.

Cowboys vs. Vampires!

A review of Blood & Dust

by jehall on 12/23/2007

The concept of vampires in a western almost makes me drool with anticipation. I love the two genres and for them to be combined is something I don’t think I’ve ever seen, and I was right along with you for most of the way. The problem is once we get to the mythology part where Lauren and Wil learn Cayatte’s backstory – which goes on far too long – the story kind of comes to... The concept of vampires in a western almost makes me drool with anticipation. I love the two genres and for them to be combined is something I don’t think I’ve ever seen, and I was right along with you for most of the way. The problem is once we get to the mythology part where Lauren and Wil learn Cayatte’s backstory – which goes on far too long – the story kind of comes to a halt. I love the set up of the characters meeting and the first encounter in the saloon, but that fun vanishes later on; this was supposed to be a vampire western, yet it seems half of the story takes place in a mine. Why not use the Western setting more. I liked how you included Apache’s but I think you need to go farther than that. Everyone’s in the mine for more than 30 pages. I think this story would work best as focussing on the cowboy against the vampire. You can include some mythology I guess, but try not to have it take center stage as it does in the second half.

I’ll assume you knew it was written like a shooting script so I won’t fault you there, but I think you put a character in caps lock too many times in action slugs. Ie:
LAUREN
pushes her way through the throng and up to the wounded man.

I liked the characters, and rooted for Wil. I didn’t buy the love story though. The narration of Lauren is written like she experience a great love, and I didn’t see that. She lusted after Wil after just meeting him. It seems like you’re trying to make this epic when I think that it would work best as some campy fun. The dialogue was good for the most part, although, I felt Kelly’s tone switched a lot. Sometimes he was saying lines that were fitting with the epic theme, and at other times he seemed like he was saying lines that would work in the campy fun film. Every other character was fine for me, I just couldn’t pinpoint Kelly’s personality given the switching tone in dialogue.

Like I said, the first half is great; the first confrontation comes right at the perfect point where we know enough about the characters to care. However, I do feel the mine showdown is a bit messy with too much happening, and no explanation for it (How does Lauren appear in the cell without no one seeing?).

The first half is great, and is campy fun. I would recommend trying to think of another set piece, and reduce the time in the mine. Reduce the mythology focus and really make this a cowboy vs. vampire story that the first half promised. Best of luck. read

Did I read the logline right?

A review of Beautiful Country's History (version 1)

by jehall on 12/13/2007

This was a difficult script to read and, thus, a little difficult to critique. I suspect due to the story of the script, and the grammar mistakes made throughout the sp, that English is not the first language of the author. As a result, the sp is rather disjointed; many small scenes don’t really flow together; action paragraphs didn’t leave me with a clear picture of what... This was a difficult script to read and, thus, a little difficult to critique. I suspect due to the story of the script, and the grammar mistakes made throughout the sp, that English is not the first language of the author. As a result, the sp is rather disjointed; many small scenes don’t really flow together; action paragraphs didn’t leave me with a clear picture of what was happening such as sentences like, “Cars and trucks speed by. Zhu's bike, along with a couple of others, stops. The bike faces the other side of the avenue;” and interactions that seem rather rushed. I also don’t like the title since it seems like something Borat would say.

There doesn’t seem to be a clear concept driving this sp, which leads to many problems since the concept is everything. This story is described as someone choosing the wrong school and going to one that is all women. That’s a humorous situation and could help make a good comedy. But it’s hardly an issue and hardly mentioned. Then there’s the theme of a foreign student coming to a foreign, more liberal land where her views of race are not accepted and frowned upon. There’s also the issue of class as she strives to get into the more prestigious school of Johnson. There doesn’t seem to be any focus in this sp, and after reading the sp, I’m getting the feeling that the writer is going for more of a coming-of-age drama so the all-girls-school story line is just a distraction and serves no real purpose to the story. I never understood why she couldn’t do her Master’s there. What was so special about this other school for her? Why could she not do a Ph.D. at Clifford? I didn’t know the answers to these questions so I didn’t see the conflict.

The characters other than Shan, all seemed to have the same voice to me. And while I have no problem with a protagonist starting off as a racist, it seemed like she changed her ways because of everyone disapproving rather than her seeing the error in her ways. What Shan did confused me sometimes or maybe I misunderstood what was going on; Shan confides in Dani and rests her head on her, but didn’t they just meet? Things like this made me scratch my head.

The first 10 pages set up conflict, but after that, I wasn’t sure of plot points changing the course of things. By page 40, I wasn’t sure where we were going or what the story was about. Later on I saw some conflict, but I think the conflict needs to be brought to the forefront.

The logline of this script dwelled on the all girls school and that really doesn’t seem to be what this story is about. I recommend focussing on Shan’s transition to Western Culture and to her new life of Western school. Shan’s arc can stay relatively the same but refine those around her. Her interactions with these people should be what changes her. I think if you go back to the drawing board, you can find the parts that work and come back with a stronger story. If English isn't your first language, show the sp to a friend whose first language is English so they can show you the little language errors you made and how they can be fixed. Best of Luck.

A few typos I found:
Page 4: piece of corn is falls out
page 8: didn’t capitalize Hillary
page 9: why is Nadine storming to the TV, shouldn’t that be Shan?
Page 13 hillary dialogue I guess I've got to stop complaining.
Page 22 Didn't you say you knew a pray that would help you get in?
page 30 James returns to book to Shan
I stopped recording them after this. read

A thought-provoking suspense thriller

A review of Slave

by jehall on 12/11/2007

From the first page to the last, you held my attention, which is not an easy thing to do. While the idea of an Amazonian society certainly isn't original, the context to which you've placed it is. Setting this story long ago during the times when women didn't have many rights reminds the reader that this extreme society might not be that different than the 'normal' society... From the first page to the last, you held my attention, which is not an easy thing to do. While the idea of an Amazonian society certainly isn't original, the context to which you've placed it is. Setting this story long ago during the times when women didn't have many rights reminds the reader that this extreme society might not be that different than the 'normal' society that existed at this time. In fact, this script is filled with ideas from slavery to racism to women's rights to free will, and while there might not be a clear message or statement that comes out, I definitely felt like I had read something that was intelligent and thoughtful and allowed me to think about these subjects. I would've liked if his occupation of photography came more into play, but I loved the story of how these men are selected and once they arrive to the land, how they are treated. I don't usually write this, but I can't think of any specific improvements for the story.

The characters were strong and distinct that I never had a problem remembering a person. However, I would've liked to have seen Terrence more, since he's shown earlier to get along with Brady. He could've served a needed sidekick role for Brady. The dialogue is sharp and doesn't seem to be on-the-nose at all throught the script. Characters have unique voices, and as we all know, that is a huge challenge in writing a sp.

The structure was strong and all the major plot points seemed to happen at the right place. You always hear that the first 10 pages are the most important and this script is a shining example of that. I was hooked from the opening pages, especially the awesome moment where Deborah slits the throat of the wounded soldier. This moments delivers such a shock that I will find it hard to believe anyone stopped reading past this point. A criticism I did have was the moving forward 7 months seemed a bit uneven and messed up the nice flow of the script for me. Other than that, though, the pacing was great.

If you look at my past reviews, you would see that I'm not always this positive. I like to end reviews by offering ideas for improvement, but I'm really struggling to think of something right now. Perhaps, the ending is too easy, and a great thought-provoking story deserves an ending that is more psychological than action-packed. Besides a few earlier mentioned problems, I have little to change. I just think it would be a shame if this script is ever thought of an escape film. A great read and I wish you luck. read

They may be cute, but why shoud I care?

A review of Eurekaville (2nd draft)

by jehall on 11/26/2007

This was definitely a very creative and original script showing that the writer has a knack for writing good dialogue, but somehow this is a case of the whole not being the sum of it's parts. There were a lot of things I liked about this script, but somehow reading it, I always felt a bit out of the story and I'll try to do my best to put my finger on it. The concept that... This was definitely a very creative and original script showing that the writer has a knack for writing good dialogue, but somehow this is a case of the whole not being the sum of it's parts.

There were a lot of things I liked about this script, but somehow reading it, I always felt a bit out of the story and I'll try to do my best to put my finger on it. The concept that writers can write amazing stories quickly with the help of these inspiration faries was interesting. Their death gives our characters a good moral conflict they must deal with. However, because we never fully get a glimpse of the fairies (sorry if you didn't use that word, but that's what I think of to describe them) life. If we saw them as characters, we could relate to the dilemma of having to sacrifice their life for the sake of a good story. But without getting to know them and a better glimpse into their world, they could be ants for all I care. And most people wouldn't have a problem killing 10 ants or so everytime they wanted to write a good treatment.

Using this concept and setting it in the 40's was the right move. As this time period shows in their dialogue, which is very whimsical at times and I mean that as a compliment. In fact, some of the dialogue and exchanges between the characters at times made me feel like I was reading a sp from the 40's. There are more good one-liners in this sp then any other I've read recently. Some comments I have about the story are: why did Betty and Charles transform? From what I read elsewhere, it seemed like the fairies only produced excellent writing skills. If I'm wrong and this was explained then it needs to be made more clear. Also, I saw Adam's drugging of them coming a mile away. This isn't neccesarily a bad thing, I just want you to know in case you wanted it to be a surprise. I felt a little confused at the beginning when it starts with them waiting and then jumps into the story with the voiceover. I would say the voiceover isn't used effectively in here simply because it's too sparse. There times when two voiceover passages happen within pages, but other times where we go a long time without it.

Once they get to the cabin the story moves along nicely and there's good pacing. But I have to say the climax didn't feel climatic to me. I think it's very important in a fantasy that the reader clearly knows the rules of the world by the time the climax rolls around so we know what's at stake. But why would releasing some of the fairies make them all disappear? Did they not notice several disappearing with every day? And how is it that Adam expected he could go with them? The answers to these questions need to be set up beforehand and that could maybe be accomplished by examining their world more thoroughly so that we come to care about them as previously mentioned.

The characters were distinct enough that I would often know what dialogue went with what character. Helen had the qualities to be expected of the protagonist and Norman had a personality, which you don't always see in a villain. I'm not really sure of the structure. It didn't seem to me there were clear plot points representing the start of a new act, but I know not all sp's need this. However, starting out, I think first sp's need to follow the "rules".

There's a good idea here and the moral dilemmas that come with it are interesting, but killing a creature that I just met and looks cute isn't enough to make me relate to the central problem.

Best of luck. read

A bit sitcomish

A review of Only the Lonely

by jehall on 11/09/2007

This was a very, light read that I was able to get through pretty quickly. The reason for this is that not much really happens. Albert takes this woman in and schemes to keep her there so he can continue to work on a book. Good sp’s can be made out of this, but there has to be more to it other than this secret she’s holding. The set-up for this secret is explored throughout... This was a very, light read that I was able to get through pretty quickly. The reason for this is that not much really happens. Albert takes this woman in and schemes to keep her there so he can continue to work on a book. Good sp’s can be made out of this, but there has to be more to it other than this secret she’s holding. The set-up for this secret is explored throughout the whole sp, that it seems very anti-climatic when it is ultimately revealed.

The story kind of unfolded like a sitcom. I kept hearing laugh tracks in my head as Albert thought of ways to keep the girl here. Your writing was effective and during the first half of this sp, I thought this scenario could make for a good episode of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.” The reason it felt like a sitcom to me was these people didn’t act like real people. Why did Albert wait so long to ask her questions about who she is? Where is the big dramatic conflict? Make it known that Albert is extremely desperate to finish this book. Have his walls come crashing down. What does he really stand to lose? Is he near bankruptcy? Right now, the threat from his agent or publisher doesn’t seem that serious. The story also spends too much time in the apartment, making it feel like a stage play at times. Relish the opportunities out of the apartment such as when Dave asks Calvary for the “$100 special.” Show that actual interaction for a more comedic moment. Another thing I noticed is that there are too many similar scenes repeated such as Albert watching Calvary sleep. Also, how does Albert not notice huge ships? I like the idea of them having a disastorous “date” but something a little more believable will keep us interested. Something I really liked was Albert’s attempt to win her back by burning the papers and inadvertently setting himself on fire. I thought that was original and provided a real moment of laughter to counter the sincere attempt to win her back.

I didn’t feel I knew too much about the characters. Most of what they say and do seemed to be relevant to the current dilemmas they face. I think a little more time with Albert before Calvary enters the picture might help the reader have a better understanding of how Albert changes by the end of the story. Dave turns out to be an obligatory sidekick with witty remarks. I know most sp’s have this type of character, myself included, but I really think we need to find a way how they can service the story. You take Dave out of this and it wouldn’t affect much. The dialogue is good and humorous for the most part. However, watch that it’s not too much characters stating their thoughts. I thought it was okay in this regard until the end where Calvary talks about closure.

The structure was okay with plot developments in the right locations. I just think they need to be re-worked to create a more dramatic situation and sense of urgency. With all the time in the apartment, transitions become awkward since we’re mostly moving ahead in time, but always in the same location. Find ways to get them out of there.

Some typos: Pg 11, extra line between character slug and dialogue
pg 25 the quote from the book should have quotes for the whole passage
page 47 “feint” should be “faint”
page 60 missing “I” in Dave’s dialogue
page 72 “dinning table” should be “dining table”

You definitely have talent as a writer, but I just felt this actual piece lacked enough drama or plot for a feature. Maybe a tighter focus on why Albert needs to change and how Calvary makes him change will help. Best of luck. read

Great story, Wrong Genre

A review of A Lure - Rev

by jehall on 11/08/2007

This was a very enjoyable read as I found it very visual and easy to imagine what it would look like as it played out in my head. The concept of these leaflings who believe in the same God as the fish, yet argue over which group he loves more, when, in fact, he doesn’t love either of them, can definitely be seen as a commentary on today. It’s one of the most imaginative screenplays... This was a very enjoyable read as I found it very visual and easy to imagine what it would look like as it played out in my head. The concept of these leaflings who believe in the same God as the fish, yet argue over which group he loves more, when, in fact, he doesn’t love either of them, can definitely be seen as a commentary on today. It’s one of the most imaginative screenplays I’ve read in awhile on this site. However, every time adult subject matter came up, like Pervis swearing or attempted rapes, I was kind of taken out of the story because at other times I felt this should be a family fantasy. When your sp deals with a war between fish and leaflings, it feels like it’s the recipe for a very imaginative family film and I think it could work out better like that. This means the attempted rape would have to be taken out. The King can still long for Cricket, but all his talk could be about wanting her as his wife. Also, Pervis could not shoot the sheriff and himself, but maybe he falls and hits his head, or has a heart attack. I think re-gearing this as a fantasy family film boosts it’s selling potential too.

The story was good and had all the familiar elements with enough twists. Regardless if you keep this as an adult story, there needs to be something redeeming about Pervis. Even if you only give him a small moment where he looks at a picture of him and his wife and talks kindly to his dog. There are enough developments in the story throughout, that I was really involved in this sp and was eager to find out what would happen next. And that doesn’t happen a lot with sps on this site. I was curious about the pond though. I was thinking of a small pond, which it has to be since it was drained in little time, yet we’re told there are over a hundred fish in it. Also, I didn’t like the shooting of the deputy. For me, it came out of nowhere and did not make sense with the character. If this is kept as an adult story, then have him shoot himself as the deputy leaves so he’ll call for back up. You might need to think of something else that will make them want to go storming inside. Or show Pervis as a more desperate man earlier on. I was also a little confused as to why Cricket’s mother appears to be left behind at the end. If you do re-tool it as a sp for a younger audience than you’ll have to re-work the events that lead up to the climax.

The characters and dialogue in this sp were very well done. I empathized with Cricket and her struggle to question everything. I wanted the villains defeated and liked the sidekicks. Every character seemed to serve a purpose and the dialogue was good. There was a little exposition such as in the beginning where Silverback tells Cricket about why they dance when she already knows this. Other than my comments about Pervis, I really felt every character was right on the nose of what they should be and how they should service the story.

The structure of this sp was excellent. The first 10 pages set everything up rather nicely and made me eager to read more. Plot points seemed to be in the exact spot and that was the biggest strength of this sp. An event happened, followed by just enough reaction, then another event. The pacing seemed to be right on.

A few extra notes I jotted down:
- the opening pages has a little too much description in the action paragraphs. You make up for it later though.
- The mater baiter joke thinks it’s much funnier than it actually is.
- Page 13: forgot someone’s name, page 32 Silverbark’s name is repeated twice, page 76: Milton’s dialogue is missing a “be”
- Do we need a pointless jab about Calvin having the air of a pedophile?

I know most of these comments have been negative, but I thoroughly enjoyed the script. Now I’m not a person who can’t stand subjects of rape or suicide in movies, but I enjoyed this script the most during its fantasy moments that gave this sp the feel of a family film. I think that’s what would serve this concept the best. Best of luck. read

Powerful script with troubled parts

A review of Shades of Gray

by jehall on 11/05/2007

This was an enjoyable read and there were certainily parts that had me in suspense wondering what would happen next. The writing style helped make me care about what happened. There was a certain humor and voice that could be seen in the action paragraphs, although you used too much description sometimes that we couldn't see. While I am in favor of a line describing something... This was an enjoyable read and there were certainily parts that had me in suspense wondering what would happen next. The writing style helped make me care about what happened. There was a certain humor and voice that could be seen in the action paragraphs, although you used too much description sometimes that we couldn't see. While I am in favor of a line describing something we can't see about a major character when their first introduced, you continued doing this about some characters throughout. There were also a few spelling errors here and there.

The concept is nothing new. Several characters lives become intertwined all leading up to a tragic climax where someone will die. This dealt with racism, which has been done before in similar stories. You even use the common method of showing a bit of the climax at the beginning, and then moving back, adding to the feeling that this script is very familiar. However, the story is effective and does a nice job of slowly building up to the inevitable climax. I thought it was not predictable that Rob got shot three times, saving Jamal, and found that to be a rather powerful moment. The death of Darell, though, I felt was too much and a little convoluted. I also thought the ending with Thomas was silly and forced. There's no reason to include a handshake between the two. It feels quickly tacked-on.

I liked all the characters and found them to different enough with their own voices. However, I didn't buy Darell as the D.A.'s son. The best revelations are ones that we're surprised by but can immediately see that it makes sense and there were clues in front of us. The dialogue was good for the most part, but I found it to ring false when the cops spoke to each other. Also, the dialogue at the bar highlighting the male companionship seemed false since they were laughing at almost every single thing said.

It did take me awhile to get into this sp and I think it seems a little too disjointed at first. We jump from character to character in scene to scene rather quickly without getting a sense of where this could be heading. The mall encounter needs to come a little sooner. I was not a fan of the quick flashforwards to the cops speaking to each other. They did not seem to add anything, but I thought the flashforward at the very beginning was effective. When I see a voiceover at the beginning and end, though, I think it should also be used a few times throughout the script.

Overall, I think is a good screenplay that would make a decent movie. But I think with such a familiar concept and structure, this needs some changes to make it really stand out from the pack. read

Nice concept

A review of stalk photos

by jehall on 09/02/2006

I really liked the whole concept of a guy stealing cameras, developing the pictures, and then one day finding himself in the pictures. I really thought from that point this would go towards a more dark and mysterious territory, but when it didn't go there, I wasn't disappointed. The first half was pretty good but did have a few superfluous bits that could've been cut (brushing... read

A dumb dumb action sp

A review of Man of Action

by jehall on 08/15/2005

This is a dumb action movie that fails to use its concept to its utmost potential. That is not really an insult but the genre that this belongs to: the dumb action movie. What makes one of those work though is usually the characters and concept. While your concept of an action star is interesting, it does not seem like that is what Hawk is. Hawk is Rambo not an actor. This... This is a dumb action movie that fails to use its concept to its utmost potential. That is not really an insult but the genre that this belongs to: the dumb action movie. What makes one of those work though is usually the characters and concept. While your concept of an action star is interesting, it does not seem like that is what Hawk is. Hawk is Rambo not an actor. This guy should be a tough guy on screen and maybe he actually thinks he can do this stuff but when he actually tries saving his girl in the real world he should find it is not as easy as the movies. There is a lot of opportunity for comedy here but it is forfeited in exchange for just lazy action scenes. I say lazy because I found it hard to picture what exactly was happening. Not enough detail was given regarding the setting when these fights happen. It is extremely noticeable in the climax.

The set up is fine and I really like the line Hawk delivers after struggling to pull a camera out a moving vehicleâ€¦ that was almost too easy. We see how important Hawk is and what his girl means to him. And the story moves along at a nice pace and it kept me mildly interested. Although I was not sure why Hawk was hesitant right away to involve the police. What is missing is maybe Hawk referring to a movie he did similar to this situation and the police were corrupt and not to be trusted. But the one line he says about them being useless is not enough to warrant him going at this alone. I also did not like how everyone knew who Hawk was especially in a foreign country. Have him run into someone who does not know him and maybe this hurts his ego. Maybe one of the bad guys just knows he is rich but does not know from what.

After Tanya is rescued this sp loses a lot of steam because we get a scenario very similar to something previous; like Hawk breaking into the prison to free Enrique, we now have Hawk breaking into the home to free Martinez. And the ending seems to emotionally heavy for a dumb action movie which this has been all the way until the end. I do not think Tanya professing her love for Hawk right before falling to her death suits this material. We get the explanation of a secret plot which explains everything (although still leaves a few questions, who expects to marry a huge celebrity and not sign a pre nup?) and that is fine. But the emotion trying to be packed in all of a sudden is an odd fit.

Hawk should be changed more to a man who thinks action but finds it hard to apply. He spoke a little too dirty. I have no problem with language but once again it did not seem to fit this light action sp. I would like a little more motivation for Diego to explain why he goes along with everything other than an exclusive. There is some nice dialogue earlier portraying the awkwardness between Martinez and Hawk. Tanya is just there and does not get too much time to stand out. I did like what time we had with the cop but maybe some more explanation on why he is the one good cop left.

I do think there is potential here. But changing Hawk into a man with the same thoughts but different physical abilities would completely change this sp for the better.

I wish you success. read

TriggerStreet

Member Participation Level:

Recent Activity

Bio

Submissions by jehall

Reviews by jehall 53

Write a Comment

Submissions by jehall

Reviews by jehall 53

Write a Comment

Stay Connected!

Browse: