a screenplay
by jflynn31
A band of hapless misfits struggles to deal with the complications of a really big score.
jflynn31
member since 08/18/2010 |
last login 04/29/2013
Glad to be here. Love the site. I'm impressed by the quality of the writing and the earnest insight of the reviews. Thanks....
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Glad to be here. Love the site. I'm impressed by the quality of the writing and the earnest insight of the reviews. Thanks.
Submissions by jflynn31
Reviews by jflynn31 44
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A review of Something to beby jflynn31 on 11/01/2012I like a lot about what you’ve done here. The droll, violent witicisms really capture John Lennon’s personality. The overall absurdity, clever wordplay and ceaseless references to the Beatle’s life and music are well-timed and appropriate to the work as it’s laid out here. Unfortunately, you fall short when it comes to the precepts of traditional structure— as illustrated... I like a lot about what you’ve done here. The droll, violent witicisms really capture John Lennon’s personality. The overall absurdity, clever wordplay and ceaseless references to the Beatle’s life and music are well-timed and appropriate to the work as it’s laid out here.
Unfortunately, you fall short when it comes to the precepts of traditional structure— as illustrated by Syd Field. I’ll bet everything I own that you’ve read this observation from every reviewer thus far.
As it stands, this screenplay serves as a reverent tribute to the early films of Richard Lester. The problem lies in the fact that Lester got to work with the Beatles, early in their career— when they could do no wrong. Fans would pay money for the opportunity to watch them do laundry.
If you were to film this yourself, it would be kind of cool. Although prohibitively expensive, given the need to travel to location and the special effects needed for the fantasy scene(s).
If you intend to sell this screenplay, something more needs to happen. Audiences— especially American audiences— need a plot. But again, I’m sure you’ve heard this all before.
What I will say, is I really like the concept and what you do well, you do really well. If it were my work, I’d give it a stronger narrative skeleton.
And I think you have a formatting problem, since I read the script in almost no time. You can probably fix this by downloading Celtx— an awesome and free screenwriting program.
Other than that, I’d say keep with it. Absolutely. You have comedic timing and a cool imagination. The areas that need work, you can master with a little research and a lot of practice. Same as the rest of us.
So, in my opinion, you’re in a great place! read -
A review of Brokenby jflynn31 on 09/24/2012Overall this is an exceptionally good story. One of the best I’ve read on this website. For the sake of the story, I’m going to focus on the problems rather than laud you with praise. You’ve got a few tics that really undermine this work. You coach your actors in your stage direction and it makes your story seem melodramatic. Mostly, the coaching is completely unnecessary... Overall this is an exceptionally good story. One of the best I’ve read on this website. For the sake of the story, I’m going to focus on the problems rather than laud you with praise.
You’ve got a few tics that really undermine this work. You coach your actors in your stage direction and it makes your story seem melodramatic. Mostly, the coaching is completely unnecessary since your dialogue is strong enough to allow the reader to fill in the blanks. Thus your characters’ eyes don’t need to fill with trepidation. They don’t need to recoil at any questions or flinch from any memories. If you remove these bits and find that your scene lacks necessary punch or clarity, you should probably fix (strengthen) the dialogue. Or the stage direction, provided you don’t describe something that’s completely cliche or that can’t be filmed. Hence constructions like scrolling the “emotional rolodex” or flashing something “resembling a smile” don’t really work. Pinching the bridge of the nose is hackneyed shorthand for demonstrating exasperation or frustration. I’d nix those if I were you.
Your dialogue is strong throughout but a few things slow the story down. I’d retool Marina’s character. She straight out of central casting. A gruff but lovable Eastern European woman who omits articles and pronouns? After the third exchange, I came to dread her every appearance. I had a similar problem with Kevin’s phonetic speech. You’ve written the words phonetically, to remind the reader that he’s struggling to speak. However, the phonetic representation is usually exactly the way the word would be pronounced. It’s a heavy-handed affectation that pops the reader out of the story for a moment. That’s not good.
A writer has to look hard for anything that can even be mistaken for cliche. The Scorpion speech at the end, appears in The Crying Game. I found myself expecting events and many of them occurred. I knew Marinna would emerge as a hero. I knew Jen would make herself available for an awkward sexual encounter.
I have to commend you for your ending. I can’t stress this point enough. All of the dominant themes— overcoming injury, rehabilitation of a child molester, the quest for closure, etc— are meant to be mysteries. Or at the very least, the subject of eternal debate. I worried that you’d tie the loose ends up “too” nicely. You didn’t. I think it’s troubling that Daniel killed Kevin but I think it fits the story. I think you earned that bit of drama. I also like that Daniel disposed of the thumbdrive. To me, that was the watershed moment and redeemed a lot of the troubling issues that came before.
You’ve done a great job here. Please notice that most of my criticism is subjective and based on my personal taste. Keep up the good work. read -
A review of FRIGHTLANDby jflynn31 on 04/19/2012If you intend to make this film yourself, you’re probably good to go. The story works, for what it is. One could argue that the slasher picture’s been done to death but the compelling counter-argument can’t be denied: these films are still being made and people are still paying money to see them. Thus as a genre picture, what you have here works on a lot of levels. Strong,... If you intend to make this film yourself, you’re probably good to go. The story works, for what it is. One could argue that the slasher picture’s been done to death but the compelling counter-argument can’t be denied: these films are still being made and people are still paying money to see them. Thus as a genre picture, what you have here works on a lot of levels. Strong, mostly sympathetic characters. The requisite annoying creep who will undoubtedly get what he deserves and a workable premise involving a creepy, murderous devil-cult leader who’s died but who seems to have come back from the grave.
If you intend to sell this script, you should probably work on it some more. Some basic errors in grammar and syntax really take from the work you’ve done. It’s all fixable. In fact, most of the corrections could be done in a flash, either by you or by someone else who knows the rules cold.
Little things like “should of” instead of “should have” or “use to” instead of “used to.” While arguably minor details, they stop the narrative cold. The same is true of using um as an abbreviated form of “them.” You should probably write it ‘em. In the first twenty pages, I counted a dozen of these types of errors. I’ll leave it to another reviewer to point each one of them out.
“Terrrance,” “K.C.” and “Bob” is being yelled out by Ian, Koren and Makenna...” That’s a really bad sentence. I had to read if five times to figure out the meaning. Maybe something like “Ian, Koren and McKenna search for their friends, calling their names as they walk.”
I’d also consider strong descriptions of even minor characters. I had to take notes in order to remember which character you’d introduced and in what context. Again, if you’re filming this yourself, you won’t have to worry about that. The viewer will see the actor playing the character and determine what’s notable about his or her appearance. If you’re trying to sell this thing, you’re going to want to beef-up physical descriptions. You don’t want to make the reader work.
I’m ambivalent about the sexy scenes. You’ve taken a ham-handed approach to the scene in which Makenna flirts with the cop. Similarly, the flirtation and affair between Makenna and Koren seem like a vain attempt to come up with something novel that will excite the target audience. But on the other hand, the target audience will probably eat those scenes up. There’s no shortage of post-pubescent males who take an excessive interest in the notion of two gay women going at it. As a screenwriter, I don’t love the scene. As a film viewer I’d be turned off by it. But as a pragmatist I’d see it as a marketable vehicle. I think it’s an issue of who you’re writing. for.
But overall, this is good. You hit all the marks for this type of picture. I wish you the best of luck and keep with it. read
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Submissions by jflynn31
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a screenplay by jflynn31A band of hapless misfits struggles to deal with the complications of a really big score.
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Reviews by jflynn31 44
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A review of Something to beby jflynn31 on 11/01/2012I like a lot about what you’ve done here. The droll, violent witicisms really capture John Lennon’s personality. The overall absurdity, clever wordplay and ceaseless references to the Beatle’s life and music are well-timed and appropriate to the work as it’s laid out here. Unfortunately, you fall short when it comes to the precepts of traditional structure— as illustrated... I like a lot about what you’ve done here. The droll, violent witicisms really capture John Lennon’s personality. The overall absurdity, clever wordplay and ceaseless references to the Beatle’s life and music are well-timed and appropriate to the work as it’s laid out here.
Unfortunately, you fall short when it comes to the precepts of traditional structure— as illustrated by Syd Field. I’ll bet everything I own that you’ve read this observation from every reviewer thus far.
As it stands, this screenplay serves as a reverent tribute to the early films of Richard Lester. The problem lies in the fact that Lester got to work with the Beatles, early in their career— when they could do no wrong. Fans would pay money for the opportunity to watch them do laundry.
If you were to film this yourself, it would be kind of cool. Although prohibitively expensive, given the need to travel to location and the special effects needed for the fantasy scene(s).
If you intend to sell this screenplay, something more needs to happen. Audiences— especially American audiences— need a plot. But again, I’m sure you’ve heard this all before.
What I will say, is I really like the concept and what you do well, you do really well. If it were my work, I’d give it a stronger narrative skeleton.
And I think you have a formatting problem, since I read the script in almost no time. You can probably fix this by downloading Celtx— an awesome and free screenwriting program.
Other than that, I’d say keep with it. Absolutely. You have comedic timing and a cool imagination. The areas that need work, you can master with a little research and a lot of practice. Same as the rest of us.
So, in my opinion, you’re in a great place! read -
A review of Brokenby jflynn31 on 09/24/2012Overall this is an exceptionally good story. One of the best I’ve read on this website. For the sake of the story, I’m going to focus on the problems rather than laud you with praise. You’ve got a few tics that really undermine this work. You coach your actors in your stage direction and it makes your story seem melodramatic. Mostly, the coaching is completely unnecessary... Overall this is an exceptionally good story. One of the best I’ve read on this website. For the sake of the story, I’m going to focus on the problems rather than laud you with praise.
You’ve got a few tics that really undermine this work. You coach your actors in your stage direction and it makes your story seem melodramatic. Mostly, the coaching is completely unnecessary since your dialogue is strong enough to allow the reader to fill in the blanks. Thus your characters’ eyes don’t need to fill with trepidation. They don’t need to recoil at any questions or flinch from any memories. If you remove these bits and find that your scene lacks necessary punch or clarity, you should probably fix (strengthen) the dialogue. Or the stage direction, provided you don’t describe something that’s completely cliche or that can’t be filmed. Hence constructions like scrolling the “emotional rolodex” or flashing something “resembling a smile” don’t really work. Pinching the bridge of the nose is hackneyed shorthand for demonstrating exasperation or frustration. I’d nix those if I were you.
Your dialogue is strong throughout but a few things slow the story down. I’d retool Marina’s character. She straight out of central casting. A gruff but lovable Eastern European woman who omits articles and pronouns? After the third exchange, I came to dread her every appearance. I had a similar problem with Kevin’s phonetic speech. You’ve written the words phonetically, to remind the reader that he’s struggling to speak. However, the phonetic representation is usually exactly the way the word would be pronounced. It’s a heavy-handed affectation that pops the reader out of the story for a moment. That’s not good.
A writer has to look hard for anything that can even be mistaken for cliche. The Scorpion speech at the end, appears in The Crying Game. I found myself expecting events and many of them occurred. I knew Marinna would emerge as a hero. I knew Jen would make herself available for an awkward sexual encounter.
I have to commend you for your ending. I can’t stress this point enough. All of the dominant themes— overcoming injury, rehabilitation of a child molester, the quest for closure, etc— are meant to be mysteries. Or at the very least, the subject of eternal debate. I worried that you’d tie the loose ends up “too” nicely. You didn’t. I think it’s troubling that Daniel killed Kevin but I think it fits the story. I think you earned that bit of drama. I also like that Daniel disposed of the thumbdrive. To me, that was the watershed moment and redeemed a lot of the troubling issues that came before.
You’ve done a great job here. Please notice that most of my criticism is subjective and based on my personal taste. Keep up the good work. read -
A review of FRIGHTLANDby jflynn31 on 04/19/2012If you intend to make this film yourself, you’re probably good to go. The story works, for what it is. One could argue that the slasher picture’s been done to death but the compelling counter-argument can’t be denied: these films are still being made and people are still paying money to see them. Thus as a genre picture, what you have here works on a lot of levels. Strong,... If you intend to make this film yourself, you’re probably good to go. The story works, for what it is. One could argue that the slasher picture’s been done to death but the compelling counter-argument can’t be denied: these films are still being made and people are still paying money to see them. Thus as a genre picture, what you have here works on a lot of levels. Strong, mostly sympathetic characters. The requisite annoying creep who will undoubtedly get what he deserves and a workable premise involving a creepy, murderous devil-cult leader who’s died but who seems to have come back from the grave.
If you intend to sell this script, you should probably work on it some more. Some basic errors in grammar and syntax really take from the work you’ve done. It’s all fixable. In fact, most of the corrections could be done in a flash, either by you or by someone else who knows the rules cold.
Little things like “should of” instead of “should have” or “use to” instead of “used to.” While arguably minor details, they stop the narrative cold. The same is true of using um as an abbreviated form of “them.” You should probably write it ‘em. In the first twenty pages, I counted a dozen of these types of errors. I’ll leave it to another reviewer to point each one of them out.
“Terrrance,” “K.C.” and “Bob” is being yelled out by Ian, Koren and Makenna...” That’s a really bad sentence. I had to read if five times to figure out the meaning. Maybe something like “Ian, Koren and McKenna search for their friends, calling their names as they walk.”
I’d also consider strong descriptions of even minor characters. I had to take notes in order to remember which character you’d introduced and in what context. Again, if you’re filming this yourself, you won’t have to worry about that. The viewer will see the actor playing the character and determine what’s notable about his or her appearance. If you’re trying to sell this thing, you’re going to want to beef-up physical descriptions. You don’t want to make the reader work.
I’m ambivalent about the sexy scenes. You’ve taken a ham-handed approach to the scene in which Makenna flirts with the cop. Similarly, the flirtation and affair between Makenna and Koren seem like a vain attempt to come up with something novel that will excite the target audience. But on the other hand, the target audience will probably eat those scenes up. There’s no shortage of post-pubescent males who take an excessive interest in the notion of two gay women going at it. As a screenwriter, I don’t love the scene. As a film viewer I’d be turned off by it. But as a pragmatist I’d see it as a marketable vehicle. I think it’s an issue of who you’re writing. for.
But overall, this is good. You hit all the marks for this type of picture. I wish you the best of luck and keep with it. read -
A review of Long Train To Nowhere(rewrite)by jflynn31 on 04/09/2012I think this is great. For me, a telling feature is that I pictured Stan and Larry, even though you’ve given virtually no physical description. That’s huge. It means that you’ve defined your characters clearly, using only action and dialogue. I felt like their dialogue would be more suited to guys in their forties. In my experience, guys in their thirties rarely talk about... I think this is great. For me, a telling feature is that I pictured Stan and Larry, even though you’ve given virtually no physical description. That’s huge. It means that you’ve defined your characters clearly, using only action and dialogue. I felt like their dialogue would be more suited to guys in their forties. In my experience, guys in their thirties rarely talk about having failed at life.
I probably laughed out loud a dozen times. You have the rare ability to hit comedic marks with precise timing and subtly. A lot of writers strive to be funny but it’s one of those things like rhythm or quick feet— you’ve either got it or you don’t. On page 51 (please number your pages) Larry counters Gwen’s insult with a line that begins “Now don’t hold back on my account, honey...” That’s a hackneyed line and I’ve heard a bunch of people use it before. But the way you’ve layered it into that scene, it actually struck me funny. I laughed out loud. Again, I’d say this comes from your innate ability to hit comedic marks. And it helped define Larry’s character a bit more, in that it showed a tougher facet to his wallowing, self-deprecating nature.
Maybe the ending’s a bit to pat. The loose ends are tied up a little too nicely, what with Gwen actually knowing Claudia. If it were my story, I’d stretch that out a bit more. The story turns on a dime with a single voice-mail and I think that strains its credibility.
You might want to proof again for typos: had should be hand (42), throw should be thrown (52) etc. You should also eliminate passive voice constructions like “clothes laid out,” and “words are very slurred.”
But these are minor points. Your screenplay is a breezy, fast read about two heists and a train caper but despite the fact that you’ve covered well-trodden ground, you've made it your own. I liked it very much.
Good luck and keep at it. read -
A review of Project Jingle Bellby jflynn31 on 04/02/2012It’s always bad news when I find myself scrolling up to determine the role of a character, who suddenly appears doing something relevant. I had to do that with both Jessica and Morris. You’re story is really cluttered with characters. By page 58, the reader’s determined very little. Andrew is falsely accused and struggling. Kate is disaffected and troubled. Grime vacillates... It’s always bad news when I find myself scrolling up to determine the role of a character, who suddenly appears doing something relevant. I had to do that with both Jessica and Morris. You’re story is really cluttered with characters. By page 58, the reader’s determined very little. Andrew is falsely accused and struggling. Kate is disaffected and troubled. Grime vacillates between being a creep, a victim and a decent, albeit troubled man. And Andrew seems to want to do charitable work, despite an endless stream of often irrelevant obstacles. Film is a visual medium. If you intend to sell this story, you’re going to have to grab every reader’s interest. By page 10.
I hate being hard on writers. I know what it’s like to pour yourself into a story only to have some reviewer just rip it to shreds. Believe me.
But you, like every one of us, are going to have to endure some harsh criticism if you ever intend to get good enough to see your work make it to the screen.
But the characters. The story’s lousy with them. I hate when I have to make a flow chart of names and events, just so I can pass the test that allows me to be credited with a review. I feel terrible saying that but it’s the truth. You’ve got to make this roar. Every time I read a character name, I should know exactly who he or she is and why she’s appearing in a particular scene. Then to change the deities' names midway really only adds to the confusion. This was a tough read.
I had to scroll up to remind myself who Michael was on pg. 65 then again with Lilith on pg. 87. On my way up I saw the name Kilroy and had to read the dialogue exchange to remind myself that he was the pimp in the early scenes.
Honestly, if this were my story, I’d rewrite it. Tighten, clarify and give it some punch.
Good luck and keep with it. read -
A review of Children of the Revolutionby jflynn31 on 03/04/2012This one’s a tough nut to crack. You do so much right and the things you do wrong (according to the didacts) kind of work. I loved the beginning. I was immediately taken in— in fact it reminded me of Hope and Glory. But it took an abrupt turn, for me, the moment Styx came to life. As far as what you do right: the primary characters are extremely well-defined and their... This one’s a tough nut to crack. You do so much right and the things you do wrong (according to the didacts) kind of work.
I loved the beginning. I was immediately taken in— in fact it reminded me of Hope and Glory. But it took an abrupt turn, for me, the moment Styx came to life.
As far as what you do right: the primary characters are extremely well-defined and their actions compelling. I loved the dialogue and the stage direction was clear and easy to follow. Exciting, a lot of the time.
You break a rule that’s always bothered me: you write stage direction that can’t be filmed. In other words, you describe characters in the action segments when you should probably demonstrate the characteristics with filmable action and dialogue. Billy, for example, is popular and Jack is loyal and trustworthy. Eventually you demonstrate these qualities but if it were my story, I’d just go with the actions that demonstrate rather than the expository claims. Still, that’s a minor point, to be sure.
If you read the first three pages of Michael Mann’s Heat, you see that he makes the same “mistake” repeatedly. And it works. I think, for the most part, it works in your script too.
The necessary suspension of disbelief— starting the moment Styx comes to life— immediately limits your viewing market to kids. Seriously, training kids to operate, let alone repair military vehicles in two days? Helicopters are incredibly hard to operate and have a slew of moving parts. Then you’ve got the nagging ballistics issues: what in Christ’s name propels the sweets? Is it gunpowder? Magic?
A lot of great movies require a ton of this suspension. The Wizard of Oz, March of The Wooden Soldiers, the original Willy Wonka.... I kept thinking of my four year old. I’d think he’d really like your movie a lot.
Which brings me to another salient strong point: your movie is one thing. It’s not some mash-up garbage like Shrek or Madigascar that’s obviously been created by a focus group that has to include drug and sexual references to please the older crowd, as well as the children. I really like that about your screenplay.
Finally, the dream ending is problematic. The Wizard of Oz kind of stands as the last word for that kind of deus ex machina ending. But on the other hand, it ties all your loose ends nicely.
So as you can see, I’m ambivalent. I liked it, mostly. And think it would be a great movie for kids. Nice job read -
A review of Grace and Consistencyby jflynn31 on 07/31/2011I enjoyed this story but it definitely suffers from pacing problems. If you’re going to break up the linear time-line, you should probably include more signifiers than hair-length and hair-color. I had difficulty placing the characters in their specific times. I also had trouble with the characters at the dinner party. I had difficulty telling them apart. This story’s... I enjoyed this story but it definitely suffers from pacing problems. If you’re going to break up the linear time-line, you should probably include more signifiers than hair-length and hair-color. I had difficulty placing the characters in their specific times.
I also had trouble with the characters at the dinner party. I had difficulty telling them apart.
This story’s most notable strength is dialogue and that’s a good thing since many writer’s struggle with the task of making their characters speak in a realistic and authentic way. The dialogue’s so strong, in fact, that it makes the other necessary revisions seem like fine-tuning. I think that says a lot about your ability and about the strength of this specific story.
This story takes awhile to get going. In fact, the first eighty pages consist of slow-paced backstory, with the exception of the jail scene, which is exceedingly long and consists of pecking banter between Tom and Neill. It’s not until Neill starts talking about his brother’s plight that the actual story takes off. At the risk of sounding like an American— who needs car crashes and explosions to stay engaged in a movie— I had to force myself to stay focused in the beginning of this screenplay. That’s not a good sign.
One problem with your dialogue, is that, sometimes, it’s too realistic to serve the story. On page seventy three for example:
“...a therapist.”
“You?”
“Aye.”
“A therapist?”
“Aye.”
“Like a fucking psychologist?”
“Aye.”
This type of repetition recurs in different forms throughout the screenplay. On one hand, people actually do talk this way. Sometimes, however, it doesn’t really work in a screenplay.
If it were my story, I’d change the stage direction to make it more visual. Sometimes the only break in dialogue involves cigarettes (drawing, lighting, rolling etc.). Film is a visual medium. If it were mine, I’d amp the visual value to augment the dialogue. I think the story suffers from long, unbroken stretches of dialogue— a lot of it small talk. Like at the dinner party, for example.
Similarly, I’d avoid most of the direction/indication (childish voice, petulantly, etc.). I’d also nix any stage-direction that can’t actually be filmed (He’s testing Tom, this is hard for him, Tom doesn’t rise to the bait, etc.).
And finally, I didn’t really like the ambiguous ending. I felt like I deserved to see what was in the file— it made Grace react even though she seems to have come to terms with the problems in Tom’s past.
I also felt like I deserved to know which body the authorities found.
Still, a very good story on a lot of levels. Good luck to you. read -
A review of The Lamentby jflynn31 on 07/17/2011I like this story a lot. I like the multi-faceted nature of your P.O.V. You’ve done an admirable job of making him sympathetic, even though he earns what seems to be an eternity of punishment for some pretty heinous crimes. In a sense, you have three characters: the contrite penitent, presumably damned to hell, the polite, introverted and damaged electrician whose painful... I like this story a lot. I like the multi-faceted nature of your P.O.V. You’ve done an admirable job of making him sympathetic, even though he earns what seems to be an eternity of punishment for some pretty heinous crimes. In a sense, you have three characters: the contrite penitent, presumably damned to hell, the polite, introverted and damaged electrician whose painful history leads him to protect and seek vengeance and finally, a raging psychopath, who bashes juvenile bullies’ heads in with a crowbar.
I think the story could benefit from your fleshing out the P.O.V.’s motives and going a bit deeper into the workings of his mind. There’s a troubling disconnect between the event he describes from his childhood— which is somewhat harsh but also kind of typical— and his desire, as an adult, to exact vengeance in the form of murder. I think what you’ve done so far is a good start. If it were my story, I’d spend a bit more time with his unhappy childhood. There had to be more than what you’ve (he’s) described, unless your P.O.V. is just really crazy and dangerous. If that’s the case, you should probably flesh-out his malady with dialogue, action, thought, etc. As it stands, it doesn’t ring true but I bet you could fix it in a few re-writes.
Anyway, good job. Good luck to you and I hope you keep with it. read -
A review of The Car and Candice (Revised)by jflynn31 on 06/12/2011Your writing has an enviable seamless quality. I really like the way this story made me think, even though you’re obviously not tripping over yourself to write in an overly-literary or “writerly” way. I read Flight 18 and I was glad to get a bit more insight into the driver-character. I think it’s remarkable that I didn’t like the interaction with the girl at first. I... Your writing has an enviable seamless quality. I really like the way this story made me think, even though you’re obviously not tripping over yourself to write in an overly-literary or “writerly” way. I read Flight 18 and I was glad to get a bit more insight into the driver-character.
I think it’s remarkable that I didn’t like the interaction with the girl at first. I find the driver character sympathetic on a lot of levels and I didn’t want him to mistreat the girl. Clearly you’ve done an admirable job of creation— I actually care about the character and I want to continue liking him. And when the smoke cleared, I still liked the guy. In fact I enjoyed the interaction, ultimately. It was interesting and unpredictable.
I don’t have much in the way of constructive criticism. I suppose I could say something about the character arc being too subtle or about the story not offering any groundbreaking insight into the human condition. Why bother? I liked it. Very good, in fact. “Rock on” as the kids say. read -
A review of SCORCHINGby jflynn31 on 06/12/2011I’m powerfully ambivalent about this story. At first glance, I thought I was in for another profane, pop-culture laden rant. On page two, you let the reader know that the P.O.V. is a high-school student and immediately, I found the voice sympathetic. However, the similarities between your P.O.V.’s voice and that of Holden Caufield are extremely obvious and heavy-handed... I’m powerfully ambivalent about this story. At first glance, I thought I was in for another profane, pop-culture laden rant. On page two, you let the reader know that the P.O.V. is a high-school student and immediately, I found the voice sympathetic. However, the similarities between your P.O.V.’s voice and that of Holden Caufield are extremely obvious and heavy-handed. The fact that you refer to Salinger overtly only seems to make the comparison more obvious and difficult to swallow. Almost everyone’s read Catcher in the Rye and almost everyone’s read some writer’s attempt to capture the essence of Salinger’s Holden Caufield.
I think you’ve got the potential for something really great here and if I were you, I’d eliminate the similarities almost entirely. Or at least tone them down. I don’t mean to bash you. I think every writer reads something that blows them away and then attempts to incorporate what they like about the author’s style into their own work. I think writers do it consciously and sub-consciously and I think a lot of the time, it subtracts rather than adds to a story. But it can go either way.
If I were you, I’d focus on the Holden-esque qualities in abstract. So many times in this story, you take an obviously unbalanced character’s voice and inject some amazing human qualities— empathy, genuine love, an artist’s eye. You make it abundantly clear that there’s beauty in craziness. And vice-versa. If I were you, I’d focus on these types of passages.
The last three pages are laden with examples and you seem to de-emphasise the profane rants, even though they’re there and definitely add spice to the P.O.V.’s observations (bag groceries without picking butt etc.).
After I post this, I’m going to read other reviews and I expect to see that plenty of readers like this story just the way it is.
It’s good. You have a great command of the language. I hope you keep with it. read
Comments About jflynn31 25
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samjam170 on 01/15/2013
Hi I'm Sam and I'm an aspiring film director. I'm 15 years old and a huge fan of Quentin Tarantino. I'm looking for someone to write my new movie and I really like your stuff. I will give you more detail but email me to let me know your interested: stg170@gmail.com
Thanks -
Savene on 12/18/2012
I want to express my appreciation for your time in reviewing Samantha Wednesday. As new as I am to writing, I enjoy hearing different opinions on what could make it better.
I agree on making this film myself, which has been the goal from the moment I wrote it, but I don't think it would be as good as it is now without people like you and your honest opinion. I still feel it could be better, so I have it up on TS for this very reason.
Thanks again!
Savene -
stephjones on 12/03/2012
Hey Jay,
Did you get my email? -
Michael Keller on 11/07/2012
Thanks for the insights! -
davybaws on 11/05/2012
Many thanks for taking the time to read and review my script, Something To Be. I agree with the problems you pointed out and appreciate the positives you were kind enough to mention. Thanks very much. -
happywash on 09/24/2012
Thank you very much for your insightful review of Broken. You focused on issues that most other people didn't, which is always nice. And I also thank you for the very kind words overall. I sincerely appreciate the time and effort you took to really read the script and "get" it. -
William Mandell on 04/19/2012
I hope you find those drafts useful. Just keep in mind, as far as structure is concerned On-Scene Euthanasia (soon to be re-titled "The Unsavables"), this script still has some structural problems, even now. I really don't have a clear 1st act turn, so it is what it is. Just keep that in mind. -
stephjones on 04/12/2012
Congrats on Redemption song getting featured! -
William Mandell on 04/11/2012
Thanks a lot for your review of On-Scene Euthanasia. It's definitely a polarizing spec, people either love it or hate it, I'm glad it entertained you. Certainly it's for a younger audience. I had one question though, since I recently added in this version. What did you think about the subplot with Mongo? Anyway, thanks again.
-William -
mallorymay on 04/04/2012
Thanks for your review. I have one question. I can see from your test score that you possibly did not finish reading my script to the very end. If that's not the case, I apologize. However, if you did stop reading it at some point, it would help me a lot to know where the script became less engrossing or captivating. Was it at some point in the third act? If so, where?
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Comments About jflynn31 25
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Quote
Hi I'm Sam and I'm an aspiring film director. I'm 15 years old and a huge fan of Quentin Tarantino. I'm looking for someone to write my new movie and I really like your stuff. I will give you more detail but email me to let me know your interested: stg170@gmail.com
-
Quote
I want to express my appreciation for your time in reviewing Samantha Wednesday. As new as I am to writing, I enjoy hearing different opinions on what could make it better.
-
Quote
Hey Jay,
+ more commentssamjam170 on 01/15/2013
Thanks
Savene on 12/18/2012
I agree on making this film myself, which has been the goal from the moment I wrote it, but I don't think it would be as good as it is now without people like you and your honest opinion. I still feel it could be better, so I have it up on TS for this very reason.
Thanks again!
Savene
stephjones on 12/03/2012
Did you get my email?