jiggson

A review of Love Hack's Revenge

by jiggson on 04/11/2013

This was a well written screenplay with few typos or formatting errors. The characters all had clear voices and I could easily follow the plot and story. The one element of the structure that could use some work is the use of Voice Over. Voice Over is a difficult thing to pull off successfully and it does not work in this script. The short segment at the beginning between... read

Review of - School for the Blind

A review of School for the Blind (first draft)

by jiggson on 04/02/2013

School for the Blind was well written and clear. The formatting was correct for the most part. There were a couple of places where dialogue was in the Action section and vice versa. These are easily correctable. The characters had different personalities and voices and the screenplay was an easy read. I did have a hard time telling if this was meant to be a comedy or a... read

Review of The Girl of Givet

A review of The Girl of Givet

by jiggson on 04/04/2011

The Girl of Givet was an easy enough read and the time period, though used often, still has plenty of potential for compelling stories. I did feel that it should have focused more on Adeline and her story, given the title. This is a hard screenplay for me to review for some reason, so I am just going to list out some of the areas I felt could use some improvement. Opening... The Girl of Givet was an easy enough read and the time period, though used often, still has plenty of potential for compelling stories. I did feel that it should have focused more on Adeline and her story, given the title.

This is a hard screenplay for me to review for some reason, so I am just going to list out some of the areas I felt could use some improvement.

Opening scene isn't needed. It is all exposition and is conveyed better elsewhere in the story.

The scene immediately following the exposition in the opening scene is never given context. It feels like something we should be building towards throughout the backstory/time jumping, but it is not. You have the biggest set piece in the screenplay in the second scene and it has no consequence to your story.

There are way too many "Super" inserts for date and many like "the next day", or "Half an hour into Fournier’s interrogation", or "approaching the Carmelite cloister, June, 1942.", or "the next morning" etc. are not really how Supers are used. At least they do not feel effective here.

Switching back and forth between Paul Olivier and Fournier is distracting and not needed.

I didn't understand the struggle at teh heart of the screenplay. There is never a good reason given for Adeline being kept in the dark and at arms read from Paul Olivier. Maybe when she first arrives, but once she is in the Resistance and the Old Belgian and the Prior are working with here, you would think they would trust here enough to know about the hidden artists (Oscar and Horst).

The stakes are never quite high enough, which is odd considering the setting. There is opportunity to add real drama and danger to this story, especially with Huber, but he is more of a blowhard, than a danger, and when he is finally defeated, it is quite easily done.

The story as a whole needs to be narrowed and focused.
Who is the girl from Givet?
What does she want?
What is stopping her from getting it?
How is she going to overcome that obstacle?

I did think the writing was clear and concise. I was able to follow the action and the story, which is good considering this is a non-linear story at times. the characters were pretty well drawn and each had their own personality. The setting was vivid and I could visualize the world in which the story was set.

I wish you the best of luck with it and I hope story continues to evolve and improve. read

Hurricane Season Review

A review of Hurricane Season

by jiggson on 11/15/2007

This was a pretty standard, come from behind, underdog story. That being said, I rooted for the kids and wanted to see them succeed. Past the middle of the story, Eric was an easy character to support. His breakdown on his sisters and girlfriend was hard to swallow. It will be hard to root for a character who is a complete ass to little girls and forces them out of a... read

Review of The Mine

A review of The Mine

by jiggson on 10/11/2007

I believe The Mine has been on TS in various versions, for quite some time, so I was happy to see it as an assignment. This was one of the more polished scripts I have read on Triggersreet. You did a solid job crafting an ensemble cast of characters and weaving the story of a WWI assault around them. The writing is professional, the structure is solid, and the characters... read

Review of Atomic Blitz

A review of Operation: Atomic Blitz

by jiggson on 10/09/2007

I have been taking this script in, in small bites all week, which is not my preferred method for reading. That being said, I enjoyed it and wished I could have had a longer stretch of time to inhale it. This is a fun script/story. It doesn't take itself too seriously and that is just what it needs to succeed. There were only a couple of story points I didn't follow.... I have been taking this script in, in small bites all week, which is not my preferred method for reading. That being said, I enjoyed it and wished I could have had a longer stretch of time to inhale it. This is a fun script/story. It doesn't take itself too seriously and that is just what it needs to succeed.

There were only a couple of story points I didn't follow.

The part about Dukes having planted the “dud” explosives in the tree... Why did he have to plant them there? The Commandos brought guns and other gear, they couldn't bring explosives? Where was it mentioned that they were left in the tree for them? I just read they they open a tree and there are explosives there, I didn't understand that they were left by someone else until way late in the script. I went back and read the first couple of pages, but there isn't an explanation for how the explosives got in the tree.

Easy fix, but it threw me while reading.

The other story point, well, convenience really, is when Hamlet pops out of the manhole close to the pier. It seemed too easy that he would show up at the right spot at the right time. Not that big of a deal , but I made a note of it while reading.

There was an exchange on page 21 that I didn't understand. Von Kiel says Johanna left for Copenhagen, then immediately says that she should be around the castle somewhere. I read it a couple of times to see if I missed something and I was either too tired to catch it, or the lines conflict with one another.

There are some stretches here and there in abilities, science, etc. but the script and story were compelling enough that I let it go and just bought into the world you created.

Early on I got confused about Garret and Davies being the same person. He is called Davies, but his dialogue line is Garrett. Wasn't a big deal as the story went on, but early it was confusing.

Overall this was enjoyable. It took a little while to get going, but once into the main story (and killing off most of the early cast) it flowed well and I enjoyed the read. I did hope one of Garrett's comrades had made it to the ground alive, but that was not their fate I guess.

Good luck with the script! read

Thrill Review

A review of Thrill

by jiggson on 10/01/2007

Thrill is a quick read and the story delivers on the title. There is a lot of exciting action here and it is very visual. The action reads well and I could follow the complex sequences easily. So, nice work there. The writing is stronger late in the screenplay than in the beginning and I think the screenplay would be well served if the author revisited the first 15 pages... Thrill is a quick read and the story delivers on the title. There is a lot of exciting action here and it is very visual. The action reads well and I could follow the complex sequences easily. So, nice work there.

The writing is stronger late in the screenplay than in the beginning and I think the screenplay would be well served if the author revisited the first 15 pages and did some work there. The writing is more passive (lots of is of 's in the first few pages), but I didn't notice this later in the script.

There is some flahyness to the writing, but it wasn't distracting for this reader and suited the tone of the story well enough.

I had a couple of problems with the story though: Greg survives the free fall in the intro (could the chute deploy at the last moment to at least slow the decent?) Cassie came off as kind of weak. Bobby flips to wanting out of the “thrill life” too easily after one big scare. Chance goes from thrill seeker to not caring about his teammate's death and kidnapping Cassie with no apparent reason.

Those last two bothered me the most.

Bobby and Greg's conversation about Bobby wanting to quit gets repetitive (p.62-64), it is the same point-=counter point made again and again with no real point. Bobby started the whole thing, is putting up 100mil and folds like a bad poker hand at the first sign of trouble? In the challenge he concocted? Then he folds again to go ahead with the next challenge? I had trouble swallowing that one. It didn't seem to fit the personality of the person we had grown to know over the first 60 pages. This is the guy who almost killed his best friend while wresting during a sky dive, then has the stones to ask that some guy to be his wingman in a thrill competition after not speaking for three years. He apparently didn't even stop by to check up on Greg during his recuperation. I don't buy that he is going to be the voice of reason because he got too close to a the wheels of a Z.

Chance is a man-of-the-world playboy. He likes fun, power, and adrenaline. He helps Greg win Cassie back, he laughs off near death experiences. He charms girls two at a time. For him to blow off his Alexis' death (everyone is a bit flip about her passing) and then kidnap Cassie and tie her to a roller coaster of death was hard to believe. I'm not sure how to fix this one. Maybe if the whole competition was supposed to be orchestrated by some mysterious third party, that wouldn't let the participants out once they were in. The third party could turn out to be Chance, but at least his would explain his split personality.

I can suspend disbelief for the crazy action, for the young billionaires, for the free fall to earth, the complete recovery of this, the bribes to cops, etc. but I have to buy the character motivations for this kind of script to work for me. The world these people exist in is fantasy, so they have to be the anchor. They have to be what the audience can latch onto and believe in.

Anyway. I did enjoy the script. The writing worked well for me and I like Greg, Black Jack, and Bobby. I wanted to see Greg save the day and I was glad he did. Good luck with is and any future drafts or projects.

One last small note.
On Page 57 at the bottom Cassie says “it scares the hell out of me...”
On Page 60 in the middle Cassie says “Scare me to imagine”
The lines are very similar and read oddly so close together. read

Review of The Shoe Tree

A review of The Shoe Tree

by jiggson on 09/01/2007

I enjoyed this script. I liked the characters and this made me care about their problems. I thought it was well written. There were only a couple of mistakes and these were not show stoppers. A small quibble is with the character's Lori and Leah's names. There were too close to one another and I got confused a couple of times as to whom I was following. Loris also disappears... I enjoyed this script. I liked the characters and this made me care about their problems. I thought it was well written. There were only a couple of mistakes and these were not show stoppers.

A small quibble is with the character's Lori and Leah's names. There were too close to one another and I got confused a couple of times as to whom I was following. Loris also disappears for fifty pages in the middle, which makes her seem more like a convenient sound board for Leah, than a real person.

The same thing happens with Joe and Trey. They are there once earl, give us some laughs, then nothing till the end.

I didn't understand if Porter was a good guy or not. He was window dressing instead of a character.

Why is Leah writing a script and was there any significance to it?

Paul is just all bad. I know there are people like this in the world, but why is he so bad and why would Stacy be with him? I would like to have seen his charm in action, to show how he could manipulate someone like Stacy into his life and that the danger existed for Ramada to fall into the same trap.

I'm not saying you need to give all these people lots of screen time, but they start out as interesting people, then disappear. I kept waiting for their return and their importance to the story.

There were a couple of gaps in the story that I had a problem with. There was no real resolution with Stacy, Paul, and Leah, especially the relationship with Stacy and Leah. I wanted something to happen there. You have connection between Paul, Finn, Ramada, and Stacy, but nothing ever comes of it. This may be on purpose and I am just missing the importance, but I thought there was going to be a reason for the connections happening early on. Everyone is interconnected, but there is no real reason for it.

One last thing, and this is more of a story suggestion, which I don't normally do in reviews. Leah is a smart he/she. She was a successful lawyer, so you wouldn't think she is dumb. So, why then does she kill herself right away to give her heart to Finn. You have an opportunity there for Finn to be sick and Leah to resolve the sub-plot with Stacy, his wife, Paul, etc. Then when she decides to sacrifice herself it could have more impact because she is doing it knowing that she may have had a chance at happiness after all.

That is a lot of picking above, but I want to assure you that I did enjoy the script. It was a quick read and it flowed well. I enjoyed the characters and wanted to know where the story was going. I wanted Paul to get his comeuppance, Leah to work things out with Finn, Finn to get his act together, etc. There were just a few too many loose ends at the end for it to be completely satisfying.

And this story has the potential to be very satisfying, poignant, emotional,etc.

Good luck with the script and thanks for posting. read

bthh review

A review of Between Heaven and Hell

by jiggson on 02/19/2007

This is an interesting premise and well executed. It was a quick read and I enjoyed it quite a bit. Your main character Sam is definitely annoying in the movie sense. I wanted to kick him in the nuts on more than one occasion. On the story… Most of my input is going to come here. I had some trouble with Jeff. His flip to send Sam to heaven at all costs comes abruptly... read

Rizpah Review

A review of Rizpah

by jiggson on 02/11/2007

I have to admit that I had a really hard time getting through this script. The subject might have had something to do with it, but the story was difficult to tackle. On the story… This story covers a lot of time and real estate. I had problems keeping up with where we were and where we were going. I also had problems trying to figure out the motivations of anyone in the... read

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