a screenplay
by joemcclean
Genres:
mystery/suspense
Andrew finds mysterious videos left for him to watch, videos recorded from within his house, but somehow the woman... more
joemcclean
member since 04/28/2009 |
last login 11/01/2012
www.youtube.com/user/redandtan www.redandtanproductions.com...
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www.youtube.com/user/redandtan www.redandtanproductions.com
Submissions by joemcclean
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a short film by joemccleanThe Studebaker family starts in a perfect American world, and as the epitome of American culture, they sit down... more
Reviews by joemcclean 118
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A review of Wake Up, Maggie (SCSS)by joemcclean on 12/24/2009So sorry it took so long to get to this. I really did think I would read it last weekend but this time of year is just so busy. It’s a good screenplay. There are almost mirrored scene to the movie Notting Hill… However I’m not saying that is a bad thing because if you look at my TS profile you will see it’s one of my 5 favorite films. My biggest complaint is that I wish... So sorry it took so long to get to this. I really did think I would read it last weekend but this time of year is just so busy.
It’s a good screenplay. There are almost mirrored scene to the movie Notting Hill… However I’m not saying that is a bad thing because if you look at my TS profile you will see it’s one of my 5 favorite films. My biggest complaint is that I wish the conflict was more “life or death” with bigger consequences.
Also, I would change your logline. I explain later.
Page 10 – It almost seems like you put the move to the country on page 10 simply to fit a “perfect” format. My formatting is far from “perfect” so I may be the wrong person to take this advice from, but I thought it could have come earlier in your script. What do we learn in the first 10 pages? That Gerry is a famous actor, who drinks and takes pills, and who is frustrated with fame because his fans are insane. Can we learn that in less than 10? Your first couple of scenes tell all of it and I’m not sure the rest of the scenes before page 10 do anything accept repeat those pieces of info.
Page 20 – I’m not sure of the conflict. It’s a smooth read and you’re a talented writer, but here I am 20 minutes or so into the film and there is still not really a conflict. Your log line is about Maggie with her conflict over men and the conflict between Gerry and her Ex. Page 20 and I haven’t met the ex yet, and Maggie/Gerry seem to be getting along okay, even though they come from different “worlds.”
25 – This seems contrived. Yes Chocolate is bad for dogs but I’ve never actually heard of or seen one die from it. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, but I have seen dogs eat chocolate, and I have seen owners worry a little but each time the dog was just fine. If she’s so against men and she is so strict about her routine as well as the dog’s, why did she even agree to let Gerry come? I suspect I’m about to find out in the conversation with Max… Back to reading.
26 - if he hates it there why hasn’t he just left?
42 – I laughed out loud when she told him to “Sit.” It’s obvious you have an incredible love for dogs. That alone will get you a small niche audience, but I think it’s borderline too much about the dogs and not about the stories conflict.
56 – We’re just meeting Pete? Pete, the Ex? The Ex from the logline? Maybe your logline just needs to be rewritten so we don’t expect the conflict between Gerry and Pete to be what your story is about… also much easier than changing the script to the logline ☺
59 – “A changed man” Here we go! Now I like the conflict! Who gets her? (I know already because, I’ve seen these movies before, but that doesn’t mean the ride isn’t fun. If that were the case no one would ever ride a roller coaster more than once.)
65- This is easily a Hugh Grant vehicle.
75 – Afraid of the publicity is not enough for me to get her to not be with him. Now if there was an famous ex (Like Alec Baldwin in Notting Hill) or something that REALLY made the situation terrible (bring back the pill story line) then I’d go along with this, but just fear of the possible publicity just seems weak.
80 – I feel like the Paps are your main resistence in the story, right from page one. But I want the resistence to be personal to Gerry and Maggie’s story. Although outside forces affecting a persons ultimate happiness is a good conflict, it just doesn’t seem like the one you’ve been trying to build for 80 pages.
91 – I absolutely love that she takes the RV with all the dogs!
read -
A review of Snoqualmie Fallsby joemcclean on 12/11/2009I think this is a great idea for a script but I think it needs some polishing... I promise I don't mean that in a condisending way, I think my own work needs a lot of work. I just never fully got pulled in to this story. Good idea, one that has been used before and proven as a good idea, but it needs something new and vibrant brought to it. Do we need the phone call from Frankie... I think this is a great idea for a script but I think it needs some polishing... I promise I don't mean that in a condisending way, I think my own work needs a lot of work. I just never fully got pulled in to this story. Good idea, one that has been used before and proven as a good idea, but it needs something new and vibrant brought to it.
Do we need the phone call from Frankie on page two if they are going to meet the way they do at the bar?
Page 7 Loyalty and friendship seems like a weird thing to toast to after years and years of not seeing each other...
Page 12 It's a little odd that Kyle gets a call from frankie, they meet up, they go to the falls, then the very next day there is a sighting of their dead friend. "Odd" could be good, but it could also be bad... I don't know yet because I'm only 12 pages in :)
Page 13 I feel like you can get rid of all the "hi, how are you's" in your script. Most of the time you can dive right to the essence of a scene and no one will think anything is missing. Forget the pleasentries.
Page 19 I feel like once they are face to face they would simply know if it was him or not. Also the fact that they just walked up to him and asked who he was and it was who they were looking for seemed to lack suspence and drama. I think this script was written so that the reveal at the falls is the inciting incident, but I think it's the invite to Dennis' house. We know something bad happened. Bad enough that the friends all stopped being friends, and had enough that Dennis changed his name and never contacted them again. That gives enough suspence to make the audience really want to know what's going to happen when they visit Dennis' home.
Page 27 Here we are... We've arrived at the heart of the story. The game. We need to get here a lot faster. Now I'm excited to read. This type of story has been done a thousand times but "been done" doesn't mean "bad." I'm intrigued to see where you take it.
Page 35 that crazy bitch! Sorry... Got into it... My one issue is that her lies seemed like lies. Never play the lie, because other people can see you lieing. We know she's lieing so she should be the best little actress EVER this scene for the cops. Yes she should use her sex appeal but the dialogue seemed like she was putting on an act and the cop would have seen right through it... Do we need the scene with the two cops before they get to the house? What does it do for your story?
Page 38 are the doctor scenes supposed to be comic releif? What is the genre on this anyway? I thought it was a suspence thriller but maybe I'm reading it the wrong way. I just looked at the synopsis on Triggerstreet... It says Crime Mystery Suspence... Is the comedy intentional? If it is, it seems out of place.
Page 53 it's the wife right? It's Roxie? She is scorned and greedy.
Page 72 was that foreshadowing that the cop is part of this?
Page 75 I didnt understand why if they left they didn't leave for a far away place. I also don't understand why they just left the cabin and went to a motel. If it's me? I drive out of state go straight to a police station without my crazy wife and demand that they listen to my story and protect me.
I like the idea of them all trying to kill Dennis... I would like to see this right from the start. All fo them working together but then when bad things start happening to each other it creates more fear and suspence because there could be a rat in their group that's trying to kill Dennis... This is just an opinion though, this is your story.
Page 77 What do you mean Who? It's the wife! Roxie called him! Just kill her and leave the body with the dead
The end was very abrupt for me. All of a sudden Kyle got the money (or did he?) and left his wife? So many loose ends. read -
A review of DIABLO HORRIBILISby joemcclean on 12/03/2009Okay, my issue isn’t that the bear is a monster. I like that. I like that it’s basically a monster movie. What was hard for me to believe was that they didn’t hunt it and kill it immediately. You gave me no argument for why they couldn’t do it. I explain more in my notes. Here you go. I hope they are helpful in someway… I am sorry that they mostly seem negative. I will say... Okay, my issue isn’t that the bear is a monster. I like that. I like that it’s basically a monster movie. What was hard for me to believe was that they didn’t hunt it and kill it immediately. You gave me no argument for why they couldn’t do it. I explain more in my notes. Here you go. I hope they are helpful in someway… I am sorry that they mostly seem negative. I will say that I think you are a talented writer, and your format is fairly clean… I just think the story needs work.
Page 4-7 It seems like a lot of pointless rambling. Is all of this important? How does it push the story along? It may, I haven’t read the rest yet, but it seems choppy. I assume it’s important to know about the bonfire. And maybe that no one’s “Fighting Crime” but that’s all that seems new.
Page 9 – It’s only the leg there (the joke is funny) but then it says that they cover the body… It makes it a little confusing.
15- If they are nervous about 3000 people coming to town then the town itself must be really small. My question is would there be a connection to the kid who was eaten? Would he tell his wife something like “Ole Jimmy Smith’s kid was eaten.” In those small towns it is literal that everyone knows everyone. Or was this kid a visitor and I somehow missed that?
20 Grizzly
23 – I like the vote to be chief. Funny.
26- This is like Lake Placid. My concern is that I’m on page 26 and there isn’t really any conflict to be solved. People are dead. We all know the way to solve the problem is to hunt the bear and then it’s over. I don’t really know why that hasn’t happened already. As soon as there’s a death there would be teams of people out to track and hunt it. You haven’t showed any of that… Showing it may even make the script more dramatic. What I mean is it may be fun to see the bear out smart the humans… Make it a real super bear. Like it knows how to get away. At this point I don’t feel danger, I simply feel like the people are stupid for not already taking care of the problem.
28 What does this mean “We have to converged the cook-out to
the middle of main street”
34 – I’ve got lots of small town experience… I’m finding it hard to believe that SOMEONE at the dance/BBQ wasn’t packing. I’m trying to suspend my disbelief but I have to see how/why the bear is able to get away and no one seems to be able to find it or even go after it.
Page 37… Oh yes he can and he would have already. The state government would have stepped in by now.
44 this is a good twist… It’s the story Beowolf. Kill the huge dragon then realize it was only the offspring of the HUGE dragon.
53- I could have sworn that since you kept mentioning the stuffed bear that it was going to have a scene with the real bear. I was hoping that as MAMA passed by it would have gotten sad when it saw the stuffed bear. In memory of her lost baby.
58 rifle might piss her off but eventually it will kill her. I think every one is being totally stupid for not GETTING THAT BEAR! Or simply leaving town! You have not presented a reason (except staying for a party) for them to stick around.
65 can’t get the angle? Wouldn’ tthey have planned this so that as soon as the bear took the bait, they were ready to go? Guns loaded? Planned to a T? Look, I totally love that it’s a gieant monster bear that is acting crazy, I’m with you. It’s a movie for crying out loud. BUT these people have to have motive for NOT having killed this thing already.
67 both the door and the gun are jammed? Really? Unlucky bastards.
79 the fire is a great touch.
82 this is how quickly the fire helicopter comes? And they can’t get a team of trackers and hunters out as soon as the first death occurs to kill the bears?
89- She’s dead? Didn’t you just say she was breathing?
So it ends with Mama STILL not dead and two new babies? That’s not really an ending is it? The story started just where it ended, with bears loose in a small town.
read
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Submissions by joemcclean
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a screenplay by joemccleanGenres: mystery/suspense
Andrew finds mysterious videos left for him to watch, videos recorded from within his house, but somehow the woman... more
-
a short film by joemcclean
The Studebaker family starts in a perfect American world, and as the epitome of American culture, they sit down... more
Reviews by joemcclean 118
-
A review of Wake Up, Maggie (SCSS)by joemcclean on 12/24/2009So sorry it took so long to get to this. I really did think I would read it last weekend but this time of year is just so busy. It’s a good screenplay. There are almost mirrored scene to the movie Notting Hill… However I’m not saying that is a bad thing because if you look at my TS profile you will see it’s one of my 5 favorite films. My biggest complaint is that I wish... So sorry it took so long to get to this. I really did think I would read it last weekend but this time of year is just so busy.
It’s a good screenplay. There are almost mirrored scene to the movie Notting Hill… However I’m not saying that is a bad thing because if you look at my TS profile you will see it’s one of my 5 favorite films. My biggest complaint is that I wish the conflict was more “life or death” with bigger consequences.
Also, I would change your logline. I explain later.
Page 10 – It almost seems like you put the move to the country on page 10 simply to fit a “perfect” format. My formatting is far from “perfect” so I may be the wrong person to take this advice from, but I thought it could have come earlier in your script. What do we learn in the first 10 pages? That Gerry is a famous actor, who drinks and takes pills, and who is frustrated with fame because his fans are insane. Can we learn that in less than 10? Your first couple of scenes tell all of it and I’m not sure the rest of the scenes before page 10 do anything accept repeat those pieces of info.
Page 20 – I’m not sure of the conflict. It’s a smooth read and you’re a talented writer, but here I am 20 minutes or so into the film and there is still not really a conflict. Your log line is about Maggie with her conflict over men and the conflict between Gerry and her Ex. Page 20 and I haven’t met the ex yet, and Maggie/Gerry seem to be getting along okay, even though they come from different “worlds.”
25 – This seems contrived. Yes Chocolate is bad for dogs but I’ve never actually heard of or seen one die from it. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen, but I have seen dogs eat chocolate, and I have seen owners worry a little but each time the dog was just fine. If she’s so against men and she is so strict about her routine as well as the dog’s, why did she even agree to let Gerry come? I suspect I’m about to find out in the conversation with Max… Back to reading.
26 - if he hates it there why hasn’t he just left?
42 – I laughed out loud when she told him to “Sit.” It’s obvious you have an incredible love for dogs. That alone will get you a small niche audience, but I think it’s borderline too much about the dogs and not about the stories conflict.
56 – We’re just meeting Pete? Pete, the Ex? The Ex from the logline? Maybe your logline just needs to be rewritten so we don’t expect the conflict between Gerry and Pete to be what your story is about… also much easier than changing the script to the logline ☺
59 – “A changed man” Here we go! Now I like the conflict! Who gets her? (I know already because, I’ve seen these movies before, but that doesn’t mean the ride isn’t fun. If that were the case no one would ever ride a roller coaster more than once.)
65- This is easily a Hugh Grant vehicle.
75 – Afraid of the publicity is not enough for me to get her to not be with him. Now if there was an famous ex (Like Alec Baldwin in Notting Hill) or something that REALLY made the situation terrible (bring back the pill story line) then I’d go along with this, but just fear of the possible publicity just seems weak.
80 – I feel like the Paps are your main resistence in the story, right from page one. But I want the resistence to be personal to Gerry and Maggie’s story. Although outside forces affecting a persons ultimate happiness is a good conflict, it just doesn’t seem like the one you’ve been trying to build for 80 pages.
91 – I absolutely love that she takes the RV with all the dogs!
read -
A review of Snoqualmie Fallsby joemcclean on 12/11/2009I think this is a great idea for a script but I think it needs some polishing... I promise I don't mean that in a condisending way, I think my own work needs a lot of work. I just never fully got pulled in to this story. Good idea, one that has been used before and proven as a good idea, but it needs something new and vibrant brought to it. Do we need the phone call from Frankie... I think this is a great idea for a script but I think it needs some polishing... I promise I don't mean that in a condisending way, I think my own work needs a lot of work. I just never fully got pulled in to this story. Good idea, one that has been used before and proven as a good idea, but it needs something new and vibrant brought to it.
Do we need the phone call from Frankie on page two if they are going to meet the way they do at the bar?
Page 7 Loyalty and friendship seems like a weird thing to toast to after years and years of not seeing each other...
Page 12 It's a little odd that Kyle gets a call from frankie, they meet up, they go to the falls, then the very next day there is a sighting of their dead friend. "Odd" could be good, but it could also be bad... I don't know yet because I'm only 12 pages in :)
Page 13 I feel like you can get rid of all the "hi, how are you's" in your script. Most of the time you can dive right to the essence of a scene and no one will think anything is missing. Forget the pleasentries.
Page 19 I feel like once they are face to face they would simply know if it was him or not. Also the fact that they just walked up to him and asked who he was and it was who they were looking for seemed to lack suspence and drama. I think this script was written so that the reveal at the falls is the inciting incident, but I think it's the invite to Dennis' house. We know something bad happened. Bad enough that the friends all stopped being friends, and had enough that Dennis changed his name and never contacted them again. That gives enough suspence to make the audience really want to know what's going to happen when they visit Dennis' home.
Page 27 Here we are... We've arrived at the heart of the story. The game. We need to get here a lot faster. Now I'm excited to read. This type of story has been done a thousand times but "been done" doesn't mean "bad." I'm intrigued to see where you take it.
Page 35 that crazy bitch! Sorry... Got into it... My one issue is that her lies seemed like lies. Never play the lie, because other people can see you lieing. We know she's lieing so she should be the best little actress EVER this scene for the cops. Yes she should use her sex appeal but the dialogue seemed like she was putting on an act and the cop would have seen right through it... Do we need the scene with the two cops before they get to the house? What does it do for your story?
Page 38 are the doctor scenes supposed to be comic releif? What is the genre on this anyway? I thought it was a suspence thriller but maybe I'm reading it the wrong way. I just looked at the synopsis on Triggerstreet... It says Crime Mystery Suspence... Is the comedy intentional? If it is, it seems out of place.
Page 53 it's the wife right? It's Roxie? She is scorned and greedy.
Page 72 was that foreshadowing that the cop is part of this?
Page 75 I didnt understand why if they left they didn't leave for a far away place. I also don't understand why they just left the cabin and went to a motel. If it's me? I drive out of state go straight to a police station without my crazy wife and demand that they listen to my story and protect me.
I like the idea of them all trying to kill Dennis... I would like to see this right from the start. All fo them working together but then when bad things start happening to each other it creates more fear and suspence because there could be a rat in their group that's trying to kill Dennis... This is just an opinion though, this is your story.
Page 77 What do you mean Who? It's the wife! Roxie called him! Just kill her and leave the body with the dead
The end was very abrupt for me. All of a sudden Kyle got the money (or did he?) and left his wife? So many loose ends. read -
A review of DIABLO HORRIBILISby joemcclean on 12/03/2009Okay, my issue isn’t that the bear is a monster. I like that. I like that it’s basically a monster movie. What was hard for me to believe was that they didn’t hunt it and kill it immediately. You gave me no argument for why they couldn’t do it. I explain more in my notes. Here you go. I hope they are helpful in someway… I am sorry that they mostly seem negative. I will say... Okay, my issue isn’t that the bear is a monster. I like that. I like that it’s basically a monster movie. What was hard for me to believe was that they didn’t hunt it and kill it immediately. You gave me no argument for why they couldn’t do it. I explain more in my notes. Here you go. I hope they are helpful in someway… I am sorry that they mostly seem negative. I will say that I think you are a talented writer, and your format is fairly clean… I just think the story needs work.
Page 4-7 It seems like a lot of pointless rambling. Is all of this important? How does it push the story along? It may, I haven’t read the rest yet, but it seems choppy. I assume it’s important to know about the bonfire. And maybe that no one’s “Fighting Crime” but that’s all that seems new.
Page 9 – It’s only the leg there (the joke is funny) but then it says that they cover the body… It makes it a little confusing.
15- If they are nervous about 3000 people coming to town then the town itself must be really small. My question is would there be a connection to the kid who was eaten? Would he tell his wife something like “Ole Jimmy Smith’s kid was eaten.” In those small towns it is literal that everyone knows everyone. Or was this kid a visitor and I somehow missed that?
20 Grizzly
23 – I like the vote to be chief. Funny.
26- This is like Lake Placid. My concern is that I’m on page 26 and there isn’t really any conflict to be solved. People are dead. We all know the way to solve the problem is to hunt the bear and then it’s over. I don’t really know why that hasn’t happened already. As soon as there’s a death there would be teams of people out to track and hunt it. You haven’t showed any of that… Showing it may even make the script more dramatic. What I mean is it may be fun to see the bear out smart the humans… Make it a real super bear. Like it knows how to get away. At this point I don’t feel danger, I simply feel like the people are stupid for not already taking care of the problem.
28 What does this mean “We have to converged the cook-out to
the middle of main street”
34 – I’ve got lots of small town experience… I’m finding it hard to believe that SOMEONE at the dance/BBQ wasn’t packing. I’m trying to suspend my disbelief but I have to see how/why the bear is able to get away and no one seems to be able to find it or even go after it.
Page 37… Oh yes he can and he would have already. The state government would have stepped in by now.
44 this is a good twist… It’s the story Beowolf. Kill the huge dragon then realize it was only the offspring of the HUGE dragon.
53- I could have sworn that since you kept mentioning the stuffed bear that it was going to have a scene with the real bear. I was hoping that as MAMA passed by it would have gotten sad when it saw the stuffed bear. In memory of her lost baby.
58 rifle might piss her off but eventually it will kill her. I think every one is being totally stupid for not GETTING THAT BEAR! Or simply leaving town! You have not presented a reason (except staying for a party) for them to stick around.
65 can’t get the angle? Wouldn’ tthey have planned this so that as soon as the bear took the bait, they were ready to go? Guns loaded? Planned to a T? Look, I totally love that it’s a gieant monster bear that is acting crazy, I’m with you. It’s a movie for crying out loud. BUT these people have to have motive for NOT having killed this thing already.
67 both the door and the gun are jammed? Really? Unlucky bastards.
79 the fire is a great touch.
82 this is how quickly the fire helicopter comes? And they can’t get a team of trackers and hunters out as soon as the first death occurs to kill the bears?
89- She’s dead? Didn’t you just say she was breathing?
So it ends with Mama STILL not dead and two new babies? That’s not really an ending is it? The story started just where it ended, with bears loose in a small town.
read -
A review of Little Birdby joemcclean on 11/30/2009What incredible odds Garrincha had to overcome. I love learning about great figures who somehow slipped through without the outside world knowing about them. My own mother is a Thalidemide baby and is club footed and is missing 6 of 10 fingers while the remaining 4 are totally deformed. She became a nurse and just thinking about her accomplishments, given her circumstances,... What incredible odds Garrincha had to overcome. I love learning about great figures who somehow slipped through without the outside world knowing about them. My own mother is a Thalidemide baby and is club footed and is missing 6 of 10 fingers while the remaining 4 are totally deformed. She became a nurse and just thinking about her accomplishments, given her circumstances, blows my mind. Garrincha seems like a fairy tale in some ways. If I hadn't already looked him up (and you hadn't told me I was reading a story based on truth) I would have judged this screenplay as too unbelievable. I mean really? A famous South American footballer who has a crooked spine and messed up legs? I guess it goes to show you that there's a reason the phrase "Stranger than fiction" is around today...
Anyway, on to the screenplay.
Biopics are hard for me to review. Half the work is done by the selection of the hero, and then a little more by simply knowing formatting.
The main issue I have with Biopics is that it's near impossible to show the life of a human being in the length of a film. AND a single life contains SOO MANY stories that a bio pic can get extremely convoluded very quickly. Very successful ones in the past avoid trying to tell you EVERYTHING about the person. Ghandi, for example, isn't the life story of Ghandi, but the story of a non violent revolution for India's independence. They picked a single story from his life.
In Garrincha I think you bite off more than is chewable. Please note I did not say "more than you could chew." You seem to be a very capable writer, but there are so many story lines here. From his footballing, to his deformities, to his philandering relationships, to his alcoholism. Any one of those subjects would have been meaty enough. You used a very old (and useful) trick - the trick of starting at his death and then moving through his life in flashback. This is great for a number of reasons and huge films have been very successful doing the same thing (Saving Private Ryan, The Last Emporor, and the screenplay of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is that way too but it didn't make it to the film), I would just be very careful with this because you want to be original.
From a reader's standpoint I have a few comments. I think your blocks of action are too long.
I don't understand why all of your action is BOLDED. I'm sure you're already getting a lot of comments about that.
Your dialogue was hard for me to judge. I couldn't tell if you were someone who spoke English as a second language or if you intentionally wrote the dialogue of your characters to speak in a SLIGHTLY in correct English so you could keep the audience understanding he wasn't English.
Your formatting isn't standard in many areas. A couple examples are your scene headings do have (,) where a (-) should be, and you use an incredible amount of transitions, which are not used very often anymore because they are viewed as a page waster. There are many others. You need to go through this script with a fine tooth comb for formatting as well as misspellings (there are MANY MANY misspellings) Misspelled words and typos don't bother me very much but they DO bother other people so much that they will stop paying attention to your story.
I see that 2 other films have been made about his life. I wonder what it is that your film has that's different (better) than the others. A big one could be that it seems to be the first bringing the story to an English speaking culture.
In the end I think you are telling the story of a man that should be told. He's a great subject matter. I think the story needs to be prunned, and unless you are shooting this yourself, you need to clean it of typos and formatting errors. Once that is done and you have the whole story you want to tell, I think you need to go through and weed the garden. It's just too thick. The dialogue is too long, the action lines are too thick, and I think you have whole scenes that don't need to be in the story at all because I don't see how they are intricle to the script.
This could be a great movie with a huge following... read -
A review of Double Vision (The Next Revision)by joemcclean on 11/25/2009I bet you are getting a lot of comments about Da Vinci Code or Angels and Demons. This is a little more dealing with actual demons, I mean the devil does show up, than bad people (illuminati) being evil. Have you considered taking the actual demons (and satan) out? And just making them evil people with agendas? Based more in reality may get a bigger audience. Page 15: Why...
I bet you are getting a lot of comments about Da Vinci Code or Angels and Demons. This is a little more dealing with actual demons, I mean the devil does show up, than bad people (illuminati) being evil. Have you considered taking the actual demons (and satan) out? And just making them evil people with agendas? Based more in reality may get a bigger audience.
Page 15: Why doesn’t anyone (priets?) even consider that maybe the two women are in cahoots together and that it’s all a scam?
Page 19 – did he get off his horse/beast twice?
Page 48: He body slams the partition and then calls her a stupid bitch? A little too much ouch for the pinch I think.
Wow… that is surprisingly few notes… I got lost in the script and forgot about notes. I was just enjoying the story. I was a little disappointed in the end because of Vincenze… It just all seemed too easy. He’s the devil after all. I was hoping for a jaw dropping moment when I figured out the mystery…
This reminds me a of an old news story I heard on 60 minutes. A scene is set… there are two women. Woman “A” is a young married woman who is not getting along with her husband. She is pregnant. Her husband will abandon her. Her only option is to give custody of the baby to her mother. Woman “B” has TB and her husband has a cold. They have 4 children. The first is blind, the second is dead. The third is deaf and the fourth has TB. The mother finds she is pregnant again. Then the question is asked: Would you recommend abortion to either? If you say NO to woman “A” then you just saved Jeffery Dahmer. If you said YES to woman “B” then you just killed Beethoven. I’m not an advocate one, and I know your story isn’t about abortion, but it’s the paradox of what you judge to be good and what you judge to be evil.
I liked this one. Good work. I wish you success. read -
A review of Bad Actorsby joemcclean on 11/23/2009Page 3 -You mention everyone in the Bush administration but call don't use the VP's name. The script also says it takes place in the present. Bush has been out of office for a year and the use of the 9/11 models makes it feel like it's early in the administration... 2001 or 2002. There are formatting mistakes... I won't point them all out, just look it over. If you are using... Page 3 -You mention everyone in the Bush administration but call don't use the VP's name. The script also says it takes place in the present. Bush has been out of office for a year and the use of the 9/11 models makes it feel like it's early in the administration... 2001 or 2002.
There are formatting mistakes... I won't point them all out, just look it over. If you are using Final Draft it has a "Format Assisstant" which checks automatically for accidents... For example it would have known that on page 4 SERGEANT speaks twice in a row. It also wouldn't let you break up your dialogue with full returns.
I'm not sure why you have the narrator. If it's for comedy it needs to be funny. If it's for information delivery I don't think you need it. On page 9 we (the audience) totally understand that the sex ranch is a cover... we don't need to be told.
On page 12 my advice woudl be to use English or use Spanish. Not the mix of both.
Until Dominatrix gets to Miami she is sent all over the world for nothign. She shows up and then she leaves having accomplished nothing while on site. What can she do with a pair of binoculars that the satelites, nuclear subs, and other agents can't do?
Page 15 - I have no idea what the plot is. I get from your synopsis that you are trying to poke fun at how silly politics are (and the people involved) but we still need a story to tie it all together. Is the story to get the gold that the Russians are after?
26 - she really said "sanitary napkins?" To herself? Does anyone say that? I guess it could be used in a comedic way. "Bleeding in her pants" isn't funny, it's gross.
I am really trying to understand this script. I feel like it's either a "miss" for me, or you are setting me up for a brilliant ending... My notes are becoming more about what I don't understand than what I think works and does not work. I am going to stop taking notes and just concentrate on the reading... I'm really trying... I am... Check back in at the end.
Okay... I'm back... I get it. I really do. I think it's a valiant effort to mock and ridicule the people that are somehow in charge of our safty and governments. Am I right to assume this is supposed to be in the vein of something like HOT SHOTS? My guess is that this script would have to rely very heavily on the performances that the actors bring to the roles. Sort of like Napolean Dynomite... I thing the script alone is bad, but the movie is great. It was all in the actor/director interpretation.
However, I firmly believe we as screenwriters need to make the jobs of every one else as easy as possible. If the script is funny, if it's completely coherent, if the structure is on point, then there is less doubt about the fate of every other aspect of filmmaking. I don't think this one is ready.
...
Or maybe it's just not my type of movie. Sorry. Keep at it. I hope these comments are at all helpful. And feel free to contact me if you have any questions. Just so you know, I am going to mark your ratings higher than I normally would just in case it's a good script that was just the opposite of my taste. Opposite of my taste does not mean bad... read -
A review of Toy Soldiersby joemcclean on 11/19/2009This is a great story that has a slow start. All the info that you give about your characters and story up until the point when Kaufman lands in Africa could literally be told in a minute or two while the opening credits are going. Or cut it all together and get your exposition done at the dinner table with the lead bad guy when he arrives. That’s when your story starts… That’s... This is a great story that has a slow start. All the info that you give about your characters and story up until the point when Kaufman lands in Africa could literally be told in a minute or two while the opening credits are going. Or cut it all together and get your exposition done at the dinner table with the lead bad guy when he arrives. That’s when your story starts… That’s when we have conflict.
I loved it. My following notes are simply small common sense things that make the story less believable. I strongly believe if you can get the audience to believe the normal common sense things they are more willing to jump on board for the things that are harder to swallow.
Wow, I can’t believe I didn’t take any notes until page 70… that’s great!
Page 70 It would be better if they hadn’t just talked about how a gorilla would be good. Better if Kaufman just found it without the previous scene.
Page 82 How is he getting around? How does he know the place well enough to go into strange villages and through the jungle to find every place he needs to go? Also when he left the children he was EASILY able to make it to the bad guys fortress with no trouble at all… If Kaufman can do it couldn’t the children do it just as easily? Now he has found his way back to the secret tunnel? How? Most people can’t figure out how to get from a hotel to the airport in a new town… when they have a map!
Page 84 They left Kaufman a sign for where to go? How did he know where that place was? How did they know Kaufman was coming back?
Page 99 Did Kaufman just call that guy a spook? Not okay. Not for the American. The audience needs to love this guy and calling someone a spook ruins that. One word and we like him less. You don’t want that.
I hate that Milos has no repercussions to any of his actions.
How did Sebu learn to read and teach? Has a lot of time gone by? Like is this a school and camp set up by Kaufman? read -
A review of All Fired Up (2009)by joemcclean on 11/18/2009Let me start by saying that I think the premise is UNTOUCHABLE! Simply the idea of a guy who has to get fired to get the girl is brilliant. The logline alone has HUGE potential... Unfortunately the script didn't deliver for me at all. I HATE to say that because I wanted so badly to like it, but I'm being honest. Everything seemed to be exposition until we get to the bar where... Let me start by saying that I think the premise is UNTOUCHABLE! Simply the idea of a guy who has to get fired to get the girl is brilliant. The logline alone has HUGE potential...
Unfortunately the script didn't deliver for me at all. I HATE to say that because I wanted so badly to like it, but I'm being honest.
Everything seemed to be exposition until we get to the bar where Charlie and Sarah meet. I don’t know if you really need ANY of those scenes.
The comedy seems to be going for a slightly edgier style in the realm of a Ben Stiller or Will Farrell movie, but it’s falling flat for me. It’s very possible that a talented comedic actor could make these jokes funny in the performance but I’m not seeing it funny on the page. I’m wondering if they are just too tame for the current comedy audiences that are used to the vulgar but loveable humor of movies by Judd Apatow and everyone he’s connected to.
Page 35 – He did quit right? His boss even said he did… But he’s still got his job? And now he’s going to try and get fired? The bruce willis scene is only amusing because it’s bruse willis, and I don’t see how the part is good enough, or even fun for that matter, to get a star to take the role. So far I think this script has a good Rom Com premise – Girl won’t date guy because they work at the same job, but can’t quit, but can’t get fired either. Love it actually. But I think the volume on the execution is a 4 and it needs to be blasted at 10.
On Page 36 I didn’t think the characters or relationship had been developed enough for anyone to be talking “Love” yet.
The entire pimp thing confused me. His motivation is all wrong isn’t it? If he wants to get fired so he can get the girl why would he screw up HER presentation? There are movies like this that just didn’t work… and unfortunately they all stared Jamie Kennedy. Even his movies could have been funny if the scripts had been developed a little better. However, they got produced and that means this could too, maybe I’m just the wrong audiene… I still stand strongly by the fact that I think this is a good premise for a film.
I never felt like the stakes were high enough. I never thought their was really any consequences if the hero failed at his missions. I didn't think there was enough conflict to keep the story going... Because of these things I just wondered through half the script why the characters were making the choices they were making...
I'm so sorry to have been so negative. I do think you have a good idea here. I just personally think it needs more work. Good luck with it. read -
A review of Positive (+) Revby joemcclean on 11/17/2009This is truly a horrible story with no redemption. That’s what you were going for and that’s what you got. Good job. It’s a tight script that was slow in the beginning, but kept you interested because it was a window into the soul of someone truly sick and tramatized. Unfortunately once he became the killer of killers (DEXTER!) it became predictable. You knew who was on his... This is truly a horrible story with no redemption. That’s what you were going for and that’s what you got. Good job. It’s a tight script that was slow in the beginning, but kept you interested because it was a window into the soul of someone truly sick and tramatized.
Unfortunately once he became the killer of killers (DEXTER!) it became predictable. You knew who was on his list. You knew he would inject them or kill them. One after the other you showed us the same exact scene with different victims… Later, when Kevin came back into the story you regained momentum by giving us more drama that propelled the story forward.
Speed up the start. Make the killings not so repetitive. Both things I think you could easily do because it’s obvious you’re a good writer. Then you have a script that I think could be a very dark success. Good work!
Page 23 – You’re a good writer. This is dark shit, but I like it. My only complaint is that until now there wasn’t really any conflict to be resolved. Nothing urgent about anything. I assume the inciting incident is the cops showing up. Could that come earlier somehow? To hook us?
Page 23 – How did the cops have his DNA to know it was his kid she was pregnant with… and that lab work would have taken some time, no?
Page 39 – I feel like everything before the (-) (+) party was exposition. This is what your screenplay is really about right? So why not start with this. We don’t need to see the break up and death of his girlfriend. Very similar to Romeo and Juliet in the fact that the reason Romeo’s buddies take him to a party (where he sees Juliet for the first time) is because he’s incredibly depressed about being dumped by a woman named Rosiline. The Play’s inciting incident is when R&J meet. Rosiline isn’t even in the play, only mentioned, because it’s only important that we know that Romeo is depressed. I think you script starts the same way. He goes to the party and that’s where the drama begins. What got him there is exposition that really needs to go by more quickly. . . That’s just my opinion.
Page 56- DNA is a problem for me. Maybe it just doesn’t matter in this type of movie, but the cops have his DNA. We know that because they knew that his girl was pregnant with his child. Every time he injects his blood there would be remnants of his DNA. If you get by that, he fights with his victims and bleeds everywhere. They would know who the attacker was .
Page 88 – Kevin being the killer and a jealous lover works really nicely.
read -
A review of Rippleby joemcclean on 11/13/2009The DP has a good eye for shot composition. The editor did a great job with the footage. I wish the sound had been recorded better and that the actors were a little more believable. Music was good, fit well. I wish I understood more about their relationship and what it was that was so bad that made her feel like she had to kill him. Murder seemed too much for this story..... The DP has a good eye for shot composition. The editor did a great job with the footage. I wish the sound had been recorded better and that the actors were a little more believable. Music was good, fit well. I wish I understood more about their relationship and what it was that was so bad that made her feel like she had to kill him. Murder seemed too much for this story... We needed more motive. More reasoning in her character. read
Comments About joemcclean 54
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agilitygsd on 01/02/2010
Hey Joe -
Got so caught up in the holidays that I also forgot to thank you for the freewill review of Wake Up, Maggie - your notes will be helpful in the rewrite - I plan on reading Snow after I recover from the holidays.
Thanks again -
-Kele -
agilitygsd on 01/02/2010
Thanks Joe - I have to say I'm pretty surprised - didn't even realize it had been announced yet.
Now let me go read the coverage - hopefully they gave us some good stuff to work with -
-Kele -
swantonjohn on 12/18/2009
Thanks for taking the time to read and review Out of Line (again!). Your thoughts are much appreciated. -
gapoz on 12/16/2009
Congratulations on SOM nom Joe! Best of luck! -
agilitygsd on 12/16/2009
Congrats on the SOM NOM!
Haven't had a chance to read Snow but will definitely add it to my reading list. -
RJWIII on 12/12/2009
Thanks for taking the time to read and review ‘Snoqualmie Falls.’ Have a good one.
RJ
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DEVELOPEXEC on 12/09/2009
Thanks for the read and review of DIABLO.
I thank you for your time!
DEV -
xpertcage on 12/07/2009
Joe,
Thanks for your review of the Open Pit revision. You're right, I didn't make changes to the two main concerns of yours. Not that I didn't think about them or agree on some level. By making the changes in the early part and hitting rock bottom right away, I run the risk of following too closely, KINGPIN.
Also, there are other factors in play. I don't want to stray in terms of structure and where the story settles in..YET. I don't disagree with your concerns, and ironically, they may be changes that will ultimately occur, but for now I don't want to change too much structurally.
Thanks again and glad you still enjoyed it the second time around. -
Centurio on 12/05/2009
Thanks very much for the review of the Rise of the New World Order. I appreciate the time you took. Obviously, the reason you couldn't get behind the script, based on the review, was brought on by some confusion. The NWO stuff was all a red herring to obscure what was really going on. I will have to look at that a bit closer to make sure it is apparent at the end when all those questions you posed throughout were explained. Did that scene not satisfy you?
Also, I always hope that a review of a first draft will contain some comments on the characters, writing, dialogue, structure, etc. I didn't get any of that and am curious what your take is on those areas.
Again, thanks for your time, Bruce -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/03/2009
Thanks for the kind words about PROM DATE. It was definitely written for the tween Disney Channel audience. But, if you've taken a look at my other submissions, I'm definitely more adult oriented.
Perhaps there's a way to turn this story more adult, but at the moment Disney Channel is definitely the route I'm going.
Thanks,
Duncan
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Comments About joemcclean 54
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Hey Joe -
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Thanks Joe - I have to say I'm pretty surprised - didn't even realize it had been announced yet.
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Thanks for taking the time to read and review Out of Line (again!). Your thoughts are much appreciated.
+ more commentsagilitygsd on 01/02/2010
Got so caught up in the holidays that I also forgot to thank you for the freewill review of Wake Up, Maggie - your notes will be helpful in the rewrite - I plan on reading Snow after I recover from the holidays.
Thanks again -
-Kele
agilitygsd on 01/02/2010
Now let me go read the coverage - hopefully they gave us some good stuff to work with -
-Kele
swantonjohn on 12/18/2009