a short film
by johnturnbull
More and more are turning to online dating? Why?
johnturnbull
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last login 03/16/2012
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Submissions by johnturnbull
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a short story by johnturnbullThe doctor/patient relationship is blurred when a shrink meets a sick client he's not prepared to deal with.
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a short story by johnturnbullEven Jason can't resist the trappings of fame.
Reviews by johnturnbull 43
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A review of Night Falls on Olympusby johnturnbull on 02/29/2012"Night Falls on Olypus" by Christopher O'Rourke (great screenwriter name) is an original and mostly effective modern day whodunnit involving the Greek/Roman legendary characters set in a contemporary environment. This script is a page turner right from the onset. The main characters are introduced early whilst encountering engaging conflicts, this is well done. Also well done... "Night Falls on Olypus" by Christopher O'Rourke (great screenwriter name) is an original and mostly effective modern day whodunnit involving the Greek/Roman legendary characters set in a contemporary environment. This script is a page turner right from the onset. The main characters are introduced early whilst encountering engaging conflicts, this is well done. Also well done is the setting descriptions; short, effective and very visual. The action, mystery and intrigue all begin early and continue to build throughout. It's a pleasure to read a well-formatted, well-structured, and, most importantly, well-written script. Good job! -jt-
Some additional notes, basically for each sequence:
Pg. 1-6: Good opening sequence, I like the contemporary twist of the characters. The dialogue is a little stilted. Nice visuals for New Athens. A director can envision how it can look with your few well-chosen words. I like how quick the flashback is done, doesn't go on too long and distract from the thrust of the story. Not sure I like the tired archetype of the "drunk detective". Perhaps Phineas' vice can be something unique?
Pg. 7-11: It's not necessary to repeat their names so much in the dialogue (eg. "You have no right to do this, Phineas"). A bit too much mundane detail here. Phineas doesn't need to drink in every scene, we get it. Save the drink for an important moment.
Pg 12-19: Would a mere detective get called in for a murder case? Although it becomes evident later in the scene it might be more effective to have the cop wonder, or even harbour some resentment? Good dialogue to reveal details here and good interaction between "Phin" and the immortals. Nice ending lines into the transition scene (elevator).
Pg. 19-27: Poseidon's suite description is a little long and over-detailed. Nice "Trident" clue. Like the Zeus elevator. Good Phineas/Hera dialogue. Well done backstory; dialogue is better than flashbacks.
Pg. 28-31: Nice interaction between Phineas and Hades; a bit clichι but still effective.
Pg. 31-34: Really like your establishing scenes. Good tie-in with the Trident's origins.
Pg.34-40: Dionysus as a schwarmy lounge singer... love it! Good tie-in with the coat check ticket from earlier. Nice angle with Pandora and Herc.
Pg.40-45: Your flashbacks are infrequent and taut. Well done! Action scene was handled well. I knew Dio would bite it...
Pg. 45-53: Good time to introduce the inevitable romantic encounter. Paces the plot nicely.
Pg. 53-57: Good detective work by Phin in hitting up Aphrodite to find Hermes. Nice transition with the mysterious phone call.
Pg. 58: Good timing to bring us back to the Medusa case. Your pacing really is quite good.
Pg. 59-63: If you are referring to "whirlpools of garbage", I believe the spelling is "eddys". "Phineas" comes out into a dark alley? It seems obvious, but perhaps use his name here? More intrigue with Nyx. Well done!
Pg.63-65: Hercs yearning for Pandora is a nice touch. I'm not sure this flashback isn't redundant. Perhaps reveal more or something new here?
Pg. 66-69: Ahh, the reveal. I'm not sure enough doubt has been raised to sway Phin's decision.
Pg. 69-70: Losing the purpose of the black sedan. What is "O.C."? And how does Phin just show up at Pandora's apartment? Hunch? Like the lipstick tie-in. When did Pandora call the cops? How'd she know Phin would be there? This section is a little unclear to me.
Pg. 71-73: "I'm a private eye, Herc." is all that needs to be said. The next sentence belies his knowledge. Herc sentiments seem to have shifted. What's his angle?
Pg. 74-76: Maybe an obvious identifying mark on the dumpster? Well written fire escape/rooftop/train station action sequence. Maybe some details of the pictures?
Pg. 77-80: "The expansive estate is draped in silence and gloom..." This description is redundant. Perhaps cut this chunk and go straight to, "Several henchmen patrol the grounds"? If Phin is trying to be stealthy, why sneak around and then openly approach the main entrance guards? ARGIUS and ARGUS are confusing, another name available? Nice turnabout with Hades/Phin. Good scene ending.
Pg. 80-85: Perhaps some form of backstory earlier can establish the strong bond between Phin and Mills. Might be more effective to tie the watch in with Nick in this photo instead of just another reminder photo. "Pandora stands at the entrance" is sufficient, the scene locale is already set in the header. She takes A gun out of her purse. Nice demise of the snake bitch and the one-eyed goon. Perhaps more effective by writing, "Phineas goes to his desk, pulls out a .38 revolver"? Nice family twist to end sequence (scene).
Pg. 85-89: Extinguishes the light? Without Orion mentioned earlier, the "reveal" doesn't have the impact; the audience "a-ha" moment. The red buttons might need labelling, they're too random for Phineas to just know which does what. This action sequence is not as clear or taut as your earlier ones.
Pg. 90-95: Nice prop (the invitation) use. "Now, unless you want to implicate...", perhaps a stronger line here? A little bit of on-the-nose dialogue; perhaps this is more effective: Theseus, "You're going to kill me either way. Phineas, "Give me the name, and I promise you'll be alive when I walk out of here." Just a thought. Good scene ending.
Pg. 95-96: Ahh, Hades' and Phins' deal comes to fruition. But what did Hades tell him? Nice suspense build.
Pg. 96-107: We already have a description of the elevator's interior. Who turns away again? Maybe 5 minutes to midnight on the watch? This action/dialogue takes about a minute. Good full reveal on this final flashback, the loose ends are neatly tied up. Ahh, O.C. is off-camera. I always thought O.S. was the abbreviation. Not sure if Herc's motivations are clear or strong enough I thought it was Pandora (heh! heh! heh!) Hera's a first-class A-one bee-yatch! Zeus is far too tolerant of her insolence.
Pg. 107-: Capitalize "God" throughout? Phin staying while Pandora leaves is a bit "Casablancian", but what the hell! Now Phineas should go for a drink. The only loose end is you didn't really clarify what went down between Hades and Phin. How much did Hades tell him in the mansion? Other than that, great job. Sincerely. -jt- read -
A review of Subsistenceby johnturnbull on 01/17/2012"Subsistence" by Reza Hussain is a marathon read made much more difficult by sentences that seemingly go on forever and are infused with hyperbolitical adjectives written in a style that seems culled from the Victorian era or perhaps from a translation of a long-winded language. Seriously though, this story is a little hard to follow; it really does feel translated or written... "Subsistence" by Reza Hussain is a marathon read made much more difficult by sentences that seemingly go on forever and are infused with hyperbolitical adjectives written in a style that seems culled from the Victorian era or perhaps from a translation of a long-winded language.
Seriously though, this story is a little hard to follow; it really does feel translated or written from a writer who's second language is English. Perhaps this is the tone the writer was trying to obtain, but it really doesn't work for this reviewer as it takes too long for anything to happen and the wordiness gets in the way of any character depth or reader empathy for the characters. It's like that badly told joke that takes forever to get to a punchline that isn't funny to begin with. With this type of tone, it's the styling AND the word selection that makes it work, makes its resonance potent. Neither is present in this far-from-short story.
There are some positives to this epic tale. For one, the use of second person is rare, so therefore refreshing. Additionally, the story has almost a gothic/Poe feel to it, say like "The Cask of Amontillado." Or maybe the long-winded author of the "Necronomicon", H.P. Lovecraft. Gotta love that old school descent-into-madness. Of course finding any another comparisons other than a vague stylistic similarity would be as fantastical as Bloom's discoveries. Perhaps a truer fan of this style/genre can glean more enjoyment and stylistic merit than this reviewer.
Overall, "Subsistence" is a gallant attempt at a tough and near-forgotten style that might, with a condensing in the rewrite, work well. read -
A review of Cover of Darknessby johnturnbull on 12/20/2011"Cover of Darkness" by William Walker is a light-hearted and lengthy fare that lets us in on the adventures of Will Valdez, a happy-go-lucky courier with big ambitions. While I like the attempt at wrting in the present tense, it almost reads like a fable or fairy tale, particularly with phrases like "she delivered the grand prize". Also, passive voice seems to stick out more... "Cover of Darkness" by William Walker is a light-hearted and lengthy fare that lets us in on the adventures of Will Valdez, a happy-go-lucky courier with big ambitions. While I like the attempt at wrting in the present tense, it almost reads like a fable or fairy tale, particularly with phrases like "she delivered the grand prize". Also, passive voice seems to stick out more in the present tense (ex. Walking to his car, it finally hit him) and there is a confusing mix of past and present tense throughout the story. Try reading screenplays for good examples of how to write in the active, present voice.
A short story needs to be concise, the writer simply doesn't have time to over-emphasize or over-describe situations and scenes. This holds true even if this is an excerpt for a longer piece, which I suspect it is judging by the ending. Valdez's reaction to hearing the news of his career oportunity is an example of this; this whole section could (and should) have been conveyed in a few sentences. When you do use detail, use it effectively. For example, you spend an inordinate amount of time explicitly describing Will's uniform, but then you mention he's stationed in a "third-rate city". The setting is much more important than the uniform; think of the difference from working in Boise as opposed to Detroit both can be considered third rate, but for entirely different reasons. This kind of detail is very important for the story's set-up.
Be cognizant of punctuation. While comma usage is subjective, such things like a punctuation mark at the end of a non-dialogue sentence should be noticed and avoided. There are many more examples of grammar and formatting mistakes throughout.
The action sequences, which take way too long to occur, are very clunky and disparate. They don't really work and come out of nowhere.
Bear in mind that despite of the aforementioned comments, the most important is that you are writing. Keep at it. There is some good stuff in your story like this passage, "Each day, Valdez was consigned to something new, tired, disgusting or exciting. Valdez learned quickly that people the police come in contact with could be nauseating, foul in body odor, mind and mouth" (although this is a place where more description, like an example, would have been effective). Move on to more stories before re-writing this one to hone in on and define your style. Don't be afraid to emulate successful writers; I suggest Hemingway for brilliant dialogue and Stephen King for succinct characterization (one loves of hates his characters in two or less sentences). The sky's the limit! read
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Submissions by johnturnbull
-
a short film by johnturnbull
More and more are turning to online dating? Why?
-
a short story by johnturnbull
The doctor/patient relationship is blurred when a shrink meets a sick client he's not prepared to deal with.
-
a short story by johnturnbull
Even Jason can't resist the trappings of fame.
-
a screenplay by johnturnbullA slacker goes cross country to reconcile with his ex, unaware of how things will turn out. For humankind.
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a short story by johnturnbullIn this creepy thriller, a man goes into the sewers to try and set his life right.
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a short story by johnturnbullA "Lost Generation" youth discovers what he never even knew he was looking for through music.
Reviews by johnturnbull 43
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A review of Night Falls on Olympusby johnturnbull on 02/29/2012"Night Falls on Olypus" by Christopher O'Rourke (great screenwriter name) is an original and mostly effective modern day whodunnit involving the Greek/Roman legendary characters set in a contemporary environment. This script is a page turner right from the onset. The main characters are introduced early whilst encountering engaging conflicts, this is well done. Also well done... "Night Falls on Olypus" by Christopher O'Rourke (great screenwriter name) is an original and mostly effective modern day whodunnit involving the Greek/Roman legendary characters set in a contemporary environment. This script is a page turner right from the onset. The main characters are introduced early whilst encountering engaging conflicts, this is well done. Also well done is the setting descriptions; short, effective and very visual. The action, mystery and intrigue all begin early and continue to build throughout. It's a pleasure to read a well-formatted, well-structured, and, most importantly, well-written script. Good job! -jt-
Some additional notes, basically for each sequence:
Pg. 1-6: Good opening sequence, I like the contemporary twist of the characters. The dialogue is a little stilted. Nice visuals for New Athens. A director can envision how it can look with your few well-chosen words. I like how quick the flashback is done, doesn't go on too long and distract from the thrust of the story. Not sure I like the tired archetype of the "drunk detective". Perhaps Phineas' vice can be something unique?
Pg. 7-11: It's not necessary to repeat their names so much in the dialogue (eg. "You have no right to do this, Phineas"). A bit too much mundane detail here. Phineas doesn't need to drink in every scene, we get it. Save the drink for an important moment.
Pg 12-19: Would a mere detective get called in for a murder case? Although it becomes evident later in the scene it might be more effective to have the cop wonder, or even harbour some resentment? Good dialogue to reveal details here and good interaction between "Phin" and the immortals. Nice ending lines into the transition scene (elevator).
Pg. 19-27: Poseidon's suite description is a little long and over-detailed. Nice "Trident" clue. Like the Zeus elevator. Good Phineas/Hera dialogue. Well done backstory; dialogue is better than flashbacks.
Pg. 28-31: Nice interaction between Phineas and Hades; a bit clichι but still effective.
Pg. 31-34: Really like your establishing scenes. Good tie-in with the Trident's origins.
Pg.34-40: Dionysus as a schwarmy lounge singer... love it! Good tie-in with the coat check ticket from earlier. Nice angle with Pandora and Herc.
Pg.40-45: Your flashbacks are infrequent and taut. Well done! Action scene was handled well. I knew Dio would bite it...
Pg. 45-53: Good time to introduce the inevitable romantic encounter. Paces the plot nicely.
Pg. 53-57: Good detective work by Phin in hitting up Aphrodite to find Hermes. Nice transition with the mysterious phone call.
Pg. 58: Good timing to bring us back to the Medusa case. Your pacing really is quite good.
Pg. 59-63: If you are referring to "whirlpools of garbage", I believe the spelling is "eddys". "Phineas" comes out into a dark alley? It seems obvious, but perhaps use his name here? More intrigue with Nyx. Well done!
Pg.63-65: Hercs yearning for Pandora is a nice touch. I'm not sure this flashback isn't redundant. Perhaps reveal more or something new here?
Pg. 66-69: Ahh, the reveal. I'm not sure enough doubt has been raised to sway Phin's decision.
Pg. 69-70: Losing the purpose of the black sedan. What is "O.C."? And how does Phin just show up at Pandora's apartment? Hunch? Like the lipstick tie-in. When did Pandora call the cops? How'd she know Phin would be there? This section is a little unclear to me.
Pg. 71-73: "I'm a private eye, Herc." is all that needs to be said. The next sentence belies his knowledge. Herc sentiments seem to have shifted. What's his angle?
Pg. 74-76: Maybe an obvious identifying mark on the dumpster? Well written fire escape/rooftop/train station action sequence. Maybe some details of the pictures?
Pg. 77-80: "The expansive estate is draped in silence and gloom..." This description is redundant. Perhaps cut this chunk and go straight to, "Several henchmen patrol the grounds"? If Phin is trying to be stealthy, why sneak around and then openly approach the main entrance guards? ARGIUS and ARGUS are confusing, another name available? Nice turnabout with Hades/Phin. Good scene ending.
Pg. 80-85: Perhaps some form of backstory earlier can establish the strong bond between Phin and Mills. Might be more effective to tie the watch in with Nick in this photo instead of just another reminder photo. "Pandora stands at the entrance" is sufficient, the scene locale is already set in the header. She takes A gun out of her purse. Nice demise of the snake bitch and the one-eyed goon. Perhaps more effective by writing, "Phineas goes to his desk, pulls out a .38 revolver"? Nice family twist to end sequence (scene).
Pg. 85-89: Extinguishes the light? Without Orion mentioned earlier, the "reveal" doesn't have the impact; the audience "a-ha" moment. The red buttons might need labelling, they're too random for Phineas to just know which does what. This action sequence is not as clear or taut as your earlier ones.
Pg. 90-95: Nice prop (the invitation) use. "Now, unless you want to implicate...", perhaps a stronger line here? A little bit of on-the-nose dialogue; perhaps this is more effective: Theseus, "You're going to kill me either way. Phineas, "Give me the name, and I promise you'll be alive when I walk out of here." Just a thought. Good scene ending.
Pg. 95-96: Ahh, Hades' and Phins' deal comes to fruition. But what did Hades tell him? Nice suspense build.
Pg. 96-107: We already have a description of the elevator's interior. Who turns away again? Maybe 5 minutes to midnight on the watch? This action/dialogue takes about a minute. Good full reveal on this final flashback, the loose ends are neatly tied up. Ahh, O.C. is off-camera. I always thought O.S. was the abbreviation. Not sure if Herc's motivations are clear or strong enough I thought it was Pandora (heh! heh! heh!) Hera's a first-class A-one bee-yatch! Zeus is far too tolerant of her insolence.
Pg. 107-: Capitalize "God" throughout? Phin staying while Pandora leaves is a bit "Casablancian", but what the hell! Now Phineas should go for a drink. The only loose end is you didn't really clarify what went down between Hades and Phin. How much did Hades tell him in the mansion? Other than that, great job. Sincerely. -jt- read -
A review of Subsistenceby johnturnbull on 01/17/2012"Subsistence" by Reza Hussain is a marathon read made much more difficult by sentences that seemingly go on forever and are infused with hyperbolitical adjectives written in a style that seems culled from the Victorian era or perhaps from a translation of a long-winded language. Seriously though, this story is a little hard to follow; it really does feel translated or written... "Subsistence" by Reza Hussain is a marathon read made much more difficult by sentences that seemingly go on forever and are infused with hyperbolitical adjectives written in a style that seems culled from the Victorian era or perhaps from a translation of a long-winded language.
Seriously though, this story is a little hard to follow; it really does feel translated or written from a writer who's second language is English. Perhaps this is the tone the writer was trying to obtain, but it really doesn't work for this reviewer as it takes too long for anything to happen and the wordiness gets in the way of any character depth or reader empathy for the characters. It's like that badly told joke that takes forever to get to a punchline that isn't funny to begin with. With this type of tone, it's the styling AND the word selection that makes it work, makes its resonance potent. Neither is present in this far-from-short story.
There are some positives to this epic tale. For one, the use of second person is rare, so therefore refreshing. Additionally, the story has almost a gothic/Poe feel to it, say like "The Cask of Amontillado." Or maybe the long-winded author of the "Necronomicon", H.P. Lovecraft. Gotta love that old school descent-into-madness. Of course finding any another comparisons other than a vague stylistic similarity would be as fantastical as Bloom's discoveries. Perhaps a truer fan of this style/genre can glean more enjoyment and stylistic merit than this reviewer.
Overall, "Subsistence" is a gallant attempt at a tough and near-forgotten style that might, with a condensing in the rewrite, work well. read -
A review of Cover of Darknessby johnturnbull on 12/20/2011"Cover of Darkness" by William Walker is a light-hearted and lengthy fare that lets us in on the adventures of Will Valdez, a happy-go-lucky courier with big ambitions. While I like the attempt at wrting in the present tense, it almost reads like a fable or fairy tale, particularly with phrases like "she delivered the grand prize". Also, passive voice seems to stick out more... "Cover of Darkness" by William Walker is a light-hearted and lengthy fare that lets us in on the adventures of Will Valdez, a happy-go-lucky courier with big ambitions. While I like the attempt at wrting in the present tense, it almost reads like a fable or fairy tale, particularly with phrases like "she delivered the grand prize". Also, passive voice seems to stick out more in the present tense (ex. Walking to his car, it finally hit him) and there is a confusing mix of past and present tense throughout the story. Try reading screenplays for good examples of how to write in the active, present voice.
A short story needs to be concise, the writer simply doesn't have time to over-emphasize or over-describe situations and scenes. This holds true even if this is an excerpt for a longer piece, which I suspect it is judging by the ending. Valdez's reaction to hearing the news of his career oportunity is an example of this; this whole section could (and should) have been conveyed in a few sentences. When you do use detail, use it effectively. For example, you spend an inordinate amount of time explicitly describing Will's uniform, but then you mention he's stationed in a "third-rate city". The setting is much more important than the uniform; think of the difference from working in Boise as opposed to Detroit both can be considered third rate, but for entirely different reasons. This kind of detail is very important for the story's set-up.
Be cognizant of punctuation. While comma usage is subjective, such things like a punctuation mark at the end of a non-dialogue sentence should be noticed and avoided. There are many more examples of grammar and formatting mistakes throughout.
The action sequences, which take way too long to occur, are very clunky and disparate. They don't really work and come out of nowhere.
Bear in mind that despite of the aforementioned comments, the most important is that you are writing. Keep at it. There is some good stuff in your story like this passage, "Each day, Valdez was consigned to something new, tired, disgusting or exciting. Valdez learned quickly that people the police come in contact with could be nauseating, foul in body odor, mind and mouth" (although this is a place where more description, like an example, would have been effective). Move on to more stories before re-writing this one to hone in on and define your style. Don't be afraid to emulate successful writers; I suggest Hemingway for brilliant dialogue and Stephen King for succinct characterization (one loves of hates his characters in two or less sentences). The sky's the limit! read -
A review of Discoveryby johnturnbull on 12/15/2011"Discovery" by Erik Meyers is an ambititious short story that attempts to tackle the weighty subject of religion, specifically the rift between the Catholic and Jewish faiths. While the protagonist, Rabbi Davide, is conveyed reasonably well as a man at a spiritual crossroads, the story skirts around what should be the main thrust of the story by delving on non-pertinent details... "Discovery" by Erik Meyers is an ambititious short story that attempts to tackle the weighty subject of religion, specifically the rift between the Catholic and Jewish faiths.
While the protagonist, Rabbi Davide, is conveyed reasonably well as a man at a spiritual crossroads, the story skirts around what should be the main thrust of the story by delving on non-pertinent details and repetition. The other main issue I had with this story, other than the formatting and punctuation issues, was the pacing. This story crawled along like a snail tied to a cinderblock.
I think if the author digs a little deeper into personal beliefs and states it as an unbiased universal struggle for spiritual fullfillment, this story will satisfy on many more levels. Overall, this story is a nice attempt to make the reader think about difficult subject matter. read -
A review of Drawn To Lifeby johnturnbull on 11/25/2011"Drawn to Life" is a cute spooker with fairy-tale undertones told in the style of a narrator relating a tale to cohorts, perhaps around the fireplace in some secret club. This style can be effective if the narrator is relatable. I'm not sure this is the case here. The reader needs to know the reason that the narrator is telling the tale. Spend some time establishing this early... "Drawn to Life" is a cute spooker with fairy-tale undertones told in the style of a narrator relating a tale to cohorts, perhaps around the fireplace in some secret club. This style can be effective if the narrator is relatable. I'm not sure this is the case here. The reader needs to know the reason that the narrator is telling the tale. Spend some time establishing this early on. I realize there's a "reveal" at the end, but you need at least some sort of set-up.
The story mixes styles, gothic and contemporary, making a confusing jumble of old and new language. I mean, nobody talks (writes) like this nowadays, yet the story's timeline seems to occur in the present or near-present. If it doesn't, it's not very clear.
There is some nice imagery, like "in search of chocolate prey", yet there are too many flowery adverbs for the most part. Try to avoid writing in the passive voice (eg. Stunned by the force she instantly shut up and stayed still.)
Pay attention to your use of punctuation, particularly commas. There are myriad examples of wrongly placed or omitted commas throughout the piece.
"At first she was difficult to make out as what torchlight wasnt swallowed by her shading, reflected almost blindingly off her." - very confusing sentence. It took me a few reads to figure out who you were talking about and it is never a good thing to force the reader to do this; interest wanes exponentially. Try reading this aloud and see how it flows.
You spend too much time with description in some instances, like the simple process of climbing onto a window ledge and entering Sarah's house. It dilutes any tension you've tried to create.
Despite the comments and criticisms aforementioned, I do like the concept of the tale. Tighten it up a bit and it could very well be a good tweener spooker. read -
A review of The Angel of Woodward Avenueby johnturnbull on 11/11/2011"The Angel of Woodward Avenue" is a modern day fable in the metaphysical stylings of Juan Josι Arreola, a surreal Mexican author who used a lot of symbolism and celestial characters. There are several things to like about this short: the pacing, the premise, the twist, etc. I especially like how Borromeo was described just enough so the reader could visualize an out-worldly... "The Angel of Woodward Avenue" is a modern day fable in the metaphysical stylings of Juan Josι Arreola, a surreal Mexican author who used a lot of symbolism and celestial characters.
There are several things to like about this short: the pacing, the premise, the twist, etc. I especially like how Borromeo was described just enough so the reader could visualize an out-worldly appearance and left the rest up to the imagination. I also like how he is not a purist, he smokes and drinks (and indulges in other pleasure from time to time a great opportunity for another episode where the vices might get Borromeo in his own pot of hot water), much like how Archangel Michael is often portrayed. This type of characterization allows the story to veer away from being a traditional morality tale. Plus, it's cool to see the GOD making "clerical" errors.
The copy is clean, there are only a few minor grammatical errors. This is written by a seasoned writer and it shows. Fledging writers could and should use this piece as an example for story flow, dialogue, plot construction, word choice and length.
Overall, a great start to what I hope is a continuing series. read -
A review of Run Baby, Run!by johnturnbull on 11/07/2011"Run, Baby, Run" by C.C. Murphy is a colloquial piece written in the first-person perspective that has the tone and feel of a George A. Romero Zompocolypse. The opening brings the reader right in, as intrigue is nicely established. I'm not sure why they need "some" of the computers to find out what's going on, but other than that the establishing action moves at a brisk pace... "Run, Baby, Run" by C.C. Murphy is a colloquial piece written in the first-person perspective that has the tone and feel of a George A. Romero Zompocolypse.
The opening brings the reader right in, as intrigue is nicely established. I'm not sure why they need "some" of the computers to find out what's going on, but other than that the establishing action moves at a brisk pace.
Some of the references might date the piece down the road (Xbox) and some might be too obscure for the average reader (Ahnald), but this is a contemporary pop tale, so it's probably alright.
There are a few instances of poor punctuation and formatting that don't really detract from the story but should be cleaned up if and when this is given a serious submittal.
The time shifts are a little awkward, as it brings us to the apparent present, then three days back, then four days forward which is again the present; a little confusing. A good tactic for time shift in a short story is the three space paragraph gap.
A lot of time has passed without another food run. The tension could have been heightened with this event, as food would be more scarce and harder to obtain.
Clichιs like "screams like a banshee" usually indicate lazy writing. Surely there's a better, more original simile than this?
This could have been written as a series of journal entries, it might have been more effective. If that was the attempt, it wasn't clear.
The ending doesn't quite work, that of the baby's (child's) POV.
Finally, it would have been more effective to resolve the conflict with Chris and the pawn shop clan, at least somewhat.
Although I'm not a fan of the Zombie genre because of it's over-saturation and lack of originality, I did like that the focus of this story was more on the characters. It was also a bit of a twist for the protag to gain healing powers. It gave the zombies some substance. read -
A review of The French conspiracyby johnturnbull on 10/25/2011The "French Conspiracy" by Damien Owen is an espionage thriller along the vein of a John le Carrι novel. The pacing and locale shifts are fast-paced and the intrigue grabs you right from the beginning. Although this is chock full of mystery and secrets, often it is better when a "secret society" is of the author's imagination and not something straight out of a Dan Brown... The "French Conspiracy" by Damien Owen is an espionage thriller along the vein of a John le Carrι novel. The pacing and locale shifts are fast-paced and the intrigue grabs you right from the beginning.
Although this is chock full of mystery and secrets, often it is better when a "secret society" is of the author's imagination and not something straight out of a Dan Brown tome. Still the action is fast paced, the characters are believable and non-static, and the suspense is ample enough to hold the reader to the end. Despite the lack of originality in a tired genre, this is an easy and generally satisfying read.
My main complaints are: too many characters and an uncertainty as to who the main protagonist and antagonist are, a convuluted plot line with too much exposition and soap opera sub-plots, and a climax that is almost anti-climatic.
A few observations:
A lot of characters bombard the reader from the start and it's a little confusing remembering who's who.
There are a few typographical and punctuation issues sprinkled throughout (two black SUV; watches the cortege drives away; ...the personal bodyguard, strong and muscular comes out of the manor... etc.) that you might want to correct for cleaner copy, but these don't distract too badly from the story.
Watch out for "hangers" at the end of the page (ex. EXT. GRAND CENTRAL DAY, pg.7)
Page 11 not sure where the "two kids from the forest" came from.
Page 13 might want to break up John's long monologue with a bit of action. At this point I'm not really sure who is the protagonist. Nor am I sure of the "call to action".
Your scenes end well and your time/locale shifts flow nicely.
Page 22 I'm losing track of the characters again. Who's Aric?
Page 27 the kidnapping isn't very clear; maybe commit a scene to it?
The flashback scenes don't transisiton well from the present. The shift seems awkward or misplaced. INT. VAN Day (PRESENT).
Page 32 action break in the middle of Claire's dialogue?
Page 34 awkward with Claire continuing her dialogue to start the scene. Watch out for those "hangers".
Page 35... this whole conversation is a little too long-winded and technical/statistical. Reader's interest wanes. Maybe some of this info can be a reveal at the end?
Page 38 like the family tree visual.
Page 44 "Consternation" good word!
Page 46 the plot is getting a little soap oper-ish; it's straying from the main action thrust.
Page 46 again, a lot of characters, I'm losing track of who's who and their importance to the main plot.
Page 48 perhaps just say, "everyone has an Excalibur seal on their gold rings"? Like the Templar room mood and setting, though. Actually, each room is set up nicely. But maybe the monitors are written as "cutaways" to avoid confusion?
Page 51 like the SFX words! Crockett seems like a main character/hero now. Is this so? If it is, he's introduced awfully late.
Page 52-53 good action sequence.
Page 55 "everyone watches the van blast..."?
Page 59 some housekeeping: friend (there's others, but this one stands out)
Page 60/63 the plot is confusing here; are they agents for their countries or just scared and concerned parents? Both? Which takes precedence? Also, an awful lot of exposition.
Page 67 getting soapy again.
Page 71 like the photo correlation to the secret hiding place. But back to Susan and John; who are they again? Too many characters.
Page 72/74 I like the cryptic phone call, but does it need further explanation? The reader gets it on its own.
Page 76 Flink's final lines here are uneccessary.
Page 81 the dialogue is redundant. Arnaud could have simply said, "You found the secret room!"
Page 85 "How does that manuscript look like?" Awkwardly phrased.
Page 87 like the slip-up that leads to discovery. Nice touch!
Page 98 Stick with just, "Flink". Easier for the reader.
Page 100 a lot of exposition again. Maybe a montage of Tim viewing this would expediate the explanation?
Page 101 Where's the dark moment? I'm not feeling it.
Page 108 I'm not sure all of the lose ends are tied up...
read -
A review of The Creatureby johnturnbull on 09/22/2011The Creature, by Lili Frank Robinson, is a throwback horror yarn in the vein of the Hammer cheapies circa 1950. Unexplained and unseen things that go bump in the night are timelessly frightening if delivered right. The Creature makes a valid attempt at doing this but falls short, mainly because of the passive voice, over-description and utterly incomprehensible ending. Still,... The Creature, by Lili Frank Robinson, is a throwback horror yarn in the vein of the Hammer cheapies circa 1950. Unexplained and unseen things that go bump in the night are timelessly frightening if delivered right. The Creature makes a valid attempt at doing this but falls short, mainly because of the passive voice, over-description and utterly incomprehensible ending. Still, this may scare the little ones around the campfire and at least it isn't a sequel or a re-make. You listening, Hollywood?
Chronological Notes:
Pg.1
Adverbs are the bane of good writing. Chances are if it ends in "ly", get rid of it. "Exaggeratedly" might be one of the best examples of this point yet. Perhaps ever. This opening paragraph can be tightened. I know it's a set-up for the mood, but you always seem to talk around the point, using flowery prose to water it down. Did you just buy a thesaurus? It's almost like you're trying to write in Victorian style - and not quite getting there.
Pg.2
Why not say, simply, "My friend opened the trunk where our luggage was stowed"? One doesn't have much time to get the story across in short form, and reader interest can wane quickly. Same with, "We pulled out some sweaters..." End where I stopped the quote; those few words tell the reader all he/she needs to know. Of course it's cold if you need to put them on. More is said in what's unsaid, particularly in horror.
Why are you waiting so long to let us know who your "friend" is? Tell us right off the bat.
Do demented people often shake their legs? How about something like, "... shaking her legs like an addict with the DTs?"
Pg.3
This is a high-action scene that is slowed to a snail's pace by over-description. We need to feel that we are in the car with them, not watching it on YouTube while browsing our emails. USE ACTIVE VOICE!
Pg.4
The use of "Part I", "Part II", etc. is not necessary, especially when there is no real time or setting shift. The three-line hard return will suffice. Get rid of those adverbs. Try to avoid cliches like "jump out of our skin". Why don't you use "" for conversations? - "beating together to the rhythm of the shivers
harassing my body" good line of description here.
Pg.5
Wordiness. Try something like, "I needed a weapon and didn't want to go too far into the car to find one. I spotted the ice scraper on the floor mat, wedged under the gas pedal." "Heart pumping like thunder..." - good line. Your voice goes from scholarly (scrutinized the obscurity) to guttural (shitty situation) creating a character juxtaposition that really doesn't mesh.
Pg.6
"... entranced in a strange ritual dance..." - good line. Give your friend a name, already. "Clayey"?
Pg.7
Again you describe the friend's wounds. Once is enough. Maybe hint at the damage the first time and do your reveal here. Bone up on your use of the comma (and punctuation in general).
Pg.8
The use of passive voice (eg. Thinking I was hallucinating because of the traumatizing events I had just been through and that still lingered in my mind, I did not utter a word about the headlights I could see) is just KILLING the suspense. Spend more time with the creatures - how they stalk the car, postulations of their origin instead of how she feels in the car, which was already over-explained.
Pg.9
How do we know these creatures are female? Tell us.
Pg.11
Have the protag race out the car and into the open field. Her panic should be the reader's panic. It reads like she's thinking of some logical equation to use to counter the creatures doubts on her theorum. That's not scary at all! And wouldn't it be much more suspenseful if the protagonist was chased by at least a few of the creatures? Methinks so.
Pg.12
Run-on sentence 101: "Locking the door behind me, I could not stop myself from screaming even though I knew I was not making any sense, I ran around the house, locking the other doors and closing shut all windows I could see until I reached the living room where they were all sitting."
Pg.14
The end totally lost me. What happened? Are the relatives these creatures? I'm deducing this because no one in the cabin seemed bothered by someone outside screaming and trying to get in, but that's a stretch and something I had to come up with. It's your job to tell me this.
-jt- read -
A review of Serial Killers: An Anthologyby johnturnbull on 09/13/2011This clever anthology is weaved together by 17 disparate (or is that desperate?) writers who all have a fine voice. I succumbed to the forum pressure and am doing this review before the edited one is posted. A brief synopsis/opine follows for each short: AIR - Carl Salminen Preying in suburbia under the guise of service is always good horror fodder. This is a nice opener and... This clever anthology is weaved together by 17 disparate (or is that desperate?) writers who all have a fine voice. I succumbed to the forum pressure and am doing this review before the edited one is posted. A brief synopsis/opine follows for each short:
AIR - Carl Salminen
Preying in suburbia under the guise of service is always good horror fodder. This is a nice opener and a lot of action is packed into a few pages. Adding the pathos of Iona's condition is a nice touch. "I'm here for your air," great catch phrase!
THE KILLER IN THE BLACK BOOTS - Mark Zakeri
I found the time shifts a little confusing, especially the jump from the grave site back to the female reporter near the end. Some nice misleading visuals, like Abby dramatically slicing the apple. The killer's motive is not fleshed out well enough.
AGENT BURGUNDY - Garrett McMahon
I wanted to really like this one because the premise is great. It seems that there's just too much story crammed into the allotted space and it comes across, at least to me, as confusing. The montage is much too long. Some of the dialogue is unnecessary as well, especially the "TV" passage. This was probably condensed from a longer script and that version is probably very good.
THE SILENCE - Howard Knewes
An interesting premise that many writers have probably related to at one time or another. McKinley's interest in Abel, although set up by the missing neighbours, seems to random. A clearer suspicion for motive should be established. And what about Abel's wife? Does she need to be in the script? The mention of her doesn't add to the suspense or the reveal.
THE SUMMER OF BLOOD - Thomas J. Herber
Some nice visual settings, but is "the scene shifts around" necessary? Because of the importance of every character and line in something this short, it would have been nice to see Billy have more significance, especially since you named him and gave him lines. Maybe he shows up at the end and re-visits the house? Still, a pleasing twist on the oldest of camp fire horror stories in the modern times; does Emma's "thing" have a monkey paw in his back pocket?
ANGEL OF DEATH - Jeff Boggio
How do we know Britney is head strong from the character description? Oops. Not sure the dream sequence works or is necessary. It seems that Britney is the one who dies in the hospital room scene, the action is not very clear. Dr. Staubach's encounter is too terse, ends unsatisfactorily. Finally, the nurse's motivation to kill is too random. Doesn't work for me.
THE MATCHBREAKER - Patrick C. Taylor
Excellent line, "breathtakingly fragile". Says a lot with very little. Again, with "They carry it together. They might as well be holding hands." A predictable but still effective story, although I'm not sure the Reporter/Annie V.O. works. I hope it was worth it for Vincent.
DIRTY - Lizz-Ayn Shaarawi
Dan's compulsion with being clean makes a great metaphor for his motivations. I like how he is trying to be a serial killer and failing at it as opposed to being established at it. Makes the character more believable. A good story. SIDE NOTE: Saw you on "The First 15." Good job!
INSIDER - Steven Hale
A decent twist in this one. The problem I have is that there IS a pattern, a very discernable one. Also, maybe some conflict between Harlan and Tommy would make Tommy's behaviour more believable.
RUDE - Michael Thomas Daniel
Marvin's motivations seem deeply rooted in his experiences with overweight (and/or overbearing) women. This element of psychology works well for the piece. At neat ending would have been for the mother to start nagging at Marvin for the mess he made and then asking him how work went, keeping the juxtaposition and further tying Marvin to his mother; both of them equally twisted...
A DOG LIKE ME - Jay Boll
Not sure the quote is significant to the story. Merwyn Pilates is quite the mouthful. I don't think the flashback scene needs to be played out as a flashback. Keeping everything in the present is just as, if not more, effective. If you must use the flashback, maybe move it to the grave site scene. Merwyn's dialogue is a bit weak and a bit too "on-the-nose". Not sure complicating the situation with "The blood-splatter guy" killer is necessary. Might've worked better with leaving the ending with Roxy being turned on by Merwyn and them getting together...
BODIES - Paul Clingan
Creepy, but this one doesn't do much for me. Not sure why. Like the terse writing style, though.
HANDS - Christopher Stein
Ahh, a piano teacher sex fiend. Gives lessons a whole new meaning. I like this story, but some backstory into Kristen's motivation might have made it more effective. Perhaps she was friends with Michael's daughter and the daughter has gone missing...
KILLERS ANONYMOUS - Colin Hunt
A great premise with the AA meeting twist/tryst. I just found that I got a little lost with the surveillance van and the action towards the conclusion of the story. Why would Sharon and the team specifically target Kevin and not everyone else in the "meeting"?
INTERSTATE - John Turnbull
Either as self-effacement or congratulatory praise, I can't find it in me to review my own story.
THE PHOTOGRAPHER - Matt Williams
First of all, excellent work imagining and compiling this collection. This script is a bit cliche, but the strength in this piece is the dialogue. I just find it a bit hard to believe that he can have that kind of evidence in his den, so close to where his family watches TV. A lock on the door, perhaps? Or maybe there's some of the photographs all over the TV room and his family digs it too?
RICKY AND CHLOE - Ben Hausler
Reminiscent of a "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"-type family. Backwoods creepy. I found it a little hard to follow, although the transitions to flashback were well done for the most part. It was the end that lost me.
read
Comments About johnturnbull 38
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Christopher O'Rourke on 03/01/2012
Hey John-
Thanks for the review of "Night Falls on Olympus". You offered some good notes. Much appreciated!
Cheers-
Chris -
Mike Wolfson on 01/17/2012
Congratulations on the "The Sound of The Night" being in the spotlight. I remember reading & reviewing the story, and thoroughly enjoying it. It's well deserved. Take care & good luck with your other projects. Mike. -
Mr. Cinema on 01/03/2012
I appreciate your review of M.I.F.K.B. I will definitely be using your feedback for my next draft. -
covofdark on 12/20/2011
Thank you for taking the time to read and review, "Cover of Darkness." -
gulfcoastomega on 11/11/2011
JTB,
Thanks much for taking the time to read my story and also for your kind comments. Very much appreciated!
-Glenn -
lizzayn on 09/30/2011
Just saw your review for the Serial Killer Anthology (I know, I'm terrible. Sorry) thanks for the kind words about Dirty and The First 15. I appreciate it! -
Gammon on 09/23/2011
Comment deleted by johnturnbull -
LiliFRobinson on 09/22/2011
Thanks for the critique. I will consider all advices and usefull tips as it might help me get better at what I love to do.
Could I perhaps ask for some specifications?
Don't quite understand what you meant here, care to explain? The last sentence really confuses me.
"Pg.4
The use of "Part I", "Part II", etc. is not necessary, especially when there is no real time or setting shift. The three-line hard return will suffice. Get rid of those adverbs. Try to avoid cliches like "jump out of our skin". Why don't you use "" for conversations? - "beating together to the rhythm of the shivers
harassing my body" good line of description here."
When you say "Bone up on your use of the comma (and punctuation in general)" - you mean that I should study punctuation more in order to avoid amateur mistakes?
And regrettably, tagging the creatures as females was an unfortunate mistake; I first wrote this story in French."Creature" is feminine noun in French. I don't know if you're familiar at all with the language but when a noun is feminine or masculine, we use he/she instead of it. I need to be more vigilant as sometimes I mix both languages.
At last, I'm not quite sure I understand your view of the ending. Why are you saying that someone's outside the cabin screaming? The narrator did get in the house to face her family and tried, with no great success, to tell them about the situation. Unfotunately, the creatures had followed not too far behind and were heading straight for the house. The last scene is the description of how it looks as the creatures are running down the hill towards the uncle's house, with the narrator being paralyzed and the family wondering what the hell's going on. I don't know if this helps clarify it for you; if it's still really incomprehensible, please let me know so I can work on making it work for other readers.
Thank you again for your constructive critique. I hope you won't mind me wanting further explanations.
LFR
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johnturnbull on 09/09/2011
http://www.triggla.tv/thefirst15/ - Great advice given with a respectful and laid back attitude. -
johnturnbull on 08/01/2011
@kelvinwong. Responding here in hope you'll see it as I erased your email addy like an idiot. Thanks again. I have a logline/synopsis that I'd love for you to read before I hit send. Sooner the better, he boldly requests...
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Comments About johnturnbull 38
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Quote
Hey John-
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Quote
Congratulations on the "The Sound of The Night" being in the spotlight. I remember reading & reviewing the story, and thoroughly enjoying it. It's well deserved. Take care & good luck with your other projects. Mike.
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Quote
I appreciate your review of M.I.F.K.B. I will definitely be using your feedback for my next draft.
+ more commentsChristopher O'Rourke on 03/01/2012
Thanks for the review of "Night Falls on Olympus". You offered some good notes. Much appreciated!
Cheers-
Chris
Mike Wolfson on 01/17/2012
Mr. Cinema on 01/03/2012