Jonnymixx

A review of Petty Crime

by Jonnymixx on 11/17/2009

I thought this script was cute, but I feel it needs some major work. I hate to sound cliche, but what's the motivation of the characters in this story? Benny, Eddie and Zach, for me, seemed like they all just wanted to get laid and that is a tough theme to base a screenplay on. Further complicating things was the fact that we really don't get to know who Selena is. Why... I thought this script was cute, but I feel it needs some major work.

I hate to sound cliche, but what's the motivation of the characters in this story? Benny, Eddie and Zach, for me, seemed like they all just wanted to get laid and that is a tough theme to base a screenplay on. Further complicating things was the fact that we really don't get to know who Selena is. Why are the guys so interested in her? What makes her so special? Is she just a piece of a** or does she have more going for her? She barely has a voice in the script, mostly playing off the other guys' fawning for her.

look, I'll be honest...and I'm saying this with sincerity. It's really tough to craft an interesting story based on a few felines. Not to mention, Bennie and Eddie's actual skills were really undefined. I wasn't sure exactly what each of them did. Eddie kills animals? That won't go over well with many readers, no doubt. And Bennie supposedly finds them, but do we ever actually see him succeed at it in the script?

The notes say this is partially a comedy, yet I didn't find myself laughing until I was well into the script. Comedies should really illicit a laugh in the first 5 pages, in my opinion. I hate to sound so negative, but I want to be constructive as possible. To make this script work, Benny and Eddie's roles need to be defined...as well as their motives. Getting Selena into the sack can be one, but there has to be more than that. I like the banter between Benny and Eddie and I like them competing for Selena, but that arc needs to be stronger. The ending with the fake cat and all the chasing around was tedious and dragged on for too long. Make a big splash in the end...maybe Benny and Eddie try to take Zach out of the picture by having his allergies get the best of him. Be creative!

Other notes:

Pg. 15 - He watches a little girl a her mum (should be "AND her mum").

Pg. 59 - The Robert Carlyle reference is too obscure.

Pg. 81 - Eddie and Zach scramble over each other on the floor being getting to their feet (doesn't sound right).

Pg. 95 - I know all about Eddie. And I know you do to (should read "you do, too").

Best of luck on the next draft. read

She wants revenge!

A review of Here's To Revenge

by Jonnymixx on 04/08/2008

This is the most fun I've had reading a script in a long time. Kudos to the writer. I laughed out loud on several occasions. Good stuff. Here are a couple notes to make this a little better - for what it's worth. There are several spelling and grammar mistakes littered throughout. That should be the first thing the writer fixes, as it shows a lack of professionalism... This is the most fun I've had reading a script in a long time. Kudos to the writer. I laughed out loud on several occasions. Good stuff.

Here are a couple notes to make this a little better - for what it's worth. There are several spelling and grammar mistakes littered throughout. That should be the first thing the writer fixes, as it shows a lack of professionalism. The Female Assassin should have a name. I know the idea is to make her a mystery, but as the main antagonist, there should be a name to her face. This could help us feel or not feel for her, as well. I think to further sympathize with her plight and not just make her a cold-blooded killer, it would be helpful to know a little more about her past other than the existing flashbacks. Maybe she can be shown more with her sister or her family as a normal woman. This would aid us in visualizing her as a human being at one point. Maybe, through flashbacks, she can be seen plotting her revenge with research and photos, etc. Build her character up more. It might also be interesting to see her revert back to a normal woman and plead for her life to Yuki at the end. "I'm going to kill you" as her last words didn't sit right for me. She needs to have some redeeming qualities.

Yuki's a little vague. What's his goal in all of this other than his own personal revenge? I think it might be helpful to see how he and the female assassin met and banded together. It might even be interesting to see them develop feelings for each other in their weak moments.

I thought this had a nice blend of comedy, action and suspense. Some of the funniest scenes were between Victor, Hector and Jodi. Things get a little confusing as to the Jodi/Shelly who-is-who scenario. If there's a better way to clarify that...

Some other notes...

Page 39. When Hector says "Ummm...yeah. He's got a knife and I don't. Plus, you are a call girl. That's pretty close to being a slut." I see the humor in the line, but it doesn't feel organic. Maybe Hector can just look Shelly up and down after she says "Hector, you going to let him call me a slut?" It'll be as if to say "have you looked at yourself lately?" The humor will be in the action and the fact she's dressed like a call girl.

Page 70. Having Victor look for the suitcase somewhere in the city seems a bit much. Maybe a smaller location can be used?

My main note with this SP, is that these characters need to know what type of people they are and what they're capable of. This justifies their actions, because technically their amnesia makes them all a blank slate. I also missed why Shelly was shot and then alive at the end. Did I miss something? And, how did the karate instructors become rapists?

These are just a few issues. All in all, I enjoyed this and urge the writer to maybe even shoot this himself. Few locations, characters
...shoot it on digital. Gonorrhea! read

Helium, not lithium

A review of Can't Go Back

by Jonnymixx on 03/26/2008

This is a script that needs some work, yet I'm not quite sure how to fix it. For one thing, every single character in this script was extremely unlikeable and pretty darn rotten. Bobby was willingly bilking money from his so-called clients, Janie was having an affair, Michael was sleeping with married women...nobody had a likeable quality to relate to. Plot-wise, well there... read

Rewrite on Aisle 5

A review of CHECKOUT GIRLS(V2)

by Jonnymixx on 03/10/2008

This script needs some work and I'll try to be as constructive as I can. Although cute, the story was a little flimsy. It would have been one thing to have us follow the experiences of Kate as Sadie helps her lose her virginity, but this concept became a small footnote in an otherwise minimal plot, as Kate's search for a good guy ended quickly with Richard. Here's my main... This script needs some work and I'll try to be as constructive as I can.

Although cute, the story was a little flimsy. It would have been one thing to have us follow the experiences of Kate as Sadie helps her lose her virginity, but this concept became a small footnote in an otherwise minimal plot, as Kate's search for a good guy ended quickly with Richard.

Here's my main problem with this script. Right off the bat, Kate hooks up with Tom when she knows Sadie is crazy about him. And then she tries to hide it from her? Not only does this make her come off as a horrible friend, it makes us not want to root for her. It's one thing to have these qualities emerge later on in the script, but Kate chooses this route early on.

Tom also didn't come across in a good light, as he was willing to keep seeing Sadie, while he was seeing Kate. And then when we find out all along that he's been engaged to Allison, that made he seem like more of a slimeball. And there's very little indication that he's at the market on a temporary basis...visiting from somewhere else. Where did he come from and why did he need to get away from his other life?

I really had a tough time finding some good comedic moments in this. I laughed out loud once and that was on page 47. If the author stayed true to the idea of Kate trying to lose her virginity, there could have been some funnier scenes. As it is, this is a little flat. Comedy is everything in these small-town stories.

Another problem for me was that this SP was riddled with spelling and grammatical errors. A small issue, yes, but one that is easily avoidable with spellcheck and a good once or twice-over. Not to mention, some words were unnecessary. Besotted? Is this a period piece?

All in all, I don't know quite where to go with this story. The life of a checkout girl could be fun to be a part of, but she has to be likeable and driven. Unfortunately, Kate was neither.

This is a nice start, though. Good luck and keep writing. read

Hungry Like the Wolfe

A review of A Woman's World - The Adventures of Wolfe Manly

by Jonnymixx on 07/17/2007

Well, I'm not quite sure how to review this script. Obviously this is geared toward a specific audience with the gross-out humor and gag jokes. I'd be curious to know what the writer intends to do with this, as this is not exactly a commercial movie. I definitely laughed several times and found some of the jokes and puns to be clever. Sometimes they were a bit over the... read

Fickle, indeed

A review of The Fickle Pickle

by Jonnymixx on 07/14/2007

Let me start off by saying that I thought this was a very smart script. The characters were colorful, the dialogue sharp and the plot was, for the most part, crafty. I liken this SP to a series of dots that might need a little connecting. I think it would strengthen the SP to know a little bit more about Max Jr. and his father, especially how Max Sr. got into trouble w/Poobah... read

Public disappointment

A review of Private America

by Jonnymixx on 09/26/2006

I'm going to start off with a few questions that I had while reading this. Other readers may have similar questions, as well, but these are mine: What is the significance of the title "Private America" and what is it's relation to the story? What do J.P. and Ramon really do for a living and who is Janice, the woman they supposedly work for? The German guy, the blond guy...who... read

Darwin's Theory

A review of The Other Side

by Jonnymixx on 08/29/2006

Wow. I must say this is a highly unique and unusual script. I always love ideas that are out there, but boy was this far out there. This took several different unexpected turns throughout, some that I liked and some that I wasn't quite fond of. Let me begin by congratulating the writer. My thoughts about the story aside, I thought this was written well and all the characters... read

Coffee needs sugar, among other things

A review of Coffee

by Jonnymixx on 07/10/2006

I'll get to the point and try to be as contsructive as possible. This SP is in desperate need of a plot. Without one, all the talking and relationship-driven dialogue is pointless and aimless. I originally thought Tom was the main character, but once he and Kate hooked up (rather easily I might add), Max became the central focus. This was problematic for several reasons... read

Virily, virily, virily, virily...

A review of The Last Virile Man

by Jonnymixx on 06/20/2006

Well, this was certainly an intereseting script. I have to admit, though, that inevitably I was disappointed with how it started and how it ended. I loved the first 35 pages. I thought the writing was clean, the characters Alejandro and Bob were very unique and the story and dialogue were very amusing. But then, things started to take a different course, one that I was... Well, this was certainly an intereseting script. I have to admit, though, that inevitably I was disappointed with how it started and how it ended. I loved the first 35 pages. I thought the writing was clean, the characters Alejandro and Bob were very unique and the story and dialogue were very amusing. But then, things started to take a different course, one that I was neither expecting nor could wrap my head around. The idea of one man left on earth that could still maintain an erection is funny, in the same way a 40-year old virgin is funny. I didn't, however, feel the follow-thru on this concept was as entertaining and visual as it could have been.

My first point of concern, is that the reason why there is only one virile man left, is not explained properly. What happened while Bob was stuck in the freezer (great scenes by the way)? All we know is what the ER docs tell us, and those are confusing scenes because it isn't quite clear what is real and what is a dream. I think Bob doesn't question his situation enough, especially after being locked up for so long.

My second point of concern is Cassandra. I didn't quite buy her motive and then when she left him at the end, that made me really dislike her. I don't know if the quthor was trying to accomplish the anti-happy ending, and if so, he was successful in doing so. The question is, how are we going to care about any of these characters when we can't root for them? More time needs to be spent on Cassandra and what it is she really wants from Bob, other than a great story to resurrect her career. Also, Alejandro had some funny moments, but if we also knew what he wanted from Bob, his scheming would have much more justified. All he is now, is an unhappy ex-lothario. What if Cassandra and Alejandro were dating and Alejandro suddenly felt threatened by Bob? Nothing as sweet as revenge, right?

My third point of concern is Bob. At no point did I feel he was in control and in touch with his newfound fame and talents. He just happily pounces around from bed to bed without a care in the world. There should have been consequences to some of his actions. He should have realized there was more to life than being a sexual object (shocking), which would have been realized had Cassandra and him fallen in love. Yes that would have been obvious, but we're all suckers for a good romantic story.

Anyway, there are some great moments in this, but I think the author needs to flesh the story some more to take it to the next level. The idea is there. The follow-thru...not quite. read

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