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Reviews by Jordan Anthony Thomas 26
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A review of Old Acquaintance be Forgotby Jordan Anthony Thomas on 11/30/2011Okay, there was five minutes of enjoyment. First, I laughed my ass off at the concept. It is somewhat of a fish out of water story. Second, I like drugs and sex. Third, the characters where wonderful and well defined with an edgy off-the-cuff sort of style. Fourth, the narration is smooth and well delivered. What are we on now...Fifth...lighting was solid....sixth...good sound... Okay, there was five minutes of enjoyment. First, I laughed my ass off at the concept. It is somewhat of a fish out of water story. Second, I like drugs and sex. Third, the characters where wonderful and well defined with an edgy off-the-cuff sort of style. Fourth, the narration is smooth and well delivered. What are we on now...Fifth...lighting was solid....sixth...good sound quality. Sound is a bitch, I'm still struggling with it myself.
Right.
So, for the critique I have to say that I didn't get the last joke about it must've been viagra. Maybe I don't know enough about the side effects of viagra. Would suggest a line or two at the beginning to set-up the end. I'm sure it works if one is informed on this sort of thing, but it can't hurt to "idiot proof" the thing with a quicky V.O line.
Does feel a little Guy Ritchiesque. But, that's what I've been exposed to as far as the Brit crime genre goes...I'm sure you're sick of hearing it.
Anyway, good work. Hope you get some mileage out of this one. Anyway I can support your work let me know.
Jordan read -
by Jordan Anthony Thomas on 12/12/2009Finally a movie about a man who has the same phobia of pregnant women as I do! It really was time to show preggos in the creepy light. Give it a low budget and get it on late night cable and you got a solid win for the writer. It is what it is and doesn't apologized for it. I love that. May it be judged as an absurdist comedy along the lines of Frankenhooker and The Toxic Avenger... Finally a movie about a man who has the same phobia of pregnant women as I do! It really was time to show preggos in the creepy light. Give it a low budget and get it on late night cable and you got a solid win for the writer. It is what it is and doesn't apologized for it. I love that. May it be judged as an absurdist comedy along the lines of Frankenhooker and The Toxic Avenger rather than the Godfather. I read this script and feel that Joe Bob Briggs would be proud to include it in his pantheon of drive-in classics. I would encourage some nudity in future drafts. That's just me though.
Concept: I gotta give it a Good. Solid. Not many scripts out there like it. Although I did read one that was a bit similar here on the street a while back. It was more of a horror flick though. There is a freakshow quality about it that begs the curious to come take a look.
Characters: I'm tettering between average and good on this one. This is where I must grade it according to its genre rather than according to the guidelines of good taste. In that regard, I'll give it a good. Ray carries the show well as an irreverant "Sledge Hammer" type of character. Funny, I just noticed that all the stuff I've compared Death Rattle to are from the eighties. I wonder what happened to this type of campy fun? Must research this...
Dialogue: I can't give a Good on this one. Even though some lines are truely funny. A lot of the jokes don't quite seem funny enough. I recommend reading it outloud and to an audience in order to fleece out the stuff that works and the stuff that doesn't. A lot of telling instead of showing but not so much to make the script unreadable. Just something to consider in future drafts. Try to convey the info visually before turning to dialogue and try not to repeat information too many times. The Thalamus/Thalami joke got a little old.
Story: I'm hemming and hawing over how to grade this. It, like the characters are tettering on between good and average. I'm going to go with good just because I've never seen a preggo convention in a film before. This is some seriously disturbing stuff.
Structure: This is pass/fail to me. This passes. It hits its marks. The structure works for the story being told.
Okay, so the absurdist part of this comedy is allowing it to get away with a lot of stuff. It is creative though and quite disgusting. I don't know about how to market such a thing but I enjoyed the read.
Hope this review was helpful and good luck.
read -
A review of Snoqualmie Fallsby Jordan Anthony Thomas on 12/11/2009Always a good time reading a local script. We sure need more movies set in the Northwest. I got the feeling that the broadstrokes were there but the entire story felt very rushed. This one came in at 94 pages so there is a lot of room for growth. Concept: Love the concept. It felt like a Stephen King story in the beginning. I was expecting Dennis to lurk in the shadows more... Always a good time reading a local script. We sure need more movies set in the Northwest. I got the feeling that the broadstrokes were there but the entire story felt very rushed. This one came in at 94 pages so there is a lot of room for growth.
Concept: Love the concept. It felt like a Stephen King story in the beginning. I was expecting Dennis to lurk in the shadows more but was pleasantly surprised when he appeared to serve up his revenge cold.
Characters: Need to be fleshed out more. Mostly in the beginning. There is plenty of room to establish these characters in their normal worlds before throwing them into the fire of Dennis' revenge. It's great that the story gets off to a fast start but when the threat hits before we've gotten a chance to get to know the characters it falls flat. We need to care about each and everyone who dies on some level. Show us something initially that'll endear us to them. Then it becomes more powerful when they die. The fastest way to make a character likeable is to make them passionate about something or to show them being loved by someone. This establishes their worth to the audience.
Roxie is very obvious and that's a problem. I my opinion the script would be better served with her playing the part of the supportive wife throughout the script and then be revealed as the femme fatale at the end. This will also eliminate the question of, "Why is Kyle with this bitch?" Which honestly I can't see as is.
I like Dennis. Revenge is a dish best served cold and he puts his former buddies in a heap of shit. I would like to know more about his journey from the lake to prominence though. Also the question of "Why now?" should be addressed.
Dialogue: Pretty rough. Not a lot of subtext here and plenty of telling through dialogue what should be shown through visuals. I'm pretty sure this is an early draft and I've read some good dialogue in Northern Burritos so I'm not too worried about it. I think it's a mistake to spend too much time on dialogue in the beginning of a script anyway since a lot of it winds up getting cut.
Story: Rushed, but the basic strokes are there. I can see how this could develope into a fun story. The flashbacks are a bit much but I can see how they might be nessecary in this movie. There are a lot of ways to tell a story and the way the information is doled out goes a long way in achieving the desired effect. I say, try to stay away from the flashbacks. I would consider opening the movie with them as kids and establishing their characters rather than flashing back. This is about suspense, so a build-up is crucial.
Structure: This is a pass fail category for me. This passes.
I think it's great that the terms U-Dub and Wazzu are used, but will people not from the Northwest understand what they mean? Maybe a line or two to clarify.
I enjoyed this quick and easy read and hope this review might be of some help. Good luck with this in the future.
Jordan read
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Submissions by Jordan Anthony Thomas
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Reviews by Jordan Anthony Thomas 26
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A review of Old Acquaintance be Forgotby Jordan Anthony Thomas on 11/30/2011Okay, there was five minutes of enjoyment. First, I laughed my ass off at the concept. It is somewhat of a fish out of water story. Second, I like drugs and sex. Third, the characters where wonderful and well defined with an edgy off-the-cuff sort of style. Fourth, the narration is smooth and well delivered. What are we on now...Fifth...lighting was solid....sixth...good sound... Okay, there was five minutes of enjoyment. First, I laughed my ass off at the concept. It is somewhat of a fish out of water story. Second, I like drugs and sex. Third, the characters where wonderful and well defined with an edgy off-the-cuff sort of style. Fourth, the narration is smooth and well delivered. What are we on now...Fifth...lighting was solid....sixth...good sound quality. Sound is a bitch, I'm still struggling with it myself.
Right.
So, for the critique I have to say that I didn't get the last joke about it must've been viagra. Maybe I don't know enough about the side effects of viagra. Would suggest a line or two at the beginning to set-up the end. I'm sure it works if one is informed on this sort of thing, but it can't hurt to "idiot proof" the thing with a quicky V.O line.
Does feel a little Guy Ritchiesque. But, that's what I've been exposed to as far as the Brit crime genre goes...I'm sure you're sick of hearing it.
Anyway, good work. Hope you get some mileage out of this one. Anyway I can support your work let me know.
Jordan read -
by Jordan Anthony Thomas on 12/12/2009Finally a movie about a man who has the same phobia of pregnant women as I do! It really was time to show preggos in the creepy light. Give it a low budget and get it on late night cable and you got a solid win for the writer. It is what it is and doesn't apologized for it. I love that. May it be judged as an absurdist comedy along the lines of Frankenhooker and The Toxic Avenger... Finally a movie about a man who has the same phobia of pregnant women as I do! It really was time to show preggos in the creepy light. Give it a low budget and get it on late night cable and you got a solid win for the writer. It is what it is and doesn't apologized for it. I love that. May it be judged as an absurdist comedy along the lines of Frankenhooker and The Toxic Avenger rather than the Godfather. I read this script and feel that Joe Bob Briggs would be proud to include it in his pantheon of drive-in classics. I would encourage some nudity in future drafts. That's just me though.
Concept: I gotta give it a Good. Solid. Not many scripts out there like it. Although I did read one that was a bit similar here on the street a while back. It was more of a horror flick though. There is a freakshow quality about it that begs the curious to come take a look.
Characters: I'm tettering between average and good on this one. This is where I must grade it according to its genre rather than according to the guidelines of good taste. In that regard, I'll give it a good. Ray carries the show well as an irreverant "Sledge Hammer" type of character. Funny, I just noticed that all the stuff I've compared Death Rattle to are from the eighties. I wonder what happened to this type of campy fun? Must research this...
Dialogue: I can't give a Good on this one. Even though some lines are truely funny. A lot of the jokes don't quite seem funny enough. I recommend reading it outloud and to an audience in order to fleece out the stuff that works and the stuff that doesn't. A lot of telling instead of showing but not so much to make the script unreadable. Just something to consider in future drafts. Try to convey the info visually before turning to dialogue and try not to repeat information too many times. The Thalamus/Thalami joke got a little old.
Story: I'm hemming and hawing over how to grade this. It, like the characters are tettering on between good and average. I'm going to go with good just because I've never seen a preggo convention in a film before. This is some seriously disturbing stuff.
Structure: This is pass/fail to me. This passes. It hits its marks. The structure works for the story being told.
Okay, so the absurdist part of this comedy is allowing it to get away with a lot of stuff. It is creative though and quite disgusting. I don't know about how to market such a thing but I enjoyed the read.
Hope this review was helpful and good luck.
read -
A review of Snoqualmie Fallsby Jordan Anthony Thomas on 12/11/2009Always a good time reading a local script. We sure need more movies set in the Northwest. I got the feeling that the broadstrokes were there but the entire story felt very rushed. This one came in at 94 pages so there is a lot of room for growth. Concept: Love the concept. It felt like a Stephen King story in the beginning. I was expecting Dennis to lurk in the shadows more... Always a good time reading a local script. We sure need more movies set in the Northwest. I got the feeling that the broadstrokes were there but the entire story felt very rushed. This one came in at 94 pages so there is a lot of room for growth.
Concept: Love the concept. It felt like a Stephen King story in the beginning. I was expecting Dennis to lurk in the shadows more but was pleasantly surprised when he appeared to serve up his revenge cold.
Characters: Need to be fleshed out more. Mostly in the beginning. There is plenty of room to establish these characters in their normal worlds before throwing them into the fire of Dennis' revenge. It's great that the story gets off to a fast start but when the threat hits before we've gotten a chance to get to know the characters it falls flat. We need to care about each and everyone who dies on some level. Show us something initially that'll endear us to them. Then it becomes more powerful when they die. The fastest way to make a character likeable is to make them passionate about something or to show them being loved by someone. This establishes their worth to the audience.
Roxie is very obvious and that's a problem. I my opinion the script would be better served with her playing the part of the supportive wife throughout the script and then be revealed as the femme fatale at the end. This will also eliminate the question of, "Why is Kyle with this bitch?" Which honestly I can't see as is.
I like Dennis. Revenge is a dish best served cold and he puts his former buddies in a heap of shit. I would like to know more about his journey from the lake to prominence though. Also the question of "Why now?" should be addressed.
Dialogue: Pretty rough. Not a lot of subtext here and plenty of telling through dialogue what should be shown through visuals. I'm pretty sure this is an early draft and I've read some good dialogue in Northern Burritos so I'm not too worried about it. I think it's a mistake to spend too much time on dialogue in the beginning of a script anyway since a lot of it winds up getting cut.
Story: Rushed, but the basic strokes are there. I can see how this could develope into a fun story. The flashbacks are a bit much but I can see how they might be nessecary in this movie. There are a lot of ways to tell a story and the way the information is doled out goes a long way in achieving the desired effect. I say, try to stay away from the flashbacks. I would consider opening the movie with them as kids and establishing their characters rather than flashing back. This is about suspense, so a build-up is crucial.
Structure: This is a pass fail category for me. This passes.
I think it's great that the terms U-Dub and Wazzu are used, but will people not from the Northwest understand what they mean? Maybe a line or two to clarify.
I enjoyed this quick and easy read and hope this review might be of some help. Good luck with this in the future.
Jordan read -
A review of Northern Burritosby Jordan Anthony Thomas on 11/22/2009Oh Lord! And I thought I had a sick sense humor. The saving grace here is that it is funny...for the type of people who enjoy sick humor. A lot of people would be horrified by Northern Burritos. But I do feel it has an audience. It is low budget and that's a good thing with the limited audience. Funny as it is, applying a little craft could help significantly to push it toward... Oh Lord! And I thought I had a sick sense humor. The saving grace here is that it is funny...for the type of people who enjoy sick humor. A lot of people would be horrified by Northern Burritos. But I do feel it has an audience. It is low budget and that's a good thing with the limited audience. Funny as it is, applying a little craft could help significantly to push it toward production. Frank's character flaws are apparent, but I never got a sense of why he has to be at this looney bin. This is a big hole that if addressed would strengthen the story. I can see his motivation in getting the pills and I think that would be a great thing to build on earlier in the script.
Concept: Solid. I'll give it a good. It's not high concept but there's plenty to work with here. Something about seeing old folks act like kids is really funny. I think it works because it is not what is expected from the elderly.
Character: Well, can't say there's a lot of depth here so it all depends on how you look at it. This cast works for a madcap comedy and they probably don't need a whole lot more flushing out. There's good variety and contrast between the old folks and Frank. I write these type of characters a lot so I'll give it a good.
Dialogue: This one is the hard one because a good deal of it is funny and that is after all the point of the movie. However there's a ton of it. It is a problem in the script. Too much of a good thing.
Story: Here's where it really starts to get sticky. As far as the broadstrokes go I'd say there is something to work with. I just can't see why Frank doesn't quit. I mean the first time an old guy told me to lick his ass, I'd be out the door.
Structure: This is a pass/fail category for me and I'll have to give it a pass. The tension doesn't rise from start to finish. Frank goes in and the highjinks start and never end. But the basic marks are hit.
I hope this review is of some help and good luck in the future. read -
A review of Black Codeby Jordan Anthony Thomas on 11/22/2009I like the premise here. I think it'd work best as a straight comedy with a lot less dramatic stuff thrown in there. Think about it. A guy is going around trying to be a superhero. You really only have two ways to go with it. Either make him a serious superhero type like Batman or make it a comedy. This middle ground kills a lot of what could develop into something worthwhile... I like the premise here. I think it'd work best as a straight comedy with a lot less dramatic stuff thrown in there. Think about it. A guy is going around trying to be a superhero. You really only have two ways to go with it. Either make him a serious superhero type like Batman or make it a comedy. This middle ground kills a lot of what could develop into something worthwhile.
The pacing was slow. We belong to the short attention span generation. Nobody wants to hear characters droning on and on. We want action. We want visuals and we want them to move quickly.
Concept: Solid enough. I'm teetering on whether to give it an average or a good. I'm going to go ahead with good on this one. I do thin a lot can be made of this and I think it is a worthy project to hone one's craft on. I learned the most by consistently rewriting so if you're passionate about the project, I say stick with it and make it work. As said before I would consider going straight comedy with it though.
Characters: Not bad. I'm giving them an average because the characters are there and they are fairly well developed. I don't think the information about them is doled out well but that is another category. Hayden is a likeable enough guy although I for one don't buy the idea that he'd reject sex that's just dropped at his feet like that. Honestly a lot of guys don't respect that stuff at all. That and a lot of women wouldn't believe a guy would do that. I'd rather see Hayden have the flings and be discontent with it. I'd respect him more because as is it feels like he's just scared. Antgonist could be more present through out the script. The antagonist is vital in these movies and your protagonist will only be as good as the antagonist makes him.
Dialogue: Oh mamma! Got some work to do here. There's a whole lot of it going on here. Go through the script and select the information that is absolutely relevant to the script and try to find every conceivable way to express these bits of information visually rather than through dialogue. Yes, some stuff is better just spoken but you really need to challenge everything before taking the easy route. Anything that isn't important needs to be fleeced.
Story: Not really all that engaging. I'm not going to slam the effort because there is plenty there to work with. Right now it just isn't shaped very well. I do like the Boeing sub-plot. I think that works well to add tension and force Hayden to make difficult choices. I do think there is too much of the Boeing sub-plot. I like the idea of a love story. Really I think more antagonist is needed and more action.
Structure: Not bad. The basics are there. I think the one major thing I have to say is that this all develops really late. Hayden doesn't act to become a super hero until page 50 something I think and really that should be accelerated to your act 1 break. I'd suggest by page 25 to keep it status quo. Usually this is a pass/fail category for me. Pass getting a good and fail getting a below average. I'm giving it an average because it is obivious that the stuff is there but needs a bit of tinkering in the arrangement.
Final note: I'm not sure about the Batman/Spiderman references. I think this could be a copyright issut. Should check on that before continuing to use them. I'd suggest just saving the hassle and using generic superhero's in their place.
I hope this review was of some help and good luck with this project in the future. It is well worth your time and effort. read -
A review of Snow (Revision)by Jordan Anthony Thomas on 11/08/2009Wow, that was a trip! Little bit of Machinist meets Momento equals mindfuck city. I gotta say overall I'm impressed. The thing is that with reality being so distorted it's hard to pick-up on inconsistencies, so forgive me if I'm not that helpful. I'll see what comes to mind as I write this review. Characters: Overall the strongest point in the script. All of the characters... Wow, that was a trip! Little bit of Machinist meets Momento equals mindfuck city. I gotta say overall I'm impressed. The thing is that with reality being so distorted it's hard to pick-up on inconsistencies, so forgive me if I'm not that helpful. I'll see what comes to mind as I write this review.
Characters: Overall the strongest point in the script. All of the characters are captivating. the Therapist kinda pisses me off a bit...I don't know why. I just got sick of him trying to interupt the revealing of information with the same old "We shouldn't be doing this" schick.
Dialogue: I'm saying it's good but there is a lot of it and it is used to reveal information to a fault. So how do I grade it? Study Momento and take notes of the ways information is doled out visually. This is the big flaw in the script (that's not that big of a flaw). The dialogue itself is pretty good though.
Concept: I'll give this one a solid "Good". It's not somethign that I'd read the logline and say " This has to be made!" But with good execution (close) and the budget being low (booyah!) I can see it getting made. The low budget was really well addressed.
Structure: I hate this category. Either the structure works or it doesn't and most people mistake story with structure. So how do you grade structure? I suspect that this one will recieve high marks for structure because people will see the all the interesting reveals and say "That's great structure!" Well, I'm not one to buck the system. The structure is good, it works. Lets move on to the story...
Story: The one big question I had going through the first part of the script was "What set this off?" "Why was Andrew putting up these cameras?" Well I got that answer. I always hate/love having to go back and scratch out my notes from the first act. Storywise I think this is a very special script. Stories like it have done well. I can't off of one reading see any glaring inconsistencies that would hold it back. The ending isn't bad, but is it enough of a punishment for Andrew to have to continue the cycle? Okay, in Momento it works. In the Machinist Bale's character eventually turns himself in and we feel that justice is served. I'm not knocking the ending here. It does work. But maybe it could be driven home to the audience that Andrew is in a living hell and is doomed to repeat it over and over again. I just think the audience (ever so stupid as it is) needs it to be very clear that Andrew didn't skate unpunished.
The way to improve this script is not going to come in the broad strokes. It's going to involve scene by scene disection. Making sure every scene turns and accomplishes a specific purpose in a timely manner. I will give the compliment that on a first reading the story itself really defies my criticism. That doesn't happen a lot.
Kudos, and good luck with this one.
Jordan read -
A review of Maniacal (Revision)by Jordan Anthony Thomas on 11/07/2009Pretty clean script. Very easy to read but I can't say that it is my taste of movies. This one features a female protagonist which is refreshing to see. Concept: I'm kind of iffy on this. It's not bad and if executed well can work. It's not something that makes me stand-up and shout " Yes! This must be made!" Of course, very little makes anyone do that. But, as I said if... Pretty clean script. Very easy to read but I can't say that it is my taste of movies. This one features a female protagonist which is refreshing to see.
Concept: I'm kind of iffy on this. It's not bad and if executed well can work. It's not something that makes me stand-up and shout " Yes! This must be made!" Of course, very little makes anyone do that. But, as I said if the execution is good than you got something. I don't feel as of now that the execution is there to merit this film getting made. To me this script needs something more. It needs an edge. Somewhere in the fabric there's a twist that'll set this thing off. Right now it is very straight forward and just not special enough.
Characters: Movies really are only as good as their antagonist. In this type of movie the antagonist is more important than the protagonist because the protagonist is an "everywoman" thrust into an unusual circumstance. Susan doesn't work as an antagonist as is. I don't believe her motivations at all. I'm not seeing why she would be so obsessed with this Paul that she'd go through all the lengths that she has. If she were taking revenge on a series of people whom she feels have rejected her than I could see it. But to have Paul be that one special someone just isn't jiving. I think the broad strokes are there but a better version of an antagonist will be needed to set this film off. Really with these type of movies it's about Antagonist vs. Protagonist and the more intesting they are the more interesting the movie will be.
On the protagonist side I think this'll be closer to ready. I would really think about giving Amber a limitation to overcome in order to save her family. I really like the fact that Riley isn't Paul's kid and Amber has been keepign that secret. I think that's a keeper.
I think overall Paul was handled pretty well. You can't make him a bitch but you have to allow him to be saved. He's likeable enough because of his love for his son; yet flawed in his personal habits. Well managed. Keep in mind that some actor is going to have to play the part of Paul and he's going to have to allow himself to be saved by a woman...it's not something a lot of guys want to do. The best way to deal with it is to let Paul be somewhat heroic in everyway possible, even if he's not the one that saves the day.
Dialogue: There's an awful lot of it. Try, try, try to take the information conveyed in the dialogue through-out and find a visual way to get it across. It's not easy and sometimes you have no choice but to just say it in dialogue, but you have to really push to get it out visually.
It was a mixed bag of good dialogue and on the nose dialogue. Best bet is to read it out loud and than have it read out loud to you.
Story: I think it comes out as fairly generic. (which doesn't mean bad, I've seen a whole lot worse). I just think it's missing a wrinkle and a twist to set it off. I know somewhere in all of this there's a piece of information you can withhold until the very end to make the audience go "Oh shit!" That's the reaction you want from this kind of movie just before the showdown. This involves the giving and withholding of information both from the protagonist and the audience. What audience knows and what the protagonist knows are not always consistent. Amber is looking for the answer to the questions "Is my family dead? Where are they?"
Structure: Your structure is fine. I don't know why we grade that here. It either works or it doesn't. As is, it works.
good luck on your rewrites. read -
A review of Dying to Liveby Jordan Anthony Thomas on 11/07/2009There's a lot going for this script. It starts with a very solid concept that could be turned to gold with some work. The broad strokes are in place. Dialogue: Not bad, but not really memorable either. That's alright because for an early draft you don't want to spend to much time on it. This is billed as a comedy and while there is some funny lines I didn't get enough of the... There's a lot going for this script. It starts with a very solid concept that could be turned to gold with some work. The broad strokes are in place.
Dialogue: Not bad, but not really memorable either. That's alright because for an early draft you don't want to spend to much time on it. This is billed as a comedy and while there is some funny lines I didn't get enough of the humor to really merit the comedy tag. I think this script could really do well by keeping Mike a straightman and allowing Phil or another character to be more eccentric in order to push the comedy.
Characters: The broad strokes are here as well but I'm not feeling a whole lot from any of the main characters. They just seem flat to me. Mike has some likability issues in that while he's not a bad guy...he's not really that interesting either. One way to help make a character more appealing is to give him something to be passionate about. I think it's very possible to balance Mike's boredom with life, while still giving him something that gives him a bit of a spark. It could be a dog, an elderly grandmother or even a little brother.
Story: There's a lot of potential here. I liked the set-up. But it afterward it took quite a while to get Mike to the point of taking action and approaching Sergio.
To me the mid-point seems obvious. It's the point where things become "real" and Mike's life truly becomes endangered. I think you have good sense of this as well. I just don't like the way it was done. It was definent enough for me. I want a better reason, a more concrete reason for Sergio to go from just giving Mike a thrill, to really going after him. Find a reason and make it clear. This really involves going into Sergio's character more. Right now he's pretty one dimensional bad guy.
I'm cool with the reveal of Sara (boring name) being an undercover agent. I'm not big on the big fake out with the money. I'd rather see some actual money that could be used. I say this for the sake of believability. Sergio would have to be pretty stupid to not confirm the actual existence of the cash. This is actually a pretty easy problem to address and does a lot to make the ending more interesting.
It's unclear about the fate of the guys who dropped out the window. Are they dead? Are they crippled? I ask because movies usually go one of two ways. Either people are dying all the way through or they don't die at all. Either way works but a specific direction should be chosen.
Structure: Basic structure is fine. This is one of the those categories that is hard to grade they way they have it. What the hell is excellent structure anyway? Does it mean unconventional? Anyway, I'm rambling.
There's very little description in the scene set-ups. Not saying you should bog the script down but setting the story would really help the reader picture your world.
Anyway, that's all I got. Good luck with this one in the future. I think you have a some serious potential here. read -
A review of Rated Rby Jordan Anthony Thomas on 08/24/2009This is what happens when comic books come alive. This has the unflinching entertainment value that most people with taste frown upon. I dug it. There's not a lot I can say off of one read but I do have a few notes. Taking shots at movies you don't like might make you feel better but it does little to help your career. You really don't know who could be reading this. Maybe... This is what happens when comic books come alive. This has the unflinching entertainment value that most people with taste frown upon. I dug it. There's not a lot I can say off of one read but I do have a few notes.
Taking shots at movies you don't like might make you feel better but it does little to help your career. You really don't know who could be reading this. Maybe some assistant that worked on Inglorious Bastards and is really proud of it. Honestly the jokes aren't funny enough to make it worth it.
I wasn't sold on Lilly's test of Sid's humanity. It just wasn't a strong enough test to say "Shoot that person". It's not horrible at all, I just think a stronger test exists. Something that really proves Sid is a human being. Maybe him taking mercy on someone or something that might otherwise be a target.
Something felt really inconsistent about the tone of Victor's character. He's set-up to be this inhuman badass in the beginning and then he starts making witty retorts. Witty retorts humanizes him and make him less threatening. For some reason I think of Max Cady from Cape Fear when I think of the type of demeanor I'd like to see from Victor. That's just my opinion though. I think all great villains are Nietzchean in some way. I'd really dig hearing Victor pop off some cool philosophic babble somewhere in there. He does a little but when I think of the great Nietzchean characters like Max Cady, Kahn (from star trek) and Wolf Larsen from the Seawolf, they all have an articulate way of presenting their philosophy. I really recommend the Seawolf by Jack London as an example.
Very little setting description. This is the number 1 note I give. I guess people just don't believe in description anymore. It can be done without bogging down the read and it adds a lot to the overall experience. A couple lines in each location would be nice. This will also help bring your action to life.
Really enjoyed Sid's backstory reveal. The part where he couldn't get in to see an R rated movie. Very original.
Lilly's stepdad thing was a bit cheesy but at the same time when trying to imagine what this movie would look like it might work. I did like that Sid killed him at the end. That was cool and unexpected. I'm sure a lot of people will be horrified by it but I liked it.
Maybe a little less clever dialogue in some of the action scenes. Once in a while is cool but there were a few moments where I just couldn't buy into the idea of them stopping to exchange words.
It is hard to imagine what this movie will look like but if they can make Watchmen I suppose they can make anything. I really like that you didn't lame it up for a family audience.
Good job and good luck read -
A review of Carnyby Jordan Anthony Thomas on 08/24/2009Yep. There's no doubt about the dialogue in this one. It's funny, plain and simple. It's funny but overdone and mostly needless. There is very little actual story content here and a lot of talky scenes that don't do much to advance what little story there is. The whole thing reads like a 103 pages of redneck sketch comedy bits strung together. But it is damn funny. The talent... Yep. There's no doubt about the dialogue in this one. It's funny, plain and simple. It's funny but overdone and mostly needless. There is very little actual story content here and a lot of talky scenes that don't do much to advance what little story there is. The whole thing reads like a 103 pages of redneck sketch comedy bits strung together. But it is damn funny. The talent here is undeniable. I recommend in the future the writer spends more time plotting the story before riffing on two to four page dialogue scenes that will just wind up getting cut because they don't advance the story or reveal character. I used to do the same thing because dialogue was my strength as well. Cutting good dialogue hurts, especially when it's funny. Plot first, then add the jokes.
This movie is about Lucas. Yet Lucas barely appears in the 1st act. This is a problem. I think he showed up in three pages out of the first 25. This is your protagonist, he needs to dominate the screen time.
Lack of events. An event means a changing of a value. Example: Lucas has a five dollar bill. Misty steals the five dollar bill. This is an event because the status quo of your story has been altered. Lucas talking about losing a five dollar bill isn't an event. It's commentary on an event. The more events your story has the more interesting it will be. I highly recommend going through your story and making a list of every event that takes place. Every scene should have at least one event.
Stationary dialogue. Talking head scenes galore. Several scenes where the characters have no external goals to accomplish and merely chat it up in one location. Try to visualize how this would look on film. It'd be boring. No matter how funny the dialogue is.
Lots of characters. Not saying cut all of them but focus on the ones that directly impact Lucas' story.
I'm not big on the Antagonist plot. It works but I'd rather something a little more dastardly with a bigger pay off for Eugene that makes him less sympathetic.
Theme: What is the message of the movie? I know it's about stupid rednecks acting stupid but there does have to be a little something to be said.
I think it's a great idea for a story and great dialogue but the story itself needs a lot of work. I will say that the talent here is pretty exceptional. Keep writing.
read
Comments About Jordan Anthony Thomas 20
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gordonkris on 12/12/2009
Ah, Frankenhooker! Mr. Henenlotter is a hero of mine. Brain Damage is a masterpiece. Thanks for the review! -
RJWIII on 12/12/2009
Thank you for reading and reviewing ‘Snoqualmie Falls.’ Have a good weekend.
RJ
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**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/30/2009
http://fan.tcm.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=18344528&as=66470 -
RJWIII on 11/23/2009
Thanks for taking the time to read and review ‘Northern Burritos.’ Have a good one.
RJ
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**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/22/2009
Yes, I'm on Facebook. Look for Duncan Kellett. I live in Shoreline, but it might be listed under Seattle.
Go Seahawks! -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/21/2009
Is that Qwest Field in your profile pic? If it is, I live in Seattle. Maybe we can meet up?
Thanks for your comments on "My Evil Prom Date". Glad you mostly enjoyed it. I particularly enjoyed your idea about Captain Freedom ending up in jail instead of Derrick. Good idea. He IS the superhero, but he's a giant tool.
Not sure if you caught it, but Max's story about his cat was complete fiction. Just a story he told Ashley. In reality, he hated Freedom simply because he was a super villain. Maybe I'll clarify that in draft 2.
Thanks again, and best of luck to you in future projects!
Duncan -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/12/2009
Hi Jordan,
Thanks once again for taking the time to read and review this version of "Stunners". I remember a lot of your very helpful notes last time around as well as your valuable comments and suggestions. I can't thank you enough.
All the best,
Dave -
gapoz on 11/07/2009
Ho Jordan,
Thanks for the read of Maniacal. I appreciate the input. -
Hankster266 on 11/07/2009
Thank you for your read and review of lite Shakespeare. The reviews have been coming in 2 to 1 negative but the positive ones are very encouraging.
Thanks -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/06/2009
Thanks JAT. I guess I wanted Steve to win hands down in the
end without the past rearing it's ugly head. I felt he deserving since
he got screwed over by Swin and he went through the whole movie making ordeal. Now it's her turn to eat dirt and becomes a throw away. I suppose you can characterize her as the bad guy. Thanks again man.
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Comments About Jordan Anthony Thomas 20
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Quote
Ah, Frankenhooker! Mr. Henenlotter is a hero of mine. Brain Damage is a masterpiece. Thanks for the review!
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Quote
Thank you for reading and reviewing ‘Snoqualmie Falls.’ Have a good weekend.
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http://fan.tcm.com/service/displayKickPlace.kickAction?u=18344528&as=66470
+ more commentsgordonkris on 12/12/2009
RJWIII on 12/12/2009
RJ
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/30/2009