a screenplay
by justahappykid
A coming-of-age road dramedy about immature honeymooners drifting across Europe.
Bio
www.JohnnyCoffeen.com
Submissions by justahappykid
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a screenplay by justahappykidGenres: dramaA junkie and a religious woman, inextricably bound by tragedy, must overcome addictions to find new meaning.
Reviews by justahappykid 38
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A review of Taintedby justahappykid on 05/21/2013I saw in your notes that this is your very first screenplay and I plan on going through your script explaining my running thoughts – so you know what another screenwriter thinks when they read your script. I find, personally, the a very underrated thing to master is actually formatting and obviously trying to avoid grammar issues and typos for the very reason that you don’t... I saw in your notes that this is your very first screenplay and I plan on going through your script explaining my running thoughts – so you know what another screenwriter thinks when they read your script. I find, personally, the a very underrated thing to master is actually formatting and obviously trying to avoid grammar issues and typos for the very reason that you don’t want to disrupt the reader’s flow. If you do, you take the risk of causing the reader the lose interest (because they keep stopping to notice basic flaws) or they feel disrespected. Also, this is just something standard I’ve been told and like to add to my reviews for new writers (doesn’t mean it applies to you). Try to always keep everything present (erasing all ‘is’ and ‘are’ in your action/description). Get rid off as many words ending in “ly” possible. For example, "answers quietly" could be (whispers) and "runs quickly" (races). Also, avoid these words as much as possible: BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, AGAIN. Now, that’s a lot for me to say before even reading the script, but that’s just my bit of advice to you. Okay, and remember this is just my preference and it’s based on what I’ve noticed in nearly all other produced scripts out there – your scene headings are like this “EXT.LABORATORY.DAY” when they should be like this – “EXT. LABORATORY – DAY”. Also, on page 1, I mentioned earlier how you should avoid words like “is” – like for example, you have “Around the building is a grass area” when it can be something like “Grass surrounds the building” or even something more vivid then that, but the point is to get across as much information using as little amount of words possible so you don’t fatigue the reader and you also keep them interesting. Also, ditching words like “is” and “are” allows you to write in a more immediate, vivid way. I naturally think of sentence using “is” and “are” when I’m writing, but I notice them and then come up with something better immediately. Maybe instead of “text on the screen states” just put “SUPER:” in its place, which means text superimposition. Again, it gets across the same information by using less words – only one. You have labels/signs on page 1 – I say you just pick one of those words. You’ll probably keep hearing this from other reviewers, but don’t use words like “CLOSE UP” in your scripts. People will always say that’s the director’s job or the DP’s job to figure that out later – my thought is you should write in a way that conveys what you see –in this case, a close up, so maybe mention his wrinkles or something that makes the reader imagine a close up without saying it. I really like how you have the (in Chinese) parenthetical on page 1 – I do the same thing. Other writer’s sometimes write in Spanish and then translate in English later and I find that silly and a waste of space. On page 1, you have an extra space between “will be shipped” – I probably won’t go on to point out all of those typos, but as I mentioned earlier, please please please find all of those little problems and get rid of them because they are a distraction and keep the reader out of the story. See how much I’ve written so far and it’s just the first page. Please don’t feel bad – I had reviews just like this when I first started writing and now I’m to the point where people just review my story elements. It seemed petty at first to get reviews like this, but now I’m really thankful for them. How else was I to learn? This is my last note for page one – drop the (CONTINUED) from the bottom and top of the screenplay pages. They are unnecessary – and in the past, I think I checked and after removing them, I lost ten pages from my page count. Your script would knock down to 100 pages if you have CONTINUED at the top and bottom of every page right now and get rid of them. I personally think stories, if possible, should strive to be in the 90-100 page range because it shows that you can really focus and only show what’s important. Some writers think it’s a great idea to write 130+ pages to show off their skills, but it really just shows a lack of focus – at least in my opinion. I mean this about new writer’s, because obviously certain novels can’t justifiably be condensed down to 90-100 pages. Regarding page two, though it makes the page read faster, I’m not sure it’s a good idea to split all of the sentences into single lines. Some writers that write action scripts thinks it implies when the cut would happen in editing and in this case, it implies a fast editing scene for the chaos – but the “he punches numbers into the pad – It glows red” should be within the same shot naturally, if you choose to write all of this separate lines of action. I personally would suggest the paragraph look, but don’t exceed four lines per paragraph. Just separate each paragraph with a line in between. By the way, nice dialogue for a new writer -- you use contractions, which is something I didn’t do at first and it makes your dialogue flow better. On 8, you have “HE” instead of just “He.” By the way, from a story point of view, you have engaging and action-filled opening pages – which are always great for any screenplay, especially horror. On 11 and so on, don’t have (continued, voiceover) below the name – just put SAMUEL MATTHEWS (V.O.) every time – and don’t put the (V.O.) beneath the name, put it on the same line. Remember, always avoid anything redundant to unnecessary to keep the story flowing. Also, in case you don’t know this, every screenplay page equates to a minute of on-screen time. It’s just something to keep in mind – like, for example, the initial outbreak takes up something like 10% of the story – or the voiceover pages I just mentioned take up two minutes of screen time. Now, you introduce the main character 13 minutes into the film – which isn’t that crazy – some films I’ve seen waited until the middle of the film (I think Fargo did that), but what I’m saying is, I feel like the set-up of story like this can happen in five minutes or less. Regarding page 13, always try your best to avoid dialogue like – hi, how are you, okay and how are you, good, that’s good” and cut straight to the meat of the scene. Though it might seem unnatural to us, the audience only cares about the story and they kind of stuff just feels unnatural in the context of a film. Also, on 15, I just noticed something – only write it as MATTHEWS in all caps the first time we see him and never again. The reason you do this is to signify this is an important character that will be a significant part of the film – after that, it becomes a distraction to see MATTHEWS in all caps 10 or so times in a row on the left side of the page of 15. Again on 16, you have Hi, hi you okay, I’m good, are you okay – and so on, which is a problem. Regarding 18, instead of (pause), just put an ellipsis there or break away by having something visual happen. On 21, you have “Uniform Tango 2” – though this seems fine, there should never be numbers in dialogue – it should always be words for the reason that if you write something like “$15,000,253”, this might confuse the actor and disrupt the flow of the reader, when you can write exactly what that would sound like in words. By the way, I’m sorry if what I’m saying lame or useless, but I felt the same way at first and over time, I see the benefit of these “formatting rules” – I still have a problem with “story rules” like characters needs “goals” and so on – when I love so many films, like The Breakfast Club, for example, where the characters don’t have goals and the film still works. Sorry to get sidetracked, but hopefully some of that makes sense to you. Also, I mentioned how you shouldn’t have numbers in dialogue, you shouldn’t do the following either – on 28, you have “mr.” in the dialogue, when it should actually be “mister” – don’t put anything in all caps in dialogue either. On 30, you have “I am merely--“ and then below it, you have (interrupting) which is redundant because the “—“ implies he’s being interrupted. On 35, you have “MACON looks back at DAVIS” and then the dialogue starts below it – instead you should have GUIE MACON (Cont.) on the same line and the dialogue below it. Up to point, you’ve down a good job by restricting your action/description lines to four lines or below, except where you have five lines on page 39. Now I’m halfway through the script and I have nothing else to point out – because there’s just the reoccurring problems I already pointed out above. I mean, but cutting out the CONTINUEDs and the single line only descriptions/making them a single paragraph, I bet this could be a 90-page script off the bat. I must mention though, this is a very visual script, what I applaud. My first scripts were heavy on the dialogue and being a visual storyteller is a great skill to have. There’s a huge space at the bottom of 75 that shouldn’t be there – pull the material from 76 up to the bottom of 75. Same goes for the bottom of 95. Well, the rest of the script also contains what I find to be problematic and distracting. I really suggest you think clearly about your formatting and after doing what I’ve suggested, you might be under the 90 page mark – so at that point, you’re now allowed to add new scenes or develop some of the scenes you felt could be fleshed out, no pun intended, which in the end will strengthen your story. I hope that helps. Congrats on finishing your first script, by the way. It’s a huge accomplishment! read -
A review of Murderer's Creek (REWRITE)by justahappykid on 05/21/2013Wow, what a script! The dialogue is just fantastic – perfect for the period and feels so effortless, which is a great thing. By the way, I love the concept. It has a great goal for the protagonist reminiscent of John Ford’s The Searchers, but it makes it different and interesting because he’s with his daughter. The script has beautiful yet tight description throughout as... Wow, what a script! The dialogue is just fantastic – perfect for the period and feels so effortless, which is a great thing. By the way, I love the concept. It has a great goal for the protagonist reminiscent of John Ford’s The Searchers, but it makes it different and interesting because he’s with his daughter. The script has beautiful yet tight description throughout as well. Here’s what I thought throughout:
You got to the inciting incident early, which felt natural and organic. I also applaud you for a very visual script – a very important skill to have in screenwriting is the ability to tell a story visually and you’ve got that without a doubt. You also covered the first act break fantastically. Nice set piece with Annie and the whiskey on 33. I’m still in awe with how good your dialogue is and every character has their own voice, which is obviously a must. You definitely have a talented ear. I’m halfway through the script and it’s hard to find anything to criticize – This must be at least the third draft to be this tight? Annie is such a great character, by the way -- so engaging, gripping. And pages 75 and 76 are so well written. Fantastic. And wow, 90-92, I don’t know that last time I’ve read a script, if ever, that has three pages in a row with basically only visual stuff going on, which is a feat for sure. And I didn’t see that twist coming, which is always a good thing. This is a bit nitpicky, but you use the word “bolts” too many times in a short amount of time on 115, which is just a sort of writing pet peeve of mine – just putting it out there. The final pages are very powerful and I applaud you for that!
In the end, I don’t have much negative feedback to offer. If anything, I would have handled things differently technically – like leave an entire space for parenthetical directions, rather than putting them next to other lines of dialogue and other things along these lines, but in the end, does it really matter? If it doesn’t disrupt the “flow” – keyword – then it’s not a problem, and this script really flowed well. Actually, possibly the capitalization of words that aren’t just new character names slow it down a little bit, but not much – it’s just a different type of style (putting scene headings in bold). I’m not sure if “action” scripts are supposed to be like that or what, but I’m sure you have your reasons. It’s really rare when I find a script that I have barely anything but praise to shell out. I hope you’ve submitted this to some contests and possible the Nicholl or Sundance programs. This is a very promising script and I hope other reviewers and your friends are able to offer you some suggestions to bring this script to the next level, but unfortunately, your writing skill has surpassed mine and I have little to offer. Great job and good luck! read -
A review of Horoscopes (r)by justahappykid on 05/14/2013Horoscopes: Running Thoughts: Wow, this script is really well written! I’m totally imagining what’s happening, which unfortunately, is a rare find for an unproduced script. The first thing that jumped out to me – and this is minor and how I would handle it – on page 6, I’d drop the second “and…” or even both ellipses to make it one sentence because it feels unnecessarily... Horoscopes:
Running Thoughts: Wow, this script is really well written! I’m totally imagining what’s happening, which unfortunately, is a rare find for an unproduced script. The first thing that jumped out to me – and this is minor and how I would handle it – on page 6, I’d drop the second “and…” or even both ellipses to make it one sentence because it feels unnecessarily dragged out and it could be more of a punch if he had that line ready to say to her. Oh, and on 8, I’m not sure what “dry tears” are. If it’s a really an expression, I’d consider altering it just so it’s not another distraction. I’m not sure the “true” is necessary on 9. So far, I can tell the script is going to be like Magnolia – which is one of my favorite films. I really like character-based scripts like this because it allows for so many stories and (hopefully) keeps the audience engaged throughout – and your concept is a clever device to do so. Well, I’m halfway through the script and I don’t have any notes, which is a good thing (and hopefully not a bad thing… if anything, I do admit my biggest weakness in reading/writing scripts is actually the story side of things – so far, everything seems good, especially because there are so many stories, it all kind of depends on how it ends, at least I think – but good job being technically impeccable). Also, great way to handle the Cuban dialogue, very believable. I’m on page 65 and I could be wrong about this, but shouldn’t you only put character names in all caps if they have speaking lines? All of those caps disrupt the flow of the page. On 75, it should be spelled “Cojones”. You need to capitalize John at the top of 85. Okay, I finished the script and I would’ve loved for a very interesting third act involving all of the characters or something out of the blue. I see what you’re going for what this film and the ending, but I guess I’m a victim of wanting it to be like other films, which sounds lame – but it’s how I felt. I really like your style and how well everything is written and I think if you were to “wow them in the end” (…I feel lame for saying that) – then that is what would make this script work. I hope some of what I had to say helped and I’m looking forward to your thoughts on my script Honey Moon ;) read
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Submissions by justahappykid
-
a screenplay by justahappykid
A coming-of-age road dramedy about immature honeymooners drifting across Europe.
-
a screenplay by justahappykidGenres: drama
A junkie and a religious woman, inextricably bound by tragedy, must overcome addictions to find new meaning.
Reviews by justahappykid 38
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A review of Taintedby justahappykid on 05/21/2013I saw in your notes that this is your very first screenplay and I plan on going through your script explaining my running thoughts – so you know what another screenwriter thinks when they read your script. I find, personally, the a very underrated thing to master is actually formatting and obviously trying to avoid grammar issues and typos for the very reason that you don’t... I saw in your notes that this is your very first screenplay and I plan on going through your script explaining my running thoughts – so you know what another screenwriter thinks when they read your script. I find, personally, the a very underrated thing to master is actually formatting and obviously trying to avoid grammar issues and typos for the very reason that you don’t want to disrupt the reader’s flow. If you do, you take the risk of causing the reader the lose interest (because they keep stopping to notice basic flaws) or they feel disrespected. Also, this is just something standard I’ve been told and like to add to my reviews for new writers (doesn’t mean it applies to you). Try to always keep everything present (erasing all ‘is’ and ‘are’ in your action/description). Get rid off as many words ending in “ly” possible. For example, "answers quietly" could be (whispers) and "runs quickly" (races). Also, avoid these words as much as possible: BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, AGAIN. Now, that’s a lot for me to say before even reading the script, but that’s just my bit of advice to you. Okay, and remember this is just my preference and it’s based on what I’ve noticed in nearly all other produced scripts out there – your scene headings are like this “EXT.LABORATORY.DAY” when they should be like this – “EXT. LABORATORY – DAY”. Also, on page 1, I mentioned earlier how you should avoid words like “is” – like for example, you have “Around the building is a grass area” when it can be something like “Grass surrounds the building” or even something more vivid then that, but the point is to get across as much information using as little amount of words possible so you don’t fatigue the reader and you also keep them interesting. Also, ditching words like “is” and “are” allows you to write in a more immediate, vivid way. I naturally think of sentence using “is” and “are” when I’m writing, but I notice them and then come up with something better immediately. Maybe instead of “text on the screen states” just put “SUPER:” in its place, which means text superimposition. Again, it gets across the same information by using less words – only one. You have labels/signs on page 1 – I say you just pick one of those words. You’ll probably keep hearing this from other reviewers, but don’t use words like “CLOSE UP” in your scripts. People will always say that’s the director’s job or the DP’s job to figure that out later – my thought is you should write in a way that conveys what you see –in this case, a close up, so maybe mention his wrinkles or something that makes the reader imagine a close up without saying it. I really like how you have the (in Chinese) parenthetical on page 1 – I do the same thing. Other writer’s sometimes write in Spanish and then translate in English later and I find that silly and a waste of space. On page 1, you have an extra space between “will be shipped” – I probably won’t go on to point out all of those typos, but as I mentioned earlier, please please please find all of those little problems and get rid of them because they are a distraction and keep the reader out of the story. See how much I’ve written so far and it’s just the first page. Please don’t feel bad – I had reviews just like this when I first started writing and now I’m to the point where people just review my story elements. It seemed petty at first to get reviews like this, but now I’m really thankful for them. How else was I to learn? This is my last note for page one – drop the (CONTINUED) from the bottom and top of the screenplay pages. They are unnecessary – and in the past, I think I checked and after removing them, I lost ten pages from my page count. Your script would knock down to 100 pages if you have CONTINUED at the top and bottom of every page right now and get rid of them. I personally think stories, if possible, should strive to be in the 90-100 page range because it shows that you can really focus and only show what’s important. Some writers think it’s a great idea to write 130+ pages to show off their skills, but it really just shows a lack of focus – at least in my opinion. I mean this about new writer’s, because obviously certain novels can’t justifiably be condensed down to 90-100 pages. Regarding page two, though it makes the page read faster, I’m not sure it’s a good idea to split all of the sentences into single lines. Some writers that write action scripts thinks it implies when the cut would happen in editing and in this case, it implies a fast editing scene for the chaos – but the “he punches numbers into the pad – It glows red” should be within the same shot naturally, if you choose to write all of this separate lines of action. I personally would suggest the paragraph look, but don’t exceed four lines per paragraph. Just separate each paragraph with a line in between. By the way, nice dialogue for a new writer -- you use contractions, which is something I didn’t do at first and it makes your dialogue flow better. On 8, you have “HE” instead of just “He.” By the way, from a story point of view, you have engaging and action-filled opening pages – which are always great for any screenplay, especially horror. On 11 and so on, don’t have (continued, voiceover) below the name – just put SAMUEL MATTHEWS (V.O.) every time – and don’t put the (V.O.) beneath the name, put it on the same line. Remember, always avoid anything redundant to unnecessary to keep the story flowing. Also, in case you don’t know this, every screenplay page equates to a minute of on-screen time. It’s just something to keep in mind – like, for example, the initial outbreak takes up something like 10% of the story – or the voiceover pages I just mentioned take up two minutes of screen time. Now, you introduce the main character 13 minutes into the film – which isn’t that crazy – some films I’ve seen waited until the middle of the film (I think Fargo did that), but what I’m saying is, I feel like the set-up of story like this can happen in five minutes or less. Regarding page 13, always try your best to avoid dialogue like – hi, how are you, okay and how are you, good, that’s good” and cut straight to the meat of the scene. Though it might seem unnatural to us, the audience only cares about the story and they kind of stuff just feels unnatural in the context of a film. Also, on 15, I just noticed something – only write it as MATTHEWS in all caps the first time we see him and never again. The reason you do this is to signify this is an important character that will be a significant part of the film – after that, it becomes a distraction to see MATTHEWS in all caps 10 or so times in a row on the left side of the page of 15. Again on 16, you have Hi, hi you okay, I’m good, are you okay – and so on, which is a problem. Regarding 18, instead of (pause), just put an ellipsis there or break away by having something visual happen. On 21, you have “Uniform Tango 2” – though this seems fine, there should never be numbers in dialogue – it should always be words for the reason that if you write something like “$15,000,253”, this might confuse the actor and disrupt the flow of the reader, when you can write exactly what that would sound like in words. By the way, I’m sorry if what I’m saying lame or useless, but I felt the same way at first and over time, I see the benefit of these “formatting rules” – I still have a problem with “story rules” like characters needs “goals” and so on – when I love so many films, like The Breakfast Club, for example, where the characters don’t have goals and the film still works. Sorry to get sidetracked, but hopefully some of that makes sense to you. Also, I mentioned how you shouldn’t have numbers in dialogue, you shouldn’t do the following either – on 28, you have “mr.” in the dialogue, when it should actually be “mister” – don’t put anything in all caps in dialogue either. On 30, you have “I am merely--“ and then below it, you have (interrupting) which is redundant because the “—“ implies he’s being interrupted. On 35, you have “MACON looks back at DAVIS” and then the dialogue starts below it – instead you should have GUIE MACON (Cont.) on the same line and the dialogue below it. Up to point, you’ve down a good job by restricting your action/description lines to four lines or below, except where you have five lines on page 39. Now I’m halfway through the script and I have nothing else to point out – because there’s just the reoccurring problems I already pointed out above. I mean, but cutting out the CONTINUEDs and the single line only descriptions/making them a single paragraph, I bet this could be a 90-page script off the bat. I must mention though, this is a very visual script, what I applaud. My first scripts were heavy on the dialogue and being a visual storyteller is a great skill to have. There’s a huge space at the bottom of 75 that shouldn’t be there – pull the material from 76 up to the bottom of 75. Same goes for the bottom of 95. Well, the rest of the script also contains what I find to be problematic and distracting. I really suggest you think clearly about your formatting and after doing what I’ve suggested, you might be under the 90 page mark – so at that point, you’re now allowed to add new scenes or develop some of the scenes you felt could be fleshed out, no pun intended, which in the end will strengthen your story. I hope that helps. Congrats on finishing your first script, by the way. It’s a huge accomplishment! read
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A review of Murderer's Creek (REWRITE)by justahappykid on 05/21/2013Wow, what a script! The dialogue is just fantastic – perfect for the period and feels so effortless, which is a great thing. By the way, I love the concept. It has a great goal for the protagonist reminiscent of John Ford’s The Searchers, but it makes it different and interesting because he’s with his daughter. The script has beautiful yet tight description throughout as... Wow, what a script! The dialogue is just fantastic – perfect for the period and feels so effortless, which is a great thing. By the way, I love the concept. It has a great goal for the protagonist reminiscent of John Ford’s The Searchers, but it makes it different and interesting because he’s with his daughter. The script has beautiful yet tight description throughout as well. Here’s what I thought throughout:
You got to the inciting incident early, which felt natural and organic. I also applaud you for a very visual script – a very important skill to have in screenwriting is the ability to tell a story visually and you’ve got that without a doubt. You also covered the first act break fantastically. Nice set piece with Annie and the whiskey on 33. I’m still in awe with how good your dialogue is and every character has their own voice, which is obviously a must. You definitely have a talented ear. I’m halfway through the script and it’s hard to find anything to criticize – This must be at least the third draft to be this tight? Annie is such a great character, by the way -- so engaging, gripping. And pages 75 and 76 are so well written. Fantastic. And wow, 90-92, I don’t know that last time I’ve read a script, if ever, that has three pages in a row with basically only visual stuff going on, which is a feat for sure. And I didn’t see that twist coming, which is always a good thing. This is a bit nitpicky, but you use the word “bolts” too many times in a short amount of time on 115, which is just a sort of writing pet peeve of mine – just putting it out there. The final pages are very powerful and I applaud you for that!
In the end, I don’t have much negative feedback to offer. If anything, I would have handled things differently technically – like leave an entire space for parenthetical directions, rather than putting them next to other lines of dialogue and other things along these lines, but in the end, does it really matter? If it doesn’t disrupt the “flow” – keyword – then it’s not a problem, and this script really flowed well. Actually, possibly the capitalization of words that aren’t just new character names slow it down a little bit, but not much – it’s just a different type of style (putting scene headings in bold). I’m not sure if “action” scripts are supposed to be like that or what, but I’m sure you have your reasons. It’s really rare when I find a script that I have barely anything but praise to shell out. I hope you’ve submitted this to some contests and possible the Nicholl or Sundance programs. This is a very promising script and I hope other reviewers and your friends are able to offer you some suggestions to bring this script to the next level, but unfortunately, your writing skill has surpassed mine and I have little to offer. Great job and good luck! read -
A review of Horoscopes (r)by justahappykid on 05/14/2013Horoscopes: Running Thoughts: Wow, this script is really well written! I’m totally imagining what’s happening, which unfortunately, is a rare find for an unproduced script. The first thing that jumped out to me – and this is minor and how I would handle it – on page 6, I’d drop the second “and…” or even both ellipses to make it one sentence because it feels unnecessarily... Horoscopes:
Running Thoughts: Wow, this script is really well written! I’m totally imagining what’s happening, which unfortunately, is a rare find for an unproduced script. The first thing that jumped out to me – and this is minor and how I would handle it – on page 6, I’d drop the second “and…” or even both ellipses to make it one sentence because it feels unnecessarily dragged out and it could be more of a punch if he had that line ready to say to her. Oh, and on 8, I’m not sure what “dry tears” are. If it’s a really an expression, I’d consider altering it just so it’s not another distraction. I’m not sure the “true” is necessary on 9. So far, I can tell the script is going to be like Magnolia – which is one of my favorite films. I really like character-based scripts like this because it allows for so many stories and (hopefully) keeps the audience engaged throughout – and your concept is a clever device to do so. Well, I’m halfway through the script and I don’t have any notes, which is a good thing (and hopefully not a bad thing… if anything, I do admit my biggest weakness in reading/writing scripts is actually the story side of things – so far, everything seems good, especially because there are so many stories, it all kind of depends on how it ends, at least I think – but good job being technically impeccable). Also, great way to handle the Cuban dialogue, very believable. I’m on page 65 and I could be wrong about this, but shouldn’t you only put character names in all caps if they have speaking lines? All of those caps disrupt the flow of the page. On 75, it should be spelled “Cojones”. You need to capitalize John at the top of 85. Okay, I finished the script and I would’ve loved for a very interesting third act involving all of the characters or something out of the blue. I see what you’re going for what this film and the ending, but I guess I’m a victim of wanting it to be like other films, which sounds lame – but it’s how I felt. I really like your style and how well everything is written and I think if you were to “wow them in the end” (…I feel lame for saying that) – then that is what would make this script work. I hope some of what I had to say helped and I’m looking forward to your thoughts on my script Honey Moon ;) read -
A review of And They Say Life Sucks (v.6)by justahappykid on 05/14/2013Running Thoughts: The first bit of dialogue is great! What a way to get the reader interesting in what’s happened. Cool title too, by the way. On 3, “gunna” should be spelled “gonna.” -- On page 10, I feel like this whole dialogue bit feels awkward/unnatural, “I dunno. Things have gotten so bad (((with us))). All we do is fight (((anymore. We used to be happy. I’ve got... Running Thoughts: The first bit of dialogue is great! What a way to get the reader interesting in what’s happened. Cool title too, by the way. On 3, “gunna” should be spelled “gonna.” -- On page 10, I feel like this whole dialogue bit feels awkward/unnatural, “I dunno. Things have gotten so bad (((with us))). All we do is fight (((anymore. We used to be happy. I’ve got proof.))) – I’d say drop everything that’s covered (((like this))). Also, “Gunna” reappears on page 10 – I’ll stop mentioning it. Nice occurrence of the inciting incident on page 12 – very early, which is good – Well-written too. Wow, you’re brave to have God as a character and to handle really serious stuff like the meaning of life in a comical way – kudos. I have to say though – the dying and going back to earth on a mission has been used so many times in film and television. By the way, when the inciting incident occurs, it’s a breath of fresh air because I know you wanted to get out exposition in the first twelve pages, but I frankly wasn’t interested in what I was reading – so now it feels like the story is really taking place. I guess what I’m trying to say is to make your first twelve pages more engaging. Perhaps pull a North by Northwest and make it seem like Harvey has a goal or has plans until he gets killed out of nowhere – maybe give the impression of a goal, though you won’t even pay it off… or maybe you could. Also, I saw Bruce Almighty when it came out and not again, but was God doing janitorial duties in that film too? If so, I’d obviously replace that with another comical activity for him to partake in. Haha on page 18 – people don’t really causes scenes in Heaven. It’s obviously funny and ironic he keeps using the words “hell”. Clever use of ballet! By the way, you have a lot of interesting ideas of what Heaven is – including how it’s the greatest hits, which is great. Wow, brae use of Hitler, I’ve gotta say – having him ballet dance! Regarding page 23, when Harvey turns into Alicia, I’d considering what, if I’m remember it correctly, what the Being John Malkovich script did, which is have Alicia/Harvey’s name be Harvey (As Alicia). Also, by the way, having him turn into a girl reminds me of that movie The Hot Chick. I like how Harvey’s already been died for six months this early on – kind of like Beetlejuice with time flying quickly. I’m on page 60 now and I haven’t noticed any flaws – though I’ve realized something. The script is “flowing” so well now, which means it feels light and breezes along, while the first 12 or so pages felt slow and didn’t flow -- just something to consider. I love what’s going on on page 67! Nice second act break! “So you’re considering Hell” – nice! Cool ending too. I know this is the sixth version and I can’t fully articulate what this script needs to bring it to the next level, but I’ve gotta say, you’ve got a lot of clever ideas in here -- philosophical in a fun/funny way. Thanks for a great read! read
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A review of WISHby justahappykid on 05/13/2013Running Thoughts: Your dialogue for Johnny/Victoria is great! Very believable coming from kids that age – which I think is rare to find in a script. By the way, your premise sounds very interesting and I could see it working well for the family audience. As you may know, it’s a premise that brings to mind films like Stand By Me and The Goonies, but with more a magical touch... Running Thoughts:
Your dialogue for Johnny/Victoria is great! Very believable coming from kids that age – which I think is rare to find in a script. By the way, your premise sounds very interesting and I could see it working well for the family audience. As you may know, it’s a premise that brings to mind films like Stand By Me and The Goonies, but with more a magical touch. Engaging opening pages, by the way. Nice introduction of leprechaun on page 14 – very in the script, which is nice. By the way, your dialogue and description is impeccable, which, unfortunately, is really rare on this sight. I really appreciate that kind of attention to detail because it allows the reader to focus on the story, which is the thing that really matters. Very clever way to summon rain, good job! I’m halfway through the script and though it’s technically flawless, I’ve sort of lost interest in the story – for what that’s worth. I’m really new to screenwriting and I admit that story elements are the hardest for me to distinguish – like people could say raise the stakes and so forth, but unfortunately, I haven’t done enough reviewing to articulate why something works and doesn’t work. It might be as simple as I’m not in the target audience, since I never watch family films. Just a side note -- I don’t know if you saw Oz: The Great and The Powerful, but on page 77, it would be great if the actor Tony Cox played the part. Great setup earlier for the wish Johnny makes about his parents. Great baseball set-up and payoff ending! Overall, I can see how this can one day work and possibly be made, but I guess I just wasn’t engaged enough and unfortunately, I can’t figure out why. But, I’m only one reader that wasn’t fully into it and if others start to feel the same way, I would look closer at the structure or events to see if you could pump up the conflict and maybe a larger sense of it being something these kids intensely want and make it a huge struggle for them. Screenplay technically great, though! read -
A review of 4/20: The Legend of Mayan Midnightby justahappykid on 05/12/2013Running Thoughts: Congrats on a very engaging and visual opening page. Nice natural and compressed dialogue. Nice intro and shift to Brian’s story -- he shares Hitler’s birthday ;) On page 9, I don’t think where it says “Bri” is a type-o, but I think it should say “gotta” after it. Sorry to be nitpicky, but the N in “No” on page 11 shouldn’t be capitalized, unless you... Running Thoughts:
Congrats on a very engaging and visual opening page. Nice natural and compressed dialogue. Nice intro and shift to Brian’s story -- he shares Hitler’s birthday ;)
On page 9, I don’t think where it says “Bri” is a type-o, but I think it should say “gotta” after it. Sorry to be nitpicky, but the N in “No” on page 11 shouldn’t be capitalized, unless you can the comma before it to a period (same goes for “Somebody” on page 12). It should be spelled “uncle’s place” on page 13. Now I know at the bottom of page 13 what the title of the film Mayan Midnight stands for – which instantly makes me think about Pineapple Express, which I’m sure you’re aware of. The top of 15 should have (V.O.) next to TOUGH FEMALE VOICE (this is more of a joke and a curiosity: These type-o’s (just joking) lead me to believe you wrote this script whilst smoking some Mayan Midnight – is that so?)
I’m not sure you meant to have the word “crab” at the top of page 20. I don’t think “Girls” needs to be capitalized on page 23.
Nice ticking clock device on the top of 25.
On 26, there’s an extra space between “this Brian Grant”.
On 27, there’s no White Castle in California – possibly change it to In-N-Out Burger.
So far, this script reminds me of a hybrid between Pineapple Express and The Goonies – which is funny.
By the way, I think your script’s underrated rating-wise – based on what I’ve read so far.
Haha on 33, Deport the Darkies!
On 37, I don’t think numbers like “911” should be in dialogue, it should be the words instead.
Curves for Women in 46, nice!
Drop the period on 59 where it says, “funnel cake.?”
I obviously suggest you like really carefully for type-os – it’s the easiest thing to fix and it’s a huge problem because it disrupts the flow of the story.
I love the Jaws reference on 64, haha!
Top of 64 has an extra space between “be this easy”.
This is a random thought, but I hope this all doesn’t end up being a vivid dream or something.
Hey, Hitler’s birthday reference on page 70.
72, Kidnapping shouldn’t be capitalized.
There’s an unnecessary space starting the dialogue line “So what’s the plan” on 78.
On 82, extra space between “will be given”.
Near the bottom of 107, make sure the W in “We’re going to prison” is not capitalized.
Super awkward blank pages end your script. read -
A review of Lucidityby justahappykid on 12/28/2011First off, I’ve gotta say that this is a great concept. I actually got a similar concept for a film recently (so that must be steaming from the Collective Unconscious), but I never developed it. Normally when I write review, I write my running thoughts so the writer’s knows what a reader feels thinks when they read your script. Off the bat, you have POV and Close-Up and you... First off, I’ve gotta say that this is a great concept. I actually got a similar concept for a film recently (so that must be steaming from the Collective Unconscious), but I never developed it. Normally when I write review, I write my running thoughts so the writer’s knows what a reader feels thinks when they read your script. Off the bat, you have POV and Close-Up and you use the word “We”. Those kind of technical notes should not be in a spec script. Don’t ever have “we” in description lines. It takes the reader out of the story. What does “we” even mean anyway, when only one person in the audience is watching your film, there is no we. Also, you start with Frank’s POV, but then we “cut” to him and the reader has no idea what age he is or what he looks like. The only sign is that he’s in high school. Also, here’s some info that I think should help that I end up giving almost everybody: Keep your writing in the present tense. Here’s a made up example of keeping things in the present tense: “he is driving a blue car...” should be “he drives a blue car.” Make sure to keep your screenwriting in present tense, meaning eliminating words like “is” and “are” as much as possible. Also, symbols or numbers shouldn’t be in dialogue -- turn it into what it would sound like for an actor were to say it (for example Ms. -- becomes Misses) the way it would sound if an actor spoke it. Like $1,000 would be One-thousand-dollars and so on. Mr. would be Mister. Also, avoid words that end in “ly.” For example, "answers quietly" could be (whispers) and "runs quickly" (races). Also, avoid using these words to make it flow better: BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, AGAIN, FINALLY – Does that make sense? Most of the time those words don’t need to be there and are just taking up space. – I just saw that the first page of your script has the number (2.) on it. Two things: The first page shouldn’t have a number at all. Then, the second page is where the number (2.) should be. On 3, do you mean Frank shoots up heroin? Also, I would suggest that the only information you put in all caps is when you first introduce a character and not on words like, “give a healthy SIGH.” Go structure choice of having the dream catcher introduced so soon. Also, I like your dialogue. I think a good sign of dialogue is when the reader imagines good acting. It should be spelled “dammit” on 12. Also, again, don’t have technical stuff like Close-Up in your spec screenplay. What you need to do is write in a vivid way so the reader imagines a close-up. When Frank talks to himself throughout, it feels strange. I would say either cut it or think of a new way of getting that information in there (like as a thought/VO). This kind reminds me of Little Nemo (not finding nemo). 23-basically 25 is too much just Talking Heads. Also, having the choice to wake up reminds me of The Matrix. So far,, great structure. Also, the idea of being transported to medieval times reminds me Army of Darkness. I’m on 53 and it’s been reading smoothly for a while (content and format wise). I’m now on 63 and let me note that all of the info above still apllies across the board, but I thought it would be silly for me to keep repeating myself (slow-motion, etc.). Talking heads on 71 and on 100. In the end, a great concept delivered with a pretty good story and great dialogue. I hope my technical notes make for a cleaner second draft. Good luck and keep writing! read
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A review of JESUS LOVES LAZARUSby justahappykid on 12/28/2011First off, you acted in Blue Valentine? I saw in your bio that I should check out you IMDb. That’s awesome because it’s a really, really good film! Now that’s said, this is a really good screenplay. It has a very professional vibe to the way it flows along. It’s a quick read, not to mention on 90 pages. I personally really like that length. The next information I’m about to... First off, you acted in Blue Valentine? I saw in your bio that I should check out you IMDb. That’s awesome because it’s a really, really good film! Now that’s said, this is a really good screenplay. It has a very professional vibe to the way it flows along. It’s a quick read, not to mention on 90 pages. I personally really like that length. The next information I’m about to say I normally add to most of my reviews, so you can take or leave whatever you think makes sense - Here’s a made up example of keeping things in the present tense: “he is driving a blue car...” should be “he drives a blue car.” Make sure to keep your screenwriting in present tense, meaning eliminating words like “is” and “are” as much as possible. Also, symbols or numbers shouldn’t be in dialogue -- turn it into what it would sound like for an actor were to say it (for example Ms. -- becomes Misses) the way it would sound if an actor spoke it. Like $1,000 would be One-thousand-dollars and so on. Mr. would be Mister. Also, avoid words that end in “ly.” For example, "answers quietly" could be (whispers) and "runs quickly" (races). Also, avoid using these words to make it flow better: BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, AGAIN, FINALLY – But seeing how you’ve worked in the industry, I would appreciate it if you let me know if the information above sounds wrong to you. Moving on, something I noticed as feeling strange was how format was a little strange, because it feel like it was squeezed more to the left side. Does that make sense? Also, as a tiny note, I’m pretty sure the first page is never numbered. On 2, it looks like there’s three spaces between, “He’s fine. He’ll be up soon!” Also, I see that in your descriptions, you start new short or something (something like – A twin picks up a piece of fruit. NEXT LINE BELOW: He reaches for another piece). I either suggest you put those sentences next to each other rather than having one below the other, or you double space – have a line between both sentences. At the bottom of 3, INT. HOUSE should state what time of day it is. ON 13, “The disciples agree loudly” should be one line lower to give space between the dialogue above it. Also, Slow Motion is a technical note that probably shouldn’t be in a spec screenplay. Funny dialogue by the way. It kind of reminds me of The Life of Brian. The third Jesus dialogue part is formatted awkwardly on 22. I suggest you get Final Draft to format your scripts for you. Same issues at the top of 25. It should be “Darn it” at the top of 29. By the way, I hope you don’t mind me focusing on the technical side of your screenplay in my review. You have great dialogue and you’re obvious utilizing a great story, so I think a technically well-done screenplay should help the impact. Haha, “stop busting my balls.” The number 30 at the top right corner of page 30 should have a period after it. Keep an eye out for that kind of thing on every page. Also, look closer at the spaces between the dialogue parts from Little Timothy on Jesus toward the bottom of page 30. On 35, have a space between the space heading at the very top and where it says “Little Timothy makes…etc.” on 37, there’s an extra space before the end period on the sentence “trade places with him I would .” On 39, an extra space between “tempt” and “me” at the top of 39. Also, there’s an extra space on Martha’s dialogue below before it says, “where would you.” Talking Heads problem on 41. “Keep it real, Judas”, haha! Move the scene heading at the bottom of 47, to the top of 48. Funny use of “hell” on 67. “I’m not a bastard”, nice. At the bottom of 76 has the number 77 and that should be at the top of the next page. You really should get a copy of Final Draft to do the formatting for you. I’m not sure the block party dancing is a good way to end this really good script. I probably didn’t catch every type-o or error, but I think my suggestions above will make the script even better. I’d be interesting in seeing what you have to say about my screenplay called Medium. It’s more on the “artsy” side of the spectrum. Well, once again great job and I wish you luck with your career! Keep Writing! read
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A review of Flippedby justahappykid on 12/15/2011Off the bat, the first issue I had with this screenplay (before I even downloaded it) was the concept. There have been so many movies made about role reversals. I as an audience member would never want to see something that sounds like Freaky Friday or the 80s version with Fred Savage and so on. Now that’s out of the way, I’ll start reading. Already on page 1, I’m getting the... Off the bat, the first issue I had with this screenplay (before I even downloaded it) was the concept. There have been so many movies made about role reversals. I as an audience member would never want to see something that sounds like Freaky Friday or the 80s version with Fred Savage and so on. Now that’s out of the way, I’ll start reading. Already on page 1, I’m getting the sense of a John Hughes type movie. I know high school has different cliques, but the concept and first page (potheads, athletes, brainiacs, popular crowd, etc. sounds like The Breakfast Club.) Also, I just noticed, this screenplay doesn’t have a title page (And I suggest you add one. You can look at other screenplays on TriggerStreet to see what information is one there and the format). In a spec script, there is no need to have “continueds” at the top and bottom of each page. Having those alone adds about 10 page to your script, so it looks like you don’t have much to say, so you added those to increase the page count. Also, the first page or so of dialogue felt awkward to me. You have a playful writing style (Joe runs off, but not before giving her one more passionate goodbye kiss). My issue with it is this isn’t a book. A screenplay should contain as little words possible and the sentence I mentioned can be cut down to six to seven words. On 3, it should be “dr.” but “doctor.” Symbols or numbers shouldn’t be in dialogue -- turn it into what it would sound like for an actor were to say it (for example Ms. -- becomes Misses) the way it would sound if an actor spoke it. Like $1,000 would be One-thousand-dollars and so on. Mr. would be Mister. Also, avoid words that end in “ly.” For example, "answers quietly" could be (whispers) and "runs quickly" (races). Also, avoid using these words to make it flow better: BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, AGAIN, FINALLY. Try to keep your screenwriting in present tense, meaning eliminating words like “is” and “are” as much as possible. On 7, “cuz” should be “cause.” Also on 7, the parenthetical (looking at papers, etc) shouldn’t be three lines long. One line is more suitable and it if it’s more, make it a separate action/description line. On 8, you have “Genuinely” capitalized in the parenthetical, but below it, the first word in the other parentheticals below it are not capitalized. I suggest you pick if you’re going to capitalize the first word of the parentheticals throughout or not and stick to it. On 10, figure out a better word than “beat.” I know what beat means, but me more creative with the pause for emphasis with a more interesting word or gesture. I’m on 13 and I don’t feel like your dialogue packs enough punch. Maybe it’s too full of exposition or there’s not enough actual conflict or interesting stuff going on to allow the dialogue to feel right. On 14, I’m never found of when scripts have “anything #1, #2, #3, #4) as a character name. Rethink how to convey that information. Also on 14, the last word on the page should be spelled “dialing.” Also, possibly by page 15, the main event of the screenplay should start happening (role reversal). On 19, don’t ever have “we” in description lines. It takes the reader out of the story. What does “we” even mean anyway, when only one person in the audience is watching your film, there is no we. Also on 19, “What?!” would get the message across. By the way, what I wrote before this example applies to other examples throughout the script (There’s no need for me to repeat myself. Every note I make is something to keep in mind to when the same issue pops up again throughout the script). So I’m assuming your second act starts when they go to the dance? Where was the inciting incident? Okay, so by knowing the premise, the inciting incident is page 28 and the first act ends on 31. I say this because they seem to come too late. The inciting incident should come somewhere from pages 10-15 and the first act should end probably by page 25 (especially for this short length of script). I’m not one to follow the “rules: verbatim, but this kind of concept was what those “structure rules” are made for. Maybe you can throw out all unnecessary dialogue, description, events, and the continueds and try to tighten up your script so all of this happens earlier. Yes, that puts more pressure on you to keep the rest of the script interesting by throwing out all unnecessary stuff and only filling in the gaps with interesting/funny/emotional material. Okay, I must admit, I applaud you for not having the characters switch souls or something, but you actually changed the appearance of the characters. Good job. Also, I’m sorry if I sound mean or something, I’m just listing what I think can make this better. Another thing that crossed my mine was to actually make this type of screenplay for a younger audience (but that would mean you would have to drop the alcohol and other stuff that’s not okay for younger audiences). I think lines like “I’m in hell. I’m in hell with acne and tapered jeans” will go over well with younger audiences. Nice twist on 58 showing the downfalls of being that way. Same goes for the pot on 64 (about reconsidering this for a younger audience… and maybe adding that to your synopsis). Also, good idea with the yacht on 87. Good “87 days in the life” joke. I like how she ended up with Ethan. I’m just confused because the last page says (MORE) at the bottom, but there’s nothing after it. I hope you can get something from this review. Good luck and keep writing! read
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A review of THE PLAYERSby justahappykid on 11/07/2011I will list my running thoughts as I read through your script. Perhaps your first page is to wordy and not “grabbing” enough. Maybe you can condense it so the part with BRIAN TAYLOR is at the bottom (so it shows something interesting in happening within the first page and leaving the reader to want to continue reading). What’s even more interesting is when he taps Brian’s picture... I will list my running thoughts as I read through your script. Perhaps your first page is to wordy and not “grabbing” enough. Maybe you can condense it so the part with BRIAN TAYLOR is at the bottom (so it shows something interesting in happening within the first page and leaving the reader to want to continue reading). What’s even more interesting is when he taps Brian’s picture and “the game” will begin shortly. I don’t know, just a thought. Also, maybe you should leave “we” out of action/description lines. There’s only the reader’s experience of your script (not plural). What if the eventual viewer of this film was watching it alone, there’s no “we” in that situation. Sorry to be technical, but it’s just something to think about. You should describe things in a way that has the reader imagine what you imagine and vividly without the self-conscious use of “we.” On three, good use of “gonna.” I say that because that’s how people actually talk. Also on 3, maybe consider changing “3” to “three” in Brian’s dialogue because symbols or numbers shouldn’t be in dialogue -- turn it into what it would sound like for an actor were to say it (for example Ms. -- becomes Misses) the way it would sound if an actor spoke it. Like $1,000 would be One-thousand-dollars and so on. Mr. would be Mister. And so on. Also, I can already tell you use “ly” words probably too much. By that I mean words that end in “ly.” For example, "answers quietly" could be (whispers) and "runs quickly" (races). Also, avoid using these words to make it flow better: BEGIN, START, BACK, ANOTHER, ALSO, STILL, CONTINUES, AGAIN, FINALLY. Try to keep your screenwriting in present tense, meaning eliminating words like “is” and “are” as much as possible. On 4, it should be “it’s April.” If you’re offended to that I’m being to technical and focusing on story, I’m sorry but I think a well formatted screenplay with zero technical errors make for a better screenplay off the bat. That way the reader won’t be distracted by these things and get sucked in the reading of the story/content. Before I move on, I most say your concept is grabbing and should help you eventually sell the script. It kind of reminds me of The Hunger Games premise though (which is being adapted into a movie pretty soon). On 8, for some reason it bothers me to not see a description under “INT. FORD PROBE.” Also, the Teddy Bear reminds of Saw (Jigsaw puppet). Cool twist on 9 with Ava. The concept has great conflict built in so I applaud you for that. Your dialogue is pretty good so far. Well, I’m on 15 and it’s possible that there’s action without much substance (I mean, you haven’t spent too much time making us care of these characters, but just jumped in to an action fest. Perhaps, you can spend the first 10-15 pages developing characters and creating set-ups (that can be later paid off) and then have a really interesting inciting incident around page 10-15. Just a thought. Maybe let the audience know on the first page that Brian is a target and then spend time developing his character. The audience will know more than he does causing more suspense all the way until his first encounter with someone trying to kill him. I know your game isn’t set up that way, but it’s something to think about. On 19, there’s an extra space between “betting monitor.” On 23, I’ve never ever been greeted like (or at all) at Wal-Mart. Maybe it was intentionally odd because it was said again a couple lines later. My not earlier about using numbers in dialogue applies to page 28. Also throughout, I’m very unsure about the ALL CAPS on words for emphasize. I suggest you leave all caps to when you introduced a character for the first time. Also, I know your game is set up with a lot of characters, but my gut tells me you have too many characters in your script. Good job for keeping your script very visual throughout. On 52, you have “MArcus” and the “A” shouldn’t be capitalized. On 53, it should be “It’s” where it says, “Its not much of a game if there…” Unless my eyes are acting up, I think I noticed throughout the you interchangeably double-spaced and single-spaced after periods. I could be wrong but keep it consistently one way or the other throughout. On 70, does “Alcohol” have to be capitalized throughout the page? The use of the stapler is very visceral, so good job. On 77, the description with five lines seems out of place for how your screenplay has been written so far (the part that starts with the words “Ava crouches lower”). Perhaps you should break it up into two different description paragraphs. Same goes wit h the six line paragraph on 78 and on 87. Pretty satisfying ending. Have you ever considered a sequel? I hope my technical review helps you. Good luck and keep writng! read
Comments About justahappykid 36
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themovienerd on 05/22/2013
Thanks for reading Murderer's Creek and your kind words. Means a lot.
All the best in your own writing,
Nick -
RJWickings on 05/22/2013
HI,
Thanks for the review and the advice, will be revising the script to correct some of the formatting issues. I think that the gaps at the bottom of some of the pages are due to the software I use. Likewise with the (continued) at the top.
Yours was the first review I've received and thanks for the positives about being visual and some of the dialogue.
Thanks. -
jayelveejr on 05/15/2013
Thanks for reviewing and reading Horoscopes, Johnny. Appreciate it and the kind words. Upload your script soon. Best of luck.
JV -
joshmatt on 05/14/2013
Thanks very much for your review of Life Sucks. You may be dead on with the North By Northwest suggestion. I was kind of going for that with him trying to reconnect with his wife, but I probably have to come stronger with it. Best of luck to you and your writing endeavors! -
diamondback72 on 05/13/2013
Thank you so much for taking the time to review "4/20". I really appreciate the detailed notes and feedback.
Best of luck to you in your endeavors.
Sincerely,
Trafton -
olufemi on 05/24/2012
Oh, I've read your script; just haven't had a chance to formalize my thoughts. I'll get back to you soon. -
olufemi on 05/09/2012
justahappykid wrote:Congratulations on being featured!!!
Thanks! It was a nice surprise to start off my day.
I promise I haven't forgotten about your script... -
AlCielo on 01/31/2012
One very tentative suggestion: if you can establish that Noah and Julie yearn for / need each other (besides the phone calls), you'll create a sense of longing in the audience that will carry them through the challenges of the unconventional structure. -
AlCielo on 01/31/2012
Thanks for the thanks--it's a very smart script, and I'm sure that whatever direction you end up with will pay off. You probably already know this, but in my experience, a script that's unconventional or largely internal tends to require more drafts (13 on mine, at which point I gave up on it, for the time being). -
Magnet360 on 01/12/2012
Thanks for the kind words. Hopefully, I can get one of your scripts in my que.
Good luck with your writing.
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Comments About justahappykid 36
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Thanks for reading Murderer's Creek and your kind words. Means a lot.
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HI,
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Thanks for reviewing and reading Horoscopes, Johnny. Appreciate it and the kind words. Upload your script soon. Best of luck.
+ more commentsthemovienerd on 05/22/2013
All the best in your own writing,
Nick
RJWickings on 05/22/2013
Thanks for the review and the advice, will be revising the script to correct some of the formatting issues. I think that the gaps at the bottom of some of the pages are due to the software I use. Likewise with the (continued) at the top.
Yours was the first review I've received and thanks for the positives about being visual and some of the dialogue.
Thanks.
jayelveejr on 05/15/2013
JV