JustWright

Good Start

A review of One Time Wonder

by JustWright on 02/25/2011

Brian, this is a good start. I think you're a little bit past the beginning point, but probably not quite to intermediate yet. The biggest issue is that you haven't quite yet worked on your pacing from a professional standpoint. Your scenes go on too long and I think what you should really focus on is how you can say exactly what you need to say without having to say "everything."... Brian, this is a good start. I think you're a little bit past the beginning point, but probably not quite to intermediate yet.

The biggest issue is that you haven't quite yet worked on your pacing from a professional standpoint. Your scenes go on too long and I think what you should really focus on is how you can say exactly what you need to say without having to say "everything." I got the sense from your scenes that you were trying to include "every possible explanation" or angle and it's just not necessary. Always leave the audience wanting and craving more. The more you tell us, especially if its excessive, the less the audience is engaged because they know you're going to tell them everything, so really they stop paying attention.

My advice would be to read a produced script and see how quickly they actually move. Even indie scripts/films move quickly.

The next thing is your genre. You're really writing something that comes across as a little high concept, but then it's written slowly as would be an indie. Again, the longer scenes really amplify this fact.

Next would be characterization. While some of the characters are funny, really your main character is who we, as the audience, want to be rooting and pulling for. Your opening paints him to be a real douche and he doesn't really recover from that. He's a guy that once published a "best selling" book and that's taken him years forward... his goal is really to find something to write that's quote-un-quote original and he really steals the premise for the idea from someone else and then wants to take someone else's life and make it part of his "comeback." Overall, what makes me want to pull for Pete? He's already had a modicum of success and it's not like he's about to go bankrupt if he doesn't come up with something quick. There are little stakes here, which doesn't really push us into the story. Then, once we get into the story it sort of just coasts along...

I think you have the beginnings of something here, but it's going to take quite a bit of reworking and should probably be between 90-100 pages at the most.

Good luck with it! read

Nice Start...

A review of A Nickel For You

by JustWright on 11/12/2010

Right off the bat you're clearly beginning in your screenwriting venture, so I have to say congrats on that. It's a tough business. Years and years and years of work before the reward gets in your sights, so always know you have to be in it for the long haul. You'll notice a lack of response to the story and that's not because of any other reason than I feel like any reader... read

Interesting...

A review of My Dad's a Hitman

by JustWright on 11/02/2010

Tim, thanks for the read. Always an interesting experience. I don't think there's a whole lot I can say here because I don't really think this story is going to do a whole lot for you. The storyline is all over the place, the genre isn't nailed down, the dialogue is sketchy and the characters are just sort of there, but don't really jump off the page even when they're jumping... Tim, thanks for the read. Always an interesting experience. I don't think there's a whole lot I can say here because I don't really think this story is going to do a whole lot for you. The storyline is all over the place, the genre isn't nailed down, the dialogue is sketchy and the characters are just sort of there, but don't really jump off the page even when they're jumping on.

There's always a point where a writer has to cut his losses on something and go to another project. I think that's where you're at with this one. Take a breather, toss this one aside for a few and work on something else.

I still feel like you're in the beginning stages of your screenwriting venture, so it's little use to comment on story and things of that nature when formatting, punctuation and spelling errors are so abundant.

One thing I will say about the structure though is that you really need to define your genre through structure. Here you begin with extremely quick cuts, leaving scenes very early and coming back to the aftermath. Later on we're thrust into a world of "family." After that we have a "Ninja" jumping out of a vehicle and slicing people's hands off. The hands then get replaced a la FACE OFF, but the hands are switched and all of a sudden have some sort of impact on the person who received them. Really odd, since there's nothing in our hands that controls our brain -- quite frankly the other way around. Not really sure where that came from? Then there's gratuitious sex and "fondling" which really comes out of nowhere as well and doesn't really define the genre. To top it off your title implies a comedy. I think anyone reading the title would immediately think COMEDY - MY DAD'S A HITMAN. That really doesn't strike me as the title for the genre you're going for. Something you may want to keep in mind, if your logline has little to do with your title then you can spot that something is wrong.

All-in-all, writers always have to scrap projects and come back to them later, myself included. My advice here would be to work on something else for the time being and come back to this one later on with a fresh head.

Good luck! read

Good Opening

A review of 'Umbra Point'

by JustWright on 11/01/2010

I like what you have here. I think in a few rewrites it could be something small and indie. What frustrates me the most about scripts like this is that I see the writer as being good in the form of what is being put to the page. The opening is cinematic, you're pacing is great and the intrigue is definitely there. Then, all of a sudden, you go off the deep end and start... I like what you have here. I think in a few rewrites it could be something small and indie. What frustrates me the most about scripts like this is that I see the writer as being good in the form of what is being put to the page. The opening is cinematic, you're pacing is great and the intrigue is definitely there. Then, all of a sudden, you go off the deep end and start having a talk-fest and the plot grinds to an early halt, which sucks because I was enjoying it. It seems to me like this is an underdeveloped idea. You don't have enough to put to the page. The first clue should be that it's not even a 90 page script and comes to a halt early on. Any 90 page script should be lightning from beginning to end because it's so short.

What happens is that the characters themselves start to argue like an old married couple and it really tells the reader that the writer has run out of plot points for the story.

We do get to see the "police" are listening in, but that comes too late... then Trey shows up with a dead Lex, which comes too late and then what I feel should be the mid-way point happens on page 70 where we see that Joe is double-crossing his guys. This should probably be a 100 page script and the double-cross should be around the 50 mark shifting everything about 20 pages back. Even though this is indie and you have quite a few "shots" that you state outright, that doesn't bother me, but just because you have all of this "extraneous" writing and camera direction doesn't mean you can skip out on plot.

The last 20 are okay, but again here just a little weak on plot.

Also, I like how SOME of your dialogue is realistic to the characters, but at times it really lacks a punch I think an indie script like this should have. I think of films, mainly played by people like Colin Farrell, Ewan McGregor etc... and they always have wacky characters who are complete opposites and that's really the key... check out films like that and listen closely to the dialogue...

Really, really buckle down and try to come up with better dialogue. Doesn't have to be fancy, but make it memorable!

Even though this is indie, try to get the structure to a point that doesn't stop the reader in his/her tracks and throw up warning flags!

Keep writing! read

Interesting...

A review of Sobek (v2)

by JustWright on 10/26/2010

I don't often say this, but it seems that your storytelling ability is a few steps ahead of your writing ability. As a screenwriter this isn't a bad thing actually. So, what's the problem? The writing is all over the place. Your grammar, punctuation and spelling errors jump off the page like a dolphin at Sea World. Your strong point is structure. You seem to have... I don't often say this, but it seems that your storytelling ability is a few steps ahead of your writing ability. As a screenwriter this isn't a bad thing actually.

So, what's the problem? The writing is all over the place. Your grammar, punctuation and spelling errors jump off the page like a dolphin at Sea World.

Your strong point is structure. You seem to have this inherent ability to tell a story using a script that has huge writing and formatting issues. What program are you using? The top margin seems to be too high and the bottom is too large. This may have happened in your PDF conversion, so watch out for that.

The interesting thing here is that I think there's a story in here. I think if you read a screenwriting basics book and got your grammar etc... under control you may be able to pull it out. One of things you need to pay attention too though is genre. Always imagine the director that would be helming your project and see the film in your head as it goes along. The shots you can imagine your director taking -- have you seen them before? For instance, if you're writing an action adventure centered on a single character, you'd probably think of Paul Greengrass, Tony Gilroy of the Bourne series... then look at your scenes and see if the ebb and flow is similar. NOT that the stuff happening in the scene is similar, but the tone, length of time, motion etc...

I was trying to figure out how would shoot a film like this, but I couldn't get there. It was a little Del Toro, but also reminded me of the tone of Se7en, which would be Fincher, but it also had a little of From Hell, so... that can give you an indication that it's all over the place. If you can't pick the director then the piece probably has more genres and tones than it should.

Your pacing wasn't bad. Although you do write extremely passive and repetitive and that doesn't make for the easiest read, the piece was intriguing enough to get through.

Be careful of the number of characters you introduce. You do do a somewhat solid job of keeping the characters centered around your main character Rafferty, but really watch films in this genre and see how they use characterization and how many characters they're introducing etc... that can help you decide how many you'd like the audience to see. The number shouldn't be too high. In your first act you have more than 15 characters introduced. The more characters you introduce the further away the audience gets from your main characters and the story at hand.

I think the fact of the matter is that you'll get plenty of people commenting on story. The plot gets a little weak as the killings just keep on coming... and that also gets into the idea of genre... is this SAW or is it SE7EN and those are majorly different genres even if it doesn't seem so.

Your ending is intense in the sewers, which is definitely a new setting for a film, so pat on the back there. Just remember that even when you're dealing with a situation that isn't normally reality in the world we live in today the more grounded your stuff is in reality the more realistic it will seem to an audience. The kidnapping of Penny toward the end reminded me of Se7en in that it's a similar situation Brad Pitt's character was in, although he doesn't find out until his wife is dead.

You seem to be in the beginning to middle stage of your screenwriting venture, so eventually you'll realize what it really has to be.

My advice to you at this point is to start with grammar, punctuation and style. It's difficult to pull a great story out of a script when these minor things aren't met first.

Good luck! read

Hollywood Beat You to it...

A review of Mr.

by JustWright on 10/19/2010

Before I get into the review I really have to say that I hate to do this, but I feel it's an injustice to the writer if they don't know... there's a film coming out with Jonathan Rhys Myers and Julianne Moore (SHELTER). This is the synopsis from IMDB "A female forensic psychiatrist discovers that all of one of her patient's multiple personalities are murder victims." Very... read

Very Interesting...

A review of Stolen Futures (ver.2)

by JustWright on 10/09/2010

I like your method of storytelling, which is what screenwriting is... so right off the bat, nice job. Is it perfect? No. Does it need to be perfect? No. Does it need to better? Yes. I'm not the guy that comments on every little punctuation or spelling error, but I have to say that you preface yourself as a doctor, which always gets into people's head that you're educated... I like your method of storytelling, which is what screenwriting is... so right off the bat, nice job. Is it perfect? No. Does it need to be perfect? No. Does it need to better? Yes.

I'm not the guy that comments on every little punctuation or spelling error, but I have to say that you preface yourself as a doctor, which always gets into people's head that you're educated and established, which in turn creates this preconceived notion that the errors will be minor (if any) and few and far between. Unfortunately, by page 2, the errors were already out, which then completely reversed my thinking of that notion... the further I read and the more errors were amassed it became a little distracting to the read. Remember to always proofread and make sure what you're trying to say gets across. I think your biggest mistakes were with the word "your" or "you're." Not too surprising because this is common for people, but it really needs to be cleaned up.

I like your premise here and I think it can really be extrapolated into something more than it currently is. After the opening goes back to the hospital I got that basically every time we go to a place where there's "trouble" it's the "future," but for the sake of clarity, it would be nice for the reader to be able to see this on the page. Don't worry about your big "reveal" or keeping people on their toes with ambiguity. Just give it like it is and people will like you more for it.

Like I said, I like your storytelling ability. What needs to catch up to that storytelling ability is your writing. Your descriptive and action passages are so PASSIVE that it detracts from the read. We should be energized, we should be "frantic" go back and forth and wondering what exactly is going to happen, but the writing weighs it down and stops that action from moving forward. If you'd like an example or a professional script, I can send one to you via email. My advice would be to read produced scripts in your genre and see how the writing in between the dialogue really charges forward.

From a dialogue perspective I really like how you've kept it lean and to the point, however, you do have some stuff that's really "on-the-nose," so try to make sure that all of the dialogue is really moving us forward and not repetitive. Towards the end your consistent use of the phrase "massive favour" really got tiring. And, I know "favour" is spelled like that in the UK, but here in the US it's spelled FAVOR. Just as an FYI because I'm sure you'll be sending this script to people here in The States, so take note...

Ending on a montage was really weird for me. You'll find most people in the "industry" really don't like montages in general because they view it as lazy writing. Just another FYI. To end on a montage that's more than 5 scenes really isn't a good thing. The general rule is most montages shouldn't be more than 4 scenes and for your ending there's 9...

I like the reveal with the brother. That was truly nice. But, again, by the time I got there I was a little worn out.

I think your storytelling ability is definitely there, so just get your descriptive and action passages to match and you'll be on your way.

Good luck! read

A Lifetime Movie...

A review of The Touch (r.2)

by JustWright on 09/23/2010

The best thing about this script is that it's CLEAN, fresh and professionally formatted... makes it hard to read scripts when page 1 comes out with errors or massive blocks or things that give the reader an immediate indication this is as far from a pro script as you're going to get. Yours was definitely a welcome exception to the rule! Right off the bat I can tell you can... The best thing about this script is that it's CLEAN, fresh and professionally formatted... makes it hard to read scripts when page 1 comes out with errors or massive blocks or things that give the reader an immediate indication this is as far from a pro script as you're going to get.

Yours was definitely a welcome exception to the rule! Right off the bat I can tell you can write, I can tell you take your time, I can tell you're committed to the story and there are very, very few errors in this script... and the honest truth is, when the errors occur it's a letter or two at the most... for instance, intention isn't intension, but realistically that has no impact on the story because it's so few and far between...

One of the biggest pet peeves I have is when someone doesn't review a script within the context of the genre of the script that was written... for instance, I could read this and review it as though it was a high-concept vehicle to be sold to a studio and if that was the case I'd say it muddles along, doesn't move all that well, has a main character that's a vet and that's not a universal position most people will understand... throwing in the "sci-fi" aspect of it all makes it quite strange... etc...etc... but the fact of the matter is that this IS A LIFETIME MOVIE... plain and simple... it's NOT for the big screen, it's for the small and it's almost dead-on for programming on that network, so if I was to see this script I'd push it in that direction without an ounce of hesitation.

You write with a pacing for that network, which fits your story, because it's not designed to move quickly, although it's not blatantly slow... don't get me wrong... but the pacing of the writing completely fits with that genre, network and the story you're telling... so, nice job!

One of the things I hate the most about certain stories is the "YEARS LATER" approach... for me, I've always felt it truly needed to fit within the context of the story and I always have to ask myself... why couldn't the story just have opened in the present and maybe done flashes back, so that we, as the reader, wouldn't necessarily know EVERYTHING that was going on, which would provide a level of intrigue and mystery to it all... just a thought... you already have flashbacks in the script, so starting with a flashback, going "20 YEARS LATER" and then coming back to a flashback later on... I think you get where I'm going with this...

Next would be the length of the flashbacks... for me this was a little distracting and I think other readers are going to say the same... my advice here would be to cut them down and if they are ABSOLUTELY 100% NECESSARY then sprinkle them over the script instead of pouring rain down on us all at once...

Overall, I think you have a touching story told in a touching manner... Lifetime all the way! Do I think it could be a 100 page story? Yes, I do... I'd cut some of the smaller bits... some of the stuff, like dialogue where characters are saying the mundane things we say in everyday life, but the stuff that ends up on the cutting-room floor because that kind of stuff we don't want in the film... we want the meat and potatoes, even if it is a Lifetime film...

Nice work! read

Good Start...

A review of The Steph Infection

by JustWright on 09/21/2010

This was a good start in my opinion. You're clearly new to the whole writing thing and this is your second or third stab at this, so I say, keep going! Part of what works is that you do have a sense of characterization and somewhat of dialogue. With new writers you can always tell what their connection to the material is because they'll include things that aren't really... This was a good start in my opinion. You're clearly new to the whole writing thing and this is your second or third stab at this, so I say, keep going!

Part of what works is that you do have a sense of characterization and somewhat of dialogue. With new writers you can always tell what their connection to the material is because they'll include things that aren't really universal, but that happen(ed) to them in the workplace. The things that they've been around or seen... that was very clear here...

With that said, it's also clear you don't read many produced scripts because I don't think you quite have that solid grasp on PACING. The ultimate goal is to get what you've written to a screen... be it large or small... which means you really have to know and understand pacing and structure, so that the reader immediately takes to your story and is able to follow it. This has quite a bit of lengthy dialogue exchanges without a whole lot of movement. Go back and read through at least the first 15 and see how much dialogue you actually have. There should actually be some description when it comes to people, places and the things that make up your environment... just saying something like... "magazine office" doesn't really tell us a whole lot and there really isn't a whole lot of description...

Also, watch when your dialogue starts to serve your plot more than it serves the characters... you open with this extremely weird scene between neighbors who start off more than friendly and end up throwing slights back and forth at each other for no apparent reason... a dog really isn't cause for people to flip out like that and start basically being douchebags to each other. When your dialogue starts to basically tell the audience what to think or feel then you know it's not right. Check that and other spots to make sure your character interactions are organic and real to the story... not just serving what you want to get across to the audience...

Do a quick spell check also... a few punctuation and grammatical mistakes throughout... which I thought extremely odd because if it is you who has worked at this magazine then you're surrounded by writing...

Overall, I think this is a good start and I think you have a good basis from which to begin your screenwriting venture. Just pare down the dialogue, create more descriptions, possibly read a few produced scripts to get an idea!

Good luck with it!
read

The Passion Project

A review of Working Class Hero

by JustWright on 09/21/2010

I think everyone has one of these and this is definitely yours. I found it an enjoyable read, albeit not without its issues... First and foremost, this thing is filled with grammatical, punctuational and formatting errors that I'm sure everyone is going to tell you about... just try to make sure you proofread your stuff prior to posting it... you even spelled Dick Cheney's... I think everyone has one of these and this is definitely yours. I found it an enjoyable read, albeit not without its issues...

First and foremost, this thing is filled with grammatical, punctuational and formatting errors that I'm sure everyone is going to tell you about... just try to make sure you proofread your stuff prior to posting it... you even spelled Dick Cheney's name wrong... if you don't know, jump on Google and it'll take all of about .2 seconds to get it! The irony behind this is that I felt like when I was reading the opening that you were right on track... and then one error lead to another and another... you're missing periods all over the place; you need question marks at the end of dialogue where you currently have a period... which really struck me as odd because your vocabulary is actually quite good... so, I'm not really sure what to make of that?

Second, this is probably one of the most dialogue heavy scripts I've ever read. The issue isn't your pacing, in my opinion, because you maintained decent pacing throughout, but if you were cut chunks and chunks of dialogue out then you could probably get this to between 100 and 110... remember that even the biggest screenwriting competition in the world (The Nicholl) doesn't take scripts over 120... that should really tell you something... try to bring it in UNDER that mark! This is definitely not a script that would ever see the big screen, but if you chopped it down and really made more of an effort to make it a more commercial passion piece then I could see it on dvd...

I like the arc of your main character, even though he's still a little weak. I think the way he starts off is a little lack-luster, even though he's clearly good at his job. The way he picks up steam later on I really like and I think you've drawn him quite well. As a matter of fact, through all of the errors I found and the dialogue heavy scenes, the one thing that did stand out to me was that I could easily see your characters... so, clearly that's your strong suit - Characterization.

I can imagine that many of the people reviewing this script are going to mention the "preachy" nature of it. This bothered me, but at the same time the fact of the matter is that THIS IS THE TYPE OF STORY YOU'RE TELLING, so without it being preachy you really don't have much of a story... in a lighter sense. I do believe, however, there's a way to tell a story about something without being "overly preachy," which you definitely walk the fine lines of doing here... and that's where your passion seeps out... I wish there was a rating for passion because you'd definitely get top billing. I think you know this story, I think it intrigues you to the point of stimulation and I think you truly believe in it... so, go for it!

Just keep a few things in mind - 1. Proofread 2. Get it below 120 3. Cut some dialogue 4. Make sure that each and every scene is absolutely necessary to your story 5. Increase the drama of your dialogue... even though this story is from "years ago" it can still have snappy dialogue!

Good luck! read

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