a screenplay
by kepow
Genres:
children/family, drama
Please see production notes. Thanks for reading.
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Submissions by kepow
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a screenplay by kepowGenres: children/family, dramaOld draft. Please read The Evolution of Captain Awesum.
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a screenplay by kepowGenres: children/family, dramaFormerly "Something in the Way". Please see production notes. Thanks for reading.
Reviews by kepow 72
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A review of Blockhouse Blues and the Elmore Beastby kepow on 04/29/2010Hello. This is the shortest (and fastest) reviews I have given in a long time, due to your excellent spelling and grammar skills, your short page count, and well-crafted story that didn't have me stopping every few pages or less. Much appreciated! Page notes: pg.5 "Brains pops the boot (or “trunk” for the American readers)." Hah! pg.15 "Hey, how ya goin’?" I like it. Improper... Hello.
This is the shortest (and fastest) reviews I have given in a long time, due to your excellent spelling and grammar skills, your short page count, and well-crafted story that didn't have me stopping every few pages or less. Much appreciated!
Page notes:
pg.5 "Brains pops the boot (or “trunk” for the American readers)." Hah!
pg.15 "Hey, how ya goin’?" I like it. Improper English can be lots of fun.
pg.21 I don't think you need this:
MAX (V.O.)
You sure about this?
BRAINS (V.O.)
Definitely. Of course.
pg.23 "Doesn’t look (like?) much."
pg.40 "Nah, nah. She just wants to check
her wall." LOL
pg.45 "BRAINS
Listen, Hammers, I --
But the Gods are against him. The doors crash open and
Floyd’s dramatic entrance completely steals the moment." Nice. I think this is the best of these hindsight-type flashbacks so far, probably because of the emotional implications of it.
However, I don't think you need the "Who's that?" "Floyd..." part at all. This also applies to the endings of the previous flashbacks (perhaps not all of them) Just show Floyd order his drink and kick the bar, followed by a frustrated look from Brains, because all this adds up to a lot of repitition that the audience doesn't need, and which slows the pace of your story. I see this as being something Jason Stathom would be in, and I think as far as the pace goes, the faster, the better. Granted, that may mean you'll have to add to the length of the story, since you're only at 93 pages and can't afford to lose much off the length.
pg.48 "You totally ride his coat tails. How he tells it." Ouch.
pg.51 "Glug, glug, glug. You hear that?
That’s the sound of you drowning." Nice.
pg.78 Again, too much repitition, especially with this scene where we're seeing half of a page over again in one shot.
pg.85 "Little less time in cuckoo-land,
maybe a different story." LOL
-------------------------------------------------
Wow, what a little bitch! It was good though. Kat's character was very interesting as she manipulated the guys. Very cool.
Random thoughts:
Somewhere around the page 70 mark I found myself getting a little bored and wishing there was more action, but once Kat escaped, I was riveted.
In hindsight, I don't think this has enough action for a Jason Stathom flick, but it has that tone.
When I first read Brains' name, I though you mis-spelled Brian. When I realised you hadn't, I thought of Brain, from Pinky and the Brain. Ever seen that cartoon? It's great.
The flashbacks I think are fairly well done with regards to how they tie together, but as I pointed out above, I felt there was too much repitition. I don't need that much overlap to figure out the transitions from past to present. That slowed the pace a fair bit and I think that hurts your story.
As for Hammers' character, at one point I thought it would be nice if he were not just stupid, but said more off-beat things that would have a person scratching their heads wondering how such a thought even crossed his mind. One such example is the "Sweden disease" search he did. I can see why he would type those words, being that he's dumb, but at the same time it's like, "How the hell did he come up with that?" because he would have to know that Stockholm is in Sweden, which is a surprise, and so it's absurd that he would show this spark of intelligence and yet still be so dumb. Clever, yet not. This absurdity is where I find the humor and I, personally, wish there was more of it.
The title I am not a fan of. I don't have any suggestions, but it feels kind of... I don't know... bland, I guess. And odd.
Well, I think that's all I have. Hopefully you find something useful in there somewhere.
If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.
Write on...
read -
A review of A Broken Ruleby kepow on 04/25/2010Hi Karyn. This was pretty easy to read with few spelling/grammatical errors, etc. and I thank you for that! On the other hand, this type of review is hard to write, because it's difficult to pinpoint where the problems lie, because it's written so cleanly. Anyway, I always start with the page notes and conclude with a summary, so here goes: pg.4 "And where am I gonna go... Hi Karyn.
This was pretty easy to read with few spelling/grammatical errors, etc. and I thank you for that!
On the other hand, this type of review is hard to write, because it's difficult to pinpoint where the problems lie, because it's written so cleanly.
Anyway, I always start with the page notes and conclude with a summary, so here goes:
pg.4 "And where am I gonna go
now that my own mother doesn’t want
me?" That line reads like exposition. I don't think he'd really say that and it isn't necessary to tell us that she's his mother anyway.
pg.5 "I love you. But all you do is
break my heart." Very nice scene here.
pg.7 "They arrives (arrive) at a sleek..."
pg.18 Seems like this is a good place for one of them (Mia or Theo) to comment on the coincidences of their meetings ("Are you stalking me?" "You're not worth stalking." or "Not yet." type of thing), because it is kind of odd and I think one of them needs to say what the audience is thinking.
pg.22 Here, it would be good to have Theo give Mia an apologetic look that she doesn't notice, to show us that he's not just a heartless asshole.
Okay, he's apologizing now. Good.
pg.30 "It’s...fine. Different." Need a space between the elipsis and "fine".
pg.31 "...no idea how to operate (the)
thing."
Also, "Her face can’t hide it- she’s never
had beer before and she doesn’t like it.
MIA
It’s good." LOL
pg.33 "Be glad it wasn’t hot coffee,
asshole." Nice!
pg.42 "I noticed it wasn’t on the Wall of
Achievement." LOL
pg.43 "What’d (What're) you doing?"
pg.61 "You’re (Your) mom called."
pg.65 "She’s...(space) not like you."
pg.79 "You...(space)wanna keep going?"
pg.80-81 Sex scene seems to expilicit for the tone of the story so far.
pg.81 "you like him and all... (space)but he’s a
loser."
pg.92 "You’re drunk...(space)not
thinking straight!"
pg.96 "I can’t...(space)my hands are shaking so
bad."
Also, "You want... (extra space)Home?"
pg.104 "Or your four oh one K?" I know the rule about writing out numbers, but this reads funny. I would make it 401K.
pg.105 "I’m...(space)sorry."
-------------------------------------------------
My first impression after finishing this story, is that perhaps it is based too closely on the actual events. I know that embellishing a story might feel like lying, but for the sake of entertainment, it almost always has to be done (unless it's biography or something) and I think that includes this time.
The main part of the story is Theo and Mia's relationship, which develops very slowly. I think this is due to Theo's unwillingness to open up to anyone, even the girl he cares for. I think it would serve the story well if he came out of his shell for Mia a little more, and sooner. Of course, events and timing have to be such that it makes sense.
At the same time, I feel there is not enough conflict between Luke and Theo, or at least, it is not escalated enough. Theo beats up Luke once, Luke retaliates, Luke crushes Ian's hand, and that is about the extent of it until the end. The minor stuff, like Luke cutting Mia's backpack straps, feels like a placeholder for something more dramatic that should happen.
Theo calmly threatening Luke in the lunchroom was good and added tension, but I feel the payoff (crushing Ian's hand) wasn't high enough, especially since it was not done to Luke himself. Ian is a minor player in this and as a result, him getting hurt by Theo just because he hangs around with Luke isn't satisfying enough for me, but it would be if Theo tracked down each of Luke's friends whom jumped him in the locker room and exacted vengeance on all of them for their part in it. This would then force Luke to step up in a big way to regain dominance, like by doing something to Mia that causes physical injury to her (again, but worse, like a car crash) or otherwise get back at Theo personally. Basically, their run-ins and the consequences of them should escalate each time they meet, leading finally to Luke being shot in the end.
Also, Jesse loading the gun and not making sure that Theo knew about it feels a little off. What I would like to see, is prior incidences wherein Luke and his gang harass Jesse, but Jesse lacks the ability to retaliate, until the end when the gun comes into play. It would be much more dramatic if Jesse loaded the gun secretly, and with the intent to exact vengeance through Theo, hoping that he would pull the trigger.
The flashback scenes are not labelled as such, but that didn't bother me, and in fact, I liked figuring out what was going on, though I imagine you will receive complaints about the improper formatting. That said, I felt like they were somewhat disjointed with the rest of the story, because what was happening in the present time had no real relevance to what was happening in the flashback, as it was playing out. So ultimately, it felt like it was only a means of telling the past and present stories without having to tell the past story first and then do an "EIGHT MONTHS LATER" titlecard at the end followed by showing all of the present day stuff. I'm undecided on whether or not I think it should stay, though I'm thinking you could probably cut all of the present day stuff with the trial and Mia visiting without losing much, if anything, from the story. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think you should stick to the "past" portion of the story and make that present day and remove all of the current "present day" stuff. I can't think of anything that it adds. In a nutshell, it is, Mia has moved on (somewhat), Theo calls her, she travels to see him, and tells him that what he did was wrong, which we already know, with the addition of the courtroom scenes where we watch him get sentenced, which is also no surprise.
What you could maybe do, is have Mia tell him off before he is arrested, and skip having to set up the scenario for her to do it later. Just a thought.
Anyway, I hope I haven't discouraged you, because that's not my intent.
Thanks for a clean and easy read. I you have any questions, feel free to contact me any time.
Write on...
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A review of The Janitor (REVISED)by kepow on 04/21/2010pg.1 Needs FADE IN pg.2 "I”m not going to hurt him. FATHER Don’t hurt him. SAMMY I’m not going to hurt him." I think the first "I'm not going to hurt him" should be deleted. Also "FATHER Okay. SAMMY Go on. FATHER Ok." I would stick to the proper spelling of "okay". Either way, just be consistant and don't spell it both ways. pg.8 "SAMMY (O.S.) You have your deal." This... pg.1 Needs FADE IN
pg.2 "I”m not going to hurt
him.
FATHER
Don’t hurt him.
SAMMY
I’m not going to hurt him."
I think the first "I'm not going to hurt him" should be deleted.
Also "FATHER
Okay.
SAMMY
Go on.
FATHER
Ok."
I would stick to the proper spelling of "okay". Either way, just be consistant and don't spell it both ways.
pg.8 "SAMMY (O.S.)
You have your deal." This should be (On Phone) or (Filtered). (O.S.) is used when the character is in the vicinity of the camera, but out of sight.
pg.14 LUCIO
(to the baby)
How is my sweet little girl?
I noticed that sometimes you have the parenthetical properly indented, and some times you don't.
pg.20 "One of the girls reaches to her panties and pulls it to the
side, revealing her chach." This story just went from an "R" to an "NC-17" rating right there.
pg.26 This is now getting exciting.
pg.30 "The Mercedes fly’s (flies) out of..."
pg.34 "Gus and Ronnie are at the bar drinking a pitcher of beer." There's an extra blank line after that sentence.
pg.38 "Well apparently he understands ten
million dollars." Great line.
pg.43 "You’re bullshit." Another good line. I have a problem with Jorge giving out any information about Lucio, though. Hispanics are pretty tightly knit, and they are not ones to rat on each other, especially after being threatened and saying he wasn't scared of Gustavo. If he was scared of Gustavo reporting him, or if Gustavo offered him some decent money, then I could see him coughing up that information, but otherwise, no.
pg.45 "Anyway, his name is Lucio. He is--
or was a janitor at Samuel Bryce" Needs a period.
pg.47 "CARMEN
I do know you. Your lost in your
head." That should be "you're", as in, "you are".
pg.49
(both in Spanish)
Give me two pounds of asada, one
pound of pollo.
Since you already noted that they were speaking in Spanish, you should write all of the words in English, so just put "beef" and "chicken". Otherwise, it reads like he is actually speaking in English.
pg.52 "Ronnie reaches into a duffle bag. Ronnie reaches into the
bag for a bottle of Tylenol." Repetitive infromation there.
pg.55 "stopping (stomping) down on Yager’s leg,"
pg.65 "LUCIO
What happened to you?
DAVID
Nothing.
David notices the limpness in Lucio’s arm.
DAVID (CONT’D)
What’s wrong with your arm?
LUCIO
Nothing."
Haha! Nice.
pg.67"we hear him speaks (speak) English:"
pg.70 "This is Ronnie." Shouldn't Ronnie have call display and know who is calling? It would be odd if he didn't. Maybe just have Aaron start dialing, think better of it and hang up before he finishes.
Also, "Over this we hear (Spanish with English subtitles):" This should be written the first time that Lucio tells his son the story, instead of now, which is the third.
pg.78 "He hits a gas can and it explodes" Chances are, even if the cans were made of metal, they would not explode. Even then, the gasoline would make a large fireball, but not produce a concussive blast that would rip off the front of the house. For that, I would have Lucio shoot a propane tank from a barbeque that he placed on the doorstep. I'm not sure what kind of pistol Lucio would need to penetrate it, since I've only seen it done with rifles, but he could shoot the valve off the top. Problem then is, he'd need to take cover immediately or risk being hit by shrapnel. His car could be parked right beside him. One other option is for Lucio to have something small burning on the step already, like a pilot light essentially, so that when he punctures the gas can, it immediately cathces fire and explodes, but it still won't be strong enough to rip off the front of the house, because the gas is not under pressure from being heated in a sealed container.
pg.78 "rushes out it into the street" Needs some editing.
Also, "He calmly walks down the street and into the darkness." The neighbors would hear the commotion and wake up. I don't believe he could calmly walk away and not be seen, or that he would risk it.
pg.80 I could buy Lucio finding Ronnie because they work in the same building and he would potentially have access to employee records and get Ronnie's address that way, but how the heck did he find Aaron in a hotel? Los Angeles is a huge place.
pg.81 Has Carmen not noticed that Lucio has/had a broken arm?
pg.85 I think Carmen should be more concerned about what's going on and not just go along with what he says so easily. Like say, she knows about his past and knows he's up to something similar again and it deeply saddens her, because she thought he was a changed man. That broken arm should worry her to no end. Instead, she questions him a little and lets it go. There's no pleading with him at all.
pg.87 "Well, I think your (you're) okay
too."
pg.90 I find it hard to believe that Lucio could get back up after being shot in the chest with a sniper rifle. Maybe hit him in the left shoulder area, or at least high on the left side of his chest so he still has his good right arm, and maybe a punctured left lung.
pg.93 So, did Lucio not say anything to his wife about the money? I find it odd that he would leave all of the responsibility in his 8 y.o. son's hands. I think the whole family should be there.
-------------------------------------------------
Okay, a few more things:
From about page 20 to about page 79 the story is really good.
In the first 20 pages, there is a fair bit of expositional dialogue revolving around the transaction between Sammy and Ronnie/Gus/Aaron and between Sammy and the Joshua's father in the first few pages.
On top of that, I find Ronnie and Gus to be too one-dimensional in the first 20 pages as well. Aaron is reluctant and that's a redeeming quality to his character that the other two don't have. It seems Ronnie and Gus are made out to be the most worthless, disgusting people (unlike Aaron, as mentioned) and it goes too far with Gus peeing on the girl (I assume, because otherwise that would be some incredibly premature ejaculation) in the bathroom and everything. Sure, there are people like that in real life, but I just think it goes too far and makes their characters flat. There must be at least one nice thing about them, no?
Lucio, on the other hand, is very well done. I like how he goes from an unassuming janitor to this ass-kicker. As I already mentioned though, I think it needs to be explained how he tracks Aaron down in the hotel room, because it's not believable. He seems to turn into a ninja all of a sudden.
On the one hand, it's okay that Lucio goes after Aaron a second time and finishes him off because of his involvement with the blackmail, but on the other, it wouldn't hurt if Lucio let him go. In fact, I think it would be a plus if Lucio did let him go, because Aaron has a wife and kids and Lucio should be able to relate to that. Letting Aaron go would solve the problem with Lucio finding him in the hotel room.
Also, again, I think his wife needs to know what going on when he's putting the suit on in the end. You could have an emotional scene where she's begging him not to go for fear that he won't be returning, and then he gives her an address and a key, along with a letter for his son, because it's hard to swallow that 8 y.o. David would find the place on his own, and without telling his mother where he's going, too.
Also, the boy in the beginning says his name is Joshua, but at the end, Sammy says his name was Andy Stover.
Your parentheticals were mostly flush left with the dialogue, but they are all supposed to be indented like at the top of page 14.
Lastly, I think you would be wise to remove the explicit nudity, or go the other way and add a bunch more of it, like those skin flicks HBO airs late at night, depending on what your goal for the script is. Clean it up for the theatre, or make it dirtier for late night HBO. I don't think there's much of a venue for anything in between.
Well, that's all I can think of. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.
Write on... read
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Submissions by kepow
-
a screenplay by kepowGenres: children/family, drama
Please see production notes. Thanks for reading.
-
a screenplay by kepowGenres: children/family, drama
Old draft. Please read The Evolution of Captain Awesum.
-
a screenplay by kepowGenres: children/family, drama
Formerly "Something in the Way". Please see production notes. Thanks for reading.
Reviews by kepow 72
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A review of Blockhouse Blues and the Elmore Beastby kepow on 04/29/2010Hello. This is the shortest (and fastest) reviews I have given in a long time, due to your excellent spelling and grammar skills, your short page count, and well-crafted story that didn't have me stopping every few pages or less. Much appreciated! Page notes: pg.5 "Brains pops the boot (or “trunk” for the American readers)." Hah! pg.15 "Hey, how ya goin’?" I like it. Improper... Hello.
This is the shortest (and fastest) reviews I have given in a long time, due to your excellent spelling and grammar skills, your short page count, and well-crafted story that didn't have me stopping every few pages or less. Much appreciated!
Page notes:
pg.5 "Brains pops the boot (or “trunk” for the American readers)." Hah!
pg.15 "Hey, how ya goin’?" I like it. Improper English can be lots of fun.
pg.21 I don't think you need this:
MAX (V.O.)
You sure about this?
BRAINS (V.O.)
Definitely. Of course.
pg.23 "Doesn’t look (like?) much."
pg.40 "Nah, nah. She just wants to check
her wall." LOL
pg.45 "BRAINS
Listen, Hammers, I --
But the Gods are against him. The doors crash open and
Floyd’s dramatic entrance completely steals the moment." Nice. I think this is the best of these hindsight-type flashbacks so far, probably because of the emotional implications of it.
However, I don't think you need the "Who's that?" "Floyd..." part at all. This also applies to the endings of the previous flashbacks (perhaps not all of them) Just show Floyd order his drink and kick the bar, followed by a frustrated look from Brains, because all this adds up to a lot of repitition that the audience doesn't need, and which slows the pace of your story. I see this as being something Jason Stathom would be in, and I think as far as the pace goes, the faster, the better. Granted, that may mean you'll have to add to the length of the story, since you're only at 93 pages and can't afford to lose much off the length.
pg.48 "You totally ride his coat tails. How he tells it." Ouch.
pg.51 "Glug, glug, glug. You hear that?
That’s the sound of you drowning." Nice.
pg.78 Again, too much repitition, especially with this scene where we're seeing half of a page over again in one shot.
pg.85 "Little less time in cuckoo-land,
maybe a different story." LOL
-------------------------------------------------
Wow, what a little bitch! It was good though. Kat's character was very interesting as she manipulated the guys. Very cool.
Random thoughts:
Somewhere around the page 70 mark I found myself getting a little bored and wishing there was more action, but once Kat escaped, I was riveted.
In hindsight, I don't think this has enough action for a Jason Stathom flick, but it has that tone.
When I first read Brains' name, I though you mis-spelled Brian. When I realised you hadn't, I thought of Brain, from Pinky and the Brain. Ever seen that cartoon? It's great.
The flashbacks I think are fairly well done with regards to how they tie together, but as I pointed out above, I felt there was too much repitition. I don't need that much overlap to figure out the transitions from past to present. That slowed the pace a fair bit and I think that hurts your story.
As for Hammers' character, at one point I thought it would be nice if he were not just stupid, but said more off-beat things that would have a person scratching their heads wondering how such a thought even crossed his mind. One such example is the "Sweden disease" search he did. I can see why he would type those words, being that he's dumb, but at the same time it's like, "How the hell did he come up with that?" because he would have to know that Stockholm is in Sweden, which is a surprise, and so it's absurd that he would show this spark of intelligence and yet still be so dumb. Clever, yet not. This absurdity is where I find the humor and I, personally, wish there was more of it.
The title I am not a fan of. I don't have any suggestions, but it feels kind of... I don't know... bland, I guess. And odd.
Well, I think that's all I have. Hopefully you find something useful in there somewhere.
If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.
Write on...
read -
A review of A Broken Ruleby kepow on 04/25/2010Hi Karyn. This was pretty easy to read with few spelling/grammatical errors, etc. and I thank you for that! On the other hand, this type of review is hard to write, because it's difficult to pinpoint where the problems lie, because it's written so cleanly. Anyway, I always start with the page notes and conclude with a summary, so here goes: pg.4 "And where am I gonna go... Hi Karyn.
This was pretty easy to read with few spelling/grammatical errors, etc. and I thank you for that!
On the other hand, this type of review is hard to write, because it's difficult to pinpoint where the problems lie, because it's written so cleanly.
Anyway, I always start with the page notes and conclude with a summary, so here goes:
pg.4 "And where am I gonna go
now that my own mother doesn’t want
me?" That line reads like exposition. I don't think he'd really say that and it isn't necessary to tell us that she's his mother anyway.
pg.5 "I love you. But all you do is
break my heart." Very nice scene here.
pg.7 "They arrives (arrive) at a sleek..."
pg.18 Seems like this is a good place for one of them (Mia or Theo) to comment on the coincidences of their meetings ("Are you stalking me?" "You're not worth stalking." or "Not yet." type of thing), because it is kind of odd and I think one of them needs to say what the audience is thinking.
pg.22 Here, it would be good to have Theo give Mia an apologetic look that she doesn't notice, to show us that he's not just a heartless asshole.
Okay, he's apologizing now. Good.
pg.30 "It’s...fine. Different." Need a space between the elipsis and "fine".
pg.31 "...no idea how to operate (the)
thing."
Also, "Her face can’t hide it- she’s never
had beer before and she doesn’t like it.
MIA
It’s good." LOL
pg.33 "Be glad it wasn’t hot coffee,
asshole." Nice!
pg.42 "I noticed it wasn’t on the Wall of
Achievement." LOL
pg.43 "What’d (What're) you doing?"
pg.61 "You’re (Your) mom called."
pg.65 "She’s...(space) not like you."
pg.79 "You...(space)wanna keep going?"
pg.80-81 Sex scene seems to expilicit for the tone of the story so far.
pg.81 "you like him and all... (space)but he’s a
loser."
pg.92 "You’re drunk...(space)not
thinking straight!"
pg.96 "I can’t...(space)my hands are shaking so
bad."
Also, "You want... (extra space)Home?"
pg.104 "Or your four oh one K?" I know the rule about writing out numbers, but this reads funny. I would make it 401K.
pg.105 "I’m...(space)sorry."
-------------------------------------------------
My first impression after finishing this story, is that perhaps it is based too closely on the actual events. I know that embellishing a story might feel like lying, but for the sake of entertainment, it almost always has to be done (unless it's biography or something) and I think that includes this time.
The main part of the story is Theo and Mia's relationship, which develops very slowly. I think this is due to Theo's unwillingness to open up to anyone, even the girl he cares for. I think it would serve the story well if he came out of his shell for Mia a little more, and sooner. Of course, events and timing have to be such that it makes sense.
At the same time, I feel there is not enough conflict between Luke and Theo, or at least, it is not escalated enough. Theo beats up Luke once, Luke retaliates, Luke crushes Ian's hand, and that is about the extent of it until the end. The minor stuff, like Luke cutting Mia's backpack straps, feels like a placeholder for something more dramatic that should happen.
Theo calmly threatening Luke in the lunchroom was good and added tension, but I feel the payoff (crushing Ian's hand) wasn't high enough, especially since it was not done to Luke himself. Ian is a minor player in this and as a result, him getting hurt by Theo just because he hangs around with Luke isn't satisfying enough for me, but it would be if Theo tracked down each of Luke's friends whom jumped him in the locker room and exacted vengeance on all of them for their part in it. This would then force Luke to step up in a big way to regain dominance, like by doing something to Mia that causes physical injury to her (again, but worse, like a car crash) or otherwise get back at Theo personally. Basically, their run-ins and the consequences of them should escalate each time they meet, leading finally to Luke being shot in the end.
Also, Jesse loading the gun and not making sure that Theo knew about it feels a little off. What I would like to see, is prior incidences wherein Luke and his gang harass Jesse, but Jesse lacks the ability to retaliate, until the end when the gun comes into play. It would be much more dramatic if Jesse loaded the gun secretly, and with the intent to exact vengeance through Theo, hoping that he would pull the trigger.
The flashback scenes are not labelled as such, but that didn't bother me, and in fact, I liked figuring out what was going on, though I imagine you will receive complaints about the improper formatting. That said, I felt like they were somewhat disjointed with the rest of the story, because what was happening in the present time had no real relevance to what was happening in the flashback, as it was playing out. So ultimately, it felt like it was only a means of telling the past and present stories without having to tell the past story first and then do an "EIGHT MONTHS LATER" titlecard at the end followed by showing all of the present day stuff. I'm undecided on whether or not I think it should stay, though I'm thinking you could probably cut all of the present day stuff with the trial and Mia visiting without losing much, if anything, from the story. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I think you should stick to the "past" portion of the story and make that present day and remove all of the current "present day" stuff. I can't think of anything that it adds. In a nutshell, it is, Mia has moved on (somewhat), Theo calls her, she travels to see him, and tells him that what he did was wrong, which we already know, with the addition of the courtroom scenes where we watch him get sentenced, which is also no surprise.
What you could maybe do, is have Mia tell him off before he is arrested, and skip having to set up the scenario for her to do it later. Just a thought.
Anyway, I hope I haven't discouraged you, because that's not my intent.
Thanks for a clean and easy read. I you have any questions, feel free to contact me any time.
Write on...
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A review of The Janitor (REVISED)by kepow on 04/21/2010pg.1 Needs FADE IN pg.2 "I”m not going to hurt him. FATHER Don’t hurt him. SAMMY I’m not going to hurt him." I think the first "I'm not going to hurt him" should be deleted. Also "FATHER Okay. SAMMY Go on. FATHER Ok." I would stick to the proper spelling of "okay". Either way, just be consistant and don't spell it both ways. pg.8 "SAMMY (O.S.) You have your deal." This... pg.1 Needs FADE IN
pg.2 "I”m not going to hurt
him.
FATHER
Don’t hurt him.
SAMMY
I’m not going to hurt him."
I think the first "I'm not going to hurt him" should be deleted.
Also "FATHER
Okay.
SAMMY
Go on.
FATHER
Ok."
I would stick to the proper spelling of "okay". Either way, just be consistant and don't spell it both ways.
pg.8 "SAMMY (O.S.)
You have your deal." This should be (On Phone) or (Filtered). (O.S.) is used when the character is in the vicinity of the camera, but out of sight.
pg.14 LUCIO
(to the baby)
How is my sweet little girl?
I noticed that sometimes you have the parenthetical properly indented, and some times you don't.
pg.20 "One of the girls reaches to her panties and pulls it to the
side, revealing her chach." This story just went from an "R" to an "NC-17" rating right there.
pg.26 This is now getting exciting.
pg.30 "The Mercedes fly’s (flies) out of..."
pg.34 "Gus and Ronnie are at the bar drinking a pitcher of beer." There's an extra blank line after that sentence.
pg.38 "Well apparently he understands ten
million dollars." Great line.
pg.43 "You’re bullshit." Another good line. I have a problem with Jorge giving out any information about Lucio, though. Hispanics are pretty tightly knit, and they are not ones to rat on each other, especially after being threatened and saying he wasn't scared of Gustavo. If he was scared of Gustavo reporting him, or if Gustavo offered him some decent money, then I could see him coughing up that information, but otherwise, no.
pg.45 "Anyway, his name is Lucio. He is--
or was a janitor at Samuel Bryce" Needs a period.
pg.47 "CARMEN
I do know you. Your lost in your
head." That should be "you're", as in, "you are".
pg.49
(both in Spanish)
Give me two pounds of asada, one
pound of pollo.
Since you already noted that they were speaking in Spanish, you should write all of the words in English, so just put "beef" and "chicken". Otherwise, it reads like he is actually speaking in English.
pg.52 "Ronnie reaches into a duffle bag. Ronnie reaches into the
bag for a bottle of Tylenol." Repetitive infromation there.
pg.55 "stopping (stomping) down on Yager’s leg,"
pg.65 "LUCIO
What happened to you?
DAVID
Nothing.
David notices the limpness in Lucio’s arm.
DAVID (CONT’D)
What’s wrong with your arm?
LUCIO
Nothing."
Haha! Nice.
pg.67"we hear him speaks (speak) English:"
pg.70 "This is Ronnie." Shouldn't Ronnie have call display and know who is calling? It would be odd if he didn't. Maybe just have Aaron start dialing, think better of it and hang up before he finishes.
Also, "Over this we hear (Spanish with English subtitles):" This should be written the first time that Lucio tells his son the story, instead of now, which is the third.
pg.78 "He hits a gas can and it explodes" Chances are, even if the cans were made of metal, they would not explode. Even then, the gasoline would make a large fireball, but not produce a concussive blast that would rip off the front of the house. For that, I would have Lucio shoot a propane tank from a barbeque that he placed on the doorstep. I'm not sure what kind of pistol Lucio would need to penetrate it, since I've only seen it done with rifles, but he could shoot the valve off the top. Problem then is, he'd need to take cover immediately or risk being hit by shrapnel. His car could be parked right beside him. One other option is for Lucio to have something small burning on the step already, like a pilot light essentially, so that when he punctures the gas can, it immediately cathces fire and explodes, but it still won't be strong enough to rip off the front of the house, because the gas is not under pressure from being heated in a sealed container.
pg.78 "rushes out it into the street" Needs some editing.
Also, "He calmly walks down the street and into the darkness." The neighbors would hear the commotion and wake up. I don't believe he could calmly walk away and not be seen, or that he would risk it.
pg.80 I could buy Lucio finding Ronnie because they work in the same building and he would potentially have access to employee records and get Ronnie's address that way, but how the heck did he find Aaron in a hotel? Los Angeles is a huge place.
pg.81 Has Carmen not noticed that Lucio has/had a broken arm?
pg.85 I think Carmen should be more concerned about what's going on and not just go along with what he says so easily. Like say, she knows about his past and knows he's up to something similar again and it deeply saddens her, because she thought he was a changed man. That broken arm should worry her to no end. Instead, she questions him a little and lets it go. There's no pleading with him at all.
pg.87 "Well, I think your (you're) okay
too."
pg.90 I find it hard to believe that Lucio could get back up after being shot in the chest with a sniper rifle. Maybe hit him in the left shoulder area, or at least high on the left side of his chest so he still has his good right arm, and maybe a punctured left lung.
pg.93 So, did Lucio not say anything to his wife about the money? I find it odd that he would leave all of the responsibility in his 8 y.o. son's hands. I think the whole family should be there.
-------------------------------------------------
Okay, a few more things:
From about page 20 to about page 79 the story is really good.
In the first 20 pages, there is a fair bit of expositional dialogue revolving around the transaction between Sammy and Ronnie/Gus/Aaron and between Sammy and the Joshua's father in the first few pages.
On top of that, I find Ronnie and Gus to be too one-dimensional in the first 20 pages as well. Aaron is reluctant and that's a redeeming quality to his character that the other two don't have. It seems Ronnie and Gus are made out to be the most worthless, disgusting people (unlike Aaron, as mentioned) and it goes too far with Gus peeing on the girl (I assume, because otherwise that would be some incredibly premature ejaculation) in the bathroom and everything. Sure, there are people like that in real life, but I just think it goes too far and makes their characters flat. There must be at least one nice thing about them, no?
Lucio, on the other hand, is very well done. I like how he goes from an unassuming janitor to this ass-kicker. As I already mentioned though, I think it needs to be explained how he tracks Aaron down in the hotel room, because it's not believable. He seems to turn into a ninja all of a sudden.
On the one hand, it's okay that Lucio goes after Aaron a second time and finishes him off because of his involvement with the blackmail, but on the other, it wouldn't hurt if Lucio let him go. In fact, I think it would be a plus if Lucio did let him go, because Aaron has a wife and kids and Lucio should be able to relate to that. Letting Aaron go would solve the problem with Lucio finding him in the hotel room.
Also, again, I think his wife needs to know what going on when he's putting the suit on in the end. You could have an emotional scene where she's begging him not to go for fear that he won't be returning, and then he gives her an address and a key, along with a letter for his son, because it's hard to swallow that 8 y.o. David would find the place on his own, and without telling his mother where he's going, too.
Also, the boy in the beginning says his name is Joshua, but at the end, Sammy says his name was Andy Stover.
Your parentheticals were mostly flush left with the dialogue, but they are all supposed to be indented like at the top of page 14.
Lastly, I think you would be wise to remove the explicit nudity, or go the other way and add a bunch more of it, like those skin flicks HBO airs late at night, depending on what your goal for the script is. Clean it up for the theatre, or make it dirtier for late night HBO. I don't think there's much of a venue for anything in between.
Well, that's all I can think of. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions.
Write on... read -
A review of Sweet Dreams Nightmareby kepow on 04/12/2010Hello. First, my page notes, followed by a summary at the end: ------------------------------------------------- Title page... you need one. pg.1 A couple of formatting problems right off the bat; your scene headings should look like this: EXT. WHEREVER - DAY Yours are missing the period and a space after the dash. Also, remove ALL of the CUT TO:'s from your script, because... Hello.
First, my page notes, followed by a summary at the end:
-------------------------------------------------
Title page... you need one.
pg.1 A couple of formatting problems right off the bat; your scene headings should look like this:
EXT. WHEREVER - DAY
Yours are missing the period and a space after the dash.
Also, remove ALL of the CUT TO:'s from your script, because as a spec. there should not be any. Scene transitions will be added later in the development process if your script is purchased.
pg.4 Aside from the formatting errors, this is off to a great start.
pg.5 "Hindsight is only twentytwenty
through the lens of regret." Nice.
pg.7 There's an extra space between "A BOY and his MOTHER walk out the doors, hand in hand." and the scene heading that follows it.
pg. 24 Still going strong!
pg. 47 I'm now thinking this seige has gone on too long. Jack should have packed up and headed elsewhere by now, as this is becoming repititive in theme.
pg.50 "I might hit someone innocent." I think you should cut this line. If he believes he could be the last man alive, and hasn't seen any other uninfected people since the beginning, the thought of hitting an innocent person should not cross his mind. At this point, EVERYONE is out to get him from his perspective.
pg.52 "Jack rushes in to find a PACK OF THE THINGS approaching his
daughter’s THUMPING coffin." How did they get in if he has his windows and everything boarded up? The only way in would be the door he just came out of, so that means the things would have had to sneak into the house behind him, but then, they would have just attacked him from behind instead. Plus, they would have to have been close enough that Emily would have been twitching before he even went outside.
pg.74 "Jack suddenly awakes" I've passed a couple of these already, but it should be 'awakens' instead of 'awakes'.
pg.83 "The door opens, spilling light into the pitch black room." If it's pitch black, how was Jack able to see the man he was talking to? Also, the movie screen would be blank for a couple of minutes while they talk.
Also, "(Indicating Rick)" should be on a dialogue line by itself and indented, not flush left.
pg."Hey! Hey! More meat this way!" Oh man, this is awesome.
pg.88 "He takes a bone saw and saws at his chains." That saw would be dull in seconds. Instead of chains, I'd say stick to a fabric, like nylon straps which are super strong, but can still be cut through.
-------------------------------------------------
Okay, despite not being much a fan of this genre, I like this script. My main issues with it are, for one, that Jack stays in his house for too long before leaving, as I mentioned already.
I think the voice-over was well done, but Jack just needs to be a little more active throughout. Give him a goal other than surviving to protect his dead daughter, before he hears the voice on the radio calling him to the church, then when he does hear the voice, getting to the church becomes a new goal, and a better one than he had before. Whatever you do, get him out of the house sooner.
Also, I have no problem with him turning into one of them and being captured, but I think there should be one last big escape before that happens. I.E., an extension of what you have now, where he escapes the church and the town as well, followed by the increasingly desperate creatures, due to a lack of food, instead of hanging around there and being found. It's an anti-climactic way to end. It would be better if he were outside battling the things and barely making it as he flees the town, then hears a helicopter in the distance and maybe creates an explosion to attract the pilot's attention, running toward his salvation, only to find out then once he's aboard that his last ditch effort to break free was all for naught. Much more exciting that way. Perhaps even, when he reaches the helicopter, he hasn't been bit yet, but the army dudes think he has because of all the blood and wounds on him, so they throw him into the back with another creature and it is then that he is finally bitten. The irony would be sweet.
It seems odd that the creatures would be able to catch a bird, then bite it without injuring it so badly that it could still somehow get around and infect other birds. Perhaps you could explain the birds' absence as an avoidance of the smells of death. They won't come anywhere near the city. Also, perhaps when Jack is trekking along, he could see one of those birds he hasn't come across for so long and it could have a profound impact on him as he admires its beauty, after thinking there were none left. Just an idea.
If the survivors in the church had plans to cut Jack's arms and legs off all along, why did they bother letting him go once he was feeling better? It doesn't make sense. They should have put him straight into the room with Rick from the start. They had to know he was going to rebel. Plus, he is told that it is not a sacrifice they wouldn't all make, yet none of them are missing any limbs. Perhaps they were just lying to try to convince him, but I can't believe that they would think that they would actually succeed in doing so. The whole secrecy thing and the way it was revealed before they locked him up wasn't as well written as the rest of the story anyway. I think you need to rewrite that part heavily.
If the infected people are still fully conscious in their own bodies, they would be much more intelligent about the ways in which they would set up traps for the survivors, instead of just standing outside the house like ordinary zombies waiting for a chance to get in. They did start throwing objects and the like, but they should be even smarter than that. For the stories sake, perhaps you need to make them less conscious somehow.
I'm not a fan of the title. It seems more fit for a psychological thriller.
Virtually no spelling/grammatical errors. I appreciate that!
Lastly, I see that if you remove all of the CUT TO's, you will probably be under 90 pages. Is that why you put them in there? If you extend the ending as I suggested, and add a title page, it should make up the difference.
Concept: Average
Characters: Good
Dialogue: Good
Story: Good
Structure: Good
Overall: Good
I guess that does it. Let me know if you have any questions.
Write on... read -
A review of The Mirror in the Cellar (V2)by kepow on 04/12/2010...that's okay, 'cause so are you; we've broke our mirrors (Lithium - Nirvana) Hey Aaron! Man, what a relief to get a script from a really good writer in my assignment box! Then again, if I did more reviews, that might happen more often, haha. Anyway, I'll start with my page notes and give you a summary at the end, as I usually do. Also, since I predict few spelling/grammatical/format... ...that's okay, 'cause so are you; we've broke our mirrors (Lithium - Nirvana)
Hey Aaron!
Man, what a relief to get a script from a really good writer in my assignment box! Then again, if I did more reviews, that might happen more often, haha.
Anyway, I'll start with my page notes and give you a summary at the end, as I usually do.
Also, since I predict few spelling/grammatical/format errors, I'll be nit-picky and point out any little thing I think you could do to make the script stronger. Ignore suggestions at will.
-------------------------------------------------
pg.3 It seems to me like Todd should be the adult's name, and Daniel should be the child's name. As an adult, Daniel would most likely go by Dan, with Daniel being the formal name that only his parents and business associates would call him. His parents might also call him Danny.
Also, "Daddy? Where's Mommy going?" In my experience, once a kid hits about 6, they taper off with calling their parents "Mommy" or "Daddy" and just use "Mom" and "Dad" instead. Todd's lines here make him sound about 4-5 years old, instead of 7.
pg. 8 "Funny, Mom used to say the same thing
about you." Ouch! Good line.
Also, "All her photos are gone." Instead of having him make a simple observation, how about making it an accusation, like, "Did you burn all of her pictures?" This adds to the tension and still tells us that the pictures are out of sight.
pg.12 Jeff glances at the newspaper on his desk. He deftly covers
the article titled: "Marshal writer returns to his roots." LOL
pg.13 "The day you graduated?" LOL again.
Also, "I'd hardly call a column and a couple
books famous." I think that "call a column" may be difficult to understand when spoken. Seems like one of those moments where you turn to your friend in the theatre and ask, "What'd he say?" How about, "A column and a couple of books is hardly famous." ?
pg.16 "Daniel and Todd walk the sidewalk." how about 'stroll' the sidewalk, so you don't repeat 'walk'?
pg.18 "Dad? When's mommy coming home?" Being 7, Todd has to know that something big is happening between his parents, so this question again makes him seem younger than his age, especially since his mom is the one who is at home, and he and his dad have left. This would be a question for a 5 year old who wouldn't yet understand the ramifications of the situation.
pg.23 "Jan didn't consider this." You're likely to be reprimanded for this unfilmable by other reviewers, but I think it's a funny "Ruh-roh." moment.
pg.27 "Daniel glances at the mirror, then back at his dad" Needs a period.
Also "It's his senior photo: Daniel
with a mullet." Funny!
pg.33 "You (You'd) be surprised at what I imagined this day would be like."
Also, "It's probably his diet. Try switching
foods." Actually, I've heard that with Chinchilla's, you are not supposed to switch their diet. It can cause a rectal prolapse and then they die.
pg.35 "Daniel half looks at the Todd and his fish." Don't need 'the' in that sentence.
Also, Daniel's dialogue is sounding appropraite for his age now.
pg.37 "The 50's diner looks like, well...a 50's diner." Haha, nice!
pg.48 "I had to help raise a barn before they'd give me directions." Nice.
pg.49/50 Nice dialogue.
pg.51 The limp Daniel acquires when the table breaks; I expected George to notice it later, but he didn't. **This could tie in to my suggestion about George finding out sooner what Daniel is up to - see notes at the end**
pg.55 "George and Todd walk down the sidewalk." As before, I would change 'walk' or 'sidewalk' to something else.
pg.66 JANICE
It's okay to eat fish. They don't
have any feelings.
DANIEL
Kurt Cobain.
Nirvana rules!!
pg.71 "I can see it (in/on) your face."
pg.78 "Because it doesn't exist on this
side anymore." Ooooh.
pg.83 "We were able (to) identify the Gentleman
driving the car,"
pg.86 "Janice tries to puts (put) her hand through a piece of the mirror."
pg.89 "It's okay. That just means I get to
spend more time with you, Dad." Now Todd's previous comment on page 18, "Dad? When's mommy coming home?" really seems out of place, since it's apparant that Jan was such a terrible mother that her own son doesn't care if she dies. However, I think Todd should show at least a little remorse, because even children abused and beaten by their parents typically still love them, despite having every reason not to.
pg.90 "Daniel looks (at) the magazine."
Nice touch, having Daniel keep a fragment of the mirror.
Also, I didn't pay attention to how many days passed since Diane found out that her husband was coming home, but shouldn't he and Daniel have met at some point? I could be wrong.
-------------------------------------------------
To be honest, I wish this story had gone in a slightly different direction in the end. I think there would be much more emotional conflict (drama) if George found out sooner, that Daniel was sneaking off through the mirror and in the meantime also had a personal run-in with Jan#1 where she is a real bitch to him (looking for Daniel to get him to sign over custody, perhaps, before she resorts to the P.I. later), and at some point George speaks with Margret about breaking the mirror (an apology and explanation, because he wants to stop Daniel from making a mistake) and she convinces him that perhaps the real mistake is to not let Daniel and Todd both have a better life with a wife/mother who is actually there for them and loves them, instead of cutting it off by breaking the mirror and leaving Daniel in the situation that they are both in, single and their children missing a parent. George then goes out and kills Jan#1 before Daniel can get there to do it himself. The cops take Daniel to I.D. the body, he doesn't, they let him go saying, we'll be in touch and later, the cops show up and take George away for murder (much to Daniel's surprise), but Daniel then brings Jan #2 through the mirror and the case against George has to be dropped because the victim is suddenly alive and they live happily ever after. Perhaps the two families (Margret and Diane/ George and Daniel) could even visit each other and become close, like the family they never fully had, secretly meeting in the cellar at the end. Of course, there would be a problem with there being 2 Todd's, but Todd #2 could be a girl instead, and then that problem would be solved.
I know that George basically says that Daniel can't have a relationship with anyone on the other side of the mirror, but why not? What are the consequences of it? I don't see any, so I have to wonder why George and Margret never got together after their spouses died. With my suggestion, you would have to come up with a reason that George and Margret didn't get together sooner, but I'm sure it could be done.
There's another possibility that you set up and didn't use, which is that when Daniel was young and his hamster (Harvey) died, his parents replaced it with another (Harriet) and you could potentially have Daniel do this to Todd with Jan#2 and his real mother, though he would actually notice the difference in her behavior, but when it becomes apparant that he knows what happened (maybe George tells him on the fishing trip), he decides to accept Jan#2 as his mother anyway, because she actually cares about him. Normally this would be a tough sell, convincing your audience that Todd would really ditch all affection for his real mother for someone else, but in this case, because Jan#2 is a mirror image of his real mother, I think it's totally believable.
I'm not trying to write your story for you, but I feel the way you have it now, there isn't enough of an emotional rollercoaster. When Daniel set off to kill Jan#1, that was riveting, but then nothing really happened and it faded away.
Also, Jan#1 is unlikeable enough that I don't want her to come around. It would be much more satisfying if she went away completely (died) and was replaced with the Jan#2 who is completely the opposite and very likeable. That would be a real happy ending and also have much more of a "Holy crap" impact in the end.
Either way, I really like the concept, but I think it needs more excitement (conflict).
Well, I hope that helped and feel free to contact me with any questions you may have. We can talk about it some more when you're here in 3 weeks, too.
Concept: Excellent
Story: Good
Characters: Good
Structure: Good
Dialogue: Good
Overall: Good
Thanks for the easy review.
Write on, Aaron! read -
A review of Boosters (Rev1)by kepow on 07/05/2009I think this concept and the world you've created is pretty cool. This is one of the more visualy-written stories I've read, and it was done quite nicely. At the same time, a lot of the action was visually directed as well, and I'm thinking a director would be a little perturbed by that encroachment on his territory. Anyway, here are my page notes with a summary at the end:... I think this concept and the world you've created is pretty cool.
This is one of the more visualy-written stories I've read, and it was done quite nicely. At the same time, a lot of the action was visually directed as well, and I'm thinking a director would be a little perturbed by that encroachment on his territory.
Anyway, here are my page notes with a summary at the end:
pg.7 "A THREE POUND BLOODY POT ROAST, perched atop her head." Hahaha, wtf?
pg.9 I noticed your secondary scene headings are triple-spaced like the master scene headings. According to my Screenwriter's Bible, you only need to double space them, which could save you a couple of pages on your script length.
Also, "...CRASH into a display of anti freeze." Antifreeze? In a grocery store? Maybe you need to make it a supercentre (but please don't pick Wal-Mart, they're evil). ;) ***EDIT*** I was at the grocery store today and sure enough, they have a tiny automotive section with oil and antifreeze and so on. Who knew?
pg.11 "TWO VAPOR TRAILS move out from behind each ear - emitted by
commercial aircraft, miles away."
Neat visual.
Also, INT. STORE SECURITY OFFICE - DAY
That brief scene feels disconnected and out of place.
pg.12 "Yeah, Merry fucking Christmas to
you to (too).
Also, "Manny is hand-balming boxes..." It's actually, "hand-bombing".
pg.21 "...sixty-mile-per/hour..." You only need either "per" or "/" in there, not both. They mean the same thing.
Also, INT. SOCCER CITY
Shouldn't this place have some corporate name as well? And when Zarek answers his phone, there could be an advertisement on the jumbo-tron saying, "Zarek uses ______ mobile. You should, too!"
pg.22 "Judas fucking priest! Which one of
you said that?" I don't get it. There's only one dude (Naked Guy) standing directly behind him, right? I don't see how he would be confused.
pg.23 "(whispered)" is formatted as dialogue.
pg.24 "(eyeing the civic)" Civic
pg.31 "...Jimmy’s Rebocks,..." Reeboks. Or are they supposed to be knock-offs?
pg.33 "You raid a Chuck E Cheese before
hitting the shooting gallery?" lol
pg.50 "A drop of BLOOD plops into a puddle next to his" Next to his, what?
pg.51 "Along the torso of a clothed MANNEQUIN, seven SILVER BELLS
dangle on the edge of seven pockets."
Where have I seen something like this before? It's cool, though.
Also, "INT. CONVENIENCE STORE - NIGHT (PRESENT)
A HAND opens a glass fridge door. It’s counterpart removes a
stack of WIENER PACKS."
Like the previous scene I pointed out, this one seems out of place as well.
pg.53 "Only - have to be - faster - than
you." Hahahaha!
pg.54 "...at the base of the FENCE (.)"
Also, "Paco get’s (gets) between them."
pg.56 "Car." lol
pg.61 "(reluctantly)" formatted as dialogue.
pg.70 "Jesus, there has to be somewhere" ...else?
pg.71 "CRASSHHH! Fletcher gets tackled by one of the boys. They both" They both, what?
pg.82 "Paco and Fletcher half" Half, what?
pg.90 "KEEP TWO SWOOSHES APART" Damn. Very inventive.
pg. 91 "I owe you Carry (Carrie)."
pg.92 Two parentheticals formatted as dialogue on this page.
pg.98 "Ever wonder why they
would design a building in such a" Shape?
pg.107 I'm not sure what's happening here exactly. From what I gather, Paco was driving towards the train. He drove off of the tracks, turned around (I assume) and now has the train behind him, as he goes back the way he came. Then, there's a parked commuter train ahead, which he narrowly misses, by switching tracks, right? But, how did the train behind him not slam into the commuter train, then?
pg.108 "With a second to spare, they screams (scream) past..."
pg.114 "Zarek’s lifeless HAND is" ...is what?
----------------------------------------------
The ending puzzles me. I'm guessing Paco wanted to fly like an angel, as part of a lost childhood dream, but was he committing suicide? There was no mention of a parachute. It seemed he was going to have a relationship with Fletcher. Why would he abandon that? Perhaps the answers were subtle and I missed them.
As I mentioned, the writing was very visual and I enjoyed that. There were a lot of things I'd never "seen" before, like the Zarek stopping the game to answer a phone call, for example. I remarked upon a few of the others above.
The Lucille and Lucenda characters have too-similar names, which sent me back to the beginning to make sure it wasn't Lucenda that had been in the grocery store, boosting the meat and canned goods.
I think that there is too much set-up in the beginning. The story really kicks off when Zarek finds his out his truck has been jacked, on page 22. Prior to that, Paco does not have any goals, which is needed to give your characters more drive and get us interested in what they're trying to do. At the same time, his goal is only to get his hands on Zarek's car, but that's kind of weak, since he could just go out and steal one for himself at any time. It can't be the only modified Civic around.
I'd like to see the product advertising taken even further, like I suggested with Zarek's phone call. Perhaps the freeways could be lined with so many billboards and other forms of advertising, that drivers almost literally have to dodge them as they drive? Like banners that drop down from freeway signs whenever a car approaches, or whatever. Just really throw it in their faces at every step, like The golden arches over the freeway and swooshes on the pavement, which were great.
The theft of the big rig which kicks off the whole frenzy to steal the replacement goods was never explained. Who were those people and why did they leave so much product on the truck? I almost forgot about it, though, so maybe most people will, and it won't need an explanation.
Plus, how did Paco's group fit everything into the van? Perhaps they need a cube van instead.
Well, that concludes my opinion. I hope it helped.
If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.
Write on... read -
A review of Liberty Shieldby kepow on 06/28/2009Hello. This is pretty good for a first draft of your first screenplay. Much better than my first draft was, that's for sure. I pointed out most, but not all of the spelling and grammatical errors in my page notes below, and a summary at the end: pg.4 "It’s Agent Carlos Soto, 50, his boss. 4." I'm guessing that number four at the end there was supposed to be the page count... Hello.
This is pretty good for a first draft of your first screenplay. Much better than my first draft was, that's for sure.
I pointed out most, but not all of the spelling and grammatical errors in my page notes below, and a summary at the end:
pg.4 "It’s Agent Carlos Soto, 50, his boss. 4."
I'm guessing that number four at the end there was supposed to be the page count.
Also, later on the page, you have "GREGORY SOTO, 50" and I'm not sure if you changed his name, or if it really is two different characters with the same last name.
pg.6 "Tires SQUEAL as the (they) peel out."
pg.7 I think a lot of the dialogue so far could be tweaked to sound more realistic. As it is, it's very proper, but people don't typically speak that way, especially when they're in an urgent situation. For example, Soto says:
"Take the stairs." but all he really has to say is, "Stairs!" The other guys would still get the point, and he wouldn't waste the extra breath, which he needs since he's running full tilt.
Then, "The elevator stopped on the mezzanine." same thing here. All he has to say is, "Mezzanine!" It's more realistic, the exclamation mark adds urgency, and you save yourself a line, which would help shorten your sp which is fairly long and difficult to convince people to read. (I have a 117 pager, so I know how it goes!)
pg.11"He looks into Curtis’ eyes and points to his own head. Curtis nods, knowingly."
Perhaps it will be revealed later, or I just missed it, but I don't understand the significance of Clark's gesture here.
Also, Clark's actions seem odd, basically throwing his life away like that. Seems he could have found a better way to get the shooter.
Also, "TAMRARA LOGAN," Extra "r" in there.
pg.12 There are also a lot of "orphans", as they call them. A word ending a sentence which is on a line by itsefl, such as this one:
"Soto emerges from his office and motions for Curtis to come
in."
If you change it to, "...motions for Curtis to enter." you will save yourself another line, and if you can clean up most of them, you'll probably save yourself a couple of pages.
pg.13 "Deveroux Franklin, forties," Should be introduced in CAPS and write his age numerically, to be consistant with what you did for the other characters.
pg.15 "...you would (have) found out."
Also, "...or my friends or my of god damned..."
pg.18 "...and way to (too) much jewelry."
pg.19 "...going to we want to take to court."
pg.20 :They’ll (There'll) be no living with
him..."
pg.21 "This was (a) waste of..."
pg.22 If the interrogation was over, why did Curtis bother to write down "Wado" and hold it up for them to see if he was going to be speaking with them in just a few moments?
pg.30 "Right around there." Hah! Funny.
pg.31 Good action on these pages.
Also, "A GUNSHOTS rip open holes..."
pg.32 "takes (Takes) out a tire,"
Also, "...who’s (whose) property you
blew to smithereens."
pg. 34"...spineless nuts (nut) sack that he is..."
pg.36 "I don’t think that’s gonna be in the dossier."
Would she really say "gonna"? Seems out of character to me.
pg.38 "...agency wasn’t redundant or that you were (under)qualified to run it."
pg.39 "His team, including Lorenzo, Marks, Genaro and Natalie..." In the action lines, you should refer to your characters by the name with which they speak, because otherwise it is confusing to the reader. Lorenzo speaks as Curtis, so that's how you should refer to him (and do, most of the time). If another character wants to address him as Lorenzo, then that's fine, but remain consistant.
pg.40 "What about the van? How far were
you able to track it.
NATALIE
They ditched it once the helicopter
went down. Drove to a shopping
mall, I’m sure you can figure the
rest."
Continuity error? I don't remember a helicopter going down.
From page 32 "The Tac-Team member (who is in the helicopter, right?) lines up a shot. takes out a tire, then
another. The van swerves and rolls over, sending it careening
into a light pole. The van EXPLODES."
pg.43 "So you think you’ve got a handle (on)
things, eh?"
pg.45 "to (To) say nothing of the fact that..."
pg.49 These action lines are formatted as Natalie's dialogue:
"Natalie puts him on hold
and heads across the room. She
finds Genaro."
pg.50 "Eleanor and Curtis take the
place in a (and) they walk through."
pg.51 An example of on-the-nose dialogue:
CURTIS
Someone’s here.
ELEANOR
The question is who?
Really, they don't need to say anything at all. They hear the sound, they look at each other, and then they creep toward it. Speaking only gives away their position.
Also, after all of the hoopla trying to figure out by satelitte whether or not there was anyone in the building and concluding that there wasn't, there's someone there after all? I think you spent too much time with that. You could just have Natalie check quickly, tell them it's clear and leave it at that. But really, I'm guessing you're trying to build tension with this scene, but it doesn't work because Curtis and Eleanor are not ambushed, and even if they were, it would be too obvious, because of the "all clear" set-up. We just know there's going to be someone inside.
pg.51 "He sneaks close to the men..." Need to introduce the MEN sooner. Last I knew, they just heard a noise and didn't know what it was yet.
Also, "Not bad, kid." Too many characters say, "kid". That's a charfacter trait which should be limited to one character only. Otherwise, all of your characters start to sound the same.
pg.53 Paranthetical formatted as dialogue on this page.
Also, "...they’re to (too) laid back."
pg.54 "...as bullets wiz, carom, and clank..." Carom? Sent me for a dictionary.
Also, "...she turns an (and) belts him."
pg.55 "...Eleanor peaks behind them." Wrong "peaks". You need this one, "peeks".
pg.59 "This definitely ain’t standard issue."
Another example of what I think is out of character for her. She might say, "Definitely not standard issue." but would she care about that when they're fleeing for their lives?
pg.61 "...goes back though (through) the divider..."
Also, "...Gaines, late thirties, Caucasian." Need CAPS and numerical age again.
pg."Lorenzo walks past him and into traffic. He FIRES
wildly into the air. Cars stop all around him."
Seems traffic would already be at a standstill, or barely crawling, due to the pile-up incurred when the semi was blown up with the RPG.
Either way, I think he'd have to point his gun AT the drivers to get them to stop.
pg. 62 "Stay put, were (we're) on our way."
pg.63 "...cleared it out Twenty (twenty) minutes ago."
pg.64 "If i (I) asked..."
pg.73 "...joins the other (others), already assemble (assembled)."
pg.75 "...people who’s (whose) ear drums you
blew..."
pg.80 "... I defy you." Great line.
pg.84 "What did they give them anyway." ?
Also, "...they’re demand(ing) half of earth’s..."
pg.85 "She hits him with another. Curtis gets up
Ow, alright, look, what do want me
to say?"
Action and dialogue mixed up.
pg.87 "...not some crank call." He knows it's a secure line, or whatever, because of the earlier scene where he was trying to have it tapped, why would he think it's a crank call now?
pg.90 "How much you want to be (bet)..."
Also, "lets look at who died in
the Capitol today.
GENARO
Ted Moorehouse, Belinda Fienstein,
Brody Fogle..."
When did this happen? I may have missed it.
pg.93 "...(To Marks)
Get whatever’s left (of) the Tac-Team..."
Also, I notice that sometimes you capitalize the first word in the parenthetical, like "To" in this case, and sometimes you don't. I vote for not capitalizing any of them.
Also, "...walk to toward their SUVs..."
pg.94 "...what’s the going on here?"
pg.95 "I wonder if Thomas Gaines feels the
same way." How does he know about that? He just revealed himself.
pg.99 "MEZANINE (MEZZANINE) LEVEL - CONTINUOUS"
pg.103 "...gingerly walks up (to) the receptionist..."
pg.106 "...as I have read the (them) to you!" Also needs a question mark.
Also, "She’s hit in (the) shoulder."
pg.107 "An agent agent waiting for..."
pg.108 "Wind WHIPS." Wind whips what?
Also, "An agent unclips the Helicopter’s safety tether." Safety tether? If that's what I think it is, they wouldn't have had time or reason to put one on.
Also, "Try’s (Tries) to think fast."
pg.113 "Even if it means betraying your
country?
SENATOR CLARK
(beat)
Yeah..."
He was really upset when called a traitor earlier, but now agrees that he is one?
Also, "...you’ve been for (the) last ten minutes..."
pg.114 "Day’s (Days) have passed." Actually, that should be put in the scene header, I believe. If you need the audience to know it, you could use "SUPER: 3 DAYS LATER" if you can't find a better way.
pg.118 "...he was small enough not (to) be..."
-------------------------------------------------
Like I said, well done for a first draft of a first script.
I do have a number of big reservations, however.
I feel that the whole part about the rogue agent(s) getting bitched out by their superiors for blowing shit up, and being threatened with removal, or actually being removed from the case, but perservering anyway and coming through in the end, has been done too many times. I think the Lethal Weapon movies did it very well, but since then it has become too cliche. A recent movie, The International, starring Clive Owen, falls into this same trap, and it doesn't work for me.
I think you need to find a way to make this much more compelling and original, because at present, it's all too familiar.
The romance, if you can call it that, between Natalie and Lorenzo is very subtle, which is different, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand, I like that it's different. On the other, I feel it lacks drama, since there doesn't seem to be a deep affection between them.
I pointed out some problems with the characters as well, such as too many of them speaking in a similar manner. The most original character had to be Wado, oddly enough. His V.O. was very fresh and I think that part of the script was my favorite. By the way, every time I read his name I thought of Waldo, from those Where's Waldo? books and puzzles.
Overall, I give this one averages, but again, you did very well for your first shot at it.
Hopefully that will help for your first rewrite, and if you have any questions, feel free to contact me with them.
Write on... read -
A review of Old Man Strengthby kepow on 06/24/2009Hello. When I got this assignment and saw the picture of the baseball players, I thought this was going to have a strong sports theme, so I was surprised to find that it did not, and in addition, actually had nothing to do with baseball at all. Anyway, here are the notes I made as I read. pg.2 I can't figure out what's happening here: NINA Come. Chett grins. He opens... Hello.
When I got this assignment and saw the picture of the baseball players, I thought this was going to have a strong sports theme, so I was surprised to find that it did not, and in addition, actually had nothing to do with baseball at all.
Anyway, here are the notes I made as I read.
pg.2 I can't figure out what's happening here:
NINA
Come.
Chett grins.
He opens the shower door.
INT. HOME - BEDROOM - DAY
NINA HAMMER, 45, thin figure, sits on the bed in her bra with
a towel on her bottom.
A STUD, 24, hair wet, walks out.
She stops and kisses the Stud.
What I think I understand is, Nina is in the shower, Chett enters the room, she invites him into the shower with her, then, suddenly, we're in the bedroom and some young guy comes out of the bathroom (and shower, I assume) and Chett is also now in the bedroom.
So, was Nina not talking to Chett when she said "Come"? Was the young guy in the shower with her? Was she talking to him? I still don't know.
pg.9 During this exchange...
DALE
Oh yeah. That was fun.
BENNY
Calm down, Dale.
...I feel Benny's dialogue does not fit. There is no indication that Dale was at all upset, so it doesn't make sense that Benny would tell him to calm down.
pg.15 Here's another part that could use more clarity.
He walks past Benny’s room and waves.
BENNY
Do it big, Chett.
Chett stops. He walks into Benny’s room.
CHETT
Let’s hope so.
BENNY
Wait.
Chett stands in the room.
If you had Benny shout "Stop!" as soon as Chett sets foot in the room, and then ask him to remove his footwear, it would make sense sooner. As it is now, when I read, "Wait." I thought, "Wait for what? He didn't indicate that he was going to leave." I had to read it a couple of times, give up trying to figure it out, and then read on before it became clear what was happening.
Also, there is a lot of repitition with "room" being in there 3 times.
pg.16 Another example:
"PJ, Benny, and Dale sit on a green SUV."
We need more info. Is the SUV driving down the road like Chett is? Is it parked in the ditch or somewhere near the road? Again, I figured it out later when Elena climbed out, since it would have to be parked or she'd have some serious road rash. heheh
Also,
CHETT
You don’t have a spare and a jack?
PJ
Who said that?
CHETT
So?
????
Anyway, I think you get the point now, so I'll let you find the rest during your next rewrite.
pg.19 Here's another example of repitition and how you can re-word it:
A KNOCK at the door.
Chett walks over and opens the door.
Try, "There's a knock at the door. Chett opens it."
Being that you just mentioned a knock at the door, it makes sense that the "it" in my example which, Chett opens afterward, would be the door, so you don't have to mention it twice.
Also, avoid descriptions like "walk" or "sits" or "stands" as much as you can or replace them with more intersting bits like, "He saunters across the room" or "He plops himself down on the couch" or "She jumps to her feet." etc.
pg.21 "At least you have a job. More than
I can say right now."
Chett asked for the time off of work, but now he's making it sound like he was fired.
pg.22 Elena looks at a yoga class.
ELENA
I’ll try this class.
PJ
I may have to watch.
Elena grins.
PJ
A lot of hot girls in that class.
Elena’s grin lessens. She walks into the class.
"Class" x4.
I'll let you find the rest of the repititive words also.
pg.23 "Chett gives PJ a dirty look."
I wasn't aware that Chett was in this scene until now. He never indicated whether or not he was interested in joining her for a workout, so when he suddenly speaks here, it's a bit of a surprise. It needs to be set up earlier in the scene, that he is there as well. He could be watching the yoga class with Elena, for example. I found this problem sprinkled throughout the scrrenplay.
pg.39 "Plus, I want you (to) know this..."
Also, "Elena and Chett sit in the room." Doing what? Are they playing a video game again, maybe?
pg.44 "We have a super, you know?" A super what?
pg.55 "Elena walks with two ices." Did you mean icees?
pg.64 "How are the
fuck you still living with him?" "are" and "the" need to be rearranged in that sentence.
pg.85 Here's a good example of action lines that are under-written:
EXT. COLLEGE CAMPUS - DAY
Chett walks with Kent.
Describe the campus a little. Are there other people around? Does it have trees? Are they walking on a pathway? etc.
-------------------------------------------------
That's it for the page notes. A few more things:
I found the characters to be quite one-dimensional. Especially PJ. Working out, staring at himself in the mirror and hunting girls, is all that he does.
Dale is just gay, but does have a character arc, and a huge amount of the dialogue revolves around him being gay, which is nothing new these days and thus, lacks entertainment or shock value.
It's not very often I say this, but I believe this script is vastly UNDER-written. There were numerous times where I found descriptions lacking and couldn't quite grasp exactly what was transpiring. I gave an example or two.
Really, what I think you have here, is a short story that has been stretched beyond its limits to reach screenplay length, which makes the story the weakest link in the whole screenplay.
I think it has a lot to do with the lack of an active protagonist. He needs goals to strive for. As it is, he's just along for the ride. It's always PJ challenging Chett and Chett keeps beating him at everything, but beating a guy half his age in a challenge is not Chett's goal (despite what the synopsis says), so we're never left wondering if he will succeed or fail and because of that, it doesn't matter to us (the audience).
You might look into a book called, "Story" by Robert Mckee, or "Save the Cat" by Blake Snyder to help you out with the story issues. I've never read them, personally, but I hear they are very helpful.
If you have any questions, feel free to contact me through my profile.
Good luck and write on...
read -
A review of Pony Expressby kepow on 06/08/2009Hello. I'm a fan of Westerns and I was pleased to see this pop up in my assignment box. I make my notes as I go, and then offer a few more thoughts at the end, if I have any. Here they are: pg.5 "elaborately clothed manikin." mannequin pg.6 Some of the actions described throughout these first few pages aren't really necessary, and you could shorten a lot of your actions... Hello. I'm a fan of Westerns and I was pleased to see this pop up in my assignment box.
I make my notes as I go, and then offer a few more thoughts at the end, if I have any. Here they are:
pg.5 "elaborately clothed manikin." mannequin
pg.6 Some of the actions described throughout these first few pages aren't really necessary, and you could shorten a lot of your actions lines by editing them. Take this, for example:
"Johnny leads the unsaddled horses to the coral, opens a gate and lets them inside. Johnny closes the gate, walks around the perimeter of the fence. He spots a MUSTANG PONY idly grazing inside. Johnny stares at the pony, admires
her."
You could write: "Johnny leads the unsaddled horses into the corral and locks them inside. He walks around the fence perimeter and spots a MUSTANG PONY. He admires her, grazing idly."
As written, you have 41 words. My (imperfect) example uses only 28. The fact that he has to open and close the gate for the horses is implied by the fact that he locked them inside, so there's no need to put it into so many words, which, in turn, will drop one or two lines from the length of your screenplay. Not that it's too long, but it will read better without the mundane descriptions like this one. (imo)
pg.14 Here, instead of writing (in Paiute Indian) each time they speak, which takes up a lot of space and is redundant, you could just write it once in the action lines before they speak: "They speak in Paiute Indian" and you're done.
Some people also like to put the dialogue in italics, to distinguish between it and the language that the majority of the dialogue is spoken in.
Also, "The White Man has extended his line of
fake trees and wire..."
Would they know what wire is? Or might "metal rope" or something along those lines be better?
pg.24 "...one hand on he reins." the
pg.25 "Smoke bellows into the sky," billows
pg.26 "...dismount and wonder around with their
weapons drawn." wander
pg.29"watches the grave being filed." filled
pg.32 "I will I conduct myself honestly"
pg.41 "(MOS)" What does that mean? Something about Off Screen?
pg.42 "manikins" mannequins
pg.46 "more sweet virgins than you’ve had hot
diners." dinners
pg.48"(distant)" Needs to be formatted differently. It's flush with the dialogue, but needs to be indented.
PG.51 "...waive back to Johnny." wave
Also, "...wagon into he compound..." the
pg.52 "He waives at the new arrivals..." waves
Also, "STERLING
That’s my boy.
(to Alex)
For medicinal purposes."
I believe that should be SAM speaking.
Also, "You hear to be my nurse maid?" here
pg.56"...hot coals inside he grate." the
pg. 58"...opens the window shutters, jumps outside." I think he should walk out calmly. If he came charging out like that, they'd probably get spooked and shoot him.
pg.59 I think that Eagle Feather should walk his horse closer to Johnny before Johnny says that he's a messenger and doesn't want to fight. Otherwise, I don't think that Johnny has enough of a reason to believe that they intend to kill him, based on their casual conversation and non-threatening stances (the gun was not yet pointed at Alex). But, if Eagle Feather proclaimed that he was a warrior and then came closer, Johnny would have reason to believe he was about to die.
pg.60 "We are on the trail to our new camp past
Eagle Mountain."
Would it be wise for him to divulge the location of their new camp?
pg.62 "That’s when aunt Helen takes me in." took
Also, I realise that this is a necesary explanation for Alex dressing like a man, but I think that she offers it up too easily. If you had Johnny demand to know why she acts the way she does, and say that he's going to tell the sheriff about the attempted rape if she doesn't spill the beans, then it would make sense to me. Although, this scene may not be the time and place for it, but I don't think it feels right now, either.
Also, "Johnny enters the coral (corral). He carries a saddle."
Here's another example of a place where you could tighten up the description. "Johnny carries a saddle into the corral." gives exactly the same amount of information, reads faster because it is one sentence, and has one less word.
Also, "Mornin', Beat." Beaut
pg.64 "...towards the coral gate." corral
pg.65 I think this scene would be more dramatically effective if Sterling did not say, "Do you mean to tell me that the Pony
Express is still operational?" which is expository and unnecessary anyway, and instead just sat there seething until the Chinaman offers the tea, at which point he abruptly swipes the cup out of his hand. It would have a better visual impact.
pg.66 "Why won't you let me ride?" I feel that the emotional connection between Alex and Johnny isn't strong enough for her to accept his request that she not ride. At this point, I still expected her to say something like, "Who are you to say I can't ride?" Her character has not effectively changed since the beginning, despite the scene at the outpost where she displays some emotion for him and the scene in the wagon where she spills her guts.
I think that the hard shell she displays toward him needs to start eroding back at the scene where he saves her from being raped. Clearly, she DID need a man's help and I think she should realise it and begin to change her attitude toward him then, which will allow you to effectively have her character change enough that by the time you get to this scene here where she promises to obey his wishes, it will feel right.
Since she witnessed her sister get raped at a young age, when Johnny saves her from a similar fate, it should strike a deep emotional cord within her and change the way she sees him.
After all, if something as profound to her, as him saving her from being raped, fails to change her perception of him, then why would anything else?
pg.70 I don't think Johnny would be able to ride up behind Newt without being noticed, unless perhaps Newt was somehow injured by one of the indians they attacked. Especially since they should be on their guard for the avenging war party and high-tailing it out of there. And when his horse whinnies, the other guys would hear it at only 50 yards for sure.
pg.78 "The secure sticks of DYNAMITE." They
Also, "...but there is no-where to go." nowhere
pg.83 "Is that wise?" I believe the Sheriff should know the answer to his own question.
pg.90 The dialogue is extremely expository on this page.
pg.95 "Two Indians rides past..." ride
Also, "One arrows slams into..." arrow
pg.100 I feel that there have been too many moments where someone is about to get hurt or killed and then there is a miraculous intervention at the last moment that spares them. Here is an example:
"Lucius puts his boot back on, draws his revolver and
aims...
STERLING (O.S.)
Lucius. Get out here."
There was another just before, where Johnny spotted the dynamite at the last second, etc.
pg.103 It’s a four minute fuse, Johnny... but
I can’t remember how long ago it (I) lit it."
Four minute fuse? Wouldn't that be a mile long? Also, wouldn't Johnny be able to see how much of the fuse is left? A stick of dynamite that might go off sometime in the next 4 minutes isn't much of a weapon.
pg.104 Johnny grabbing and throwing the dynamite into the cabin - nice move and nicely set up, too.
------------------------------------------------
In conclusion:
I think that the dialogue was primarily good throughout, but expository in places where the bad guys were explaining their reasons for what they were doing. Mostly, I don't think it needed that much explaining.
I think Alex acts far too immaturely for her age at times, like when Sam made a comment about her liking Johnny and she ran into the outhouse - very immature. When the indians showed up at the outpost and she freaked out, then squealed in delight like a little school girl and hugged him when they left. When she promises not to ride, but has her fingers crossed behind her back, etc.
I think that your characters need some work, as I pointed out.
The first 60ish pages seem to be worked out better than the remaining 50ish. Johnny's ability to overcome his numerous, seemingly insurmountable obstacles (surviving the drop from the bridge and being shot at afterward - why didn't they just shoot him first and be done with it?) wore on me after a while, especially after the attack on the indian camp where he tracks the gang down and takes them out one-by-one.
Well, I think that's all I've got. Good luck with our rewrite and feel free to contact me if you have any questions or concerns.
Write on...
read -
A review of The Good of the Many (rev1)by kepow on 09/23/2008Writer, that is. You did a great job with this script. Although there are a lot of flashbacks, I didn't get confused by any of them. I also didn't have a problem paying attention at any time, despite it's length, which I'm sure you will get complaints about (I always do) but not from me. Anyway, here are my page notes: pg.2 "GUYS WITH GUNS" Are they not soldiers? pg.7 You... Writer, that is. You did a great job with this script. Although there are a lot of flashbacks, I didn't get confused by any of them.
I also didn't have a problem paying attention at any time, despite it's length, which I'm sure you will get complaints about (I always do) but not from me.
Anyway, here are my page notes:
pg.2 "GUYS WITH GUNS" Are they not soldiers?
pg.7 You have a number of "sits" in here already. "Nathan sits..." "The teddy bear sits..." etc. Maybe replace some of those with, "The teddy bear rests..." and "Nathan plops down on the..." etc. It's also less mundane to read.
pg.9 There's an extra space between action lines and Nathan's dialogue when he asks, "What are you talking about?"
Also, "BEING (BEGIN) FLASHBACK"
pg.15 Nice betrayal there. Didn't see it coming.
pg.16 I was letting them slide at first, but I feel there is too much writer's intrusion. "things are already fucked up." The audience will know that without having it pointed out to them.
"...he enjoys this shit." That one is actually useful to an actor, so I'd leave it in, but comb through for the ones like I pointed out above that the audience can't see and help no one.
pg.17 "...she knew this would happen." That's another that helps no one and can't be shown by the actress or director.
pg.26 "This might just work." Same as above. I'll let you find the rest.
pg.28 "...who he is(.)"
Also, "..appear out the back window." Peer out the back window? Appear in the back window?
pg.29 "...make a phone call(.)"
pg.33 "...shaving off a rearview mirrow." Technically, that would be a side mirror. The rearview mirror is mounted to the inside center of the windshield.
Also, "Nathan gets the VW gets..."
pg.36 What some people (including me) do when a character is speaking in a different language, is mention it once in a parenthetical like you have, the first time that it is spoken, but then also italicise the German dialogue. From then on, all you have to do when they're speaking in German is italicise the dialogue and the reader will know what that means. You save space by not having to write (German) every time. Just the once.
pg.61 "Konrad’s answers his...."
pg.65 With Bruno, Patrice and Giant Buddy all out, are there any bodyguards left at the Eros Centre?
pg.71 "I though(t) they were..."
pg.73 "...watching a huge
astronomical clock." AstroloGical clock? Astronomically huge clock?
pg.74 "...wax and fire and shit..." You use shit a lot in your descriptive lines. In this instance especially, I would remove it. It doesn't fit right.
pg.80 "Sit down.
She sits – he sits..."
pg.89 "Why you’re doing all of this?"
pg.100 "Detective Ray talk(s) on..."
pg.101 "He seeks out Sergeant Helper,"
pg.103 "We were separated(.)"
pg.107 "It is almost immediately disappears..."
pg.117 I don't think you need Hannah's character to be sympathetic toward Andreas. And more importantly, I don't believe that her mother would let her be the last one out the door.
pg.118 You have Jolene talking to Mike on the phone in Kathy's house after they have been released by Andreas. Maybe the number Mike called could be Jolene's cell?
Okay, a few more notes:
In the beginning you have "The Plan", which I think will be misconstrued as a reality. What happens then is, the audience thinks they know the ending and so the real ending becomes somewhat anti-climactic. Also, when the terrorists fail to set off the bomb, a person almost feels robbed of that cool explosion they believed they were going to see again.
This might be cliche', but you could have Andreas wake from his sleep, sweaty, disturbed, after the opening bomb sequence and then it will be obscure, whether it was a dream or a nightmare. Something to consider, anyway.
The very last flashback feels out of place, since we already know everything that it shows. If you mixed it together with the previous one where Andreas watches his parents get shot, you could show the Aunt helping Konrad down from the wall, they hear yelling on the other side, his Aunt calls their names, two gunshots at which Konrad flinches and then silence while Konrad and his Aunt stare helplessly at the top of the wall. No need to show the guards approach the parents or Andreas because there were only two shots and so we already know that Andreas survived. I think the moment will be much more profound if you don't show it all.
Be sure to do a search or "find" to see just how many times you have characters "sit" and also how many times you write "shit" in the action lines. It's A LOT. There's also a lot of "shit"'s in the dialogue, which I'm not complaining about, by the way, but that made the ones in the action lines stick out even more.
That's all I can think of. If you have any questions, you know how to find me.
Again, well done and I hope to read more of your work in the future.
Write on... read
Comments About kepow 508
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ABRogers on 04/26/2011
kepow wrote:Yo, bring it!
I kinda brought it.
(at least to the poker table - shut up before you use the term "maximum power" when referring to my lack of cornholing skills, Power. I'll be practicing before I get back there...) -
ABRogers on 03/25/2011
kepow wrote:ABRogers wrote:Yeah - I'll take the poker and you get to cornhole...wait a second...
Where in all of this do I lose, again?
Oh-ho-ho! Don't underestimate me! I've been practicing the art of having tricks (and cards) up my sleeves and I will most definitely be forcing the other fellows into running elaborate cornholing plays that'll thwart all your attempts to kick my ass.
Yeah...who'm I kidding...I've been sitting on my fat ass talking shit for months...this is gonna be a win-win-win(-win?) for you, for sure. And the payback I'll give ya is that I'll actually move to your god-forsaken town and haunt these games until I overthrow you like a house of cards in a California quake (which sounds far scarier to me, I'm sure; Damn, I REALLY need to work on these. But, it *is* only midnight, so I *did* just wake up...naturally...) -
ABRogers on 03/25/2011
aww...*that's* now how it works; there's no payback involved here! I'll get back to you sooner and just let you beat me at cornholing. Yeah - I'll take the poker and you get to cornhole...wait a second... -
ABRogers on 03/24/2011
kepow wrote:I see that you are "Where the wild things are" which is misleading and I thought I should point that out, because when you are the wild thing, you are always where the wild things are. I see through you.
It's been 4 days and I haven't come up with a witty response to this, other than saying something along the lines of how, when I move out to LA and am amongst you people, I'll officially be able to renege that "location" and say I'm with the...boring things...or something. Yep - you did it - you officially broke my brain. I'm guessing you don't want me to write your notes in this state, which is, of course, the ONLY reason they'll be 10 months late this time. ;) -
jwest on 02/20/2011
Daww, spoiler sport. ;-p Fair enough.
Thanks and you. ;0) -
jwest on 02/19/2011
Haharrrrry. Can I just quote yours 800 times? ;)
Cheers, Kp! Have a fab weekend.
:D -
jwest on 12/10/2010
WOOOHOOOOOO ! Thank you kindly.
:D
Have a great weekend, KP! -
themanager on 10/06/2010
I don't think I can make it, but have fun!
: ) -
write4life on 10/04/2010
I am definitely showing up sometime somewhere. If I have to give an answer now I would say Friday night, and only Friday night, as it seems to fit my schedule the best. I have the numbers and will keep in touch. Hope this helps. Thank you. -
ABRogers on 10/01/2010
kepow wrote:Hey kitty-frog. Are you going to hop on over for this?:
http://bulletin.triggerstreet.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=50992&postdays=0&postorder=asc&start=0
Flights are pretty cheap... the whole gtg is a blast... I want to kick your ass at poker for all of the WT beatings you've handed down. :)
It's about time I responded to one of these. Especially since I'm bored and have nothing better to do. Better late than never, eh? ;)
I *know* you've been trying to get me out there for a gtg the past few years simply because you believe you're going to be able to throw me for a loop and "kick my ass" at poker. I thank you for your unwavering confidence simply because *I* know this will NEVER. HAPPEN. EEVVVEEERRR. (I obviously mean business, now!)
I'll see you at the tables, tables I'm sure you'll have built, sometime after 3/11. (well *that* sounds weird...) Ok. Sometime around 4/11. mm-hmm.
You can't tell me that "threat" of sorts didn't leave you cowering behind your camera in your white shirt. Yeah, I said it.
Until then, I'll be seeing you at the *virtual* tables.....!
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Comments About kepow 508
-
Quote
kepow wrote:
Yo, bring it!
-
Quote
kepow wrote:
ABRogers wrote:
Yeah - I'll take the poker and you get to cornhole...wait a second...
-
Quote
aww...*that's* now how it works; there's no payback involved here! I'll get back to you sooner and just let you beat me at cornholing. Yeah - I'll take the poker and you get to cornhole...wait a second...
+ more commentsABRogers on 04/26/2011
I kinda brought it.
(at least to the poker table - shut up before you use the term "maximum power" when referring to my lack of cornholing skills, Power. I'll be practicing before I get back there...)
ABRogers on 03/25/2011
Where in all of this do I lose, again?
Oh-ho-ho! Don't underestimate me! I've been practicing the art of having tricks (and cards) up my sleeves and I will most definitely be forcing the other fellows into running elaborate cornholing plays that'll thwart all your attempts to kick my ass.
Yeah...who'm I kidding...I've been sitting on my fat ass talking shit for months...this is gonna be a win-win-win(-win?) for you, for sure. And the payback I'll give ya is that I'll actually move to your god-forsaken town and haunt these games until I overthrow you like a house of cards in a California quake (which sounds far scarier to me, I'm sure; Damn, I REALLY need to work on these. But, it *is* only midnight, so I *did* just wake up...naturally...)
ABRogers on 03/25/2011