a screenplay
by kmwriter
Genres:
drama
A troubled boy discovers a pirate ship in the treetops and believes his presumed-dead father is aboard.
kmwriter
member since 03/21/2009 |
last login 10/26/2010
Construct with consistency, light with clarity, decorate with ambiguity....
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Construct with consistency, light with clarity, decorate with ambiguity.
Submissions by kmwriter
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a short story by kmwriterA clerk with a vivid imagination discovers ambition...
Reviews by kmwriter 100
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A review of The Power of Suggestionby kmwriter on 07/06/2009Jim Carrey trumped you with “Yes Man,” but a familiar formula isn’t always a bad thing. There's some funny stuff here, but the major issue with this script is a lack of momentum and character arc for your protagonist, Cali. She has dreams, sure. But I’m not sure what is handed to her in the end was in any way related to this experience she has. First priority is structure:... Jim Carrey trumped you with “Yes Man,” but a familiar formula isn’t always a bad thing. There's some funny stuff here, but the major issue with this script is a lack of momentum and character arc for your protagonist, Cali. She has dreams, sure. But I’m not sure what is handed to her in the end was in any way related to this experience she has.
First priority is structure: we need to get to the heart of your story much, much sooner. It takes the entire first act to set up what could be done effectively in about 10 pages. Cali is a submissive doormat in an unhappy relationship and job. Condensing the first act can help pare this down to the typical 90-100 page length of most comedies.
Running notes:
Some description is vague – for instance, Cali walking through the store “on her way upstairs to her office” – we can’t know where she’s heading, only where she is now. Remember, the audience can’t see your slugs. There are also many, many parentheticals that are either not necessary (implied by the dialogue) or long enough to be action lines (out of the corner of her mouth, whispering…)
Started right in with “gals discussing guy-girl relationships.” Why not show all this stuff they’re talking about? We haven’t gotten to know them yet – makes it hard to listen to this long conversation about characters we haven’t met yet (i.e. I thought Elizabeth was the bride since we hadn’t met Anne – it’s a lot of characters to keep track of in the first few pages and many we never see again).
Cali is a good salesgirl with a jerk boyfriend. She seems smart, so what she sees in him is beyond me (and you don’t have to keep reminding us what he is – we can see it).
5 – Again “he refuses to move in” – you’re saying things that will have to be shown for the audience to know. Only what we can see and hear.
The page ten “hook” test – lots of sexpot talk as Cali tries to coax Chad into attending a wedding with her. Need something stronger, especially with your logline. The inciting incident should occur here or soon after.
11 – Cali’s reaction to Chad’s blatant abusiveness turned me against her – she just gets sad as he derides her “performance” and weight and friends? Looks like you’re setting up her character arc, but a girl who would put up with this is difficult to empathize with. She can be more realistically angry – just the fact that she’s staying with him shows us her unhealthy dependence on him. I’d make her tears at the wedding more “envious of the happy couple” than “missing Chad” after what he just did.
12 – “She's nervous about going to the wedding alone and having to explain to her friends why Chad isn't there.” – more information the audience won’t know unless you show them (which you do with the ensuing conversation). I won’t belabor the point, but this happens a lot throughout the script.
20 pages in, still more Cali/Chad drama. Really wishing the story would get started. How could Cali know her one-night stand left an hour ago if she just woke up with no memory? Where the heck did the cardboard cut-out come from? This ‘trying to figure out where I am’ conversation isn’t progressing the plot.
26 – The montage with Chad is just repeating over and over again what we already know: he is a jerk and she’s torn about staying with him. Same with the girl’s conversation – just seems like filler to get to the act break inciting event: the wish. But this should have happened long ago. Many pages of Chad-bashing as the gals wait for their food – just repetitious dialogue until page 35.
35 – CUT TO:
BLACK
SFX: SLURP
(Why SFX for a sound? Not sure I know what you mean)
35 – 37: how is it helpful for Cali’s character to turn into an all-out slut? Also, I’m not sure why you had so many different “wishes.” Just one is enough for your premise: that Cali will do everything suggested to her. It gets confusing with the sudden wild libido. Not sure what direction you’re going with this.
“Cali's cell phone alarm goes off to remind her she has a gyno appointment.” – more information that has to be shown.
40 – Seems odd to flashback so briefly to the previous scene. Why not just show it to us then? 42 – Cali takes time to explain everything that just happened – the audience already saw it and will grow restless at the repetition.
43 – How does “the power of suggestion” suddenly make Cali bold and smart in this meeting? I thought someone had to demand something of her for her to comply? Maybe if Sparks insists someone “step up with a bold, fresh idea” it would make sense.
47 – 51 – A “Liar, Liar” moment with unintentional honesty. And Cali purchasing everything pitched on TV is funny, but it goes on for several pages. There are many other scenarios you could include here for comic effect. We’re almost half-way through now, and I don’t see her character evolving or changing.
53 – the donuts…more of the same…
56 – Cali gets a date with Carter…nothing earth-shattering.
58 – lots of pleasantries exchanged: common in everyday conversation, but not helping your script move along. Every word should be there for a reason – make them count!
60 – This “desire to be her own boss” rather comes out of the blue. Need to set up this dream in the first act better. The “wishes” are coming true in a very linear, non-integrated fashion. Sleeping around, sales pitch junkie, then dream job. Should these be intertwined somehow?
CARTER - I told you, I rent my loins by the hour. (He smirks)
Seems like a reincarnation of Chad…how is Cali changing her lifestyle by being with him? Need some contrast between Cali’s life before and after the wishes.
68 - "Carter does his best impression of David Spade from Tommy Boy (voice of a hispanic, female maid)." Pretty specific…some audience members won’t get it. And if Carter says “let’s go” wouldn’t Cali jump to follow? But she asks for a minute to change. What happened to the uncontrollable power of suggestion?
69-73 – More dialogue about opening a shop someday, a little more Chad-bashing, but no sense of looming crisis or character arc. Is Carter just here as an enabler for Cali’s dream? How does this help her learn/grow as a person if everything is just handed to her?
75 – Cali hiding the damaged kitchen from her friends might be funny, but there’s no story here.
80 – Again, Cali takes time to explain everything that we just saw happen to her.
82 – friends figure it out and have fun at Cali’s expense. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
87 – They finally figure it out it was the noodles and get back to the restaurant. The only urgency is that Cali wants to be normal again soon, which isn’t exactly a ticking clock. The Waiter claims it’s just ginger (but shows that it’s not) and now they’re out wandering again, talking about what to do.
94 – Another date with Carter – more “suggestions” to mindlessly obey. Now that Cali is aware of her situation, her struggle to defy this urge could be played up for greater comedy. This is more of the same and there’s no looming crisis on the horizon except the continuation of Cali’s plight.
97 – And suddenly, without explanation, the spell seems broken as Cali defies requests.
100 – Devan is suddenly the voice of reason. Why are they talking about Cali’s ‘love’ for Carter after two awkward dates? The relationship didn’t seem serious or established enough to merit this. 101 – what is the purpose of all this trying on of clothes?
105 – Devan and Cali go out for drinks, Devan offers Cali the money for her dream job. The spell seems to be gone and this event just happens TO Cali. Not an obstacle she has to overcome.
106 – Chad returns, Cali fights back this time. She kicks him out, then Carter is back – he misconstrues the situation and she slaps him. He’s just as rude as Chad - I’m not really rooting for them to get together at this point.
115 – Sparks wants Cali to sell Devan more expensive label, which prompts Cali to quit. But I thought she was already planning to? Devan’s dialogue is inconsistent – she sounded like a mature mentor earlier, but here: “We open up your store. You're the boss now, Cal, and things are gonna be sweet…we gotta build a store…” she suddenly turns all teeny bopper. What happened to the uptight professional from the first act?
And we end with a montage of the store’s opening and Carter suddenly showing up to make amends, where it all abruptly ends.
The trouble I had discerning a true plot or character arc was evident early on. Cali is a doormat of sorts who lets others walk all over her, so these “Magic Noodles” temporarily cause her to agree to everything. How does she end up? With a different rude boyfriend and her own store which she a client just hands to her. The “breaking of the spell” wasn’t really clear – was there magic involved or not? The implication is that it’s all in her head and she regained control when she started standing up for herself. Maybe it’s just that I never connected with Cali as a character, but the only result of this big realization is a fight with a fairly new boyfriend (though he inexplicably returns at the end) – isn’t the outcome of a character arc supposed to end positively for the protagonist? I’m not sure becoming demanding and getting her own way is the best way to leave her.
Some good ideas here, but tweaking still needed, especially in structure and character development. Good luck with the rewrites!
KM read -
A review of Man vs. Selfby kmwriter on 07/02/2009Not a new premise – Back to the Future is the most obvious comparison you’ll likely get. But there’s nothing wrong with a successful formula, if done well with originality and freshness. Unfortunately, Becket was too familiar a caricature of every Jason Biggs/Adam Sandler character written and every cliché (whiz kid, friend’s hot mom, etc.) was used. With some funnier comedy... Not a new premise – Back to the Future is the most obvious comparison you’ll likely get. But there’s nothing wrong with a successful formula, if done well with originality and freshness. Unfortunately, Becket was too familiar a caricature of every Jason Biggs/Adam Sandler character written and every cliché (whiz kid, friend’s hot mom, etc.) was used. With some funnier comedy or characters with more depth, this could still work - just need to further develop your ideas.
Running notes:
No need for CONTINUED at bottom/top of pages.
You'll want to avoid saying a character “begins to” or “is doing” something – everything should play out in the active present tense in a SP – “…Scott sits up…Greene works hard…”
4 - Some of your descriptive lines need clarification: i.e. Lacy “dressed like she’s going to a ball” – she just shows up in a formal gown, even with no planned date? And I wish I had a better idea of what this “weird machine” actually looked like.
5 - Good work getting right into the story – no wasted scenes. Inciting incident in the first 10 pages – good. (and drunk Becket is funny)
10 – “are you alright?” – end questions with question mark
11 – This scene is confusing as written. I see you’re calling young Becket “Scott” and old Becket “Becket” but do people really look that different 13 years later? No one notices any similarities?
16 – The sophomoric humor here with Becket/Scott rather lost me here. Putting myself in “young” Scott’s shoes, I thought he bought the explanation too easily. I wanted to take Becket seriously, but he’s more like the goofy sidekick of every other bro comedy. Typically the protagonist is the straight man – I’m not connecting to Becket - yet.
19 – Thanks for addressing the inevitable “paradox” issues that audiences will raise – it’s comedy, so I’ll buy the “it is what it is” write-off, though some might not.
20 – Scott seems awfully unperturbed by the arrival of his future self. Would you? I would think he should take more convincing – this is missed opportunity for great comedy.
21 – Marsha doesn’t notice any similarity between the same person? You’ve not given us a physical description to explain this. The MILF, Marsha, and Melba jokes wore thin after a few pages – just not laughing yet, sorry.
30 – They’ve got young Alter (also curiously unfazed by all of this), but what are the stakes? Alter speaks quite maturely for a 12-year-old, despite his genius. Why should he care about the future life/love of a stranger who claims to be from the future?
33 – Here’s Greene – older. May need to reference the time period difference in the slugline for clarification. Good exchange between Greene and Lacy, and good hint of a twist (the dollar) to spoil the “plan.”
40 – Predictable twist…Becket falls for young Lacy – but he’s 33 and she’s 17? A bit creepy. Missing some punctuation, especially question marks.
While I appreciate the sparse writing, there’s very little depth to this plot and not enough humor or interesting characterization to hold my interest. Stock characters and a handful of jokes used over and over.
43 – therefore vs. therefor
45 – “look to you(r) left…”
The doctor doesn’t question that a minor is engaged? He has her chart…
47 – Wait: Lacy has the stuffed lobster shown in the future from a hospital visit that hadn’t happened then? Time travel makes my head hurt!
50 – Aren’t they supposed to be working on a solution during all this? There’s not really a sense of urgency and the pace is slowing…
52 – Lacy goes back in time, taking Greene’s voice recorder.
54 – “five eighty-nine…” (vs. eithy). Lacy still doesn’t recognize the younger Scott? Seems a stretch – might need a disguise of some kind for “older” Scott.
60 – Good turn to act three, but just not getting the logic behind Becket wanting his younger self to avoid Lacy so badly, yet not seeing the harm in dating her himself…I get that he hasn’t “gotten over her” but he’s right there on a date while he’s explaining it all to Scott – why?
61 – break vs. brek. The jump from the restaurant to the lab was abrupt and unexplained - they just left Alby there? Can’t imagine she waited around long.
66 – happened vs. heppened
68 – Can you have Becket explain all this to Lacy O.S.? Just repeating what the audience already knows and they’ll quickly get bored.
69 – What exactly was Lacy’s motivation to go back in time? To keep Becket “from spoiling everything” – what everything, exactly? She too didn’t want her younger self to meet him.
75 – More vodka…need a new joke!
77 – Wish there was a more tangible obstacle here, rather than just Becket/Scott trying to talk Lacy/Alby into loving again. No sense of a ticking clock. And Lacy also takes this whole future/past self in stride. Doesn’t seem to bother anyone at all!
80 – Lots of dialogue here as the characters argue amongst themselves – Becket/Alter converse, Lacy/Scott shop. No action = loss of focus and momentum.
87 – This again seems creepy – what 17 year old girl would let immediately let a 30-something guy she just met (and who just stood her up) right into her bedroom?
90 – Act three: the voice recorder. No surprises.
91-95 – This quartet of characters chasing around the park just isn’t a dramatic enough way to set up Becket/Alby’s reconciliation. And it’s quite confusing to read.
100 – Alby conveniently “remembers” about the voice recorder; brilliant kid-Alter rapidly assembles a time machine. No surprises, just heading toward the inevitable end.
103 – More of the quartet arguing about the relationship. We need a bigger crescendo to the end – yes, Alter is working on it, but we all know he’ll succeed. What big catastrophic event can occur here to give Becket a chance to prove his changed character to future Alby? Something more than just conversation, I hope.
106 – button vs. buttone
After all that, we don’t even get to see what happens them in the future? Audiences will want closure of some kind…seems you’re missing the most important part of the script here.
Not a bad concept, but needs stronger characters and fresher (preferably side-splitting) humor to make up for the formulaic structure. Currently, it reads rather like an outline with just the bare minimum filled in – it starts strong, but then drifts. The time travel doesn’t play much of a role beyond setting up the scenario – the characters are inexplicably accepting of this earth-shattering invention. You get these characters to the past, but then they sort of wander with little urgency. It’s all dialogue-driven, which seems a shame given the potential for some great visual humor in such a predicament. It’s difficult to focus on Becket (as your protagonist) with twin characters for your primary three. How does he develop in this film? Is his only arc that he learns to appreciate his girlfriend better? We don't see how anything ends, so it's rather unsatisfying.
Best of luck on the rewrites,
KM read -
A review of King for a Dayby kmwriter on 06/18/2009This was a fast read - a fairly light standard rom-com. Though the characters were conventional, one strong positive was the quirky, fresh dialogue. Brief, pointed sentences always work better in film and push the pace forward. Unfortunately, your leads were funny, yet emotionless. I had trouble buying into the logic of their relationship and never felt like I was rooting for... This was a fast read - a fairly light standard rom-com. Though the characters were conventional, one strong positive was the quirky, fresh dialogue. Brief, pointed sentences always work better in film and push the pace forward. Unfortunately, your leads were funny, yet emotionless. I had trouble buying into the logic of their relationship and never felt like I was rooting for their romance to succeed.
Part of this might be due to structure. It's standard: boy meets girl, they have problems, then end up together. But London and Sarah got along too well for far too long. Their relationship was fun, but too easy until the one big obstacle, which came well into the third act. We need to see them challenged sooner so there's a reason to keep watching.
London’s objective was also odd: he despised reality TV and used Sarah to infiltrate the medium to make a statement against it, but winds up in a quandary when he falls in love with Sarah along the way and now needs the very thing he hates to make the big “grand gesture” to win her back. Can he do both? Well...kinda. But he doesn't end up looking good in the process. In fact, I didn't see why anyone should like London at all by the end. He turns on Sarah, then turns on Joey (whom he had previously worked with for this expose), then admits the episode (which also came very, very late) was all a fraud. So why does she take him back, exactly?
Running notes:
I like the ironic tone, but some description seems overdone (waiting-for-the-bus-Sarah, safely handsome) or curiously un-descriptive: (“Joey dresses so that other people know how much his clothes cost” - “her face hiding any tell tale sign of emotion” etc.)
Nice way to open, though London’s approach of demanding to know what music Sarah was listening to seemed a bit odd. I didn’t blame her for blowing him off. The whole premise of fault-finding-boy-sabotaging-own-efforts-to-find-true-love is a familiar one (for some reason I kept picturing How I Met Your Mother actors in all these roles). But this flaw-finding angle didn't end up leading anywhere.
7 – Might want to indicate this scene change is still being watched onscreen, if that’s what you intended.
10 – “And no one suspects anything?” Good – hint of a hook in the first 10 pages.
11 – Nice reality parallels with model ships. I'd like to see this book-ended somehow with a reference in the ending.
13 – Diameter...shouldn’t that be perimeter? Or you could just say, within 10 miles.
Best friend is tasteless pervert, boyfriend Joey is a douche. Standard secondary characters.
Watch the unfilmables: “Angels seem to repeat her...”
23 – London has found Sarah – they started out unbelievably sweet, so I was glad you showed at least a bit of hesitation on Sarah’s part...creepy stalker concerns and all that. I’m sure an obstacle is about to fall on them...right?
28 – Good, quirky conversation between them...awkwardly sweet. It's memorable dialogue done well here, but drags on in later dates.
34 – Auditions are happening, Sarah breaks up with Joey – act two. Funny contrast between Kyle and London. No major conflicts yet.
42 – Almost half-way through and it's smooth sailing with London and Sarah. I keep waiting for more than just clips of the game show. Shouldn't that take up an entire act itself?
44 – head over heels (vs. heals)
49 – I liked Sarah’s quirkiness at first, but now she’s annoying me. Her mannerisms and dialogue keep her distant...she seems very one-dimensional and unfeminine.
KYLE: Kyle hands Sarah the business card. (I think you mean this to be an action line).
50 – Pace is dragging – more “getting to know you” – where’s the conflict?
53 – It’s not clear why London’s fault-finding isn’t giving him doubts, as it usually does...why was this mentioned earlier?
58 – All is still well with London/Sarah and now he’s on the show. Act break – Sarah is fired, Joey exposes her relationship. I anticipated this, but it really wasn’t an obstacle, just an event. Neither seemed affected by it and it didn’t challenge their relationship at all, so where’s the challenge?
61 – “shouldn’t have ridden the bus” (vs. rode) – but a funny scene with the mace.
66 – FINALLY – London appears to have put one over Sarah. A good twist needed much earlier.
67 – Odd dialogue formatting at top of page
71 – This conversation seems odd: I don’t see the reason for Reynold’s “plan” and then the change of mind.
73 – We’ve not seen any reason to like London since you revealed he used Sarah, so how are we supposed to continue sympathizing with him? For instance, (76) London makes the standard “win her back” speech, but I’m not even buying it. I would think Sarah would be much, much angrier. I couldn't believe that she’d call him.
80 – “We’ve already (run) the promos…” Why is Reynolds worried about that now? He was fine with airing a re-run earlier.
82 – Love the ‘beating’ with the rain stick. Very creative.
85 – It’s the grand gesture, but I’m having trouble picturing how it could possibly be done – aren’t there laws in NY?
I’m really confused as to how Joey and London are working together – do either of them care about Sarah? Seeing as she despised Joey, the mere fact that they were working together AGAINST her would be enough to make reconciliation pretty much impossible.
86 – New Yorkers don’t say “wanker”
88 – The reality show allowed their promo "King" to be defaced? Sarah is actually going to meet London? What convinced her? And London turns on Joey, his former partner? Doesn’t paint London in a very good light at all. I've lost any sympathy for him at this point, I'm sorry.
While it's just the kind of outlandish thing producers love, getting shot on TV seemed odd. It didn’t mesh with the clock and empty museum at all. Maybe if London had been reenacting a famous Revolutionary shooting scene from a museum painting, but with the “King for a day” theme, it was an odd juxtaposition of events.
93 – London reveals the whole evening had been a lie – so why is Sarah still confessing her love for him? Didn’t the evening include the clock and museum? What else was there to convince her to take him back? I’m confused.
April and Joey’s final scene goes quite long – they’re just secondary characters.
I know this is a romantic comedy and I've suspended belief, but the plausibility of such a scandal over a reality show using actors seems a stretch. It’s common knowledge and wouldn’t be rocking the world like this. There would be double-talk and cover-up and the producer would go back to doing what he’s doing to make big money for the network. At least from what I know.
Positives: Fairly clean, light and funny script with some fresh, quirky dialogue. Some really funny scenes, good pacing throughout, and a clever twist.
Needs work: The characters could use more development - they were more like caricatures. The relationship between London and Sarah was too easy for too long. The logic of their reconciliation also needs to be clearer. There must be a better way for London to achieve his goal of exposing the show while winning back Sarah without being so unlikeable in the process.
A strong start - good luck!
KM read
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Submissions by kmwriter
-
a screenplay by kmwriterGenres: drama
A troubled boy discovers a pirate ship in the treetops and believes his presumed-dead father is aboard.
-
a short story by kmwriter
A clerk with a vivid imagination discovers ambition...
Reviews by kmwriter 100
-
A review of The Power of Suggestionby kmwriter on 07/06/2009Jim Carrey trumped you with “Yes Man,” but a familiar formula isn’t always a bad thing. There's some funny stuff here, but the major issue with this script is a lack of momentum and character arc for your protagonist, Cali. She has dreams, sure. But I’m not sure what is handed to her in the end was in any way related to this experience she has. First priority is structure:... Jim Carrey trumped you with “Yes Man,” but a familiar formula isn’t always a bad thing. There's some funny stuff here, but the major issue with this script is a lack of momentum and character arc for your protagonist, Cali. She has dreams, sure. But I’m not sure what is handed to her in the end was in any way related to this experience she has.
First priority is structure: we need to get to the heart of your story much, much sooner. It takes the entire first act to set up what could be done effectively in about 10 pages. Cali is a submissive doormat in an unhappy relationship and job. Condensing the first act can help pare this down to the typical 90-100 page length of most comedies.
Running notes:
Some description is vague – for instance, Cali walking through the store “on her way upstairs to her office” – we can’t know where she’s heading, only where she is now. Remember, the audience can’t see your slugs. There are also many, many parentheticals that are either not necessary (implied by the dialogue) or long enough to be action lines (out of the corner of her mouth, whispering…)
Started right in with “gals discussing guy-girl relationships.” Why not show all this stuff they’re talking about? We haven’t gotten to know them yet – makes it hard to listen to this long conversation about characters we haven’t met yet (i.e. I thought Elizabeth was the bride since we hadn’t met Anne – it’s a lot of characters to keep track of in the first few pages and many we never see again).
Cali is a good salesgirl with a jerk boyfriend. She seems smart, so what she sees in him is beyond me (and you don’t have to keep reminding us what he is – we can see it).
5 – Again “he refuses to move in” – you’re saying things that will have to be shown for the audience to know. Only what we can see and hear.
The page ten “hook” test – lots of sexpot talk as Cali tries to coax Chad into attending a wedding with her. Need something stronger, especially with your logline. The inciting incident should occur here or soon after.
11 – Cali’s reaction to Chad’s blatant abusiveness turned me against her – she just gets sad as he derides her “performance” and weight and friends? Looks like you’re setting up her character arc, but a girl who would put up with this is difficult to empathize with. She can be more realistically angry – just the fact that she’s staying with him shows us her unhealthy dependence on him. I’d make her tears at the wedding more “envious of the happy couple” than “missing Chad” after what he just did.
12 – “She's nervous about going to the wedding alone and having to explain to her friends why Chad isn't there.” – more information the audience won’t know unless you show them (which you do with the ensuing conversation). I won’t belabor the point, but this happens a lot throughout the script.
20 pages in, still more Cali/Chad drama. Really wishing the story would get started. How could Cali know her one-night stand left an hour ago if she just woke up with no memory? Where the heck did the cardboard cut-out come from? This ‘trying to figure out where I am’ conversation isn’t progressing the plot.
26 – The montage with Chad is just repeating over and over again what we already know: he is a jerk and she’s torn about staying with him. Same with the girl’s conversation – just seems like filler to get to the act break inciting event: the wish. But this should have happened long ago. Many pages of Chad-bashing as the gals wait for their food – just repetitious dialogue until page 35.
35 – CUT TO:
BLACK
SFX: SLURP
(Why SFX for a sound? Not sure I know what you mean)
35 – 37: how is it helpful for Cali’s character to turn into an all-out slut? Also, I’m not sure why you had so many different “wishes.” Just one is enough for your premise: that Cali will do everything suggested to her. It gets confusing with the sudden wild libido. Not sure what direction you’re going with this.
“Cali's cell phone alarm goes off to remind her she has a gyno appointment.” – more information that has to be shown.
40 – Seems odd to flashback so briefly to the previous scene. Why not just show it to us then? 42 – Cali takes time to explain everything that just happened – the audience already saw it and will grow restless at the repetition.
43 – How does “the power of suggestion” suddenly make Cali bold and smart in this meeting? I thought someone had to demand something of her for her to comply? Maybe if Sparks insists someone “step up with a bold, fresh idea” it would make sense.
47 – 51 – A “Liar, Liar” moment with unintentional honesty. And Cali purchasing everything pitched on TV is funny, but it goes on for several pages. There are many other scenarios you could include here for comic effect. We’re almost half-way through now, and I don’t see her character evolving or changing.
53 – the donuts…more of the same…
56 – Cali gets a date with Carter…nothing earth-shattering.
58 – lots of pleasantries exchanged: common in everyday conversation, but not helping your script move along. Every word should be there for a reason – make them count!
60 – This “desire to be her own boss” rather comes out of the blue. Need to set up this dream in the first act better. The “wishes” are coming true in a very linear, non-integrated fashion. Sleeping around, sales pitch junkie, then dream job. Should these be intertwined somehow?
CARTER - I told you, I rent my loins by the hour. (He smirks)
Seems like a reincarnation of Chad…how is Cali changing her lifestyle by being with him? Need some contrast between Cali’s life before and after the wishes.
68 - "Carter does his best impression of David Spade from Tommy Boy (voice of a hispanic, female maid)." Pretty specific…some audience members won’t get it. And if Carter says “let’s go” wouldn’t Cali jump to follow? But she asks for a minute to change. What happened to the uncontrollable power of suggestion?
69-73 – More dialogue about opening a shop someday, a little more Chad-bashing, but no sense of looming crisis or character arc. Is Carter just here as an enabler for Cali’s dream? How does this help her learn/grow as a person if everything is just handed to her?
75 – Cali hiding the damaged kitchen from her friends might be funny, but there’s no story here.
80 – Again, Cali takes time to explain everything that we just saw happen to her.
82 – friends figure it out and have fun at Cali’s expense. With friends like that, who needs enemies?
87 – They finally figure it out it was the noodles and get back to the restaurant. The only urgency is that Cali wants to be normal again soon, which isn’t exactly a ticking clock. The Waiter claims it’s just ginger (but shows that it’s not) and now they’re out wandering again, talking about what to do.
94 – Another date with Carter – more “suggestions” to mindlessly obey. Now that Cali is aware of her situation, her struggle to defy this urge could be played up for greater comedy. This is more of the same and there’s no looming crisis on the horizon except the continuation of Cali’s plight.
97 – And suddenly, without explanation, the spell seems broken as Cali defies requests.
100 – Devan is suddenly the voice of reason. Why are they talking about Cali’s ‘love’ for Carter after two awkward dates? The relationship didn’t seem serious or established enough to merit this. 101 – what is the purpose of all this trying on of clothes?
105 – Devan and Cali go out for drinks, Devan offers Cali the money for her dream job. The spell seems to be gone and this event just happens TO Cali. Not an obstacle she has to overcome.
106 – Chad returns, Cali fights back this time. She kicks him out, then Carter is back – he misconstrues the situation and she slaps him. He’s just as rude as Chad - I’m not really rooting for them to get together at this point.
115 – Sparks wants Cali to sell Devan more expensive label, which prompts Cali to quit. But I thought she was already planning to? Devan’s dialogue is inconsistent – she sounded like a mature mentor earlier, but here: “We open up your store. You're the boss now, Cal, and things are gonna be sweet…we gotta build a store…” she suddenly turns all teeny bopper. What happened to the uptight professional from the first act?
And we end with a montage of the store’s opening and Carter suddenly showing up to make amends, where it all abruptly ends.
The trouble I had discerning a true plot or character arc was evident early on. Cali is a doormat of sorts who lets others walk all over her, so these “Magic Noodles” temporarily cause her to agree to everything. How does she end up? With a different rude boyfriend and her own store which she a client just hands to her. The “breaking of the spell” wasn’t really clear – was there magic involved or not? The implication is that it’s all in her head and she regained control when she started standing up for herself. Maybe it’s just that I never connected with Cali as a character, but the only result of this big realization is a fight with a fairly new boyfriend (though he inexplicably returns at the end) – isn’t the outcome of a character arc supposed to end positively for the protagonist? I’m not sure becoming demanding and getting her own way is the best way to leave her.
Some good ideas here, but tweaking still needed, especially in structure and character development. Good luck with the rewrites!
KM read -
A review of Man vs. Selfby kmwriter on 07/02/2009Not a new premise – Back to the Future is the most obvious comparison you’ll likely get. But there’s nothing wrong with a successful formula, if done well with originality and freshness. Unfortunately, Becket was too familiar a caricature of every Jason Biggs/Adam Sandler character written and every cliché (whiz kid, friend’s hot mom, etc.) was used. With some funnier comedy... Not a new premise – Back to the Future is the most obvious comparison you’ll likely get. But there’s nothing wrong with a successful formula, if done well with originality and freshness. Unfortunately, Becket was too familiar a caricature of every Jason Biggs/Adam Sandler character written and every cliché (whiz kid, friend’s hot mom, etc.) was used. With some funnier comedy or characters with more depth, this could still work - just need to further develop your ideas.
Running notes:
No need for CONTINUED at bottom/top of pages.
You'll want to avoid saying a character “begins to” or “is doing” something – everything should play out in the active present tense in a SP – “…Scott sits up…Greene works hard…”
4 - Some of your descriptive lines need clarification: i.e. Lacy “dressed like she’s going to a ball” – she just shows up in a formal gown, even with no planned date? And I wish I had a better idea of what this “weird machine” actually looked like.
5 - Good work getting right into the story – no wasted scenes. Inciting incident in the first 10 pages – good. (and drunk Becket is funny)
10 – “are you alright?” – end questions with question mark
11 – This scene is confusing as written. I see you’re calling young Becket “Scott” and old Becket “Becket” but do people really look that different 13 years later? No one notices any similarities?
16 – The sophomoric humor here with Becket/Scott rather lost me here. Putting myself in “young” Scott’s shoes, I thought he bought the explanation too easily. I wanted to take Becket seriously, but he’s more like the goofy sidekick of every other bro comedy. Typically the protagonist is the straight man – I’m not connecting to Becket - yet.
19 – Thanks for addressing the inevitable “paradox” issues that audiences will raise – it’s comedy, so I’ll buy the “it is what it is” write-off, though some might not.
20 – Scott seems awfully unperturbed by the arrival of his future self. Would you? I would think he should take more convincing – this is missed opportunity for great comedy.
21 – Marsha doesn’t notice any similarity between the same person? You’ve not given us a physical description to explain this. The MILF, Marsha, and Melba jokes wore thin after a few pages – just not laughing yet, sorry.
30 – They’ve got young Alter (also curiously unfazed by all of this), but what are the stakes? Alter speaks quite maturely for a 12-year-old, despite his genius. Why should he care about the future life/love of a stranger who claims to be from the future?
33 – Here’s Greene – older. May need to reference the time period difference in the slugline for clarification. Good exchange between Greene and Lacy, and good hint of a twist (the dollar) to spoil the “plan.”
40 – Predictable twist…Becket falls for young Lacy – but he’s 33 and she’s 17? A bit creepy. Missing some punctuation, especially question marks.
While I appreciate the sparse writing, there’s very little depth to this plot and not enough humor or interesting characterization to hold my interest. Stock characters and a handful of jokes used over and over.
43 – therefore vs. therefor
45 – “look to you(r) left…”
The doctor doesn’t question that a minor is engaged? He has her chart…
47 – Wait: Lacy has the stuffed lobster shown in the future from a hospital visit that hadn’t happened then? Time travel makes my head hurt!
50 – Aren’t they supposed to be working on a solution during all this? There’s not really a sense of urgency and the pace is slowing…
52 – Lacy goes back in time, taking Greene’s voice recorder.
54 – “five eighty-nine…” (vs. eithy). Lacy still doesn’t recognize the younger Scott? Seems a stretch – might need a disguise of some kind for “older” Scott.
60 – Good turn to act three, but just not getting the logic behind Becket wanting his younger self to avoid Lacy so badly, yet not seeing the harm in dating her himself…I get that he hasn’t “gotten over her” but he’s right there on a date while he’s explaining it all to Scott – why?
61 – break vs. brek. The jump from the restaurant to the lab was abrupt and unexplained - they just left Alby there? Can’t imagine she waited around long.
66 – happened vs. heppened
68 – Can you have Becket explain all this to Lacy O.S.? Just repeating what the audience already knows and they’ll quickly get bored.
69 – What exactly was Lacy’s motivation to go back in time? To keep Becket “from spoiling everything” – what everything, exactly? She too didn’t want her younger self to meet him.
75 – More vodka…need a new joke!
77 – Wish there was a more tangible obstacle here, rather than just Becket/Scott trying to talk Lacy/Alby into loving again. No sense of a ticking clock. And Lacy also takes this whole future/past self in stride. Doesn’t seem to bother anyone at all!
80 – Lots of dialogue here as the characters argue amongst themselves – Becket/Alter converse, Lacy/Scott shop. No action = loss of focus and momentum.
87 – This again seems creepy – what 17 year old girl would let immediately let a 30-something guy she just met (and who just stood her up) right into her bedroom?
90 – Act three: the voice recorder. No surprises.
91-95 – This quartet of characters chasing around the park just isn’t a dramatic enough way to set up Becket/Alby’s reconciliation. And it’s quite confusing to read.
100 – Alby conveniently “remembers” about the voice recorder; brilliant kid-Alter rapidly assembles a time machine. No surprises, just heading toward the inevitable end.
103 – More of the quartet arguing about the relationship. We need a bigger crescendo to the end – yes, Alter is working on it, but we all know he’ll succeed. What big catastrophic event can occur here to give Becket a chance to prove his changed character to future Alby? Something more than just conversation, I hope.
106 – button vs. buttone
After all that, we don’t even get to see what happens them in the future? Audiences will want closure of some kind…seems you’re missing the most important part of the script here.
Not a bad concept, but needs stronger characters and fresher (preferably side-splitting) humor to make up for the formulaic structure. Currently, it reads rather like an outline with just the bare minimum filled in – it starts strong, but then drifts. The time travel doesn’t play much of a role beyond setting up the scenario – the characters are inexplicably accepting of this earth-shattering invention. You get these characters to the past, but then they sort of wander with little urgency. It’s all dialogue-driven, which seems a shame given the potential for some great visual humor in such a predicament. It’s difficult to focus on Becket (as your protagonist) with twin characters for your primary three. How does he develop in this film? Is his only arc that he learns to appreciate his girlfriend better? We don't see how anything ends, so it's rather unsatisfying.
Best of luck on the rewrites,
KM read -
A review of King for a Dayby kmwriter on 06/18/2009This was a fast read - a fairly light standard rom-com. Though the characters were conventional, one strong positive was the quirky, fresh dialogue. Brief, pointed sentences always work better in film and push the pace forward. Unfortunately, your leads were funny, yet emotionless. I had trouble buying into the logic of their relationship and never felt like I was rooting for... This was a fast read - a fairly light standard rom-com. Though the characters were conventional, one strong positive was the quirky, fresh dialogue. Brief, pointed sentences always work better in film and push the pace forward. Unfortunately, your leads were funny, yet emotionless. I had trouble buying into the logic of their relationship and never felt like I was rooting for their romance to succeed.
Part of this might be due to structure. It's standard: boy meets girl, they have problems, then end up together. But London and Sarah got along too well for far too long. Their relationship was fun, but too easy until the one big obstacle, which came well into the third act. We need to see them challenged sooner so there's a reason to keep watching.
London’s objective was also odd: he despised reality TV and used Sarah to infiltrate the medium to make a statement against it, but winds up in a quandary when he falls in love with Sarah along the way and now needs the very thing he hates to make the big “grand gesture” to win her back. Can he do both? Well...kinda. But he doesn't end up looking good in the process. In fact, I didn't see why anyone should like London at all by the end. He turns on Sarah, then turns on Joey (whom he had previously worked with for this expose), then admits the episode (which also came very, very late) was all a fraud. So why does she take him back, exactly?
Running notes:
I like the ironic tone, but some description seems overdone (waiting-for-the-bus-Sarah, safely handsome) or curiously un-descriptive: (“Joey dresses so that other people know how much his clothes cost” - “her face hiding any tell tale sign of emotion” etc.)
Nice way to open, though London’s approach of demanding to know what music Sarah was listening to seemed a bit odd. I didn’t blame her for blowing him off. The whole premise of fault-finding-boy-sabotaging-own-efforts-to-find-true-love is a familiar one (for some reason I kept picturing How I Met Your Mother actors in all these roles). But this flaw-finding angle didn't end up leading anywhere.
7 – Might want to indicate this scene change is still being watched onscreen, if that’s what you intended.
10 – “And no one suspects anything?” Good – hint of a hook in the first 10 pages.
11 – Nice reality parallels with model ships. I'd like to see this book-ended somehow with a reference in the ending.
13 – Diameter...shouldn’t that be perimeter? Or you could just say, within 10 miles.
Best friend is tasteless pervert, boyfriend Joey is a douche. Standard secondary characters.
Watch the unfilmables: “Angels seem to repeat her...”
23 – London has found Sarah – they started out unbelievably sweet, so I was glad you showed at least a bit of hesitation on Sarah’s part...creepy stalker concerns and all that. I’m sure an obstacle is about to fall on them...right?
28 – Good, quirky conversation between them...awkwardly sweet. It's memorable dialogue done well here, but drags on in later dates.
34 – Auditions are happening, Sarah breaks up with Joey – act two. Funny contrast between Kyle and London. No major conflicts yet.
42 – Almost half-way through and it's smooth sailing with London and Sarah. I keep waiting for more than just clips of the game show. Shouldn't that take up an entire act itself?
44 – head over heels (vs. heals)
49 – I liked Sarah’s quirkiness at first, but now she’s annoying me. Her mannerisms and dialogue keep her distant...she seems very one-dimensional and unfeminine.
KYLE: Kyle hands Sarah the business card. (I think you mean this to be an action line).
50 – Pace is dragging – more “getting to know you” – where’s the conflict?
53 – It’s not clear why London’s fault-finding isn’t giving him doubts, as it usually does...why was this mentioned earlier?
58 – All is still well with London/Sarah and now he’s on the show. Act break – Sarah is fired, Joey exposes her relationship. I anticipated this, but it really wasn’t an obstacle, just an event. Neither seemed affected by it and it didn’t challenge their relationship at all, so where’s the challenge?
61 – “shouldn’t have ridden the bus” (vs. rode) – but a funny scene with the mace.
66 – FINALLY – London appears to have put one over Sarah. A good twist needed much earlier.
67 – Odd dialogue formatting at top of page
71 – This conversation seems odd: I don’t see the reason for Reynold’s “plan” and then the change of mind.
73 – We’ve not seen any reason to like London since you revealed he used Sarah, so how are we supposed to continue sympathizing with him? For instance, (76) London makes the standard “win her back” speech, but I’m not even buying it. I would think Sarah would be much, much angrier. I couldn't believe that she’d call him.
80 – “We’ve already (run) the promos…” Why is Reynolds worried about that now? He was fine with airing a re-run earlier.
82 – Love the ‘beating’ with the rain stick. Very creative.
85 – It’s the grand gesture, but I’m having trouble picturing how it could possibly be done – aren’t there laws in NY?
I’m really confused as to how Joey and London are working together – do either of them care about Sarah? Seeing as she despised Joey, the mere fact that they were working together AGAINST her would be enough to make reconciliation pretty much impossible.
86 – New Yorkers don’t say “wanker”
88 – The reality show allowed their promo "King" to be defaced? Sarah is actually going to meet London? What convinced her? And London turns on Joey, his former partner? Doesn’t paint London in a very good light at all. I've lost any sympathy for him at this point, I'm sorry.
While it's just the kind of outlandish thing producers love, getting shot on TV seemed odd. It didn’t mesh with the clock and empty museum at all. Maybe if London had been reenacting a famous Revolutionary shooting scene from a museum painting, but with the “King for a day” theme, it was an odd juxtaposition of events.
93 – London reveals the whole evening had been a lie – so why is Sarah still confessing her love for him? Didn’t the evening include the clock and museum? What else was there to convince her to take him back? I’m confused.
April and Joey’s final scene goes quite long – they’re just secondary characters.
I know this is a romantic comedy and I've suspended belief, but the plausibility of such a scandal over a reality show using actors seems a stretch. It’s common knowledge and wouldn’t be rocking the world like this. There would be double-talk and cover-up and the producer would go back to doing what he’s doing to make big money for the network. At least from what I know.
Positives: Fairly clean, light and funny script with some fresh, quirky dialogue. Some really funny scenes, good pacing throughout, and a clever twist.
Needs work: The characters could use more development - they were more like caricatures. The relationship between London and Sarah was too easy for too long. The logic of their reconciliation also needs to be clearer. There must be a better way for London to achieve his goal of exposing the show while winning back Sarah without being so unlikeable in the process.
A strong start - good luck!
KM read -
A review of Mr Sensitiveby kmwriter on 06/16/2009It’s not a new idea: the old male-female switcheroo. Seeing as this concept is recycled every few years, it’s obviously a formula that works, given the right amount of fresh perspective. Though you don’t do an actual body swap, just a sudden emotional element, it still echoed of “What Women Want.” Not a bad premise at all, but the execution (dialogue in particular) still needs... It’s not a new idea: the old male-female switcheroo. Seeing as this concept is recycled every few years, it’s obviously a formula that works, given the right amount of fresh perspective. Though you don’t do an actual body swap, just a sudden emotional element, it still echoed of “What Women Want.” Not a bad premise at all, but the execution (dialogue in particular) still needs some work.
Good way to start the action from page 1. Introduces your main characters and instantly gives us a glimpse of Jason’s reckless, typical-guy personality and Angela’s frustration with him. I wasn’t sure about having Colin also be affected – it rather took the focus from your protagonist, Jason. It should be his unique story, his own experience. Maybe his best friend should be flummoxed by the change as a humorous foil.
The inciting event happens in the first 20 pages – your structure is good. And we get a hint about a big public charity event where the action will likely climax later. One thing I was anticipating just after the “wish” was some confusion on the part of Jason, but he just slid easily into this new persona. I’m thinking of Jim Carrey’s “Liar, Liar” as he tried to control and suppress this new-found inability to lie. Where’s the comical struggle to be “manly”? Uncontrollable feminine urges could be played up for huge comedy here.
As I reached act two, the male-ness of the script’s perspective overwhelmed the plot. That is, all of Jason’s new “sensitive” traits are demonstrated through a few external things: smelling flowers, manicure, wearing lotion. I don’t have a ton of experience, but if you want women to take this film seriously, you’ll need to make this an internal journey for Jason. According to Oprah and Dr. Phil (and no, I don’t watch either on a regular basis), women mean thoughts and moods and feelings and listening when they ask for sensitivity. Having to deal with emotions should be a traumatic event that turns Jason’s world upside-down and shakes his masculinity. I’m wondering if a female co-writer could be brought in to make things more realistic.
I’d also like to see Angela reacting negatively (sooner) to this new change in Jason, perhaps to her own surprise. Like she’d be pleased for about 10 minutes, but then realizes she’s repulsed by his seeming ‘weakness.’ Because deep down, I don’t think women truly want men to be just like women...just sort of like them, whenever they need to feel ‘understood’ or ‘protected’ (thus rages the futile and never-ending battle of the sexes). This turns out to be your point, but it takes a long time to get there.
The ending is fine, if not somewhat predictable. The last 10 pages could probably be condensed into 2. Jason kicks ass and your point is made.
Running notes:
Don’t know what CITY CBD is, and not familiar with phrase “at full revs” (speed?).
2 – some may call your representation of the “Korean lady” stereotypical
3 – make sure to use correct punctuation. Missing periods and question marks already – not a good sign. And I would say INT. TRUCK vs. UTILITY – if only for clarity.
5 – The dialogue feels a bit stiff and unnatural. It’s okay to use contractions as you would in normal conversation (and I’m noticing “your” where you mean “you’re” – be sure to use question marks: “Don’t you notice anything?”)
7 – This conversation sounds expositional – the characters wouldn’t talk about what they already know. Can you show us their history another way – photographs? Flashbacks?
The continual wryly (frustrated) doesn’t seem necessary – you’re doing a good job showing their frustration through dialogue, etc. Let the actors act.
9 – “vibrancy (fills?) the room…”
10 – “I wasn’t aware” - “we become soft…” Again, unnatural. Just say it like you would say it: “I didn’t know…” – “we get soft.”
“I will” = “I’ll” - “hope he is” = “hope he’s” – use contractions for more natural dialogue.
14 – It would have been nice to have some kind of explosive reaction – even if just a camera effect – when the wishes came true. Maybe the fight bell starts clanging and they hold their ears as it echoes – something to signal the “change.”
18 – I had already forgotten that Jason had hit his head in the opening scene. Be sure to reference the bandage on his head to remind the audience.
21 – JENNY
No he is worse then ever. He has
hardly come out of the garage since
we came back. You see, Jason is
finally recognizing how much of a
catch you really are. Just enjoy it.
Might want to keep Colin’s condition a mystery. And this is a bit stiff. Consider:
JENNY
How should I know? He’s locked himself
in the garage for the last two days. Maybe
Jason’s just realizing what a good thing
he’s got. Enjoy it while it lasts.
22 – Angela’s dialogue is stilted. She can be professional without sounding like a manual.
And (23) “my dear” sounds too grandmotherly. Girls don’t say this to other girls.
Maybe: “They’re all the same under those expensive suits – and all after the same thing.”
24 – Five typos on this page alone: your vs. you’re. Missing commas and question marks. Please proofread!
25 – I fully expected Jason to take aim, realize what he was doing, and freeze up. Not a lot of women on a firing range and this 'violence' would probably go against his new sensitive instincts. Some missed opportunities to take advantage of a potentially funny premise here!
30 – same here. Good strong event at act two (Jason trapped in vault with crooks), but instead of mixing martial arts with a pause to admire a diamond, consider what a woman would do in that situation. If you look at similar films with female leads (not Mrs. Smith, but regular gals caught in unexpected conflict), you’ll know there’s two options for Jason: freak out or try to sweet-talk his way out of it. The goal is to make him as feminine as possible, right? The scene ended better...quite funny! But since Jason seems so at ease and unaffected by this change in himself, I’m not sure where the conflict is. How will his character grow and learn in this film? He hasn’t had to really struggle with it yet.
25-35 – Lots more your vs. you’re.
38 – ANGELA
I like this new you.
I don’t think a woman would like this new Jason. She should be worried. Very, very worried.
40 – Nice subplot with the hitmen trailing Jason – setting up anticipation of the charity event.
More robotic dialogue:
ANGELA
It’s okay, my husbands a cop, he
will get him.
SHEPPARD
Oh thank you dear.
41 – Jason’s reaction here could be quite funny, but I’m not liking his character much at all. And I’m fairly certain women will be completely turned off by his obsession with looks and lotions – this seems like a rom-com formula, meaning a large proportion of female viewers. Stereotyping them as superficial will make you public enemy #1 vs. #1 at the box office. I’m just thinking there could be a hilarious inner battle raging right now as Jason tries to overcome these ‘sensitive’ urges as he tries to do his masculine job. You’ve set it up – make the most of it.
52 – FINALLY a real human reaction from Angela. But she’s the one showing the greatest character arc as she realizes what she’s been missing. Who is the protagonist here?
60 – Act three: finally see Colin’s transformation. Crisis is good: must return to Africa to undo the “wish” but the important banquet is fast approaching. Potentially funny stuff, but they’re just standing around talking about it. You put it in the Action category – let’s see it.
67-69 – I know you need to show the mutual understanding and development of Angela and Jason’s relationship (the whole point), but this “touch-feely” conversation might alienate your male audience members. Who will be left in the theatre?
73 – The thugs finally reappear. I wondered where they went. Pacing is fine as they take the guests hostage and Jason freezes up, as meanwhile Jenny races to Africa for the cure.
78 – why doesn’t Colin try cutting off this hair if he hates it so much?
82 – sexiest vs. sexists
87 – Again the big “change back” moment needs some kind of lightening-flash emphasis. A sound, an effect – something to make it a big deal.
Best of luck to you and thanks for sharing,
KM read -
A review of BAGGAGEby kmwriter on 06/11/2009The shell of a potentially promising work here. Strong characters for the most part and a solid ending. However, like many character-driven dramas, this one was too dialogue-heavy for the big screen. As a stage-play, this would work excellently. You have some good commentary on the evolution of human relationships. But there were pages and pages of characters talking without... The shell of a potentially promising work here. Strong characters for the most part and a solid ending. However, like many character-driven dramas, this one was too dialogue-heavy for the big screen. As a stage-play, this would work excellently. You have some good commentary on the evolution of human relationships. But there were pages and pages of characters talking without any action, so your actual story became lost in the process.
Running notes:
No need for CONT or CONTINUOUS in a spec script.
Nice opening montage – set up the misery or wonder of Valentine's Day, depending on who you are with.
Only need to CAP the character in action when they first appear. Normal capitalization is fine after that.
Some of your action/descriptive lines can be trimmed for a faster read. For instance, pg. 4: “EMILY listens intently. She tries to speak, but can't find the words. Her eyes slowly start to become glossy, as tears begin to form.”
Versus:
"Emily listens intently. She tries to speak, but nothing comes out. Tears fill her eyes."
Yours is nicer writing, well-suited for a novel, perhaps – but you just want the bare minimum in a script. Only what can be shown.
Mike and Keith are good contrasting characters.
Pg. 8 – we meet a third set of characters, and it seems that this will be a patchwork of interwoven love stories, in Love Actually-style. Some of Melissa’s and Jay’s attributes you describe can’t be seen – “JAY is attractive but extremely awkward. MELISSA is loud, obnoxious, and not the brightest bulb.” You’ll have to SHOW the audience through their words and actions. Same on pg. 13: “Although the night is almost perfect, they both acknowledge how it borders on 'over the top.' – All we know is they laughed.
9 – “Melissa (runs) out of sight” (vs. has ran)
11 – Keith and Aubrey’s introduction was great – two anti-mushy realists hanging at the bar. But then they dived right into theorizing and hypothesizing about relationships. It seemed strange coming from them after their prior nonchalance on the subject. Maybe they just need to say what they’re saying more sarcastically – I don’t know…
15 – FADE IN/OUT is only used at the beginning/ends of scripts. You can use TIME CUT, or a new slug showing candles burned much lower to show the passing of time.
16 – good contrast between ‘true love’ and drunken ‘lust’ between the different couples. But there are so many characters, I’m not sure who to focus on.
16-22 – these pages are almost entirely dialogue. Not only do we need some visual action, I just don’t know any guys who hang out talking about relationships like this. Maybe a comment or two, but 7 pages?? Now women, that's a different story...
Then, 22-26, the exact same thing with the ‘girls night’ (even YOU called it cliché!). That’s a solid ten pages of conversation about romantic relationships. The guys/girls describe things, but I’d rather see it happen. This would make excellent stage-play material, however.
26 – “isn’t (allowed) to come see me” – good hint of something sordid in the past, and subtext that Aubrey might still have feelings for this mysterious Chris character.
27 – If it’s important the audience know it’s a month or week later, you’ll have to show them the passage of time somehow: changing seasons, roses dying in a vase, etc. They can’t see your slugs.
Why did Jay slap himself? He breaks up over the phone – watch the unfilmables: “JAY can't believe that he actually just used that line.” Maybe he should slap his forehead and wince, then? Approaching act two – and there’s a break-up. Again, EXciting, but not INciting. Still not sure who the protagonist is, but someone’s got to face some challenges at some point.
32 – “And I guess that's the difference. You seem like you don't have to be told or shown my feelings because you just accept them, and you're happy. But, for whatever reason, I don't work that way. If I don't get some sort of verbal reassurance I feel inadequate. Does that make any sense?” – wow, this from a twenty-something guy? Maybe you can make the formal dialogue more plausible by having Mike be a psych major in college, so he likes to analyze his own psyche. It’s an interesting reversal to have the male half of the relationship concerned with the emotional commitment, but right now, it’s like reading a book.
33 – Again, more expositional conversation, this time between Keith and Aubrey. All we’ve seen so far is people talking to each other about life and love. You set up the characters in a scene at the beginning, then it’s all conversation for the next few pages. What’s going on in the movie? Remember, it’s a visual medium.
40 pages in and Keith has an audition. Chris finally appears, but with no description. He wants a date with Aubrey. These are only two ‘events’ happening, and we didn’t even get to see the audition – just heard the characters talk about it. In the words of your character, Keith (43) “Actions speak louder than words.”
41 – 46 – the guys sit in a bar and discuss sex and relationships again. Jay’s speech is very long, almost a soliloquy. Quite atypical of a red-blooded American guy just out to get laid.
50 – Jay blows it, Keith hooks up, and Mike lets a girl hit on him. I like how you set up his emotional neediness that places him in this compromising position.
52 – At last, some action: Keith jumps to save Aubrey from Chris...not really knowing what happened in the past, I don’t feel the significance of Chris’ presence yet. And then he's gone, just as soon as he arrived. What was his purpose, other than to bring Keith and Aubrey together?
60 – turn to act three: Mike has cheated. Another of many montages. “MIKE is walking the streets of LA. MIKE is trying to decide what he should do about EMILY. He passes the coffee shop that he usually goes to with EMILY, he sees several happy couples together, and he seems to be becoming more and more distraught. MIKE continues to walk the streets, desperate for answers.” How does the audience know what Mike is thinking? Or that he and Emily always go to a particular coffee shop? Need some clearer visual representation of the inner struggle he’s experiencing.
Emily breaks up with Mike over phone – he gets sloshed. There's the visual reaction we need. Keith hangs with Aubrey – gets a callback. It would have been a nice change of scenery to see Keith in action at these auditions happening off-stage.
65 – I like that Mike reveals daddy issues that explain some of his grief – a personal vow not to repeat parental mistakes. Emily expresses her doubts about break-up to Aubrey. More relationship analysis.
70 – Keith gets gig – friends drag his drunk behind out to celebrate. Aubrey and Mike analyze the break-up over champagne.
83 – A third (or is it fourth?) montage: Keith and Aubrey really hit it off, Mike drowns further in misery – Jay hits on girl after girl, failing. The largest character arcs are being expressed through montages, which works once or twice, but this is a lot.
86 – Fast forward: it’s been a month – Em’s met a guy but feels guilty. And intervention for Mike – now an unemployed alcoholic. A lengthy verbal session as they convince him to enter rehab. Here, Mike’s dialogue reflects his character change: from polite gentleman in the beginning to foul-mouth lush. That was well done. A strong character arc, though in an unfortunate direction for Mike.
Yet another montage – Mike flying to meet mom – tearful scene – scenes of his rehab.
95 – Keith loses gig. I wasn't ever really clear on the purpose of the audition angle. Was it to boost Keith's confidence or responsibility level, in contrast to Mike's gradual disinterest in life?
99 – NICE full circle back to Valentine’s Day – the former love-cynic Keith buying flowers for Aubrey as Mike deals with the loss of love. Jay has found someone, apparently. His storyline was the weakest, and I never really connected to his character.
101 – I do like Mike's 'healing' as he returns ready for a fresh start. Then, return to opening scene as we realize it’s dying Mike on the other end of the phone call. This is all well done.
The end is particularly good - nice job depicting the triumph and tragedy of love. One good thing about this: it could be shot on a fairly low budget (except I noticed a lot of pop song/movie references – you’ll want to take care with that. It means obtaining a lot of rights and you don’t want a studio to pass on your project for something so minor).
But the focus was turned inward, taking a deep, close look at what drives us in our quest to find love and how our emotional baggage affects our interaction with others. I like how you showed three different couples finding their own unique way to love, and the end was a tragic, bittersweet twist. However, there was so little build-up to it, the full impact wasn't felt.
As I said, this would make an excellent stage-play, but there needs to be more action to hold the audience's attention as a film. (Maybe as an introspective indie project?) But clean, thoughtful writing and some good material to work with, whichever direction you decide to take it.
Best of luck,
KM read -
A review of A Boy's Tailby kmwriter on 06/08/2009Lots of positives in this one. Obviously a great concept - never seen anything like it! It's a well-paced, quick, and funny read with no words wasted and excellent grammar and structure. Running notes: Teacher stereotypes - thank you for not making them completely foolish - a pet peeve of mine. But no first-day introductions? Might be nice to see the other students meet Tad... Lots of positives in this one. Obviously a great concept - never seen anything like it! It's a well-paced, quick, and funny read with no words wasted and excellent grammar and structure.
Running notes:
Teacher stereotypes - thank you for not making them completely foolish - a pet peeve of mine. But no first-day introductions? Might be nice to see the other students meet Tad for the first time.
It doesn't seem likely that Tommy would sing “ragtime gal” – can you find something more current? And she overwhelms Thad in her scenes – I'd take care about focusing on her so much right away.
While the writing and dialogue is snappy and witty, some of the teen voices and references are just a bit too sharp (Hannibal Lecter, for example). Good way to appeal to wider audience, but a little self-serving to the script and not completely natural.
Lots of funny irony – Tommy ‘buying’ Tad lunch with his own money. I'd like to see more of Tommy 'forcing' this unlikely friendship. Your characters are distinct and unique - nice job. Like Brock's lisp: reminds me of the dogs in UP – a twist on the familiar bad-guy.
A switch blade in school? She might smuggle it in, but the second it shows up (even if fake), every one of those kids would be flat on their duffs in detention. No adults are around to see and stop this fight?
19 – “will be (t)he homecoming dance…”
STU – “a paragon of virtue and morality” – too formal for a 14-year-old
21/22 – The Kelly dream has mature overtones, as does the profanity, which comes as a surprise after the simplistic opening. Who’s your target audience again? Not enough raunch to appeal to the American Pie crowd, but too many mature references in an otherwise sweet, simple story for the kids. Even HS Musical was clean.
26 – hit the turn to act two early with the locker room/tail revelation. I really like the way the tail is rather its own character – maybe you could have shown it moving involuntarily in class before now, and Tad trying to hide it?
Great sight gags – Stu hanging in the bathroom. Very humorous visuals that will play well onscreen.
28 – Tommy rolls away - I'd love to see a running gag with this teacher chasing after her down the hall!
Some of the parental speeches about self-acceptance and unconditional love are just a bit pat – could be more real, conversational.
30 – Pace slows a bit here. I'm not sure about Tad inviting Tommy over. It seems out of character for the recently-ashamed, picked on shy kid. Maybe they should run into Tommy while out shopping and Tad’s mom introduces her and invites over her son’s "new little friend" – in that embarrassing way mothers do.
32 – Mom and Dad should be capitalized
TOMMY - Seriously, though, Tadford. I would like to check out your crib…” still a bit iffy to parents. I'm getting mixed signals as to the nature of this script - if aimed at the younger crowd, this pushes the limits. Can you bring up something in conversation that Tommy wants to see – a collectible item or something to reduce the creepiness here?
35 – “Rad” is no longer in the high school vocabulary. Sweet is already on its way out – watch a few episodes of the Disney channel for some better current slang.
40 – I’d like to see Tad roped into the gymnastics thing, given his self-consciousness about his tail and rapidly dropping popularity rating. Tommy is the perfect catalyst for this; she can threaten to reveal something about him (discovered at his home?) to drag him reluctantly into this – some kind of payback. Because I don’t see a red-blooded American boy in his first year of high school making many of the decisions Tad does.
43 – now we have Tad’s sudden fame and athletic offers – it’s too late for act two and too early for act three – the structure feels a bit off. His sudden self-confidence might be more gradual, i.e., that arrogant strut should come AFTER montage scenes of his success on the pep squad, beloved mascot at games, continued skill in gymnastics...let him come into his own confidence through the culmination of growing popularity over time.
50 – the evolution joke is funny enough with the mention of losing a tail – I would drop the whole Darwinism vs. Creationism angle. It’s too controversial a topic for this light-hearted film and quite frankly, wouldn’t happen in most schools.
52 – Brock “Oh yeah? Well now, thi(S) ith about to ju(S)t happen.” – I thought he couldn’t pronounce ‘s’? This happens a lot – check his dialogue.
53 – I like how Tad’s tail helps him defeat the bully, but where’s the looming crisis? Now Tad’s popular, so now what? How does he learn through his choices, how will he grow as a character? And a bad experience in junior high was mentioned – didn’t Tad’s tail help him then, too? Maybe it’s just now taking on a life of its own, to Tad’s shock – and to the regret of his Dad, who removed his before realizing it had a personality? Just musing...
Okay, we have the unlikely foe of Kelly who’s plotting against Tommy and Tad; a good character reversal, but this revenge comes out of nowhere, except for the Creationism debate. I'd like to see more of her growing hatred for him before now.
58 – Tommy rolls off again – another chance to have a teacher chase her for a comical running gag – and again on 61...
68 – the feud between Tommy and Kelly is great stuff, but the focus is on them and other secondary characters most of the time. These characters overwhelm Tad as your protagonist.
69 – extra “Kelly and” after “The Misfits”
70 – Brock can say “highnesses”? Again, if going for the lisp, it should be consistent.
72 – TAD “My heart feels like it’s going a million beats a minute.” Not the kind of thing a boy his age would say out loud. Maybe you could have Tommy ask “What’s that – your cell phone on vibrate?” And Tad: “No, just my heart.” Keep the comical simplicity, even in a romantic moment. They’re kids, after all.
Why the double spacing of song lyrics?
KELLY “untoward advances” – “vile appendage” – way, way too formal for this age, even if a geek. And she’s not spoken this way up till now. Stu was the formal one. Where has he been, by the way? I’d think he’d be on this big scene, snapping pics with his ever-present camera.
85 – The reconciliation between Tommy and Tad might be better if there’d been a bigger rift. And now a lull as they talk of moving and changing schools –
88 – Good, Stu is back and he saves the day – maybe we needed to see him a bit more. And if Stu knew about all this, wouldn’t he just hand over the tape as evidence before the big PTA meeting and expulsion? Why let it get to this point and make a huge scene, besides making a statement for bullied kids like himself everywhere?
Stu installed security cams all over the school? This is a stretch – if he’s this smart, he’d outsmart the dummy bullies long before now. I’d rather he just shot the film himself from hiding. And a principal wouldn’t praise that action, he’d suspend Stu for unlawful voyeurism.
And Kelly’s ‘punishment’ is also illegal and would bring a lawsuit from her parents that they’d win, hands down. As is Brock’s public shame. No school would permit this, I’m sorry. The reinstatement of Tad is enough, plus maybe some tail-friendly, bully-proof safeguards around school. But to teach audiences that public shame and humiliation is an acceptable form of revenge is pushing the envelope.
A nice story, and quite an unusual concept that deserves high marks. My hesitation is only that the events sort of happen to Tad – he isn’t an active protagonist making life-changing decisions. The focus stays long on secondary characters who are the center of conflict, while Tad’s only character development is the acceptance of his tail, which he never despises in an obvious way.
The other major issue is plausibility of actions and events in a school setting. Sorry to pull the teacher card, but unless you’re going for a wackier teen sex-comedy vibe (which ignores all rules of social behavior in its debauchery), the disregard doesn’t work in an otherwise sweet and wholesome story. Again, I'm not sure who the target audience is, but the final scenes of revenge and public humiliation canceled out your nobler theme of self-acceptance and tolerance.
Excellent writing, nevertheless, and lots of creative thought - well done!
KM read -
A review of Teatime of the Apocalypse (3rd Draft)by kmwriter on 06/07/2009A well-written, satirical, absurd farce; and not a bad idea. It’s been done successfully – I thought of Robin William’s TOYS right away, and the more recent Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy with its backward logic and peculiarity. Sometimes audiences like a deviation from the formula – there’s a twisted fascination with wondering what possible insane scene will appear next... A well-written, satirical, absurd farce; and not a bad idea. It’s been done successfully – I thought of Robin William’s TOYS right away, and the more recent Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy with its backward logic and peculiarity. Sometimes audiences like a deviation from the formula – there’s a twisted fascination with wondering what possible insane scene will appear next. However, as well as this material might work in a brief Monty Python sketch or stage-play, I have doubts about its potential on the big screen, at least, as it stands now.
As for the story – your logline was great, I couldn’t wait to see how this ridiculous-sounding plot played out! You caught my attention immediately with your absurd scenes and satire – armor made of Venetian blinds, Christmas as a religion, tinfoil as currency, and critics as the mortal enemy. Excellent irony and wild, vivid imagery – good job.
I was charmed on page one, but then realized this would contain horror/murder elements and the creativity was tainted for the rest of the script, unfortunately. Personally, I think the absurd comedy works much better from a lighter perspective: i.e. in Hitchhiker, violence occurred, but was not brutal, or at least implied offstage if anything close. Perhaps a humorous treatment of the 'stabbings' would make this more palatable.
I see you referenced Masterpiece Theatre and indeed, the dialogue is formal to the extreme. This was another oddity that almost canceled out the wonderful, quirky humor. It is intended to be an unlikely juxtaposition for contrast, I understand. But it made it a bit inaccessible, as far as likability of and sympathy for characters. Nice tie-in, however, with the Victorian costume. It’s as if these characters were plucked from a novel and dropped into the most outlandish sci-fi universe imaginable. And what a challenge for wardrobe with this paper/plastic fashion ensembles!
“Undergarments for your birthday…” excellent dry humor, quite ironic given the circumstances and setting. “Purpose or a mint? They both sort of melt in your mouth, don’t they?” – nicely woven statements on society and the human condition. But like you said, very art-house. The dialogue tends toward commentary vs. conversational.
As for character voices, Rudolph and Theo were virtually indistinguishable at first, except in purpose. But the truth-seeker Noel had a fresh, unique voice – I liked her hyper-talkiness and mixed metaphors, but wasn’t sure what her role was for quite some time. It was fun to follow the characters as they explored the “Old Society” marketplace and encountered ‘relics’ from the past (like the ‘fine wine’ of a ’98 Twinkie!), but I found myself asking – where is this fun ride going, exactly?
For example, by page 10, I was intrigued by this crazy, wonderful world you’d created, but I had no sense of a story yet. Theo and Rudolph – which is the protagonist? They’re heading into this fashion-war, but it’s only the bizarre that holds my attention at this point. And there are new characters introduced in nearly every scene. I quickly lost track, despite re-readings.
33 - the turn to act two: Noel mistakes the hapless trio as superheroes, worthy of defeating those critical foes. Rudolph declares ‘war’ and we’re off. Impeccable formatting and grammar. But where is the looming crisis, other than rampant self-delusion? What compels us to stay with these characters in this fantastical journey?
Around 60 – the typical turn to act three – more conversation and information via flashback. The irony of Theo, Rudolph, and Blossom’s scheme and ‘rise to fame’ is not lost, just not leading anywhere. No clear turning point and the intense stabbings seem out of place in the otherwise droll environment.
78 – Finally, some ‘truth,’ at least for Noel. I really liked Willamina’s speech: “mankind always prefers being comfortable to being good…” – brilliant writing. And I liked how you handled the return to “music” (order, harmony, truth) with the bicycle spokes on the monument to futility – so much subtext, I don’t where to begin! By the time we reach the dramatic showdown with the critic’s reviews, the parody has grown somewhat tiresome. It lasted several pages and I felt there could have been a better climax before we drifted off toward an end with restorative talk of home, love, and virtue.
It is the social/political/religious commentary that bogs down what otherwise is fairly light-hearted fare. I like how the characters finally begin to question the logic of their reasoning and examine why they follow blindly the erroneous beliefs and perspectives due to social expectations. I’m not sure trimming the heavy dialogue will improve the marketability of the work as a film, but as it is now, I think it is wonderful material for an engaging stage drama.
All the best,
KM read -
A review of Night Justice - 2nd draftby kmwriter on 06/06/2009Disturbing, yet compelling. I didn't read the first draft, but this one is fairly clean (I included some grammatical comments below). Only thing that stood out structure-wise is that new paragraphs are typically indented. But this may be an intentional choice on the part of the author. Some very nice turns of phrase: "full throated chimes." Well-developed characters: I pitied... Disturbing, yet compelling. I didn't read the first draft, but this one is fairly clean (I included some grammatical comments below). Only thing that stood out structure-wise is that new paragraphs are typically indented. But this may be an intentional choice on the part of the author.
Some very nice turns of phrase: "full throated chimes." Well-developed characters: I pitied Narl and the young 'recruits' greatly - this is an unfortunate reality for some children in parts of the world. His pangs of guilt and remorse as he attempts to concentrate on this bloody task are hard felt, as was the tragic "lack of expression" or child's playfulness. When the boys attempt to read the charges and stumble over a large word, the youthfulness contrasts with the severity of the intended deed for heart-rending effect. And I was repulsed by Globus' sliminess - nice job evoking an emotional response with your characters.
Running notes:
Not sure why the first sentence (page 3, 7, etc.) is often set off from the rest of the paragraph.
Pg. 4 - "I'll do the patrol then, shall I?" (you meant it as a rhetorical question, right?)
Many missing commas (i.e. page 6 - "like everyone, he had to complete...) and there are quite a few instances of double spaces between words (spell check should catch that).
Pg. 8 - "close the bloody thing" (quote attached to Foxtan) and barely vs. barley
Pg. 12 - quotes before Globus in your prose
With all the physical description of setting, this seems like it would work better in a visual format. Good job building tension, though. Despite not knowing the purpose of the Guilders or anything about their organization, you set up a compelling scenario where the reader is caught up in the action and suspense.
Overall, the ironic "justice" leaves me with a sense of tragic sadness. The idea that the boys have entered a dark place in their soul where they are capable of torture and murder battles the internal reaction of revenge and recompense. It's that deep, dark response we must all feel at some point - something so socially wrong, yet fundamentally rousing a hidden sense of atonement within us, despite our efforts to hide it.
An interesting way to address a complex aspect of society and the human psyche. Well done!
KM read -
A review of The Dolphin Hotelby kmwriter on 06/06/2009I've seen this one floating about on TS for some time and was glad to find it among my assignments. Though I'm not sure it fits into the genre of short stories exactly, it does strike a chord with the lyrical rhythm, repetition, and phrasing of a prose poem, which I happen to enjoy. I can't comment on structure, since it doesn't fit a typical story format. I can't comment... I've seen this one floating about on TS for some time and was glad to find it among my assignments.
Though I'm not sure it fits into the genre of short stories exactly, it does strike a chord with the lyrical rhythm, repetition, and phrasing of a prose poem, which I happen to enjoy.
I can't comment on structure, since it doesn't fit a typical story format. I can't comment on plot, since there isn't one -- exactly. But I can comment on the theme of this work: you captured beautifully the essence of something that happens to fascinate me as well.
I once scribbled this:
"One of those rainy mornings,
I come returning from the deep,
Drifting back to shores of life
from dreamy realms of barely sleep.." etc...
My own effort to capture a similar impression, (if I'm not mistaken, which I very well might be!) of that indistinct lingering of *something* found only in those mysterious moments between sleep and waking. The welcome fragrance of a fleeting essence as you regain consciousness - dreamlike, yet struggling with all your soul to get back to that place - perhaps oft visited - where the suggestion of something wonderful is ever just about to happen.
To me, it's that longing to retrieve the unattainable, an intriguing storyline with no end, yet an insatiable desire to experience it. The product of your thoughts, desires, experiences, longings, emotions, memories: but the antithesis to a nightmare. The place you would choose to stay forever, given the chance. There are elements that you remember - distinct facts and images - and you ponder them systematically as you drift and doze, hoping to prompt the dream again...but the frustration of getting so close, only to wake.
Maybe I'm way off, but that's the beauty of ambiguous writing - it can be interpreted so many different ways and become so personal to the reader.
Does this belong in a short story section? Probably not. But I was pleased to find this gem - like a sweet aftertaste, it left a smile on my face.
Well done!
(Now, work it into a story ;-) read -
A review of The Secrets We Don't Sayby kmwriter on 05/30/2009A nice, earthy story that touches the innermost human emotions through the meeting of kindred spirits, even if only for the briefest of moments in a lifetime. While many resist what may seem an "unrealistic" spilling of one's guts to a stranger, this does happen. People exist - we've met them - with no reservations, with an open mind and an open heart, searching. Sometimes... A nice, earthy story that touches the innermost human emotions through the meeting of kindred spirits, even if only for the briefest of moments in a lifetime.
While many resist what may seem an "unrealistic" spilling of one's guts to a stranger, this does happen. People exist - we've met them - with no reservations, with an open mind and an open heart, searching. Sometimes it's a moment of vulnerability in an otherwise stale, hum-drum existence. A lifting of the veil that happens at the precise moment someone special is there to witness it and become inspired to do the same.
I like the setting - that mystical time of evening between day and night when we feel most nostalgic, most willing, most free. The fine details - hair, smell, tone of voice - all paint a clear picture of this stranger who turns out to be so much more. I also liked the sensual undercurrent - the hint that it's not just a mutual emptiness that pulls the narrator from his despondency, but a hope sparked by this girl's wild spirit and beauty. The way he excused behavior he otherwise disliked (i.e. smoking) revealed the pseudo-fantasy of the moment as he dares to let his mind wander into the possibilities, thus opening his soul to share all that mattered to him.
The only noticeable element was Olivia's description of the piano player, which I thought might have been smoother had she spoken the entire story, rather than just the first and last sentence.
A lovely little vignette about a meaningful, memorable moment in time with lasting effect on the heart. Well done.
KM read
Comments About kmwriter 84
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gridlock on 10/17/2009
Not a problem. It was a good story. Ever think of turning it into a short script?
JD -
agilitygsd on 08/16/2009
Are you OK? I've noticed you haven't been on "the street" recently - hope you're just busy writing - miss reading your wonderful reviews -
-Kele -
Ducey on 07/11/2009
Your reviews are excellent.
Here's hoping you draw an assignment by me. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 07/11/2009
I'm glad the notes are helpful to you! Good luck with the rewrites on Pirate Tree. -
Chris&Nikki on 07/06/2009
That might be very interesting. Thanks for the thought. Thanks to your review, we've finally been able to pin point where we went wrong, and it's that we skipped the basics. We didn't outline as well as we should have and we got lost early, with no possibility of recovery.
We have made some wholesale changes (and a full outline...novel concept!) with a focus on the basics. We had written some funny stuff, and then just tried to jam it all in. This is not a successful formula. We have defined Cali's goal better. We have strenghtened her character more. Basically, we've done the things we should have finished on day one. Instead, we got antsy and started writing the script.
Anyway, thanks again for helping us to get to that point, and for showing us some of the places we went wrong.
You've been a tremendous help!
C&N -
Chris&Nikki on 07/06/2009
Yeah, damn that Jim Carrey. We had finished the first draft of our script when we saw previews for "Yes Man" and they were annoying to watch. Thanks for your review, and all of the time you took to write so many notes. We appreciate how thorough you were, and we are very anxious to take another pass at THE POWER OF SUGGESTION. Take care, and happy writing. -
Wilsun on 07/04/2009
Hi KM! :-) How are you? -
agilitygsd on 06/27/2009
kmwriter wrote:Congrats on the ROM (and the blue star!) Welcome to the club!
KM
Thanks - you are my role model for reviews - I haven't attained your skill, but I'm working on it. -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 06/25/2009
kmwriter wrote:Isn't it great? Really sticks with you....
I mean the script, not my review...(just to clarify ;-)
Haha. Yes, got it. No need to clarify! :-) -
**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 06/24/2009
George Sand wrote:Awesome review on Eternity Bomb! Great job!
I concur! Though the ROM was up to the challenge as well.
;-)
Thanks you two.
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Comments About kmwriter 84
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Not a problem. It was a good story. Ever think of turning it into a short script?
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Are you OK? I've noticed you haven't been on "the street" recently - hope you're just busy writing - miss reading your wonderful reviews -
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Your reviews are excellent.
+ more commentsgridlock on 10/17/2009
JD
agilitygsd on 08/16/2009
-Kele
Ducey on 07/11/2009
Here's hoping you draw an assignment by me.