a screenplay
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A young space pup must prove herself fit to fly despite her handicap.
kokopelli
member since 06/14/2003 |
last login 03/16/2012
I started writing in 2001. I became interested in screenwriting in 2002 after attending Creative Screenwriter confernece in LA. I recieved my Screenwriting Certificate from UCLA in 2009. I have won or placed innumerous contests, most recently Script Savvy, First Place and...
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Bio
I started writing in 2001. I became interested in screenwriting in 2002 after attending Creative Screenwriter confernece in LA. I recieved my Screenwriting Certificate from UCLA in 2009. I have won or placed innumerous contests, most recently Script Savvy, First Place and Story Pros, Finalist. Currently I run a business with my wife, I coordinate a kids film program at a local high school and ... like you, I write, with sleep being an intermittent necessity.
Submissions by kokopelli
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a screenplay by kokopelliEscaping the destruction of her space ship, an insecure pup becomes a castaway on a planet of ruthless killers
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a screenplay by kokopelliWhen an insecure high school teacher learns that he is simply the shell for a ruthless demon warrior summoned by... more
Reviews by kokopelli 13
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A review of Croatoaby kokopelli on 01/08/2012I’m a history buff and especially love this period, and while I’m titillated with the possibilities of what happened to this community, I was not provisioned for the overlong dreariness of this journey. There are sever problems with your script in structural and character development and it made the reading difficult. The major problem being page count. You are going to have...
I’m a history buff and especially love this period, and while I’m titillated with the possibilities of what happened to this community, I was not provisioned for the overlong dreariness of this journey. There are sever problems with your script in structural and character development and it made the reading difficult. The major problem being page count. You are going to have to find a way to cut this down to a tight 110 pages and less if possible. The only way I can see this being accomplished is by starting your story near the departure of Governor White, then giving us a deeper story of the community so we can get to know individual characters better, then after the Spanish leave, let it end. You have a lot of work to do to make this happen but that's the challenge of writing successful historical dramas. Below are some page notes, followed by general notes in other areas.
Page 1 – 12
• In 12 pages we’ve met 17 characters … even in this kind of story (historical drama), that’s difficult to keep track of. But, the real problem is that there is no one character that stands out as the Main Character, the one who has a goal that relates to the start of the thematic journey. My suggestion is that you reconsider your opening, and use either a major SUPER to open with more information, or a VO by a story teller. Open closer to the Main Character who can explain her/his goal and its relationship to what is happening in the narrative/plot of the story. Right now, because the Main and Goal are missing I’m losing interest and so will an audience. While this is a historical drama, it needs the appropriate structure (Main, Goal, Appropriate Plot Points, etc, etc) to keep it from floundering in the Second Act when you try making up ground.
Page 14 –
• If we are going to go back in time to see what happened at Roanock, then you have to give us a FLASHBACK in the slugline, even if you do a SUPER.
Page 15 -
• At the end of the FLASHBACK you need to give us an END OF FLASHBACK, or BACK TO SCENE so we know where we are.
Page 20 –
• A ships spyglass/telescope, at that time was a very remedial affair with very small optics. It was difficult, in good weather to spot anything and surely would have been nearly impossible to use in a pitching storm as you’re describing here.
Page 87 –
• LOL … I like this scene between those who killed the natives and those who just found out. It’s just like politics today … nothing’s changed.
Page 90 –
• The chief speaks of everything but the brutal killing of his fellow tribesmen? I think at this point rather than having any discussion, you might just want to show the natives. We know they’re going to be going to war, we don’t really need to hear the discussion, unless it’s going to be something we don’t know.
Page 95 –
• It is way too late to begin adding characters and new threads to the story. I refer to the beginnings of a story about the natives. And, at this point these people wouldn’t have any idea about “English, Spanish, French” … or the not so subtle European political divisions.
Page 108 –
• The Chief’s Son understands English?
Page 110 and on
• Lots of exposition necessary to tell us the story. This would better done with more clues during the story and less talking here about the nuanced political issues of the day. I know it’s interesting but the audience will never sit through this.
End –
• Adding new characters and a new story … the sudden publication of a book … is not a sound way to end this story. Plus it adds pages you don’t really need at this point.
Overall –
Commercial Possiblities – Period pieces just do not sell. I love’em and many folks do, but you won’t convince anyone with money to make this. It’s overly ambitious, too long, without the proper structure and doesn’t have any car crashes. I know about this because of the numerous scripts I’ve written that are good stories but are not what anyone wants to make.
Tone – Dark, dark, dark. There is not a single moment of light here and you might have intended this but the problem with writing dramas is that you have to have moments of light to provide contrast. Almost every page is filled with the hopelessness of the situation or the underlying threat of the Queen or Fernandez or the Spanish or the Natives or the Spy or …. get my drift. You have to let up. We have to believe that Eleanor has a chance of happiness, that Governor White will buck up and save the community from ruin, that the English will just go away. If there isn’t a glimmer of hope, then it’s just a straight, downhill ride all the way and it’s more fun if we’re kept guessing by the up and down bumps of the story.
Dialogue – There is too much redundant dialogue, everything from the Governors dead wife, to the constant threat of the Queen. All of this adds up to a lot of unnecessary dialogue, which contributes to an overlong script. While you write fairly good dialogue, very often there is not enough tension in it and you can add that with fewer words and more subtext. The few scenes with the Governor and Captain have some tension because they’re at odds. My suggestion is to make massive cuts in your dialogue and concentrate on writing more conflict into your existing dialogue. Then there are moments where you have dialogue between people who wouldn’t speak the same language and these really need to be changed.
Character – As I state in Page Notes, too many. And worse than that there is no real Main Character for us to adhere to. Even in historical pieces you need a strong MC with a goal. At some points I feel like the Gov. is the main and at others Eleanor. The Governor is the only one standing at the end so it might be him, but he has no arc and for a big section he’s not even around. As for the other characters, you have spent so much time describing the dreary, dangerous journey and adding so many characters that it’s difficult to manage bonding with many of them. From page to page, I really didn’t know who was who for many of your secondary characters. What happens in that case is that I start disregarding them. The other problem is that the dialogue of each character is written in that older English patter that they all sound the same. This is a difficult undertaking because you are endeavoring to show us a community, but it’s difficult to follow, again because of the sweeping scope of the trying to build a broad story rather than telling a small piece of it.
Structure – This is nearly non-existent. There is no single hard-beat at any point past the group leaving England which is around page 12. This makes reading the story a veritable journey of survival and that is not fun. My suggestion here would be to cut the opening scenes so that the journey begins earlier than 12, cut the ocean voyage and the betrayal of the Captain. That can be inferred in a number of ways to show that the group has been dropped of purposely at the wrong place, late in the season.
The other issue with the structure is at the end when you should be ending your story you add the story of the Doctor, then the story of the decedent Virginia at the publisher … that comes so out of right field as to have taken me right out of the end of the story. These two pieces are episodic, making the story unnecessarily long and totally cut up. Really consider cutting both and if you have to say something about the Gov, do it in a tagged in SUPER, then end the story. read -
A review of The Riddle of Rudolf Hess - rev'd 3by kokopelli on 12/16/2011A mystery within the Third Reich, creats havoic within Hitlers trusted ranks. Title page – • For here it’s okay to add which Draft this is, but when you prepare to send this out, don’t put any mention of which Draft it is. Page 1 – • “Rudolph forcefully speaks” Watch your redundant writing. It’s obvious he speaks because of the next line of dialogue, so you don’t need to... A mystery within the Third Reich, creats havoic within Hitlers trusted ranks.
Title page –
• For here it’s okay to add which Draft this is, but when you prepare to send this out, don’t put any mention of which Draft it is.
Page 1 –
• “Rudolph forcefully speaks” Watch your redundant writing. It’s obvious he speaks because of the next line of dialogue, so you don’t need to tell us. If you want that actor to know it’s “forceful” then add that word as a wryly, beneath the Character name.
Page 3 –
• Dialogue “Those eyes don’t full anyone.” Should be “Those eyes don’t fool anyone.”
Page 4 –
• So much of this dialogue between Hess and Kennedy is expositional and written in a manner that makes it on-the-nose. Just one example is … Kennedy has been guarding one of the most famous war criminals in history … I would imagine that each and every guard knows exactly how old Rudolph Hess is. I know you have to give your audience some information, here’s a couple of was you might consider doing that:
1. Start your story with a V.O. that can give us this information.
2. Start your story with an insert and write the very pertinent facts.
3. Start your story with Kennedy being a new guard, and another guard is showing him the ropes and as such is telling him some of the basic history.
That’s just three, but there are more ways to make this dialogue more palatable.
Page 5 –
• Most of your audience, even those with a fairly good grasp of history, won’t know what the N.S.D.A.P. is … so write it out.
• I like this sentence about “proving yourself to a friend” and then it’s Adolph Hitler. But, consider taking out “I’ll start at the beginning.” This again, is redundant and not needed. Just end the dialogue and go right to the next scene. Maybe have him look thoughtfully at Kennedy, like he’s considering a discussion, then he says, simply “Okay.” And the story starts.
• We can’t possibly see alcohol escaping from Fritz’s pores, so don’t write this.
• If his name is FRITZ HESS SR. as you put it in dialogue, then put it that way in his introduction.
Pages 6 – 13
• You are writing a bio-flick, and while it’s historical and you can take some liberty with the story, what you’ve written here is so flagrantly wrong as to be comical. Hess Sr. was not a murderous drunk, he was an international businessman.
This is from Rudolph’s son in the son’s description of the family background :
My father was born in Alexandria, Egypt, on April 26, 1894, the first son of Fritz Hess, a respected and well-to-do merchant. The Hess family personified the prosperity, standing and self-assurance of the German Reich of that period.
The Hess family did not leave Egypt in a cloud of automobile dust, in fact they lived in Egypt
until Rudolph was 13 or so. The scene in the bar is ridiculous, as if Hess Sr. killed 4 people and then
just calmly walked away and no police were involved. Egypt, at the time, was extremely authoritarian and if he had just summarily murdered 4 people he would have been arrested, his business ruined, and he would have spent life in a very bad place. I really don’t know why you’re going here, maybe there’s some information about this I’ve never seen, but it lacks credibility and makes your entire story suspect.
Really, unless there are alien beings from another planet later in your story, don’t go this far out on a limb. Someone will cut it off behind you.
Page 15 –
• Nik naks should be nick nacks.
Page 23 –
• Okay, I’m really not sure where you’re going here. But none of this is even vaguely true and it’s making it difficult to read. If this is a take-off on reality, then you need to make that clear from the beginning.
Page 25 –
• “Two bullet scares (should be scars) live on his chest.” ….. If we can’t see it then don’t write about it.
Page 26 –
• You are building a one dimensional character who only smirks or sneers. Try to give Hess something besides anger. Curiosity, love, humor, grace, bravery…. Even the worst bad guy has other qualities, and there are many.
Page 49 –
• You have an interesting story going here, but every few pages there is something so inaccurate that it takes me out of the story. The reason for this is that you have a story, but you haven’t spent much time researching facts. It would do your story much good if you knew more about the times, the characters, the real history and the fact that there was NO EURO, at that time. During that period, each country had their own currency. In Germany during the war coins were Reichmarks and paper currency was normally called Mark’s. This is the kind of thing that will kill your script.
Page 64 –
• The bartender has a STRONG GERMAN ACCENT? They’re in Germany, would he have anything but a German accent? I don’t think you need to indicate this.
• The maid would never, ever refer to her boss as Mr. Adolph Hitler. He was der Fuhrer, and that only, especially to someone like a maid. The other thing here is that it is highly improbably that Adolph Hitler would entrust his maid with a communication to anyone, let alone a maid.
Page 72 –
• The word is “traitor” not “trader.”
Page 80 –
• Why are you suddenly switching a dialogue to German? You’re changing the tone by doing that. Either we’re watching a film about Germany in English, or you have it all in German (stated at the beginning of the screenplay) and everything is subtitled. But, don’t start changing things here.
Page 92 –
• You have George speaking over and over again, without a break and it’s very difficult to read.
Robert,
There is much here to enjoy. A thriller of historical prominence is always fun, but you are so inaccurate in your historical knowledge that it continued to take me right out of the story. The audience that you are directing this story to will know a lot about history. Martin Bormann did not just disappear. While it took many years, his remains were found, and conclusively identified by DNA testing in 1998. Add to that the fact that he was in the Bunker with Hitler during the last days and your story falls apart.
As for Hess, he was slowly going insane, and in fact the British government asked that he not be tried at Nuremberg, due to the fact that he left Germany early in the war, had little to do with the war itself. But the Russians demanded it and the Brits gave in.
The other thing is that you many, many, many mistakes and misspellings that make it a difficult read. I’m not all that good with punctuation and grammar myself so I pay someone to read and correct my work. If you can’t pay someone, and you don’t possess the skill necessary, find a friend to help you. This work will never make it if you can’t manage that.
Again, this is a compelling story and if were made up fictional characters you’d be on better ground. You could make that happen, but this story, written for an audience that likes this kind of history, will not stand with the current inaccuracies.
Good luck with it, no matter what you decide.
Marc read -
A review of Seven Billion and Oneby kokopelli on 02/10/2011This is a story about a guy who'd like to do it over as the guy he'd like to be. Only thing is "things" don't work out so well. Page 1 • I know you’re just writing your story, but here’s what happens when you add music by irrationally famous groups. If a reader likes your story the next place might be a breakdown by the finance guys. They’ll price your piece adding up the... This is a story about a guy who'd like to do it over as the guy he'd like to be. Only thing is "things" don't work out so well.
Page 1
• I know you’re just writing your story, but here’s what happens when you add music by irrationally famous groups. If a reader likes your story the next place might be a breakdown by the finance guys. They’ll price your piece adding up the significant amounts to buy rights and send it back to production. Someone there will look at it and compare it with 3 other scripts that come in at or under budget and toss yours aside. They won’t even ask why. Better to leave that out, unless there’s a significant story reason why it’s in there.
Page 4
• If they’ve been down this road that many times in 12 years wouldn’t Brigitte already know what the problem is? This seems like a rehash that though funny, is unnecessary.
Page 12
• At this point we don’t have the following:
- A set up that tells us what this story is about
- A goal, as it relates to Calvin - what is it that he’s going to go after in this story? Does he want to: a. Kill the Seven, b. Kidnap the Seven and take his place, c. Start a new life …. What?
- Right here, at this point, or shortly after, Calvin needs to be headed toward that point where things are going to change.
- No real idea what the over-arching thematic process is here.
Right now this is pretty much a 12 page complaint. Don’t get me wrong, there is some glittering dialogue here and some funny moments, but it’s not going forward, it’s simple stuck in B for bitching.
Page 16/17
• You write good dialogue and funny stuff, but I would warn against to many of these scene that have literally nothing to do with the story. They eat up time that is needed to move the story forward, and nothing here about Topaz’s titties moves the story along or says anything about the character of Calvin.
Page 35
• Calvin ends up in the Bizaro world that Dr. Van Koff has somehow manufactured. Normally these kinds of worlds rules set up in advance so we know how this happened and what the groundwork is. You have skipped that step and just had Calvin end up there. Without the previous structure I place this has ground to a total stop. The only reason Calvin is now in this magical realm is because you are trying to “plot” him through the story. But it’s not working well because there’s no compelling internal process going on that we can grab onto.
• The other thing is that usually when this kind of thing takes place the magically captured is in disbelief, but Calvin just gets in the car and goes along as if everything’s cool. While the audience will suspend disbelief for this change, they won’t go along with a guy who is not a bit freaked out here. Think Family Man with Nick Cage and how he freaked out.
Page 63
• The last thing missing here is any antagonist. I’m past mid-point and there’s no one putting any pressure on the Main Character. He’s just kinda drifting around experiencing the world as Seven knows it, and not doing a very good job of that. He’s not pursuing anything, he’s not goal bound, he’s not really interested in or focused on a particular issue … in other words there’s really not much happening here.
Page 72
• If Calvin is so stupid to believe that Brigette is going to know who he is while everyone else thinks he’s the Seven then your expecting your audience to be stupid enough to buy this. They won’t be, but they will be insulted. You have to figure out what the rules are in this world and then make them apply evenly so that your Main Character doesn’t have moments like this that make no sense.
Al, while you have some moments of fun dialogue, they’re not enough to overcome the total lack of structure and real character development necessary to carry this off well. It’s not a bad idea, but it’s inconsistently processed and without the necessary goal and theme shortly loses all steam and just barely limps through the second act. By the third act, with no visible antagonist in pursuit of the same goal there is simple a linger death to the end of the story.
Sorry to beat the structure drum, but structure is not formula. Formula is tired derivate writing while structure is that engineered anatomy that will allow your work to come to life. My suggestion is to watch some of the following films that do a similar thing and see what makes them tick:
Evan Almighty
Click
13 Going on 30
Disney's The Kid
Me Myself I
Sliding Doors
Groundhog Day
Mr. Destiny
Big
Peggy Sue Got Married
Freaky Friday
Turn Back the Clock
Good luck and as always, keep writing.
marc read
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Submissions by kokopelli
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a screenplay by kokopelli
A young space pup must prove herself fit to fly despite her handicap.
-
a screenplay by kokopelli
Escaping the destruction of her space ship, an insecure pup becomes a castaway on a planet of ruthless killers
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a screenplay by kokopelli
When an insecure high school teacher learns that he is simply the shell for a ruthless demon warrior summoned by... more
Reviews by kokopelli 13
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A review of Croatoaby kokopelli on 01/08/2012I’m a history buff and especially love this period, and while I’m titillated with the possibilities of what happened to this community, I was not provisioned for the overlong dreariness of this journey. There are sever problems with your script in structural and character development and it made the reading difficult. The major problem being page count. You are going to have...
I’m a history buff and especially love this period, and while I’m titillated with the possibilities of what happened to this community, I was not provisioned for the overlong dreariness of this journey. There are sever problems with your script in structural and character development and it made the reading difficult. The major problem being page count. You are going to have to find a way to cut this down to a tight 110 pages and less if possible. The only way I can see this being accomplished is by starting your story near the departure of Governor White, then giving us a deeper story of the community so we can get to know individual characters better, then after the Spanish leave, let it end. You have a lot of work to do to make this happen but that's the challenge of writing successful historical dramas. Below are some page notes, followed by general notes in other areas.
Page 1 – 12
• In 12 pages we’ve met 17 characters … even in this kind of story (historical drama), that’s difficult to keep track of. But, the real problem is that there is no one character that stands out as the Main Character, the one who has a goal that relates to the start of the thematic journey. My suggestion is that you reconsider your opening, and use either a major SUPER to open with more information, or a VO by a story teller. Open closer to the Main Character who can explain her/his goal and its relationship to what is happening in the narrative/plot of the story. Right now, because the Main and Goal are missing I’m losing interest and so will an audience. While this is a historical drama, it needs the appropriate structure (Main, Goal, Appropriate Plot Points, etc, etc) to keep it from floundering in the Second Act when you try making up ground.
Page 14 –
• If we are going to go back in time to see what happened at Roanock, then you have to give us a FLASHBACK in the slugline, even if you do a SUPER.
Page 15 -
• At the end of the FLASHBACK you need to give us an END OF FLASHBACK, or BACK TO SCENE so we know where we are.
Page 20 –
• A ships spyglass/telescope, at that time was a very remedial affair with very small optics. It was difficult, in good weather to spot anything and surely would have been nearly impossible to use in a pitching storm as you’re describing here.
Page 87 –
• LOL … I like this scene between those who killed the natives and those who just found out. It’s just like politics today … nothing’s changed.
Page 90 –
• The chief speaks of everything but the brutal killing of his fellow tribesmen? I think at this point rather than having any discussion, you might just want to show the natives. We know they’re going to be going to war, we don’t really need to hear the discussion, unless it’s going to be something we don’t know.
Page 95 –
• It is way too late to begin adding characters and new threads to the story. I refer to the beginnings of a story about the natives. And, at this point these people wouldn’t have any idea about “English, Spanish, French” … or the not so subtle European political divisions.
Page 108 –
• The Chief’s Son understands English?
Page 110 and on
• Lots of exposition necessary to tell us the story. This would better done with more clues during the story and less talking here about the nuanced political issues of the day. I know it’s interesting but the audience will never sit through this.
End –
• Adding new characters and a new story … the sudden publication of a book … is not a sound way to end this story. Plus it adds pages you don’t really need at this point.
Overall –
Commercial Possiblities – Period pieces just do not sell. I love’em and many folks do, but you won’t convince anyone with money to make this. It’s overly ambitious, too long, without the proper structure and doesn’t have any car crashes. I know about this because of the numerous scripts I’ve written that are good stories but are not what anyone wants to make.
Tone – Dark, dark, dark. There is not a single moment of light here and you might have intended this but the problem with writing dramas is that you have to have moments of light to provide contrast. Almost every page is filled with the hopelessness of the situation or the underlying threat of the Queen or Fernandez or the Spanish or the Natives or the Spy or …. get my drift. You have to let up. We have to believe that Eleanor has a chance of happiness, that Governor White will buck up and save the community from ruin, that the English will just go away. If there isn’t a glimmer of hope, then it’s just a straight, downhill ride all the way and it’s more fun if we’re kept guessing by the up and down bumps of the story.
Dialogue – There is too much redundant dialogue, everything from the Governors dead wife, to the constant threat of the Queen. All of this adds up to a lot of unnecessary dialogue, which contributes to an overlong script. While you write fairly good dialogue, very often there is not enough tension in it and you can add that with fewer words and more subtext. The few scenes with the Governor and Captain have some tension because they’re at odds. My suggestion is to make massive cuts in your dialogue and concentrate on writing more conflict into your existing dialogue. Then there are moments where you have dialogue between people who wouldn’t speak the same language and these really need to be changed.
Character – As I state in Page Notes, too many. And worse than that there is no real Main Character for us to adhere to. Even in historical pieces you need a strong MC with a goal. At some points I feel like the Gov. is the main and at others Eleanor. The Governor is the only one standing at the end so it might be him, but he has no arc and for a big section he’s not even around. As for the other characters, you have spent so much time describing the dreary, dangerous journey and adding so many characters that it’s difficult to manage bonding with many of them. From page to page, I really didn’t know who was who for many of your secondary characters. What happens in that case is that I start disregarding them. The other problem is that the dialogue of each character is written in that older English patter that they all sound the same. This is a difficult undertaking because you are endeavoring to show us a community, but it’s difficult to follow, again because of the sweeping scope of the trying to build a broad story rather than telling a small piece of it.
Structure – This is nearly non-existent. There is no single hard-beat at any point past the group leaving England which is around page 12. This makes reading the story a veritable journey of survival and that is not fun. My suggestion here would be to cut the opening scenes so that the journey begins earlier than 12, cut the ocean voyage and the betrayal of the Captain. That can be inferred in a number of ways to show that the group has been dropped of purposely at the wrong place, late in the season.
The other issue with the structure is at the end when you should be ending your story you add the story of the Doctor, then the story of the decedent Virginia at the publisher … that comes so out of right field as to have taken me right out of the end of the story. These two pieces are episodic, making the story unnecessarily long and totally cut up. Really consider cutting both and if you have to say something about the Gov, do it in a tagged in SUPER, then end the story. read -
A review of The Riddle of Rudolf Hess - rev'd 3by kokopelli on 12/16/2011A mystery within the Third Reich, creats havoic within Hitlers trusted ranks. Title page – • For here it’s okay to add which Draft this is, but when you prepare to send this out, don’t put any mention of which Draft it is. Page 1 – • “Rudolph forcefully speaks” Watch your redundant writing. It’s obvious he speaks because of the next line of dialogue, so you don’t need to... A mystery within the Third Reich, creats havoic within Hitlers trusted ranks.
Title page –
• For here it’s okay to add which Draft this is, but when you prepare to send this out, don’t put any mention of which Draft it is.
Page 1 –
• “Rudolph forcefully speaks” Watch your redundant writing. It’s obvious he speaks because of the next line of dialogue, so you don’t need to tell us. If you want that actor to know it’s “forceful” then add that word as a wryly, beneath the Character name.
Page 3 –
• Dialogue “Those eyes don’t full anyone.” Should be “Those eyes don’t fool anyone.”
Page 4 –
• So much of this dialogue between Hess and Kennedy is expositional and written in a manner that makes it on-the-nose. Just one example is … Kennedy has been guarding one of the most famous war criminals in history … I would imagine that each and every guard knows exactly how old Rudolph Hess is. I know you have to give your audience some information, here’s a couple of was you might consider doing that:
1. Start your story with a V.O. that can give us this information.
2. Start your story with an insert and write the very pertinent facts.
3. Start your story with Kennedy being a new guard, and another guard is showing him the ropes and as such is telling him some of the basic history.
That’s just three, but there are more ways to make this dialogue more palatable.
Page 5 –
• Most of your audience, even those with a fairly good grasp of history, won’t know what the N.S.D.A.P. is … so write it out.
• I like this sentence about “proving yourself to a friend” and then it’s Adolph Hitler. But, consider taking out “I’ll start at the beginning.” This again, is redundant and not needed. Just end the dialogue and go right to the next scene. Maybe have him look thoughtfully at Kennedy, like he’s considering a discussion, then he says, simply “Okay.” And the story starts.
• We can’t possibly see alcohol escaping from Fritz’s pores, so don’t write this.
• If his name is FRITZ HESS SR. as you put it in dialogue, then put it that way in his introduction.
Pages 6 – 13
• You are writing a bio-flick, and while it’s historical and you can take some liberty with the story, what you’ve written here is so flagrantly wrong as to be comical. Hess Sr. was not a murderous drunk, he was an international businessman.
This is from Rudolph’s son in the son’s description of the family background :
My father was born in Alexandria, Egypt, on April 26, 1894, the first son of Fritz Hess, a respected and well-to-do merchant. The Hess family personified the prosperity, standing and self-assurance of the German Reich of that period.
The Hess family did not leave Egypt in a cloud of automobile dust, in fact they lived in Egypt
until Rudolph was 13 or so. The scene in the bar is ridiculous, as if Hess Sr. killed 4 people and then
just calmly walked away and no police were involved. Egypt, at the time, was extremely authoritarian and if he had just summarily murdered 4 people he would have been arrested, his business ruined, and he would have spent life in a very bad place. I really don’t know why you’re going here, maybe there’s some information about this I’ve never seen, but it lacks credibility and makes your entire story suspect.
Really, unless there are alien beings from another planet later in your story, don’t go this far out on a limb. Someone will cut it off behind you.
Page 15 –
• Nik naks should be nick nacks.
Page 23 –
• Okay, I’m really not sure where you’re going here. But none of this is even vaguely true and it’s making it difficult to read. If this is a take-off on reality, then you need to make that clear from the beginning.
Page 25 –
• “Two bullet scares (should be scars) live on his chest.” ….. If we can’t see it then don’t write about it.
Page 26 –
• You are building a one dimensional character who only smirks or sneers. Try to give Hess something besides anger. Curiosity, love, humor, grace, bravery…. Even the worst bad guy has other qualities, and there are many.
Page 49 –
• You have an interesting story going here, but every few pages there is something so inaccurate that it takes me out of the story. The reason for this is that you have a story, but you haven’t spent much time researching facts. It would do your story much good if you knew more about the times, the characters, the real history and the fact that there was NO EURO, at that time. During that period, each country had their own currency. In Germany during the war coins were Reichmarks and paper currency was normally called Mark’s. This is the kind of thing that will kill your script.
Page 64 –
• The bartender has a STRONG GERMAN ACCENT? They’re in Germany, would he have anything but a German accent? I don’t think you need to indicate this.
• The maid would never, ever refer to her boss as Mr. Adolph Hitler. He was der Fuhrer, and that only, especially to someone like a maid. The other thing here is that it is highly improbably that Adolph Hitler would entrust his maid with a communication to anyone, let alone a maid.
Page 72 –
• The word is “traitor” not “trader.”
Page 80 –
• Why are you suddenly switching a dialogue to German? You’re changing the tone by doing that. Either we’re watching a film about Germany in English, or you have it all in German (stated at the beginning of the screenplay) and everything is subtitled. But, don’t start changing things here.
Page 92 –
• You have George speaking over and over again, without a break and it’s very difficult to read.
Robert,
There is much here to enjoy. A thriller of historical prominence is always fun, but you are so inaccurate in your historical knowledge that it continued to take me right out of the story. The audience that you are directing this story to will know a lot about history. Martin Bormann did not just disappear. While it took many years, his remains were found, and conclusively identified by DNA testing in 1998. Add to that the fact that he was in the Bunker with Hitler during the last days and your story falls apart.
As for Hess, he was slowly going insane, and in fact the British government asked that he not be tried at Nuremberg, due to the fact that he left Germany early in the war, had little to do with the war itself. But the Russians demanded it and the Brits gave in.
The other thing is that you many, many, many mistakes and misspellings that make it a difficult read. I’m not all that good with punctuation and grammar myself so I pay someone to read and correct my work. If you can’t pay someone, and you don’t possess the skill necessary, find a friend to help you. This work will never make it if you can’t manage that.
Again, this is a compelling story and if were made up fictional characters you’d be on better ground. You could make that happen, but this story, written for an audience that likes this kind of history, will not stand with the current inaccuracies.
Good luck with it, no matter what you decide.
Marc read -
A review of Seven Billion and Oneby kokopelli on 02/10/2011This is a story about a guy who'd like to do it over as the guy he'd like to be. Only thing is "things" don't work out so well. Page 1 • I know you’re just writing your story, but here’s what happens when you add music by irrationally famous groups. If a reader likes your story the next place might be a breakdown by the finance guys. They’ll price your piece adding up the... This is a story about a guy who'd like to do it over as the guy he'd like to be. Only thing is "things" don't work out so well.
Page 1
• I know you’re just writing your story, but here’s what happens when you add music by irrationally famous groups. If a reader likes your story the next place might be a breakdown by the finance guys. They’ll price your piece adding up the significant amounts to buy rights and send it back to production. Someone there will look at it and compare it with 3 other scripts that come in at or under budget and toss yours aside. They won’t even ask why. Better to leave that out, unless there’s a significant story reason why it’s in there.
Page 4
• If they’ve been down this road that many times in 12 years wouldn’t Brigitte already know what the problem is? This seems like a rehash that though funny, is unnecessary.
Page 12
• At this point we don’t have the following:
- A set up that tells us what this story is about
- A goal, as it relates to Calvin - what is it that he’s going to go after in this story? Does he want to: a. Kill the Seven, b. Kidnap the Seven and take his place, c. Start a new life …. What?
- Right here, at this point, or shortly after, Calvin needs to be headed toward that point where things are going to change.
- No real idea what the over-arching thematic process is here.
Right now this is pretty much a 12 page complaint. Don’t get me wrong, there is some glittering dialogue here and some funny moments, but it’s not going forward, it’s simple stuck in B for bitching.
Page 16/17
• You write good dialogue and funny stuff, but I would warn against to many of these scene that have literally nothing to do with the story. They eat up time that is needed to move the story forward, and nothing here about Topaz’s titties moves the story along or says anything about the character of Calvin.
Page 35
• Calvin ends up in the Bizaro world that Dr. Van Koff has somehow manufactured. Normally these kinds of worlds rules set up in advance so we know how this happened and what the groundwork is. You have skipped that step and just had Calvin end up there. Without the previous structure I place this has ground to a total stop. The only reason Calvin is now in this magical realm is because you are trying to “plot” him through the story. But it’s not working well because there’s no compelling internal process going on that we can grab onto.
• The other thing is that usually when this kind of thing takes place the magically captured is in disbelief, but Calvin just gets in the car and goes along as if everything’s cool. While the audience will suspend disbelief for this change, they won’t go along with a guy who is not a bit freaked out here. Think Family Man with Nick Cage and how he freaked out.
Page 63
• The last thing missing here is any antagonist. I’m past mid-point and there’s no one putting any pressure on the Main Character. He’s just kinda drifting around experiencing the world as Seven knows it, and not doing a very good job of that. He’s not pursuing anything, he’s not goal bound, he’s not really interested in or focused on a particular issue … in other words there’s really not much happening here.
Page 72
• If Calvin is so stupid to believe that Brigette is going to know who he is while everyone else thinks he’s the Seven then your expecting your audience to be stupid enough to buy this. They won’t be, but they will be insulted. You have to figure out what the rules are in this world and then make them apply evenly so that your Main Character doesn’t have moments like this that make no sense.
Al, while you have some moments of fun dialogue, they’re not enough to overcome the total lack of structure and real character development necessary to carry this off well. It’s not a bad idea, but it’s inconsistently processed and without the necessary goal and theme shortly loses all steam and just barely limps through the second act. By the third act, with no visible antagonist in pursuit of the same goal there is simple a linger death to the end of the story.
Sorry to beat the structure drum, but structure is not formula. Formula is tired derivate writing while structure is that engineered anatomy that will allow your work to come to life. My suggestion is to watch some of the following films that do a similar thing and see what makes them tick:
Evan Almighty
Click
13 Going on 30
Disney's The Kid
Me Myself I
Sliding Doors
Groundhog Day
Mr. Destiny
Big
Peggy Sue Got Married
Freaky Friday
Turn Back the Clock
Good luck and as always, keep writing.
marc read -
A review of Out of the Badlands (3rd Draft)by kokopelli on 02/09/2011Out of the Badlands – Christopher O’Rourke Christopher, you’ve got a helluva nice writing style. This really comes off as a graphic-novel western and the reasons are listed below. While the action is very compelling and moves well the whole piece moves like a comic book. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just that it doesn’t meet the structural proponents of a more traditional... Out of the Badlands – Christopher O’Rourke
Christopher, you’ve got a helluva nice writing style. This really comes off as a graphic-novel western and the reasons are listed below. While the action is very compelling and moves well the whole piece moves like a comic book. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just that it doesn’t meet the structural proponents of a more traditional screenplay. And, the Main Character is dark, dark, dark. He’s kinda like Clint Eastwood on ludes, but badder. The notes I made below are basically on things that won’t necessarily jive in a traditional screenplay but nobody would bat an eye at in a graphic novel film, say like Sin City.
The only real issue I have is with the end, and that’s listed below. It just doesn’t seem right, even in GN world, that an evil blight like Jefferson finally sees the errors of his ways and kills himself. Takes all the steam out of the end.
Anyway, good writing and good luck.
marc
Page 6
- Much of this dialogue between the sheriff and Matthias has already taken place between the sheriff and the kid. Don’t need to hear it again.
Page 8
- If the two trouble-makers Galloway and Greer are wanted, and they just road into town, why doesn’t the sheriff want them arrested?
Page 10
- This dialogue between Matthias and the undertaker, much like the dialogue with the sheriff is dialogue meant to tell, not show. Try developing this dialogue with in subtext, revealing less openly. You begin this scene with Wellman mocking Matthias openly try finding some ways he can do this with actions. Can he continue to ignore Matthias? Can he overcharge Matthias? Can he spit to one side of the floor, showing his contempt? Show us, don’t tell us.
Page 16
- Calderon and Denton smash Matthias over the head and knock him out. Why? There’s an obvious crowd of people, so why pick one guy, who they don’t know and knock him out? Of course this is a plot moment to keep Matthias from boarding the train, but it’s thinly veiled. Maybe one of them knows him. Maybe he shot Calderon’s nephew sometime back and Calderon not only knocks him out but comes close beating him, but is stopped by Denton to take care of their real business. You need something here besides this … it’s too thin.
Page 31
- I’m no prude, but this line “…fucked by a mountain lion.” Caught me by surprise. It takes the reader out of the story and after searching common slang for that period I find it was probably less likely to be used than “Awesome, dude.” The character doesn’t really need to say this so you might consider dropping it. And … no one else says anything close.
Page 39
- I know you’re just using whisky but Molotov cocktails didn’t come into use until the 1930’s.
Page 45
- Okay, Greer is set loose … Matthias is hot on his trail … he follows Greer into the temple, through the falls and into a valley forest where … the sheriff has beat him????? This doesn’t make timing sense. I’ll read on to see if the Sheriff is a part of the gang but if he’s not then you have to rework this.
- Oh, and Native Americans of the Southwest had no language, so they wouldn’t have written in any type of language on the walls of the building or temple.
Page 91
- Throughout the entire story Jefferson is the penultimate evil. After all of the talks with his brother and all of the killing and malevolence, he remains steady in his character. But, now with two sentences from his brother he turns the gun on himself. I’m not buying it. I’m not buying it because you’ve given us nothing that would make this character change so drastically. It would be better to have death by his brothers hands not his words, in this case. read -
A review of Dependent Days: Rise of the Hybridby kokopelli on 08/11/2010Dependent Days - Rise of the Hybrid This creative peek into a future when superpowers are ladled out with drugs is fascinating, imaginative and unique in it’s vision. The main character, Isabelle, charts her life from brothel to messiah in a world where humans have become the least of all sentient beings. Along the way she is joined by two who share a common past and become... Dependent Days - Rise of the Hybrid
This creative peek into a future when superpowers are ladled out with drugs is fascinating, imaginative and unique in it’s vision. The main character, Isabelle, charts her life from brothel to messiah in a world where humans have become the least of all sentient beings. Along the way she is joined by two who share a common past and become her protectors.
While the story is one of the most imaginative tales I’ve run across in a long time the primary problem, in my opinion, is the lack of goal and theme. In my notes below I list my concern with the two of these and so I won’t drag on about it here, but through the telling of this story we learn more, and become closer to Third Degree and Roe than we do Isabelle because you show us and tell us more about them. They have a past and reasons for the things they do. You have given Isabelle no past, therefore no goal. The movie goal is to remove the hybrid, but what’s her inner goal? There may a weak attempt when she talks about having a baby, but it’s not promoted throughout the story. This along with no thematic process makes it difficult for me to follow her in her journey.
Find out what her inner goal is and then promote that in nearly every scene with action.
The other thing is that I found Third Degree to be an interestingly tragic figure, there was absolutely no reason for him to not just cut the hybrid from her and dump her body. In fact I think you had Roe exclaim his surprise about that. So …. why didn’t he. There must be a reason or it becomes a plot reason and that’s not good enough. It nagged me through the entire reading.
I found the ending, with Third Degree just disappearing, sadly unfulfilling. You tell a good tale then it just … ends, without a reasonable effort a finishing. It’s like you’ve become tired of telling us the story.
Last, you really need to look at your structural points and adjust some of the story. Plot seems to take over and structural points are not hit in the places they need to be hit, or are so soft as to be nearly missing. Your primary turning point at page 30 is a good example. I know, I know some people don’t like to talk about page numbers but I do because it’s important. Look at your structural plot points and see what you can do to really make them jump up over the primary story.
My page comments are below. Good luck with this story, it’s got great potential because you’ve got a great imagination.
Marc
Title Page - Never, under any circumstance create and use a title page like you have here. It will turn off any professional reader and is a sign of someone who doesn’t know what is expected in the industry. To see what is appropriate go to the Screenwriters Bible.
Page 1 -
* Do not add the title to the top of the page.
* Don’t use “us, we, you, etc, etc.” it takes “us” out of the story.
Page 4 -
* “She thinks she’s serious.” …. “He knows he’s serious.” …. this is showing and not telling …. and you should consider showing how these emotions are manifest.
Page 5 -
* Two-legger would be an odd term since Elves have only two legs as well.
Page 8 to 15
* Just when it’s most important, the Main Character disappears for many pages. We have learned little about her so far. We don’t know anything about her goals, her as a person, or the thread of theme. This is going to be a severe problem later.
Page 22 -
* Continuity issue. You have Charis at the top of the stairs then from down in the common area Emryk licks her. Either he has a tongue longer than Gene Simmons or she jumped downstairs.
Page 38 -
* The use of the term “wicked fierce” brings me right back to the 20th century. Most terms like this would be out of use at this point.
* I have to go back to ask “where’s the goal, the theme?” Still, at this point there is no goal for the MC and no thematic process driving the story. There’s lots of great action but the story is missing.
Page 41 -
* I don’t think that 200 years in the future anyone will still be using an MP3 player. Electronics will be vastly more sophisticated than the current technology.
Page 49 -
* Isabelle has gone from a young thing in a brothel who is afraid of being cut-up to a girl who has become just plain sassy with far more dangerous characters than Killian. Her quip to Third Degree “Don’t be a dick,” doesn’t work well for this reason and for the reason that Third Degree is supposed to be a tough, mean hombre and he just kinda takes it. It seems that part of the problem is that you may not have completely flushed out Isabelles character and her arc.
Page 50 -
* Why would Third Degree be under the assumption that Isabelle knows how to work this flying machine? Did they arrive in this craft? Wouldn’t they have talked along the way? Wouldn’t she have told him she lived in a brothel and had no experience?
Page 57 -
* Is there something wrong with Third Degree that is inhibiting him from taking control of the craft during a life threatening situation? There’s a rule of writing and story-telling that should always be observed … the audience will always believe the impossible but never the improbable. It is very unlikely that an experienced pilot would let a first time novice land a craft in an emergency.
Also, this is basically the mid-point of your story and it’s flat because there is nothing going on with the Main Character in terms of arc, and that’s because early on there was no goal or theme processed.
Page 60 -
* Going back to 200 years of advancement, flares wouldn’t be needed … everyone would be equipped with no less than GPS tracking devices.
Page 78 -
* Okay, now we know that the lowly baby making machine is going to be the woman who saves the world, but it’s not working because of the missing goal and theme.
Page 81 -
* Doubtful that Isabelle would use the word “freaking” two hundred years from now. read -
A review of Terrain Perimeterby kokopelli on 07/01/2010Terran Perimeter (I think you have Terrain spelled wrong on the title sheet … And, what does this have to do with the story?) This story, much in the vein of Goonies, tells how a group of somewhat geeky teens save the earth. This is a good idea for a kid’s film. There are moments here that will resonate with all kids and get their imaginations going. But, there are numerous... Terran Perimeter (I think you have Terrain spelled wrong on the title sheet … And, what does this have to do with the story?)
This story, much in the vein of Goonies, tells how a group of somewhat geeky teens save the earth. This is a good idea for a kid’s film. There are moments here that will resonate with all kids and get their imaginations going. But, there are numerous issues that will need to be solved.
Pages 1 – 12
- First and foremost is the lack of goal for the Main Character. This should be right up front at the beginning of the story, and so far it’s missing.
Page 18
- When Penny says – “Maybe they want to give us… (pause) This.” You don’t need the (pause) because the ellipsis at the end of the sentence indicates a pause.
- Further down … “She takes page from her notebook.” …. She takes a page from …
Page 19
- At the top … Tom is not a (cont)
- Wait a minute … from the kids sitting at the lunch table, to running off then to their separate classes, to now they’re talking about these beings, who have come out of the computer almost as if it’s a casual every day occurance. There’s no disbelief here and it seems that you’ve replaced that with trying to get comedy going by Tom stating that an alien was coming on to him (and I find at the end of the story that there’s nothing going to happen with this romance so why even go there?). If these kids really thought there was something totally strange here, wouldn’t they just skip school and go find out what it was? There’s a dynamic here that’s not working and it’s the “Holy Cow, No Shit.” factor.
A suggestion here is to check out Stephen Kings, Stand By Me. Specifically the scene where the 4 boys are getting excited about finding a dead body and what that would mean to each of them. There’s excitement and a very human “what this means to me” process that goes on. This raises the stakes and makes finding the body personal. There seems to be no personal excitement about finding “aliens” in the computer … they’re all interested, but not excited, confounded, keyed up … they’re just kinda flat over the whole thing, more interested in the papers than the actual thought of real aliens.
Throughout the script your sluglines are currently written like this:
INT. KITCHEN, NIGHT
They should be:
INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT ... Use hyphens to separate, not commas
Page 24
- “Rachael plinks her eyes.” I looked in both the dictionary and the thesaurus and could not find “plink.” Try to find another word (a real one) that means what you need it to mean.
Page 27
- EXT - DAY, ALEIN/ALIEN CITYSCAPE
Page 31
- Rachael “You have a higher security rating then/than I do.”
- Rachael is at a loose/loss for words.
Okay … I’m at Page 40 and there’s lots of missing “stuff” which bodes poorly for Act II and especially Act lll. Here’s the vital elements that are not in place:
1. Your Main Character, Rachael, is not settled into her role because even though we’ve had some nice scenes between her and her Father, we still have no idea what her inner (thematic) goal is. We don’t even really know what her outer (movie) goal is. These things need to be right up front and in plain view. Is it possible that Rachael’s goal is to reconnect with a Mother figure? What is she missing that she has to find in her life. Right now there’s nothing that’s apparent and without it there is no drama and even though this is a kids feature it still needs drama. The story is reminding me a lot of Goonies, in that there is an ensemble kid group. If you remember that film you’ll remember that the Main Character was conflicted because of being poor and having to possibly move from the house that he had always known. This conflict created both his internal goal and his outer goal. Try to find some “thing” that creates conflict for Rachael.
2. Before you can go into Act ll we must see the Antagonist, and at this page 40, there is no antagonist present. The protagonist is most often (not always) the Main Character. The antagonist is always the person who forces the protagonist into the most change. But, that is present right from the moment we meet the two and currently, for the first 40 minutes of this film we see no one challenging Rachael into change. Lots of quibbling back and forth but no real change process.
3. Antagonists and Villains can be the same character, but not always. Rachael’s Father could be the antagonist, the person who forces her to change, but probably not in this story. The Villains here are going to be the Devils, but we’re 40 minutes into the story and nothing is going on with the Villains. You must change this… Because there’s no antagonist and no villain there is absolutely no dramatic tension. I’m getting antsy for something to happen and so will your audience.
From this point I’m going to read to the end but the above mentioned items must be fixed in order to make this work.
If I saw a one-sheet for this or a poster for this as a film, I would imagine that I would see something like the kids with their alien friends together, but (at page 64) there has been very little interaction with the computer aliens, almost nonexistent. There is so much more time spent on pretty boring discussions between the kids and even at times between Rachael and Doug. I want to see good and bad aliens fighting with kids and instead there’s a steady dose of quibbling kids.
- Okay, wait a minute, you mean that the military has taken over the kid’s engine but aren’t asking any questions about where this technology came from? This needs a serious rethink. There are lots of things that can be done in the movies. Impossible always works, improbable never works. That’s because the suspension of disbelief theory works fine with impossible while improbabilities only leave questions in the audience mind. At this juncture, these kids would be in military hands and so would their computers and any interactions with the friendly aliens and you’re skipping right over that.
The Character structure is nonexistent. The story structure doesn’t exist (First, Second and Third Act turning points are missing or so vague as to be missing. There is no Character Arc for the Main Character and that’s because she displays no flaw for us. Last but not least the end is less than satisfying. Yes, the kids win the day but …. because there is no goal, no antagonist, no visible villain until the very end, there is nearly no drama attached to this story and just shooting ionizers is not drama. And, in every ending your job is to tie up all the loose ends … what happened to the aliens in the computer? We have to see them at the end … it’s mandatory. Try to find a reason for Rachael to be the Main Character and that will solve some of the problems here, but you need to do a lot of work to make this the really great story it deserves to be.
You should consider a lot of cuts with this. There’s way too much of the kids just talking and jiving each other. Things should be happening. When I first started I thought “Oh, boy, aliens have come to warn them. Maybe some lead bad-guy aliens will land and the kids will have to fight them. Cool.” But nothing. I mean nothing at all. Just kids running around, talking and making faster than light engines from stuff in their basement … and unlike the A Team we don’t even get to see that.
Henry, you’ve got a great idea here and that’s why I keep likening it to other great kid films. But unless you solve some fairly basic structural issues you don’t have a film. And unless you give us some ALIENS you don’t have a cool, kick-ass, kid film.
I’ll be glad to answer any questions you might have or suggest ideas.
marc read
Comments About kokopelli 9
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**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/22/2011
Thank you for reading and reviewing my screenplay, "George's Sister Maggie." I will take your comments to heart when I do my next rewrite. Thanks again and very best wishes with your work as well... -
Emma NZ on 11/09/2011
My pleasure...I enjoyed the read! Great to hear there's a bit of a NZ crowd in the script writing world :) -
johnnyrussell on 10/27/2011
Your review of Jingoist was most enlightening. Thank you for taking the time with the intricate details, I really appreciate it. Armed with your excellent advice I'm presently revising the script in between writing this. Thanks again. -
Michael Keller on 10/25/2011
Thanks for the thoughtful notes and the encouragement! -
micmacmoviemaker on 02/15/2011
Thanks for reading and reviewing my screenplay, "Acadia." I appreciate your time and thoughts.
Peter -
Christopher O'Rourke on 02/10/2011
Thanks for your review of "Out of the Badlands". You offered some good insight and it's much appreciated.
-Chris -
abone on 09/13/2010
Hey dude, thanks for your review of The Means. First off, I'm glad you enjoyed it because that's what it's really about. Second, thanks for bringing up several things that in the back of my head I knew were problems but didn't want to admit it. Axel going missing, Darren seemingly without a job, and Elena working for the DA specifically. I totally agree it can be shorter. I'm working on a rewrite right now and have managed to get it down to 110 pages so far. I'm aiming for 99.
Oh yeah, I have NO idea why I right justified my FADE IN. I feel like a real dummy because I think it's been mentioned in every review. Ha ha.
Thanks again,
Aaron -
Rfordyce on 08/31/2010
Thanks a lot for your review of 'Oh Sinner Man'.
Neither the structure nor the plot of the original novel are typical of novels of the period - or indeed of most novels today. So it's always going to be a challenge to translate it to screen. But I do appreciate the time you took and the constructive feedback you've left.
Thanks again! -
Hankster266 on 07/02/2010
Thank you for reading and reviewing Terrain Perimeter.
As I am in the middle of a re-write, your comments are much appreciated and timely.
Again thanks
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Comments About kokopelli 9
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Quote
Thank you for reading and reviewing my screenplay, "George's Sister Maggie." I will take your comments to heart when I do my next rewrite. Thanks again and very best wishes with your work as well...
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My pleasure...I enjoyed the read! Great to hear there's a bit of a NZ crowd in the script writing world :)
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Your review of Jingoist was most enlightening. Thank you for taking the time with the intricate details, I really appreciate it. Armed with your excellent advice I'm presently revising the script in between writing this. Thanks again.
+ more comments**DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/22/2011
Emma NZ on 11/09/2011
johnnyrussell on 10/27/2011