Reviews
The Twenty Twelve Prophecy by Charlie Marsh
I don’t get it. The Sheema/Darlek relationship(not) is just too ugly and pointless. And, what happened to planet earth in the middle? I thought that was the main chunk of plot. Never mind. The dialogue is awful. Characters like androids. The whole thing’s confusing.
P4 Attempting to soothe his animalistic desires, she calmly...
The Twenty Twelve Prophecy by Charlie Marsh
I don’t get it. The Sheema/Darlek relationship(not) is just too ugly and pointless. And, what happened to planet earth in the middle? I thought that was the main chunk of plot. Never mind. The dialogue is awful. Characters like androids. The whole thing’s confusing.
P4 Attempting to soothe his animalistic desires, she calmly appeals to his intellect.
SHEEMA: I'm just saying-- - This line appeals to the guy’s intellect? If you could come up with such a line there would be no need to describe it ahead of time.
P6,7 – The joke on Aerosmith, earth culture – not too original or funny.
P9 group of mixed races and genders laughing around a giant boom box. – mixed genders?
P10 An asteroid rips through the sky, plunging into the city, the explosion sending smoke and flames hurling into the sky as fire eats up the entire planet. – I guess so. That was kind of quick.
P 12 SHEEMA: I smell like a dead rakthor. – A what?
P12 Soapy lather drips down on her, covering her most private areas. – Almost sexy.
P13 DARLEK: That was probably the best sex ever. – Gads! Are you serious?
Pp22,23 As the thunder of a thousand seats being taken fills the hall, a tuft of hair falls from Imtek's face. – hair falls from face?
IMTEK: Please disregard mu appearance. I'm sure none of us look our best at three in the morning. – mu appearance followed by your quite flat dialogue.
P30 ZIG: There we're no survivors. Were
P36 GELL: How's that ol' son of a Zepok, Fosterick, doing? – Gosh, this is corny stuff.
P44 CURELL: How can someone so intelligent and beautiful have such self esteem issues? – Who would say this when and why especially in da movies?
P45 SHEEMA: You know, both my hearts have been with you since the moment we met. – Anatomy lesson is timely.
P53 injuries prove too sever. – severe
P53 She looks down at Curell, in an instant becoming everything he was. - ?
P54 HOX: This is Lieutenant How. – How is right!
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The writer of Eagle War has a way with words. No question about that. His vision is in the details, and there are details aplenty here.
This is a screenplay in need of editing so ruthless that the results may well be catastrophic to the frail story buried beneath action and description which may run nine, sometimes a dozen, lines long. Pages pass and few words are uttered...
The writer of Eagle War has a way with words. No question about that. His vision is in the details, and there are details aplenty here.
This is a screenplay in need of editing so ruthless that the results may well be catastrophic to the frail story buried beneath action and description which may run nine, sometimes a dozen, lines long. Pages pass and few words are uttered. When dialogue does appear, it is contrived (almost comical at times) and filled with cultural expressions more commonly found on the streets of Chicago than Sixteenth Century Mexico.
Characters are far too numerous to mention, and too thinly constructed to contribute much beyond vocal background for the elaborately drawn scenes. Grammatical and technical mistakes dominate every page, from the first to the last. Screenplay Absolutes (no camera angels, e.g.) fall in favor of strictly directed cinematography and directoral privilege.
I have pages of notes, filled with detailed examples of the problems of this screenplay that detract or impede its plot and characters. They are available to the writer upon request.
One example:
Avoid the use of "(beat)" in dialogue. Write a short action line to break the dialogue, if absolutely necessary to the scene and/or development of the character's "personality". Ask yourself - WHY is this "beat" ABSOLUTELY necessary?
At page 15, as written:
INT. ARMORY- WAR ROOM- DAY
... About 50 warriors sit on the floor in front of JAGUAR FEATHER.
JAGUAR FEATHER
Silence.
(beat)
Who among you think you can become a
Jaguar Warrior? How about an Eagle
Warrior? Are any among you destined for
this?
------------------------------------
How about:
JAGUAR FEATHER
Silence!
The warriors obey.
JAGUAR FEATHER
Who among you think you can become a
Jaguar Warrior . . .
----------------------------------------
The (beat) is gone, the reader's concentration uninterrupted.
Finally, on the matter of the subject matter:
There is a reason that the fall of the Aztec Empire hasn't made it to the Big Box Office yet, and this screenplay creates no exception to the rule that few people wish to pay big bucks to film (or watch) blood-thirsty, doomed-to-die pagans at war with themselves or gold-coveting, righteous Spaniards who believed it was their Christian duty to rid mankind of the Aztecs (while at the same time filling the Spanish coffers).
Perhaps the answer to salvaging this story might be to pare down its scope and make it a love or warrior/mentor story set against a broadly-drawn backdrop of the demise of the Aztec Empire on its final day.
Or, develop your beautifully precise narrative style and write in novel or short story form. Your literary vision is multi-dimensional, complicated and filled with details, and it is difficult to purge such a vision of its strength: Words - The Sacrificial Victims of Screenplay Writers.
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Aznora Critique
First the nit-picky things...
Don’t specify the colors of things unless they are absolutely vital to the story. For example, on Pg. 7, you state that she sits on a BLUE couch. Leave that to the set designer. Your job is to tell a story and make characters come to life. Also on Pg. 7, you were a bit redundant when you stated that an unknown object rattles around...
Aznora Critique
First the nit-picky things...
Don’t specify the colors of things unless they are absolutely vital to the story. For example, on Pg. 7, you state that she sits on a BLUE couch. Leave that to the set designer. Your job is to tell a story and make characters come to life. Also on Pg. 7, you were a bit redundant when you stated that an unknown object rattles around in the box she just brought in. It’s kind of like... yeah... got it. A box shows up on the porch one morning, no return address... obviously the object is unknown. What you’d want to say is something like, “Sheya holds the box to her ear and shakes it. An object rattles around inside.”
Be careful to use the correct version of “their” (dictating ownership- i.e. “They put on their hats”) “there” (showing a place- i.e. “That mountain over there”) and they’re (a combination of “they” and “are”- i.e. “What lovely flowers! They’re beautiful!”)
Also be careful with “your” (again ownership- i.e. “Hand me your pants”) and “you’re” (a combination of “you” and “are”- i.e. “You’re not helping my abandonment issues”).
“To” and “Too” are another thing to watch. “Too” is used to show an overabundance of something- i.e. “I’ve eaten too much” or as an inclusion- i.e. “I want some too!”
Watch some of your sentence structure. For example, Pg. 27 “The sound of running water can be heard inside, up ahead is a small glow” should really be broken into two sentences. Something like, “The sound of running water is heard inside. In the distance, a small glow illuminates the cave”.
Also on Pg. 27, be sure to keep all of your verbs and adjectives in the present tense. For example, “A large flaming fireplace at the end of the cave created a unique glow across the body of water” should read, “A large flaming fireplace at the end of the cave creates a unique glow across the body of water”.
A second proof-reading is all it will take to catch a lot of your grammatical errors as well as punctuation problems. Be sure to watch for missing question marks, periods and commas.
On Pg. 33- don’t dictate sound effects. All you need say is, “The sounds of breaking glass and general destruction are heard.”
When proof-reading be sure to watch out for “tearing” vs. “taring”. I came across that a couple of times. “Tearing” means ripping apart, “Taring” means (well, nothing actually... taring isn’t a word.)
I think you really need to re-read this and proof it carefully. Read it word for word, out loud if it helps, so you catch EVERY error, every mis-spelling. You want this to look as good as possible.
Pg. 42- I’m confused by EXT. FEARED WARRIOR- DAY. In the scene heading, you are only supposed to dictate location and time of day, not a character.
Pg. 44- Never end dialogue with personal direction. (See the last line of dialogue on the page. It ends with (pause) and isn’t followed on the next page by any more dialogue). If you want to dictate a personal direction after a character is done speaking, put it in the subsequent action.
It is only necessary to capitalize a character’s entire name when they are introduced. After that, just capitalize the first letter as you would with any proper noun.
Write out all of your numbers. Write “two” instead of “2”.
Watch your use of “then” and “than”. I saw a couple of times where you used one when you should’ve been using the other.
On Pg. 77, it isn’t necessary to reiterate what Morstroz is wearing as you’ve already given us the exact same description on Pg. 43.
Pg. 82- Did Sheya and Morstroz meet prior to this scene? When she addressed him familiarly, I was kind of taken aback.
Your attention to detail almost makes me think that I’m reading a novel instead of a screenplay. One of the main things that makes screenwriting different than general story writing is that, as a screenwriter, you say as little as possible to get what you need to get across.
Also be careful of putting too much action in personal direction. For example, on Pg. 22. what reads like this...
SHEYNA
Journey? Why are you telling me
all this. I’m looking for the only
family I have left.
(Turning away quickly,
than turning back towards
the Wunzergians)
I don’t understand what your
telling me, who is this AZNORA.
SHOULD read like this...
SHEYNA
Journey? Why are you telling me
all this? I’m looking for the only
family I have left.
Sheyna quickly turns away from them but then slowly turns back.
SHEYNA (CONT’D)
I don’t understand what you’re
telling me. Who is this Aznora?
Another important thing NOT to do is dictate shots. Leave that for the director and the cinematographer. You just describe the scene and let them figure out how to film it.
Almost all of your dialogue is very cryptic. This can be dangerous because it can create a sense of division between your audience and your characters. While still remaining mysterious, you need to throw in some good old “normal” lines and reactions that your audience can relate to. Think about how this is done in Lord of the Rings and Spirited Away. Yes there are very surreal ideas and moments portrayed in both films, (especially Spirited Away) but what makes them work is the fact that the audience can, in some way, relate to the characters in the film. For example, in Spirited Away, I absolutely can NOT relate to a bathhouse for spirits or 3 little green heads that bounce around and say “ga-lump” all the time or soot balls that like to eat lucky charms. However, I CAN relate to being a scared 10-year-old girl who is afraid she may lose her parents.
I think that if you remove a BIT of the mystique surrounding Sheyna and bring her down to our level occasionally, your story would really start to become “accessible” to audiences.
I really see this film being done in Anime. Especially the last battle between Morstroz, Dathkra and Sheyna. I don’t know if that was your intention, but I think it would really flourish in that medium.
Really, you’ve created a heck of a story here. Your imagination is quite profound. Just go back and sharpen it up some and you may have a winner here.
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I couldn't resist doing the pirate-speak in my title of this review. Just so you know, there are a few typos that would not be detected by spellcheck so you may want to keep an eye out the next time you review.
Here are a couple issues I had with the story. 1) I am always conscious of when an African character gives himself up to save non-Africans. It is flattering of the...
I couldn't resist doing the pirate-speak in my title of this review. Just so you know, there are a few typos that would not be detected by spellcheck so you may want to keep an eye out the next time you review.
Here are a couple issues I had with the story. 1) I am always conscious of when an African character gives himself up to save non-Africans. It is flattering of the character but it smacks of a stereotype we see often. My suggestion is to try to come up with a way to heroically kill off Kwame. Maybe the entire crew fights off the Spaniards, but during the battle he dies while coming to Anne's defense? For example, shot from behind...drops to his knees and he can still yell "Father!" as he passes. Just an idea. You can totally ignore it, because the way you wrote it already works. My only reason for bringing this to your attention is because of the possible stereotype.
I also had issues with Mary not allowing Patrick to fight for himself. It not only made Patrick appear to be a weak human being, but it also made a prior bit of foreshadowing useless. I refer to the scene on Page 67 where Mary tells Patrick that he is stronger than he thinks. Further, it makes Patrick's character useless but for the fact that someone is needed to impregnate Mary.
Besides these two points of criticism, I loved reading this story. I must admit, it took me a little while to get use to the pirate-speak, and I didn't like Anne very much in the beginning. Mostly because she struck me as a childish, spoiled brat. But, as the character developed and grew into maturity, I couldn't help but root for her.
The description throughout the story was exceptional. I especially liked the scene on Page 52, the silhouette of Anne and Rackham kissing with the flaming ship behind them. EXCELLENT!
Or at the end where we see the red bandana drifting off in the darkness, bringing us back to the image from the beginning of the story.
You also brought William Cormac back at the perfect time. The void between him and Anne was great enough, and due to the fact that he was gone long enough for us (readers) to have forgotten about him, made it a nice little surprise.
Overall, great job. You obviously did your research in re pirate-speak, geography, and 18th century admiralty.
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I’ve had the pleasure of reading two screenplays about Anne Bonny in the span of twenty-four hours. So it was interesting to compare and contrast how each writer drew from the life-story of the titular character and weave a tale from it.
I very much liked what you did here. Seems well-researched. The tone and diction evoked authenticity to the period which was very much appreciated...
I’ve had the pleasure of reading two screenplays about Anne Bonny in the span of twenty-four hours. So it was interesting to compare and contrast how each writer drew from the life-story of the titular character and weave a tale from it.
I very much liked what you did here. Seems well-researched. The tone and diction evoked authenticity to the period which was very much appreciated. Adaptations to film are incredibly difficult, trying to cull from source material about a person’s entire life and isolating the key moments that could create a compelling story on the screen. This story struggles a little bit with pacing and plotting (see below), and having attempted an adaptation I know it’s a challenge having to adhere to factual accounts rather than taking liberties to fictionalize some aspects of the story. Not a small feat, so great job on this effort.
Opening: Within the first ten pages, we leap through three different time periods in the life of Anne Bonny: her parent’s relocation to Charles Towne, her rambunctious tomboy escapades to her mother’s death, and then who she becomes, a sort of strumpet in her early 20’s. I don’t think the first scene reveals that much about her character as much as the second and third time period. You may also want to spend some time elaborating on what her mother’s death meant to her before transitioning to her life 8 years later.
Plot / Structure: After the opening sequence, Anne meets James (10-11) and she’s intrigued by some of the things she’s learning about the pirate code (14). She feels stifled by her father who wants to marry her off to a milksop (17) and so she decides to run away using the only convention available to her at the time which is to marry James (18). The circumstances of her leaving her father are somewhat dubious (21) and so she and James hide out until James figures out a way to leave Charles Towne (24).
Anne joins the Lark while James joins the Sparrow so the two are separated for a while. I don’t particularly know why that’s the case, but if that’s what happened in real life then I’ll take it on faith. Anne seems to have a wandering eye anyway when she finds herself intrigued by Mark Read (28) and Jack Rackham (41).
Now that Anne has found a way to escape her old life, what is her goal? She’s now a pirate-in-training and so I’m left to wonder where the story is headed. The various scenes catalog the events her life but she has effectively achieved her goal of living the life of a pirate by page 24 and after a brief stint back as a wife to James in New Providence Island, helps Jack escape and return to piracy again (61). I guess her goal could be to maintain that lifestyle and to remain independent for the rest of her life, which is why it was so important to stand up to the British navy. However, when they are captured (109) she returns to a quiet life as a wife and mother of eight children (123), she gives up her independent life because Mary asks her to reconsider because the price of independence (119) by being a slave to her passions is too high. What type of message are you trying to convey to women? If that is the POV of your theme, I’m afraid you’re going to alienate a lot of women.
In addition to the story lacking an external narrative thrust (an articulated A-story), it also has an under-developed internal journey (B-story). There’s a hint of it when Anne’s mother pleas with Anne not to let her anger drive her to ruin (7). It’s possible that anger or her inner demons is her fatal flaw, but I didn’t really see that struggle manifest in the choices she made throughout the story. Quite the opposite in fact. I think her anger actually made her who she was and accomplish what she did. Anger toward her father drove her away to marry James. (17) Anger toward being discounted by Rackham drove her to proving herself to be a good pirate. (28) Anger toward James propels her away from her marriage to a man who is wrong for her. (48) So in fact, keeping her anger in check would have caused her to lead an unremarkable and miserable life.
This is where fiction can play a role where faithfully adhering to facts comes up short; that is to create a compelling series of events that reinforce a thematic point of view that an audience could relate to. So for me, Act 3 may need to be rewritten to address a POV that that is in keeping with the character that you’ve portrayed Anne Bonny to be.
You may also want to spend more time elaborating on a denouement that describes why Anne Bonny returns to a normal life and points out what that was a logical choice for her character to make. In other words, why is keeping her child and caring for Mary’s child was now the most important thing to her and enough to sacrifice the independent life she had been drawn to and for which she declared that she would die before giving up (97). I would suggest that such a sudden reversal needs to be conveyed on screen rather than buried in a credit crawl.
Dialog: Really well done. I liked that you distinguished pirate-speak from lubbers. Had a wonderful charm to it.
Writing: Some small nits pointed out below in the page notes. I would say that on occasion you had some passive sentence constructions, having objects acted upon rather than subjects acting upon, etc.
Overall: Anne Bonny was an engaging character to read about. Hope some of this is helpful to you. As always, this is your story so take into account the feedback that makes sense to you. Best of luck with your rewrites.
Notes
Page / Comment
1, 62 / bandanna = bandana
7 / Anne’s mother dies, pleas with Anne not to let her anger drive her to ruin. = fatal flaw
Three time shifts in less than 10 pages feels a little jumpy. Not sure if it is necessary to chronicle all of these moments of her life, but what is the inciting incident. The placement of her mother’s death on page 7 suggests that it could be that event, but it really isn’t given the next scene leaps 8 years into the future, so we’re still left with no inciting incident.
8 / worshipers = worshippers
12 / chose to marry = choose
14 / finds out that pirates are democratic
16 / Anne asserts that she wants to remain independent (not married). This desire for independence is reinforced when she’s confronted by her father (17). Yet she follows conventions and marries James (18).
20 / Nice dramatic turn.
24 / James is annoyed by her obstinacy. = why?
Why would James board the Sparrow, led by a captain who is betraying pirate code? You may want to expand on this. Maybe he has no choice since it’s the first ship that can allow Anne safe passage away from Charlestown, since she’s a criminal.
28 / Anne chooses to join the pirates from the Lark and leave behind James. I guess Anne has no sense of loyalty. Is she opportunistic? And then I guess James also chooses to join the Lark pirates, too. Then Anne checks out another guy, Mark Read. There seems to be too many shifting motivations in this sequence.
30 / Noob. = jarring reference. suggest rewording. Why would Mark Read help Anne? You may want to introduce conflict or some sort of trade off so that things don’t work out so easily for Anne.
34 / tried = tired
35 / You may want to elaborate on the action sequence here.
37 / save = saved
38 / nice twist.
By the way, there hasn’t been a discernible act break. What is Anne’s goal at this point in the story? She has already escaped from her father and criminal past, but what does she want now?
40 / Mary’s goal is articulated.
43 / James and Anne hook up again? Why even bring James back into the story? This feels contrived only so that Jack would suspect something’s odd about Anne. It also seems unnecessary given what is revealed on page 45.
48 / Is Anne now out in the open about being a woman and not a pirate? I didn’t realize that they set up house on the island now.
50 / She decides to help Jack escape.
61 / Did James agree or not? Making a getaway implies that he didn’t, yet they’re hanging around at a tavern drinking? Or is it in relation to the British navy?
Page-wise we’re at the midpoint page wise, and Anne leaves James to be with Jack and live as a pirate once again. What is her goal? Where is this story headed?
69 / Anne catches Jack cheating on her.
71 / Mary stands up for Anne. Too bad you don’t have Anne standing up for herself and laying down the terms with Jack.
73-78 / Long action sequence that doesn’t move the story forward. Consider shortening.
79-84 / Is the subplot about Patrick getting into a fight really necessary? Consider getting back to the central storyline with Anne more quickly.
91 / Why does Anne have an emotional moment now? Not sure what to make of this scene.
94 / freeing of the three black folks reinforces a theme of freedom?
95 / She’s open to forgiving Jack.
97 / Freedom = Anne’s goal.
103 / You’re laying down the foreshadowing a bit thick. Seems to be too repetitive having Mary be the voice of doom and gloom since page 100.
109 / The pirates are captured.
112 / Anne confronts Jack before he is hanged.
114 / Nice poignant moment between Mary and Patrick.
115 / If they’re both preggers, you may want to show some physical sign of this before.
117 / Seems a little far-fetched that Anne’s father is able to pull the strings he did.
119-121 / Mary the wise one admonishes Anne before she dies.
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This was a little dark in certain areas but spooky it was. It had a peeping tom look to it. man, I really liked some of the camera angles but this one project who need some one with lighting experienced. I wish i was there on this shoot, I would have tricked those scenes to be spooky, but good job. I am impressed with the production team and want to see more.
This was a cool film, I enjoyed it. I do feel that some of the performances were flat, but the actor who played the critic did a good job in inspiring a sense of command. There were some punchlines and beats in the script that were missed and the manager could have benefited from being cast a couple years older.
Narratively, the story didn't seem to have a clear cut protagonist...
This was a cool film, I enjoyed it. I do feel that some of the performances were flat, but the actor who played the critic did a good job in inspiring a sense of command. There were some punchlines and beats in the script that were missed and the manager could have benefited from being cast a couple years older.
Narratively, the story didn't seem to have a clear cut protagonist and a clear cut goal. It would have been good to explain with personality quirks why he's run 6 restaurants into the ground (is he disorganized, afraid of success, a failure at everything in his life?) and if the story is about the importance of the critic's review, it would have been good to spend more time on that. It would add conflict to have the reviewer be completely uninterested in the food while eating it and then have him give good reviews, maybe interrogating the server about the food, asking him questions about it's preparation and origins that he doesn't know. Also, the dying could have been done in a more compelling or funny way, showing it visually rather than through dialog.
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Bizarre. Funny, and bizarre. A lot of work in this I suspect. It's hard to tell wether I enjoyed it or not. I did laugh out loud at the Darwin story title. And the accents were good fun. I think though that the actual concept spoke for itself and therefore there could have been an injection of more of the Darwin humour. I wonder if in this case a straight forward story telling...
Bizarre. Funny, and bizarre. A lot of work in this I suspect. It's hard to tell wether I enjoyed it or not. I did laugh out loud at the Darwin story title. And the accents were good fun. I think though that the actual concept spoke for itself and therefore there could have been an injection of more of the Darwin humour. I wonder if in this case a straight forward story telling format might suit your purposes (and humour) better than the surrreal one you have chosen. All said, it was watchable, with room for improvement.
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I quit Dannie! This was the funniest dang thing I've ever read. I stand humbly (okay I'm actually sitting) before your comic genius.
Concept- awesome, funny funny funny.
Story- At times it might have been a little hard to follow the totally wild, madcap action, but I think that when filmed it will be just a total frenzy. A couple minor things- somebody has to reload at sometime...
I quit Dannie! This was the funniest dang thing I've ever read. I stand humbly (okay I'm actually sitting) before your comic genius.
Concept- awesome, funny funny funny.
Story- At times it might have been a little hard to follow the totally wild, madcap action, but I think that when filmed it will be just a total frenzy. A couple minor things- somebody has to reload at sometime don't they, musta been about a hundred shots fired over all!
The chihuahua angle is pure comic genius.
Characters- For such a wild ride you did a great job of painting a wide cast of characters. Each funny in their own quirky way.
Dialogue- occasionally you muffed a sentence in the dialgoue and I'd suggest before you market it, just to read it through one last time. Occasionally you were expository, but this is such a farcical romp type of story, I think it's a bit more acceptable for this story.
Structure- I'd try to get up to the scene where everyone realizes that the ticket is on the board a few pages earlier, maybe skip the jason/kristy acting scene.
Overall- this gets two thumbs up 4 stars, a greenlight, a recommend, whatever you want to call it. This was awesome! Hope to see it on the big screen someday. Could I suggest trying the group that made napoleon dynamite and nacho libre, it seems like their style of movie.
I love the opening, awesome. And talking dogs never hurt!
pg 6- might work better if carls typing was handled as a voice over, then you could put some inflection into it as well.
pg 7- skip carls dialogue to himself, his emotions should say it all at this point.
pg 15- have you properly introduced shakespeare bob?
pg 19- YOU ARE KILLING ME here!!!
pg 21- need to introduce stacy and blaire. Are these both females? I don't know.
pg 80- doesn't anybody ever run out of bullets?
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Wow! What a rollercoaster ride. I'm still dizzy. I read this for fun, and boy was it fun. So quirky, imaginative and unique. Your originality can't be challenged. Yes, there may be various technical/structural difficulties, but you have so much potential as a creative writer. Admittedly, there were some scenes that went over my head, but it didn't matter as we quickly moved...
Wow! What a rollercoaster ride. I'm still dizzy. I read this for fun, and boy was it fun. So quirky, imaginative and unique. Your originality can't be challenged. Yes, there may be various technical/structural difficulties, but you have so much potential as a creative writer. Admittedly, there were some scenes that went over my head, but it didn't matter as we quickly moved on to the next cute idea. I loved the bowling scene, small goat, smoking dog, answer machine, etc. All these elements really help to suck the reader in. Visually, this has the potential to be spectacular on screen. All the flashing lights etc could reflect the type of cinematic beauty witnessed in films like Space Oddesy. A few suggestions: (i) cut the scenes that don't progress the story enough (ii) clarify Joseph's goals earlier so we can get behind him (iii) perhaps adopt more chilled out 'Bum' like scenes to update any confused readers. (iv) u may have confused VO with OS. (v) maybe too many characters thrown at us early on. Hard to take it all in. - I admire your courage with this script. You display an active imagination. I really enjoyed it, very entertaining. Keep up the good work. I'll e-mail typos - no good people just moaning about em. Good luck bud.
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This was an entertaining script which was a fast read, which had an great storyline and fantastic characters to match as well. It has that lovely feel of a bygone era as the writer fills the script full of details and characters from a another time.
STORY
Was engaging, as ships are mysteriously sunk by a sea monster and a mermaid goes missing. You know that this is one man's...
This was an entertaining script which was a fast read, which had an great storyline and fantastic characters to match as well. It has that lovely feel of a bygone era as the writer fills the script full of details and characters from a another time.
STORY
Was engaging, as ships are mysteriously sunk by a sea monster and a mermaid goes missing. You know that this is one man's quest to find the answer to his missing girlfriend and to stop the monster.
CHARACTERS
Leif is a strong protagonist and also Torm was an engaging character as well. Also all minor characters are well developed and Renard could probably steal a lot of hearts.
PLOT
Was excellent as the hero's quest is set back by dilenmans and characters working against him.
I'm sorry to say this is a poor review as there wasn't much constructive critism I could, suppose that's mainly testament to your script. I did notice there was a couple of typo's, two is my count.
Thanks for the read, high marks, this was a pleasure.
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With pieces liek this I tend to use the "is it better than SNL or Mad TV?" question. the answer here is yes. Of course, this season in SNL sucks, but you have some very funny moments here. Instead of going to the reality scope (very funny) twice, it could be funny to see some interactio with the bunny. Although, I'm sure that'll be extra hard work and more expensive.
This was very clever and a fun little adventure through a delightfully sick little fantasy. The story is simple as is the music. It was not too long, well...the whole strike thing was just a tad too long, but so what? Mr Rogers on a very bad day, AYE AYE CAP'N
My interest wasn't totally piqued but I tredged on and trust me tredged IS a word. I will give you what is due and what is due is some cinematic "props." G. You guys have some great looking foitography and some stellar sound effects that make up for anything else that may or may not be lacking. You certainly have a seemingly high production value and it paid off indeed...
My interest wasn't totally piqued but I tredged on and trust me tredged IS a word. I will give you what is due and what is due is some cinematic "props." G. You guys have some great looking foitography and some stellar sound effects that make up for anything else that may or may not be lacking. You certainly have a seemingly high production value and it paid off indeed. I say this short would work upward of 600 percent better had it been half the length. I've tried making an infomercial and it's hard, just check yourself even in the Little Shriveller.
Take it easy homeslice,
Take it easy.
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I thoroughly enjoyed reading this screenplay.
Good concept. A man finds out he’s going to die so he decides to make up for all the things in life he regrets not doing. This is strong - and a grabber.
Good story. It was a fast read and kept moving. It never got slow, which is impressive for a 117 pages. The characters and events were rich and felt real.
Excellent character...
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this screenplay.
Good concept. A man finds out he’s going to die so he decides to make up for all the things in life he regrets not doing. This is strong - and a grabber.
Good story. It was a fast read and kept moving. It never got slow, which is impressive for a 117 pages. The characters and events were rich and felt real.
Excellent character work. Each character was extremely unique, entertaining and not clichéd, which is so often the case in screenplays. Biffo was funny. I liked Dan too. Even the more minor characters, like Scott, were very well done.
Good structure. As I mentioned, the read never got slow - you went from heavy to light, positive to negative and kept the suspense going just the right amount of time, building the importance of each event and scene steadily until the climax of Terry going back to the hospital. Great work.
You’re dialogue was great. Very natural and funny. Comedy is difficult to write without sounding contrived. I like the line about Shona having a little black in her that Biffo makes when her and Scott first argue. There are many examples like this throughout that are subtle but realistic, which is what makes it funny.
Overall a good story that was well executed. I don’t think I have much to say that would make it better. I see that it’s your 12th draft and you appear to have honed it.
Here are a few notes/comments/typo’s I noticed.
pg. 42
Missing punctuation mark after “Brilliant, absolutely brilliant”
pg. 69
A little confused. Red mouth of blue mouth?
pg. 77
Capitalize “Shona”.
pg. 85
Use (V.O.) for Shona (in general also - or O.S., whichever is applicable).
pg. 101
(All) I know is it’s serious ...
pg. 107
A little confusing as to exactly what happened with Ellie having had a baby. Did she miscarry?
pg. 112
I understand the significance of the trust developed between Dan and Terry. Also, it is consistent with Terry’s character that he would not want to profit from Dan’s cancer cure, however, there is something about Terry - who himself had cancer - withholding what might be the cure for cancer from society. It seems to defy human nature. It doesn’t ruin the story, but if there’s a creative way to fix this maybe it’s worth a shot.
Great work. Thanks for the read.
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