Reviews
I'm not normally a great fan of horror stories, and there is a lot of them on Trigger Street. But although I spotted the outcome quite early one, this was well written and even better observed, this was actually more black comedy than horror. You have a nice eye for detail and very good descriptive writing. I'm actually a little worried because a new couple of just moved in...
I'm not normally a great fan of horror stories, and there is a lot of them on Trigger Street. But although I spotted the outcome quite early one, this was well written and even better observed, this was actually more black comedy than horror. You have a nice eye for detail and very good descriptive writing. I'm actually a little worried because a new couple of just moved in next door and asked around for a drink tonight. I think I'll decline gracefully. Great story, very well told.
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Firstly I'd like to say what a pleasure it was to review something as well written as this. Your descriptive writing is very good indeed and I could actually 'smell' the lap dancing club! I also loved the way you slowly took us into the life of Miss Jones and got this reader rooting for her. And the ending was classic horror. Most of this genre has been throughly mined, so...
Firstly I'd like to say what a pleasure it was to review something as well written as this. Your descriptive writing is very good indeed and I could actually 'smell' the lap dancing club! I also loved the way you slowly took us into the life of Miss Jones and got this reader rooting for her. And the ending was classic horror. Most of this genre has been throughly mined, so it's refreshing to read an original twist. If I have any small problem, it is with the ending which I thought read a little rushed. Apart from that this was an extremely well constructed story.
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I want to first say that you have picked a very marketable genre, the contained thriller is probably the easiest to sell on spec. You executed the idea fairly well. I can tell you know you still have a draft or two more to go to get this were you want it, and I can tell by your writing skill you are more than capable of getting it there. I will just jot my notes as I had them.....
I want to first say that you have picked a very marketable genre, the contained thriller is probably the easiest to sell on spec. You executed the idea fairly well. I can tell you know you still have a draft or two more to go to get this were you want it, and I can tell by your writing skill you are more than capable of getting it there. I will just jot my notes as I had them...
1. 91 pages, I like you already!
2. Page 1, I don't like that your protag is named Lake in a story about a Lake House in a script called Storm Lake. I think that's overplaying your hand a bit. I'd like it if her last name was another adjective to lake, like Waters or maybe something better than that.
3. Page 1, your action is short and crisp. Your prose is easy to read.
4. Page 2, you mentioned "hand-me-downs" to describe both the Lake House furniture and the girls close in the picture only a page apart. I'd find a different phrase to describe one of them
5. Page 3, Your opening scene sets the tone of your genre nicely.
6. Page 4, "wrong side of 60." I love that character description.
7. Page 5, "Easaw gins" could just be "grins" in his parenthetical.
8. Page 5, I loved the subtext at the end of this page and how natural it sounded.
9. Page 7, Grave robbing, creepy. I'm intrigued.
10. Page 8, Looking for a gun and struggling to find it while you feel in danger is a great scene. Short term goal, perceived stakes, good stuff.
11. Page 10, "tries to grab(s)" (grab)
12. Page 11, The Walter drowning scene was good. And the mysterious person there adds a great element. Action and mystery all in one.
13. Page 12, Walter "somebody pushed me"...very intriguing.
14. Page 15, Good with the flash going by the window.
15. Page 17, "Amanda sweeps and Gracie..." I'd just cut "and" and start a new sentence.
16. Page 19, A 4 year old was in the living room this whole time and Amanda didn't notice? What?
17. Page 20, Gracie has back to back lines of dialogue with nothing separating them.
18. Page 21, Instead of "start laughing" I'd just say "laugh".
19. Page 25-26, The Dorval thing happened kinda quickly and out of nowhere. Was this a Daydream? I was a bit confused by this scene.
20. Page 27, Walter used to babysit gracie, I'm confused by the anger she has towards him?
21. Page 28, "An ancient cans of glaze" rephrase.
22. Page 31, It's been a few pages since we've had a major event.
23. Page 33, "Grabs an old metal coffee can and places it in a bucket, which she carries down to the lake." I'm assuming this is Amanda, but it could be Storm? I also suggest adding a scene heading.
24. Page 33, ok this flashback makes me thing the other Dorval scene was a flashback.
25. Page 34, Dorval is creepy and there is a solid amount of mystery surrounding him.
26. Page 36, Good backstory with Walter.
27. Page 37, "His demeanor does a whole 360." I think you meant a 180.
28. Page 38, "Goes in Walter's house to fetch some juice." Who goes in? Also the whole juice scene didn't really feel needed.
29. Page 41, "He's not our real father." That's a good way to end a scene! A reverse Star Wars moment lol
30. Page 43, Dorval had the same birthmark. So I'm guessing that's Amanda's father? I wish that were a little more clear?
31. Page 44, I'm not sure the significance of Dorval getting the birthmark removed?
32. Page 49, Dorval makes an appearance. Good timing.
33. There are parts of the 2nd Act that could use a little spicing up.
34. Page 51, So was the Dorval thing a dream? I'm a bit confused by Amanda's reaction.
35. Storm is unsupervised by the lake! How irresponsible.
36. Page 55, Good chain of events with Walter's house setting on fire.
37. I think you should give Gracie a good reason to be distracted, otherwise it makes it look really bad for leaving Storm unsupervised.
38. Page 57, I think it would have played better if Storm was unable to answer them right away and Gracie had just verbally unloaded on Walter. It would add a bit of irony and be very entertaining to see how bad she felt when Storm explained what happened.
39. Page 60, Walter's mental state is funny forgetting his house almost burned down!
40. Page 61, Good hidden conflict between Amanda and Gracie. But then they let Storm out by herself again after she almost died? What the hell's wrong with them???
41. Page 62, Easaw was gone way too long! I almost forgot about him and the dug up grave.
42. Page 70, I think more could have been happening these past few pages.
43. Page 74, Dorval wanting Storm was nice twist.
44. Page 78, I like that only Amanda had seen Dorval. Kinda reminds me a bit of the William Shatner episode of The Twilight Zone with the creature on the wing of the plane.
45. Page 83, your action lines are good through here.
46. Page 86, Amanda died and it was lead poisoning. Wow!
47. Page 90, Nice ending of Dorval being real.
This was a good screenplay and a pleasure to read. I think if you add a bit more conflict to the 2nd Act and flesh out the characters a bit more this will be taken to another level.
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WHAT WORKED:
There's a lot of good stuff here. The writer does well in introducing all the main players straight away. The writer does well in setting up the problems of the characters.
Format is good. Reads quickly.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK:
The writer has all the elements here to make a good opening twenty-five pages. Unfortunately, as it's written at the moment, everything...
WHAT WORKED:
There's a lot of good stuff here. The writer does well in introducing all the main players straight away. The writer does well in setting up the problems of the characters.
Format is good. Reads quickly.
WHAT DIDN'T WORK:
The writer has all the elements here to make a good opening twenty-five pages. Unfortunately, as it's written at the moment, everything is being conveyed to the reader via pages and pages of dialogue. Characters are endlessly saying exactly what's on their mind and telling each other their problems.
As mentioned in the notes, the conversation that starts on page four, doesn't finish until around page eleven or twelve. That's a very long time to have characters talking to each other about their problems to each other. Talking heads and exposition.
Ideally, the writer needs to consider conveying this information to the reader in another way. Many times the characters will say what's wrong and why they aren't happy. As an example, let's take a look at this example from the notes.
RACHEL
I hope not. Danny is under
pressure investigating it and he
feels unappreciated. He was
passed over again for a
promotion. And he’s been so...
It would be far better showing this.
Consider showing Daniel being turned down for the promotion at work.
Consider showing him getting stressed at work. He's not coping.
Then coming home and ignoring Rachel's advances.
What if Andre arrives at work after a vacation all happy, and Daniel asks him what's going on and then Andre tells him about the swingers club etc? This could be the inciting incident.
Daniel then takes some brochures home and tries to convince Rachel about it?
What if he checks out some sites on the internet?
What if they argue about it first?
What if Daniel finally persuades Rachel and she agrees to it?
There needs to be more conflict injected into this to make it interesting.
These are just ideas for you to consider.
This reader believes everything is here, it's just not being executed in the best way at the moment.
When they arrive at the manor, consider having a chaperone there who instructs them on what they can and can't do. The rules of the game. What if this chaperone gets the newcomers to introduce themselves, create some tension? What if this makes Rachel think twice about it and maybe one of the other experienced swingers there convinces her to stay?
These are just ideas for you to consider.
HOW DOES THE REST OF THE STORY PLAY OUT?
STORY / PLOT:
Is it easy to follow?
Pg 26 – 50
This is certainly a lot more interesting than the previous section. Although, this reader questions how Julian found out where Rachel would be? This may be explained later, but the writer should consider setting this up better.
Otherwise, it comes across as too coincidental.
There is also a great opportunity to inject some conflict.
Rachel should be concerned when she first sees Julian, and should question him and his motives. She should be a little more suspicious of him.
Ask him how he found her etc. And he explains that it's just a lucky coincidence or maybe that she told him at the manor etc.
As mentioned in the notes, what if Julian finds a business card and cell phone number in Rachel's handbag while she is sleeping at the manor? And this is how he finds out where she is?
Pg 51 – 75
This reader would like to see Julian hassle Rachel more before she finally gives in to him. This reader would also like to see more scenes of them together where his temper and controlling side comes through.
He's a bit of a control freak.
Otherwise, it kind of comes out of the blue.
What if is is hinted at in a scene at the manor?
What if Julian goes to touch Jo or something and she flinches?
What if Jo has a bruise on her face and makes up some excuse to Rachel about it?
Also the story thread involving the investigation. This also seems to come out of the blue, ideally the writer needs to consider setting this up better at the start. Again, the opening section, the first twenty-five pages feel wasted due to the amount of dialogue.
The writer should consider setting some scenes at Daniel's work showing him getting stressed and also setting up this investigation better. Otherwise, it feels like it it's dropped in.
Pg 76 – 100
Lots of issues with this section.
The first one is the amount of dialogue.
Characters talk endlessly to each other, explaining everything.
A good example of an excessive amount of dialogue is the scene at the graveyard that starts on page 75. It's far too long. Pages and pages of dialogue, this amount of dialogue kills any momentum that a story has.
Secondly, is the scene at the fire station. This needs to happen in ACT 1. The writer needs to show the world Daniel inhabits in those opening pages. Show why he's stressed, show him not getting that promotion at work. Show him not coping. Otherwise, this comes out of the blue.
Show him investigating this case about the arsonist.
Thirdly, the story shifts to Julian's and Jo's relationship. The writer needs to consider what and who this story is about. Is it about a couple trying to solve their relationship issues or is it about a guy who works for the fire department who's trying to solve an investigation? If these two worlds are set up better in the 1st Act, then it is possible that it can work.
Pg 101 – to the end
Same issues with this section.
Lots of explaining and dialogue
Consider bringing Olly into it more.
What Rachel knows him from work and is surprised when she first sees him at the manor? As it's written at the moment, he just kind of pops up randomly, consider developing their relationship more.
PREMISE / CONCEPT:
Is it unique/familiar?
Does it have a strong, sellable logline?
At the moment, this really feels like it should be two stories.
One about an arsonist who works in the fire department.
And one about a couple trying to fix their relationship problems.
If the writer works harder at setting up both these worlds in the opening pages, then it could work.
FORMAT / PRESENTATION:
Is it well written? No glaring issues?
The actual format is fine.
No glaring issues. A few spelling mistakes here and there and lacking punctuation.
Nothing major.
STRUCTURE:
Is there a beginning, middle and end?
Does the writer know where they're taking the story?
Does something happen to the main character(s) that pushes them in a new and different direction?
One of the problems is not having one main character to focus on.
The story shifts from character to character and there doesn't appear to be any one character driving the story forward with their actions. A good example is when Andre calls Rachel and asks her about Daniel and she somehow puts two and two together. If this is the route the writer wishes to take, then they need to make Rachel far more proactive.
Is it her story or Daniel's?
PACING:
Do scenes repeat themselves?
Do scenes seem pointless, drag, seem to fast?
In its present form, is it easy to get through or a hard slog?
Is it fun or boring?
Although it is incredibly easy to read. The actual story is incredibly slow. This is mainly due to the amount of dialogue between characters. They talk endlessly. Good examples to use are the ones at the graveyard and right at the start when they are all having dinner.
Pages and pages of dialogue.
This amount of dialogue slows down the momentum of a story.
Not to mention, it's extremely boring to read, talking heads.
CHARACTERS:
Character goals?
Character motivation?
Do characters have an arc, do they change as the story unfolds?
The writer needs to figure out who the main character is and stay with them through the course of the story and tell it from their point of view.
Is it Daniel's story?
Is it Rachel's story?
Ideally, it should be told from the perspective of Rachel, what if she is the one that suggests they go to a swingers club? What if she grows suspicious of Daniel being away all the time?
She needs to be pushing the story forward?
If the story is told from Daniel's point of view, then his life needs to be set up a lot better in those opening twenty-five pages. As already mentioned, show him at work and not coping, show him bringing his problems home with him and that is why their relationship isn't working.
This would be far more interesting than watching a bunch of characters sitting round a dining table chatting about why their lives suck.
DIALOGUE:
Is it effective?
Does the dialogue suit the genre and characters?
Do characters talk endlessly?
There's just far too much in this version.
Where characters say exactly what's on their minds.
More work needs to be done in reducing the amount.
THEME:
Is there a theme?
How is the theme conveyed? Through dialogue, imagery?
This reader couldn't see a theme as such.
TONE / STYLE:
How the writer conveys visuals through good description and action?
Does the tone suit the genre? Does it shift at all as the story unfold?
The writer does well with the description and action lines.
Easy to read and understand.
The tone of the story does shift some what, especially when the story thread about the arsonist comes into play. More work needs to be done in keeping the tone more consistent.
Again, if this is set up earlier in ACT 1, this might work.
COMMERCIAL POTENTIAL:
How would it fare in the market place?
Is there an audience for it?
At the moment, this story feels very muddled with no clear focus.
The writer needs to consider setting up the lives of the characters much better in that 1st ACT.
Is it about an arsonist or about a couple with relationship issues?
SUGGESTIONS & CONSIDERATIONS:
The following suggestions may help you to strengthen your story in future drafts:
The writer needs to consider whether or not this is about an arsonist or about a couple with relationship issues. It is possible that it can work, but more work is needed in setting up Daniel's life and work environment at the start.
There's far too much dialogue where characters are just explaining everything to each other. And telling each other exactly what's on their mind.
Setting things up in ACT 1
Cutting down on the amount of dialogue and figuring out the structure, so that the story has momentum. Rather than having endless pages of dialogue.
OVERALL:
There's a lot in this first draft that the writer can use in the next version.
Best of luck with it and other projects.
PAGE by PAGE NOTES:
Format looks fine.
Pg 1
There's a character name without dialogue. ANDRE
Pg 6
Noticed a few spelling mistakes.
Stripper. It's...
Pg 8
DANIEL
We’ve tried everything.
Counseling, books, self-help. We
even considered
When a character interrupts another, add two dashes -
If a character trails off or pauses for a second add …
Pg 10
ANDRE
We were in the same boat as you,
taking each other for granted.
Everything was routine, we spent
plenty of time together but
things were always the same. And
it snapped.
At the moment, everyone is telling each other how they feel and what's going on in their lives. It's a lot of dialogue to get through. Consider getting this across another way. This conversation started back on page four.
What if Daniel is at work and overhears someone went to a swingers party? Decides to make some inquiries himself to find out what it's all about?
Maybe gets some brochures etc, takes them home, what if Rachel finds them? What if she disagrees and they argue about it?
Pg 11
KIM
We talked about it after a
session with a marriage
counselor. I said we shouldn’t
rule out anything if we wanted to
save our marriage.
At this point, this reader doesn't know what part Kim and Andre are going to play in this story. But it might be worth considering, what if Daniel and Rachel are seeing a marriage counselor and they are the ones that maybe suggest that they need to spice up their love life and get out there?
Rather than have them all sitting around a table chatting.
Pg 12
That's quite a long conversation.
Pg 16
DANIEL
Look I’m tired and I’ve been
busting my balls all day and not
one person gives a shit.
There's a lot of dialogue in these pages where characters are basically telling each other what's been going on. Ideally, the writer needs to consider conveying this to the reader in a more interesting way.
There's a lot to work with here.
Let's take a look at the setup. Things need to be moving faster, rather than having them talking about everything, consider showing.
What if Daniel fails to get a promotion at work?
Consider showing Daniel having a bad day at work.
Consider showing Daniel arriving at home and Rachel trying to seduce him and he shrugs her off and he falls asleep.
Consider showing them having an argument in the morning.
Consider showing Daniel at work, and he meets Andre who's in a very good mood, and Daniel finds out from Andre about these swinger clubs. This could be the inciting incident. Then we get to see them at work and discussing swinger clubs. Kill two birds with one stone.
Daniel then goes home and tries to tell Rachel about it. At first they argue about and then she finally agrees to it etc.
These are ideas for you to think about. Rather than just having them sitting around talking about it. Actually show why they are having these problems and try and show either Daniel or Rachel trying to figure out how to solve these issues they have. Make them proactive.
Pg 19
RACHEL
I hope not. Danny is under
pressure investigating it and he
feels unappreciated. He was
passed over again for a
promotion. And he’s been so
Instead of having characters telling each other everything, consider showing these situations. Consider having a scene showing Danny getting turned down for promotion. Consider showing Danny at work struggling to get through the day. Makes it far more interesting.
At the moment, there is a lot of dialogue where characters are telling each other everything.
Consider showing Danny and Rachel in bed at night. Rachel is up for a bit of action and Danny ignores her, he's just not interested. This causes her to be offended and she starts thinking that maybe it's her fault. This would create conflict on the page which is far better and more interesting than having characters tell each other about their lives.
Pg 22
A good opportunity to lighten the tone here.
Make this first meet between Rachel and Oliver more interesting.
What if Oliver spills his drink over Rachel?
What if she spills her drink over him?
Liven things up a little.
And then this Derek character tries to muscle his way in etc.
Pg 37
DANIEL
Rach, did you see how all those
guys were staring at you last
night? Everyone wanted you and I
was so jealous and I felt like an
idiot for not having appreciated
what I had more.
Consider showing moments like this.
Especially if they were to have a meeting before the swinging kicks in.
Pg 40
This is too coincidental, this reader isn't sure if this will be explained later. But if it isn't, this needs to be set up when they are in the bedroom.
What if Julian checks through her handbag while Rachel is asleep and finds a business card and cell phone number. And this is how he tracks her down.
What if he rings up her place of work, or maybe she tells him that she's got a house viewing on a road and he figure it out etc.
Pg 42
Consider cutting out all the meet and greet scenes, and just cut straight to the dinner, mid-conversation.
Pg 51
DANIEL (CONT’D)
Don’t even think about it, Danny,
you moron.
This reader suspects that Daniel has a thing for Jo. This needs to be set up, what if he and Rachel are still arguing and things haven't got back to normal yet?
Pg 58
KIM
I knew he was too perfect.
Don't really need the above dialogue.
Pg 60
This reader is a little unsure as to what investigation they are referring to here. Pretty certain this wasn't set up at the start, it suddenly comes out of the blue. The writer needs to consider setting up what's going on in Daniel's life at the start better. Consider having some early scenes of him at work not coping -, under pressure with this investigation, not getting the promotion etc.
Pg 84
This scene at the Graveyard is almost nine pages long. That's a very long scene where the characters are basically telling each other what's on their mind.
Pg 88
This is the first time we are seeing Daniel at the fire station. This is far too late. As already mentioned, instead of all that dialogue in those opening twenty-five pages. Show Daniel at work getting turned down for that promotion, getting stressed with this investigation etc.
Let the reader see the situation he is in.
Pg 91
Make it clearer that Julian is actually present.
Pg 96
Consider making this clearer. He's knocked over the head and in the next line he wakes up tied to a radiator. Consider having him wake up in another area of the house? What if he gets hit over the head in the kitchen and wakes up in a bedroom?
Pg 101
DANIEL
We don’t know but there have been
a string of arsons going back the
last couple of years that seem to
point to him.
The writer needs to show Daniel working on this case in the 1st ACT.
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Hi,
First of all I just want to say that you are talented. THE story was good, I enjoyed the idea of the script. The structure of the script was great, I've actually learned something on structure while reading your script. That being said, I don't understand why someone as talented and imaginative as yourself, would lean so heavily on base language.
I understand that...
Hi,
First of all I just want to say that you are talented. THE story was good, I enjoyed the idea of the script. The structure of the script was great, I've actually learned something on structure while reading your script. That being said, I don't understand why someone as talented and imaginative as yourself, would lean so heavily on base language.
I understand that there is a certain grit you were giving your characters, and this is often how writers establish characters. However, you have the skill to not lean on such things.
While reading, I could see that the characters could have easily used colorful language without it being a storm of low class vocabulary. You are an artist, and very skilled. However, a person like me would never discover that, because a person like me would not spend a dime on a film filled with such language. The story was great. I loved Trina, she was my favorite character. The dancing in the theater was funny. the ending was good. I like it, but I would not buy a ticket to see it. I wouldn't even spend a dollar at a Red Box to rent it with language like that.
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This was a VERY breezy read. For that, I thank you. You have a very nice, economical style. One thing that results, that I feel is a negative, is unfilm-able "non-visual" tags, elements and characterizations, which are littered throughout.
Examples:
After talking to Walter about his dead relatives-- "First confusion, and then sadness as this often repeated conversation plays...
This was a VERY breezy read. For that, I thank you. You have a very nice, economical style. One thing that results, that I feel is a negative, is unfilm-able "non-visual" tags, elements and characterizations, which are littered throughout.
Examples:
After talking to Walter about his dead relatives-- "First confusion, and then sadness as this often repeated conversation plays out again."
"... taking care to make sure she hands Amanda what is obviously her own personal favorite."
After she reads an inscription on the back of a photo-- "Gracie is touched."
Compare these to:
"Amanda, broken from her spell, dashes into the house."
----
There is a fine line between an "acting" moment that is painted via the words, like the latter is, and an unfilm-able non-visual short hand that will at some point become a huge issue. If not during prelim reads by folks we want to have read our material, then almost certainly when it comes time to film the scenes or when actors try to convey something that isn't entirely clear.
As that is a "screenplay specific" critique, it doesn't have anything to do with the weaving of the yarn itself. And you do weave a very nice yarn. You clearly know how to set up intense moments of suspense. Actually you're one of the best "amateurs" I've ever read.
The biggest weakness I saw was a large repetition of plot points. It's some mixture of Walter, Gracie and Storm as Amanda tries to choreograph them in one way or another while she simultaneously freaks out. On its face this is fine, and makes for a great contained thriller. But because Gracie, Storm and even Walter don't really "arc" as characters, they don't change as the narrative progresses and thus Amanda is left to deal with the same configuration of wants, needs and desires of the one dynamic element in her world-- her fellow characters. Walter comes the closest as he changes emotional states with the presence or absence of Storm. But adding depth to that character by expounding upon the reasons for his desire to have a relationship with Storm (which I didn't ever catch, I might have missed it though). Something other than he's old and it's cute when old people like and attach and become a grandfather figure to young people without fathers. Expecting that alone to ingratiate him to your audience.
The repetitive narrative thread is most obviously demonstrated by the sheer number of times Gracie, Walter and Storm (and Amanda) cry. Gracie especially. Everyone cries. All the time. That is not only unrealistic just on its face, it will make your actors hate you. At one point I wish I had kept track of the number of times Gracie cried, mostly just at the drop of a hat. I think she cries while opening jelly at one point? ... I think you would be astounded by the number of times she sheds tears.
Yes, there are some obvious "he's" that should be "her's" or visa versa, or those types of mistakes. Sorry I didn't write them down. They're not pervasive, but they exist.
You can write. You can tell a story. You write great twists and compelling turns. Thanks for a fun read.
All the best,
Nick
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pg.1
Consider using an opening image of the lake and nature, ext.
Pg 26. I feel confused about Dorval. Is this the decaying Dorval or is this some kind of flashback?
Pg 30. Storm, should be 'he'
pg 34. Is there a confusion with these flashbacks?
The flashback ends but it seems to be the same situation. I'm confused.
Pg 65. Gracie-Ooooookay... that's a little bit creepy...
pg.1
Consider using an opening image of the lake and nature, ext.
Pg 26. I feel confused about Dorval. Is this the decaying Dorval or is this some kind of flashback?
Pg 30. Storm, should be 'he'
pg 34. Is there a confusion with these flashbacks?
The flashback ends but it seems to be the same situation. I'm confused.
Pg 65. Gracie-Ooooookay... that's a little bit creepy.
Someone stole the corpse of their pedophile father and it's just a little creepy?
The finale: Your choice to use short slug lines is hard to follow.
In order to understand all the information the reader would need to have a good understanding of the entire house and Walter's house.
I keep getting confused about who is who and where this person is. Also I keep getting confused between Amanda and Gracie. They are both generally the same length, if you make one short and one long I think it will be easier to remember.
I would recommend for the finale to be way more pedantic and give whatever extra information is possible.
Even things like (the room next to the kitchen). Repeat important points like Amanda, still carrying the moltove cocktail, goes into the bedroom.
If you dont' write that I end up saying 'wait does she still have it or not?
An example:
THROUGH THE WINDOW
Amanda runs across the yard and grabs a small gas can.
GRACIE (O.S.)
Shit. Now what?
PARENT’S BEDROOM
STORM
Where are we going?
GRACIE
Shh!
STORM
I don’t want to leave.
Gracie picks her up.
The screen door opens and shuts.
This exchange is a good example of the kind of confusion I feel. Is there a delay between these two slug lines or do they flow continuously?
If there is a space what happens in that time?
Gracie freezes in place just feet away from the door.
AMANDA
We should have done this years ago
instead of running away.
GRACIE
So many things were different back
then. We were just kids.
81.AMANDA
I love you Gracie. No matter what
happens, don't ever forget that.
GRACIE
Don't talk like that. Everything's
going to be okay... We'll get you a
good doctor.
AMANDA
There’s nothing wrong with me. Why
won’t you listen?
I don't understand if Gracie knows what's happening. As far as I understand she saw the moltov cocktail and I assume that she
realizes that Amanda has blocked both the front and back exits, and that Amanda has gone crazy but Gracie doesn't seem that upset.
pg 85, need a time of day on the slugline
General notes:
You've chosen a difficult subject which is hard to evaluate besides technically. Generally I found the whole thing quite frightening and emotional.
As far as writing style I like the fluidity of your style but the trade off is that it’s harder to follow. Make sure that everyone is following along and if things get tricky it might be good to double check if your reader is following. I got lost several times and found myself rereading things often.
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"Moon light casts through a skeleton of trees and eases through the window curtains." -- What's a "skeleton of trees?"
But one example of some head scratching sentences and images you use to tell your story. Edit. Edit. Edit.
OK. With that out of the way.
What you have here is a story, it has a beginning, middle and end. It has characters and a narrative. But it is not terribly...
"Moon light casts through a skeleton of trees and eases through the window curtains." -- What's a "skeleton of trees?"
But one example of some head scratching sentences and images you use to tell your story. Edit. Edit. Edit.
OK. With that out of the way.
What you have here is a story, it has a beginning, middle and end. It has characters and a narrative. But it is not terribly compelling.
The problems as I see them are as follows:
1) Your dialogue is how you give us backstory, context and even a good number of plot points. On the screen this translates to people talking. Movies are primarily a visual medium. More visuals to give us answers to questions of "who, what, where, when and why" and less having characters tell us outright. This will help your dialogue become less "on the nose." This will help develop your character's voices so they are distinguished from one another as right now they are not. You have some great visual moments, as this is a "horror" and of course scares come from moments and not dialogue. But think of this as a "silent-film." Write it as a silent film and suddenly the dialogue becomes much free-er and you can explore characters in a much deeper and more compelling way.
2) Cut back on your descriptions. Seems counter intuitive to point 1) I know, but it's not. Thin out the wordiness of the descriptions you have and add more visual moments using the new pared down descriptions.
3) Develop ALL your characters, especially those that appear in more than two scenes. They should be complicated and interesting. Keep in mind your characters are defined by their relationships. Not "mom-son" relationships. But the "mom scared for her son" type relationships. Complex, interesting relationships that are deep and interesting make for deep and interesting characters. These relationships give you subtext to hit and play with in your dialogue. The situations your characters find themselves in, the situations your protag creates to drive the narrative are what your characters talk about, the relationships to the people they talk to are the HOW they talk. The how they talk is 95% of what great dialogue is.
4) Your premise is not terribly inventive. But more than that... The opening of a horror type story is what the audience will judge the rest of the horror on. This is true of movies generally, but no where is it more true than in horror. Horror is ALL about writing creatively to scare and awe in ways that have never been done. In ways a very well-movied audience doesn't see coming. How you open your story tells the audience what they can expect for the next 90 mins to 2 hours. Your opening is not only slightly hard to follow (mostly due to sentence flow and structure) but it is also incredibly generic. In order to write horror that gets peoples attention it has to be outside the box while at the same time hitting the narrative structure we're all familiar with. Writing GOOD horror is incredibly hard as a result. NAIL YOUR OPENING! MAKE IT CREATIVE AND NEW AND AWE INSPIRING! You do that, we'll follow you just about anywhere.
So these all work off each other and the interplay is deeply prevalent. Lastly, always be thinking/asking "where's my drama?" From scene to scene, within the scene, from act to act, within the act.
With that I'll leave you with this letter from the great dramatist David Mamet to his wiritng room for "The Unit." All about writers writing drama.
WE ARE TASKED WITH, IT SEEMS, CRAMMING A SHITLOAD OF *INFORMATION* INTO A LITTLE BIT OF TIME.
BUT NOTE:THE AUDIENCE WILL NOT TUNE IN TO WATCH INFORMATION. YOU WOULDN’T, I WOULDN’T. NO ONE WOULD OR WILL. THE AUDIENCE WILL ONLY TUNE IN AND STAY TUNED TO WATCH DRAMA
SO: WE, THE WRITERS, MUST ASK OURSELVES *OF EVERY SCENE* THESE THREE QUESTIONS.
1) WHO WANTS WHAT?
2) WHAT HAPPENS IF THEY DON’T GET IT?
3) WHAT NOW?
THE ANSWERS TO THESE QUESTIONS ARE LITMUS PAPER. APPLY THEM, AND THEIR ANSWER WILL TELL YOU IF THE SCENE IS DRAMATIC OR NOT.
IF THE SCENE IS NOT [WELL] WRITTEN, IT WILL NOT BE [WELL] ACTED.
THERE IS NO MAGIC FAIRY DUST WHICH WILL MAKE A BORING, USELESS, REDUNDANT, OR MERELY INFORMATIVE SCENE AFTER IT LEAVES YOUR TYPEWRITER WORK. *YOU* THE WRITERS, ARE IN CHARGE OF MAKING SURE *EVERY* SCENE IS DRAMATIC.
THIS MEANS ALL THE “LITTLE” EXPOSITIONAL SCENES OF TWO PEOPLE TALKING ABOUT A THIRD. THIS BUSHWAH (AND WE ALL TEND TO WRITE IT ON THE FIRST DRAFT) IS LESS THAN USELESS, SHOULD IT FINALLY, GOD FORBID, GET FILMED.
IF THE SCENE BORES YOU WHEN YOU READ IT, REST ASSURED IT *WILL* BORE THE ACTORS, AND WILL, THEN, BORE THE AUDIENCE, AND WE’RE ALL GOING TO BE BACK IN THE BREADLINE.
SOMEONE HAS TO MAKE THE SCENE DRAMATIC. IT IS NOT THE ACTORS JOB (THE ACTORS JOB IS TO BE TRUTHFUL). IT IS NOT THE DIRECTORS JOB. HIS OR HER JOB IS TO FILM IT STRAIGHTFORWARDLY AND REMIND THE ACTORS TO TALK FAST. IT IS *YOUR* JOB.
EVERY SCENE MUST BE DRAMATIC. THAT MEANS: THE MAIN CHARACTER MUST HAVE A SIMPLE, STRAIGHTFORWARD, PRESSING NEED WHICH IMPELS HIM OR HER TO SHOW UP IN THE SCENE.
THIS NEED IS WHY THEY *CAME*. IT IS WHAT THE SCENE IS ABOUT. THEIR ATTEMPT TO GET THIS NEED MET *WILL* LEAD, AT THE END OF THE SCENE,TO *FAILURE* – THIS IS HOW THE SCENE IS *OVER*. IT, THIS FAILURE, WILL, THEN, OF NECESSITY, PROPEL US INTO THE *NEXT* SCENE.
ALL THESE ATTEMPTS, TAKEN TOGETHER, WILL, OVER THE COURSE OF THE EPISODE, CONSTITUTE THE *PLOT*.
ANY SCENE, THUS, WHICH DOES NOT BOTH ADVANCE THE PLOT, AND STANDALONE (THAT IS, DRAMATICALLY, BY ITSELF, ON ITS OWN MERITS) IS EITHER SUPERFLUOUS, OR INCORRECTLY WRITTEN.
YES BUT YES BUT YES BUT, YOU SAY: WHAT ABOUT THE NECESSITY OF WRITING IN ALL THAT “INFORMATION?”
AND I RESPOND “*FIGURE IT OUT*” ANY DICKHEAD WITH A BLUESUIT CAN BE (AND IS) TAUGHT TO SAY “MAKE IT CLEARER”, AND “I WANT TO KNOW MORE *ABOUT* HIM”.
WHEN YOU’VE MADE IT SO CLEAR THAT EVEN THIS BLUESUITED PENGUIN IS HAPPY, BOTH YOU AND HE OR SHE *WILL* BE OUT OF A JOB.
THE JOB OF THE DRAMATIST IS TO MAKE THE AUDIENCE WONDER WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. *NOT* TO EXPLAIN TO THEM WHAT JUST HAPPENED, OR TO*SUGGEST* TO THEM WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.
ANY DICKHEAD, AS ABOVE, CAN WRITE, “BUT, JIM, IF WE DON’T ASSASSINATE THE PRIME MINISTER IN THE NEXT SCENE, ALL EUROPE WILL BE ENGULFED IN FLAME”
WE ARE NOT GETTING PAID TO *REALIZE* THAT THE AUDIENCE NEEDS THIS INFORMATION TO UNDERSTAND THE NEXT SCENE, BUT TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO WRITE THE SCENE BEFORE US SUCH THAT THE AUDIENCE WILL BE INTERESTED IN WHAT HAPPENS NEXT.
YES BUT, YES BUT YES *BUT* YOU REITERATE.
AND I RESPOND *FIGURE IT OUT*.
*HOW* DOES ONE STRIKE THE BALANCE BETWEEN WITHHOLDING AND VOUCHSAFING INFORMATION? *THAT* IS THE ESSENTIAL TASK OF THE DRAMATIST. AND THE ABILITY TO *DO* THAT IS WHAT SEPARATES YOU FROM THE LESSER SPECIES IN THEIR BLUE SUITS.
FIGURE IT OUT.
START, EVERY TIME, WITH THIS INVIOLABLE RULE: THE *SCENE MUST BE DRAMATIC*. it must start because the hero HAS A PROBLEM, AND IT MUST CULMINATE WITH THE HERO FINDING HIM OR HERSELF EITHER THWARTED OR EDUCATED THAT ANOTHER WAY EXISTS.
LOOK AT YOUR LOG LINES. ANY LOGLINE READING “BOB AND SUE DISCUSS…” IS NOT DESCRIBING A DRAMATIC SCENE.
THINK LIKE A FILMMAKER RATHER THAN A FUNCTIONARY, BECAUSE, IN TRUTH, *YOU* ARE MAKING THE FILM. WHAT YOU WRITE, THEY WILL SHOOT.
HERE ARE THE DANGER SIGNALS. ANY TIME TWO CHARACTERS ARE TALKING ABOUT A THIRD, THE SCENE IS A CROCK OF SHIT.
ANY TIME ANY CHARACTER IS SAYING TO ANOTHER “AS YOU KNOW”, THAT IS, TELLING ANOTHER CHARACTER WHAT YOU, THE WRITER, NEED THE AUDIENCE TO KNOW, THE SCENE IS A CROCK OF SHIT.
DO *NOT* WRITE A CROCK OF SHIT. WRITE A RIPPING THREE, FOUR, SEVEN MINUTE SCENE WHICH MOVES THE STORY ALONG, AND YOU CAN, VERY SOON, BUY A HOUSE IN BEL AIR *AND* HIRE SOMEONE TO LIVE THERE FOR YOU.
REMEMBER YOU ARE WRITING FOR A VISUAL MEDIUM. *MOST* SCREEN WRITING, OURS INCLUDED, SOUNDS LIKE *RADIO*. THE *CAMERA* CAN DO THE EXPLAINING FOR YOU. *LET* IT. WHAT ARE THE CHARACTERS *DOING* -*LITERALLY*. WHAT ARE THEY HANDLING, WHAT ARE THEY READING. WHAT ARE THEY WATCHING ON TELEVISION, WHAT ARE THEY *SEEING*.
IF YOU PRETEND THE CHARACTERS CANT SPEAK, AND WRITE A SILENT MOVIE, YOU WILL BE WRITING A GREAT *SCREENPLAY*.
IF YOU DEPRIVE YOURSELF OF THE CRUTCH OF NARRATION, EXPOSITION, INDEED, OF *SPEECH*. YOU WILL BE FORCED TO WORK IN A NEW MEDIUM – TELLING THE STORY IN PICTURES (ALSO KNOWN AS SCREENWRITING)
THIS IS A NEW SKILL. NO ONE DOES IT NATURALLY. YOU CAN TRAIN YOURSELVES TO DO IT, BUT YOU NEED TO *START*.
I CLOSE WITH THE ONE THOUGHT: LOOK AT THE *SCENE* AND ASK YOURSELF “IS IT DRAMATIC? IS IT *ESSENTIAL*? DOES IT ADVANCE THE PLOT?
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY.
IF THE ANSWER IS “NO” WRITE IT AGAIN OR THROW IT OUT.
All the best,
Nick
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“A Child Is Born” was indeed quite a concise short story describing Alois’ past, present and future desires quite well. Yet, I did not feel compassion for either him or his wife. Perhaps it was the brevity of your tale? Regardless, it was extremely well written and I did not see the ending coming. You made me realize I never entertained the fact of Hitler having parents. Naïve...
“A Child Is Born” was indeed quite a concise short story describing Alois’ past, present and future desires quite well. Yet, I did not feel compassion for either him or his wife. Perhaps it was the brevity of your tale? Regardless, it was extremely well written and I did not see the ending coming. You made me realize I never entertained the fact of Hitler having parents. Naïve on my part, I must confess. Thanks for the read and jogging my historical brain. Best, Montana
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Although it begins slowly, Toni’s discovery of Dave’s picture half-way through the script piqued my interest long enough to remain engaged through the rest of the script. I think part of the reason the plot development was slow were the scenes that ended up being unnecessary to the rest of the story, most notably the subplot about her aunt’s funeral. The only crucial function...
Although it begins slowly, Toni’s discovery of Dave’s picture half-way through the script piqued my interest long enough to remain engaged through the rest of the script. I think part of the reason the plot development was slow were the scenes that ended up being unnecessary to the rest of the story, most notably the subplot about her aunt’s funeral. The only crucial function this serves is to facilitate the first real encounter between Toni and Dave, an event that could have occurred within any number of less elaborate situations. Cutting some of the more extraneous scenes in lieu of developing Toni and Dave’s relationship would make the build-up to the second half less tedious. I don’t think we need to be reminded of Toni’s grievous past quite so often; the opening flashback does enough work to establish this detail.
I felt the resolution to the mysteries of the second half ended up disappointingly cliché, even though the suspense leading up to it was genuinely intriguing. I also thought a few of the scenes between Toni and Dave were well written, which makes me wish there had been more screen time written for the two.
I think this script has potential. Reducing the time it takes to set up the most compelling part of the story would be a big step toward realizing it.
One quick addendum: Delete the call for “rowdy ASIAN TOURISTS” on page 68. That’s a pretty racist stereotype, even if you didn't mean any harm by it.
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There are way too many characters introduced in the first two pages and there are way too may characters in your story. I didn't care about anyone because I never spent enough time with them. Stories like 'Crash' have maybe ten characters. You have at least thirty.
I also didn't like any of your characters. They were all shallow and narcissistic. None of them seemed human...
There are way too many characters introduced in the first two pages and there are way too may characters in your story. I didn't care about anyone because I never spent enough time with them. Stories like 'Crash' have maybe ten characters. You have at least thirty.
I also didn't like any of your characters. They were all shallow and narcissistic. None of them seemed human at all. Just cliches and stereotypes.
The horoscope idea could work, but, as written, is just too flimsy and gimmicky. I just didn't believe it at all.
There are too many subplots. So confusing.
P.8 - This is too melodramatic. Plays like a bad TV movie.
People don't have answering machines anymore.
You use the 'looking at photos' convention at least four times in the script. That's just lazy writing. Sorry.
P.12 - The dialogue here and throughout your story is too expositional. Characters speak only because the information needs to get out there. It's not like real people talking.
Tongue kissing in description at least three times. Why?
Many os your scenes end too early. Also, some of the cuts from scene to scene are jarring. There is no continuity to your story. No flow.
P.16 - Zina is on a bus? Who rides the bus?
P.17 - Elvis with the plateful of hot dogs is funny.
Why do your characters confide deep secrets with total strangers? Makes no sense. Zina does it with Elvis.
P.23 - We don't see the bank robbery?
P.33 - Dialogue too expositional.
Why doesn't Supermodel and Tall Man have names?
P.35 - Sentence structure is poor. One big long sentence.
P.35 - The bodyguards won a contest and left. Huh?
Too reliant on Voice Mail for information. Be creative.
p.38 - The amount of contrivances in your story is crazy. He has to find the note, the security guard has to be asleep, etc. for all this to work. It's too easy and lazy writing.
The story is muddy because you have too many characters and too many subplots. And I just didn't care about anyone.
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Before I get into any further analysis of Angels, I’m just going to say that your final action scene - the car chase between Lance and Deb - was a showman example of fine action writing. Most screenplays don’t use the tried and true “series of shots / quick cuts” structure anymore, and it’s a damn shame - that action scene was a fast, easy read that had kinetic flow and was...
Before I get into any further analysis of Angels, I’m just going to say that your final action scene - the car chase between Lance and Deb - was a showman example of fine action writing. Most screenplays don’t use the tried and true “series of shots / quick cuts” structure anymore, and it’s a damn shame - that action scene was a fast, easy read that had kinetic flow and was very, very easy to visualize.
To me, Angels felt like two movies. I’m not sure if that was your intent with the script, but it’s the general feeling I got when reading. The revenge story elements I actively enjoyed, and they work perfectly in the context of your story. The spiritual stuff, on the other hand? It’s interesting, but I think it allows you to cheat - in a really, really big way - during the finale, and, for me, it sucked a lot of the punch out of the proceedings. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the script and think you have a fine story…it’s just a script I think would have worked better if the elements of supernatural were more ambiguous or left out entirely.
For what it’s worth, the twin stuff was interesting. I’m a twin, and I’ve never felt any sort of psycho-emotional connection to my brother whatsoever, but it’s a fun theory for people to play with, and it makes for decent material on a story front. Beckie inhabiting Deb’s body is a nifty concept, especially for a revenge-ish film. A dead twin sister helping her living sister find and take revenge on her killer? Definitely feels fresh, even by Hollywood standards. And you do a good job integrating Beckie into the proceedings; the usage of mirrors was a nice touch. I kept thinking that the way you constructed these scenes would give an actress (assuming they were both played by the same one, anyway) some incredible opportunities.
Likewise, Deb’s nightly activities (the vigilante ring) could be a film all to its own, as far as I’m concerned. Vigilantism is nothing new to films, but I think you handle it in a way that is both refreshing and surprisingly fun. And I think it adds a lot to the revenge aspects of the story (girl whose mother was raped taking down rapists / abusers), which helps to further define Deb as a character. I was a little disappointed that Becky - a cop - never got the chance, in life, to confront Deb for her nightly activities, but that’s splitting hairs…probably because the scenes between Becky and Deb read really well, so I was left wanting a lot more than what we ultimately got. Nitpicking.
The supernatural elements of the story turned into a problem for me, though. For the most part, the story hues relatively close to reality, which made me keep wondering whether Beckie was a figment of Deb’s imagination. I mean, the screenplay posits that there’s a connection between twins on that level, so I kind of expected such a development. The point where the spirits become visible to Lance, though, I think it kind of turns into an interesting plot element that hampers the story itself.
Number one, it makes Lance seem kind of…not that bright. He knows Deb is possessed by the spirit of her dead sister. And yet he still comes after her in the finale. Maybe I’m missing something, but knowing that a supernatural power was inhabiting someone’s body would probably put them on the very, very, very far end of my “people to fuck with” radar. I mean, how does he not see the point where the spirits jump out of her body and attack him coming? If Mike was The Director, it’d be fine, but Lance knows…
Number two, when the Director has Deb in a compromising position, the spirits feel like a cheat. Why weren’t they around to save every other woman who he’s killed? Is Beckie some sort of conduit spirit or something? If they can inhabit his body and make him stop moving, why don’t they just force him to kill himself? I get why you have the spirits in this film, and I understand that it’s a moment of closure for them to all attack The Director at once. It just seemed like a huge plot-hole / leap of logic, and feels like a deus ex machina. It’s important to your story that The Director gets Deb in that position, and it’s equally important that she escapes…I’d just love to see her do it through conventional means, instead of supernatural ones.
Plus, the whole “Spirits kill The Director” thing just makes the whole car chase - which was expertly-handled and quite fun - seem perfunctory. Like an excuse to add more action into the film and draw out the conclusion longer than necessary. If Deb escaped differently, her putting Lance in the car would make sense. But considering that the Spirits help her, I just kept wondering why they didn’t slowly torture Lance on the spot. Considering they could possess him and all…I don’t know, I’m ranting now, so I’ll stop. My only suggestion here is to make things a bit more ambiguous - make the audience wonder whether Beckie really is inhabited by Deb and the rest of the angels.
The police investigation aspect was well-handled. I liked the interplay between Deb and the captain quite a bit; I really wanted more of her at the police station, considering that she seems quite out-of-her-element, despite Beckie's spirit living inside her. You've clearly done your research (and if you haven't, you've faked it well) into police / arson investigation procedures, and it was an interesting read for me. I don't enjoy police procedural dramas by any means, but I find their process intriguing...the cop aspects of the script definitely worked for me, and provided a good opportunity to develop Deb a little more.
From a technical standpoint, expert work. It took me awhile to get used to the constant use of commas as opposed to short Chris Walken sentence fragments, but once my brain finally adjusted Angels went by smoothly enough. There were typos here and there, and I’m sketchy on the rules of putting numbers in dialogue (I thought we were supposed to type out everything but dates…could be wrong on that), so the script would benefit from another red-line readthrough. Nothing too major though, and certainly nothing that took me out of the story.
Dialogue - with one exception - was solid as well. You have a good balance of exposition being handled through lines and actions. The scenes between Deb and Beckie, who really do read like actual sisters, were excellent - I love the cross-cutting conversations that seem to both be going at once; very much something siblings do. And Mike’s dialogue is just enough “red herring” to make one wonder whether he’ll be an innocent bystander or turn out to be the killer. Your technical dialogue (with the police) can be a bit heavy from time-to-time, and I don’t think you need the dispatcher as much…but that’s just personal preference. And anyway, it reads really accurately. Your characters all speak with enough individual voice that even the background cops become distinguishable from one another.
The only dialogue issue I’d single out comes in the later scenes between Deb and Lance. The initial sequence (he finds her overdosed) and the hospital room work fine, but each scene they shared from her showing him Beckie’s spirit forward just felt really heavy-handed. A lot of people knock my scripts for this sort of thing, and the advice I usually get is “Do a read-through with some friends”. I get that it’s hard to just throw a table read together at any given time, but reading my scripts out loud really, really helps me cut things that seem too expository / plotty, or just sound overly comic bookish. There’s only a handful of scenes that read like this, though, so the screenplay is mostly in good shape - I’d just suggest adding a more conversational flow to Deb and Lance’s later exchanges.
And a final word of caution here. Rape. Tough element, I know, and you did post a warning But I’d just suggest moving the opening-scene rape of Deb and Beckie’s mother around in the film. The reasoning here is that you’ll alienate a good portion of the audience right there in the opening frame, making the rest of the film an uphill struggle to win them back. There’s a reason Hills Have Eyes, The Accused, Deliverance, Last House on the Left, and even the notorious I Spit On Your Grave work up to rape scenes; it’s easier to digest after the film has established a mood than being force-fed up-front. Just a suggestion.
Overall, though, I really like what you’ve done here. The script kept my interest, flowed well, and - while I don’t think they worked, necessarily - earns points for adding original elements to a story that could have otherwise felt very routine. The revenge elements of Angels are an incredibly strong foundation to build off of, I just have some issues with the supernatural elements - mainly because I feel like they’re used as a cheat. Besides that, any issues I have with this script are nitpicks and should be seen as such. I did enjoy Angels, and I think you have a pretty original concept here to play around with.
Quick sidebar; the description posted on the main script page could be a little more vague...I figured Lance was the killer just from those few paragraphs.
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Wow, what can I say. The language, wording and script - very powerful, poetic. I think this is a nice concept, the inner thoughts, spoken, simple set, real and up-close. I feel like I was starting to feel his madness just watching it.
I know the effect of the eyes twitching and the close up on the hands were powerful, but not quite sure of how it related to the word....
Wow, what can I say. The language, wording and script - very powerful, poetic. I think this is a nice concept, the inner thoughts, spoken, simple set, real and up-close. I feel like I was starting to feel his madness just watching it.
I know the effect of the eyes twitching and the close up on the hands were powerful, but not quite sure of how it related to the word. More of a mental reaction to his thoughts I'm thinking.
Suggestions:
The lighting and shadows were pretty off. Really large shadows on the wall, or his face in some scenes were a little distracting, making me remember that this is a film.
Also the acting - at times was a little overdone. The scribbling on the paper, you could tell he wasn't writing the words as he spoke. I like the repeating of some of the laughs, and sounds - it seemed to be accentuating his fragile mental state.
The editing, transitions between scenes seemed a little rushed, not a nice flow. Some of the quick flashes were a nice break - maybe intended to be crazy thoughts or fast changes.
The actor had a couple empty bottle of booze, but didn't sound drunk - not sure if that is important, but I would have thought if he had drunk them, he would be a little slurry. His actions were drunk - just not his speech.
These are my thoughts - overall a strong short film, made me want to know more about his relationship - I would have loved to seen flashbacks of them together, when he was happy - and how much of a transformation has occurred.
Nice job on this film.
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The slow burn thriller is one of my favorite genres, so I was excited to see this pop into my assignment list. There are a lot of good things going on in this script and it could turn into something great someday. I'm going to jot my notes down as I had them...
1. Instead of "Girl" I'd say "Bikini Girl" or add some other adjective. Many people frown upon flat non descriptive...
The slow burn thriller is one of my favorite genres, so I was excited to see this pop into my assignment list. There are a lot of good things going on in this script and it could turn into something great someday. I'm going to jot my notes down as I had them...
1. Instead of "Girl" I'd say "Bikini Girl" or add some other adjective. Many people frown upon flat non descriptive names for supporting characters.
2. Page 2, I like Andre and Daniel and this isn't a bad scene per se, but nothing exciting is happening. Would it be possible to start with one of these fires, then go to the hot tub scene. Establishing the tone of your story early is important and I don't think these opening scenes establish the tone of your overall screenplay.
3. Page 4, Instead of "There is laughter coming from outside." I'd say "LAUGHTER echoes from outside." Screenplays read better when you limit "ing" verbs.
4. A lot of the direction is dictated to where the actors are looking and "meaningful" looks. I would cut back on that a tad as I think it is a bit overdone.
5. Page 6-7, "We've been friends since college. We've all been friends since college." try to find ways to show exposition rather than deliver it through dialogue. Lines like this are what every screenwriting book tells us not to do.
6. Page 9, I think the scene of Daniel and Rachel announcing their breakup is too long. You want to exit your scenes on the most dramatic moments and tell as much of the story through visuals. This scene was all dialogue and it stayed way past its most dramatic moment.
7. Page 11, "and then to Andre his best friend." you don't need to tell us he is Daniel's best friend in direction, SHOW US he is.
8. Page 14, I know you're saying Daniel and Rachel's marriage is in trouble. But what you are SHOWING us is a normal, communicative, functional couple. Other than saying they're dysfunctional, what is actually being done to show us they are dysfunctional?
9. Page 16, "Don't you remember how we first met?" "Of course, I'll never forget that day." This is another example of on-the-nose dialogue that exists to verbally deliver exposition. If the first time they met was really important, she wouldn't phrase the question like that.
10. Page 18, to me the inciting incident should be the couple getting to the swingers party. Most screenwriting experts say that should happen around page 12. I'd suggest having that happen by there.
11. The swinger party is a fun scene.
12. Page 24, "It's nice to meet you (both). How are you (both) finding this." There were a handful of places with redundant dialogue that didn't sound natural.
13. Page 28, There is good conflict amongst the couples but I would really like to see stakes added to the success of this night or maybe even a secret the audience knows but the character(s) don't know.
14. Page 34, It reveals character that Rachel slept with Julian but Daniel didn't sleep with Jo.
15. There are a lot of periods missed throughout and a handful of spelling mistakes.
16. Page 37, Rachel lying about sleeping with Julian was good and will come up later.
17. Page 38, "if anything had of happened." is an awkward way to phrase it.
18. I don't get why Daniel would be mad that Rachel had sex with Julian?
19. Page 42, Julian being interested in Rachel is a good story beat.
20. Page 43, I'm surprised Julian and Andre hadn't met at one of the swinger parties?
21. Page 45, Why does Julian have 2 consecutive blocks of dialogue with nothing interrupting them?
22. Page 47, Julian saying "Just something I'm going to have to attend to." makes me suspect he is doing the fires. (Having finished and knowing it was Daniel, what was he "attending to"? He has no friends and lives in a rental.)
23. Page 48, Kim saying "Me too" here seemed a bit awkward.
24. Page 53, Julian and Rachel continuing their escapade was good.
25. Page 55, I'd take the Lebron reference out as it will go over the heads of 50% of your audience and if he is playing somewhere other than Miami in a year or two it will make your script seem dated to someone reading it.
26. There are some bits of dialogue where you can use comtractions to make it sound more natural and less stilted. Ex..."She is holding back." can be "She's holding back."...which sounds more natural?
27. Page 59, Kim says "between you two" and "the two of you" in the same sentence.
28. Page 61, 61 pages in and we have not seen a fire which is a big part of the story. I mean the script is called Match, I'm just shocked we have had no visuals of a fire over halfway through. This far in and there is very little hint we are watching a thriller. I'd sprinkle in little bits earlier.
29. Page 64, Julian rapes Kim. Good, this is the first sign we have a thriller!
30. Page 66, Why does the doctor say "as you know"? Why would he know?
31. Page 69, try to end scenes on the most dramatic note. Also give the audience 2+2 and let them get to 4 on their own, rather than spoon feeding them 4. End this scene with the Cop asking "I need to know the person you were seeing." Rachel's reaction to that question is the most dramatic moment. The next page of dialogue KILLS the dramatic momentum. We the audience know who she was seeing so that info doesn't need to be repeated to us.
32. Page 72, you have a scene heading, then the only description after is "Andre is back with Daniel." then you have Rachel speaking. Don't forget to include her in the scene description.
33. Page 73, I kinda get why you have Andre not wanting to be friends with them anymore, but not really. Andre was the one who introduced them to the lifestyle in the first place and how could Rachel know that would happen to Kim? That just seems like manufactured conflict. Also, don't Daniel and Andre work together anyway?
34. Page 75, Kim dying was a shock and a good story beat in the All is Lost section.
35. Page 76, "You were Kim's best friend, Rach." That is another example of on the nose dialogue.
36. If Andre "can't be around them" anymore, why do we need several pages of back and forth dialogue to convey that? Why not SHOW he can't be around them anymore by having Andre avoid them and refusing to speak to them? It sends and a contradictory message when someone says "I can't be around you anymore." then spends the next several pages talking to them.
37. Page 80, "the police wont be able to stop him." Why? He doesn't seem any more dangerous than the people the police normally stop? It seems strange that every just accepts that statement and doesn't challenge it. It makes no sense to me in any remote way.
38. Page 82, Why don't they call the Police on Jo? Again, another thing that makes no sense to me.
39. Page 84, Why does Rachel not want the police or Daniel there? I don't understand what her plan is. If the police aren't "competent" enough to stop him, what special training does she have that the police don't? Also aren't the police looking for him anyway? What's the status of their investigation? Obviously they are coming up with nothing? I wish I new why they were doing such a poor job of tracking him.
40. Page 86, Julian stalking Rachel to the shop was a good scene.
41. Page 86-87, you have "begins to kiss" "begins to cry" and "begins to kiss" all within half a page. "Begins" and "Starts" are on the 7 Deadly Sins of screenwriting and those words are sprinkled throughout the script.
42. Page 87, I'm surprised Julian would take Rachel's word for it and in no way suspect that he is being set up. I'd certainly assume that. It may be me just not getting the mental disposition of Julian.
43. Page 88, I don't think you did a character introduction for John?
44. Page 89, Why does John need to give Daniel a long explanation of what "Spoilation" is? Daniel is an expert so he should already know right? That's like having your protag being an award winning author and having a side character explain what a prepositional phrase is. Why would he need the explanation if he is an expert already?
45. Page 90, "Honestly, I'm pretty sure everyone knew exactly who you were the moment you walked in." Hasn't Rachel only been to one of these parties? This line didn't make sense to me.
46. Page 92, I had no idea 50% of male swingers are rapists.
47. Page 93, So now several people are dead because no one called the cops and told them where they knew Julian would be. And Rachel's plan seems to be nothing more than to be captured and let Julian have his way with her? This is literally the worst plan I have ever scene in my life.
48. I don't think it's really established why Julian is so enfatuated with Rachel. He never explained what is so special about her that no other woman offered. He said "they felt something"...but what exactly was it that connected them? I don't think I ever really saw something tangible that was their connection.
49. I see the word "walk" a lot in your direction. Try to mix in other words so it doesn't become so monotone. Try amble, hurry, strut, stroll, shuffle, step, saunter, etc...
50. Page 97, I think you should have saved Jo's pregnancy reveal for here instead of giving it away earlier.
51. Page 100, I'm confused why Oliver was in her hospital room? Was it as a doctor or as a concerned friend? If it was as her doctor, then that is a huge coincidence. If it was as a friend, I thought they were nothing more than passing acquaintances who had spent no more the 4-5 minutes of their life talking? I feel that the setup for this relationship was razor thin.
52. Page 102, I'm not really sure what Daniel did to win Rachel back? Then again, I'm not really sure what he did to lose her in the first place, so I guess everything is as it should be.
53. Page 103, Daniel says "actually" in back to back sentences.
54. Be careful about character repeating the name of the person they are talking to in dialogue. I think it was done a little too often.
55. Page 105, Ok so Danny was the arsonist. Where was the setup? Did I miss it? I had no idea Andre even had the slightest suspicion of him at any moment previous to this. What did Danny do that would make Andre suspect him? I didn't see Danny do anything that would make Andre connect the dots of him being the arsonist.
56. Page 108, let the visuals convey the drama. We get what's going on and there is too much dialogue after we get the heart of the scene.
57. It ends with Rachel killing Daniel and a 4 page conversation with Oliver.
There are a lot of things to like here and with a little TLC this could potentially turn into a great screenplay in a genre that has a chance to sell on the spec market. Thanks for the fun read!
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Things I liked:
The story line - incorporating someone with mental illness, I think is a great twist within a normal mob story. You really sympathize with Danny. I've known people with BiPolar and the side effects of the meds are a real big part of their recovery and how they deal with their issues. I think the fact that he was so aware in the end of his problem, lead me...
Things I liked:
The story line - incorporating someone with mental illness, I think is a great twist within a normal mob story. You really sympathize with Danny. I've known people with BiPolar and the side effects of the meds are a real big part of their recovery and how they deal with their issues. I think the fact that he was so aware in the end of his problem, lead me to believe he was really on the path to recovery - which I like about the story, and how the ending plays out.
I thought the characters were nicely developed - you got a sense of the madness of the mob - although some parts unrealistic. I felt like it was a comic book- like it could be shot like Scott Pilgrim - or Watchmen style.
Things I noted:
Pg 2 - typo, you say dab blood "on" his suit, I think you meant "off" his suit.
Pg 18 - Inez dialog, suggestion - Don't make me regret this. Instead of Don't make me wish I didn't do this - It may flow a little better.
Pg 99 - When Danny is under the dock with Inez body - it was hard for me to visualize what that scene would look like - seemed a little corny with the hand grabbing his necklace twice.
Pg 100 - When Danny whirls the anchor over his head - it seemed like he all of a sudden got super hero strength. I mean knowing karate is one thing - but no one could swing an anchor overhead. I like how he said Anchors away though - a little comic relief.
Things I thought maybe need some work:
I think the dialog overall seems choppy, with more substance words needed. I kept imagining an actor saying the words, and would seem corny in many places.
Overall I thought it was a fun read, easy to follow, and interesting characters. It's definitely a unique story, never really seen or read anything quite like it - so well done. Great imagination.
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