Reviews
Hey, thanks for letting me review this. Interesting short film!
I loved all the work you obviously put into this -- lots of setups, a few locations. And I always love things shot in 'scope. Gives it that bigger-budget feel.
The acting was pretty good -- in fact, it ranged from good to very good. Your lead has a useful Statham-like quality good for genre parts like this....
Hey, thanks for letting me review this. Interesting short film!
I loved all the work you obviously put into this -- lots of setups, a few locations. And I always love things shot in 'scope. Gives it that bigger-budget feel.
The acting was pretty good -- in fact, it ranged from good to very good. Your lead has a useful Statham-like quality good for genre parts like this.
As far as acting goes I thought a bigger problem was your editing, which I see you did yourself. While generally OK and serviceable, you should definitely get a fresh pair of eyes on this from an experienced editor.
I'm thinking specifically of the conversation between the Girl and the Man, which falls into this very repetitive A/B cutting pattern, right on the dialog actually, which pro-editors try to break up. Also, at the start your protag is facing the water, then he's facing the old man very suddenly, which was a jarring transition.
Partly this is due to your shot selection being quite limited, to your detriment I think. I know time is a concern, but if you can't get more coverage, I would explore setups where you can include more action, or maybe some masters, or something.
For instance, in the big confrontation scene between the baddies and the Man, the coverage was so limited as to be claustrophobic, which can be a choice; but here it felt limited. I would work to at least establish some sense of geography in the car park, especially since those locales have such an cold, almost dangerous quality to them, especially in BW.
However one really good editing stroke by your part was the 'stacking' of the girl/Man sequence directly to the Man walking into the car park. Very efficient writing that, reminded me in a good way of "Drive."
I think the issue for me here is mainly a story one. Call me slow, but I'm not sure I got to the bottom of this one, and I rewatched the confrontation to be sure, but I still wasn't.
I get that the old man is leaving, and that everyone wants out, and the Man's dark past; but I wasn't sure what to make of the mooks' assertions that the Man was basically a hypocrite. My only interpretation is that the pendant is somehow so valuable that it 'buys' your way out of the estate somehow, like some sort of dystopian fiction.
It just didn't wash for me, probably because it wasn't clear enough.
There were also intimations toward the end that the old man was somehow hypocritical, which I liked, and of course the payoff of the girl having taken the pendant (which was cool and unexpected); but I was unclear as to why the Man favored the girl over the old man.
In other words, usually these things result in a discovery on the part of the protag, but here I wasn't sure what that was.
Again, the conflict between the mooks and the protagonist I didn't get (beyond the obvious pendant issue).
Finally, the staging was weird. The girl comes out (against her will?) but she's not even being held by anyone, so couldn't she just run for it? Then the actual fight sequence was a blot on an otherwise high standard of filmmaking. Sound design failed your here somewhat, as well as the believability that our protag would simply rush a guy holding a knife.
Thanks,
P
PS: ignore any breathless encomiums you get re: this, hold yourself to a high standard
read
Hi
Thanks for letting me review this -- some thoughts 'out of season'---
*) obviously the budget here is low, so it's forgivable that we see all sorts of modern city elements when it's supposed to be 1917 Vienna
*) The camerawork was commendable in the opening, showing nicely the details of the room
*) I'm not sure what your aims are in terms of final product, but there's...
Hi
Thanks for letting me review this -- some thoughts 'out of season'---
*) obviously the budget here is low, so it's forgivable that we see all sorts of modern city elements when it's supposed to be 1917 Vienna
*) The camerawork was commendable in the opening, showing nicely the details of the room
*) I'm not sure what your aims are in terms of final product, but there's no story here. Obviously, if you were just going for an impression, that's fine, but keep in mind that 2 and 1/2 minutes is plenty of time to build a story or at least rudimentary narrative elements (of which there were none here). I'm not even sure what kind of art this students makes, and the references to Nietzsche seem vague and unnecessary.
*) the music, while good at the start, was used too long -- mostly because like I felt the 'establishing' beat had passed, and we needed to move onto something else
But again, if you make a short without story, you're really only going to get a simple effect.
Thanks again for letting me review this, and best of luck with future work
PS
read
Overall, I chose to read this script because I wanted to read a light-hearted comedy. I wanted to laugh. And you didn’t let me down. So I thank you for that. Comedy is a subjective thing, and I’m sure many people wouldn’t necessarily agree with this humor, but I loved it. So thanks for that. However, I will say the logline/synopsis didn’t win me over. I’m not sure how you could...
Overall, I chose to read this script because I wanted to read a light-hearted comedy. I wanted to laugh. And you didn’t let me down. So I thank you for that. Comedy is a subjective thing, and I’m sure many people wouldn’t necessarily agree with this humor, but I loved it. So thanks for that. However, I will say the logline/synopsis didn’t win me over. I’m not sure how you could make it more interesting. Maybe focus more on the funny aspects, take out the bit about the cathedral. I just think it could be a hard sell to get the right person to read it.
There’s two important things required in a comedy. Make us laugh. Don’t bore us. You achieve both. The script has humor spread throughout, and it just flies by being mostly dialogue. I would consider fleshing out the ending though. As I point out in the notes below, I think you could make better use of the ending. The story builds up to it well. In the end it is a bit of a let down.
The second strength of this script is the structure. You have constant story development. First he dies. Then he gets the offer in heaven. He finds out George wants Barbara. The old men attack. Offer from Satan. Too often the amateur scripts go on without any actual story development. They mistake events for story. Yours is not only full of development, but it is well paced and in all the right places.
As for the characters. I did like Harvey. I felt I knew him early. I cared about him. But he didn’t really have any single characteristic that made him stand out. Made him truly memorable. I would consider introducing the back story about the issues with his father in the first act, while he’s still alive. As that is the big pay off at the end. The story begins with his issues with Barbara, they are sorted (kind of), but the ending is around his father. Which works, I just think it would work better if it was introduced as a big part of his life early on. The supporting cast do their role. They are funny. They grow as the film progresses. They seem like individuals, I feel I know them. Which is all good. Ultimately they probably fall into the same category of not being truly memorable. But that’s a tough ask.
The concept is possibly the weak link of the story. Like I said, I wasn’t sold by the logline. You have a good story, but what makes it stand out from the others? What makes it different, memorable? Not sure what you could do to improve it. Some sort of comedic irony in the initial setup maybe? Make Harvey is from a heavy metal band that became famous for being Satan worshipers? Something.
Anyway, here’s some detailed notes I took while reading. I usually end up with three times this many notes. That’s a good sign. I just flew through this one. There were very few if any errors:
- Title page: Not sure how well the different font title will go down with the pros. Also needs another line break between ‘by’ and your name.
- I like the sense of humour used on the first page. Sets the tone, makes it clear this is a comedy. However, I think you could dramatize the first paragraph. Why not say she lays on the floor (don’t mention she’s dead), say she’s attractive, even with no make-up and her hair not done… and a gaping hole in her chest! That’s the payoff for the shot. Save it for last.
-Page 10 update: While I thought the first two sequences (at K-Mart and at work) were well enough written, and they flowed well, they could probably both be cut back a touch. If possible find a nice beat to sum up the scene and end it there. Yours tend to just wander off. Also, the supporting cast seem very over-the-top. I don’t like them, don’t understand them. However, I totally feel like I’m getting to know and care about Harvey. So that’s the main thing you need to do in those pages. Well done.
- P48: Pages are just flying by. Very funny. Mostly dialogue. Not sure if there’s enough story development so far. Time will tell. I like the complication that George has fallen for Barbara. Great conflict set up there.
- P53: It seems really odd that Alicia would interrupt George while he was working on the plans to tell him he’ll help with Barbara. Why interrupt? That’s the behavior he’s trying to encourage. Rather, have her clearly work out that he only works when in his love mode. Have him work on the plans, but it fades, his hand stops drawing. No normal encouragement can get him to continue, that’s when she agrees to help him with Barbara. It should be a big decision. Show it so.
- I can’t tell if Shane is an asshole or a genius. Brilliant dialogue.
- P71: You use the word ‘rushes’ 4 times in 5 sentences. Mix it up. Also, the old men were off screen for so much of the story, I’m not sure how well their reintroduction will work.
- P83: “…a Frogger game with unlimited lives.” – Love it!
- I really liked the payoff with Rooster being his father. That was well done. But I’m just not sure about how things were tied up with Barbara and George. Not to mention we never find out anything about the cathedral. Leaves a few loose ends. And while him shooting himself and not regenerating is funny, I don’t know if it’s the right time for humor. I really feel you could use that to milk the emotional climax of the story. The structure is all there, it’s just that big last beat that doesn’t pay-off all the brilliant work up until then. At 99 pages there’s room to do a little more. Also, the big decision, burn the plans or not - kind of happens off screen. I think you could dramatize that better. That's what the entire movie is building to. Make it a difficult decision. Show he likes the way hell is, but would rather see Barbara happy.
So to sum up. I liked the read. It made me laugh. It didn’t bore me. It was professional. My advice to take it to the next step is to try to maximize the concept. Make it stand out. Make it memorable. And work on the fine details of the characters. Also making them memorable. If possible, try to work some set piece scenes. Most of you locations (heaven aside) were boring. Coffee shops, restaurants, people’s homes. That’s good if you want to make it cheap. But at this stage you want to make it stand out. Set piece sequences don’t just happen in action movies. Most of your favorite comedies probably have them. Use them to spice up the already good story.
Best of luck, Paul.
read
This was a very well written script. I enjoyed your vocabulary and the way you painted the story with words. That made the read a breeze. I will just jot my notes down as I had them...
1. I like the idea of opening with a POV chase, but doing it in a "Slow Motion Montage" seems off for a chase. Also, I'm not sure when the Montage was supposed to end.
2. Page 2, "camera" should...
This was a very well written script. I enjoyed your vocabulary and the way you painted the story with words. That made the read a breeze. I will just jot my notes down as I had them...
1. I like the idea of opening with a POV chase, but doing it in a "Slow Motion Montage" seems off for a chase. Also, I'm not sure when the Montage was supposed to end.
2. Page 2, "camera" should be in ALL CAPS. If it's lower case that means it's a camera we can see onscreen.
3. Your character descriptions are pretty entertaining.
4. Page 5, Maggie's dialogue has been fun.
5. Page 9, Nate had a funny answer to the Minister's about the spider. I'd have loved to see them have some more back and forth after that.
6. I appreciate how short and concise your direction has been.
7. Page 10, The dirty talk was funny.
8. Page 13, Your writing style is excellent, but it just feels like our characters have been hanging around for several pages. I'd cut some of the opening that's non-essential and get into your story sooner.
9. Page 16, your prose is a pleasure to read.
10. Page 17, Maggie's job is funny, I was laughing imagining the visuals.
11. Page 19, drinking the ice cream was silly.
12. Page 20, smashing some guys guitar is certainly punk. For me it was kinda like a reverse "Save the Cat" moment and he lost some sympathy with me.
13. With your dialogue and style there is definitely an audience that would enjoy this.
14. Page 25, Kb with the zip-tie bag was a good way to introduce your bad guy.
15. Page 26, Seems odd Maggie would forget Nate's pills considering how dangerous he is.
16. Page 27, I feel like Maggie finding the flyer is the inciting incident.
17. Page 30, It might play better if Nate or Maggie were skeptical of Jonas to start.
18. Page 34, "Don't always have numbing agents but we lucked out today thanks to a donation." Haha that's encouraging.
19. Page 40, OMG Nate killed Gary?.....lol ok Jonas was just kidding.
20. Page 44, Jonas suddenly loses his mind and gets hit by a car? This part is my biggest complaint, this scene felt like it was serving the plot rather than organically happening.
21. Page 47, Interesting, now Nate becomes the driller.
22. Page 50, KB returns. He is shaping up to be a good villain. I wish you had a little scene with him between the first one and now.
23. Page 51, I like that you gave KB and Maggie a backstory together.
24. Page 53-54, Aghhh a 24 line block of dialogue=/
25. Page 60, The action lines are good in Nate's place getting busted.
26. Page 65, people talking on tv should have (V.O.)
27. Page 67, Nate deciding to drill the Ministers is good.
28. Page 71, I think you are having KB do too many television interviews. I'd mix it up a bit more.
29. Page 83, Maggie whipping KB was good.
30. Page 87, Nate seeing Maggie whip KB added conflict. I felt some of the conflict after that felt a bit forced.
31. Page 94, Nate drove Maggie to KB. Didn't see that coming.
32. Page 97, KB doesn't seem much worse than Nate at this point.
33. Page 100, Maggie in bed with KB is a very climatic moment.
34. Page 102, Now Nate's cheating!
35. Page 105, the action sequences are pretty smooth.
36. Nate dies and has a last moment with Maggie.
This was a very well written script with great descriptions and dialogue. Thanks for a fun read!
read
I liked this a lot, but I'd have liked it more with a few adjustments, firstly the formatting was poor, lines were too close, so better spacing would help. You also kept jumping from the third person to the first which made your story hard to follow at times. But to be fair you do have writing talent. This was a good idea and if you hadn't rushed at the ending would have worked...
I liked this a lot, but I'd have liked it more with a few adjustments, firstly the formatting was poor, lines were too close, so better spacing would help. You also kept jumping from the third person to the first which made your story hard to follow at times. But to be fair you do have writing talent. This was a good idea and if you hadn't rushed at the ending would have worked better. A rewrite would improve this no end. Good luck with your future work.
read
I really enjoyed reading this short. The voice is matter-of-fact, sardonic, and humorous. I didn't really sympathize with the main character but wanted to keep learning more him, I am interested in his life. I think the concept is brilliant and ripe to dig deeper. The relationship between Old Mr. Jones and our hero, I want more of that!
I think in the latter 3rd of the...
I really enjoyed reading this short. The voice is matter-of-fact, sardonic, and humorous. I didn't really sympathize with the main character but wanted to keep learning more him, I am interested in his life. I think the concept is brilliant and ripe to dig deeper. The relationship between Old Mr. Jones and our hero, I want more of that!
I think in the latter 3rd of the story some of the description fell off, felt rushed, or not thought through as much as in the first two acts.
I felt the ending was lackluster in comparison to the potential the author set up throughout the story. It sort of dwindled in a few buttoned up sentences at the end.
All and all a lovely read with loads of potential. A great working draft.
read
I thought I'd get my daily MarcTwine review out of the way early today, this is actually the best of your numerous stories that I've reviewed. It reads clearly and tells a historical story with a real nice narrative purpose. I loved the tenuous link with the French revolution to the American Civil War. That's what all good writers should do, find a story that's feasible and...
I thought I'd get my daily MarcTwine review out of the way early today, this is actually the best of your numerous stories that I've reviewed. It reads clearly and tells a historical story with a real nice narrative purpose. I loved the tenuous link with the French revolution to the American Civil War. That's what all good writers should do, find a story that's feasible and then work magic. Great story full of your usual minor faults ( not a lot of dialogue and use of very different type ect, ) which only add to your ability to tell a good old fashioned tale.
read
First I want to tell you your style of writing is good. It was a clean and easy read. Other than that I really couldn't get in to this story. The first thing that jump out for me was the actions of characters sometimes just didn't work. Wolf in prison was a guy that wasn't scared of anything but after the car crash he was scared of passing lights. After a good couple of days...
First I want to tell you your style of writing is good. It was a clean and easy read. Other than that I really couldn't get in to this story. The first thing that jump out for me was the actions of characters sometimes just didn't work. Wolf in prison was a guy that wasn't scared of anything but after the car crash he was scared of passing lights. After a good couple of days of raping Dixie had the attitude of a girl that just got home from a bad date. Stuff like that just got me thinking while reading which to me isn't a good thing. But the biggest problem I had with this story is I didn't know if I should pull for Wolf and Dixie. Wolf's back-story didn't give me a reason to pull for him and their love story wasn't strong of enough.
read
As you know I got a chance to read this some time ago. I said it was a great story then and I still think that now. So, with that being said this go around I could focus on smaller details and offer some mere impressions.
Temple is a great character. Except Clint Eastwood’s character ‘In the Line of Fire’, the Secret Service guys are typically portrayed as these monoliths...
As you know I got a chance to read this some time ago. I said it was a great story then and I still think that now. So, with that being said this go around I could focus on smaller details and offer some mere impressions.
Temple is a great character. Except Clint Eastwood’s character ‘In the Line of Fire’, the Secret Service guys are typically portrayed as these monoliths in sunglasses. Like teachers when we were kids – it was unimaginable that they had actual lives beyond their vocation. You introduce him as the lead security guy on the detail then juxtapose that with his wife and father in the park, where he takes some ribbing for actually believing in the guy he’s protecting. You might get some heat for breaking that convention of impersonal Secret Service guys, but this works very well.
As always, your writing is efficient. Nothing is wasted as each scene establishes, develops, moves, drives, or a combination of those things. A great example is how you introduce the dynamic between Temple, Caldwell, and Banding. In fact, I’ll urge you to take one particular moment a little further. Temple’s wisecrack of ‘set up a playdate’, while it works, can be dialed up a notch to show the trust and respect Caldwell/Temple have in each other. What I mean by that is think of something more controversial or even insubordinate for Temple to say with the same reaction from Caldwell. It would really drive home the point that these two men could actually be friends rather than the guard/charge relationship.
Kenneth? You need a better first name for your perfect candidate.
Speaking of which. I can’t say enough how richly you show him handling crowds, being the poster-boy President-Elect. You do this more than once yet it never feels tedious.
Mayweather’s character feels underdone. I say this because he shows up 8 days before the election in his ‘attempt’ to thwart Caldwell’s goals of winning the presidency. If he’s so committed to this quest, then where’s he been through the whole campaign season? Granted, a quick slip of dialogue where it’s revealed that he’s followed Caldwell throughout the country and Seattle is where Temple finally takes notice. Still, it seems late in the game. You can still set the story earlier in the campaign and as Temple recovers, layer in the rest of Caldwell’s campaign/victory. Frankly, the timing of Mayweather’s emergence doesn’t factor much into the story. Granted, the urgency is implied a little, but it’s not necessary.
So, Mayweather shows up and all these demons are summoned for Caldwell, Banding, and Fisher. His silence throughout is an excellent choice, in my opinion, and when he finally does speak in the end his near-babbling is a painful glimpse into the torment this guy has been living for all those years. In the flashbacks is when you reveal his character some. Enough to get the impression that he followed orders not knowing it would make him a National Security target when got back home. He becomes a torch-for-hire, but it’s unclear who is hiring him. The two other black soldiers are depicted as players within the Black Power Movement, but nothing indicates that’s the direction Mayweather went. So who was he working for? How did the gov’t track him down? He and Jesus were obviously living off the grid. These are questions I was able to ask after reading this a second time. I recall this lack of clarity troubling me the first time as well.
The resolution, for me, is the weakest (or least strong) aspect to the story. As compelling a ride this story was and as ultimately satisfying the ‘inevitability’ of the ending was, I think you’re asking your audience to take a serious leap of faith to believe that Temple and Mayweather can appear in the Oval Office. It needs to be done, but how to do it?
Well, perhaps Caldwell can invite Temple/Mayweather somewhere for them to meet. Since Caldwell proves to be the murderous prick behind the slayings of those young soldiers, but claims he was following orders and throughout the script he’s shown to be wracked with regret and grief over these actions. He doesn’t want any more part of it. But then he sets Temple up in an effort to silence everyone involved. Temple survives/recovers and you have your moment of confrontation at Caldwell’s invitation. The guy’s a politician -- they can’t stand the idea of somebody not liking them. I can see him making one last appeal to Temple in order to justify his actions. He even offers Temple a cushy job somewhere to smooth things over. Temple may or may not accept (it’s up to you) but when he leaves the room, Mayweather is gone.
OR
Rework that scene with the bomb so that Mayweather saves the unconscious Temple the same way Jesus did for him in that fire. A great payoff. Both are presumed dead and well… you can have a lot of fun with that.
It’s really all I got. I can’t state enough how well this is written. It’s an important story. Since we are a nation that seems to be constantly at war, it’s relevant. Plus, there’s a lot of unsettled/unfinished business we as a nation need to address concerning the dark times of the 60’s both on foreign and domestic fronts. Plus, the added hook of a Secret Service guy who doubts his charge is compelling enough as it is. I even suggest you bring that aspect out more in the conversation between Temple and Lindsey – his ‘joy’ in protecting someone worthy of the position. It’s a story worth being told.
I doubt much of this is useful, but that’s mostly your fault. Can’t fix what ain’t broken.
read
Your description of the ‘Cheshire Cheese” invited me into your story. Indeed, I desired to pull up a stool and have a pint or twenty. Shortly after imagining being there, I laughed at the locals calling it the Cheese and wondered if I might ever wander into such a place: My answer was, “Yes!”
I loved the brevity of your words that brilliantly encapsulated Tom’s view on life:...
Your description of the ‘Cheshire Cheese” invited me into your story. Indeed, I desired to pull up a stool and have a pint or twenty. Shortly after imagining being there, I laughed at the locals calling it the Cheese and wondered if I might ever wander into such a place: My answer was, “Yes!”
I loved the brevity of your words that brilliantly encapsulated Tom’s view on life: “Tom had often remarked that anyone could hold a rifle, but it took skill and experience to mine coal.”
Conversely, while this sentence after reading it a couple of times made sense felt like a mouthful that perhaps needed commas and a bit of tightening: “His whole attention this Sunday lunchtime was regretfully fully absorbed in listening to the loud dark featured man who was the centre of attention in the middle of the cigarette smoke filled bar.”
Reginald Oswald Colin Kevin Yeats was a great name that sung with his nickname “Rocky.” Very cool.
Some here on the site bark at comments about punctuation but I plead their importance for clarity: “No, Tom just hated the fact that Rocky was what they call in Yorkshire a ‘Black Dog’ which means a person who if you tell him that you have a black dog. Will immediately tell you he has an even blacker one at home.” Did you really mean to put a period after dog and before will? I shrug. Yes, I did understand what you were conveying but suffered a moment of, “Huh?”
Ditto for: “…had stood for twenty years. Rocky had immediately informed everyone stood at the bar…” Again, I “got it” but was momentarily pulled out of your story.
Loved your description of Mollie being, “just the wrong side of forty.”
Brilliant writing that drew me further into your story and put a smile on my face: “You swim? I don’t believe it! You’d drown in thirty seconds. You have to keep your mouth shut when you’re swimming. And that’s impossible for a blowhard like you!”…The public bar fell silent. Tom gulped when he recognized the voice that had spoken. It was his own.”
I absolutely refuse to spoil you amazing twist and ending in this review.
After the gauntlet was thrown down for the race across the river, your pace quickened and the smile on my face became broader.
As if I were watching a movie, your words allowed me to visualize the entire scenario at the race. I humbly thank you for the read. Best, Montana Malone
read
The first thing that struck me in this story is how well writer Michael Leath captures the sense of isolation and personal detachment experienced by celebrities. A unique type of loneliness. Images from the film Lost in Translation came to mind.
As "A Final Gift From Uncle John" opens, Devlin Farris, a well-known Hollywood actor is in the confined surroundings of a flight...
The first thing that struck me in this story is how well writer Michael Leath captures the sense of isolation and personal detachment experienced by celebrities. A unique type of loneliness. Images from the film Lost in Translation came to mind.
As "A Final Gift From Uncle John" opens, Devlin Farris, a well-known Hollywood actor is in the confined surroundings of a flight to east Texas from his home in LA.His Uncle John has passed away and Devlin needs to make an appearance at the funeral. Details regarding people's facial expressions, slight changes in the tone of their voices, and a strong need for self-protection are always looping through Devlin's thought process. The subtle things he must always be aware of in an attempt to protect his limited privacy seem spot-on.
Devlin arrives with a certain amount of dread at the prospect of reuniting with his rural relatives and they initially fit the stereotypes he'd been expecting. Then, events occur that bring to mind a pivotal moment in his life...a conversation with his Uncle John. In remembering it, Devlin is struck by how critical his uncle's unwavering belief in him had been at a time when his self-confidence was at a low point. A humanizing change alters Devlin.
This was a well-written story with stand-out characters and a touching sweetness woven in and out of the story arc. Wonderful dialogue, both interior and aloud. Completely enjoyable read!
read
GGGM was a cute story, something that could make a good kids movie...or animated movie. It read well, the flow was good and the conflict built up gradually without overwhelming you. Other than some grammatical and/or typos, I liked GGGM. It does show the shortfalls of spell check, reinforcing the need to physically read and edit. I cringed when I read the name Erkel as the...
GGGM was a cute story, something that could make a good kids movie...or animated movie. It read well, the flow was good and the conflict built up gradually without overwhelming you. Other than some grammatical and/or typos, I liked GGGM. It does show the shortfalls of spell check, reinforcing the need to physically read and edit. I cringed when I read the name Erkel as the geeky nerd, the name has become almost a cliche since the television show aired and the character Erkel became well known.
Here are some of the mistakes I noticed:
Page 5 - I assume a kiss would be lip to lip, no need for the specifics, just say kiss.
Page 11 - a)Startled from daze....just say startled.
b)Dr. ABRAMS - should be all capitols the first time
c)used, not uses (Goldcastle dialogue)
Page 14 - a)whacks, not wacks
b)The 2nd paragraph where Yuuki tries to decide sounds odd. Maybe
"Yuuki tries to decide whether to share his umbrella with Becca."
c)past, not pass (2nd paragraph)
Page 17 - "wreaths his mouth" sounds odd. Try a different word.
Page 19 - "only holding a small box" - lose only, not needed.
Page 23 - I don't think "caps" should be plural (montage)
Page 27 - a)nowhere, not no where
b)supposed, not suppose
Page 34 - past, not pass (dog races pass)
Page 44 - breathes, not breaths
Page 55 - depressed, not depress
Page 60 - scrumble....doesn't fit
Page 62 - Last sentence has either too many commas or just doesn't make sense.
Page 64 - Last paragraph doesn't sound right. What part of the falls is he at?
All waterfalls have creeks or rivers after them. How do you show an ear
catching something. Clarify, just say he hears the sound.
Page 66 - a pair of shorts then (or and)....not than
Page 77 - slime, not slim covered people
Page 79 - seen him these past few days...not pass
Page 80 - Calm, not clam
Page 81 - steering, not stirring wheel
Page 85 - wear despair....are they showing despair or is it something they have on?
Page 93 - here, not hear
Page 95 - egg him on, not edge
Page 98 - a)rises from behind, not rise
b)overrode, not override
Page 101 - a)are these trailers or boxcars/train cars?
b)over here, not hear
Page 103 - notices the speedometer, not "notice the speed barometer" a barometer
measures barometric pressure, not speed.
Page 104 - bubbles, not bobbles
Page 119 - one hundred thousand grand...a grand is a thousand. Do you mean $100,000 or
one hundred million (one hundred thousand times a thousand).
These are just some of the mistakes I caught on first reading, there may be more. There are also several places throughout the script where there are too many spaces between lines. This is usually caused by reformatting.
All in all, GGGM was a fairly enjoyable yarn. I think this would pique some interest with certain companies once the errors have been corrected. Well done!
read
The film introduced us to Santa’s Blog.
Santa is preparing for Christmas and toy delivery but a war has sprung up because of the Mayan Calendar events.
The film quality was adequate for the project with no blur or out of focus shots. Good.
Camera work was good with scenes set so the actor was always in focus and in good lighting, Excellent.
Sound: Excellent Volume throughout...
The film introduced us to Santa’s Blog.
Santa is preparing for Christmas and toy delivery but a war has sprung up because of the Mayan Calendar events.
The film quality was adequate for the project with no blur or out of focus shots. Good.
Camera work was good with scenes set so the actor was always in focus and in good lighting, Excellent.
Sound: Excellent Volume throughout and across cuts. There was no drop in sound quality when the actor moved or turned away. Excellent.
The film was obviously low/no budget production and as such was excellent. The storyline is complete and continuous with no gaps or lapses. If picked up by a bigger budget project it could be an excellent short film. Good job.
read
The story is about a mom who’s son finds a package and she has to shoot the owner because he came back for it.
II hate a story that is written for the punch line and nothing else. Trying not to ruin the story for others = this is a police story written by somebody who doesn’t know anything about police procedures except what he watches on TV. Do the research first then write...
The story is about a mom who’s son finds a package and she has to shoot the owner because he came back for it.
II hate a story that is written for the punch line and nothing else. Trying not to ruin the story for others = this is a police story written by somebody who doesn’t know anything about police procedures except what he watches on TV. Do the research first then write the story.
The spell checker was used and sentence and paragraph structure was maintained. The story has a beginning middle and an end and a twist at the end to give closure. I didn’t like the beginning where the pace was slow and there was nothing to get the reader into the story. Perhaps if mommy looked out of the window for sunny and saw the package he dropped it would jump-start the story. Just saying!
The writing style is plain and unadorned and dialogue was spotty. More description at every turn is usually better and characters need a past a present and a future. One-dimensional characters should be outlawed. Great writers always fill in the gaps when we are introduced to a new character.
IE: the pockmarked face with the bushy mustache I had seen before in the barrio in the company of drug dealers. I had heard he is the lieutenant and has plans to take over the drug business in our area.
Did I like the story? No.
There were too many wrong things. Police officers don’t keep packages of drugs even if it makes it so they can shoot people. Internal affairs has a lot to say about officers keeping drugs.
Police officers don’t set up people to shoot them. Police officers don’t, in the presence of other officers, call in shots fired and people down before the shots are fired. If they do murder charges are not far behind.
I thought the author did a good job setting up the story and while the style was a little plain it is a very readable story.
read
I have mixed feelings about this script. I liked the characters, especially the dynamic between Frank, Agnes and George King. I did care about what happened to these people. But I had a hard time seeing this story on the screen.
Structurally, this felt more like an outline for a novel rather than a film. By that I mean it felt like the highlights of a larger, more detailed...
I have mixed feelings about this script. I liked the characters, especially the dynamic between Frank, Agnes and George King. I did care about what happened to these people. But I had a hard time seeing this story on the screen.
Structurally, this felt more like an outline for a novel rather than a film. By that I mean it felt like the highlights of a larger, more detailed story. A lot of your description contained character internals instead of physical actions that revealed character. The time jumps were a bit jarring, especially when Agnes went from nearly mute to highly communicative after arriving at Georgetown. There were some key moments, like Frank killing Cybil, the revelation that his mother was dead and his budding relationship with Claire, that seemed to just come and go without repercussions or consequence. As a result, the script felt episodic and lacked cohesion. Again, these are elements that can be fleshed out in a novel, but on film they hurt the pacing.
I never really understood George's decline. At first, with the arrival of Robert Smalls, he seemed to be fulfilling his dream of a new society. Then, just as quickly, he fell apart, opening the door for a rebellion by the settlers. It just felt too broad and sketchy, like an idea that hadn't been fully plotted out. Similarly, I found the ending less than satisfying. The story didn't so much end as just stop. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to take away from the final image of Frank and Agnes huddling under the wagon against the sandstorm. It was almost like a cliffhanger.
You're very good at creating an atmospheric world and the people who populate it, but what they do within the confines of that world is less clear. But I do see potential for something fascinating. It's just not there yet. Good luck.
read
