Reviews
Travis travels to Morocco and Tangier for a holiday.
The spell checker was used and the story flowed from end to end. There was a beginning, middle and an end with no pauses or lapses along the way.The one complaint I have is That Steve didn't give much to complain about. Very well done story.
The writing style is fairly rich which I like and flows well Several times Travis...
Travis travels to Morocco and Tangier for a holiday.
The spell checker was used and the story flowed from end to end. There was a beginning, middle and an end with no pauses or lapses along the way.The one complaint I have is That Steve didn't give much to complain about. Very well done story.
The writing style is fairly rich which I like and flows well Several times Travis sees the sunset and admires it. I would have been more comfortable if he had ignored the sunset or gotten mushy and more descriptive of it. (More is usually better).
Characters were wonderfully described with a full three dimensional treatment which made the story very enjoyable.
Did I like it? This is the third Travis tale I have reviewed and it is the best. The flow and character development is advanced and well done. Very good job!
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I read too much
Synopsis: a loner has a story too (to) tell.....
Is a story by an author who should read more? The writing is terrible and improper English abounds. I feel the author is trying to express himself as an uncultured person and is trying to convey that to the reader. Improper English and colloquialisms are fine in dialogue but not within the body of the story...
I read too much
Synopsis: a loner has a story too (to) tell.....
Is a story by an author who should read more? The writing is terrible and improper English abounds. I feel the author is trying to express himself as an uncultured person and is trying to convey that to the reader. Improper English and colloquialisms are fine in dialogue but not within the body of the story. Have the main character tell his story to somebody else (Think Forrest Gump) then crude talk is acceptable because dialogue is what the person is actually saying. If they are thinking they only think in proper English.
We can blame only so much on the character so I will give my impressions, which I am, sure are incomplete…
IE: P1..the first three sentences up to “waste of space..” should be one. Then start the next sentence after Space.
P1.. Years ago, (no comma) and…. , but the hose..(no comma before but.)
P2…(It) was good for a while..
But I messed (it) up…
P2..you ever seen that film ( have you seen the film)
Its real good…I worked real hard
Too many real’s used to describe actions. Change the word forms so as not to repeat.
I also met my wife on the trip she’s Japanese-American.
This is a major character being introduced and she gets a bad treatment.
IE: I met my wife name who is Japanese-American (from someplace with a past a present and a future). It only takes a sentence to properly introduce a character.
That Salinger can write some (improper if not in dialogue otherwise proper English.
John Lennon = come now we haven’t established a Lennon murderer personality here. This is a reach.
Did I like it? No.
The story as written is rude and crude. The intent of the author isn’t clear and things that could be said to the prison psychiatrist after the fact in dialogue is improper in an open story. This is a reach by the author and he overreached. A suitable rewrite should fix it.
Taking a course in English is slow and not always possible. I suggest a pamphlet size book for writers, which skim over the junk and only give an adult what they need. Many of the obscure rules are laid out in an easy to use format.
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Farmers Fury and Kings Folly
Is a story about a farmer trying to protect what was his from the ravages of an outlaw gang who weren’t guilty?
The English is tilted and has a genuine English countryside flavor. I enjoyed the change of pace but found that it isn’t only the language that is different but the basic assumptions. Some of the understoods weren’t. I didn’t understand...
Farmers Fury and Kings Folly
Is a story about a farmer trying to protect what was his from the ravages of an outlaw gang who weren’t guilty?
The English is tilted and has a genuine English countryside flavor. I enjoyed the change of pace but found that it isn’t only the language that is different but the basic assumptions. Some of the understoods weren’t. I didn’t understand why a farmer had to wait for a wolf to cross his fence line before he could shoot it, yet he could go into the woods after it?
Spell checker was used but a few things fell through the cracks.
IE: P4. My prize winning (rooster) did not do (his) ….
P5. “I raised my sword….” This seeming quote wasn’t cited and if original should still should have given credit to the author even if the cite is” unknown.”
Story line: a story should have a beginning, middle and an end this one had them all. The thread that told the story was straight and true but very sparse in details that let the reader follow closely.
Characters: An attempt was made to make the characters three-dimensional but they only had a past and a present not a future. (The gang wanted nothing more than to laze about doing nothing for the rest of their lives.) The farmer had no future either.
Dialogue is more than characters shouting at each other. Dialogue moves the story and reveals different aspects of the story and characters. The author needs to look at his dialogue with this in mind and the story should blossom.
Did I like it? Ho-Hum.
It didn’t have a hook to draw the reader in and the story dwelled too much on beating up people just because. It would have been better with a little more attention to detail and special attention to the gang that only harassed him when he passed the apple tree on his way home from the market.
If they were under the apple tree why was it necessary to defend the farm from them. They are obviously the villains but not very villainous.
Why was the farmer punished for defending his farm?
Questions that probably are self answering to a Brit farmer but not to a boy from across the pond.
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It was a good story. I liked the saying at the end and it almost seems as though the entire story could have been written for that quote. I admire that style of writing myself.
Or it could have been a true story from your past which makes it even more intriguing to me. It was an honest story of a boy who honestly wanted to keep something his, his and truly beat the crap out...
It was a good story. I liked the saying at the end and it almost seems as though the entire story could have been written for that quote. I admire that style of writing myself.
Or it could have been a true story from your past which makes it even more intriguing to me. It was an honest story of a boy who honestly wanted to keep something his, his and truly beat the crap out of some kids he thought wanted to harm something of his. Like Batman! Who doesn't want to be Batman?
Anyhow, good characters they were all different int their own right as is with most gangs and cliques.
Dialougue was easy to follow and the structure seemed to flow at a steady pace.
Maybe more detail? More description on how the bullies looked after you pumbled them? Or the feeling of your prize Gallus (i just looked that up) being taken from you?
Otherwise, good story.
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Writermorris tricks the reader with an event that many readers have experienced in the bars of the world. Two men brag, and then resolve the "braggadotia" with a bet and a contest: who can swim a river fastest.
The reviewer won't tell the reader who won: that's the story that will make you smile, and be careful of the next bet you make in a bar.
Good writing: "greased black...
Writermorris tricks the reader with an event that many readers have experienced in the bars of the world. Two men brag, and then resolve the "braggadotia" with a bet and a contest: who can swim a river fastest.
The reviewer won't tell the reader who won: that's the story that will make you smile, and be careful of the next bet you make in a bar.
Good writing: "greased black hair and flashing good looks...wrong side of 40...it was his own."
Sloppy writing/editing: p.3 In, it, dog.will..."everyone stood" (could be a local expression)...one of pub's regulars...were stood behind." Movie title is underlined & dated. google it.
The writer describes the Prot/Cath, occupations, waitresses, et al that we all know.
The miner reminds the reviewer of Ponty Pool, the viscious Welsh rugby club that toured the U.S. in his time. #13 would pull hair and punch when the referee wasn't watching...so the U.S. ruggers enforced the rules of the game themselves. M
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The story is about a wager for a swimming race made in an English pub. Tom won….
The story has a quaint English pub quality that the author captured wonderfully. Tom is the wise old miner and Rocky is the loudmouth who has to top every story no matter who or what is being told. The distinct qualities of both men are brought to life and very well done.
The author has a tendency...
The story is about a wager for a swimming race made in an English pub. Tom won….
The story has a quaint English pub quality that the author captured wonderfully. Tom is the wise old miner and Rocky is the loudmouth who has to top every story no matter who or what is being told. The distinct qualities of both men are brought to life and very well done.
The author has a tendency to develop his characters wonderfully in two dimensions. Characters should have three. A proper character has a past a present and a future most of the main characters have a delightful past and well-done present but no future. Tom is given a future glimpse in the final paragraph.
The writing is well done and descriptive which I like. A story is much more enjoyable if it is rich.
What did I like?
The easy but rich descriptions of the pub-goers and the details of the story were excellent
What Didn’t I like? Not much.
As a reviewer I have to point out a few problems but they didn’t detract from the story they just need to be cleaned up.
P1. “..Working man’s drinking den.”
The apostrophe indicates that “this man’ has a drinking pub. The story indicated Tom didn’t own the pub so it should be mens…
P5. Albert Preston who…who…
The word who was used repetitively and one of them should be changed.
P5. Who were stood behind…
Incorrect English. If this was in dialogue it would pass but in the open it must be proper English.
IE: Who stood behind…
Who were behind…
I sympathize with this problem being from the Deep South I have an accent that goes beyond word inflection but extends to a dialectic choice of words. The author probably talks like this in everyday life and while it is quaint it is also incorrect. The hardest thing for me to proofread in my own work is this type of error. It sounds right! Maybe a proofreading by somebody else will help catch this type of problem.( Believe me when I say my problem is worse than yours.)
Art: Did I like the story? Yes.
I include art as a criteria because some stories are poorly written or stilted etc but as a whole are very readable or perfect English trash. This story is very good and the author can take pride in his presentation. Very well done!
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As a short story, this worked well for me. The introduction was a bit morose and over eager, but I knew it was trying to plunge the reader into the horrors of the Civil War. I would prefer a simpler text for the average reader, especially considering the setting. This story seemed so familiar in its portrayal of the human character (good and bad) that I knew exactly where this...
As a short story, this worked well for me. The introduction was a bit morose and over eager, but I knew it was trying to plunge the reader into the horrors of the Civil War. I would prefer a simpler text for the average reader, especially considering the setting. This story seemed so familiar in its portrayal of the human character (good and bad) that I knew exactly where this was going. (I’ve lived North, South, and Deep South, like Tennessee.) I admit that I cannot read a story without anticipating the ending. However, I would not have had it end any other way. I’m glad for this assignment as it contains many key elements so overlooked by many works. Thanks for your many labors.
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Phew it's hot out there. Your descriptive writing was that good that I actually felt the heat out there in the desert ( Although I'm in England where it's about 50 degrees today with wind and rain ) I also loved the little touches of the soon to be informed 'widow' towelling her hair and the well observed picture of the children's bikes on the lawn. Although you built this...
Phew it's hot out there. Your descriptive writing was that good that I actually felt the heat out there in the desert ( Although I'm in England where it's about 50 degrees today with wind and rain ) I also loved the little touches of the soon to be informed 'widow' towelling her hair and the well observed picture of the children's bikes on the lawn. Although you built this up to a climax you left us just be fore the final word. This was a polished piece of writing well crafted and very readable. Well done.
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I'm starting to look forward to my bi-weekly does of Travis and his travels, starngely enough I was in Tangiers last year and it's changed very little from when this story was written, apart from the millions of satellite dishes that abound in the Arab world. You have really hit your stride with Travis now, your first stories read a little to like a travel guide, but now you've...
I'm starting to look forward to my bi-weekly does of Travis and his travels, starngely enough I was in Tangiers last year and it's changed very little from when this story was written, apart from the millions of satellite dishes that abound in the Arab world. You have really hit your stride with Travis now, your first stories read a little to like a travel guide, but now you've focused on who he meets they are much better reading. I'd like to see him arrested a little more. ( I always was! ) but I'm a Yorkshireman with a big mouth and an opinion on most things, perhaps Travis is just more polite. Great tales, keep them coming.
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I enjoyed this story. Your descriptive writing is really rather good, I appreciated the way you used the vehicle of the fight to tell the story, although I personally have done too much fighting in my time and know the truth is that you have to concentrate 100% and you certainly don't have time to think about your life! However you're a writer and allowed artistic license...
I enjoyed this story. Your descriptive writing is really rather good, I appreciated the way you used the vehicle of the fight to tell the story, although I personally have done too much fighting in my time and know the truth is that you have to concentrate 100% and you certainly don't have time to think about your life! However you're a writer and allowed artistic license. Stories with little or no dialogue need to be very well written to work well and this was one such tale. The only thing I'd have a small issue with is the ending which was a little vague for me. But, good story. well written.
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This story had very fine prose, almost a poem. Here a ten year old boy struggled with the death of his Uncle George. What did it mean? The parents could self medicate themselves with alcohol, but the kids, what solace could they find? Not much to brunt the pain except to play outside in the snow or go for a walk around the neighborhood. The little indian boy in the clouds...
This story had very fine prose, almost a poem. Here a ten year old boy struggled with the death of his Uncle George. What did it mean? The parents could self medicate themselves with alcohol, but the kids, what solace could they find? Not much to brunt the pain except to play outside in the snow or go for a walk around the neighborhood. The little indian boy in the clouds was a great touch and it gave the main character comfort. By the way, I remember my brothers and I giving each other Indian sunburns by grabbing each other's forarms and razzing the hairs of the flesh. Hadn't heard that term in years.
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This seemed to me to be more of a technical paper then a story. But I agree that prayer and meditation are just as important then medicine and science (I'm sort of a student of Hinduism and Buddhism). As someone once said, 'prayer is talking to God and meditation is listening to God.' This could be expanded a bit for the positive effects of belief of a higher power and how...
This seemed to me to be more of a technical paper then a story. But I agree that prayer and meditation are just as important then medicine and science (I'm sort of a student of Hinduism and Buddhism). As someone once said, 'prayer is talking to God and meditation is listening to God.' This could be expanded a bit for the positive effects of belief of a higher power and how it has a soothing and healing benefit.
I would like to read some of your other short stories that I saw on your profile page. They look interesting. Maybe someday they will be assigned to me.
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This was a good story about Helen, who had felt smothered in her marriage to Bernard and thus had a brief affair. I like the descriptions used in some of the scenes. I felt, though, that Bernard's hospital stay, I assume it was Bernard who was in the hospitial, and not Helen, needs to be clarified. If Bernard was dying that should be expanded upon with more detail, and Helen's...
This was a good story about Helen, who had felt smothered in her marriage to Bernard and thus had a brief affair. I like the descriptions used in some of the scenes. I felt, though, that Bernard's hospital stay, I assume it was Bernard who was in the hospitial, and not Helen, needs to be clarified. If Bernard was dying that should be expanded upon with more detail, and Helen's grief should be made more clear. It would understandably be a bittersweet situation, here Bernard who had smothered her was dying, and thus setting her free, in a sense. If that is the case, you should play it out some more.
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It's serendipitous when you're in the mood to read something in a specific genre and one of your assignments matches. Even better is when the story is a well-written, vibrant example of that genre.
"Gin, With a Twist" had me from the first sentence.The environment of a bar full of secrets and strangers was described wonderfully...we all know a place like that or we've visited...
It's serendipitous when you're in the mood to read something in a specific genre and one of your assignments matches. Even better is when the story is a well-written, vibrant example of that genre.
"Gin, With a Twist" had me from the first sentence.The environment of a bar full of secrets and strangers was described wonderfully...we all know a place like that or we've visited it in our imaginations, where someone similar to Humphrey Bogart sits in the shadows. As the story unfolds, we see things from the other side of the bar, through the eyes of Bender, the bartender. Seasoned and a little cynical, at first he thinks he has his newest customer, Kitt, pegged. Once Kitt opens up, Bender realizes he had it wrong. As a tribute to Michael Leath's writing, I was as drawn into Kitt's story as Bender was...hanging on each word, every sentence, feeling like the story couldn't reveal itself fast enough.
But, I'm glad for the slow-building, satisfying suspense. It allows for rich character development. The dialogue was sharp and natural. The story arc a strong and classic noir tale with, as the title foreshadows, a twist. It's difficult to pull off a good noir story without it seeming like a parody and kudos to Michael for executing it with panache. Brilliant decision to make the exchange of declarations of love between Kitt and Della the inciting incident that one knows won't end well. And great, sudden twist to the story that's sprung at the very end. Really, nothing to criticize nor to suggest as an improvement. I did notice a typo on page 13 ("So what's out play?" instead of "So what's our play?"), the most minor of errors and easy to correct.
Highly recommended.
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It feels a bit empty, meaning I know that this is a corner of a larger canvas, and I want to be able to read it in it's entirety. I feel that it stands on it's own, but knowing that there is more, makes me want the extra, and leaves it feeling incomplete. I hope that in someway, that makes sense.
I think that on it's own it is a nice piece. Enough information is conveyed to...
It feels a bit empty, meaning I know that this is a corner of a larger canvas, and I want to be able to read it in it's entirety. I feel that it stands on it's own, but knowing that there is more, makes me want the extra, and leaves it feeling incomplete. I hope that in someway, that makes sense.
I think that on it's own it is a nice piece. Enough information is conveyed to where you are able to have an understanding of this world and be there with him. The added element of fantasy works very well, it isn't a forced centerpiece, or an over written mess, it just is. I like that. I enjoy reading/watching something that doesn't force itself upon you, it just is.
I thought the dialogue was adequate, if not forcibly within the world. The dedication to the time frame, which includes the narrators own opinions, is nice and easy to follow but somehow clunky. I'm not sure if it is the fact that we speak differently in today's world, or if the rhythms are somehow off.
I hope my opinion, wrong or right, is what is expected of all of us. This is my first review, please understand if I have somehow offended. Thank you, I enjoyed it.
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