Reviews
Yikes -- good twist at the end! I'm a sucker for twists so you got me hook, line and sinker.
Would have liked Alois to have made some attempt to be with his wife for the birth. It seems strange that he doesn't consider that. The pace of the story felt quite languid (good), which gave me the impression that he wouldn't have been missed too much if he decided to take the afternoon...
Yikes -- good twist at the end! I'm a sucker for twists so you got me hook, line and sinker.
Would have liked Alois to have made some attempt to be with his wife for the birth. It seems strange that he doesn't consider that. The pace of the story felt quite languid (good), which gave me the impression that he wouldn't have been missed too much if he decided to take the afternoon off to be with his wife.
"little to fat." too
"luxuriant whiskers put on his hat" - comma
A good swift read with a nice sense of location.
"bridge which forded the river Inn" -- the use of "forded" threw me for a bit as I wasn't sure what it meant. I sensed it meant a standard bridge over a river until I looked it up in a dictionary "cross (a river or stream) at a shallow place." Not sure how many readers will grasp "forded" but for thickos like me, I'd prefer it explained a bit.
Very enjoyable read...and nice and ominous conclusion. I look forward to reading more of your stories.
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Absolutely loved "We’ll make some good bucks here." Am still chuckling at that one. Also, a nice comedy twist at the end also.
The paragraph containing the descriptions of the men could be shortened literally to just one snapshot line for each. They were quite nice descriptions but I think this story deserves to get going quicker...as it almost read like a comedy sketch to...
Absolutely loved "We’ll make some good bucks here." Am still chuckling at that one. Also, a nice comedy twist at the end also.
The paragraph containing the descriptions of the men could be shortened literally to just one snapshot line for each. They were quite nice descriptions but I think this story deserves to get going quicker...as it almost read like a comedy sketch to me, and I think it works strongest if thought of in that way rather than a typical short story...so by that measure the setup and get-go need to be quick.
Without whizzing events along, sketch-style, I would find myself starting to question how the American would be so naive as to think he could develop all this protected land.
There's a new movie called Sightseers you might enjoy, if you haven't already seen it. It's available on Amazon.
Dialogue and characters were great. Also liked "This is bloody Yorkshire, not Aspen."
Thanks for the read, and best of luck.
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Great location setup and really smooth, easy-on-the-eye writing. You gave a real sense of a community pulling together which I loved.
"she was determined to find out why." -- I get that the cut to the flashback "Jamie Thatch was such a sweet boy" is Rebecca in the present, after Jamie's been locked-up, looking back on his life and what led him to do what he did. However, I...
Great location setup and really smooth, easy-on-the-eye writing. You gave a real sense of a community pulling together which I loved.
"she was determined to find out why." -- I get that the cut to the flashback "Jamie Thatch was such a sweet boy" is Rebecca in the present, after Jamie's been locked-up, looking back on his life and what led him to do what he did. However, I sort of forgot about Rebecca halfway through the story (my short attention span possibly!) -- I think a brief (Forrest Gump-esque) couple of cuts back to her could remind the reader (me!) that this is still her telling the story…and then of course you could return to her account of Jamie's life and Shelli's emergency as they are.
Very enjoyable story. Thanks for the read, and best of luck.
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For the most part, “Gin, With a Twist” flows rather well. Some bumps along the way—In particular, as it’s being told from the present tense through Bender and the past with Kitt. As we learn the back-story that leads up to Kitt’s death. It reads like a film Noir of the very best kind, in its heyday of the 40s and 50s. There was just enough uniqueness to make your story stand...
For the most part, “Gin, With a Twist” flows rather well. Some bumps along the way—In particular, as it’s being told from the present tense through Bender and the past with Kitt. As we learn the back-story that leads up to Kitt’s death. It reads like a film Noir of the very best kind, in its heyday of the 40s and 50s. There was just enough uniqueness to make your story stand out but not by much.
Nevertheless. I did enjoy very much what I’ve read; however, some conversations were lost on me. Maybe it’s because of an extra or misspelled word here and there. I suspect the writer is from Europe, could be another reason. Furthermore, you did do a good job linking the period of the time and the dialogue. In general, your sentences packed colorful descriptions when they weren’t overly long. There were some. On the whole, vividly told. As I read, I could see it unfolding in my mind’s eye as if I was there to witness it as it happened. You’re a good storyteller and I wish you the best of luck.
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Well, this clinches it. I definitely don't relate to British "humour" or humor or whatever. Comes from living across the pond/centuries, I guess.
Nicely written little tale, though. Good descriptions, good visualizations.
I like 1st person narratives. They can be tricky to implement effectively. Well done in this case, IMO.
Really, though, the "bus" and the devil sorta lost...
Well, this clinches it. I definitely don't relate to British "humour" or humor or whatever. Comes from living across the pond/centuries, I guess.
Nicely written little tale, though. Good descriptions, good visualizations.
I like 1st person narratives. They can be tricky to implement effectively. Well done in this case, IMO.
Really, though, the "bus" and the devil sorta lost me.
Maybe I need to go for a ride. On a double-decker. In London. In the Spring.
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This was a cool story, confidently written, that got pretty epic in scale the more it developed.
I would have liked the assassins to be introduced earlier, a couple of failed attempts to get him, him moving from location to location, hard to track down…how much will he get away with before they finally catch them, if they ever catch him?
I think you could lose the paragraph...
This was a cool story, confidently written, that got pretty epic in scale the more it developed.
I would have liked the assassins to be introduced earlier, a couple of failed attempts to get him, him moving from location to location, hard to track down…how much will he get away with before they finally catch them, if they ever catch him?
I think you could lose the paragraph "Melissa couldn’t understand him…And she was gone." since I already got the sense the relationship was over due to his computer-love in the previous paragraph.
Jason was a bit of a cold child prodigy. However, I'd like to see him have something else in his life |(a pet?!) that he always has time for…something that he would miss should he get whacked. This could also bring out some humanity in him, and be a nice contradiction in his character. Then, as he passes away, what is truly foremost in his mind? The computer code or the thing he loves dearly?
I really loved this scene as it was both epic and scary: "But on Thanksgiving Day, it began to shut down. One by one, centers across the country began to fail...Boston’s Logan airport, Atlanta Regional Center.....Dallas/Fort Worth.....Chicago...Denver. Radar arrays and transponders went dark. Air traffic was brought to halt, all flights grounded."
Like I said, the writing here was confident, and the story is an enjoyable ride. My only gripes are Jason's 'invincible' nature until the very end, and his coldness (100% devoted toward the dice/computer). For me personally, both of these aspects could be tweaked and improved and would make for a better read.
Thanks for the read. Very best of luck!
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The premise of the story is good; a failed marriage where there was genuine love anyway. That works for me. My problem is with some of the writing. I hate to harp on a cliche, but showing is better than telling. Example one; rather than telling me the trainer is dashing, show me with rolling eyes, someone else s POV of his face, etc. Also, two examples of edits that might...
The premise of the story is good; a failed marriage where there was genuine love anyway. That works for me. My problem is with some of the writing. I hate to harp on a cliche, but showing is better than telling. Example one; rather than telling me the trainer is dashing, show me with rolling eyes, someone else s POV of his face, etc. Also, two examples of edits that might make the flow a little easier. The author wrote "...read the card with narrowing eyes..." That's a tell. Show me. "She narrowed her eyes and read the card." Another ..."with wide eyes..." could be "widened her eyes" The sentiments are excellent, but the way it is written does not draw me into the story.
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The Trilord is obsessed with time travel and buys a new time ship. Then only 23 pages later he cranks it for a test-drive….
The writing is alternately detailed and plain with stilted use of the long words to try to impress. It would come over better if it were toned down a bit and only long words the author was sure of were used instead of cramming some in awkwardly.
The...
The Trilord is obsessed with time travel and buys a new time ship. Then only 23 pages later he cranks it for a test-drive….
The writing is alternately detailed and plain with stilted use of the long words to try to impress. It would come over better if it were toned down a bit and only long words the author was sure of were used instead of cramming some in awkwardly.
The story is in serious need of both proof reading and spell checker. There are numerous errors in spelling and syntax and effort should be made on the rewrite to try to even out the writing style so that the entire story is rich and detailed.
I am not an English teacher and I give examples of problems. The author needs to do his own proof-work and pick up the similar errors scattered heavily through the story.
P1..Too many Horatios, Horatio is used repeatedly until we don’t want any more Horatio…
P1….40 in old earth years. Horatio has…
Change to ..40 in old earth years, with…
P1…Horatio was examing his (examined)
P2… “..we had a small glitch…”
Salesmen don’t bring up negatives when trying to make a sale. It would have been better if Horatio or Napoleon had brought up the glitch in conversation
P6… after just admonishing somebody about reading history we get this….”stone looted form the Whitehouse…” (paraphrased) The Whitehouse is a wooden structure.
P7…Paragraph break after…not one woman. Use a paragraph break whenever there is a change of subject.
P12…Licences (licenses) Use spell checkers to avoid embarrassing oopses.
P23… Napoleon is sat next to
n Napoleon sat next to
P24 Horatio and Napoleon share dialogue in the same paragraph. There should only be one speaking in each paragraph. When a different speaker speaks give them their space
Horatio shouted. “Napoleon,”
“Yes.” Napoleon fumed
“Come here I need you.” = identifying the speaker each and every time is debated but probably a very good idea.
There are numerous errors throughout the story and a judicious proofreading should pick them up. The story is good and inventive with a little skill and polish it can be good.
Did I like the story? Yes.
There is creativity and an attempt to include richness and humor. These are good things to have in a story but it comes off awkward at times because of too much use of marginal words from the dictionary. As a rule if the reading of a passage is difficult it should be a red flag to possibly edit and smooth out. There are a lot of rough patches.
I didn’t get all of the errors, that is the job of the proofreader. After I accumulated quite a few I deliberately attempted to read and enjoy the story and only listed jarring problems.
What was good about the story? There was a solid storyline that was straight and continuous without deviations, pauses or lapses. There is a conscientious attempt to make a rich reading experience and have characters that are three-dimensional. This is a good start! The problems while serious are cosmetic and easily fixed. I look forward to the rewrite.
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I liked this a lot. Short stories should be short and this one certainly justifies the title. I also liked the concept, you took something that frustrates all mankind and ran with it beautifully. The essay style was more than justified in this story. You can't have dialogue with a bunch of wires unless you want a really weird horror story, such as the wires strangling you!...
I liked this a lot. Short stories should be short and this one certainly justifies the title. I also liked the concept, you took something that frustrates all mankind and ran with it beautifully. The essay style was more than justified in this story. You can't have dialogue with a bunch of wires unless you want a really weird horror story, such as the wires strangling you! Your descriptive writing was also very good, short and to the point, but not forgetting the reader needs to see the story through your writing. God short. High marks for this one.
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One of the mistakes a lot of writers on Trigger Street make is to go for the 'BIG' idea or a out of the blue twist to impress and awe other writers, but others like yourself take the other more subtle approach and tell a realistic story with no bombast or trumpets, just good old fashioned story telling done deceptively well. I liked this a lot, I could taste those eggs, and...
One of the mistakes a lot of writers on Trigger Street make is to go for the 'BIG' idea or a out of the blue twist to impress and awe other writers, but others like yourself take the other more subtle approach and tell a realistic story with no bombast or trumpets, just good old fashioned story telling done deceptively well. I liked this a lot, I could taste those eggs, and you built a wonderfully detailed picture of one boys life. The concept was good, very well written and executed and all the better for showing that sometimes 'Less is better' - Great well told story.
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I'd gone nearly three days without reviewing one of your stories. I knew it was too good to last. ( Joke ) All that said, this is by far, for me, your best story. Fact and fiction skilfully interwoven to create a well crafted backdrop to tell your story about craps which rattled along at a great pace and ended with a very satisfactory finish. Them Mossad guys don't mess about...
I'd gone nearly three days without reviewing one of your stories. I knew it was too good to last. ( Joke ) All that said, this is by far, for me, your best story. Fact and fiction skilfully interwoven to create a well crafted backdrop to tell your story about craps which rattled along at a great pace and ended with a very satisfactory finish. Them Mossad guys don't mess about. Terrific read, with the small things I always moan about in your writing, formatting etc, but you can certainly tell a tale, and that's the purpose of writing. Well done.
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Nice slick writing and good dialogue that I could clearly imagine being said.
The smugness of the narrator from start to finish was fun. I saw faint flashes of 'The Dude' from The Big Lebowski in my mind as I read -- just this laid back guy in an environment which seems alien to him, who hardly ever gets ruffled.
I could get a real sense of John getting very wound up, and...
Nice slick writing and good dialogue that I could clearly imagine being said.
The smugness of the narrator from start to finish was fun. I saw faint flashes of 'The Dude' from The Big Lebowski in my mind as I read -- just this laid back guy in an environment which seems alien to him, who hardly ever gets ruffled.
I could get a real sense of John getting very wound up, and his cockiness also.
The twist was interesting and certainly turned the story on its head.
The "smarter than a smart phone" line seemed a bit out of character for John (with all his big talk about financial buffetings and cost related sidings). It was a fun quirky line, but just didn't ring true with John for me.
I kept imagining an alternative version of this story at play -- same characters and setting, except where someone has discovered the narrator's secret (maybe the kidnappers he mentioned). Getting to see him under real strain/pressure could reveal the humanity in him better I think than him telling us about his wife, kids and charity work.
Nice read! Thanks, and good luck.
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The writing is clean and clear. The action (visiting red light district in Amsterdamn, smoking hashish, visiting Rembrant self portraits) is light and easy to read.
The story reminds the reviewer, and thousands of readers, what it was like hitchhiking through Europe in the 1960s. Some of the French may have been critical about Vietnam, but they lined up for John Wayne movies...
The writing is clean and clear. The action (visiting red light district in Amsterdamn, smoking hashish, visiting Rembrant self portraits) is light and easy to read.
The story reminds the reviewer, and thousands of readers, what it was like hitchhiking through Europe in the 1960s. Some of the French may have been critical about Vietnam, but they lined up for John Wayne movies. They appreciate our work on D Day.
Good writing: "pay a girlfriend in heartache," "...leave it to an Englishman to piss off a whore."
Errata: p.2 around," p.3 legend." p.5 art." p.8The post office, than?then p.12 the/than. Please have TS assign me the next chapters. footnote, Youth Hostels have moved from $1.25 to $20/nite. Still an excellent deal, and the companionship is great.
M
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I am generally not given to ebullient praise. In this case I am compelled to do so.
Without question it is the best piece I've been privileged to review so far.
From concept to execution it was flawless (and gives ME a nice model to emulate).
For some reason, echoes of "The Picture of Dorian Gray" kept reverberating...
I particularly enjoyed the duel of the literati ---...
I am generally not given to ebullient praise. In this case I am compelled to do so.
Without question it is the best piece I've been privileged to review so far.
From concept to execution it was flawless (and gives ME a nice model to emulate).
For some reason, echoes of "The Picture of Dorian Gray" kept reverberating...
I particularly enjoyed the duel of the literati --- the assonance & alliteration lent a nice poetic nuance to the work.
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This was exactly my kind of short story. In fact this is a lesson for all those writers out there who think that horror and gore can make a story interesting. Sometimes it's good to read a writer who has thought about the story and strives to make it interesting. I'm known to be fairly good a 'Twist' endings, but I never spotted this one coming because of the great care you...
This was exactly my kind of short story. In fact this is a lesson for all those writers out there who think that horror and gore can make a story interesting. Sometimes it's good to read a writer who has thought about the story and strives to make it interesting. I'm known to be fairly good a 'Twist' endings, but I never spotted this one coming because of the great care you took to disguise your intent until the last paragraph. I also loved your sharply observed dialogue and descriptive writing. A First class job of writing. Well done.
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