• by shastina456 on 11/07/2014
    The title did not fit this story to me. This was a psychotic tale. Why would Sheriff Judd so easily help his deranged brother? I did not like how the story dragged with minor details. " My words bounced in her small round ears, " on page one, sounded corny to me. I would have liked to know more about Sheriff Judd and his brother's relationship. It was a twisty tale, but it... read
  • A review of DORMANCY
    by micheleraedejean on 11/05/2014
    There is potentially decent story here done in by bad writing. This says it is a treatment for a screenplay but even those must be written correctly. You should find yourself a friend who can edit your work for you because the bad grammar, spelling, etc, make this nearly unreadable. This reminds me of when I use the google translator on my computer for translating foreign languages... read
  • A review of Junk Food
    by Tony Letford on 11/04/2014
    The story can be summarised thus. A no hoper is caught breaking into a store and is captured and chopped up in a meat processing factory. End of story This is "Sweeney Todd" without the wit and rich language of the original. The characters are all cliché and really have no depth and the author hasn't proof read carefully. eg top of page three the Sherriff says "We gotta... read
  • A review of Sam, Roscoe & Her
    by micheleraedejean on 11/04/2014
    This had some potential but it was dragged down by too many mundane details and an ending that wasn't satisfying. Having two first names doesn’t seem like a very big deal especially not when those names were Sam George. The only people I know with ritual compulsions are OCD and it has nothing to do with social awkwardness. I spend weekends home all day frequently and I know... read
  • A review of When I Woke
    by Cab Coola on 11/04/2014
    This story, while short, packed a punch. (SPOILERS) This was a very good, tragic tale. It began with John waking from his slumber with his beautiful wife by his side. As they cuddle in the room, they're interrupted by their rambunctious baby girl. They share a moment together like so many mornings before, enjoying their life with one another until... the realization hits John... read
  • A review of When I Woke
    by James Moriarty on 11/04/2014
    McLoughlin has thrown us a fast ball. But that is the way it happens in life. The writer has a told us a story of a California car crash. SUDDENLY. But that is the way it is. Readers should use this story to warn them: earthquakes occur and destroy the road in front of them = California motorcycle cop drives into abyss when the road in front of him disappears (Washpost frontpage)... read
  • by micheleraedejean on 11/02/2014
    Since this has 68 reviews I don’t know if I can add anything new but here goes. You are a good writer but I found this story odd and wondered if it I missed something. I always remembered pagers as making a buzzing noise and not a noise like a screaming bird, that was probably too big of a clue told early on. Maybe it should just say the pager buzzed loudly. The story had an... read
  • A review of Casey's Last Meal
    by shastina456 on 11/01/2014
    The ending was okay, but I wanted to know where Casey was going to next. You really carried on too long with the topic of defecation too much. That was annoying to me. On page two, the word, " Kabang, " would have came across as more exciting if it was written as, " KABANG! " A word like that should really reach out and grab the reader. It just did not seem that much was going... read
  • by theauthor on 10/30/2014
    This is an unusual piece, more suspense than mystery or action. The past tense aspect weakens the suspense. Try to keep it all in the moment. There are no chapter headings in a short story and all paragraphs must be indented. I think a little bit of dialogue would help to keep the boy from being an instrument that moves the story forweard. Give him some depth, some desperation... read
  • by cmcloughlin1218 on 10/28/2014
    I've read a couple of your stories here on trigger street and for the most part they are geared towards the topic of the American government. This piece is not a short story it is an essay. I'm not sure if that is against the rules or not but they seem to be pretty flexible here. The concept is much better than other works you've posted, as is the delivery. It reminds me a... read
  • A review of Settling
    by cmcloughlin1218 on 10/27/2014
    I couldn't wrap my head around this story. By no means is it bad, I just couldn't get into it. I actually don't know if this qualifies as a romance. It seems like they only half loved each other. As a matter of fact it seems like Anthea is incapable of love. She had a selfish nature. Her character in my humble opinion, although realistic, was not a good person. Leon was out... read
  • A review of Settling
    by theauthor on 10/27/2014
    This was a fairly simple story with lots of British expressions. Some of these do not read well across the pond here. They are fine in dialogue, but a bit out of place in narration. The dialogue needs more purpose, more focus. What are the main points you are trying to get across to the reader? Why are the characters feeling? As to grammar, almost all of your paragraphs are... read
  • A review of Casey's Last Meal
    by telliott on 10/27/2014
    Another story set in the Wild West. Another story by this author that captures the essence of what it was to live, love, and – in Casey’s point - possibly die back then. Has the author thought of publishing a collection of short stories set in the West? His writing voice is ripe for such a collection. Western stories were highly popular in the 50s and 60s, due to television... read
  • A review of The Wrong Day
    by micheleraedejean on 10/27/2014
    Everyone has had one of these days. I usually find it takes laughter to break the chain of negativity. I was a little disappointed in the ending, it was nice that he got out his frustration by punching the robber and it fixed his neck but it would have been nicer if a few hundred bucks ended up falling out in Bruce’s car! I felt like the ending was kind of mild for so many... read
  • A review of Jam Drops
    by theauthor on 10/27/2014
    This was a pleasant little story. The ending was lacking. But at least I was interested in knowing the final outcome. The story is a bit unfocused in the beginning and so the storyline meanders a bit too much. There were some odd phrases mixed in with some beautiful poetic ones. The father and husband seemed a bit cast to the side. I think his role should be expanded. This... read
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