"No one ever went broke in Hollywood underestimating the intelligence of the public."

- Elsa Maxwell


  • A review of Quentin Quits
    by williamf129 on 08/24/2014
    I don't know why you chose to submit the screenplay excerpt as a short story. It is not a short story, by definition. It is an attenuated screenplay, so I will review it as such. But first, the overture. There is a saying in Hollywood: Nobody reads. It means that studio execs, producers, directors, agents, and even stars do not read scripts. Even if you are 'connected', the... read
  • A review of SS Winston
    by danielmgee3281 on 08/23/2014
    Spell check and an editor can make an ok story a great story. Pg 2 "How much they ask for?" Pg 8 "Boots wants to hear all about your rescue, want ya go tell him." There are a few more farther on. Plus the use of ten dollar words right off only says your trying too hard. Remember a newspaper is written for those of an 8th grade education and those barely get read. Know your... read
  • A review of Thief In The Night
    by danielmgee3281 on 08/23/2014
    I enjoyed your opening and setup. I was unaware of where you were going with the story and you kept me guessing. I don't know if maybe it would have served you better to give the background a little later or not but It still worked. I enjoyed getting to know the family and I enjoyed the main characters relationship build and pay off was great. I loved the concept and enjoyed... read
  • by american dan on 08/23/2014
    I'm surprised that this screenplay had any idea for intrigue. But, I found it easy to read. Exposition could use a bit of a tweak. I'd like to read something that fascinates the story. Like are we to be reading a story about Gods? Or are they intergalactic beings? It doesn't make any sense that they're ordinary people who metaphorically altered by super natural resources... read
  • by williamf129 on 08/23/2014
    Buried somewhere in this horror of muddled language and jumble of scattered and unorganized ideas is a pretty good story. But to tell it, you need to learn how to write, literally. Writing is not merely stringing a bunch of words together - certainly not when the words are often meaningless in their context - and the strings of words are rarely intelligible sentences. Creative... read
  • A review of SHE'S GONE
    by micheleraedejean on 08/23/2014
    This is supposed to be a meditation on love and loss but it seems more like some very light thoughts on the subject. The author tells us about how he doesn’t understand why this woman he loves leaves him and just comes back to have sex with him but there is no plot here. Saying every woman should have a LBD (little black dress) is very cliché, it has been a wardrobe necessity... read
  • A review of Sensible Shoes
    by williamf129 on 08/23/2014
    You are making me work. It is so much easier to critique crap than quality writing. This is so good, on so many levels, that I hardly know where to begin. You write with such skill and confidence that you don't need some puff piece review. So, allow me to nit pick. I was not drawn into your story by your opening with the rather enigmatic introspection on the tribe tethering... read
  • by williamf129 on 08/23/2014
    Let's begin here: you have selected a shop-worn concept for your story. Feeding human flesh to unsuspecting others has been so over-done (no pun intended), that if you are going to revisit it, you had better bring some new meat to the table. You did not. That said, let's look at the writing. At a minimum, a writer must bring craftsmanship to the party - if not masterful craftsmanship,... read
  • by williamf129 on 08/22/2014
    First, congratulations on a piece well written; one exhibiting a a grasp of the King's English (I am surprised and disappointed that this is so often not the case with the TS postings). You made me know this family, its dynamic, and much about each of its members. You have done an excellent job of establish Robbie's world (I felt like I was there). The prose is simple (in the... read
  • A review of Monsters In The House
    by linusonline on 08/22/2014
    I liked the concept. The subject matter is dark and interesting. I don't know if this is a story just yet. Everything feels a little more abstract. I wanted to know more about the husband and mother and why they do what they do. Does Susan try to stop what is going on? I think on the surface you have a great idea to work with. With a little more character development and action,... read
  • by Cab Coola on 08/22/2014
    This story was about a lonely man working his last days on earth. The planet is dying and soon there will be no one left. But he doesn't worry too much. Being recently divorced and losing his kids, I felt like he didn't really have much motivation to live and even if he did, there was no escape for him. I enjoyed this story very much. And I like the opening; the one sentence... read
  • A review of Misawa, Japan
    by cmcloughlin1218 on 08/22/2014
    The good news is I didn't see any structural errors and for the most part grammar and spelling were alright. What I did have an issue with is that there was very little action and entertainment. It's a cute story. It could even be a true story, but it's not something I would be interested in reading. Show the fight between the raunchy sailors and the Japanesese couple. Show... read
  • A review of Twelve Twelve Twelve
    by cmcloughlin1218 on 08/22/2014
    This may be the most intense story I have ever read on Trigger Street. In fact this may be the most intense short story I have ever read period. The way that you explain Julia's fear is fantastic. It's creepy. It's real. I would never want to be in a situation where I would be tortured or worse yet, killed, but if I was this might be how I would handle the world. She had a... read
  • A review of FICTION
    by cmcloughlin1218 on 08/22/2014
    The way that you set up your stories and the way that your characters go about their routines is the backbone of your work. You paint a beautiful picture, and then you add a certain degree of disdain for the world and cynical anger for the character's station in life. The one thing that I missed from this story was plot. You had the imagery. You had the characters. The plot... read
  • A review of Happyland
    by williamf129 on 08/22/2014
    Well, kind sir (I hope you are kind, because your 'screenwriting' is dreadfully cruel), thou hast bitten off more than thou canst chew. Really? Billy Shakespeare AND Monty Python. I will admit, it is a delightful idea, but a daunting task even in the hands of a master. So, since you submitted this as a screenplay excerpt, rather than as a short story, I will review it as such... read
  • Prev 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Next