TriggerStreet

"I dream for a living."

- Steven Spielberg

Reviews

No end in sight

A review of The Jewelry Box

by MarcTwine on 06/06/2013

... ummm ... must be the screen-writers's curse. OK, on to the subject. Ya got major formatting issues. Needs a "guidelines" redo. At its conclusion, I felt as though you, the screenwriter, had told me to: "stay tuned" for the next episode. (As a viewer, I don't like that BTW). An' I gotta say: it's BROOCH, not BROACH !! Having said all that, ya MIGHT have something worth... ... ummm ... must be the screen-writers's curse.

OK, on to the subject.

Ya got major formatting issues. Needs a "guidelines" redo.

At its conclusion, I felt as though you, the screenwriter, had told me to: "stay tuned" for the next episode. (As a viewer, I don't like that BTW).

An' I gotta say: it's BROOCH, not BROACH !!

Having said all that, ya MIGHT have something worth developing, but it needs a LOTTA work.

Bon Chance. read

A refreshing take.

A review of Thicker Than Water

by 69882000 on 06/06/2013

I thoroughly enjoyed the story from beginning to end. A refreshing take on what I really thought was going to Be a standard mafia/caper type story ( nothing wrong with that) It ended on a very sweet note with jacob attempting to help his dad. I coulda sworn they'd kidnapped him to. More road to perdition than goodfellas. The writing Was straight to the point making... I thoroughly enjoyed the story from beginning to end.

A refreshing take on what I really thought was going to
Be a standard mafia/caper type story ( nothing wrong
with that) It ended on a very sweet note with jacob
attempting to help his dad. I coulda sworn they'd kidnapped
him to. More road to perdition than goodfellas. The writing
Was straight to the point making it a whole lot easier t
o read. Great work. read

Those little rascals!

A review of Thicker Than Water

by nick74 on 06/06/2013

Good job! This story has a lot of heart. It's well-told and your characterization is spot on, often times divulging these characters through strong dialog. There were moments of delight, and moments of heart-pounding tension. It builds well from scene to scene, but also within the scenes themselves, each movement building to a climax but never revealing too much of the outcome... Good job! This story has a lot of heart. It's well-told and your characterization is spot on, often times divulging these characters through strong dialog. There were moments of delight, and moments of heart-pounding tension. It builds well from scene to scene, but also within the scenes themselves, each movement building to a climax but never revealing too much of the outcome --- a great way to keep a reader turning pages.

The "dream" element is by far the strongest aspect of Thicker Than Water, allowing the reader to explored themselves as much as the people in the story, thereby turning the situation you paint inward. That shows concept, the cornerstone of creative writing. It's the stuff classics are made of.

Critically, there were times when I had to take a mental double take at what happens inside the plot. For instance, I didn't feel like enough "story time" had elapsed for Jacob to run all the way home, then run all the way back to the diner, and once this was revealed I had to extend my disbelief. It's a strong way to express the message of the story, but with some noodling, it could work a little better.

Also, and this is a nit-pick, I didn't think cops were allowed to street beat without a badge, in fact within the fraternity of constables, this is a HUGE no no. In other words, no badge, no shift. And perhaps the partner officer took Leo's (intended) faux paux a little lightly. Though these observations don't take away from the story, they do take a little away from the plot. Nevertheless, this is a delightful story.
read

choose a title

A review of A "Flash" in The Pan

by Karl Gorman on 06/06/2013

Again, you have a different tile on your PDF than you do on the Triggerstreet site. This comes across as badly organized (and I suggest you use the title on the PDF. It is much more relevant). Do not say ‘He was fuming’ because it’s too obvious. We – the reader – KNOW he is fuming. The gag at the end sounds like the protagonist was supposed to be an angel who was late for... Again, you have a different tile on your PDF than you do on the Triggerstreet site. This comes across as badly organized (and I suggest you use the title on the PDF. It is much more relevant).

Do not say ‘He was fuming’ because it’s too obvious. We – the reader – KNOW he is fuming.

The gag at the end sounds like the protagonist was supposed to be an angel who was late for his curfew. Second time around I get the impression that this protagonist died in a road accident, due to travelling too fast, and has does before his time as God notes.

Using the lines of asterisks is helped. I made it feel like his life was in patches, in a rush.
read

Try another era

A review of The Jewelry Box

by Karl Gorman on 06/06/2013

The ending is actually quite clever. In this cautionary tragic romance tale the person the protagonist wronged turns out to BE the one he will end up with. But I don’t believe a character – in this modern era of security cameras – would do something like that (steal in broad daylight) unless he was extremely desperate or extremely stupid. And if he was meant to be the latter,... The ending is actually quite clever. In this cautionary tragic romance tale the person the protagonist wronged turns out to BE the one he will end up with.

But I don’t believe a character – in this modern era of security cameras – would do something like that (steal in broad daylight) unless he was extremely desperate or extremely stupid. And if he was meant to be the latter, that didn’t come across in other incidents. Maybe set this in an era before there were security cameras, and maybe the protagonist will steal the box but still put the amount of money he was willing to spend on the table anyway. That would be more believable.

There are a lot of grammar errors. And you have made this single-spaced, which is technically a violation of Triggerstreet’s rules for short story submissions. read

Video Games, Sperm + One Night Stand

A review of Charles and the Lara Croft Obsession

by James Moriarty on 06/06/2013

Jason has written a genius story. "Croft" is a good imaginative tale that blends videogames, real sex and an author who can write with subtle humor. Go for it, Jason. Good writing: "Charles in the other...Chas has a history...32 bit serenade...cosmic Netfix network...kind of a prick...How much noise if I pushed him down the stairwell...w/o saying a single word...slashed tire...wheezing...sperm... Jason has written a genius story. "Croft" is a good imaginative tale that blends videogames, real sex and an author who can write with subtle humor. Go for it, Jason.

Good writing: "Charles in the other...Chas has a history...32 bit serenade...cosmic Netfix network...kind of a prick...How much noise if I pushed him down the stairwell...w/o saying a single word...slashed tire...wheezing...sperm for cash...Charles's sperm...Yum, Yum parties of 300...

Errata: many paragraphs are too long. Chop 'em, writer. 2 thoughts/paragraph. make it easy on the reader. we want a smooth ride through this 35 page "short story" that is a college memoire. College is about social/peer learning as well as academics. You show us, Jason.

Thank you for caring out "substance" research and reporting your conclusions: coke + alcohol + mushrooms + weed is "pushing it." But you were young and in your prime.

more errata" p.8 formed = form p.23 The. Professor Moriarty read

Review: Tom's Thumbs

A review of Tom's Thumbs

by writermorris on 06/06/2013

You are a puzzling writer. Sometimes I think your tales are workmanlike, but lack real insight, and other times like this story, you come up with an absolute gem of an idea. In fact that's what I like most about your work. Your ideas are really thoughtful and original. Everybody knows the story of Christopher Columbos and how he 'discovered' America, but no one knows of Tom... You are a puzzling writer. Sometimes I think your tales are workmanlike, but lack real insight, and other times like this story, you come up with an absolute gem of an idea. In fact that's what I like most about your work. Your ideas are really thoughtful and original. Everybody knows the story of Christopher Columbos and how he 'discovered' America, but no one knows of Tom Thumbs part in his great moment. I notice this story is six years old. Why don't you clean it up and sell it? Great story, much enjoyed. read

Charming Tale

A review of My Fairy Godmother

by karlasbryant on 06/05/2013

After reading so many dramas, sci-fi, and horror stories, "My Fairy Godmother" was a double pleasure: a well-crafted story by writermorris and one that had me smiling at the end of it. So many elements in the story hooked me in: the story long-held as a secret, the chance meeting, the hope--in opposition to all reason--that magic might truly exist...only to have the whole... After reading so many dramas, sci-fi, and horror stories, "My Fairy Godmother" was a double pleasure: a well-crafted story by writermorris and one that had me smiling at the end of it.

So many elements in the story hooked me in: the story long-held as a secret, the chance meeting, the hope--in opposition to all reason--that magic might truly exist...only to have the whole thing turn on its head with a wonderful twist.

Thank you once again, writermorris, for an entertaining, satisfying read. read

More, Please!

A review of The Blow Job - Part One

by karlasbryant on 06/05/2013

Writermorris has written another intriguing story, full of promise and suspense, but I'm not sure it's best split into separate parts. Strong characters, sharp interior dialogue, and realistic external dialogue, yet I felt I wanted more closure from a short story. I can't remember the last time I read a serialized story. My reading tends to be self-contained short stories,... Writermorris has written another intriguing story, full of promise and suspense, but I'm not sure it's best split into separate parts.

Strong characters, sharp interior dialogue, and realistic external dialogue, yet I felt I wanted more closure from a short story. I can't remember the last time I read a serialized story. My reading tends to be self-contained short stories, novellas, or novels. I felt there were 22 pages of set-up and an abrupt ending that's meant to tide the reader over until the 2nd part is submitted. It simply felt like too much set-up without really any pay-off. With all the positives going for it, I would have been much happier reading a longer piece...or a condensed version that writermorris could later expand into a novel if he chose. As it is, I can't offer an opinion on the story arc or if there's a satisfying ending or not.

But, given writermorris' track record, I have every confidence in what's to follow. read

Review

A review of Up in Smoke

by Karl Gorman on 06/05/2013

Devoid of spelling and grammar mistakes, good job there. And I was impressed by your research into onions. Especially a quote that there is an Egyptian Onion. The sense of cuisine was vivid, and potentially mouth-watering. I suggest you describe the smell and the taste the next time you write this. Actually USE our mind’s tongue and our mind’s nose with our always-present... Devoid of spelling and grammar mistakes, good job there. And I was impressed by your research into onions. Especially a quote that there is an Egyptian Onion.

The sense of cuisine was vivid, and potentially mouth-watering. I suggest you describe the smell and the taste the next time you write this. Actually USE our mind’s tongue and our mind’s nose with our always-present mind’s eye.

The punchline at the end – I am sorry to say – did not amuse me. It was sort of flat. The situation itself is funny, but the gag at the end was cliché and lame.

You state in the “more information” that it is 6 pages when in fact it is 7 (that’s the second time you’ve made such a lie). Also the title on the PDF is “Hold The Onions” but the title on the site is “Up In Smoke.” This makes you come across as unprepared. read

Review: Light My Fire

A review of Light My Fire

by writermorris on 06/05/2013

Nice to get a MarcTwine tale to review, this is actually one of my favourite authors on Trigger Street, mainly because although he has lots of basic faults that can sometimes irritate me Marc is constantly entertaining and thoughtful in his writing. This was actually rather could I liked the switch from wanting to be a fire fighter to been an arsonist, it was believable and... Nice to get a MarcTwine tale to review, this is actually one of my favourite authors on Trigger Street, mainly because although he has lots of basic faults that can sometimes irritate me Marc is constantly entertaining and thoughtful in his writing.

This was actually rather could I liked the switch from wanting to be a fire fighter to been an arsonist, it was believable and backed up with the kind of factual research that I enjoy in a story. This author always gives you some information about a subject that you didn't know anything about. And although told in an essay like style with little dialogue it was still a good story. Well told. read

review of The Unplanned Visit

A review of The Unplanned Visit

by Casey Major-Lehto on 06/04/2013

I fell in love with your characters. I think everyone has them in their family. There is the good one (David) the black sheep (Joe) and the peace maker (Ellen). Your detail was awesome. I felt nauseated when Tony started feeling Ellen up in the kitchen. However, there were some spelling errors: page 5 i think you meant sturdy and not study..."it dawned on him that the all... I fell in love with your characters. I think everyone has them in their family. There is the good one (David) the black sheep (Joe) and the peace maker (Ellen). Your detail was awesome. I felt nauseated when Tony started feeling Ellen up in the kitchen.
However, there were some spelling errors: page 5 i think you meant sturdy and not study..."it dawned on him that the all the families"...page 15 "in her or in the family room"
some pages were numbered at the bottom and some pages had roman numerals on the top... Some pages had big chunks of white space (pages 13 and 16)
I would go over it again or maybe have someone else proofread it for you. read

a powerful story

A review of The Unplanned Visit

by filmfamman on 06/04/2013

I liked this story of a family's past that is conjured up with an old chair sitting in an old house. At first when I read the word 'vampire' i was afraid the story was just going to degenerate into a flat vampire tale. But thankfully no, you pulled off a real story line with quality characterization and a satisfying ending with all the principle family roles intact. At first... I liked this story of a family's past that is conjured up with an old chair sitting in an old house. At first when I read the word 'vampire' i was afraid the story was just going to degenerate into a flat vampire tale. But thankfully no, you pulled off a real story line with quality characterization and a satisfying ending with all the principle family roles intact. At first I thought the story was getting a little too bogged down in the descriptions of the various houses, but that's probably just me. Overall, this was very good reading. read

Special ops in the hood

A review of Rule #9

by nick74 on 06/04/2013

This is a fun read. A lot of justice with a twist of revenge dabbled in. I don't care what they say, the line between the two is often so thin, they're really just one in the same, methods not withstanding. Neverhteless, this is a clean, fun --- and a little dirty --- sampling. You tell it with great precision, too, setting a rapid pace that never stops moving forward. Oh,... This is a fun read. A lot of justice with a twist of revenge dabbled in. I don't care what they say, the line between the two is often so thin, they're really just one in the same, methods not withstanding. Neverhteless, this is a clean, fun --- and a little dirty --- sampling.

You tell it with great precision, too, setting a rapid pace that never stops moving forward. Oh, sure, there was the scene in the driveway with his buddies that slowed the action a bit, but necessarily so. That scene possesses the lion's share of your character painting, and it was at that point I felt like I was dealing with true brothers. From then on, I didn't doubt a single thing about them. Good stuff.

Technically this story shows that you know "how" to write. I's dotted. T's crossed. And everything just fell into place nicely.

If I were to be critical at all, I would say that Rule #9 is missing one major ingredient: Obstacle. The characters set out to complete a mission step by step, and they did so. However, for the sake of drama in story-telling, let something go horribly wrong with their plan --- something that forces them to create a solution on the fly, something that forces them to struggle. To brainstorm mindlessly, maybe Roger was waiting for them and fled into the night. Maybe because of his paranoia he had hired body guards they weren't expecting, or maybe the cops were on to him and decided to make the bust on the same night they invaded his home. I don't know... anything that might give them something to work around, or work through. Just a thought.

As it is, Rule #9 (which was cleverly worked into the story, by the way) is a fun, straight read that goes by faster than its 13 pages. Nice job.


read

the hard life of a cowpoke

A review of Rafter J Ranching

by filmfamman on 06/04/2013

this was good tale, taking us into the hard scrable life of a ranch foreman. most people wouldn't put up with this hard of a life, starting with the dog bites as leo picks up herman (i hoped leo had his rabies shots). i live out in the grass seed farming region here in Oregon. The farmers here have it easy compared to the ranchers, it seems, their expensive comibines and... this was good tale, taking us into the hard scrable life of a ranch foreman. most people wouldn't put up with this hard of a life, starting with the dog bites as leo picks up herman (i hoped leo had his rabies shots). i live out in the grass seed farming region here in Oregon. The farmers here have it easy compared to the ranchers, it seems, their expensive comibines and tractors do 95% of the work. overall, an interesting yarn. read

Stay Connected!

• Connect with us on Facebook
• Follow us on Twitter
• Subscribe to our RSS feeds

Browse:

• Short Films
• Short Stories
• Screenplays
• Members
• Spotlight Submissions
• Reviewer Spotlight
• Hall of Justice
• Message Board
• Industry News

• Short Story Spotlight Thy Will Be Done
• Reviewer Spotlight hinge1492