Reviews
Well this short certainly started of slow amd I felt the actor held appeal of some description.
I loved the shot of the clouds and the the camera movement at the end focusing on the newly found happiness -
I am presuming he recalls his happy childhood on a swing in the park thus compensating for his lost love.
Quite a good film but waht cerainly shone through was the immediate...
Well this short certainly started of slow amd I felt the actor held appeal of some description.
I loved the shot of the clouds and the the camera movement at the end focusing on the newly found happiness -
I am presuming he recalls his happy childhood on a swing in the park thus compensating for his lost love.
Quite a good film but waht cerainly shone through was the immediate mood the viewer felt, actually the viewer was not estranged from either of the characters so good job.
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I'm not sure where you wanted to go with this. Unfortunately, it didn't take me anywhere. I suppose the initial concept has some merit, and if you had focussed on some aspect the two characters share because of their orphan experience and thrown in some conflicts between the two that would have eventually been worked out because of the one common bond between them, you would...
I'm not sure where you wanted to go with this. Unfortunately, it didn't take me anywhere. I suppose the initial concept has some merit, and if you had focussed on some aspect the two characters share because of their orphan experience and thrown in some conflicts between the two that would have eventually been worked out because of the one common bond between them, you would have had a more interesting and involving screenplay. This scenario would have also encouraged some character developement and shown us how the two characters helped each other grow or mature in some way. May I also suggest that in any subsequent rewrite that you try to give each character a more distinctive "voice" so the dialogue will seem less monotone.
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For the most part I liked the short. I think its potential for ideas can be expanded. Going through the door and becoming 3-D reminded me of a Homer Simpson episode in which they did entered an alternate universe and became 3-D for a Halloween episode; it was striking and memorable. There were times when the animated characters did nothing for stretches, and then there were...
For the most part I liked the short. I think its potential for ideas can be expanded. Going through the door and becoming 3-D reminded me of a Homer Simpson episode in which they did entered an alternate universe and became 3-D for a Halloween episode; it was striking and memorable. There were times when the animated characters did nothing for stretches, and then there were a lot of effects all at once. The disco flair of the 3-D party was fun and imaginative. I could have done without the vulgar language as it did nothing for the short and seemed out of place. I liked the door boarded up and the 3-D foot stepping out for the first time. So you did well on the subtle touches. Would have liked to see more of the party. I'm sure it was a lot of work, but it was worth it as it was pretty entertaining.
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I reviewed this a few weeks ago if I recall and kept it again because I wanted to see what changes you've made or if I would have the same reaction.
I think it's still good and tighter but I must admit I have the same view as before.
Like I stated earlier, the descriptions are outstanding, so vivid and well written that this script is a pure visual delight. If this ever makes...
I reviewed this a few weeks ago if I recall and kept it again because I wanted to see what changes you've made or if I would have the same reaction.
I think it's still good and tighter but I must admit I have the same view as before.
Like I stated earlier, the descriptions are outstanding, so vivid and well written that this script is a pure visual delight. If this ever makes it to be a film, then the production design would be outstanding because your descriptions are right there on the page. The lodge of light is still a great visual idea, both as a prop and as a motif for Gib's character.
Just as before, I think this script's great strength is the first act and the actual revenge scene at the end. The first major plot point, after McKenzie's murder and Gib's rape comes around page 35 now, I believe it was a few pages later in the earlier draft? Anyhow, these first pages set up the story beautifully and the characters in place for the rest of the story.
Now, I still have the same small reservations about the second act when Gib comes back, the brothers become born again and Gib enters their lives once more.
I'm glad you stuck to your guns and not change it because it was just a suggestion, but I still have a slight problem with Gib's return and with the brothers becoming so religious so quickly. I still feel Gib should be a bit more mysterious when she returns. And especially when she announces to all the boys that she forgives them. In my earlier review, I felt she became too social and we lost an air of mystery. She talks too much for my taste, especially after she doesn't utter one single word in the first act.
In certain scenes, I think you can cut down on her dialogue. I don't mean to take it all out but less and have her be more mysterious. I don't want to dwell on this too much because I already wrote this in my earlier review but I'm stubborn and still think it would add even more mystery and one more layer to her character.
Now, while I understand Carson's sudden change of heart, especially after he visits the asylum and especially when he is in church, sees the cross and god enters his life. All that is well and good, but I feel he becomes almost too christian. Maybe if not all the brothers do the same then it might help a bit. Not sure.
I did enjoy the janitor scene a bit more this time but I still think Carson changes too quickly. He is the suspicious one who goes to visit the hospital to enquire about her. But then it seems his change to christianity is kind of sudden. Maybe I'm still off on this but I have to criticize something here or else this would just be a gusher review with no merit. Or maybe not criticize but just give an opposing viewpoint and offer an idea or two.
The ending is a bravura moment, maybe cut down some of Gib's dialogue again here (sorry, I mentioned I was going to stop doing this but I did it again) but overall, it worked superbly. Certainly the last few pages of action were extremely well written, the pacing was perfect, the build up was just right.
One note that I didn't think of in the last draft but I wonder if you should leave the scene when she kills her father Leon to the ending just as she starts to kill the brothers? Instead of tipping us off earlier that she is in it for revenge (although there's no doubt in our minds that this is what you're leading to). By doing this, it leaves a little air of mystery about it. I guess I'm harping on this mystery angle but I still think it would add a nice touch. So right before the scene when they're back in the lodge and right when she has Caleb kneel down and propose, we cut to her killing Leon and then we cut back to her killing Caleb. Maybe this would really give the scene an ever bigger jolt? Just an idea.
I think I liked this a bit more than the first time eventhough I still think first and last act, above average, second act just okay but it did read better this time for me.
Again, I really, really enjoyed this both times. This is good on all counts for me.
Thanks again for a good read.
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Ken's sister should have her own show...I seen her in someone else's film and she's hot. The whole episode should have been shorter and just about the Strike as that was the only funny part. By the way, reviewer ERVFilmZ's idea about making out made me laugh more than the actual film so what does that say boys and girls?
My reading notes (these are typically questions that arise as I read or items that pull me out of the story):
* your SP doesn't have page numbers
* slugs shouldn't specify the time of day
* "Wildwood, New Jersey only has a handful of tourists this time of year." - how is the audience going to know this?
* action blocks are easier to read if you limit them to 3 or 4 lines
*...
My reading notes (these are typically questions that arise as I read or items that pull me out of the story):
* your SP doesn't have page numbers
* slugs shouldn't specify the time of day
* "Wildwood, New Jersey only has a handful of tourists this time of year." - how is the audience going to know this?
* action blocks are easier to read if you limit them to 3 or 4 lines
* more show, less tell - ex: he’s actually an educated snob with a life outside of his criminal doings.
* if the shot is EXT car, how are we supposed to hear what they're saying inside?
* If Frank's a college professor, he'd know that it should be "if I were," not "if I was"
* an occasional bit of action as a dialog parenthetical is ok but you do it too often
* formatting problems in the dialog - weird spacing
* p 6? - s/b "I'm touched," not "I'm touch"
* s/b power cord, not chord
* it's spelled papier mache
* why would Frank just happen to have two sets of mini-scuba gear in a backpack that he brings with him to a drug meeting?
* the tenure process doesn't work remotely like you've described it here.
* no more reading notes. Going to try to focus on the story.
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CONCEPT: a cross between a video game and a crime/action pic. Not particularly original except the attempt to make the drug dealer a college professor
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STORY: meandering and unfocued. The first 40+ pages is all setup that contains a lot of profanity and vulgarity seemingly for the sake of shock only. Frank knows that Lloyd wasn't the one trying to kill him and he also knows that someone who does want to kill him is on the loose. Why doesn't he suspect Marcus until someone else mentions it? A big chunk of the 2nd act consists of non-goal pursuits (plays an alien video game for a whole night) and a lot a preachy expository dialog. The 3rd act starts in an S&M club with lines like this - "Sitting in the room with them is the owner of the club, an Asian man named MR. TUGAMI. Lloyd shot and killed the man about 15 minutes ago." Frank doesn't do anything to discover the person who shot him except ask Lloyd to find out. We discover the shooter by way of his confession not because of anything Frank did.
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STRUCTURE: weak. The end of the first act, where Frank gets shot, doesn't occur until pg 30-something which is too late. The point where Frank's goal is stated, to find out who shot him, doesn't occur until pg 40-something. The main character does a lot of stuff but very little in pursuit of the stated goal. The theme/premise is unclear.
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CHARACTERS: not a sympathetic/likeable one in the bunch. They're all liars, thieves or perverts. The cops are caricaturish as are the bad guys. No one has an arc and none are realistic.
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DIALOG: expository, profane and on-the-nose. No subtext.
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GENERAL: I have to say I'm disappointed in the presentation of the SP based on the qualifications and experience you detail in your bio. This doesn't follow the spec conventions at all with all its camera directions, shot specifications, huge action blocks, action in parentheticals, unfilmables, etc. and those, on top of all the spelling errors and misused words, made this a very difficult read. It took me three days to get through it.
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I very much enjoyed the introduction to the characters. Alex, Sydney, Buster, and Jeannie were all very well rounded and likable characters.
However, I felt that the ending was very predictable and the character of Blaine seemed a little geriatric and tired.
There were some minor formatting issues however I fear I would just be repeating something someone else has already...
I very much enjoyed the introduction to the characters. Alex, Sydney, Buster, and Jeannie were all very well rounded and likable characters.
However, I felt that the ending was very predictable and the character of Blaine seemed a little geriatric and tired.
There were some minor formatting issues however I fear I would just be repeating something someone else has already said in another review.
I was expecting a more climactic reason behind Alex's acrophobia. It seemed very forced and poorly thought up.
The mother character was very easy to dislike and it was very interesting to read about. She reminded me of Jane Fonda from "Two and a Half Men".
Overall it was descent.
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I didn't care for this very much. It wasn't particularly interesting even though the fantasy world created might have potential if things were more fully developed.
I didn't empathize with any of the characters or their plight. There was just not much reason for the reader to care about the events in the story and their impact on the lives of the characters.
Characters existing...
I didn't care for this very much. It wasn't particularly interesting even though the fantasy world created might have potential if things were more fully developed.
I didn't empathize with any of the characters or their plight. There was just not much reason for the reader to care about the events in the story and their impact on the lives of the characters.
Characters existing in imaginary worlds need particular care in their development because their humanity is draws the reader into the fantasy world. Contemporary settings often make it easier for the reader to relate.
There were a lot of spelling, grammar, and puncuation errors which should be corrected.
Overall: Unengaging
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This movie could have been more. The use of two cameras was executed well, but I thought the story should have been more. Some camera angles were too akward. For example when the two characters are lying on the bed the camera is very far away when it should remain up close and personal. Overall it was an interesting short.
Now I first watched this film a coupla weeks ago but cldn't review it because I'd reached my daily limit. Back then, I'm sure I remember really liking it - I had a soft spot for it.
On second watch, it just didn't seem quite as good. It's far too long for a start - if you edit your own films you've got to be your own harshest critic. The acting, although it got better, was...
Now I first watched this film a coupla weeks ago but cldn't review it because I'd reached my daily limit. Back then, I'm sure I remember really liking it - I had a soft spot for it.
On second watch, it just didn't seem quite as good. It's far too long for a start - if you edit your own films you've got to be your own harshest critic. The acting, although it got better, was overly theatrical at the start on both parts. The story was fairly standard, and the camera-work competent but barely noteworthy. The score by this 'very talented guy' was quite good after all, but music was at a bare minimum in the piece.
And then we got to the scene where he tries to have sex with her on the couch, and suddenly I found myself enjoying it, remembering how I felt when I first watched it. The scene with the little twist where she announces the line he crossed and we find out what it is, and the scene where she leaves his stuff outside the door, again a twist - were very well done. Suddenly the acting was fine and the story engrossing. Even the oh-so-familiar scene where the ex-hubby is discussing his girlfriends since marriage and the magic appearance of someone behind the camera worked.
It's a strange experience for me this - normally I get bored and switch off, but this short switched me on about 6 minutes in. The last 3 minutes really work - you can understand both characters' viewpoints, and both seem attractive in their own ways. You stop noticing that it's a low-budget production and start caring in other words.
My jury is still out on whether it was a good idea to have the sequences where they talk to the camera. They were well sequenced with the action cuts, and occasionally interesting, but again reality-tv made cliche since The Office. A final warning - the 'imaginary friends' line was far too clumsy and shattered my suspension of disbelief - do not draw attention to the camera, reality tv or no, unless it is specifically there as an interviewing tool!
Good work.
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And then you make a short about it. What I liked about this one was the supporting players were very natural...like the woman who handed the lead the pamphlet. Great deadpan. I also think our beleagered lead did an okay job in his role. He isn't funny, but that, perhaps is the point. He's the straight man with characters surrounding him. Good choice.
That looked as it was something somewhat tame and played out until the last frame. That is as dark an ending as I can imagine. Very good, because I have a million questons in my head. What would the guy do if he knew he killed the little girl in trying to scare the clerk? Or, did he know exactly what he was doing in placing the shot where he did?Part of me hates this movie,...
That looked as it was something somewhat tame and played out until the last frame. That is as dark an ending as I can imagine. Very good, because I have a million questons in my head. What would the guy do if he knew he killed the little girl in trying to scare the clerk? Or, did he know exactly what he was doing in placing the shot where he did?Part of me hates this movie, because it almost exploits a terrible tragedy, but I think the film maker did exactly what he was supposed to in getting the viewer to think long and hard about what they just saw.Truely, the best way to review this for someone, and I aplolgize for the corse language, is to say SHIT!!
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Have to be honest Lawire i was a little bit disapointed by your film i found it very slow moving and foudn teh story dull. It was a bit of a Fight CLub esq idea with the different sides of peoples personalities taking ove rbut taht isnt a bad thing. Dint like the way showed the main guy being pulled ot of the frame it made it looked cheap especially with the titles. But apart...
Have to be honest Lawire i was a little bit disapointed by your film i found it very slow moving and foudn teh story dull. It was a bit of a Fight CLub esq idea with the different sides of peoples personalities taking ove rbut taht isnt a bad thing. Dint like the way showed the main guy being pulled ot of the frame it made it looked cheap especially with the titles. But apart from the neegative things i have mentioned there are a lot of positive things to say about this movie you are very good a editing i liked your style and teh cinematography was very well don. it was just the story aht let it down i feel. maybe if the narrative was a little faster i would of enjoyed thsi more. good effort! well done
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This was a by-the-numbers student film. Let's see. All takes place in some guy's campus apartment. Check. OTT, melodramatic performances (the "more is more" approach). Check. Loads and loads of high-school drama class dialogue. Check. Don't mean to be too harsh (hey, I've made films like this) but this sort of film strikes me as very self-indulgent. It is not wrong...
This was a by-the-numbers student film. Let's see. All takes place in some guy's campus apartment. Check. OTT, melodramatic performances (the "more is more" approach). Check. Loads and loads of high-school drama class dialogue. Check. Don't mean to be too harsh (hey, I've made films like this) but this sort of film strikes me as very self-indulgent. It is not wrong to vent and rant using your art. But, like the office joke that isn't funny to people who weren't there, you have to consider your audience before you take your show on the road. This film wears its message on its sleeve; instead of telling a story and having the film lead its audience to a certain perspective, the film basically spells out exactly what the writer is thinking. Subtlety can work wonders in a case like this. I didn't really care for the actors. I'm not sure if it is the writing, the directing, or just the acting, but they came across as melodramatic and soap opera-ey (was that the intent?). The shots and editing were okay, but since the whole frame of the eight minute (!!!) piece was this teenage-angst-ridden debate, I wasn't particularly held by the visuals. My suggestion would be really hone and practice your writing skills. Good luck!
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Pretty funny, it does a good job of capturing the Starbucks craze. The humor was good, I loved the part when he is talking about the chairs and the energy that flows around the chairs. The acting was very good and I thought the actor really made this piece believeable and humorous. The editing was a bit inconsistent and dragged at times, but that is only a minor complaint...
Pretty funny, it does a good job of capturing the Starbucks craze. The humor was good, I loved the part when he is talking about the chairs and the energy that flows around the chairs. The acting was very good and I thought the actor really made this piece believeable and humorous. The editing was a bit inconsistent and dragged at times, but that is only a minor complaint. The ending was a bit abrupt. However, I did find this film to be enjoyable and entertaining.
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