Reviews
First off, congratulations on finishing a screenplay! That's a big achievement! This is just my opinion. Take it with a grain of salt.
I have to admit I read the first four pages twice. Not use to a sp without one mistake. Your descriptions are a bit wordy.
Magnificent floor to ceiling windows allow the diners to look out over the city like gods
Not needed. You already stated,...
First off, congratulations on finishing a screenplay! That's a big achievement! This is just my opinion. Take it with a grain of salt.
I have to admit I read the first four pages twice. Not use to a sp without one mistake. Your descriptions are a bit wordy.
Magnificent floor to ceiling windows allow the diners to look out over the city like gods
Not needed. You already stated, “The hum of chatter and chamber music fills the busy room.” No one care about a waiter until they are needed
The patrons are too caught up in their own worlds to pay him any mind.
You should not be giving Camera directions
SLOW MOTION
We know how he’s going to get out. Nobody notices X place a very small glob of the blue goo on one of the gargantuan windows.
So, how do I get out of here? He’s trapped. All the exits are blocked. No way out.
You do not have to state the obvious. We can see that.
No rope attached to him this time.
We know this
It’s a long way down...
Not needed
At that moment, in a less glamorous building across town:
Write in present tense only
He appears considerably more composed than he will shortly.
Rewrite
We learn this in her ACTIONS
a ball-busting woman in her 50s, thriving in a man’s world. Just describle her.
EXT. TALL BUILDING - NIGHT
Way up, Agent Jones and MAX, 50s, examine the remains of the window.
This is how it’s done on 90% of sold sps.
SYDNEY (30) impossibly beautiful, fit, bob of shortish black hair and a lycra outfit that looks painted on, works on a weight machine.
X? I am sure you can do better than that.
Not needed
aware it’s a huge ask.
On
She bounces over and kisses him in the cheek.
She;s carrying X. So how can she
She fiddles with the computer
No actions have proven that
employed for aesthetic rather than functional qualities.
There is nothing new here, but I am enjoying it just the same.
Lol!!!
X
You’re a bit of a meanie, aren’t you?
SYDNEY
You gonna talk this much on every job?
This would never happen
revealing a gun tucked into his pants.
Guns aren’t allowed in meetings.
Funny this is the second sp in two days about drugs.
My stomach!!! LOL!!!
The headless chicken makes a beeline for the Big Gangster. He freaks, falling backwards out of his chair as the dead chicken jumps him. Everyone is too stunned to know what to do next.
If a Producer’s reader, read this
(She would probably be very pretty if you removed the glasses and did her hair, but that’s a whole other movie.)
The trash it would be.
You have the great stuff here
Beryl shoves a plastic zip lock bag of sweets under X’s nose.
X
No, thank you.
BERYL
Ooh. See that, Bertie? He can talk.
?
She then hurries to under a different hatch.
How did they get away from the airplane crush?
‘S not needed
Grey’s falls backwards
Not Needed
The opening sequence plays out in rocketing real time.
Half a dozen floors down he hits a glass ceiling overrun with familiar goo cracks
Earlier you wrote
Max looks the long way down to the street.
MAX
Where’dhe go?
JONES
We’re looking into it.
Toyota could use some good press.
Not one scratch! Do you understand!
We now because he did not react
X doesn’t notice.
Write the action
King’s Associate can’t believe it.
Why was this done?
KING (V.O.)
How’s it going, Agent Jones? I have someone here who wants to talk to you. A child’s voice comes on
Why would X care about Kitty?
Behind King is Kitty, bound and gagged.
Okay.
Please don’t feel disappointed about my comments, as they are only my point of view, and are in no way meant to undermine your work or your writing ability. However, I feel that if my review is really going to be of any use to you, then I need to call it as I see it.
If I am wrong about my comments let me know.
Thank you and good luck!!!
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Sorry Mazhar, I hate to say it but it's nothing we haven't all read and seen before, the bit about his daughter was grim to say the least! I felt like you threw that in to shock us into some interest, Was the devil in white from the film Constantine by any chance?.
Redemption comes from the heart not by being backed into a corner, you should have let his wife into the room,...
Sorry Mazhar, I hate to say it but it's nothing we haven't all read and seen before, the bit about his daughter was grim to say the least! I felt like you threw that in to shock us into some interest, Was the devil in white from the film Constantine by any chance?.
Redemption comes from the heart not by being backed into a corner, you should have let his wife into the room, brought forth by god so she could give Trey the beating he deserved.
Try and make sure that the grammar is correct before you submit as this really throws you, otherwise the reader loses interest.
ML.
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I've just finished reading Exit Strategies, and in short it's a well paced action adventure that may perhaps borrow a bit to extensively from its inspiration.
I watch a lot of movies. I imagine I received this script because it falls into line with the type of films I enjoy. Unfortunately that is both a good and bad thing.
The writing is good, the pacing is good, and the...
I've just finished reading Exit Strategies, and in short it's a well paced action adventure that may perhaps borrow a bit to extensively from its inspiration.
I watch a lot of movies. I imagine I received this script because it falls into line with the type of films I enjoy. Unfortunately that is both a good and bad thing.
The writing is good, the pacing is good, and the formatting is overall about right. I only noticed a few typos, and a few formatting mistakes, particularly with characters continuous dialogue, but I'm going to focus my thoughts more on the story, because I feel that's what I'm best suited to review.
First and foremost, there are just too many similarities with your story, and with the film "Wanted." Intended or not, the contrasts are too stark for your film to stand apart. Whether it's the carefree but gung-ho female co-star, the overly nice but willing-to-kill male lead, or the series of events that bring these two together, there is just too much. Even changing Sydney to a male would help this dynamic a good deal, but even then- The way in which she approaches X about his special skills, the solitude X feels knowing he has no family or people who care for him, and the overall theme of kill 1 bad guy, save a bunch of good guys, is too similar.
There are similarities with other films as well. Kings shake-up of all the city is getting into Joker/Dark Knight territory, and even X's phone call to the car owner seems to reflect Sean Connery's in "The Rock."
You may think I'm being too harsh, but I'm only trying to be constructive. People who would enjoy this movie, would have seen the films I've mentioned. This isn't to say it doesn't have potential, it does, a good deal of it. There is good material here, good visuals, and great action. Action I'd pay to see. All it needs is some revision, and bit of your own flavor mixed in. You don't have to change the central story, just the way a few key characters interact with it.
I did enjoy your villains ruthless manner, and the ability you have to kill off characters without warning. But be cautious of how you set these things up. When X sees kitty has been captured, would he announce "We have to save her?" When King is obviously within earshot? The viewer knows his connection, and knows his first thought would be to rescue her. There are a few cases like this where your characters are saying instead of showing.
Don't get discouraged, and don't stop writing. One of my biggest problems is when I love a scene or character from a movie, I can't help but mimic it. I can't tell you how many times I've written Daniel Day-Lewis Characters into my westerns realizing only later how their quick talk and smooth manner pulls too much from "There Will be Blood." Or I've written ruthless killers whose cold attitude stems too much from "No Country for Old Men."
Hollywood's scarcest treasures are original screenplays. It's why we see so many remakes, reboots and sequels. There is a huge target audience for stylized ultra-violent gunplay, but always be wary of the fact that the people who enjoy that theme, know it better than anyone.
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Cute. Nice use of lighting, and suspense. Pretty obvious UFO elements (use of lighting as known by X files genre). Kudos to the animation inserted into the middle of it. Nice job. And the ending punchline? Uh, okay. Whats the moral of the story? Is that 50 words?
I really liked this one. Silence can be very scary. It made me think, rather than placing evrything out in front of me. I thought it did a good job of building the suspense. When he peeked around the top of the steps and saw himself ( doppleganger?) at the bottom of the stairs, I was scared @#$%less. Great job, keep up the good work.
I found this to be an interesting sort but it left me with more questions then answers, which maybe what the writing/directing team wanted.
I found Lady X to be rather sloppy for a mystery woman. The team found here quite easily, and seemed to be able to trail her without a problem, which bothered me. Why can't they capture someone that can be tracked so easily?
Where the...
I found this to be an interesting sort but it left me with more questions then answers, which maybe what the writing/directing team wanted.
I found Lady X to be rather sloppy for a mystery woman. The team found here quite easily, and seemed to be able to trail her without a problem, which bothered me. Why can't they capture someone that can be tracked so easily?
Where the bicycle race was a novel idea, maybe because I'm American I found it inplausible. What person commits a heist and then uses a bicycle as their get away vechile? At the end Lady X vindicates herself by breaking into the enemy headquarter and stealing the desired breifcase right under her enemies noses.
I did like the structure through. Starting with the end of the chase and then showing how it happenned. But overall I was left with not much respect for either spy organization.
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I disagree with some of the reviews that Baby X received. I personally liked the home video feel to it because when violence in the home happens it is never in beautiful glossy photography that one remembers it. It's your vision! So if you see it as shaky and choppy or dark then that's all there is to it. Anyone who can't relate or understand what abuse or domestic violence...
I disagree with some of the reviews that Baby X received. I personally liked the home video feel to it because when violence in the home happens it is never in beautiful glossy photography that one remembers it. It's your vision! So if you see it as shaky and choppy or dark then that's all there is to it. Anyone who can't relate or understand what abuse or domestic violence or the pressures of living in the ghetto is not going to get it. And that's quite alright. First you do it for yourself and then if along the way people like it then that's gravy.Certainly having the funds as well as good and efficient equipment is a factor when making a movie but like they say and I always believe, exploit your resources. I empathize with you because I too shot my movie on a Hi 8 digital. I don't have 2 or 3 grand to blow on a top of the lin ecamera. A lotof people on Trigger Street follow a formula. Even movies that reach the top ten, lack substance. You're trying to tell a personal tale. You have a message! Everybody thinks they're experts filmmakers. And you know what, even in the professional world, like William Goldman said; "Nobody knows anything". I agree TS is great!
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Although I almost sent this to the HOJ for review at first, upon viewing this it does tell a complete story by itself. There is a fine line on something like this with a self-professed episodic production, but it does stand on its own two legs so I decided to let it go. Camera work, audio, editing were all very good. The story was a bit weak, but the use of the "flash back"...
Although I almost sent this to the HOJ for review at first, upon viewing this it does tell a complete story by itself. There is a fine line on something like this with a self-professed episodic production, but it does stand on its own two legs so I decided to let it go. Camera work, audio, editing were all very good. The story was a bit weak, but the use of the "flash back" type intro was well done. Also, the disappearance of the briefcase caught me off guard, I didn't expect that there at the spy HQ (don't they have security? Lock doors?). I suppose this is all supposed to lend itself to the "phantom lady x" phenomenon, but I don't buy it. Nice use of exterior shots, the imagery added to the international feel of the piece. All in all, not bad, but I think the weak link was the script / plot structure. Nice job overall.
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I won't mention typos -- There were many but I wanted to focus on the story.
I like the concept, but plausibility is lacking. Unless Angel was retarded and drooling on herself, no initiation pressure, would prompt her to put a gun to a General's head. Not believable.
I would suggest framing her.
Your narratives composed a novel. Every action, glance, jump, kick, was described...
I won't mention typos -- There were many but I wanted to focus on the story.
I like the concept, but plausibility is lacking. Unless Angel was retarded and drooling on herself, no initiation pressure, would prompt her to put a gun to a General's head. Not believable.
I would suggest framing her.
Your narratives composed a novel. Every action, glance, jump, kick, was described. Too novel-esque. Keep your narratives down to 1/10th of what they are. Blocking will be added by director.
I liked it until you turned it into a raunchy porn.. You can show them going at it, without describing, sucking, squeezing, feasting on the va-J-J..if it's a porn, it'll be on cam,.if not pointless to write it all.
I liked the chase/ shootout stuff but way too wordy.
Keep tweaking it...you'll get it there.
I'd like to see Angel have a few memorable "Bad ass" lines.
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Not a great film, but Coen certainly displays more of a command of film as a visual form than most of the films I've recently reviewed. I must also say that even though this entire film is, very basically, three people eating soup - there is more atmosphere, suspense, and tension here than in the other submissions I've seen.
But Coen, where do you go from here?
Overall:...
Not a great film, but Coen certainly displays more of a command of film as a visual form than most of the films I've recently reviewed. I must also say that even though this entire film is, very basically, three people eating soup - there is more atmosphere, suspense, and tension here than in the other submissions I've seen.
But Coen, where do you go from here?
Overall: Very Lucas-esq (see short 'THX-1138'), more art than entertainment but very engaging. The ending fits the film perfectly.
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You defeniteluy have talent Rama. The way you use your style and original concept will go a long way for you if you keep this up. My favorite part was realizing (BEWARE- SPOILER AHEAD) that the person in your house was you. But there were also many problems I had with your short. Black and white does nothing for me, maybe it does for someone else but not me. The story majorly...
You defeniteluy have talent Rama. The way you use your style and original concept will go a long way for you if you keep this up. My favorite part was realizing (BEWARE- SPOILER AHEAD) that the person in your house was you. But there were also many problems I had with your short. Black and white does nothing for me, maybe it does for someone else but not me. The story majorly lacked because there wasn't any. You overdid the editying also which kind of tripped me out. And even though no dialogue was part of your concept I think it hurt your acting ratings, especially since there was no story. Keep it up though, from what I can tell, you're young and have plenty of time to master your art.
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There are some well-choreographed action sequences and special effects, but the characters lack any real depth and the plo, in all its various digresions,tdoes not hold together. It's much too confusing, and suddenly at the end, the reader finds out Robert is really one of the thieves. Now the part about the theives got interesting, with their technology and the alien artifact,...
There are some well-choreographed action sequences and special effects, but the characters lack any real depth and the plo, in all its various digresions,tdoes not hold together. It's much too confusing, and suddenly at the end, the reader finds out Robert is really one of the thieves. Now the part about the theives got interesting, with their technology and the alien artifact, the X'lain, but it was really never fully developed. The X'lain should be, in Hitchcock's words, the Mcguffin, that object, which everyone desires. I did like the concep, however, and there were some great moments, but overall , the plot does not hold together and keep the reader/viewer in suspense. It needs some more work, but I would consider it, once it is re-written
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What an excellent little film. It is very refreshing and encouraging to see a short film so masterfully created. Congrats to everyone involved because this is really what the art of the short film is all about. Teriffic idea and awesome execution of it. Wow I'm speechless. After all that wading through mediocrity here is the MOTHER LODE!!!
I can't think of anything that great about this. It seems as though the movies with the most hype and the least amount of content are the ones that people like the most. I like films that express somthing, films that say somthing new or have a point of some kind. This just feels like another episode of the X files. Where was Mulder? What's the point?I really don't feel like...
I can't think of anything that great about this. It seems as though the movies with the most hype and the least amount of content are the ones that people like the most. I like films that express somthing, films that say somthing new or have a point of some kind. This just feels like another episode of the X files. Where was Mulder? What's the point?I really don't feel like this deserves to be in the top ten.
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The story itself is passe, but the presentation is excellent. Some of the best camera work and editing I have seen in a short in a long time. The actors did an outstanding job with the material they had. There were a few moments that seemed contrived, such as when the young man is kicking the box, that distract rather than move the story. I'm really not sure what the setting...
The story itself is passe, but the presentation is excellent. Some of the best camera work and editing I have seen in a short in a long time. The actors did an outstanding job with the material they had. There were a few moments that seemed contrived, such as when the young man is kicking the box, that distract rather than move the story. I'm really not sure what the setting was supposed to be, but a regular home appearance with sturdy chairs might have helped. The lighting was very nice and the over-all attention to detail was refreshing. As it stands it would be a nice segment in any number of current TV programs.
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