Reviews
This short is a moment is time captured. Short, sweet senimental. For me there was no real story or substance behind it. The camera work was shaky. There were a bit too many dissolves i the beginning. I did like the transfer from black and white to color and back to black & white again, that was nice. Maybe if this was part of a larger scheme I would have appreciated it...
This short is a moment is time captured. Short, sweet senimental. For me there was no real story or substance behind it. The camera work was shaky. There were a bit too many dissolves i the beginning. I did like the transfer from black and white to color and back to black & white again, that was nice. Maybe if this was part of a larger scheme I would have appreciated it more. A scene in a larger short perhaps.
read
Wild action. I like the dialog between Putz and Joel. This started funny and fun, but continued more of the same, which became tiresome. The descriptions do a good job of capturing the tone of the action, even the cliches - which would not fit in another script. But descriptions to amuse the reader that will not be clear on screen, i.e. the van not bus joke, is not screenplay...
Wild action. I like the dialog between Putz and Joel. This started funny and fun, but continued more of the same, which became tiresome. The descriptions do a good job of capturing the tone of the action, even the cliches - which would not fit in another script. But descriptions to amuse the reader that will not be clear on screen, i.e. the van not bus joke, is not screenplay writing. Some of the jokes, such as the black white thing, got tapped out. Not much character development or tension building plot. But lots of deep weirdness and deep glibness. It reminds me of 'Independence Day' without structure, which makes this a movie to watch stoned.
read
As a city resident I recognise the authentic feel of this story. New York is as much a character as any of the people. I only know New York from fiction from previous generations so I do not know if this is what contemporary New York feels like but it reads real. The concept risks being too hackneyed but is handled well and it makes for a gripping story. The characters are...
As a city resident I recognise the authentic feel of this story. New York is as much a character as any of the people. I only know New York from fiction from previous generations so I do not know if this is what contemporary New York feels like but it reads real. The concept risks being too hackneyed but is handled well and it makes for a gripping story. The characters are sketched quickly and well. The domestic scenes are nicely handled and the relationships are believable. The dialogue has an authentic migrants English rhythm without extravagant phonetic spelling.
I found my self gripped by the tale and feeling a sizeable relief at the resolution. I wonder if you considered a harder ending. I think you got it right with what you did- kinder to the reader. I liked the symmetry of the salesman's appearances and the cutting between scenes that ran at different tempos- street to restaurant to apartment- gave an urgency and tension that had me on the edge.
A well conceived and well written story. Some lovely language (quirked an eyebrow my favourite) and a great eye for small descriptive detail (the Chevrolet cars on the transporter) fix the tale in the location and create the atmosphere of a city where drama happens unnoticed all around. Superb.
read
Wow, technically the cinematography and editing were excellent. This was a very nice piece. Very moving. Loved the feeling in the narration by the son. The production values were very high in this piece. You should be very proud of this short. Hope to see many others from you.
This tragic tale is set inside the head of a man destroyed by guilt. It is a place that only a writer can go and it takes a strong imaginative writer to make it convincing. It is pulled off well and the grief and guilt of the father is touchingly portrayed. Flash backs I found jarring but I think that was a good thing. The change in font and narration style take you away from...
This tragic tale is set inside the head of a man destroyed by guilt. It is a place that only a writer can go and it takes a strong imaginative writer to make it convincing. It is pulled off well and the grief and guilt of the father is touchingly portrayed. Flash backs I found jarring but I think that was a good thing. The change in font and narration style take you away from the internal world and into reality. The story reveals its self as it progresses answering the questions it creates in the readers mind.
A tragedy well told.
read
I have to say I enjoyed this well written story from the beginning to the end. I only watch one war movie and that was saving private Rayon. Reading your script I can see myself watching it at the movies. I felt it was very Interesting, and a great pace to all the terrific action scenes. Tiger and Thorne, we’re really excellent characters, great job. I did fell there...
I have to say I enjoyed this well written story from the beginning to the end. I only watch one war movie and that was saving private Rayon. Reading your script I can see myself watching it at the movies. I felt it was very Interesting, and a great pace to all the terrific action scenes. Tiger and Thorne, we’re really excellent characters, great job. I did fell there were to many, but yet, I followed the story well. I felt like Lugosy was another great character, with all his insects and butterflies and all. All I can say is a good story and one excellent job. Some how I knew at the end Thorne would end up with Tiger. I wish you the best on your story.I have to say I enjoyed this well written story from the beginning to the end. I only watch one war movie and that was saving private Rayon. Reading your script I can see myself watching it at the movies. I felt it was very Interesting, and a great pace to all the terrific action scenes. Tiger and Thorne, we’re really excellent characters, great job. I did fell there were to many, but yet, I followed the story well. I felt like Lugosy was another great character, with all his insects and butterflies and all. All I can say is a good story and one excellent job. So
read
The major element in this screenplay is mood. Mood in the sea. Mood in the characters. Mood in the small town. It all seems to fit together in a story about a brooding, lonely woman caught in a town by the sea, and longs to escape. I loved the visual image of Kate taking up watch on the beach and looking out to sea. In the end, I was wishing that you would end the story with...
The major element in this screenplay is mood. Mood in the sea. Mood in the characters. Mood in the small town. It all seems to fit together in a story about a brooding, lonely woman caught in a town by the sea, and longs to escape. I loved the visual image of Kate taking up watch on the beach and looking out to sea. In the end, I was wishing that you would end the story with Kate on the beach looking out to the same dark sea and hoping for another man to return to her embrace. Thus, creating a bookend sort of effect. I guess the Cuba thing works as well. You also present some tiny details that really capture the essence of a small town. For example, Fred working on a truck, sees Kate and Pete and wonders? This kind of images and detail and mood in the whole story brought back memories of lonely and lanquid films like the Summer of 42, and others.
War does have a profound effect on all characters, even the cop, Roy, who is dodging the war. And you show it again in the young boy, leaving Beth as Tom once left Kate. And in Sarah, too, who lost her own husband and busts Kate's chops to marry Roy and move on with life.
Your hook is even done in mood. When you think of a screenplay with heavy doses of mood, you think of a slow, plodding novel or screenplay. In this case, the story has good pace and enough intrigue to carry us through to the dramatic conclusion in Act III on the very dark sea in the opening. I found myself thinking that you might explain how Tom is missing in Act I and II. Not until page 43 do we learn that he is missing and himself lost at sea. But, this too, I suppose fuels our intrique in the story. I don't know much about this time era, but I think I recall how Japan and Germany did have secret subs floating around our shores?
I don't have much to share in improvement of the story. I enjoyed the ride and can see how you got your blue star. Good luck.
TYPOS:
Page 68--dressed a (in a) Nazi Officer's. . .
read
Hello!
I'll split the review into two parts -
STRUCTURE - Format was all over the place. Took me out of the story immediately right from page one being on the title page and FADEIN: not FADE IN:
Descriptions of characters with no indication of their age.
Giving character background info in action lines that viewer cannot see. Example, "Cody has ten films to his credit..."...
Hello!
I'll split the review into two parts -
STRUCTURE - Format was all over the place. Took me out of the story immediately right from page one being on the title page and FADEIN: not FADE IN:
Descriptions of characters with no indication of their age.
Giving character background info in action lines that viewer cannot see. Example, "Cody has ten films to his credit...".
Parenthetical's (Should be used to indicate emotion or a slight bit of action. Not sentences of action) way too many.
ANGLES, if you must use them tell reader from where Up/Down/Over shoulder/etc...??? CUT you mean CUT TO: I assume? Either way you don't need it.
You introduce our protagonist on pg 4 as SCOT RAWLING'S, in unfinished parenthetical's you tell the reader he's SONNY to his friends (that should be shown). Later, other characters refer to him as SCOTT with two T's. Grammar mistake? Some action scenes read like a shooting script, if that what this was it wasn't indicated.
Other format errors, CONTINUES, PHONE CONVERSATIONS, NO INT/EXT AT BEGINNING OF SCENES, and unfortunately many more. Did you use a screenwriting software? Comparing this script with available professional scripts or scripts on TS may be able to help. I may come off harsh, but trying to figure out format shouldn't ever be what a reader has to do. We just want the story.
STORY - Sonny the aging actor wants a comeback to the glory days of his career or does he? Okay, how old is Scott? When he's introduced his age isn't mentioned only a description.
From pg 6 to 9 Cody is talking and only mentions Scott twice. Nothing happen to move the story here.
Sonny has a conflict with Cody about the Indian part which is a little hard to believe since he took the part. We should see more conflict with the script before the shoot. Maybe Cody lied about changes and Sonny confronts him?
From pg 26 to 29 the acting scene between Sonny and Joe I thought was too long it stopped the story.
Pg 49 Girl enters, why not call her Melissa from the start? Is she a hooker or an actress first? I never quite got what she was doing in Hollywood. Sonny and Melissa are together for 14 straight pages. He seems to fall for her a little too easy.
Just a note, Alex enters carrying a try of cookies, later in the same seen Sonny is offered a tray of scrambled eggs.
Sonny never seems to be hurting enough. If he had money problems, a mortgage, or medical debts for his mother we could see desperation for his need to work.
(SPOILERS) Final scene were Sonny sees his father, I thought he let him off too easily. Years of no contact, not attending wife's funeral, and he gets a hug? There is more drama there I hope you explore.
Summation - You put The Prodigal up to be read so give the reader an easy read. If someone sees flawed format they'll drop the assignment and you won't get the best critiques.
Pick one major conflict for Sonny and stick with it, be it Robbie, his missing father, or Melissa. Make him fight to keep a relationship even if he loses his career. Because in the end when fans stop recognizing him he'll want to come home to someone not an empty house.
THANKS
read
Believe me, I temper my reviews for the genre I'm looking at. I don't hold action scripts accountable to the same standards of "plausibility" or "character development" as I would a serious character driven drama. There's a place for movies that are, in the end, completely ridiculous. However, this script still doesn't make the grade. There is no reason for this contest...
Believe me, I temper my reviews for the genre I'm looking at. I don't hold action scripts accountable to the same standards of "plausibility" or "character development" as I would a serious character driven drama. There's a place for movies that are, in the end, completely ridiculous. However, this script still doesn't make the grade. There is no reason for this contest to exist in the first place. Now, I won't throw the "believability" noose around your neck...I know this isn't that kind of story. But absolutely no motivation whatsoever is supplied to show why the evil puppetmasters set up the contest in the first place, other than the fact they're "evil" and "crazy". But really, that isn't enough. The treasure hunt is almost a plot idea from a kid's movie (and this certainly isn't one of those). Almost everyone who ends up killing someone seems to do it out of nowhere...people might kill out of desperation, but they don't commit ritualistic, sadistic murder out of nowhere. Case in point: Skyler. She goes from quiet, to killing Danny with serial killer-like sadism. Perhaps this was always meant to be a "B", which is fine, but it's not even there yet.
read
The black face thing remains flattly unfunny. Interest wanes right from the git go. There may be some huge irony that is delightfully disguised in some complex Freudian theme. If there is such a theme it eludes even the most careful re examination, so what can one say? A "BIDDER" PILL
This plays big, like a feature in a theater. And to top it off it was made in just over 48 hours? Impressive! So many elements to this hit their mark - costumes, location, wonderful score, solid performances. Very large group of people in your credit list - Julie deserves commendation for keeping everything and everyone focused for 24 hours. That had to be daunting. Good work...
This plays big, like a feature in a theater. And to top it off it was made in just over 48 hours? Impressive! So many elements to this hit their mark - costumes, location, wonderful score, solid performances. Very large group of people in your credit list - Julie deserves commendation for keeping everything and everyone focused for 24 hours. That had to be daunting. Good work in the edit with excellent continuity, nothing beats having two cameras. Jeff's score is just perfect, a sound straight from Bonanza or any good John Wayne western. I liked the sound design as well, some funny twangs for effect in places. Good work with shot selection, specifically the varied farm animal shots - they add a lot of dimension and comedy. The big duel was a tad bit anti-climactic, I wanted to see those girls covered in tomatoes but it's a small personal quibble (lol). The multi timing (not just girls but boys and species!) cowboy's speech after he stopped the duel was well written and funny. Great looking web compression. Professional looking and entertaining - nice job to the AF prod team.
read
I have absolutely no idea how the title of the story is relevant, but I DON'T CARE. To Hunt a Bumblebee is a fun, fast-paced, action-packed story, with clever dialogue and interesting twists! As I read, as the characters developed, I began casting the movie in my mind. From beginning to end, I was totally hooked.
Only a couple criticisms: The wrap-up of Marie's story line...
I have absolutely no idea how the title of the story is relevant, but I DON'T CARE. To Hunt a Bumblebee is a fun, fast-paced, action-packed story, with clever dialogue and interesting twists! As I read, as the characters developed, I began casting the movie in my mind. From beginning to end, I was totally hooked.
Only a couple criticisms: The wrap-up of Marie's story line was a bit weak. I get that Michael was running from his past again, but, being that they were "best mates", some elaboration (at least regarding what the note said) would have been nice. Moreover, I never fully understood what it was that Michael saw that was so incriminating. He saw the four men talking and entering a building, but, if there was more to it than that, I missed it. Also, I think the scene transitions could use a bit more attention. Everything seemed to flow well, but cleaner transitions might "pretty up" the film in the readers mind.
Structurally, I think this script is spot on. I had a blast reading it and hope it is someday produced. Great work!
read
The premise is okay. I like the voice over setting up the premise, but the line "I may be color blind, but . . ." is hokey. The video image quality is poor. I like the musical score. I like the scene driving down the road, but only to a point. At first it built anticipation and curiosity about what would happen next. But it became too long to hold my interest. Stopping...
The premise is okay. I like the voice over setting up the premise, but the line "I may be color blind, but . . ." is hokey. The video image quality is poor. I like the musical score. I like the scene driving down the road, but only to a point. At first it built anticipation and curiosity about what would happen next. But it became too long to hold my interest. Stopping at the trash bin to dispose of the plastic bag and then to retrieve it detracts and makes no sense. The sound effect (muffled voice of the child?) when the camera panned to the gun on the front seat was a good idea, because the scene needed something more. It would have been better though if the sound were more intelligible. I like the technique of showing the Mexican standoff and not resolving what happens until the following scene. The camera shot of the blood oozing from the gunshot wound was good, but too long. Reducing the length of the driving and oozing scenes would have improved the pace. However, shortening the driving scene might mean you would need to add something - maybe a scene depicting the gunfighters just before they appear in the doorway.
read
I'm a spanish writer so i'll try my best in english writing... A well written script. Descriptions are short and evocative, so you can get in the mood of the scene in a easy way. First act is pretty well setted up, but I think the openning scene is not necessary: it reveals thinks we don't need to know (I mean the cardinal could be unrevelaed creating the doubt at the end:...
I'm a spanish writer so i'll try my best in english writing... A well written script. Descriptions are short and evocative, so you can get in the mood of the scene in a easy way. First act is pretty well setted up, but I think the openning scene is not necessary: it reveals thinks we don't need to know (I mean the cardinal could be unrevelaed creating the doubt at the end: is the father, the angel, the cardinal...?). the power of Jacinta on second act needs a setting up. The angel is a big surprise but is poor as a character. It seems like an object without doing anything in all script. We don't know almost anything about him (and it has been chained and studied for 900 years!!) Samil is another character I found a little bit "soft". Well, not the character but his relationship with Nathaniel. I think this script has a great conflict: son against father. Their relationship could be deeper and it's concluded so quickly. Third act could be reforced with a big moment between them. In fact, Nathaniel's interior conflict is to know who is him, to carrie on or to run away from the Baxter family secret ... Anyway, a good structure and a enjoyable reading! Congratulations!
read
This script was fun, enjoyable and really funny for such a shitty story (sorry couldn’t help it).
You get the story started quickly, efficiently with dramatic impact and a style that keeps the pages turning.
You should remove the unfilmable descriptions like ‘is a senior at Martin College and the star of their award-winning show choir”, I know you’ve probably heard it before,...
This script was fun, enjoyable and really funny for such a shitty story (sorry couldn’t help it).
You get the story started quickly, efficiently with dramatic impact and a style that keeps the pages turning.
You should remove the unfilmable descriptions like ‘is a senior at Martin College and the star of their award-winning show choir”, I know you’ve probably heard it before, but they’re the only negatives thus far on your otherwise awesome writing style, so they stand out.
Good dramatic exposition of Claire’s situation, very economically shown.
“Get lost sparkle tits” I’m loving these one-liners.
Why don’t the parasites just eat the beef?
On page 24 Claire’s brief explanation of her stomach problem doesn’t seem to make sense since Joe works at the clinic and should probably already know about it.
Claire’s knife skills seem to come out of nowhere, might help if you showed her earlier slicing up food with mad ginsu skills or something.
Claire’s dialogue immediately after she slays the parasite that killed Will, about the bugs trying to kill them, seems out of place for her character, seems she should be more concerned or even freaked over Will’s death.
Think it’ll be more effective to just show Isaiah puking and crying at the same time.
On page 80 Joe’s “Wow! That was intense” line seems a little out of place.
Just a thought, maybe have Joe and Clair switch places with Wyatt and Isaiah, that would up the stakes and make it so the heroes are the ones involved in the expensive SUV ditching stunt for more dramatic impact.
Not a huge fan of the ending, was hoping to see the coverup exposed and the Higrow execs hand cuffed and carted away.
This was a really enjoyable read though and excellent writing, best of luck.
read
