Reviews
When you have a job with the lowest orders of society you must remember who they are and more importantly who you are!
The story is about a man being beaten to death. He wronged the wrong guy who later recognized him and the beating was on.
A story that is a little bit confusing in that it wasn't streight forward in giving information. The essential elements were fed to the...
When you have a job with the lowest orders of society you must remember who they are and more importantly who you are!
The story is about a man being beaten to death. He wronged the wrong guy who later recognized him and the beating was on.
A story that is a little bit confusing in that it wasn't streight forward in giving information. The essential elements were fed to the reader in drops instead of a smooth stream. I don't particurally like to work this hard to make sense of a story.
The story line is told during a life threatening beating and was appropreate for this type of setting. The writing was rich the English department would approve but I still don't like to work this hard to get the facts about a story.
read
I am not sure what to say about this one because the main character did not seem to have any real personality or any redeeming qualities.
Even though in the end he at least got the girl he was driving home and got her to the couch, I was half expecting the story to end with him being in a world of problems when she was found dead from a concussion the next day.
In fact I...
I am not sure what to say about this one because the main character did not seem to have any real personality or any redeeming qualities.
Even though in the end he at least got the girl he was driving home and got her to the couch, I was half expecting the story to end with him being in a world of problems when she was found dead from a concussion the next day.
In fact I think that may have been (be) a great direction to take the story. When a character is a jerk a little karma sure can bring the story around full circle and offer a chance to redeem the character and even garner him or her some sympathy.
It is a great start at a great story that could be adapted into a great screenplay with a little work.
read
The short definitely has a good production values. It looks neat sleek and professional. Including the credits. The opening CLOSE-UPS however, do not really point towards the main theme, literally or metaphorically, as they should.
To me, the story itself also lacks a sufficient visual impact to match its high technical value. It seem too talky; "Are you the best? Are you...
The short definitely has a good production values. It looks neat sleek and professional. Including the credits. The opening CLOSE-UPS however, do not really point towards the main theme, literally or metaphorically, as they should.
To me, the story itself also lacks a sufficient visual impact to match its high technical value. It seem too talky; "Are you the best? Are you really the very best?" - on and on. It seemed quite overdone.
Besides, why would he need to be the best? Why not just someone who kills for the pleasure of it?
Didn't get the jail scene either. And why have it after the closing credits?
Sorry if I missed something crucial there, but I don't think that a second viewing should be considered to GET a point of a short.
Perhaps if the dialogue was much shorter and more subtle, the whole story would benefit.
One more thing: Why the choice of reptilian eyes to indicate the other-worldly origins of the 'stranger'? It's more suited to the 'alien' theme. Maybe just 'glowing spheres' in place of eyes, would fit the situation better.
But hey! All of this is only one man's opinion.
Regardless of the above rumbling, the short is still a quit good piece.
Good luck with it.
read
The only thing this script has going for it is the idea of a vampire versus a werewolf, and this never actually happens. It's supposedly a story about a young man, Layton, on his way to someone who knows how to kill him in order to end his werewolfing ways. 1. No obstacles pop up to stop Layton from his goal. He meets up with some adventures, but none actually threaten to stop...
The only thing this script has going for it is the idea of a vampire versus a werewolf, and this never actually happens. It's supposedly a story about a young man, Layton, on his way to someone who knows how to kill him in order to end his werewolfing ways. 1. No obstacles pop up to stop Layton from his goal. He meets up with some adventures, but none actually threaten to stop him. 2. He doesn't seem all that concerned about ending his life, it just happens to be something he's doing, like he's going to buy milk. He's not anxious at all, and if he doesn't care, why should we? 3. All the action gets bumped into flashbacks, and where the action should be out in the open we get a lot of talking, chats saying exactly what we're about to see in the flashbacks. The story would have been better if it had been put in a linear fashion. For example a better beginning would have been the whole hospital and death of the sister scene. 4. Layton, the protagonist, has nothing to do with the climax! He's tied down and blacked out during the big end confrontation, rescued by other people. A big no-no.5. The twists are silly. And the end one concerning Layton's father (all telekentics wear orange shoes? Yeesh.) is utterly ridiculous.
read
The synopsis for this script really drew me in. And the first act paid off on that. But then, in the second, as the action drifted away from Spider to other characters, I lost interest. The script wraps up well enough. But that second act is just a killer. If you could somehow compress all of the action to make the whole script Spider's one night on the town, that would be...
The synopsis for this script really drew me in. And the first act paid off on that. But then, in the second, as the action drifted away from Spider to other characters, I lost interest. The script wraps up well enough. But that second act is just a killer. If you could somehow compress all of the action to make the whole script Spider's one night on the town, that would be something fun to watch. As it is, there are just too many asides and I'm left wondering what it's all about. It should be stated that you've got some seriously top notch dialogue here. And the characters are great. I loved Baby Monster. But you need more. You need a story.
read
I always cut historical dramas a lot of slack, because I don't think people should learn their history from the movies. I expect historical stories to take liberties with the facts in the service of creating great entertainment. Nowhere is this more brilliantly accomplished than in Tarantino's "Inglorious Basterds." That being said, I found this script to be, if not the worst,...
I always cut historical dramas a lot of slack, because I don't think people should learn their history from the movies. I expect historical stories to take liberties with the facts in the service of creating great entertainment. Nowhere is this more brilliantly accomplished than in Tarantino's "Inglorious Basterds." That being said, I found this script to be, if not the worst, then one of the worst scripts of the more than 820 I've read and reviewed on this site.
Starting with Hess himself, this is not the kind of person I would build a screenplay around. I can understand doing stories about Hitler, because he was a larger than life historical figure and evil personified. The only reason Hess rose to become Hitler's deputy was because he was a sycophantic lapdog, and a psychotic one at that. He never did anything worthy of making himself the center of a script, except to parachute into southern Scotland to negotiate a non-existent peace treaty with the British. The notion that Alfred Horn (the name Hess gave his British captors) was a real person might've worked if you were doing a psyochlogical character study of a fictional garden variety schizophrenic. But in this context, it comes off as absurd and pointless. Worse, it lends sympathy to an historical character who is totally undeserving of any.
The mechanics of this script are a total disaster. The sentence structure of both your action lines and dialogue are convoluted to the point of being almost incoherent. I apologize if English is not your first language, but if it isn't you need to enlist the aid of a native English speaker to clean it up. If English is your first language, then shame on you for writing something so illiterate. Your description is peppered with misused words, poor syntax, bad grammar and too many character internals. If your description contains anything that an audience can't see or hear (such as thoughts and feelings), it doesn't belong. Similarly, your dialogue is overly expository, on the nose, and stilted. At one point Kennedy actually says "There is such much I do not understand." That makes two of us.
Your story structure, such as it is, is meandering and episodic. None of the scenes seemed to be setting anything up or building to an inevitable climax. It was like you randomly picked things to show us, then moved on to something else. The characters' relationship to Hitler was bizarre. These people would never refer to him as Adolf. Anyone reading this would never know he was the chancellor of Germany. Putting his vacation home at a concentration camp was the height of ridiculousness. I've been to Hitler's vacation home. It's on a mountaintop in Austria, and like any good vacation home, there are few reminders of the real world below. Hess never killed his father or sister. Bormann survived the war, and most likely died in South America. Hess never went to England before the war. The fact that you suddenly switched from Hess to Horn in Spandau was bizarre and confusing. Until the very end I just thought it was a typo.
I wish I could offer you something to build on, but I honestly could not find one thing of value in this script. I could go through everything that's wrong with this script page by page, but then this review would be as long as the script itself. Sorry.
read
It's a premise we recognize: a seasoned cop is supposed to retire, but duty calls. It's an engaging story, with a lot of great detail and momentum. As per usual, I'll start with a page-by-page critique and follow those up with some last thoughts.
Opening: The whole tense-police-situation into practical joke scene is fun, but somewhat confusing. We get a good sense of the characters,...
It's a premise we recognize: a seasoned cop is supposed to retire, but duty calls. It's an engaging story, with a lot of great detail and momentum. As per usual, I'll start with a page-by-page critique and follow those up with some last thoughts.
Opening: The whole tense-police-situation into practical joke scene is fun, but somewhat confusing. We get a good sense of the characters, but it did leave me wondering: why are they running training exercises with only veterans? And why on his last (or next to last) day?
Page 3 Typo: “as it coils” instead of “as is coils”
When one character's line is broken by action, but they keep talking, consider using a (CONT'D) after their character name on the line they continue with. It probably isn't a huge deal, but it can help with clarity. A good example of where this may help would be Amy and Shep's conversation on Page 13.
A really nice sense of detail with police procedure and a lot of specifics on locations. It's a great asset – and you do a great job of including it without letting it become distracting.
A dark thought, but it might be interesting to see how the characters react if the woman in the flooding tunnel does die. I'm not suggesting a rewrite, but it did make me wonder how the characters would react.
Page 35: I really like the dynamic here. Amy is such a strong character and she's still screaming. In my mind, I assumed she was screaming because she was scared Shep was going to hit a pedestrian mid-chase, not because of her own safety. But her grabbing the radio implies that she is scared. It's a fun part either way. I also really like that the chase, even though it's a car chase, doesn't just end there, and there's an on-foot part of it.
Page 37: I would be careful saying that backseat sex is Amy's 'element'. As much as it's hot, it implies that Amy's character is basically good at that, and anything else is secondary. And if you've got a female producer as a reader, you may end up sounding less sexy and more chauvinistic. The follow-up, with the two of them ending up locked in to the cruiser, is hilarious. It's really funny - I would consider the option of having it be less of a crowd spectacle and more between the two of them. I think the 'embarrassment' of Shep having to face his fellow cops is enough without a crowd and makes more sense.
Page 42: The details and specifics here really help and give you a great image. It is exciting, no doubt. The criticism is that this is a fairly sophisticated setup (IEDs, etc.), and as of right now we've met the antagonist approximately one and a half times. He's kind of a blank slate of craziness and the worry is that his character is just not developed enough for how important he's about to be to the story.
A cruel note, but how important is the dog? I feel like on the one hand, dogs are an important part of a bomb squad, and it's realistic - but on the other hand, Justice gets put out of commission so fast (which makes sense) that it's only fair to wonder if we need the dog at all. During the final attack, this is a more important character, but it's harder to believe because of the earlier injuries.
Page 50: Interesting and fun twist here. Definitely intriguing, seeing that this good-guy cop is flawed, and maybe very flawed. Of course, there's more to it – she's the cousin. It's a great setup – especially with the dialogue (“Are you sure this is what you want to do?”, etc.), but it does feel convenient. Like I said, it's a great twist, and very funny, but we wonder “why didn't she just bring him the ring?” etc. So it might need just a little tweaking to really go over perfectly.
Page 54: Possible typo: “Baxter: “. . . than I've had in uniform” instead of “than I have a uniform.”
Page 57: Again, the level of detail is working fantastically for you here, but wouldn't the antagonist have heard these explosions by now? And he's clearly super-prepared, so as Shep gets closer, it becomes more difficult to believe he wouldn't have some idea that he's coming based on those blasts.
Page 60: Nice situation here, where she's not giving the whole truth, trying to be romantic, and he takes that as an opening to work more. It really helps explain how their marriage got to the breaking point it's at.
Page 70: Resnick is scary, no doubt. But he still feels a bit flat at this point. We know he's insane, we know he's mad at getting fired (and who doesn't hate manipulative corporate executives), but we don't know why this specific man would go this far or why we should care. Shooting Trent over John is a great moment, because it implies that maybe he values loyalty, and that he despises the kind of person that would turn a gun on a colleague, even though that's exactly what he's doing. But we need more implications like that to really care about this specific character, even if we hate him.
Page 78: I love the line about 'if they want us out, they'll have to call the cops'. I feel like the hundred cops standing vigil might be overkill – I mean, he's alive, it's not his funeral. Not yet.
Page 92: When Shep almost dies, gets shot through the hand, etc., Amy is inconsolable, completely devoted. But that's right before she leaves him, at least in “script time”.
Edwards is a tricky character here, because the more we like him (or don't hate him), the harder it is to believe that Resnick would obsessively single him out. The things that John and Trent said about corporate manipulation earlier become harder to believe, so the villain's vendetta becomes harder to believe. And what are the chances that Edwards would be Amy's new boyfriend?
Thus ends the page-based notes.
First of all, let me say that this was fun, well-structured, and had very nicely defined characters. You clearly have a very good grip on what makes a story work. The story has great sense of momentum, and a very nice pace. It's hard to be bored at any point in the story.
Because the script itself was so solid in so many ways, the criticisms detailed below are way more subjective. I wanted to say, before I got any farther, that I was really impressed with the script in general – before I got into the more nit-picky, vague notes. But here goes:
This script plays extremely well within ideas we've come to expect from Cop Stories, it doesn't do a lot to go beyond those expectations. Not to say there's anything wrong with doing a straight-up cop story – but – with so many screenplays circulating, you've got to have a way to really push your story to the top. I can tell from this script, and the list of other titles you've written, that you are a big fan of the genre, and you know your stuff. So my criticism is more of a question. What do you want to see that you genuinely have not seen before? It would be a big mistake for me to say, “Oh, look at this film or this idea, try something like that”, because I feel like you would already be familiar with it. I could compare it with 'Die Hard', but I could do that with any action script. In a nutshell, at times, this script felt like something we'd seen before. Not specific ideas, just general things. We've seen versions of this villain, this cop, this basic plot. And again, most stories are a newer take on an older idea. I only bring it up to say that, you clearly know your business – I would challenge you to explore these characters and ideas even further. Find more “what ifs?” that make you genuinely wonder how your characters would act, because you don't already have a reference point. Because that intrigue will get passed directly to the audience. There are plenty of new ideas here – the Bomb Squad instead of, say, Narcotics Agents, for instance - but I would look at going further.
Tone (what an impossible-to-define term that is) is also a big factor here. It's tough, at times, to nail down exactly what sort of tone this script is looking for. And I realize it's a terrible play on names, but the script seems caught between two Russells. In several parts, the script feels pulled right out of a 1990's cop movie with Shep as a sort of Kurt Russell, in others it feels more tempered, with less of a wink to the 90's, more of a Russell Crowe part. I'd say, either way is legitimate enough – pick one and go full-on in that direction, and own it.
And lastly, towards the end, it basic plot just gets harder to believe. From the divorce papers (if he dies without the divorce, won't she get more money from the life insurance company, and now she's legally a widow anyway) to the polygraph (which was a really cool concept but how in the world do you transfer that from person to person quickly?) to the villain (who finds out that the man he hates is actually just a decent-enough guy and newspaper sales are the real bad guy). That's a pretty harsh note for me to write, but I'm harsh mostly because you did such a good job building up to the ending.
All-in-all, a fun, exciting read with great momentum and distinct characters. And thanks for letting me read it.
read
He just wasn't cool enough. Buffy, he ain't. Not a bad job with editing, but the bad acting of the lead guy and the overall silly plot did not really impress me much. Black and white was a nice touch and super-fast play at times worked. Just work on the plot a little more next time and do a better job at casting, especially your lead roles.
Very enjoyable. First rate! The conflict between the "artiste" and the "vulgarian" was excellently written and excellently played. I can find no fault with this one. It has a good script, good actors, good crew, and a good time for the viewer. I wish every movie was this good.
After viewing this short film I've noticed some errors in filming this. The audio halfway through is cut (there is no audio) and I found it to be a bit confusing. In the vein of the "silent film era" I felt as if it was appropiate, but there was audio in the beginning sequence (the two robbers talking) and I was somewhat confused. It seemed like a great premise for a short...
After viewing this short film I've noticed some errors in filming this. The audio halfway through is cut (there is no audio) and I found it to be a bit confusing. In the vein of the "silent film era" I felt as if it was appropiate, but there was audio in the beginning sequence (the two robbers talking) and I was somewhat confused. It seemed like a great premise for a short film and I think that it would be much more authentic if "Red Balloon" was shot in the silent-era vein that cinema buffs have come to appreciate.
read
Technically this film is has a lot of problems. The sound levels are all over the place and the camera gets a few bumps here and there.
Creatively though, this film has a lot of problems. There's not much of a story, the film is shot almost entirely in full shots and only occasionaly moves in for a medium-full shot.
In terms of the story, there almost isn't one. The balloon...
Technically this film is has a lot of problems. The sound levels are all over the place and the camera gets a few bumps here and there.
Creatively though, this film has a lot of problems. There's not much of a story, the film is shot almost entirely in full shots and only occasionaly moves in for a medium-full shot.
In terms of the story, there almost isn't one. The balloon was a nice touch but at the same time seemed rather pointless.
read
At first I thought this was gonna be shite. But the insistant re appearance of large hairy B****CKS changed my mind entirely. This was f*ckin' hillarious! Would bring a tear to any general skeptic's eye. I can now go on with my life and stop wondering what the answer to all these questions that have mystified humanity since the dawn of times is. Thanks for the laugh guys!
I thought someone was finally going to exploit that fact that gorillas or one of the apes, can get it on with humans. Alas, that was not to be. This was cute, the characters lovable, but it didn’t have much sense though maybe a little internal logic, things just happened so fast, but then this is a movie so why not, a little monkeying around never hurt any one…did it?...
I thought someone was finally going to exploit that fact that gorillas or one of the apes, can get it on with humans. Alas, that was not to be. This was cute, the characters lovable, but it didn’t have much sense though maybe a little internal logic, things just happened so fast, but then this is a movie so why not, a little monkeying around never hurt any one…did it?
read
Funny, funny stuff happens here.
PLOT.
Good beginning. Money worries piling up.
Page 22. Jordon apologizes for robbing the store and then waits for the bus. Funny stuff.
Page 24. The dream about the police. Not so good because it’s only a dream not a real problem.
Page 34. Detective Cone appears. This seems late into the story to introduce a new character. Can you add her...
Funny, funny stuff happens here.
PLOT.
Good beginning. Money worries piling up.
Page 22. Jordon apologizes for robbing the store and then waits for the bus. Funny stuff.
Page 24. The dream about the police. Not so good because it’s only a dream not a real problem.
Page 34. Detective Cone appears. This seems late into the story to introduce a new character. Can you add her in at some point before this?
Page 35. Jordan robs the guy with the Porsche. This is a funny script.
Page 48. Another dream. These provide momentary tension but overall, pull your audience out of the story. Jordon has enough problems without this dreaming going on.
Page 50. The heart attack. What are the chances of that? Funny. Funny. Funny. If Jordon was hit by Jeff, though, wouldn’t he still have a black and blue eye? Or lip? So Bob would recognize him?
Page 79. Amber finds the money. This is trouble.
Page 91. Jordon takes the Detective to dinner. That’s a surprise twist.
Page 107. The final robbery. Jordon is hit and bleeding and now steals a car. This isn’t as scary as it could be because of the dream sequences you had in earlier. Your audience is waiting for Jordon to wake up any moment and realize this is only a dream.
Page 117. And everything ends happily. Except the ending is so unrealistic it ruins the story. Jordon is the hero, not Cone. Jordon is the one who has to figure out a way to get out of this mess to complete the story.
CHARACTERS
Jordon is a great character. Easy to feel sorry for because his life is going so badly. I never liked Amber as much, wished he’d end with the Detective instead of her.
DIALOGUE
Dialogue is good. Always short. Often very funny.
All in all, a funny script. You’ve got to figure out a better ending though. It’s a letdown after everything that goes on before that.
read
An interesting insight on a Wall Street situation that may have come about from the writer's own experience. Thomas does indeed paint an exciting picture of the opulance extant in the money capital of the world. Even his character, a Harvard graduate, did not anticipate the table-turning he got but apparantely was willing to accept his fate in a matter of fact almost 'flip'...
An interesting insight on a Wall Street situation that may have come about from the writer's own experience. Thomas does indeed paint an exciting picture of the opulance extant in the money capital of the world. Even his character, a Harvard graduate, did not anticipate the table-turning he got but apparantely was willing to accept his fate in a matter of fact almost 'flip' manner; High-Risk = High-Rewards and frequently = Harsh Penalties. Are adventures such as this...arrest and hand-cuffing...and prison a common occurance? Are we to believe that possibly decades in jail are merely the 'cost of doing business?' There might well have been a believability factor here that a polished Wall Street Banker could have failed to anticipated this scenario and not have made exit strategies. Am I wrong?
read
