Reviews
Your dialogue is good and your word usage is fantastic. However, Sci Fi/fantasy is so over done that there is big problems of writing cliches. It seems like you took some 50's saturday morning serials and made it into a movie. If the screenplay is made into a movie in this style then that is great. It would make a good genre film. It was an easy read. One major suggestion,...
Your dialogue is good and your word usage is fantastic. However, Sci Fi/fantasy is so over done that there is big problems of writing cliches. It seems like you took some 50's saturday morning serials and made it into a movie. If the screenplay is made into a movie in this style then that is great. It would make a good genre film. It was an easy read. One major suggestion, change all of the characters' names. Make them original.
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Wow. That was an interesting experience!
This is a really interesting concept for a film. I liked the general idea- the Think Tank, the change in perception, what is perception etc etc.
You do a good job with creating an image- I liked your descriptions and most of the dialogue works. Using "Mind" as a character works really well- it's nice to see the internal workings of...
Wow. That was an interesting experience!
This is a really interesting concept for a film. I liked the general idea- the Think Tank, the change in perception, what is perception etc etc.
You do a good job with creating an image- I liked your descriptions and most of the dialogue works. Using "Mind" as a character works really well- it's nice to see the internal workings of Dashiell verbalized.
It's decribed as a comedy, but this is VERY surreal. I don't know how other people would feel about it, but i found it very difficult to read and especially difficult to follow. There's a lot of jumping back and forth in time, which meant i had to re-read some scenes to keep the flow of the film in my head.
I think you've done a good job with this generally. I think the main thing you should think about is the structure. It's beyond an absurd comedy. The interaction of the characters is pretty well written, but sometimes i don't see any point to what's happening.
I'm a big fan of absurdism, especially for stage/theatre work. In this case however, I sometimes felt that it was a little TOO surreal. Is the idea that they're all affected by the Think Tank? The interaction between Lowell, Edith and Casey seems strange for the sake of being strange- am I missing something?
On the whole, I enjoyed reading it- like i said, I'm a fan of surreal stuff. In this case though, I felt that maybe you were just trying to BE absurd. I may be wrong- I'm certainly not a professional analyst- but for me this script was more like an experiment in circumstance. The characters have their own voices, but are still puppets for the scenario- they don't seem real in any way.
I'd definitely recommend that people read this- just in case I've missed the point!
Good luck with it!
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I see from your BIO that this is your first screenplay. Pretty damn impressive for a first effort. You obviously spent some time learning the craft along the way instead of just puking up something on the paper. That's a step ahead of many first efforts. On top of that, I think you have a nice style and voice and an imaginative story here.
This is not a novel, and you obviously...
I see from your BIO that this is your first screenplay. Pretty damn impressive for a first effort. You obviously spent some time learning the craft along the way instead of just puking up something on the paper. That's a step ahead of many first efforts. On top of that, I think you have a nice style and voice and an imaginative story here.
This is not a novel, and you obviously know that. You write in a clear, concise, active fashion. Most first efforts (or even 4th and 5th) exhibit a tendency to be too descriptive, but you seem to have put a lot of effort into being succinct. Good on you. There are some scattered mistakes in terms of grammar, an extra word here and there, an apostrophe where not needed, that kind of thing. Not enough to be distracting, but something you will want to do a full word by word check on at some point. The format itself looks a touch off in terms of top/bottom margins, and I did run across some strange bolding on occasion. You will want to correct that.
You use CONTINUOUS quite a bit when it is improper. Contrary to what many people think, it is not generally used to indicate that the time is unbroken, but rather to indicate the camera is unbroken, ie, it is following the subject. There is a lot of debate on this, but frankly, having worked with production companies, I can tell you with some confidence that you can simply avoid its use entirely and never get in trouble with it. Sticking with a simple DAY or NIGHT in scene headings works every time, and if needed, use an action line to specify any additional requirements time wise.
You open in 1986, according to your scene heading. There is no way for the viewer to know this, and additionally, since you later come to present day, you create age problems, because you don't have any idea when this will actually be made, or viewed. To overcome these problems, I would suggest using a SUPER: "18 Years Ago" (or whatever) at the opening scene, and then a SUPER: "Present Day" when you need it. This approach not only makes it clear what the time is to the viewer, but also maintains the time span effectively.
I like the insert of the crayon drawing. It indicates you have a good sense of using visuals to establish character, rather than just 'telling'. Good on you.
You can do better with the introduction of your primary characters. Terms such as handsome are frivolous. Everyone in movies is handsome unless otherwise noted. This is the one area where you are allowed to be a bit more verbose. Use this opportunity to give us some emotional description of the character. That will be useful in attracting actors to the role. Try and do this in as visual a style as you can.
p.4 The dialogue here between Jeff and Jill seems pedestrian, and some of it can be cut. Try and get to the meat of things as quickly as possible and then move on. I have a little problem understanding why Jeff is hiding this important part of his past from Jill, even to the point of pretending he doesn't even know anyone named Ashley. If you want to make this work as a point that triggers Jill's later anger and distrust, I think you need to work harder. Matt really paints himself into a corner here with this out and out lie. I don't understand why he would hide it, and certainly don't know why he would make some future confession so difficult by taking this route that gives him no way out. I think instead, some hint here that he is hiding something ultimately wo0rks better, though I really think you need to build a stronger reason for him hiding this at all. It was years ago. He's an adult now, and though he would obviously have suffered guilt over the years, that's part of what made him the person she fell in love with. I understand the point of this as a plot device. I just don't think it's particularly effective as is.
Also, just as a suggestion, I would consider changing names. Jeff and Jill are too close, and too many primary characters with short 4 letter names makes it harder to distinguish.
p.17 I'm not understanding why Stanley could get into trouble for taking pictures. He's a photographer isn't he? Fact is these papparazzi types, while a nuisance, have the legal right to do so, so I think you have to explain somehow how he goes over the line. Moreover, even if for some reason he could get into trouble, it makes no sense that he would tell Lisa that. Why would he willingly tell her she is in a position to blackmail him. Needs some work to be plausible. I was unable to find any instances where a photographer had been convicted of stalking simply for following someone and taking pictures.
Jimmy and Stanley got muddled in my mind throughout the work. I think they are too similar in too many ways. Jimmy is an ex-con on probation. Stanley has been in trouble. Both are fixated on Jill in various ways. Both serve as red herrings. I think your story can be made much cleaner by consolidating these characters.
General impressions and suggestions.
Reduce character count. Get rid of Jimmy or Stanley.
More focus on Jeff. This is his story right? Drive the story primarily from his perspective to give it greater focus and more depth to Jeff. Make us better understand and emphasize with him. I can't even remember what he does... Do we know his job and anything about him outside of his relationship with Jill? Make his goal clear and focus everything in the story around his pursuit of that goal. Same with Lisa. She can be made stronger in terms of her motivations. If she is going to go to the lengths of murder here, you need to make us believe she would, and make us understand why.
Read your dialogue out loud. Mommy and daddy? hmmm. While you are succinct in your descriptions, there is room to cut dialogue. Make sure you know the purpose of every scene, and get rid of anything that doesn't serve that purpose.
Overall, I much enjoyed the read, and I think you demonstrate a commitment to the craft and exhibit skill and talent. This is a breezy and fun read, and with some hard work and sharp focus, can be made an excellent script. As a first effort, it's quite good. Best of luck.
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It's hard to believe the author is a "newbie" at this. Granted, it's the third revision, but this is one of the more well-written scripts I've read so far on TS.
The Arrangement is a textbook romantic comedy, following a tried-and-true formula - Boy and girl bump into one another again just in time to avoid marrying the wrong person.
There's nothing new here, no twist on...
It's hard to believe the author is a "newbie" at this. Granted, it's the third revision, but this is one of the more well-written scripts I've read so far on TS.
The Arrangement is a textbook romantic comedy, following a tried-and-true formula - Boy and girl bump into one another again just in time to avoid marrying the wrong person.
There's nothing new here, no twist on the genre, but then again, why fix what ain't broken?
The cast of characters fits the genre nicely. The happy-go-lucky guy paired up with a dream girl who values him more as a pet project than for who he really is. The sweet girl whose overbearing mother continuously tries to pair her off with the most obnoxious suitor imaginable. The saucy girlfriend, the obnoxious buddy, the befuddled dad, the gang's all here.
There's one or two confusing things:
Rachel works 2 jobs? As secretary at Hillary's workplace, AND at the flower shop? Hillary doesn't seem to recognize her when Rachel delivers the flowers.
Also, Adam seems to know Rachel on page 25 when she dashes out with her trash, but then on page 36 in the flower shop, he's like blown away. I took this to mean that the first meeting she'd just woken up maybe, and then in the flower shop she was a little more gorgeous?
Ratings:
Concept: Good
Reviewer's tilt. It's a standard rom-com, executed very well. In this case, not messing with the formula is a good thing.
Story: Good
Again, standard but well executed.
Characters: Good
And AGAIN, standard but well executed. Little touches like the naughty little old ladies and Martha Stewart add to the fun.
Structure: Excellent
My one nit to pick would be that Adam kind of takes over for the finale, when Rachel has been the instigator throughout. I like it as is though.
Dialogue: Good
Characters speak believably without going to extremes to differentiate them. Nothing sounded off, or contrived.
Overall: Good
If you handed out an assignment to TS writers to take this kind of Rom-Com template and write a script, I don't know how many would do it as well as this.
This should be a SOM candidate.
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You’ve created a memorable script with “Patisserie.” The story is poignant and gives viewers a look into a sad history that existed many years ago but which still dominates our culture and sensibilities. You’ve made that backward look into a distressing time original, fresh, and painful. We grieve with Andre and Emilie. We rejoice that there is a neighbor like Durand who cares...
You’ve created a memorable script with “Patisserie.” The story is poignant and gives viewers a look into a sad history that existed many years ago but which still dominates our culture and sensibilities. You’ve made that backward look into a distressing time original, fresh, and painful. We grieve with Andre and Emilie. We rejoice that there is a neighbor like Durand who cares. Egger, the stereotypical drunken German, deserves to be shot, and when he is, we find ourselves hating the Nazi soldiers with even more vengeance.
You give us a script that shows Emilie fighting with herself over her guilt and Andre’s developing affection for the woman who cares for his son. The plot becomes a mystery. Will Andre ever find or see Mireille again? Will the Germans discover that Emilie is a Jew? Then finally, will Andre admit that Mireille is his wife or not? Those agonizing questions hang over the unfolding story and keep the viewer hooked to the end.
My compliments.
The dialogue seems natural for the time in which the story set. The setting seems realistic and of course, visually very French. That in itself would be interesting to film. There are many details a camera person would want to focus on in order to capture the sadness and irony of the story, for example,at the end, the lone plate with the three petits fours.
The only error I found was on page 106, when you have Emilie and Frederick “enter and stands before him” –should be “stand.” What a minor point/typo in an otherwise excellent script, a plot that leaves viewers with the haunting question of whose story is this in the end?
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This starts out as a good character piece, showing a developing hatred from one brother to another, but then it just loses it. From the introduction of the "witch", this got really bad. First off, nothing is ever really explained about the witch, which I guess is supposed to give a feeling of mystery, but ends up giving a feeling of "can't really explain this". Secondly,...
This starts out as a good character piece, showing a developing hatred from one brother to another, but then it just loses it. From the introduction of the "witch", this got really bad. First off, nothing is ever really explained about the witch, which I guess is supposed to give a feeling of mystery, but ends up giving a feeling of "can't really explain this". Secondly, jumping ahead in time by so much becomes intolerable, leaving no real room for empathy as far as the characters are concerned. What really ruined it for me though was when the story jumps into the supernatural "all of a sudden". It was like two different writers wrote half the story, hence the 'From Dusk 'Til Dawn' analogy, except that one was an entertaining story. The dark thinking in this story is my kind of imagination, though, and I don't think there are enough darker stories out there at the moment. It has a little potential, as long as a complete overhaul of the last act is done, and some loose ends are tied up a little better. One thing is for certain, that whole afterlife sequence has to go. Good effort, bad compilation.
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this story interested me but the more i read the more it sounded like hocus pocus with a few changes. i did not care for some of the words you used to describe some scenes like "cum in my pants" the cursinging in the dialog was a bit much but it fit and i could see where you could use it. I think it should be redone and lengthened adding more description and more about the...
this story interested me but the more i read the more it sounded like hocus pocus with a few changes. i did not care for some of the words you used to describe some scenes like "cum in my pants" the cursinging in the dialog was a bit much but it fit and i could see where you could use it. I think it should be redone and lengthened adding more description and more about the main charecters. keep trying you will get there
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I went through this script pretty quickly. It was an easy read. Your descriptions and actions lines were pretty concise. There were some times they could have been cut down though.
The story was shaping up pretty well. The first heist gave hints into Brogan's character as a nice guy just trying to get by. However I was off-put by the fact that he beat up Von and then went...
I went through this script pretty quickly. It was an easy read. Your descriptions and actions lines were pretty concise. There were some times they could have been cut down though.
The story was shaping up pretty well. The first heist gave hints into Brogan's character as a nice guy just trying to get by. However I was off-put by the fact that he beat up Von and then went back inside to call an ambulance for the old man. Especially as a professional. This would only waste time and increase the chances of him getting caught.
So I'm starting to see the o'l damsel in distress situation. Rough and tough guy risks his life, etc etc. However I didn't feel like their relationship was built up enough. He has breakfast and dinner there a few times. They talk. He intervenes, goes to her apartment and gets the crap beat out of him. I enjoyed his back and forth banter with the corrupt cops.
All the pieces of this pretty formulaic story is coming into place. I know Von is a bit dimwitted, but I dont understand why he'd go all the way there just to harass Brogan just because he was bored. And Brogan enlists him so easily?
We head to the gangster compound. Everyone one but Capella, her son and Brogan dies. They leave. Then get married? This really came out of left field. I pictured Brogan as a tough guy with nothing to lose to finally throw in all his chips for this lady as some kind of tariff to God. Not to win over some random waitresses heart.
I would have loved if he just sacrificed himself. Think Clint Eastwood in Gran Tarino. But it just completely broke his character for me. The story could have ended right there with Brogan dying after saving them. Then cut to the sandwich shop that Capella opens. END.
But alas, the story continued. Brogan becomes a car salesman, married. He then robs a house and in the middle of his heist HE PICKS UP HIS PHONE. No professional criminal EVER does this. Not just that, he then starts flirting with his wife.
He walks out and is just shot by Lovejoy. Some guy that was BARELY mentioned and we're given barely any background on his motivation. Our hero is just killed.
and then HE is shot by Dimes. I completely lost track what was going on at this point, and even in the end I don't know why either of them were shot. Was it shocking? yes. In a good way? not really.
Now here are just some random notes I took.
-The scene where the teenager beats up the other was just.. random? and the comment from Dimes was more off-putting. "go pick on someone your own size?". like THAT hasn't been said a thousand times before. The scene didn't really serve a purpose.
-I didn't understand Lem's motivation to get his family back.
-pg 58 The "goddamn hippies" comment felt so out of place. Brogan wasn't in anyway ever described as being anywhere close to being a hippie.
-87.Why was it necessary to point out that it was the "first time in the film, they shake hands"
-91 how do we know the man who shot Brogan is bald if hes wearing a balaclava?
-94 It's redundant to have Brogan say he's Lovejoy when the following line clearly says he's lovejoy.
I honestly enjoyed the story and character up to the climax of the 2nd act and the 3rd act. Brogan had a Josh Brolin, Eastwood feel to him. The story may have been formulaic but it works. But it all just went downhill.
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Miracle$, like a failed cocktail, has either too many ingredients, or the right ingredients but in the wrong amounts. How do you write a 120 page satire, with the first 116 pages poking fun at man's seemingly naive, even dumb, love affair with God and Miracles, and the last 4 proving God exists, after all? To me, you can't... you can't have it both ways. You either stick...
Miracle$, like a failed cocktail, has either too many ingredients, or the right ingredients but in the wrong amounts. How do you write a 120 page satire, with the first 116 pages poking fun at man's seemingly naive, even dumb, love affair with God and Miracles, and the last 4 proving God exists, after all? To me, you can't... you can't have it both ways. You either stick to your cynical, satirical atheistic guns, or you approach the subject matter from more of a "believer's" perspective. By the way, I kind of knew early on, but prayed I was wrong, that Liz would sprout some real wings before it was over.
As for those first 116 pages...
The premise, though a bit far-fetched, is not without its merits. Re-kindling man's faith in God to help prop up failing religious institutions, leaves a lot of room for politically incorrect humor. Lots of the dialogue drips with sarcasm and funny one-liners. Chris is well-drawn, Barry is a scream, the movie-set shenanigans quite funny. The supporting roles are many, maybe too many, but they're okay. It's the chemistry between Chris and Liz that, for me, falls flat. I'm sure her being an Angel has a lot to do with their G-rated relationship. Interesting, that the R-rated language is not as discomfiting.
The script, at 120 pages, is a little too long. Some of the FX might be trimmed to reduce the count. Also, there are some typos and spelling mistakes sprinkled here and there that need to be corrected.
I really like the idea and think it can work... to refute man's belief in God. If your goal is to show support for deism, then for me, you'd have to find another way to go.
Those first 116 pages, by the way, contain some great lines and interesting ideas. It oozes with a kind of sophisticated cynicism considered way too controversial for mainstream cinema.
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The only thing this script has going for it is the idea of a vampire versus a werewolf, and this never actually happens. It's supposedly a story about a young man, Layton, on his way to someone who knows how to kill him in order to end his werewolfing ways. 1. No obstacles pop up to stop Layton from his goal. He meets up with some adventures, but none actually threaten to stop...
The only thing this script has going for it is the idea of a vampire versus a werewolf, and this never actually happens. It's supposedly a story about a young man, Layton, on his way to someone who knows how to kill him in order to end his werewolfing ways. 1. No obstacles pop up to stop Layton from his goal. He meets up with some adventures, but none actually threaten to stop him. 2. He doesn't seem all that concerned about ending his life, it just happens to be something he's doing, like he's going to buy milk. He's not anxious at all, and if he doesn't care, why should we? 3. All the action gets bumped into flashbacks, and where the action should be out in the open we get a lot of talking, chats saying exactly what we're about to see in the flashbacks. The story would have been better if it had been put in a linear fashion. For example a better beginning would have been the whole hospital and death of the sister scene. 4. Layton, the protagonist, has nothing to do with the climax! He's tied down and blacked out during the big end confrontation, rescued by other people. A big no-no.5. The twists are silly. And the end one concerning Layton's father (all telekentics wear orange shoes? Yeesh.) is utterly ridiculous.
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The synopsis for this script really drew me in. And the first act paid off on that. But then, in the second, as the action drifted away from Spider to other characters, I lost interest. The script wraps up well enough. But that second act is just a killer. If you could somehow compress all of the action to make the whole script Spider's one night on the town, that would be...
The synopsis for this script really drew me in. And the first act paid off on that. But then, in the second, as the action drifted away from Spider to other characters, I lost interest. The script wraps up well enough. But that second act is just a killer. If you could somehow compress all of the action to make the whole script Spider's one night on the town, that would be something fun to watch. As it is, there are just too many asides and I'm left wondering what it's all about. It should be stated that you've got some seriously top notch dialogue here. And the characters are great. I loved Baby Monster. But you need more. You need a story.
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I always cut historical dramas a lot of slack, because I don't think people should learn their history from the movies. I expect historical stories to take liberties with the facts in the service of creating great entertainment. Nowhere is this more brilliantly accomplished than in Tarantino's "Inglorious Basterds." That being said, I found this script to be, if not the worst,...
I always cut historical dramas a lot of slack, because I don't think people should learn their history from the movies. I expect historical stories to take liberties with the facts in the service of creating great entertainment. Nowhere is this more brilliantly accomplished than in Tarantino's "Inglorious Basterds." That being said, I found this script to be, if not the worst, then one of the worst scripts of the more than 820 I've read and reviewed on this site.
Starting with Hess himself, this is not the kind of person I would build a screenplay around. I can understand doing stories about Hitler, because he was a larger than life historical figure and evil personified. The only reason Hess rose to become Hitler's deputy was because he was a sycophantic lapdog, and a psychotic one at that. He never did anything worthy of making himself the center of a script, except to parachute into southern Scotland to negotiate a non-existent peace treaty with the British. The notion that Alfred Horn (the name Hess gave his British captors) was a real person might've worked if you were doing a psyochlogical character study of a fictional garden variety schizophrenic. But in this context, it comes off as absurd and pointless. Worse, it lends sympathy to an historical character who is totally undeserving of any.
The mechanics of this script are a total disaster. The sentence structure of both your action lines and dialogue are convoluted to the point of being almost incoherent. I apologize if English is not your first language, but if it isn't you need to enlist the aid of a native English speaker to clean it up. If English is your first language, then shame on you for writing something so illiterate. Your description is peppered with misused words, poor syntax, bad grammar and too many character internals. If your description contains anything that an audience can't see or hear (such as thoughts and feelings), it doesn't belong. Similarly, your dialogue is overly expository, on the nose, and stilted. At one point Kennedy actually says "There is such much I do not understand." That makes two of us.
Your story structure, such as it is, is meandering and episodic. None of the scenes seemed to be setting anything up or building to an inevitable climax. It was like you randomly picked things to show us, then moved on to something else. The characters' relationship to Hitler was bizarre. These people would never refer to him as Adolf. Anyone reading this would never know he was the chancellor of Germany. Putting his vacation home at a concentration camp was the height of ridiculousness. I've been to Hitler's vacation home. It's on a mountaintop in Austria, and like any good vacation home, there are few reminders of the real world below. Hess never killed his father or sister. Bormann survived the war, and most likely died in South America. Hess never went to England before the war. The fact that you suddenly switched from Hess to Horn in Spandau was bizarre and confusing. Until the very end I just thought it was a typo.
I wish I could offer you something to build on, but I honestly could not find one thing of value in this script. I could go through everything that's wrong with this script page by page, but then this review would be as long as the script itself. Sorry.
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It's a premise we recognize: a seasoned cop is supposed to retire, but duty calls. It's an engaging story, with a lot of great detail and momentum. As per usual, I'll start with a page-by-page critique and follow those up with some last thoughts.
Opening: The whole tense-police-situation into practical joke scene is fun, but somewhat confusing. We get a good sense of the characters,...
It's a premise we recognize: a seasoned cop is supposed to retire, but duty calls. It's an engaging story, with a lot of great detail and momentum. As per usual, I'll start with a page-by-page critique and follow those up with some last thoughts.
Opening: The whole tense-police-situation into practical joke scene is fun, but somewhat confusing. We get a good sense of the characters, but it did leave me wondering: why are they running training exercises with only veterans? And why on his last (or next to last) day?
Page 3 Typo: “as it coils” instead of “as is coils”
When one character's line is broken by action, but they keep talking, consider using a (CONT'D) after their character name on the line they continue with. It probably isn't a huge deal, but it can help with clarity. A good example of where this may help would be Amy and Shep's conversation on Page 13.
A really nice sense of detail with police procedure and a lot of specifics on locations. It's a great asset – and you do a great job of including it without letting it become distracting.
A dark thought, but it might be interesting to see how the characters react if the woman in the flooding tunnel does die. I'm not suggesting a rewrite, but it did make me wonder how the characters would react.
Page 35: I really like the dynamic here. Amy is such a strong character and she's still screaming. In my mind, I assumed she was screaming because she was scared Shep was going to hit a pedestrian mid-chase, not because of her own safety. But her grabbing the radio implies that she is scared. It's a fun part either way. I also really like that the chase, even though it's a car chase, doesn't just end there, and there's an on-foot part of it.
Page 37: I would be careful saying that backseat sex is Amy's 'element'. As much as it's hot, it implies that Amy's character is basically good at that, and anything else is secondary. And if you've got a female producer as a reader, you may end up sounding less sexy and more chauvinistic. The follow-up, with the two of them ending up locked in to the cruiser, is hilarious. It's really funny - I would consider the option of having it be less of a crowd spectacle and more between the two of them. I think the 'embarrassment' of Shep having to face his fellow cops is enough without a crowd and makes more sense.
Page 42: The details and specifics here really help and give you a great image. It is exciting, no doubt. The criticism is that this is a fairly sophisticated setup (IEDs, etc.), and as of right now we've met the antagonist approximately one and a half times. He's kind of a blank slate of craziness and the worry is that his character is just not developed enough for how important he's about to be to the story.
A cruel note, but how important is the dog? I feel like on the one hand, dogs are an important part of a bomb squad, and it's realistic - but on the other hand, Justice gets put out of commission so fast (which makes sense) that it's only fair to wonder if we need the dog at all. During the final attack, this is a more important character, but it's harder to believe because of the earlier injuries.
Page 50: Interesting and fun twist here. Definitely intriguing, seeing that this good-guy cop is flawed, and maybe very flawed. Of course, there's more to it – she's the cousin. It's a great setup – especially with the dialogue (“Are you sure this is what you want to do?”, etc.), but it does feel convenient. Like I said, it's a great twist, and very funny, but we wonder “why didn't she just bring him the ring?” etc. So it might need just a little tweaking to really go over perfectly.
Page 54: Possible typo: “Baxter: “. . . than I've had in uniform” instead of “than I have a uniform.”
Page 57: Again, the level of detail is working fantastically for you here, but wouldn't the antagonist have heard these explosions by now? And he's clearly super-prepared, so as Shep gets closer, it becomes more difficult to believe he wouldn't have some idea that he's coming based on those blasts.
Page 60: Nice situation here, where she's not giving the whole truth, trying to be romantic, and he takes that as an opening to work more. It really helps explain how their marriage got to the breaking point it's at.
Page 70: Resnick is scary, no doubt. But he still feels a bit flat at this point. We know he's insane, we know he's mad at getting fired (and who doesn't hate manipulative corporate executives), but we don't know why this specific man would go this far or why we should care. Shooting Trent over John is a great moment, because it implies that maybe he values loyalty, and that he despises the kind of person that would turn a gun on a colleague, even though that's exactly what he's doing. But we need more implications like that to really care about this specific character, even if we hate him.
Page 78: I love the line about 'if they want us out, they'll have to call the cops'. I feel like the hundred cops standing vigil might be overkill – I mean, he's alive, it's not his funeral. Not yet.
Page 92: When Shep almost dies, gets shot through the hand, etc., Amy is inconsolable, completely devoted. But that's right before she leaves him, at least in “script time”.
Edwards is a tricky character here, because the more we like him (or don't hate him), the harder it is to believe that Resnick would obsessively single him out. The things that John and Trent said about corporate manipulation earlier become harder to believe, so the villain's vendetta becomes harder to believe. And what are the chances that Edwards would be Amy's new boyfriend?
Thus ends the page-based notes.
First of all, let me say that this was fun, well-structured, and had very nicely defined characters. You clearly have a very good grip on what makes a story work. The story has great sense of momentum, and a very nice pace. It's hard to be bored at any point in the story.
Because the script itself was so solid in so many ways, the criticisms detailed below are way more subjective. I wanted to say, before I got any farther, that I was really impressed with the script in general – before I got into the more nit-picky, vague notes. But here goes:
This script plays extremely well within ideas we've come to expect from Cop Stories, it doesn't do a lot to go beyond those expectations. Not to say there's anything wrong with doing a straight-up cop story – but – with so many screenplays circulating, you've got to have a way to really push your story to the top. I can tell from this script, and the list of other titles you've written, that you are a big fan of the genre, and you know your stuff. So my criticism is more of a question. What do you want to see that you genuinely have not seen before? It would be a big mistake for me to say, “Oh, look at this film or this idea, try something like that”, because I feel like you would already be familiar with it. I could compare it with 'Die Hard', but I could do that with any action script. In a nutshell, at times, this script felt like something we'd seen before. Not specific ideas, just general things. We've seen versions of this villain, this cop, this basic plot. And again, most stories are a newer take on an older idea. I only bring it up to say that, you clearly know your business – I would challenge you to explore these characters and ideas even further. Find more “what ifs?” that make you genuinely wonder how your characters would act, because you don't already have a reference point. Because that intrigue will get passed directly to the audience. There are plenty of new ideas here – the Bomb Squad instead of, say, Narcotics Agents, for instance - but I would look at going further.
Tone (what an impossible-to-define term that is) is also a big factor here. It's tough, at times, to nail down exactly what sort of tone this script is looking for. And I realize it's a terrible play on names, but the script seems caught between two Russells. In several parts, the script feels pulled right out of a 1990's cop movie with Shep as a sort of Kurt Russell, in others it feels more tempered, with less of a wink to the 90's, more of a Russell Crowe part. I'd say, either way is legitimate enough – pick one and go full-on in that direction, and own it.
And lastly, towards the end, it basic plot just gets harder to believe. From the divorce papers (if he dies without the divorce, won't she get more money from the life insurance company, and now she's legally a widow anyway) to the polygraph (which was a really cool concept but how in the world do you transfer that from person to person quickly?) to the villain (who finds out that the man he hates is actually just a decent-enough guy and newspaper sales are the real bad guy). That's a pretty harsh note for me to write, but I'm harsh mostly because you did such a good job building up to the ending.
All-in-all, a fun, exciting read with great momentum and distinct characters. And thanks for letting me read it.
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Funny, funny stuff happens here.
PLOT.
Good beginning. Money worries piling up.
Page 22. Jordon apologizes for robbing the store and then waits for the bus. Funny stuff.
Page 24. The dream about the police. Not so good because it’s only a dream not a real problem.
Page 34. Detective Cone appears. This seems late into the story to introduce a new character. Can you add her...
Funny, funny stuff happens here.
PLOT.
Good beginning. Money worries piling up.
Page 22. Jordon apologizes for robbing the store and then waits for the bus. Funny stuff.
Page 24. The dream about the police. Not so good because it’s only a dream not a real problem.
Page 34. Detective Cone appears. This seems late into the story to introduce a new character. Can you add her in at some point before this?
Page 35. Jordan robs the guy with the Porsche. This is a funny script.
Page 48. Another dream. These provide momentary tension but overall, pull your audience out of the story. Jordon has enough problems without this dreaming going on.
Page 50. The heart attack. What are the chances of that? Funny. Funny. Funny. If Jordon was hit by Jeff, though, wouldn’t he still have a black and blue eye? Or lip? So Bob would recognize him?
Page 79. Amber finds the money. This is trouble.
Page 91. Jordon takes the Detective to dinner. That’s a surprise twist.
Page 107. The final robbery. Jordon is hit and bleeding and now steals a car. This isn’t as scary as it could be because of the dream sequences you had in earlier. Your audience is waiting for Jordon to wake up any moment and realize this is only a dream.
Page 117. And everything ends happily. Except the ending is so unrealistic it ruins the story. Jordon is the hero, not Cone. Jordon is the one who has to figure out a way to get out of this mess to complete the story.
CHARACTERS
Jordon is a great character. Easy to feel sorry for because his life is going so badly. I never liked Amber as much, wished he’d end with the Detective instead of her.
DIALOGUE
Dialogue is good. Always short. Often very funny.
All in all, a funny script. You’ve got to figure out a better ending though. It’s a letdown after everything that goes on before that.
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I have to agree with others that I think this would work well as a CGI title under Disney Pixar or Dreamworks, a la Shrek, but I don't think it'd work as a live action feature, as with Shrek. Still, there's no problem with that. As for the dialogue, it's superb, at times just brilliantly hilarious and keeps the action going. Not at one point does it slow down. I have only two...
I have to agree with others that I think this would work well as a CGI title under Disney Pixar or Dreamworks, a la Shrek, but I don't think it'd work as a live action feature, as with Shrek. Still, there's no problem with that. As for the dialogue, it's superb, at times just brilliantly hilarious and keeps the action going. Not at one point does it slow down. I have only two small gripes that aren't too much of a niggle but anyway. Firstly - the title needs to go or be changed, I just didn't think it worked with the film. And secondly, there needs to be a little more interaction between the love interests. Still, a brilliant comedy and this film should be picked up as soon as possible!
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