Reviews
I've appriciated the story and how is articulate.A story without time,in the sense the author gives informations about time, but time losts importance and what stays is just their frindship. There are no names, the importance is the fact that he chosed to die, their freindship and the that a person miss another one. language: monotonous language, which doesent' mean boring...
I've appriciated the story and how is articulate.A story without time,in the sense the author gives informations about time, but time losts importance and what stays is just their frindship. There are no names, the importance is the fact that he chosed to die, their freindship and the that a person miss another one. language: monotonous language, which doesent' mean boring but just without "emotionaljumps" to reflect sadness. I'vwe found the use of this "timbre" to underline what you read to the end: the lost of a friend
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I’ve been away several years, but in finding this wonderful, strange, bewildering story it feels like I haven’t been away at all. I love it now as I did before. There’s a spirit here, rebellious and roving and riotous, a sense of thumbing the nose at convention, of shunning pretention, so that one lives at the very furthest outskirts of society proper. This coupling had,...
I’ve been away several years, but in finding this wonderful, strange, bewildering story it feels like I haven’t been away at all. I love it now as I did before. There’s a spirit here, rebellious and roving and riotous, a sense of thumbing the nose at convention, of shunning pretention, so that one lives at the very furthest outskirts of society proper. This coupling had, of course, to produce offspring suitable to his origins, which, obviously it did. The only thing the story lacks is more. I want to follow the three of them further out into the world, where judgement, and misunderstanding, and tragedy must inevitably await. And, also, even more inevitably, much fun and much love.
“I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all.” Byron
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As a city resident I recognise the authentic feel of this story. New York is as much a character as any of the people. I only know New York from fiction from previous generations so I do not know if this is what contemporary New York feels like but it reads real. The concept risks being too hackneyed but is handled well and it makes for a gripping story. The characters are...
As a city resident I recognise the authentic feel of this story. New York is as much a character as any of the people. I only know New York from fiction from previous generations so I do not know if this is what contemporary New York feels like but it reads real. The concept risks being too hackneyed but is handled well and it makes for a gripping story. The characters are sketched quickly and well. The domestic scenes are nicely handled and the relationships are believable. The dialogue has an authentic migrants English rhythm without extravagant phonetic spelling.
I found my self gripped by the tale and feeling a sizeable relief at the resolution. I wonder if you considered a harder ending. I think you got it right with what you did- kinder to the reader. I liked the symmetry of the salesman's appearances and the cutting between scenes that ran at different tempos- street to restaurant to apartment- gave an urgency and tension that had me on the edge.
A well conceived and well written story. Some lovely language (quirked an eyebrow my favourite) and a great eye for small descriptive detail (the Chevrolet cars on the transporter) fix the tale in the location and create the atmosphere of a city where drama happens unnoticed all around. Superb.
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This tragic tale is set inside the head of a man destroyed by guilt. It is a place that only a writer can go and it takes a strong imaginative writer to make it convincing. It is pulled off well and the grief and guilt of the father is touchingly portrayed. Flash backs I found jarring but I think that was a good thing. The change in font and narration style take you away from...
This tragic tale is set inside the head of a man destroyed by guilt. It is a place that only a writer can go and it takes a strong imaginative writer to make it convincing. It is pulled off well and the grief and guilt of the father is touchingly portrayed. Flash backs I found jarring but I think that was a good thing. The change in font and narration style take you away from the internal world and into reality. The story reveals its self as it progresses answering the questions it creates in the readers mind.
A tragedy well told.
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My goodness, this was truly a short story yet despite your choice of not puffing up the various vignettes, there was a brilliant clarity of character with a surprising ending.
Surprising to me because I didn't expect your short story to end so abruptly.
To have the ability to encapsulate and entire day of a most impatient man is admirable and enviable.
Patience is not...
My goodness, this was truly a short story yet despite your choice of not puffing up the various vignettes, there was a brilliant clarity of character with a surprising ending.
Surprising to me because I didn't expect your short story to end so abruptly.
To have the ability to encapsulate and entire day of a most impatient man is admirable and enviable.
Patience is not one of my virtues. Your piece struck a chord within giving to the ultimate truth, no one knows what day their last breath will occur. And sometimes ones' demise is self inflicted. A quiet smile from me with a nod to your writing. Best, mm
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There is a skill or mastery of creating a story which is so short but tells the complete tale. You have shown everyone here how it's done.
Using mostly dialog for a change you dash out - and I bet it wasn't really dashing it out - a tale that is complete.
I cuss traffic and can relate. I need to get there and get things started.
Evidently there is a schedule I am unaware,...
There is a skill or mastery of creating a story which is so short but tells the complete tale. You have shown everyone here how it's done.
Using mostly dialog for a change you dash out - and I bet it wasn't really dashing it out - a tale that is complete.
I cuss traffic and can relate. I need to get there and get things started.
Evidently there is a schedule I am unaware, as was your character. Very well played.
Each word held up the structure of the story. remove one and it falls.
Very impressive. I need to learn how to do this.
~
M
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Hey there, Jrnyman2!
Concept: I thought that the concept for your story was very good. Pitting moral philosophies against each other is always a topic that can draw the reader in and cause them to put themselves inside of the characters' shoes. I thought that in some way you could have elaborated on that a tad more by adding in more of a backdrop as to why each character felt...
Hey there, Jrnyman2!
Concept: I thought that the concept for your story was very good. Pitting moral philosophies against each other is always a topic that can draw the reader in and cause them to put themselves inside of the characters' shoes. I thought that in some way you could have elaborated on that a tad more by adding in more of a backdrop as to why each character felt the way that they did. Readers could then become more absorbed in the story; if they see how the character developed that personal philosophy, then they tend to become more interested in the decisions they make.
Characters&Dialogue: I really don't have any qualm with your character design or dialogue; I thought that you presented both well. If anything, the only advice that I can give you would be to give more background information about each of them.
Story: I did rather like the story, but some questions that I would like to have answered would be: why/how did they end up where they were, the man's motive to have those people in his basement and the history between Sandy, Daniel and Alice before this all occurred.
Structure: Personally, I thought it ended a tad abruptly. Add in some time elements perhaps; make the reader understand how Sandy knows that she'll be down there for a while. Add in more details of how her hope becomes fatigued and then add in her final thought.
Overall: I thought that this was an attention-grabbing story that made the pages fly by. By just touching up certain elements in the story, it will improve greatly.
Good job!
~Miss Kookaberry
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Jake M.'s very short story "Conspiracy" concerns a man caught in a set-up; everyone is involved, from his wife to the fake cops who eventually murder him. That the story needs proofreading is far less annoying than the fact that the "conspiracy" is so overly dramatic as to render it unbelievable. One of the crimes would have been sufficient to put the protagonist away, yet...
Jake M.'s very short story "Conspiracy" concerns a man caught in a set-up; everyone is involved, from his wife to the fake cops who eventually murder him. That the story needs proofreading is far less annoying than the fact that the "conspiracy" is so overly dramatic as to render it unbelievable. One of the crimes would have been sufficient to put the protagonist away, yet there are numerous random acts of violence attributed to him that in no way add up, from beating his son to murdering a best friend to killing a dozen innocent people. Jake M.'s concept, however smart, is deployed with a casual dimwittedness that leaves the reader asking "why?"... Why would besmirching this man's name ruin the country? The reader is left to ponder (or quickly forget) why all of this is happening, who is in charge of the atrocious plot to ruin his life, as so forth. Overall, a fair attempt that never really gells.
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The young woman is going to work. The train comes and her life is about to change. . .
The storyline is about an event on the train. The plot and sub plots merge seamlessly and flow smoothly.There are no lapses or pauses in the storyline and there is a continuity of elements that is rarely bettered.
The story very poignantly pointed out the senselessness of some actions...
The young woman is going to work. The train comes and her life is about to change. . .
The storyline is about an event on the train. The plot and sub plots merge seamlessly and flow smoothly.There are no lapses or pauses in the storyline and there is a continuity of elements that is rarely bettered.
The story very poignantly pointed out the senselessness of some actions. The people get caught up in the daily annoyances that in the big picture mean nothing. The point of the story was driven home with force, well done.
Spelling,grammar and such were well taken care of.
The characters were three diminsional and real. they were alive and fully formed. The dialogue was weak but it was also very sparce.
Did I like the story? No.
It is not to my taste,
The writing style was rich and descriptive and the storyline was complete and compelling. A very good job.
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When you have a job with the lowest orders of society you must remember who they are and more importantly who you are!
The story is about a man being beaten to death. He wronged the wrong guy who later recognized him and the beating was on.
A story that is a little bit confusing in that it wasn't streight forward in giving information. The essential elements were fed to the...
When you have a job with the lowest orders of society you must remember who they are and more importantly who you are!
The story is about a man being beaten to death. He wronged the wrong guy who later recognized him and the beating was on.
A story that is a little bit confusing in that it wasn't streight forward in giving information. The essential elements were fed to the reader in drops instead of a smooth stream. I don't particurally like to work this hard to make sense of a story.
The story line is told during a life threatening beating and was appropreate for this type of setting. The writing was rich the English department would approve but I still don't like to work this hard to get the facts about a story.
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I am not sure what to say about this one because the main character did not seem to have any real personality or any redeeming qualities.
Even though in the end he at least got the girl he was driving home and got her to the couch, I was half expecting the story to end with him being in a world of problems when she was found dead from a concussion the next day.
In fact I...
I am not sure what to say about this one because the main character did not seem to have any real personality or any redeeming qualities.
Even though in the end he at least got the girl he was driving home and got her to the couch, I was half expecting the story to end with him being in a world of problems when she was found dead from a concussion the next day.
In fact I think that may have been (be) a great direction to take the story. When a character is a jerk a little karma sure can bring the story around full circle and offer a chance to redeem the character and even garner him or her some sympathy.
It is a great start at a great story that could be adapted into a great screenplay with a little work.
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An interesting insight on a Wall Street situation that may have come about from the writer's own experience. Thomas does indeed paint an exciting picture of the opulance extant in the money capital of the world. Even his character, a Harvard graduate, did not anticipate the table-turning he got but apparantely was willing to accept his fate in a matter of fact almost 'flip'...
An interesting insight on a Wall Street situation that may have come about from the writer's own experience. Thomas does indeed paint an exciting picture of the opulance extant in the money capital of the world. Even his character, a Harvard graduate, did not anticipate the table-turning he got but apparantely was willing to accept his fate in a matter of fact almost 'flip' manner; High-Risk = High-Rewards and frequently = Harsh Penalties. Are adventures such as this...arrest and hand-cuffing...and prison a common occurance? Are we to believe that possibly decades in jail are merely the 'cost of doing business?' There might well have been a believability factor here that a polished Wall Street Banker could have failed to anticipated this scenario and not have made exit strategies. Am I wrong?
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Reading along, I'm getting into it fast, the relistic depiction of the band with its great name, Demon Beat, but right away I'm confused. Isn't Dwayne complaining about Rick's tattoos and his continuing to cling to outrageous antics (biting bats' heads off) that Dwayne no longer believes in? "Of all people, Rick thought Dwayne should understand." But then Rick wants to say...
Reading along, I'm getting into it fast, the relistic depiction of the band with its great name, Demon Beat, but right away I'm confused. Isn't Dwayne complaining about Rick's tattoos and his continuing to cling to outrageous antics (biting bats' heads off) that Dwayne no longer believes in? "Of all people, Rick thought Dwayne should understand." But then Rick wants to say (but doesn't), Maybe it should be over, because he "longed to connect with his fans through his music..." Is he blaming Deiter for "leading the band astray, away from the "oath Rick had cut into his arm"? or is he blaming Deiter for not allowing him to change?
Wow! What a read. I'm exhausted. I could hear Demon Beat. Boy, could I. The beat, the beat, THE BEAT. And Deiter's yowling. Great writing. Went back and read the first part again. Still confused.
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This is a fun story in which a guy resorts to murder in order to secure the girl of his dreams. The strongest part of the story for me was within the Silver Link pub. That scene buzzed with life. I would have liked more of the story to have been set in there. I could really 'see' and hear this place, whereas all the other locations didn't appear to me as well.
I couldn't...
This is a fun story in which a guy resorts to murder in order to secure the girl of his dreams. The strongest part of the story for me was within the Silver Link pub. That scene buzzed with life. I would have liked more of the story to have been set in there. I could really 'see' and hear this place, whereas all the other locations didn't appear to me as well.
I couldn't help thinking of 'Dexter' and how Dexter brazenly marches into a bar, wedding reception or even an airport terminal, and he always finds a way to get the guy alone (in the restroom for example) so he can either warn the guy to back off, or drug and whisk him away out a back exit to be killed without anyone noticing.
Getting to the caravan was enjoyable enough. However, I think a lot of this conflict could be accomplished within the pub location. Ideally have the girl Sarah in the pub too with one or two of her friends. Davis could still be whisked away and buried under the concrete.
I just think that by having majority the conflict play 'live' in one pub scene, then there is greater potential for tension (Davis could be making public lewd comments to the girl and her friends and then has his hands all over her) and things to go wrong for our anti-hero.
The first two paragraphs got in the way of getting into the thrust of the story I feel. I'd prefer the story to begin with a modified final paragraph on p1 with brief scene setting leading into the narrator driving over the flyover and thinking of Davis.
Overall, an enjoyable story, and a nice swift read. Good luck!
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As anyone who tries to break free, searching for meaning, 'The Song' reveals anguish and desperation and possibly hope.
The story is very well written, engaging the reader to almost read it without breathing too often, looking for a positive conquest of the senses and consciousness.
Instead, as life presents itself on more than one occasion, fear and the true reflection of...
As anyone who tries to break free, searching for meaning, 'The Song' reveals anguish and desperation and possibly hope.
The story is very well written, engaging the reader to almost read it without breathing too often, looking for a positive conquest of the senses and consciousness.
Instead, as life presents itself on more than one occasion, fear and the true reflection of the mirror represent the curse and not the sought blessing.
Great work. I really enjoyed your story.
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