Reviews
I don't like the title. Not sure why. Doesn't fit your story.
Nice easy read so far. I like movies about baseball and I like the fact that Cat is a heavyset woman.
There are a lot of characters to keep track of in the first 12 pages. Maybe cut that down a bit. Do you need all of them?
I have never seen a woman named Sidney before. Maybe Sydney? It's confusing to...
I don't like the title. Not sure why. Doesn't fit your story.
Nice easy read so far. I like movies about baseball and I like the fact that Cat is a heavyset woman.
There are a lot of characters to keep track of in the first 12 pages. Maybe cut that down a bit. Do you need all of them?
I have never seen a woman named Sidney before. Maybe Sydney? It's confusing to give a woman a man's name.
P.20 - Funny line by Judge.
I like Pete. Cool guy.
I like what you did. Have Judge have sex with Cat, then have Pete tell him to be a good guy, show her around.
P.26 - Funny. 'Get outta here ball' as he pops to second base. Not only is it funny, it shows what kind of character Judge is. I like Judge, too.
P.37 - The Jimi Handrix/cleaning Staff conversation feels awkward on p. 36/37.
I really like the way the relationship between Judge and Cat is playing. Feels fresh. Good job.
Great that Judge is jealous when Cat dances with Reimer.
Paul and Stan disappear for too long. Keep them active.
P.77 - Farm Director 2x.
A story like this should be 100 pages long, not 118.
P.78 - 'The Farm Director, Ron Sternberger (Farm Director), is watching them talk.' Huh? It's Ron Stern and we already know he's the Farm Director.
I miss not having Cat around. She has disappeared from the story.
You might consider dropping the whole Jimi Hendrix ball subplot. It's neither funny or interesting and it feels like your story can do without it. Make your story about Cat and Judge.
P.85 - How do Paul and Stan know about Judge bonking Cat? And why would Pete ever believe them anyway? They are on work release from prison. And the ransom thing is silly. Sorry.
P.86 - Judge seems insensitive toward his friend Pops here. Why?
One thing that bothers me is the constant shake-up of the team. Guys being sent down and called up. Too much activity.
It's getting crazy here at the end. I would rather the story be about Cat and Judge.
This is a good script for the most part. I really liked Cat and wanted her to be in the story more. Good luck.
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This story was loaded with a big reveal at the end. A lot happening at the end, but it worked. I was looking for some type of crazy ending regarding the story of the drowned daughter, but the priest finding out he was the son took me by surprise. I didn't see that coming, maybe I should have. I think that is a good thing, because I was totally fooled. The flow of the story...
This story was loaded with a big reveal at the end. A lot happening at the end, but it worked. I was looking for some type of crazy ending regarding the story of the drowned daughter, but the priest finding out he was the son took me by surprise. I didn't see that coming, maybe I should have. I think that is a good thing, because I was totally fooled. The flow of the story was quite good. I wasn't tripped up by unnecessary descriptions or subplots that go nowhere. I read with anticipation. I wanted to know what was going to happen on the next page. You're style is smooth and I enjoyed the story. I notice with some submissions on this site is that the main problem is clarity. You were able to tell this story in a clear and interesting way. You've done your job and, of course, I'm interested in reading your other story. A minor criticism: I would use Father instead of Fr. Every time I came across that abbreviation, it slowed me down for some reason. Good job! A tense and gripping story, with a nice build up.
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Wonderful. If I'm going to have to read another horror story it might as well be a tongue in the cheek Irish one. I'm hoping that this was a spoof on all those idiots who want a quick hit on YouTube. It it wasn't and was unintended irony I apologise in advance. I reluctantly have to say I like this a lot. But if it was meant to be serious, you failed completely. I was sat here...
Wonderful. If I'm going to have to read another horror story it might as well be a tongue in the cheek Irish one. I'm hoping that this was a spoof on all those idiots who want a quick hit on YouTube. It it wasn't and was unintended irony I apologise in advance. I reluctantly have to say I like this a lot. But if it was meant to be serious, you failed completely. I was sat here laughing think how much the Monty Python team would have loved to have got their teeth into this. As a story it worked well, the isolated cottage in Donegal was an unusual setting. And for some strange reason it worked well. You told your tale quickly, didn't try to raise the tension just let it flow, I must be honest; I thought it was great. I loved the line " Edward's crooked teeth were bared, still in acting mode." My only complaint would be your dialogue, it was a little stilted at times, but you can work on that, This was different and enjoyable. It worked for me.
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I first of all want to commend the time you took to come up with the script. It's not always easy putting an action film together and I like your arrangement in writing the transitions, actions, dialog and so on. The beginning was also okay, a typical action packed suspense filled movie. I like that. However, you should note the following:
The Log-line and Synopsis
The first...
I first of all want to commend the time you took to come up with the script. It's not always easy putting an action film together and I like your arrangement in writing the transitions, actions, dialog and so on. The beginning was also okay, a typical action packed suspense filled movie. I like that. However, you should note the following:
The Log-line and Synopsis
The first challenge i had was with the log-line and synopsis. A log-line answers these questions:
a. What is the story?
b. What are the stakes?
c. What does the hero want and need?
None of these are apparent in your log-line, in fact it's as if it has nothing to do with the story. I first thought it was a religious stuff, Biblical story or something like that. I was quite hooked but was later disappointed when i found out it has nothing to do with that.
A synopsis tells in summary what a story is all about, the setting, the psychological tension underlying the main characters as well as the essence of the story. From your synopsis i can only tell who the main character is - Cisco(whose intentions i really didn't understand), aside that i don't know enough about the story to stimulate interest and this is what your synopsis and log-line should do. You need to improve on the description and create a dilemma for the main character.
Now to the story itself.
The world of screenwriting is fast becoming so impossibly competitive that even the best well-written scripts are often criticized, so firstly, i will like you to take each criticism you receive from various reviews as part of how to develop yourself more in the art of screenwriting, because i have a feeling you are going to get lots of them from this work.
Structure
I liked the way you divided it into three acts but Act I is ideally 25pages, yours is 41. By page 25, something should have happened to create tension and set the film in motion. Your pages 1-41 contains mainly flat scenes that are not moving the story forward. You should try pruning off those scenes that does not reveal anything new about a character or the story. Then it seems as if you have just too acts instead of three, probably because the first act was way too long.
I notice too much of block of letters in the action write-ups. A script contains a lot of white spaces. You can break the descriptions into paragraphs and compress the sentences. Use fragments instead of full descriptions e.g. CISCO, 30's, tall, heavy, half-black, half peurtorican… something like that
You need to cut much of what you wrote and get to the core of the story faster by making efficient use of the first ten pages. The motives of the characters in the first ten pages are not clear, just a lot of gun-pulling.
Character
Your newly introduced characters are not in caps. When a character is introduced for the first time, their names appear in capitals.
Also in many instances, you just go ahead to fix your characters in the dialogue without first introducing them, e.g. page 5 Billy just appears in the dialogue, also in page 16 , and many others. One will be left wondering where they came from. You are also not consistent in their names, the Man, Dead man(pg2), Jack, Black Jack. Character names are so important.
Also there 's too much of names mix-up. It's better to give your character just one name and stick to it, not "I'm Francisco but they call me Cisco or I'm Eric but they call me Slade" or "William Walcott, also Billy Wild. Cut out the introductions. This takes up too much time. I would consider changing the name of the character Dead man. Dead people literally don't talk. Also introduce him as well as others in the action phase first
The Characters were somehow interesting but i find it difficult to identify the major antagonist. I think there are too many of them. Cisco i guess is important, but then there are several others supporting him so much that it doesn't give him a challenge and Black Jack is the worst of them all and doesn't fit into their crew. I still care for the others more than him. He's so bad he should stay on his own and have his own goals
Several antagonists came up in the first 10-15 pages without any definite goal or with goals that have no relevance to the story.
Some are idle and almost without any significant role e.g. Javier, Mary Ann or maybe they do - to lighten things up, then it will be a good idea to make them more fun, give them more challenges or probably create something comical about them. It will spice up the story. Also since Mary Ann is not the same person as Mary K. Smith (page 63) then you need to consider choosing another name for the murdered girl in Billy's room to avoid confusions.
I would say Jim is the protagonist since his niece was killed but there is little spotlight on him until the latter end while Cisco and his gang are the most celebrated . Violet could still have been killed without Layla. Will could still have survived in the hospital without her but i guess she's a protagonist as well. Who really is Jeremia and what does he want? He appeared again at the last moment only to die unceremoniously
Black Jack is not a likable character, yet he survived until the latter part of the story.
Ironically, i enjoyed Digger's conversations most, he's somehow funny even with a grotesque job.
Grammar
This is perhaps the most challenging of all in this work. You really need to go over this script about two or three times and make the necessary corrections. The following were obvious:
Pages 1: There should be full stop after glasses, "cisco" should begin with caps
2: We "go" it, expression "off" odd delight
4: bits of glass rain on "he", there should be full stop after "middle finger" You kept on using see's instead of sees: page 4, 5
5: there should be full stop after "passersby or join the sentence" to inquire passersby who direct him"
6: "at this' should have a comma after.
7: cant instead of can't
8: "What he said" - is this a question?, Then it should carry question marks.
11: JEREMIA straightaway is better than just "a man". Also use of (contd) after "the man" is not necessary.
12:"failing clutch his shoulder" what could this mean?
13: or available chairs for "him" and his friends not "he"
15: "news" friends, also "al" except
16: O.S should be in bracket otherwise it would seem as if it's part of the name of the character. Also arms around him "an" intense embrace.
18: comma instead of full stop in first dialog involving Cisco
19: "slade" should start with capital letter. Also you keep writing "Your" as "You're". Also "Id and Youd" should have an apostrophe. See also "Tall" Javi good luck
23 :Create more white space. Also "thats "all should be that's all
27: Layla Kneels instead of Knelt
29: Check out the word "stethiscope"
30: Your loss , not You're loss. Also boys not boy's. Also he exists not exit's
32: Struggle's
44: "will" should start with capital letter
49: you had trouble catching the man "what" killed your precious Marshall. You keep writing "what" instead of "that" or is it a unique form of dialog? I guess it is
55:" Lets" get on the trail instead of Let's, also in page 59, 61
56: won't not wont
60: leaves not leave's
63: God's not Gods
65 here me should be either hear or near. I'm not sure which one you intend to use
69; pleas not please. Also "mans" head
72: too instead of to
74: different "are" of the saloon.
86: back "if" Jim's belt
I'm afraid this is as far as i can go with the grammatical corrections because of time and space. There are much more which you will have to look up yourself.
Dialog
The dialog would have been quite interesting but was flawed by the numerous grammatical errors. I understand you are trying to give the characters a unique voice, but sometimes the sentences don't have any meaning or perhaps they don't portray the intended meaning.
For instance Page 68: the last dialog by Billy, I'm not sure what "were here for Jack" means, perhaps we're here?
Story
The story is a unique one, but I'm afraid took a long time to get to the core of the matter. Also take a closer look at the following:
Page 1: Water runs from the entering men's clothes. Is it raining outside? You didn't mention that previously. Where the six men previously in the saloon?
Page 7: Where did Slade come from?
Page 12 -15: The scene at the silver dollar saloon involving the three men and the Marshall, i still don't get it's significance.
Page 24: Again where did the preacher come from?
Page 28: Is Digger dragging the casket all the way by himself?
Page 30: The doctor shouldn't leave a sick man with someone even the town's preacher did not trust since he's neither a Marshal nor his deputy. Where did Will come from? I thought the shootings involved Terry, Marshall, Violet and Preacher dragged Terry away injured, not Will
Page 42: "Preacher rides the trail and is riding fast" could read "Preacher rides the trail fast…"
Pages 47-48: A man kills a marshal and is blowing it all out in the public?. Also, "The Man" appears more than once in the story; page 48-54, meaning he is important, give him a name or a better description - Bald man, Dark-haired man etc
Why is there no quality investigation about the death of the Marshall? He has to have more deputies, superiors or whatever, what are they doing? The Marshall is an important man, why wasn't he given a proper funeral, only Violet's burial was emphasized.
You need to edit and keep editing your work. I don't think there's ever a screen play that is finished. There are always one or two things to add or remove from it.
Overall
The ending was rather lame. Everyone just ended up killing themselves, antagonists and all. Cisco appears to be quite important to the story, but dies unceremoniously and it took a long time to kill Black Jack. Did Doc die? I'm not advocating for a happy ending but at least there should be some equity, satisfaction or something that will leave the reader with a question or a debate or something challenging. In all it's a great story that needs a lot of work.
Suggestions
You can consider changing the title to reflect the story and you'll discover you have come up with something even better. Write out a logline that follows the three questions i wrote out earlier on. It will help you focus on the story. You need to do a lot of weeding. Remove characters that are not relevant, remove scenes that are not projecting the story forward. Stay focused on the story and avoid diversions and above all you need an overhauling of the entire grammatical aspect. The errors are quite overwhelming. Check the apostrophes, when to use them and when not . I enjoyed reading it because it's somehow unique and i prefer something different from all the city stuff most people write these days.
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They Came From The Stars is a fun short film. The story is simple and comedic. Personally, i don't think i have seen any 1950's UFO movies, but i can imagine how they would be quite similar to this (in a good way). The acting isn't great, ( i felt that this was intended ) but this adds to the overall comedic value. The use of black and white gave the film a nice old school...
They Came From The Stars is a fun short film. The story is simple and comedic. Personally, i don't think i have seen any 1950's UFO movies, but i can imagine how they would be quite similar to this (in a good way). The acting isn't great, ( i felt that this was intended ) but this adds to the overall comedic value. The use of black and white gave the film a nice old school look which went well with its genre.
Overall-A funny piece of film with very few flaws.
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This is quite difficult to review, the video is good for what it is. But to call it a "film" i think it requires a bit more in terms of conveying story information. I can not doubt the efforts of the singer in this piece. However, i found myself being drawn out of the story and just hearing music. As a result, the video ended with me not really knowing what occurred in...
This is quite difficult to review, the video is good for what it is. But to call it a "film" i think it requires a bit more in terms of conveying story information. I can not doubt the efforts of the singer in this piece. However, i found myself being drawn out of the story and just hearing music. As a result, the video ended with me not really knowing what occurred in the this great adventure.
Verdict - good song - ok "film"
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My initial feeling was that this would be a sequel or spin off from north by northwest; I’ve not seen the film so I wondered if I should even read this screenplay.
Obviously I did, I found it ok. It gave off a ‘men in black’ vibe and was kinda goofy in parts; it didn't take itself too seriously. But on the other hand it was quite graphic in regards to violence; I’m all for...
My initial feeling was that this would be a sequel or spin off from north by northwest; I’ve not seen the film so I wondered if I should even read this screenplay.
Obviously I did, I found it ok. It gave off a ‘men in black’ vibe and was kinda goofy in parts; it didn't take itself too seriously. But on the other hand it was quite graphic in regards to violence; I’m all for bloody deaths and murder, but it didn't fit into the story, especially the murder of an unarmed naked woman. Granted she was bad, but it was too much.
I felt Jeff was emotionless, he wasn't fussed about being kidnapped, he didn't fight back or refuse to cooperate when it came to the zeta cube thingy.
who would contact the cia if someone is an hour late for a lunch... didn't like that...and then the cia watch over Jeff in the beach house, why don't they try to rescue him, they just watch.
The story took far too long to get going. There’s no real action until Jeff escapes the beach house. i did like the action thought, even if it wasn't highly original.
I think the biggest problem is it's half a film stretched out to 108 pages. It feels like it's only half way through a bigger story. Then it just ends, nita was still hanging around, so no resolution for the character.
I feel Jeff needs to escape around page 60...then the story begins, he has to escape the bad guys, keep the zeta cube safe and stop the aliens from finding the crystal staff... the story could of been so much more, you just didn't pull the trigger.
Writing wise, it was nice and descriptive, I got a good image in my head of the events. There were very few spelling or grammar mistakes, another read through should iron them out.
Don’t put camera shots or sound effects in there, it's un-needed. Just describe a sound.
I thought the dialogue was adequate, it did the job but could have been better.
So, I was entertained, it never dragged, but it’s only half a story, you need to expand it and increase the tension and turn it into an exciting adventure movie. I feel you can do it, there’s the start of one in there, just have do more. Good luck.
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This was a sweet film. Innocent in it's presentation and sweet in story. A guy and girl meet and seem to form a relationship. The acting was good, being a silent actor is tough, and the cast performed without obstacles. Never stooping to indication, to get their point across, they just focused on living moment to moment. The use of black and white was clever. (I'm a sucka for...
This was a sweet film. Innocent in it's presentation and sweet in story. A guy and girl meet and seem to form a relationship. The acting was good, being a silent actor is tough, and the cast performed without obstacles. Never stooping to indication, to get their point across, they just focused on living moment to moment. The use of black and white was clever. (I'm a sucka for black and white). Overall an enjoyable piece.
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If you wait long enough on Triggerstreet, you get another Elmer Lang production. God you are tall. Though I didn't need to see you in your undies, we got the point that your a big boy. I liked the use of still photography to tell your story. I also liked the original song you wrote. Your a very talented person. I gather at the end of the film, because your alone, in the only...
If you wait long enough on Triggerstreet, you get another Elmer Lang production. God you are tall. Though I didn't need to see you in your undies, we got the point that your a big boy. I liked the use of still photography to tell your story. I also liked the original song you wrote. Your a very talented person. I gather at the end of the film, because your alone, in the only video part of this short, that she left you. Sorry for your lost.
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This is another Triggerstreet video that I can't view. If was taken away by the user. I also see that it's being reviewed by the hall of justice. So why was it given to me as an assignment. To clutter up my assignment review. Please triggerstreet get it together with the assingment department. Don't give me stuff I can't view.
I liked the angles, and the black and white theme was excellent for this film. The hero had a mysterious charisma that kept me watching, he was very likable. The only thing I didn't understand was why the girl took the pendant in the end. Overall, great flick. Great use of camera angles and proper music for the theme of the movie.
This is another Triggerstreet video that I can't view. If was taken away by the user. I also see that it's being reviewed by the hall of justice. So why was it given to me as an assignment. To clutter up my assignment review. Please triggerstreet get it together with the assingment department. Don't give me stuff I can't view.
A good film. I liked the two guys discussing mundane subjects like the fathers, while they are obviously in a life and death situation. The more they duscuss the mundane the more dangerous the situation must be, since not once did they talk about what brought them to this situation. The other thing that I really liked was how we found out the other man was mortally wounded...
A good film. I liked the two guys discussing mundane subjects like the fathers, while they are obviously in a life and death situation. The more they duscuss the mundane the more dangerous the situation must be, since not once did they talk about what brought them to this situation. The other thing that I really liked was how we found out the other man was mortally wounded and I gather he died at the end. Gppd work.
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An interesting premise that doesn't quite deliver.
I liked the parallels with Jesus and the way it was handled. The dialogue was very well written and the story progressed at a steady pace. I especially felt for the characters in their struggle to survive. Eibhlin was an interesting character. The supporting cast were also interesting and full of depth. It does need some...
An interesting premise that doesn't quite deliver.
I liked the parallels with Jesus and the way it was handled. The dialogue was very well written and the story progressed at a steady pace. I especially felt for the characters in their struggle to survive. Eibhlin was an interesting character. The supporting cast were also interesting and full of depth. It does need some work though.
I don't know why you don't state Eibhlin's age in the opening scene since you know how old she is by the end. Alfonso's backstory popping up and backtracking the story is unneeded. We already have a sense for the depth of his devotion before that flashback.
I get that you were going for a book approach of showing each character but starting Alfonso's book later makes more sense. Maybe Alfonso picks up at the same place in the screenplay but tells Eibhlin his story? I know the meditation scene is key but there should be a way to combine it better. As it is, Alfonso's backstory of escape distracts from the flow of the story and severely takes me away from the emotional momentum the story had.
My other complaint is that I wish the ending wasn't so neatly wrapped up. It's too explained with them clearly seeing Eibhlin riding off. Not only that, it also takes away from her mystique for her followers to know she is alive. Personally, I would love a 20 or 30 years later thing where we see an older woman with the tattoo listening to someone preaching her message. The world shouldn't be better but some progress in the right direction shown.
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Just gonna jot nots as I go along to see if theres any advice I can offer.
p.16 so far this is pretty good. jumped right into the action with Jeff being taken by the cab drivers.
p.18 would Jeff really talk this goofy if he's been kidnapped?
p.19 forget my previous comment. I just read its the drug talking.
p.29 why is Jeff so willing to help these folks that kidnapped...
Just gonna jot nots as I go along to see if theres any advice I can offer.
p.16 so far this is pretty good. jumped right into the action with Jeff being taken by the cab drivers.
p.18 would Jeff really talk this goofy if he's been kidnapped?
p.19 forget my previous comment. I just read its the drug talking.
p.29 why is Jeff so willing to help these folks that kidnapped him. im assuming he's still drugged up?
p. 60 good tie in with Scott seeing his future as Jeff watching him ten years from now
p.79 Jeff seems too carefree in his dialogue. these people are trying to kill him.
p 84 pretty cool stuff with Nita
good ending. I had a feeling Suzy would end up being Audrey.
overall this was pretty good. the spiders were done creatively. there was a lot of action and I dont recall any parts where your story dragged. i liked the twists and turns and the nordic alien was pretty cool as well. my only small gripe, and it is small, was Jeff's dialogue. just seemed to carefree in certain spots and then serious as he should be in others. but thats not a huge deal. overall, good job.
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