• by toolerslp1 on 08/22/2014
    I take my hat off to you dkmg21. You have more imagination in your little finger than I have in my whole body. The world you have created is impressive and quite detailed. While I was reading the script I one point I thought I was reading a fantasy story the next I thought I was reading a pro Christian/Religion film. It’s fine to switch genre’s but there needs to be a... read
  • by datho on 08/22/2014
    I like the basic idea of your screenplay: terminally ill man turns into a devil and kills people in order to get immortality. Donald does everything to stop him and dies, but saves his daughter. The story starts pretty well. The mood is established and we follow to the different characters trying to figure out who’s the main protagonist. Donald starts investigating from the... read
  • A review of Necessary Evil
    by philip halmarack on 08/23/2014
    Yours is a wholly professional script in an overused genre. The writing is brilliantly taut and so involving that the occasional typo was easy to overlook. The pacing throughout was spot on and, though we've been down these roads a thousand times, Logan's story held the attention throughout. This is one of those films that you have to read - and go to see - more than once... read
  • by williamf129 on 08/23/2014
    Let's begin here: you have selected a shop-worn concept for your story. Feeding human flesh to unsuspecting others has been so over-done (no pun intended), that if you are going to revisit it, you had better bring some new meat to the table. You did not. That said, let's look at the writing. At a minimum, a writer must bring craftsmanship to the party - if not masterful craftsmanship,... read
  • A review of Sensible Shoes
    by williamf129 on 08/23/2014
    You are making me work. It is so much easier to critique crap than quality writing. This is so good, on so many levels, that I hardly know where to begin. You write with such skill and confidence that you don't need some puff piece review. So, allow me to nit pick. I was not drawn into your story by your opening with the rather enigmatic introspection on the tribe tethering... read
  • A review of Suicide Lemonade
    by toolerslp1 on 08/23/2014
    Really nice work on the descriptions and the flow of the story. Never at any point was I lost or wondering what was going on. You have a real gift for clarity. This story had kind of a Alice in Wonderland meets any Horror film to it. The two biggest issues I had with the script were one, I didn’t really know what Martina wanted in the story, was it love, acceptance, being... read
  • A review of tulip or rose
    by mcmason on 08/23/2014
    Thanks for the opportunity to review your work. I thought the film did a nice job of tackling difficult subject matter. I also liked the final shot where we see the couple together for the first time, face to face. That was sweet. A few of the problems I had: 1) The angle is the same for the majority of the film (he is sitting and she is standing), and they stand there... read
  • by 5something on 08/23/2014
    Your execution of the story flowed well, pacing-wise you've done a good job. None of the sequences felt out of place nor did anything feel unnecessary. The blend between the physical world and the spiritual world was married together well also. The moments where McBride appears didn't feel forced. Structurally, you've hit your horror points spot on. Well done. One note... read
  • A review of Antwerp, Belgium
    by Smith4545 on 08/23/2014
    First off, I love your writing style. When I say style, I mean there's a lot of white. The biggest turn off for me is when I see long, drawnout descriptions, when I skimmed the first few pages of this one I saw that you keep it simple. I like! As the title states, this takes me back to 'Before Sunrise' and 'Lost in Translation'. Two brilliant films. The only problem with... read
  • by bharrod321 on 08/23/2014
    As a fan of the show Nip/Tuck I looked forward to reading this script. However, I could not draw any connections between that show and this script aside from the location of Miami. Nor was the story or characters anything I would find in that series. So, I'm not sure how you drew that connection. On to the script itself. It seemed to me as I read it that this might have... read
  • by williamf129 on 08/23/2014
    Buried somewhere in this horror of muddled language and jumble of scattered and unorganized ideas is a pretty good story. But to tell it, you need to learn how to write, literally. Writing is not merely stringing a bunch of words together - certainly not when the words are often meaningless in their context - and the strings of words are rarely intelligible sentences. Creative... read
  • A review of Thief In The Night
    by danielmgee3281 on 08/23/2014
    I enjoyed your opening and setup. I was unaware of where you were going with the story and you kept me guessing. I don't know if maybe it would have served you better to give the background a little later or not but It still worked. I enjoyed getting to know the family and I enjoyed the main characters relationship build and pay off was great. I loved the concept and enjoyed... read
  • OK Non Credited Review
    by danielmgee3281 on 08/23/2014
    If I had to judge what I saw I would say it was a sort of Half way house for addicts. They were struggling to transition off drugs and are still dependent on whatever chemical or lifestyle they are currently in. The use of the singer and ending on the lyrics and him on the bed left me to reflect on the lives I just briefly witnessed. If this was a trailer I am certainly eager... read
  • A review of Quentin Quits
    by williamf129 on 08/24/2014
    I don't know why you chose to submit the screenplay excerpt as a short story. It is not a short story, by definition. It is an attenuated screenplay, so I will review it as such. But first, the overture. There is a saying in Hollywood: Nobody reads. It means that studio execs, producers, directors, agents, and even stars do not read scripts. Even if you are 'connected', the... read
  • A review of The Fifth Host
    by williamf129 on 08/24/2014
    GRAMMAR. GRAMMAR. GRAMMAR. Only out of this comes effective prose. No way around it. Without effective prose, no story can be told. STRUCTURE. STRUCTURE. STRUCTURE. It is on these rails that story rides. When they are not straight and true, the story derails. PREMISE. PREMISE. PREMISE. It must be clear, and explicit. THROUGH LINE. THROUGH LINE. THROUGH LINE. Put simply, this... read
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