Reviews
As I always say, writing a script is feat not for the faint of heart, so, as with any writer, I commend you for taking on the task. Immediately below you will find bullet notes and, below that, a brief review:
BULLET NOTES:
page 2: typo: CLIFF: "Every month, we receive more EMAIL..." - should read: "Every month, we receive more EMAILS..."
page 4: you don't need to capitalize...
As I always say, writing a script is feat not for the faint of heart, so, as with any writer, I commend you for taking on the task. Immediately below you will find bullet notes and, below that, a brief review:
BULLET NOTES:
page 2: typo: CLIFF: "Every month, we receive more EMAIL..." - should read: "Every month, we receive more EMAILS..."
page 4: you don't need to capitalize "Trick or Treating" as it's not an event, name, place, or title
page 7: "The last girl we had couldn't walk and chew gum at the same time." - love this line!
page 10: you can place a hyphen between "non" and "fat"
page 11: typo: IAN: "I knew you WHERE a nice girl." - should read: "I knew you WERE a nice girl."
page 13: typo: STEPHANIE: "Our fifteen year reunion wasn't TO long ago." - should read: "Our fifteen-year reunion wasn't TOO long ago."
page 13: type: CHRISSIE: "I'm sorry to HERE that." - should read: "I'm sorry to HEAR that."
page 16: remove the capitalized "T" in the word "told"
page 16: type: KYLE: "This is one of those all TO rare situations..." - should read: "This is one of those all TOO rare situations."
page 18: addition (quotation marks): STEPHANIE: "...but YOU'RE HIRED still means the same thing..." - should read: "...but "YOU'RE HIRED" still means the same thing..."
page 28: type: KYLE: "It's maid of honor if YOUR with me." - should read: "It's maid of honor if YOU'RE with me."
page 33: for Amy's dialogue, the word "tomorrow" doesn't need to be capitalized
page 36: for Cliff's dialogue, the words "in the" repeat themselves
page 46: type: BOB: "...always on display in THERE music, and at sporting events." - should read: "...always on display in THEIR music, and at sporting events."
page 52: for Chrissie's dialogue, "Miss Popular" can be capitalized
page 72: typo: CHRISSIE: "...and it FIT'S with his name." - should read: "...and it FITS with his name."
BRIEF REVIEW:
The first thing that stood out was not necessarily an absence of, but a lack of conflict. We understand that Chrissie has her reservations, quirks, and issues with Stephanie, however, they aren't really tested. While Stephanie does seem to float and drift carelessly throughout the story, having coworkers do her work and pay her way, this doesn't necessarily affect Chrissie except on a topical level. I empathize with Chrissie in that it seems that everything works out for Stephanie and that nobody seems to notice or care, however, I found myself growing quickly weary of her complaining and speculation. This relegates Chrissie from a potential sympathetic character to simply one who is borderline annoying. Because of her behaviour, at times I was rooting for Stephanie for having her way and getting underneath Chrissie's skin. On the other hand, this just might be what works for this particular story.
Oftentimes the interactions between characters is conversational and, at times, mundane. Being in an office setting, it's very reminiscent of water cooler talk, which is fine, however, a lot of what was said didn't really help push the story along. Most of it felt like a review of what we've just seen or heard, a reevaluation of information that we already gathered. Even towards the end of the script there are moments when Chrissie, Amy, and the rest of the staff are commiserating over and speculating about Stephanie, but there is really no further need for it. Within the first 20 pages we understand that Chrissie and Stephanie don't necessarily like each other; from hereon in the story should move on. Chrissie loves to dwell on high school almost as much as Wes loves to flashback to his past, but is there a real need for it? (Though I did enjoy how after each of Wes' flashbacks, Chrissie corrects him and tells it as it really happened).
The characters are somewhat flat and monotone. While each of their stances and perspectives are somewhat different, they more often than not speak with the same voice. On the other hand, this is something that will most likely be improved upon if and when the film is casted. Smart, entertaining actors will breathe life into these characters. I guess the main point I'm trying to make here is to give each of the characters a true, unique identity, otherwise, it's simply the author speaking through multiple yet similar voices.
Structure is somewhat present, however, as stated above, there wasn't any real conflict save for Stephanie constantly annoying Chrissie. Perhaps every 6-10 pages, Stephanie can find a new, more complex, more severe way of interfering with Chrissie's intact life. Think of The Dark Knight: The Joker constantly tries to one-up Batman, and for each scheme that Batman believes he has foiled, it really turns out that he's in the middle of the next scheme that is already in motion. Now, Stephanie and Chrissie's rivalry isn't as harsh or as epic as The Dark Knight, but it can be just as quick and hasty. How will one outdo the the other? And how will this affect them? And the others surrounding them? Give us stakes! You have stakes, you have your beats! You have your beats, you have your structure!
I would love to know what Big Texas Living really publishes. Perhaps Stephanie and Chrissie take their rivalry to new heights by publishing discriminating and incriminating things about themselves. I felt that the fact that they were in a magazine publishing office was not put to any use. I did think of how interesting it would be if, say, Chrissie wasn't really doing too well at her job and is struggling for material; Stephanie comes into the picture; gets the job; their rivalry reignites; they then take their rivalry to new heights when one of them publishes an article about the other, perhaps exposing some dirty secrets; and instead of being punished or fired, Cliff decides that they should continue to write nasty articles about themselves as their readership spiked with their first article; and then take it from there. Now, this might not be the way you want to go about it, but it makes for an interesting premise, lures the reader into wanting to know what dirty secret will be revealed next, and how far it will go. But, of course, the choice is up to you.
While I'm a huge fan of long scripts and films, I do, however, feel that this script can be shortened to 90 and under. That being said, it was a clean and fluid read, and I sincerely hope to read more of your work in the future.
All the best and KEEP WRITING!
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The overall premise was good and I liked the story line. The acting was sub par. The problem I had was that the jokes could would have been funnier if they had been delivered properly. The acting killed most of the jokes although I used my imagination to laugh. It took me three looks to finally see passed the acting. The lighting at times was sub par but the voice overs...
The overall premise was good and I liked the story line. The acting was sub par. The problem I had was that the jokes could would have been funnier if they had been delivered properly. The acting killed most of the jokes although I used my imagination to laugh. It took me three looks to finally see passed the acting. The lighting at times was sub par but the voice overs were choppy in some spots. I'm not sure if I was the only to catch the voice over flaws or if it wasn't as noticeable to others. I did not see what corrections were made, but I would love to have seen what the first draft consisted of so that I could see if you really paid attention to T/S. Good luck.
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This will probably be less than a minute. I liked this short. I'm quite sure that most everyone would like to be or spend time with their loved ones if a life threatening event was to occur. I thought that the films texture was great and the delivery of the film seemed to be well thought out. Good direction and the actors seemed competent enough to deliver the message...
This will probably be less than a minute. I liked this short. I'm quite sure that most everyone would like to be or spend time with their loved ones if a life threatening event was to occur. I thought that the films texture was great and the delivery of the film seemed to be well thought out. Good direction and the actors seemed competent enough to deliver the message. All actors don't do a good job and therefore the meaning becomes distorted or non existent. Good job.
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I liked the idea of the whole spit personality thing. However, I don't think you pulled it off as well as you could have done. The acting was OK but could have been a lot better, resulting in a better overall short film. I guessed from the end scene that the guy in his head had taken over completely, but I wasn't sure if this is what you were trying to convey.
Overall...
I liked the idea of the whole spit personality thing. However, I don't think you pulled it off as well as you could have done. The acting was OK but could have been a lot better, resulting in a better overall short film. I guessed from the end scene that the guy in his head had taken over completely, but I wasn't sure if this is what you were trying to convey.
Overall verdict - Nice idea, but could do with a few improvements.
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A cute little short with a moral.
I thought this was well done, maybe a little rough in places, but it came across well overall. I bet you put this together on a super low budget.
I loved the dreaming-of-money in animation - brilliant idea. The ending was great.
The dialogue was a little simple, but it worked for me.
The story starts out interesting and then falls from there. Great opening scene of Malcolm dying. I would tighten and touch up the dialogue though.
Don't understand why this story is about Darius when it's Law who's in trouble. Why does Darius need a brother at all? Have him be the one who kills Malcolm because he's the reason why his mom went back to drugs.
Here's...
The story starts out interesting and then falls from there. Great opening scene of Malcolm dying. I would tighten and touch up the dialogue though.
Don't understand why this story is about Darius when it's Law who's in trouble. Why does Darius need a brother at all? Have him be the one who kills Malcolm because he's the reason why his mom went back to drugs.
Here's my take on the story. Innercity kid returns from college to find that while he was bettering himself, his mother was becoming addicted to drugs. Upset at the element that made his mom a junkie, he goes on the hunt for the man responsible.
That is an excellent motivator to kill someone. A lot of dialogue is redundant. We don't need to have Darius rehash the events to Arial. Doesn't advance the story. She doesn't need to know anything. In fact, you would think Darius would want to hide this part of his life from her.
Darius talks like a hood even though he is college educated. Have his speak better. That would definitely make him stand out when he is home with Buster and Calvin and the other hometown guys. Make Darius stand out this way. The guys resent him for leaving and bettering himself.
Too much use of the word s'goodie. Use it once or twice and let it go.
Also, yes, Darius has returned home after a time away at school. We don't need every single person from his old neighborhood tell him how long it's been since they have seen him.
I love that the mother Janet is a drug addict. That is excellent! But if you had him come home from school to find her addicted and messed up, that adds to the conflicted feeling Darius has. On the one hand, he wants to get away from the life, but he abandons his mother to do it.
I do not want to discourage you because this story has plenty of potential. It needs a lot of editing and more emotion and desription. Plot your story better. We don't need to introduce so many characters if they don't advance the plot. And eliminate the dialogue that doesn't matter.
Keep working on this! I know you have other screenplays but this one has potential.
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Watching "A Random Chase", and knowing that it was made to simply showcase the director's overall set of skills, you have to adjust to the way you would normally critique a short. With that said, there is some potential in this being a successful short if the director were to follow through on it. Here's what could possibly work:
Sound Design: With any good, dark thriller,...
Watching "A Random Chase", and knowing that it was made to simply showcase the director's overall set of skills, you have to adjust to the way you would normally critique a short. With that said, there is some potential in this being a successful short if the director were to follow through on it. Here's what could possibly work:
Sound Design: With any good, dark thriller, the quality of the sound and the placement of sound needs to be spot on in order to tell a story. Having the music change tones at certain points really emphasizes certain emotions.
Cinematography: Depending on how gritty you want to make it look, lighting is a very important key in these kinds of shorts. While there are some spots where the lighting could be adjusted, the overall lighting was pretty good.
I really hope that the director follows through to make a short so that I could give a comprehensive review which would better suit the director. With that being said, you have some good potential.
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I shouldn't be reviewing this as story - short, I'll grant you - but never a story.
What did interest me was the idea of an evil Cupid, this could be a winner. If you developed the idea more, perhaps get him a bungling sidekick or have a Mrs Cupid nagging at him constantly? It might also be a good idea for him to have an arch enemy who is always trying to put right Cupid's...
I shouldn't be reviewing this as story - short, I'll grant you - but never a story.
What did interest me was the idea of an evil Cupid, this could be a winner. If you developed the idea more, perhaps get him a bungling sidekick or have a Mrs Cupid nagging at him constantly? It might also be a good idea for him to have an arch enemy who is always trying to put right Cupid's misdeeds - There you are I've given you some plot lines for free! You can't ask fairer from that from a reviewer. You could also work on the formatting bring the lines closer for more impact. Good luck with this.
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Great concept having Jesus and Santa chat, but I'm uncertain if the computer 'speak' is intentional or the best audio the producers could muster; inserting normal talk might have made the film more engaging, more easy to listen to as I struggled to hear some parts. Having Jesus use vulgar terms was really out of character, but for Santa, getting smokes at Walmart was spot-on...
Great concept having Jesus and Santa chat, but I'm uncertain if the computer 'speak' is intentional or the best audio the producers could muster; inserting normal talk might have made the film more engaging, more easy to listen to as I struggled to hear some parts. Having Jesus use vulgar terms was really out of character, but for Santa, getting smokes at Walmart was spot-on.
The computer animation was well produced and the cuts, angles, wide shots, were camera-like, thought I was in the bar with the "guys." I didn't get the ending with the woman and Jesus making hand gestures, should have ended with Santa walking away, Fade to Black.
Overall, a very good concept, production, execution.
Amen.
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I don't know if I fully understood the ending of this short film, but I still enjoyed it. The film was shot very well, I thought the cinematography was one of this films key selling points, so great job on that! The acting was fine for what it was, it's difficult to judge an actor without hearing there voice. However, it certainly wasn't bad at all. The ending was a little...
I don't know if I fully understood the ending of this short film, but I still enjoyed it. The film was shot very well, I thought the cinematography was one of this films key selling points, so great job on that! The acting was fine for what it was, it's difficult to judge an actor without hearing there voice. However, it certainly wasn't bad at all. The ending was a little confusing, I didn't get why the main guy was in ground, was it all just a dream sequence, I guess so from the title.
Overall - Great job! However the ending could have been clarified a little more.
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Hi Dan,
A fine story, well written. Most of the things I noticed that are of concern is getting to Paul and Haley’s relationship a little quicker (in the notes). I think you did a fine job with the Haley character. She was sweet, pretty and her youthful exuberance and vitality jumped from the page. She was easy to visualize. Paul was bit more complex, it was tough getting...
Hi Dan,
A fine story, well written. Most of the things I noticed that are of concern is getting to Paul and Haley’s relationship a little quicker (in the notes). I think you did a fine job with the Haley character. She was sweet, pretty and her youthful exuberance and vitality jumped from the page. She was easy to visualize. Paul was bit more complex, it was tough getting inside his thoughts. A lot of the concerns regarding Paul are in the notes and it mostly revolves around the Paul/Haley dynamic. And if you’d like to know as a reader if I thought they should “done it”, the answer is without a doubt, yes. It would make this story more special. I hope it’s something you consider in the re-writes.
Notes-
On the first page, I felt I was being banged over the head with the information that Paul was a widower but I like how you balance that with nothing about the dead wife for many pages after that. I’m wondering how long Paul has been without a mate. I’ve known people that have had their time cut short together and sometimes they don’t move anything around the house for quite awhile. Calendars don’t move, the same songs can get played repeatedly in the lonely house, a perpetual pile of dishes. It looks as if Paul has moved on from this phase of grief. I would use that time of losing your partner, mining the inherent conflict in this phase of his grieving if it were my story. But it’s not my story, so let’s see what you got!
The main character, Paul, reminds me a little bit of the lead in “The Accidental Tourist.” If you haven’t seen it, I recommend it.
There are many instances where the character’s actions are written in the wrylies/parentheticals. Personally, I would avoid that. If they’re actions, they should be in the actions or description lines.
I did not get much subtext from the morning meeting. Paul is older than his colleagues and in a higher position. Everybody seems to answer to him to some degree. Is Craig trying to get rid of Paul? I sense tension in the scene, but it’s hard to tell if there’s more subtext to the scene.
All numbers should be spelled out: Example: 5 = five.
It reads very fast, vertical text, lots of dialogue. Good job on that. There’s just not much intrigue in the story. I feel like he’s going to get with Sonja unless he sleeps with Haley. Haley and Paul have had some flirty moments but it’s kind of tame to me.
46- there should be action/description line immediately following slugline to establish the scene.
By this part of the script, it’s pretty clear that if everybody stays true to the characters as they’ve been portrayed to this point, Haley and Paul are not going to get together. Paul’s paternal moment following her home after her night of having a bit too much to drink was pretty sweet and I was glad there nothing about Paul that’s slimy. So, the while the story’s has a certain sweetness about it, the stakes in the script aren’t terribly high, and conflicts and obstacles seem few and far between.
Haley and Paul need more contrast between them. Not in an over-the-top way, it’s not that kind of story. This is more of a character study, but in storytelling, beats are beats. The way to generate beats for this script is to have the characters opposite in nature to one another. One other item of note (a biggie) is that this story is held together by one question: Will they or won’t they? If we don’t know, then our goal as a reader is to find the answer. Your job as a writer is to hold back the information until we need it, and that’s the end of the story, usually. Give us glimpses of the answer. One scene says yes, they will. Another scene says no, they won’t. In other words, you need to give the reader the hope that either answer is possible, and by the end, either answer will satisfy the story. IMO, This line kills the hope that they will, right in the middle of the script.
On page 48, when Paul says, He was… trying to… get into… your folder to see your… documents.” It’s funny line, by the way. It works. It’s Paul. But I believe if you were to turn that scene differently, it would go a long way in avoiding the answering of major questions too early in the telling.
You have Haley laugh it off, but I thought the moment was so ripe for a progression. I felt Haley could have had a moment where a button was pushed. And pushing her button would have pushed Paul’s buttons. Now, we can SEE the differences between the two because you’re shining light in their dark places. Their conversation could have been frank without being tawdry. The way you have it now is Haley cares far too much what Paul thinks of her. An “irresistible force” compels you to acknowledge its existence.
Romantically, Does Paul think he is too old for Haley? Sexually, Does Haley think Paul is too old? When Paul says, “enough of this topic”, I cringed. Why would an older guy talking to a vibrant young woman want to change the subject of sex to some other meaningless dialogue? And since it doesn’t seem like either one has enjoyed “somebody else” in a while, what would be the reason to cut off this possibly scintillating conversation? It doesn’t ring true. Now, if Paul could convey the feeling that it feels like cheating when he discusses a taboo subject with the opposite sex, I could believe that. That’s why I think the beginning of where you start your story is flawed. His grief has passed and it doesn’t seem like Paul has any needs. That’s why Haley’s there. She is there to help Paul discover what he needs to keep going. I like your title, but there isn’t a lot in the story that proves Haley is that Irresistible Force. Haley should push, pull, cajole, entice, flirt, piss off, persuade, pester Paul into letting go. And the relationship should have benefits for both. Other than Paul guarding Haley’s bajingo, cock-blocking, whatever you want to call it, what else does he do for her? The benefits shouldn’t be work-related because you’ve already shown that she is self-starter and a solid worker.
There are too many scenes in the office, it’s mundane and the story doesn’t really progress. I think this story needs an activity that is away from the workplace. Something they can do together, something Paul can teach her. An activity or hobby that gets them alone.
52- the dialogue between Sonja and Paul was off for me. Paul asking Sonja if she felt threatened by Haley was too on-the-nose and yet, it wasn’t clear. How was Haley a threat to Sonja? Was it because of Sonja’s secret feelings she harbors for Paul? When one woman considers another woman as possessing a natural ability to garner unsolicited attention from men, the woman in question is considered a threat by the person commenting. Paul is daydreaming in Haley’s direction. Sonja sees it and comments on what’s in front of her. It doesn’t have anything to do with how far Haley’s potential will reach. I think Sonja should be more frustrated than jealous. It gives away too much, too soon.
53- Haley seems obtuse here. She’s got to know this would probably embarrass Paul in front of co-workers. Wondering why she did that. Confused.
56- Touting Haley here seems out of place here since the last scene has her looking dense concerning his feelings.
All of the above concerns were pretty much covered in the script from this point on. The outdoor scenes. Haley pushing Paul's buttons, etc. Maybe I was impatient for the story to progress, maybe you could begin these points a little earlier. Nevertheless, from here on out, it was an extremely fast read to the end. Haley came alive with her wit and thus, was easy to visualize. Paul also had his moments I guess I’m at a loss for how I feel about Paul. He obviously cared for Haley, and it was more than paternal affection, based on his conversation with his friend, Jack. He just never seemed to know if he wanted to date someone or not. Conversations with the doctor, Stephanie, Sonja, Jack, etc. turned up no new ground. He was engaging at times, he just didn’t want to, or couldn’t, pull the trigger.
Ramp up the action a little faster.
A couple of things I would add: A confession of his true feelings, Haley wanting to know how his wife died. And pinching Haley’s butt on the dance floor, I would drop. That was so old-fashioned I can hear a school bell clanging from atop an old red barn.
One more thing, what’s Sonja up to these days?
Good luck in your writing,
Rickey
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I was truly expecting a lot more after reading the logline, but I was sadly disappointed, although the editing was kinda neat, thought I was watching a remake of Eraserhead, at least the trailer.
Film did not make any sense at all, but I'll pay $.99 for the single on itunes.
Concept: The discovery of an antique knife at an antique fair is destined for a more macabre purpose. Nicely introduced. Gives it a nice angle.
Story: It was short, and sparse. I liked the way it focused on the knife and gave us some background to it too. It wasn’t until the end that you revealed the twist, and I hadn’t guessed that from the narrator’s voice.
Structure: The...
Concept: The discovery of an antique knife at an antique fair is destined for a more macabre purpose. Nicely introduced. Gives it a nice angle.
Story: It was short, and sparse. I liked the way it focused on the knife and gave us some background to it too. It wasn’t until the end that you revealed the twist, and I hadn’t guessed that from the narrator’s voice.
Structure: The structure was fine. In a story this short there’s no need for anything fancy.
Character: I sensed the narrator’s character from his voice, but I didn’t have a clear picture of him. By using a first person voice in a story it’s difficult to get across a glimpse of the main character unless he/she is seen through the eyes of other characters. All we got of your narrator was that he was male (I would guess) as the stall woman was flirting with him a bit, and he had an interest / knowledge about antiques / knives / World War II. I think you could work a little at imbuing the protagonist with a bit more background, character idiosyncrasies or physical description. Maybe we could have got into his mind just a little more. Give us a hint perhaps about what drove him to do what he does.
Dialogue: Try to use dialogue in a way that it packs a punch, or tells us something that can’t be told another way. Avoid using dialogue just to back up obvious actions (see notes below). Also, you don’t need to introduce each line of dialogue before it is spoken. Often when two people talk, you only need to tell us every few lines who said what.
Style: They don’t ask us to give you a grade for this but I think it’s important in a story. You have a nice clear writing style that’s easy to read. I like the simplicity of your style; the short sentences and basic vocabulary. It goes with the story you’re trying to tell and it’s quite individual.
Watch out for punctuation though. You may need to ask someone to proofread your work for you if you want to send your stories off. I’ve made a few pedantic notes below…
Notes:
p.1 cardigan, The = full stop, not comma
p.1 ‘I moved the cardigan and examined it closely’ – the ‘it’ in this sentence would imply the cardigan.
p.1 ‘The woman stood…’ – technically, this is incorrect grammar, though it is common in colloquial and regional English. As you are not using it in dialogue, I would suggest: ‘The woman (who was) standing…’
p.1 screamed, ‘I want…’ = screamed: ‘I want…’ (colon)
p.2 I pointed politely and asked her very casually,
‘Morning. How much do you want for the knife?’
I don’t think you need to give us both the dialogue and the fact that you asked. Choose one or the other, eg: ‘I pointed politely and casually asked how much the knife cost.’ Or ‘I pointed politely. “How much…?” etc.
p.2 thoughtfully, ‘Well…’ = thoughtfully. ‘Well…’ (full stop, not comma)
p.2 ‘…from the war?’ = why the question mark?
p.2 it’s value = its value
p.2 with a shrug, she smiled hopefully = with a shrug, smiling hopefully.
p.2 appealingly, she spoke firmly = appealingly. She spoke firmly.
p.2 killed, he… = killed. He…
p.3 main task was make = main task was to make
p.3 lightening = lightning
p.3 minutely, = minutely.
p.3 their business it was = their business. It was
p.4 Her husky voice spoke to me, ‘Well…’ = ‘Well, have you decided?’ she asked in her husky voice. (I think this would sound better after the line, as quite a lot of your lines of dialogue are introduced before they are spoken which takes away from the strength of the dialogue).
p.4 Yes, (full stop). It will be Thursday, early evening (full stop). Can you…?
p.4 the line, (full stop).
p.4 She was a cool one. Full stop. Delete: I spoke. (Not necessary).
p.4 If you can kill him. You can… = (comma) If you can kill him, you can…
p.5 Delete the second ‘The End’
Also your logline: When a man goes shopping, (comma) it’s not…
Good luck with it.
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I really liked this, although it was pretty short. Nevertheless, the edits were good, very nice mood setting, and certainly gave me pause, that if I am ever walking up steps,....look behind me. You show a lot of promise, and just an fyi, with a film this short, don't spend as much time on your credits as you did on shooting the film.Look forward to your future films.
I’m kinda tired of being assigned the “action” genre of recycled video game/comic hero/Schwarzenegger style scripts. So I like getting a comedy assignment. And to your advantage, I’m usually more easygoing in critiquing.
First of all, this script is a great concept of teaming up the acting coach with lawyers, and I could see lots of comedic possibilities exploiting the...
I’m kinda tired of being assigned the “action” genre of recycled video game/comic hero/Schwarzenegger style scripts. So I like getting a comedy assignment. And to your advantage, I’m usually more easygoing in critiquing.
First of all, this script is a great concept of teaming up the acting coach with lawyers, and I could see lots of comedic possibilities exploiting the courtroom genre.
However, I tend to favor the zany or Monty Python, more over-the-top kind of comedy [although Van is right up there in that regard!] rather than the tried and true sit-com formula. Unfortunately, the comedy of this script is a bit “precious” and “expected”. Some scenarios don’t seem very fresh, and basically nothing surprised me. It was all pretty entertaining with perfect pacing and quick concise scenes. You’ve got the structure done as well. This was good fun to read, but in the end, will it be memorable? What can kick this up from being a good script to a GREAT script?
One complaint: In the first 20 pages, a LOT of characters are introduced, and I had some trouble dealing with such a quick succession of new faces. It also appears many of them don’t figure into the story later; could some be consolidated or eliminated?
Misc:
p6 Ian? or Dean?
p90 “Danny goes.” Seemed odd; I would think that Danny would “ponder” Norman’s attitude before closing the scene. (And eventually I see, Danny does realize he’s shortchanging Norman.)
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