• by filmfamman on 05/09/2014
    This was more like a treatment for a short story, but it was a good start. It needs to be fleshed out a lot more. The characterization had a good foot hold, especially with Jimmy and showing how he really is a sociopath. But all of the characters need much more detail drawn into them, particularly Pastor Allen. The end was too brief, as was the beginning and the middle... read
  • by micheleraedejean on 05/09/2014
    I liked the sentiment behind this story. It was written in a very straight forward way and was easy to read but it didn’t evoke as much emotion as I think it could. I didn’t get enough of read on Eddie, he wasn’t as sympathetic a character as I feel he should be. “At the end of the bar Eddie noticed his uncle Bill, double-chinned and hitting sixty, order two pints in a suit... read
  • by WillMalin on 05/09/2014
    Overall I really liked the idea, thought it was very original. Like most science fiction, it has a tendency to be confusing as it implicitly incorporates technology and other things we’ve never come across. Try to explain a bit better, especially scenes like the training with the mirrors on the moon. Also, a bit more backstory to the characters is important to understanding... read
  • by micheleraedejean on 05/09/2014
    This story reminds me of the journal I kept when I went to Spain, and perhaps that's what this is. I took my journal out and spiced it up to create stories for that trip which is what this seems to be lacking. You just mention the names of the places you visited but it would greatly enhance the story for you to include some more vivid descriptions of those locations as well... read
  • by Jason Asnes on 05/09/2014
    There’s good news & bad news about this screenplay; first, the good news. It’s an action filled story that moves well, has lots of twists, & keeps you involved. You can see the plot develop well, & it’s climactic ending would film well. Now, the bad news- it seems like you didn’t proof read this at all; not one bit. There’s really horrible punctuation & grammar, many words... read
  • A review of Sher Singh
    by WillMalin on 05/09/2014
    The ending was great. Because there are no humans who can understand the animals, I think you should erase almost all the animals speaking with the exception of the rooster; it would be funny to have subtitles for his morning announcements. There were a lot of grammatical errors, I think you should go over this again, read it aloud, and edit it thoroughly. I’ve included a... read
  • A review of SLIP/THROUGH
    by Russ2007 on 05/10/2014
    OPENING TWENTY FIVE PAGES: Questions you need to ask yourself: Do they establish the tone of the story? Do they set up the world this story is set in? Do these opening scenes hook and draw the reader into the world the characters live in? Are the opening pages written cleanly, efficiently and easy to follow? Are the character introductions long winded? STORY / PLOT: Is... read
  • A review of The Pact
    by dougmattingly on 05/10/2014
    I think the film suffers from technical problems mostly, sound being possibly the biggest issue. While the visual of the rooftop is very nice, the problems it presents for sound are immediately apparent. The actors' dialogue is often hard to hear. When an actor is closer to the camera, he is heard more clearly, leading me to believe that the sound was captured directly in... read
  • A review of A Very Important Call
    by dougmattingly on 05/10/2014
    One of the challenges to independent short film making is making a film you can afford to make. These film makers did a good job keeping it simple: one actor in one room. I've never been a fan of telephone calls in films. I think that if you can find a way to get two characters together in one place to talk, you're much better off. It's much more visually interesting than... read
  • by Peter M Love on 05/10/2014
    Well done on finishing a script. It's hard work and requires dedication. I think the best thing you can do right now, is take a break from this. Read some screenplay books. Pick up some other books around the subject. Read lots of other scripts. Then I'd write a different screenplay. At the moment, there are so many things that need to change here, it's a big ask and I don't... read
  • by kamalkrishan on 05/10/2014
    That thing with the Dolphins, is that really true? This script has a world of its own. Strangely detached from the real world and yet not too far away either. The atmosphere that gets created with all that detailing is very visual. It is a good attempt to conform to classic noir traditions. On the flip side, it turns too predictable. I was waiting for some sort of a shocking... read
  • by theauthor on 05/10/2014
    I think I read this before, maybe an early version perhaps? Never post a SP with an old date, either no date or update it to 2/13/04. This was a very good attempt for a young school-age person. The dialogue rings true. However, everyday dialogue needs to be amped-up to draw attention, and not just by arguing as on page 1. I look to see where did the story really begin. My answer... read
  • by Melinda May on 05/10/2014
    “World on a String,” an extraordinary and ambitious tale, turns the idea of inert space inside out, as ferocious Titans, larger than the known celestial bodies, stalk through space and near omnipotent Atlases rearrange planets like one might move furniture. So sets the stage for World on a String. Within this larger story, lies an interesting subplot which also centers around... read
  • A review of Regret
    by rtori on 05/10/2014
    The whole thing looks like you're videotaping an audition in your apartment. The lighting is flat, you have no props feeling the frame, like in the overlong opening scene where they are talking at that table in front of a white wall. Also, you don't really know where the characters are. Is it a hospital, a cafeteria...? There is no real sense of time and space. You need... read
  • by Last Fountain on 05/10/2014
    Who knew music and gangsters were made for each other. Revenge drives a music lover down a twisted and dangerous path. His politician father is murdered. His uncle in crime takes him under his wing. And teaches him to wait for revenge. ALBUMOLOGY shows us the true effects of our choices. Choose carefully. ___THE FIRST 30 PAGES (THE SET-UP)...__________   Nice way to open... read