Reviews
Lex Talionis: Blood in the Alley leaves me with mixed emotions. The story itself is an exciting tale of a vampire hunter I assume. I was easily lost in the story, escpecially when I was reading about a male who was grimacing at the taste of old blood.
I think this story has quite a bit of potential. A good vampire story is diffcult to come by. I was under the impression...
Lex Talionis: Blood in the Alley leaves me with mixed emotions. The story itself is an exciting tale of a vampire hunter I assume. I was easily lost in the story, escpecially when I was reading about a male who was grimacing at the taste of old blood.
I think this story has quite a bit of potential. A good vampire story is diffcult to come by. I was under the impression that the hunter was similar to a character from Terminator, but vampires are centuries old and I have yet to read about a vampire who travels through time. I may be rambling, again, I was lost twice in the story.
Overall, this was a fabulous story with exciting details. I give this two thumbs up. I think this could be an excellent novel.
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What an interesting way to structure what could have otherwise been a dry read! It was great idea to frame the action of the story within a flashback from the lunch table. I really like your character's narration, it feels like he's floating through his memories. The way that he presents time to us feels very fluid, and you transition very smoothly from past to present...
What an interesting way to structure what could have otherwise been a dry read! It was great idea to frame the action of the story within a flashback from the lunch table. I really like your character's narration, it feels like he's floating through his memories. The way that he presents time to us feels very fluid, and you transition very smoothly from past to present.
I also thought you presented a very colourful depiction of the party that he attended way back when. Great attention to detail in describing background characters like the record label's president (and also his companions, the two vice-presidents). I think that little bits of creativity like that make this a much more enjoyable read. I thought it was a little strange that your character seemed to narrate with a very cynical view of this party and the lifestyle of that time period, he had a very "I've seen it all" tone about him, which didn't mesh well with the main moral conflict of the story. The tone of the narration implied that your character, Robert, had no innocence left in him but then he is very conflicted about having an affair with a married woman.
Another small thing is that often I had difficulty understanding which character was speaking during dialogue portions. I know it gets tiresome to write "he said, she said" and the like, but some sort of indicator is really necessary to make it clear who is saying what.
Great story, I'm looking forward to more!
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I was excited to see that I was assigned yet another one of your stories. The Flyover is a story of a gentleman who becomes jealous when his girlfriend wants to take a break.
As usual, the words are descriptive and playful. The story flows nicely. I don't have any complaints. I enjoyed this story from beginning to end. I thought the ending was pretty funny. He thinks of...
I was excited to see that I was assigned yet another one of your stories. The Flyover is a story of a gentleman who becomes jealous when his girlfriend wants to take a break.
As usual, the words are descriptive and playful. The story flows nicely. I don't have any complaints. I enjoyed this story from beginning to end. I thought the ending was pretty funny. He thinks of the individual everytime he passes an area and their son bears a striking resemblance to the man he murdered.
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I have to give tomasy credit for writing creatively with a fresh approach. For me, I'm not sure putting the narrator in the position of being the protagonist quite worked. It felt a little distracting and instead of pulling me more tightly into the story--which I would guess was the intention--it removed me from it by forcing me to pay attention to the literary device used...
I have to give tomasy credit for writing creatively with a fresh approach. For me, I'm not sure putting the narrator in the position of being the protagonist quite worked. It felt a little distracting and instead of pulling me more tightly into the story--which I would guess was the intention--it removed me from it by forcing me to pay attention to the literary device used.
That said, the story has vivid detail and believable characters. There was a steady escalation in the story arc between the protagonist and Steiner and, certainly the reader was chomping for revenge on Steiner.
I was beginning to weary of the corporate world game playing and then the mysterious, magical book in the European bookstore piqued my interest. Very much enjoyed the scene in the bookstore, with the multi-sensory experience the protagonist had with his encounter with the book of spells. While the ending was satisfying in that Steiner was memorably defeated, it felt just a bit hurried and more than a bit over the top. Not sure the brain fragments needed to land in the interviewer's mouth.
All in all, it's an interesting story that I'd enjoy reading again after some edits.
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"Long Time Friends" captures a brief time, a fleeting encounter between two friends, one of whom has more than platonic feelings for the other.
The playful banter between the two main characters, Dana and Henry, was very well done and natural. They were both likable and the reader could sense why there would be an attraction between them. As Henry revealed his lukewarm feelings...
"Long Time Friends" captures a brief time, a fleeting encounter between two friends, one of whom has more than platonic feelings for the other.
The playful banter between the two main characters, Dana and Henry, was very well done and natural. They were both likable and the reader could sense why there would be an attraction between them. As Henry revealed his lukewarm feelings about his marriage, it was understandable that he'd have hopes that something could come of his long time friendship with Dana. I thought Dana's reaction, given her earlier playfulness, seemed a bit overly harsh. Perhaps I expected her to show more concern towards Henry. There could have been a discussion of how awkward things would become, given that they enjoyed shared family vacations. Some kind of empathy from her.
It did feel more like a vignette than a story with a strong arc. Near the end, we saw that Henry's wife was indeed controlling and annoying. And then it felt the story ended abruptly. I think a good edit would serve the story well. There could also be some details added that made it less predictable and increased the tension overall.
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One of our duties as writers is to entertain. I'd say that this story does that and some. I loved the way you slowly and gently brought your reader into the story. Not a lot really happened, and that's why it worked, you caught that moment for a boy between childhood and puberty exactly right. This was a thoughtful measured piece that I enjoyed immensely. For me this really...
One of our duties as writers is to entertain. I'd say that this story does that and some. I loved the way you slowly and gently brought your reader into the story. Not a lot really happened, and that's why it worked, you caught that moment for a boy between childhood and puberty exactly right. This was a thoughtful measured piece that I enjoyed immensely. For me this really worked. If I'm looking to be picky, I thought you rushed the end a little. You could have held the tension a little longer and I'm not sure if the way you constantly kept repeating the "The Day He Almost Died" throughout the story helped it much. I'm also unsure about your formatting, but that maybe because I'm English and we do it different. Good luck with your writing. You are good.
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I have to say straight away that this story does what it is supposed to do--it flows and progresses and gets to the point of storytelling. I've been reading a good amount of stories on this site and The Flyover is a example of what a short story should be. It moves along well and the dialogue fits well within the structure. It's straight to the point. You think you're reading...
I have to say straight away that this story does what it is supposed to do--it flows and progresses and gets to the point of storytelling. I've been reading a good amount of stories on this site and The Flyover is a example of what a short story should be. It moves along well and the dialogue fits well within the structure. It's straight to the point. You think you're reading a nice story about a romance and perhaps a break up with heart break, but there is slight, violent twist. An intent of a beating turns to murder. I really liked the story. I think the reader can relate to the main character and the potential loss of love and heart break. So, I didn't feel too bad when he thumped Gareth. That's a testament to a story. I felt empathy because I could relate to the main character. The dialogue is natural and the characters are quite believable. I felt very comfortable reading about a region of England I'm not too familiar with. It's always good to learn new things! Good job!
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Sometimes you have to read something two or three times to understand a short story, this was one such story. I'm never completely sure if this is a weakness or a strength.
There is something quite unusual about your writing, you really understand the subtle unspoken thoughts that exist between two people. This story however left me strangely unsatisfied. I'm normally telling...
Sometimes you have to read something two or three times to understand a short story, this was one such story. I'm never completely sure if this is a weakness or a strength.
There is something quite unusual about your writing, you really understand the subtle unspoken thoughts that exist between two people. This story however left me strangely unsatisfied. I'm normally telling other writer in my reviews that their stories are too long. I honestly think this might have been better fleshed out a little more. But using the time frame of a short car drive to drive the story quickly was very clever. Final verdict? Great delivery and pace, but a little more content might have helped. You have real talent and skill in telling a tale, I look forward to reading more of your work.
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This is a strong story that combines the harsh realities of war with a good-old fashioned ghost story. The voice of the narrator is consistent and believable and the setting is well done, I can picture the ruins of the war-torn German towns. There is a bit of an issue of going from past to present in tenses, one minute the reader is in the now, the next sentence reliving the...
This is a strong story that combines the harsh realities of war with a good-old fashioned ghost story. The voice of the narrator is consistent and believable and the setting is well done, I can picture the ruins of the war-torn German towns. There is a bit of an issue of going from past to present in tenses, one minute the reader is in the now, the next sentence reliving the past along with the narrator, although it's still the same event. Work on consistency here. I also would have like to have a seen (or read, I guess) more "ghost-like" back story for the ghost sniper, making him, or it, more supernatural. He seemed too much like a real man with a spiritual moniker. Other than that, a fine yarn spun here.
There is, of course, a few grammatical issues (there, their, eerie), misuse of capitalization - that kind of stuff. Also, traditionally there's an indent for dialogue although I'm seeing less and less of that (or paragraph indentations without a line break, for that matter) lately, probably because the default settings on word programs do that. Call me a stickler; I prefer "traditionalist". Try printing out your stories hard copy and going through them with the good ole' red pen. I find this method works for me for editing grammar, punctuation, etc.
I enjoyed the read on the whole and look forward to more.
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It took my a bit to absorb the British lexicon used throughout, but after that it was kind of a neat distraction. It almost felt like I would get my knuckles rapped if I missed the theme of this tale. I really got the feeling of an older person out-of-touch with today's technological society, in both the narrator's voice and the writer's. Some of the lines are very impactful...
It took my a bit to absorb the British lexicon used throughout, but after that it was kind of a neat distraction. It almost felt like I would get my knuckles rapped if I missed the theme of this tale. I really got the feeling of an older person out-of-touch with today's technological society, in both the narrator's voice and the writer's. Some of the lines are very impactful and deliciously succinct, like, "...after my parents had selfishly died in a car crash when I was five." This line says a lot about the narrator whilst economizing words. The amount of hard returns at each transition are over done, I don't want to scroll to continue the story. "...wailing-with-anguish front" perhaps? The twist ending is a nice touch, although a little predictable. I thought the biggest thing lacking in the story was a build-up of suspense, even the climax read dry, although consistent with the rest of the story's "voice". Overall, a decent read. The 23 pages went by at a brisk pace, always a bonus when reviewing.
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At first, I thought that I found something interesting when I saw ..And Don't Stuff Dried Peas Up your Nose. The story is interesting listing rules that mothers of various cultures may say. The downside was that the format of the story was disracting.
Is this an idea for a children's book? I think that would be an excellent concept if it is.
Overall, I was not excited about...
At first, I thought that I found something interesting when I saw ..And Don't Stuff Dried Peas Up your Nose. The story is interesting listing rules that mothers of various cultures may say. The downside was that the format of the story was disracting.
Is this an idea for a children's book? I think that would be an excellent concept if it is.
Overall, I was not excited about this read. I think it would be more interesting to read if the format was different.
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I believe the AMF1 has a great deal he wants to say and a story he feels needs to be told. In "Second Chances", I can see hints of the story's shape, but it needs several edits before it's in a solid short story format.
My suggestions would be to first write out a clear outline that gives the story a beginning, middle, and end in a logical arc; limit the flashbacks; spend...
I believe the AMF1 has a great deal he wants to say and a story he feels needs to be told. In "Second Chances", I can see hints of the story's shape, but it needs several edits before it's in a solid short story format.
My suggestions would be to first write out a clear outline that gives the story a beginning, middle, and end in a logical arc; limit the flashbacks; spend time developing characters' motivations and give the reader physical descriptions so they can visualize what they look like; and build suspense so that the reader can't wait to get to the next sentence. After that, read some short stories so that you're familiar with the format: indentations, dialogue, etc. It's easy to run spell check and review capitalization rules.
After some serious editing is made, the piece would be much more appealing to a reader. It will take time and effort, but if AMF1 truly wants to tell his story, it will be worth it.
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As a short story, "There Goes a Better Man" was a satisfying read with gentle twists that made it feel like it had been time well spent.
The unnamed protagonist felt very real and natural. I would have liked a little hint of a back story to his life prior to joining the band and have some clue as to what he looked like. The heat between Annette and himself was really well...
As a short story, "There Goes a Better Man" was a satisfying read with gentle twists that made it feel like it had been time well spent.
The unnamed protagonist felt very real and natural. I would have liked a little hint of a back story to his life prior to joining the band and have some clue as to what he looked like. The heat between Annette and himself was really well done...it was easy to understand the extent of his temptation, which helped create respect and empathy for him when he walked away--twice. Even Annette, bad in so many ways, was somewhat empathetic, acting-out from loneliness.
Initially, I was a little confused about the present day fight at lunch. Of course, once the twists were revealed, it all made sense. But, until then, the opening felt a little off. Very much liked the final twist.
Well done and thank you for the good read!
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One punch is a morality tale that works quite well, the theme isn't new and the story isn't very original but it's told honestly and with a straight face kind of panache.
I would have been interested to know why the man was been pursued, and I thought the candle was a little lame as a life changing medium. This was a kind of "It's a Wonderful Life" in reverse. I also think...
One punch is a morality tale that works quite well, the theme isn't new and the story isn't very original but it's told honestly and with a straight face kind of panache.
I would have been interested to know why the man was been pursued, and I thought the candle was a little lame as a life changing medium. This was a kind of "It's a Wonderful Life" in reverse. I also think the dialogue was a little flat. But to be fair you told the story quickly with pace and a real beat. Liked it a lot. Look forward to reading more of your work.
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I don't know if you have the expression in the States 'A shaggy dog story'? In England it means a story that has a flat ending, as a listener you're taken in by the detail and then are cheated out of an explosive ending. "Retch McClain" was exactly that.
It was beautifully told, you bring your reader into the young boy's world wonderfully, and I loved the gentle meandering...
I don't know if you have the expression in the States 'A shaggy dog story'? In England it means a story that has a flat ending, as a listener you're taken in by the detail and then are cheated out of an explosive ending. "Retch McClain" was exactly that.
It was beautifully told, you bring your reader into the young boy's world wonderfully, and I loved the gentle meandering journey you took me on. I also enjoyed the Retch character, he reminded me of Huckleberry Finn all grown up. I would have loved a more thrilling climax, I'd suggest that they could have walked by and Biggins could be seen throwing gas over his car and then setting it on fire. But, you'd say I'm been fanciful. Great little story though. Well done.
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