Trigger Street Labs | Recent Comments operations@triggerstreet.com http://labs.triggerstreet.com Help others, help yourself. Feedback. Exposure. Opportunity. en-us Wed, 16 May 2012 21:02:06 -0700 Copyright 2012, Trigger Street Labs 60 Re: James Moriarty http://labs.triggerstreet.com/jamesmoriarty Wed, 16 May 2012 18:25:30 -0700

Posted by: MaxWatt

I'm glad you enjoyed the story, but what the fuck was that review all about? What are you talking about? Try putting in some effort next time instead of just robbing me of my credits.

Don't review my stuff again. ]]> Re: Howie428 http://labs.triggerstreet.com/Howie428 Wed, 16 May 2012 17:18:10 -0700

Posted by: Karl Gorman

Thank you for your constructive and substantial feedback. Especially your reveal of the dreaded "character dump." -- Karl Gorman. ]]> Re: DebraSwan http://labs.triggerstreet.com/debraswan Wed, 16 May 2012 16:16:12 -0700

Posted by: happywash

It was my pleasure to read your script today. I love to read scripts because it helps me get better, and I take it very seriously, so I'm glad you can get something out of it. I look forward to reading more from you! ]]> Re: happywash http://labs.triggerstreet.com/happywash Wed, 16 May 2012 15:40:14 -0700

Posted by: DebraSwan

Thanks so much for your detailed notes on Divine Intervention. Your feedback is consistent with other reviewers and will be very helpful as I work through the next re-write. I appreciate the time you took to be so thorough.

Debra ]]> Re: KentT http://labs.triggerstreet.com/KentT Wed, 16 May 2012 14:51:27 -0700

Posted by: stanlukas

Hey Kent Was not harsh to be honest that is what I wanted and needed to hear.I am thankful and hope if I can get the grammar,spelling and formatting bugs out so the story will have merit.
The T.S. reviews are the best thing that could happen to someone like me who as you point out and I know have not much talent in certain thing needed to write but have a good imagination. So I do thank you for your words they could have been a lot harder I am sure but I don't think that helps anyone.So again thanks for the up front comments and good advice. Stan ]]> Re: Revale http://labs.triggerstreet.com/Revale Wed, 16 May 2012 12:53:45 -0700

Posted by: asankagurusinghe

Thanks Revale for the kind review. I'm going to improve the other one on the site, it's a very early draft. BTW "butters" is a term meaning butt ugly. Take care. ]]> Re: Mike Wolfson http://labs.triggerstreet.com/mikewolfson Wed, 16 May 2012 11:33:50 -0700

Posted by: f-ceska

Hi Mike,

Thanks for your review of 'The Gospel of Maire'. You're right, it is part of a series, but it's the first in the series. The others, in this order are: 'The Gospel of Michael', 'The Gospel of Ryan', 'The Gospel of Grainne', 'The Gospel of Alfonso' and I'm currently writing the penultimate one 'The Gospel of Lucas', which hopefully will be followed by 'the Gospel of Liam'. I hoped to write each one so that it would be a self-contained short story but naturally there are bound to be a few loose ends. (The combined 'novel' will be called 'The Gospels of Eibhlin'. It all started with the screenplay.)

Despite what you might think with all those gospel titles, I'm not in the slightest bit religious myself and I've probably missed a few religious references myself. If you do ever get round to reading any more of them, I hope you'll pick up on what the greater intention of the combined stories are, and it's more to do with how religions are created by people in times of need.

I totally agree with your point about the long, rambling explanations. As this was the first story I was trying to explain it to myself I think. In subsequent stories I think i got a bit better at letting the reader 'join up the dots'.

Your observation about the priest - very astute. You need to read the Gospel of Michael next! About Maire's independence, I think I've been saving that for her daughter, Eibhlin. After all, she's really the heroine of the whole thing, and she has to be totally unlike what you'd expect from a 'saviour'.

I don't remember the original 'Survivors', though I would have been quite young when it was first shown in the UK. I haven't lived in England for nearly 20 years now, so I must have missed the remake. Maybe I'll look out for it. Sounds interesting.

Anyway, thanks again for your positive constructive advice. I will be rewriting them when (if) I finish the whole thing.

Good luck with your work too. I hope to read some more.
Francesca
]]> Re: BeanTown http://labs.triggerstreet.com/beantown Wed, 16 May 2012 10:30:43 -0700

Posted by: DebraSwan

Where ya been - Bean? ]]> Re: stephjones http://labs.triggerstreet.com/stephjones Wed, 16 May 2012 09:11:46 -0700

Posted by: AlCielo

Hey Steph, Thanks for the great review. You hedged a bit about your response, but I think you were exactly right, and your feedback is precisely what I need to take the story to the next level. I recently rewatched Little Miss Sunshine--people can maintain their defenses without resorting to 24/7 cynicism or flippancy, so there's no need to keep everything at the riposte level. Following your suggestions will bring out the heart of the story / characters and maybe make the next draft a final one. ]]> Re: grey http://labs.triggerstreet.com/grey Wed, 16 May 2012 06:47:32 -0700

Posted by: happywash

Thank you for your review of my screenplay Broken. I know it may seem minor, but you pointing out "seeing her anew" and Daniel's scream were two things that I looked over and realized that I was not conveying what I was supposed to convey. I've adjusted those things, and for that, I am grateful. As to the vomit, I am sorry, but I'm sticking to my guns there : ) And as for the synopsis, I wrote it because I knew that the subject matter would turn a lot of people off, so I wanted to give them some reassurance that, at the very least, it wouldn't be a rough read, in a technical sense. I shouldn't say "tear it apart," though, you're right. Once again, thank you for your time and effort. ]]> Re: danemccusker http://labs.triggerstreet.com/danemccusker Wed, 16 May 2012 04:46:19 -0700

Posted by: revendel

hi! thanks for reviewing fitzroy square! yeah a lot of people told me that they were unsure of some of the decisions. the intro scene was too long, i agree but we needed to have something to set the scene in the room, but yeah, we did make a lot of wrong decisions that you correctly pointed out. will do better next time i guess and try not to shoot with a mobile phone and no script and take longer than 2 days to shoot! thanks a lot again for your review! ]]> Re: DontStealMyScript http://labs.triggerstreet.com/dontstealmyscript Tue, 15 May 2012 21:36:12 -0700

Posted by: happywash

Oh, and as to your logline, what you suggested is almost EXACTLY what I wrote, but it wouldn't fit in the 110 character mold (it's 116 characters, 142 with spaces). So I put it in the synopsis. And as far as marketability, I don't expect the studios to pick this up, short of it getting in the hands of a major star who wants to play Daniel. I look at it, right now, as a good writing sample for contests and to get my foot in the door so I can show them my "commercial" scripts. Thanks again! ]]> Re: Iritu1021 http://labs.triggerstreet.com/Iritu1021 Tue, 15 May 2012 17:44:17 -0700

Posted by: Iritu1021

happywash wrote:
Thank you for your review. I KNEW I couldn't get the "death" past you! I've known for a while that killing someone that way is a myth, for the most part. But, like you said, 99 percent won't catch it, so... I don't mind cheating once in a while. Once again, thank you for your detailed review.
\


Sure. I won't tell :) And in that case I will keep my escape from psychiatric hospital scene! ]]> Re: Iritu1021 http://labs.triggerstreet.com/Iritu1021 Tue, 15 May 2012 17:10:52 -0700

Posted by: happywash

Thank you for your review. I KNEW I couldn't get the "death" past you! I've known for a while that killing someone that way is a myth, for the most part. But, like you said, 99 percent won't catch it, so... I don't mind cheating once in a while. Once again, thank you for your detailed review. ]]> Re: DontStealMyScript http://labs.triggerstreet.com/dontstealmyscript Tue, 15 May 2012 17:07:10 -0700

Posted by: happywash

Thank you so much for your thorough review of Broken! You gave me some tweaks to work on. I'm glad my work (for the most part) paid off. It's nice to get a detailed review that shows a person cares about someone else's advancement in screenwriting. ]]> Re: Mike Wolfson http://labs.triggerstreet.com/mikewolfson Tue, 15 May 2012 14:05:25 -0700

Posted by: asankagurusinghe

Thanks Mike for the kind review. There's very few original ideas about- I was influenced by a radio 4 documentary about the poeple that answer ringing phone booths, the Nightjack police blog, Fish Tank, Kill Bill and real life. This was one of the better ones, I've written some shocking stuff before and probably will again. Good luck with your writing. ]]> Re: ErikM http://labs.triggerstreet.com/erikm Tue, 15 May 2012 14:00:30 -0700

Posted by: asankagurusinghe

Thanks for the kind review. The influences were Kill Bill, Fish Tank, the Nightjack police blog, a radio 4 documentary from a few years back about calling up phone booths and real life. ]]> Re: YBU http://labs.triggerstreet.com/ybu Tue, 15 May 2012 13:56:23 -0700

Posted by: asankagurusinghe

Hello YBU, thanks for the kind review. My references were Fish Tank, Kill Bill, Nightjack police blog and a bit of real life. Not being big-headed, it's one of my better stories, some of the others are pretty poor. ]]> Re: Toree.Hill http://labs.triggerstreet.com/toreehill Tue, 15 May 2012 12:47:24 -0700

Posted by: Michael Keller

Welcome to triggerstreet.

Thanks for the kind review! ]]> Re: MANIA http://labs.triggerstreet.com/screenplay/mania Tue, 15 May 2012 11:51:34 -0700

Posted by: Iritu1021

My other script Perfect Mania features a male antagonist instead of Margo. Please help me decide which version works better! ]]>