Review of: A Tru Fairytale 

reviewed by Paul Clarke on 10/19/2011
Credited Review
Paul Clarke
A Fairytale Romp Credited Review
Well, this certainly is one of the more uniquely written scripts I've read here at Triggerstreet. It was a lot of fun to read. Thanks for that.

You have a very distinctive style. With all the extra "Shane Blackisms" and camera directions, it's quite a fun read. However, I'm sure there are some which would tell you that's not the correct technique. But hey, if you've done well in contests with it like that, then why not. I would rather see all the cut to and dissolves removed. I find myself not really taking much notice of them. They don't really affect the story. More of a distraction. Anyway, that would save you some space, it looks like your margins top and bottom are a little smaller than normal, so maybe it would even that out.

Otherwise, the main change I would like to see, in terms of the writing itself (not the content) would be to spread the action through the dialogue. The way you write it, we get a very squashed big chunk of action description, then long passages of dialogue. The dialogue itself is great, don't get me wrong. It just looks better and is more pleasant to read if the action lines are sprinkled throughout. Describe how the characters react to the dialogue.

I loved your characters (especially Bob), very well done. You could possibly try to reduce the number of them? Might be a little complex given it's a family movie. I think you could rearrange the start and remove the two bumpkins who find the frogs, maybe change that to Oscar's scene. Or consider giving Oscar less screen time. His story, mostly takes place away from Tru, and so drags us away from our main story and POV. If you wish to leave his extra scenes in, maybe try to link them in to the main story. Tru doesn't have to be so involved, maybe just watching.

The one character that seems to be missing is an antagonist. Even fairytales have wicked witches and wolves and others. You have these, but they're not against Tru. Not stopping her, not in her way. I think it would add to the drama if there was a character, actually trying to stop Tru reaching her goals. Someone for the audience to focus their attention on.

I really like your theme(s). Firstly, that the princess should have her own adventure and not just sit around and wait for prince charming. Great stuff. Would make selling easier I think. It's important kids these days get modern versions of fairy tales. And also, that you make your own destiny. Good stuff.

In terms of structure, I think it worked well. You did very well getting all those fairy tales into the one story, and almost always with a wonderful twist. I really didn't see most of them coming. However, I think after about page 85, the story sort of wander aimlessly. It just doesn't pack the punch that we deserve after the rest of the story. Maybe it's because Cecil is in trouble and not Tru? I'm not sure. I can't think how it could be done better, but there will be a way. Scriptwriting is mostly problem solving. If you focus your attention on that section, I think it would have the best results. Maybe it's because Jack isn't much of an antagonist, his motives are a little weak.

Anyway, thanks again for the entertaining story. Here are some notes I made while reading:

- Opening shots, maybe need separate scene headings? Are Polly and her parents outside?

- P1: According to your parentheticals, the narrator throws a coin in the well? Okay, I’m being picky.

- P3: Nice twist. Great style.

- P4: Nice dialogue, very Forest Gump like.

- Not sure if you need all the fade to, cut to, and continued’s. They are a little distracting. Looks more like a shooting script.

- Ahh, Oscar has a secret. Most interesting part so far. Breaks away from the otherwise very ‘seen before’ story. Keeps the audience guessing.

- Okay, so the mystery is answered fairly quickly. But it’s nice. Reverse a fairy-tale. Different point of view.

- P34: Seems like lots of characters. Mostly in the interest of gags and not the story. Did we need to two at the beginning, who save the princess? Could it not have been Oscar? Lots of dialogue, very amusing, but just a little hollow at this stage. Characters seem to be there for the purpose of the jokes, not the other way around. Still early days, we’ll see where it all goes.

- P38: Brilliant link-in of yet another fairy tale with a twist. Love it.

- P41: “Wheel barrel” should be Wheelbarrow?

- P41: Last action line is missing the full-stop.

- P43: How do we know she’s the identical twin sister of the other witch? Maybe the narrator could mention it?

- P65: Bridges for bathrooms, brilliant.

- Didn’t like the Bob Charming character at first, but a great twist of events and now he’s brilliant.

- P75: Lovely intertwining of the two stories. Climaxing at the same time.

- P85: It would look cleaner and easier to read if the montage was separated with each new shot on a new line. More white space.

- P86: The story was really fizzing along, last couple of pages have been off. It kind of loses momentum.

I would love to read a revised edition some day, and hopefully there's something here to help with future rewrites. And good luck trying to break in to the business from long distance. I know how that feels.

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