This script has a great concept. The bet, the homeless man, the financier, the project, the romance - it all works. I also appreciate the fact that you made it an easy read that kept me focused the entire time.
Let me also compliment Guy's character development. I like how he becomes this sophisticated being, but still stays true to his roots and his values. You demonstrate this well through his interactions with other homeless people and the rich snubs. Guy doesn't forget where he came from.
I just have a few suggestions that you could take or leave. I thought the body was great, but I think you need a little bit stronger beginning and ending. I'll start with the beginning:
First off, I feel that we too quickly get to 'the bet'. We barely know anything about the main characters, except their names, and they are already telling Harry about this great idea that they have. I think we need to be better introduced to who they are and what they do. By page 10, we only have a little knowledge of the fact that Mia works with cars, and we still have no idea what Poppy does. I think this is something that needs to be revealed in the first 2 to 5 pages. We need to know who these people are, what they do, how they act in different situations, etc.
I think you also need a stronger way of getting to 'the bet' Where did they get this great idea from? I understand that they each broke up with assholes, but to quickly jumped to such a conclusion is a bit contrived. My suggestion is, since this storyline is essentially a modern day Great Expectations, that you could actually have one of the women reading the book in a few of the introductory scenes. She could then combine the book with the break-ups to come up with the idea.
I also feel that you jumped too quickly into them using a homeless man for their project. Why a homeless man, when they could of chosen a guy fresh out of prison or just someone they knew that was down on their luck? They don't even talk about what type of man they would use - it's almost like it's predetermined that a homeless man will be the candidate. Here's something that I thought of:
In the beginning, when Mia throws her tickets in the garbage, she accidentally throws her license in as well. The Homeless Man (Guy) finds it, scalps the ticket and pockets the license, and that's the last we see of him for the night. Then the girls begin their search of the ideal candidate for the experiment - again maybe an ex-prisoner or a student right out of college or something. When they can't find anyone and all hope is basically lost, Guy shows up to Mia's apartment to return the ID. As a reward, they offer him a meal, and after talking with him for a bit, they determine that he would be the best person for the job.
I also think you need a little more reasoning for Guy to go along with all of this. In the beginning, the way they are treating him and how things are going, it seems like he would get fed up with them real quickly and just leave. Why doesn't he? I know he's getting a lot of charity and whatnot, but he's survived long enough on his own, why does he need/want it? Why now?
That really covers my notes on the set up, and like I said, I thought the body was really good. I just have minor suggestions regarding it.
One thing I don't necessarily agree with is how soon Guy reveals the history of his mother to Poppy. At this point, he barely knows her, and he's telling her something that he "never told anyone before"? Granted he doesn't spend much time with people, but why her? I think you might want to have her pry a little at a time and him not reveal anything, and then as they grow closer and closer as the story progresses, then he opens up. --> While we're talking about this, I also think it might be a good idea to have Mia be the one that Guy reveals all of this to, since she is the one that he ends up with in the end. It would be one of the reasons she falls for him.
On a comical note, I was laughing when on page 44 Guy is confused for Colin Firth. I think you should consider using a different actor, since Colin Firth isn't very good looking lol. Maybe a younger, more attractive guy like Jude Law or someone lol.
On to the ending - I feel that the script ends to abruptly. After the ONE YEAR LATER, there are still a couple of loose ends that need to be tied up. For instance, what has Guy been doing all this time? Does he have a job? If so, what part did Mia and Poppy play in getting him this job? Does he have his own place now or is he still on the street?
Also, why haven't Guy and Mia seen each other in a while? The way things were panning out before the One Year Later, it seemed as if the three of them were going to go on and be best friends. Why didn't Guy know about Harry's Homeless Shelter until he picked up the paper? It seems that Guy was removed from that clique, but why?
I also feel that you may want to mention a sentence or two about the Countess whose heart Guy broke. Usually in these types of stories, people separate as they did and then they clear the air in some way, shape, or form, down the road. Has he spoken to her since then? I don't think that her presence is necessary, but maybe just have Guy mention that 'we worked it out and decided to just be friends, she's a great person, but we come from different worlds' - something like that.
To sum it up, I like the story - the plot and the characters work. There are just somethings in the setup and closing that I think need to be a little more in depth, but I think you may have something here. Good luck to you and if you decide to revise the script I would definitely like to read the next version. Take Care.
Review of: The Perfect Gentleman III
reviewed by **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/29/2011
Other Reviews by **DELETED ACCOUNT** 3429
A review of Lost Is Lostby **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 12/10/2013This is the first of your submissions that I've read and i can already tell that you really enjoy giving the reader as many visuals as possible. That can be a good and bad or sometimes just neutral thing. I felt like i was reading more about what to see than what the characters of Eugene and Angie were suppose to be about. Albeit your writing was very fluid i didn't seem to... read
A review of Nightmaresby **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/23/2013It seems unfair to write a review of a film that isn't the final edit so, please, take my comments with a grain of salt. I found the narrative disjointed, granted it's a dream and dreams are disjointed; however the audience still needs to feel like the director is taking them someplace. The boy needs to be more of an active participant. He spends most of the story laying... read
A review of Reeled Inby **DELETED ACCOUNT** on 11/18/2013A really interesting premise and turn of tone, the performances work for the most part although some of the technical inconsistencies can sometimes distract too much to enjoy the narrative and characters, most notably in the first two scenes the reliance on cutting back to the master too often tends to slow the scene down and lose some tension, also the colour grading does... read