A fun read...
Your writing is excellent, very professional, clear and straight to the point. No long paragraphs of needless information which made this a breeze to read through. It’s probably one of the quickest screenplays I’ve read.
The story was fairly standard and nothing ground breaking but that can be said for nearly every slasher on the market nowadays. The most important thing, however, is that this was fun. The interaction between the characters was the strongest point of the script. I laughed at many of the lines and was counting the pages til the next guy made a joke about the size of his or someone else’s private parts.
You handled the two time periods well. The dialogue in the scenes from 1692 sounded natural to me, although I’m far from an expert on that subject. It did confuse me for a minute when George said he had been waiting 300 years for this, and to be honest, it still isn’t 100% clear to me. Maybe you could add a few lines of dialogue to fully clarify this. The opening scene was powerful but little else happened for another 40 or so pages, which runs the risk of disappointing slasher fans.
Characters were good. The dialogue helped immensely with that. Dana, however, came across a bit flat in places. There were times earlier in the script when I was wondering why her friends put up with her. Like when she completely over reacted after the ghost story and wanted to drive home, it didn’t do anything for her character. In a good number of her lines early on, she did nothing but moan and question things. There are other ways you can show her having fun with her friends while showing the problems she had with the letter are still on her mind. First impressions are everything, and I can’t say I liked Dana in the first 30 pages. In contrast, later on in the script, she shares a joke and laughs with Jack while the killer is in sight standing by the boat. Talk about bad timing. The end result was, when she was tied to the stake, I didn’t really feel bad for her, which I should do as she’s the lead.
The only other character I had a problem with was Billie. He is our main bad guy but I don’t think we really got to find out how scary he really is. There was a great opportunity for some suspense when Jack and Dana found the earrings while he entered the house. Instead of a chase around the creepy old house, or even just them hiding while he passes by only a few feet away or something, they bail out quickly with only Jack’s jacket getting caught in the window the only obstacle. Also the name struck me as rather odd. Billie Piper? It was hard to imagine a psycho killer called Billie Piper when he has the exact same name as the famous English ‘actress’ or pop star, whatever. Maybe die hard Dr Who fans will find this a little distracting, it was not a major problem for me but I’ll mention it incase it does bother others. The rest of the characters did their job, Monica did seem a bit odd as she wasn’t scared when the killing started but other than that, you did a great job.
The death scenes satisfied me. Special mention for Sandy running into the blades she found earlier. That was different and unexpected. I also liked the nail file in the eye death, it was a welcome change from the axe. All the deaths were very sudden though. There wasn’t much in the way of long chase scenes or suspense or tension before the deaths. Maybe you could someone trying to escape in the car and Billie giving chase in his truck or something to mix it up a bit. Or a longer, more suspenseful scene in the junk yard as Billie tries to find someone hiding there, maybe have someone fight back and get the better of Billie at one point. Things to consider anyway.
Small note, I didn't find much mistakes but I wasn't really looking. I did notice two cases of you using Nitin's name in the dialogue when you were meaning other characters. Nitin should be George on page 13 near the bottom and Nitin should be Tom on page 42, last line of dialogue.
Overall, I was very pleased that I got to read this. It was very professional writing from someone who obviously knows what they are doing. It was a fun read and a very quick one at that. Well done!
Other Reviews by 1987brian
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It’s easy to see why this is in the daily favorites. Drama is not usually my thing, but I thought I would read at least 30 pages before deciding if I could continue and give a fair review and I’m glad I did. This really was something else. Your writing is outstanding, very clean, professional looking and easy on the eye. None of the descriptions felt awkward or out of place...
It’s easy to see why this is in the daily favorites. Drama is not usually my thing, but I thought I would read at least 30 pages before deciding if I could continue and give a fair review and I’m glad I did. This really was something else. Your writing is outstanding, very clean, professional looking and easy on the eye. None of the descriptions felt awkward or out of place. The pages flew by, and I enjoyed every one of them. Maybe one small mistake at the very bottom of page 94, Jewli says “Don’t cry, Mommy.” Is that not supposed to be Max saying that line?
The story was a real tear-jerker, especially the ending. When Max says she was asking for an angel to watch over her angel, I got a shiver up my spine. That’s an example of how powerful this piece actually was. Max thinking she was called after a dog, shoot on confidence and always in the frame of mind that she can’t do nothing right. Great character. Anna too, well developed, we continue to learn more about her even in the later pages. I could go on and on about how much I love this and how highly I rate it and although that’s always nice to hear, I think you will be looking for ways to improve this gem even further.
One thing I wish could be added, is a small scene in the middle of the movie with Derek. It felt strange that he appeared at the end but Anna says he’s harmless even though the last time we saw him, he was holding a gun at her. Just one small, minor scene somewhere in the middle might help show us that Derek regrets robbing Anna and then in the end we will know he is harmless when he approaches.
Jewli’s character might need a small bit of tweaking. I hated her at first, with the way she treated Max and even Anna when she was trying to help. This was what you intended, especially in the early pages but nearing the end, I wasn’t feeling much different. She still hadn’t done much to change my views. Sure, she got a flaming head tatoo covered with a flower or something but that’s the extent of it. Instead of covering the tatoo up, maybe she could get a new tatoo of a love heart with Max’s name in it. It would show us that she really does care about Max because there are times when it doesn’t feel that way at all. Another way of endearing her to the audience would be for her to save Max in the end. Instead of Max running back into the building, she could stay outside but have her back to Anna and the gunshots. When the shots go off, Jewli could pull Max to the ground with her.
Other things need to be developed slightly, like Will’s character. We need to know a bit more about him and why they split up. Surely if they left on talking terms and he stayed nearby, Anna wouldn’t have been so lonely when contemplating suicide on the roof. Also, a more satisfying ending with the Senator getting what’s coming to her would help. That was the only sour point in the great finale.
Overall, this is top notch. Hands down, the best screenplay I’ve read so far on this site. The way you handled the relationships impressed me most. Outstanding work!
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This was an interesting little fantasy script and although it’s aimed at kids, I still found it cute in a way. I don’t think there’s much of a story or adventure going on for this to work as a full length feature film in a cinema, but for me it would definitely work as a special on a kids channel on a Saturday morning. I don’t know which you were aiming for.
Well, the story...
This was an interesting little fantasy script and although it’s aimed at kids, I still found it cute in a way. I don’t think there’s much of a story or adventure going on for this to work as a full length feature film in a cinema, but for me it would definitely work as a special on a kids channel on a Saturday morning. I don’t know which you were aiming for.
Well, the story is fairly simple. The animated scenes were standouts, but were not connected in any way, like one big adventure in her imagination with Bina that has a start, middle and end. Instead, it is just random scenes with Pirates, sharks, Dragons, Vampires and much more. They were entertaining and kids would love them on screen without a doubt. Only the last scene with Bina in the school does Kira learn her lesson. I do think that if all the scenes with Bina were linked together for one big adventure throughout the movie split up with the real life scenes with Kira struggling to interact with anyone and becoming a bit of a loner. It would also explain more why Kira wants to be alone with Bina, so they can go back and continue with their adventure in the little animated land you created.
I had reservations early on if the animated and real life scenes in the same movie would work but in the end, I think it did, so I take that back. One thing I would work on, would be the length of some of the real life scenes. Some of them were drawn out, like when we first meet the family, all they do is talk about food. It doesn’t mean anything or move the story forward in anyway. Having a reference or two is fine as it tells us something about the character, for example Tom doesn’t like drinking from a can of pop that has been left open, but it gets very repetitive. I think you will be surprised yourself if you go over this and count how many times food or pop is mentioned in the dialogue. They could really do with talking about something else.
Characters were fine. I only had problems with one and that was Susan. In the end, her kids try to protect her and we should sympathise with her because Kurt is such an aggressive idiot. Kurt talks down to everyone and bullies the kids and you really meant for us to hate him. You did that, mission accomplished. Susan on the other hand, turns out to be just as bad. I think Joey asks her if he can go over and play at Kira’s and her exact words are “I don’t care”. That immediately made me hate her. For your ending to work, we need to feel sorry for Susan for the abusive relationship she is stuck in while trying to care for her kids. That gives the kids a reason to protect her in the end.
Dialogue was fine. Sometimes Kira sounded way to smart to be a three year old but in animated movies that works, but in the real life scenes, this could be a major problem. You might need to think of a way around this. I’ve already touched on the parents dialogue and how they could talk about something other than food. That should also be looked at.
Overall, this would be quite good if you can find a real adventure for Bina and Kira while keeping the story with Joey and family. It will be interesting to see what you do with it.
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This was an entertaining piece, it flowed well, enough action, plenty of humor. It does get confusing, well, for me at least but I did enjoy this for the most part. There’s definitely a bit of Pulp Fiction in this!
The action was handled perfectly. A great shoot-out at the end, but why were they firing at Darla? What did she do? Maybe I missed something. I also hoped you would...
This was an entertaining piece, it flowed well, enough action, plenty of humor. It does get confusing, well, for me at least but I did enjoy this for the most part. There’s definitely a bit of Pulp Fiction in this!
The action was handled perfectly. A great shoot-out at the end, but why were they firing at Darla? What did she do? Maybe I missed something. I also hoped you would show Mr Frank and partner in action during the story before the finale, and not in short flashbacks. They just seemed to appear at the end as every other time we saw them, they just talked. I could visualize all your action descriptions perfectly and they played out well. Well done!
Your characters were an interesting bunch, they came across as spoofs from characters in other films but I think that was your intention here. At first I thought you were falling into the trap of having too many characters but in the end, I have to say that you pulled it off. I would have to say that Mickey and Minnie were my favorites only because they were more active in the story than Mr. Frank and Mr. Literate. I also took to Darla quite a bit. I did feel for Cheyenne at the end, so he was well developed enough.
Dialogue, I was 50/50 with to be honest. At times, it was one of the strongest aspects of the script. Very witty, made me laugh out loud countless times. At other times, it felt overdone, like you were trying to hard. Like the longer conversations, some didn’t sound right. Maybe it was the fact that so much of the dialogue sounded great that the awkward parts stood out more. I can’t put my finger on it. However, like I said, when the dialogue was good, it was very frickin’ good. I know you labelled this as an Action/Adventure, but it is funnier than most comedy scripts I’ve read. I was nearly on the floor laughing at Cheyenne’s poor pirate jokes, they were so bad, they were funny, if that makes sense.
I did have a slight problem with the length. 125 pages is a lot, just over 2 hours if filmed for the screen. Some things could be cut and nobody would notice. Some of the longer back and forth conversations could be shortened. Some of the flashbacks could be lost completely. You will probably disagree with me on this but I do think it would make it more of an enjoyable read if you cut back on the flab and concentrate on what is essential to the story. Also, another note, I would cut the Pirates part out of your synopsis. I love a good pirate film and was more than disappointed this never played out. Although the jokes were funny, it was kind of misleading.
On your writing, there are loads of typos but they can be easily found. You also need to keep your character names more consistent. Sometimes you referred to “Mr Fritzle” as simply “Fritzle” and “Jake LaMotta” as simply “Jake”. Also, on page 8, you call the guy “Small Man” then near the end of the scene, call him “The Man”. I was starting to think they were two different characters. Small things, I know, but can be easily fixed for a cleaner read.
Overall, I did enjoy this. A few fixes and it could be even better. Great job!
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