I think that this script is very well paced, moving along quickly, the dialog is good and realistic, the characters are believable and fairly well rounded and over-all I enjoyed reading this script. That beign said, there were a few areas that need work, such as: I feel the repated scenes of Jacob running to Tayah's apartment to get answers about what is going on wear on the reader, it is always best to avoid repeating the same scene. You could change it up and have them meet someplace other than the apartment to talk. Jacob goes to Tayah's office a couple times but doesn't find him there, why isn't he there? Why not have one of these scenes take place in his office? Second, Tayah discovers things ahead of Jacob supposedly his friend and colleague yet doesn't share his information with him. Why not? His motivation is usually very week for not doing this. Also, every time Tayah discovers something before Jacob makes us take Jacob less serious and calls his scientific abilities into question. Why do we even need Jacob as the main character if he never does/discovers anything for himself? His character is really quite pointless if he doesn't at least do something on his own without Tayah's help. Third, this is a time travel movie and i know that we need to have some scenes that take place in the future be repeated, but it's important to think about your audience and realize that you don't want to bore them by spending too much time showing the same scene(s) over again. We can cut down on the scene of Jacob and Sarah making love by candlelight and i don't think it's entirely necessary to see the whole scene of Jacob making breakfast the next morning. We can hint at these things and then move on and not lose anything. The ending needs a bit of work as well- The last line- she says ‘what’. Why does she say that? Do we need that? It makes no sense for her to say it.
The obituary scene with Tayah is unnecessary, we’ve already seen the one Jacob with a gun and heard the gunshots from the other room earlier in the script, I don’t think it’s necessary to tell us that Jacob died.
Why do we jump ahead five years at the very end of the movie? What is the purpose for that?
How does Jacob come back one year after being killed? If the time travel version of him went back in time, then he would have disappeared when the real Jacob died, since Jacob no longer exists in the future. And if the ‘other Jacob’ came forward in time, then why would he have disappeared for a year and not come back till a year later? Wouldn’t he either have stayed in present time, disappeared entirtely after the original Jacob died or have been stuck back in time?
How can Jacob move forward again later after discovering his obituary and dying, anyway? There is no more Jacob existing on a present time line, therefore it is not [possible for him to go back or forward in time. But I digress, these are all time travel semantics and if it works dramaticly for the story I guess you can play around with them, make them up as you go along or negate them.
Review of: A Constant Variable
reviewed by alanlawless on 04/30/2009
Other Reviews by alanlawless 3
A review of Dead Endby alanlawless on 05/27/2010A compact, fast moving and mesmerizing short story. You'll be hooked right from the first sentence and race, along with the main character, all the way thru to find out what exactly she's going through. Very well written, descriptions that flow like music and imagery that you can't help but feel is being painted live before your eyes. My only critique revolves around the line... read