A gold mine
Hey Matt- it's been ages since I've read the mine, so I can't really compare this version to previous ones I've read. I'm not going to really bother commenting on dialogue, your structure, your format, because they were all great in my eyes.
A vague recollection I had about the story from way back when was that it was static at times, but you've really kept the narrative and action moving on this version. I think it was full of action and you captured the essence of the warfare for the most part.
Characters- I thought one setup you didn't really payoff was Mary's anger at Jack going back to the war. I think that is subplot you should carry through out act II to show how that reconciliation occurs. Your characters were strong and nuanced nicely. good job.
This is a strong screenplay that needs to find a director/producer that is looking for a unique war script. Great job Matt.
I have a few notes below that address specific issues on specific pages. If you think any of these comments could be applied to other parts of the story, then it may make sense to make those edits as well.
pg 1 and 2- I may be all wet here, but because the point of this scene is to point out the futility and horror of trying to fight above ground (thus neccesitating the tunnelling), I think you need to have this opening battle sequence be a little more graphic. It seemed a little antiseptic. Just a small example, the grenade is thrown and next thing we see the gunners are dead. try to capture their fear as they realize a grenade has been tossed in their midst, have some soldiers not die immediately, have them missing a leg screaming in a mix of pain and horror. You need to make this scene as gruesome and futile as possible to then have the tunnel make perfect sense, of course we'd want to build it rather than go through this hell again.
pg 5 same here with the aftermath, you should make us smell that burnt flesh, be vomiting over the pure disgustingness of the carnage, feel that mud sticking to our boots. It's a little to matter of factly for what you need to accomplish.
pg 10- hard labor- isn't what they're doing hard labor. Might be a good place to show a little personality, tell a little joke about already being in hard labor.
pg 14- having the general tell mueller that he's one of the best before he got wounded is a little too expository. By bringing him back, that goes without saying that he's one of the best. General should just say he needs him back.
pg 25 whats the water table- nice little detail.
pg 28- what if on mcculloughs second dialogue he just said the last sentence. It shows his disdain for all the stuff he was saying in the lines above, without the preachiness and with a ton of subtext.
pg 37 - this is the first scene with Meuller for over 20 pages. I'm wondering if you introduced him too early to begin with. Either introduce him after the welshmen are in Belgium, or have a couple more scenes with him intersperced to show his parralell journey to the front.
pg 46- nice use of the voice over!
PG 59- Is triangulated an early 20th century term. It strikes me as a newer term. could be wrong, no big deal.
Other Reviews by bthielke
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First off I commend you on the work and effort to crank out a screenplay. It's really no small task. However, this work needs some rethinking.
There are a few important screenplay elements that are lacking in this story.
The first one is structure. This story seemed to kind of free-flow from one episode in sarah's life to the next. You need to establish some type of act...
First off I commend you on the work and effort to crank out a screenplay. It's really no small task. However, this work needs some rethinking.
There are a few important screenplay elements that are lacking in this story.
The first one is structure. This story seemed to kind of free-flow from one episode in sarah's life to the next. You need to establish some type of act structure. McKee's book called Story is an excellent resource for learning more. But basically, 99% of screenplays fall into a 3 or 5 act structure and you need to embrace that concept.
Secondly, character. good thought provoking scripts will feature strong active protagonists and some type of antagonist. IN this story Sarah is passive as she is shuttled from place to place. She is constant in her cheerfulness but I don't see a significant arc to her. You really didn't have an antagonist in this story, somebody that she had to overcome. Also, you want to see your characters grow and overcome their flaws. None of your characters seemed particularly flawed to me. Everyone got along and nobody had to overcome any major obstacles to succeed.
Which brings me to my third big issue-- conflict. You have to have conflict in your story, conflict in your scenes. If you don't have the conflict, you don't have people making hard decisions in the crucible of truth, you don't have people under pressure to do the right thing even if it's the hard thing. You don't really have any conflict in this story. No hard choices in the story. And I can't emphasize enough the importance to have conflict within scenes as well. Every scene is a mini source of conflict, no matter how slight. A character should always be making choices being placed in situations and conversations where there actions have meaning and consequences.
I think you have lots of opportunity to accomplish these things if you retool some ascpects of this. Good luck and thanks for the read.
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Hey Jose- how come were not famous yet??? I’m excited that my first foray back into Triggerstreet is one of your scripts. You’re an awesome writer and can’t wait to get into this
Pg 1 Slug lines for Present Day need time of day also!
Pg 8. This switch to the garment factory seems abrupt. I think it’ll confuse people
Pg 16- Mrs. Creed—love her!!
Pg 22. You should have Fixer...
Hey Jose- how come were not famous yet??? I’m excited that my first foray back into Triggerstreet is one of your scripts. You’re an awesome writer and can’t wait to get into this
Pg 1 Slug lines for Present Day need time of day also!
Pg 8. This switch to the garment factory seems abrupt. I think it’ll confuse people
Pg 16- Mrs. Creed—love her!!
Pg 22. You should have Fixer be the one making the comment about Sen creed liking them young, it would show she knows every detail to a tee.
Pg25-26- her line about him being perfect for Washington seems a little unnecessary.
Pg 37- Dills packing heat doesn’t seem realistic to me. This is a pretty non-violent event, I wouldn’t expect a need for gun play.
Pg 45- Ah, I see why he has the gun now, because there will be gun play. But when he reveals his gun on pg. 36-37 it raises a red flag for me..as in something didn’t seem right about the scene. What if Mock says something like, “what the hell do you need a gun for?” and Dills responds “in this business, you have to be ready for anything”
Pg 55- Preminger’s cynicism is kind of remarkable. I almost wonder if it feels on the nose, like these guys have to make their clients think that they’re one part hired gun and 2 parts acolyte. I’d expect Preminger instead to make a plea to Mock’s public reason for running. Yeah, maybe he’s in it for the money but what’s he telling the public? ON some level, Mock maybe wants to believe that and that’s what Preminger thinks he wants to hear.
Pg 65- I’m wondering if this flashback sequence is needed. When we say Lana Kim alive and well, you knew what they did. I’ll see if this comes into play later on.
Pg 81- I’d find a way to have Mrs. Creed tell the Fixer the thing about Chicago in person instead of second hand. This is an important moment in the script and would like to have it have the most impact.
Jose, awesome twists to this script. A couple notes…just a couple.
I think at the beginning, you need to have a little more hesitancy about her getting involved in the operation. Like she’s been out of it for awhile and is hesitant. Otherwise you don’t really have a triggering event for the story, something that gets us off of the status quo.
I’d really stick to one name with each character, even if it’s not their real name. It makes it difficult for casting, wardrobe, makeup if you keep changing character names when you reveal their real identity.
I was sure that the fixer would want to seek revenge on creed when she found out that he killed her dad. I think you could still have Butterfield goad her into doing the hit and have it fit in with his plan.
I didn’t understand why Butterfield wanted her dead, other than cleaning up the evidence, but that didn’t make sense because she’d worked with him before. There needed to be some type of game changer to make him feel the need to do that.
But everything else was spot on, Jose. Another fine piece of fiction….or was it??
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I've been away from TS for a long time and I couldn't think of a better way to dip my toe back in the water than to read a short story by peter vicaire. That the story is about his beloved miq'maq is a bonus because I got to hear the voice and narrative of his that I've always found to be his strongest--his pride and passion for his people.
Your narrative is vivid and expressive...
I've been away from TS for a long time and I couldn't think of a better way to dip my toe back in the water than to read a short story by peter vicaire. That the story is about his beloved miq'maq is a bonus because I got to hear the voice and narrative of his that I've always found to be his strongest--his pride and passion for his people.
Your narrative is vivid and expressive and short stories are a natural for you. you did an awesome job of letting us inside of Noel's head and I truly felt his desolation when he could not see. It was nice that you gave him a sense of acceptance the second time he went blind, and that his sense of desolation was so strong. I wonder what other emotions that he might have the first time he went blind though,yes there was fear, but i wonder if anger might fall in there. People when angry have a tendancy to lash out at those closest to them, Maybe they can handle it better than a stranger??. But anyways, I'd imagine losing your sight would send you through the emotional stages that people often encounter with other loss (death, divorce, breakup). you know the seven stages denial,anger, etc. I'm wondering if you ever wanted to expand this a little, maybe you could expand into some of these other areas..Did he ever feel anger? and how did these emotions impact his relationship with his father? this is the other aspect I think it'd be cool to explore more...How did his blindness and his level of acceptance or unacceptnesss of his condition impact the person in his life he loved the most...his father.
All that is just fodder for otters or food for thought, I loved the story, I loved the message about acceptance of loss, I love your prose. Great Job, Peter.
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