It's been a while, bear with me. First, I'm going to go into the substance of the story. The second part will be about writing and construction.
'The Lucky Necklace' as an idea is...pretty good. For young adult fiction it basically works, but lacks the punch and detail to really drive the lesson home.
The first part of the story shows Rebecca's life as one being constantly overlooked and undervalued, even as the second half shows that she comes from a family of means. I like the juxtaposition to a point. I have a hard tiime swallowing the parents. It seems as if they're almost intentionally ignoring their daughter. The young adult fiction I've always enjoyed has shown the main character to feel ignored, but not really be by any conscious design. (I'm also having trouble with the rich family buying the kid stuff from MegaSave Mart. Or sending your daughter out of the house without a jacket.) I'd really like to read the active moments, not get the reportage that Mom braided hair roughly.
Apologizing to her friend Tommy felt pretty trite, and her new found friendship with Susan came off too quick. She didn't have to give anything up to become Susan's friend, there wasno stake in the friendship. Did Tommy have to win at the game he hated to finally feel respected? What if he won a battle of wits that left Walker embarrassed?
I'd also like to see a struggle to be charitable with the candies. I'd think they'd be pretty difficult to give up, and just handing them out to folks once again felt more reported than experienced.
On the subject of magic candies, Smothers needs more filling in or a severe cutting down. As it stands, there's just enough detail for him to derail you from the main story without being enough to sink your teeth into.
I don't want you to think I didn't care for the story. I enjoyed it quite a bit, and blasted through it in one sitting. The story, as I read it, is about a girl who comes from means but can't see it until she's forced to experience what others' lives are like. I'd like to see it as a fuller story, with Rebecca being more involved in it.
Now the second part has to do with some of the sentence structure, word usage, blah blah blah...
Indent your paragraphs. It is a far easier read visually when a new paragraph is actually indented. I hate that I can't do it here, but such is the nature of the internet.
I suggest you read this piece aloud, and adjust the flow. This piece is chock full of adverbs and adjectives that are unnecessary, if not distracting. Also, watch for your similes. Just because your target audience is young adult it isn't an excuse to make them on the nose.
I've pasted a few excerpts from your story that had moments I felt needed fixing or helped illustrate some of these points. I've added notes where I thought they might help. In closing, you've got a really interesting idea, and I'd love to read the next version. Keep writing.
'but he was about as sharp as a box of unsharpened pencils.' Can't he just have been cute enough, but not very sharp?
'looking futility around the room'
'Mike looked over at them and caught Rebecca’s adoring gaze.' Who's Mike? He hasn't been introduced at all.
'dressed to the nine’s' No apostrophe.
'“You wonder what what’s like?” Rebecca responded.
“Living a perfect life.”
Rebecca ate her cardboard food silently. She wondered too.' Simple. To the point. Perfect.
'“Oh shut up!” Rebecca snapped. Anise’s face fell. “You’ve been a brat all day!” Anise said and stood up, “To think I let my ears freeze for you!” She stormed from the store. Rebecca watched
her go sullenly.' Only one speaker in a paragraph.
'tightly shut would be to be
struck blind, the music so loud that to hear it would be to be struck deaf.'
'Tommy lived on the opposite side of the school from Rebecca and she wanted to intercept him
before he got to school.'
'“I’m working on a album.”'
Review of: The Lucky Necklace
reviewed by krtshadow on 12/13/2009
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